Escape's Journal.

[EscapeArtist]

I'm buying a pan flute

Been wanting a wooden flute for a while, the pan flute looks a lot more difficult and sounds a lot more disconnected, less flowy. But I found one for 25 dollars on craigslist, so I figure what the heck.

It just looks extremely difficult to play. And it looks maybe like it was home made? I'm not sure. As long as it works and sounds nice. It will take up my time. I'm hoping to learn to play it, and then be able to make up tunes to background music.

 

[EscapeArtist]

My Blood Sugar Experiments

I want to let you in on a little experiment i'm going to do today.
I cut out sugar, all sugar (fruit, grains, sugars) for a week. I was very different for a week! I was frantically searching for old friends phone numbers to hang out with somebody, and was desperate to go to the gym? (chronic fatigue gone??)
After reintroducing sugar (fruit sugar, but really sugary things like dates) into my diet about a week ago, I've been having insaaaane insomnia (I haven't slept most nights, and I sleep in the day, whereas the week before on no sugar I was going to bed at 10pm) , I have started to skip school again out of anxiety, feel a lot more fatigued/weak and things of this nature. I've been reading up on hypoglycemia extensively and am almost 100% certain that this is what is affecting me.

Most common symptoms of hypoglycemia, studied on 600 patients with hypoglycemia by Dr Gyland in 1957

Nervous 94%
Exhaustion 87%
Irritation, outbursts 89%
Headache, migraine 72%
Depression 77%
Digestive upset, ulcer 69%
Insomnia 62%
Allergies, asthma 43%
Phobias 23%
Rheumatoid arthritis 24%


Previous diagnoses:
Neurotic 78%
Hypochondriac 76%
Alcoholic 20%
Post-partum disorders 19%
Menopausal 16%


Symptoms of low blood sugar and caused by 3 main things:

1. The blood sugar in general being low, causing "weakness, nervousness, irritability and mental dullness"
2. "The second category of symptoms stem from stress hormones secreted to raise the blood sugar when it falls below normal. One of these hormones is the fight-or-flight hormone adrenalin which affects mood dramatically, causing heightened vigilance, shaking, sweating, tremulousness, anxiety, irritability or even paranoia without any change in present circumstances."
3."The third category of symptoms is caused by "neuroglycopenia" (literally "brain-sugar-lack.") Glucose reaches the brain cells by the slow process of diffusion from the capillaries, so the brain runs out of fuel if low blood sugar persists. Incredibly, brain metabolism fell to 22% of baseline in experimental, insulin-induced hypoglycemia (Himwich 1944). The cortex suffers first, so cortical functions such as insight are the first to be affected which means that the sufferer can have little insight into the cause of the suffering."


I'm getting a lot of this info from one page, Hypoglycemia & Neurosis if you are interested in reading more.


3 examples of hypoglycemia

Number 3 was me yesterday so accurately...

OKAY ANWAYS BACK TO MY EXPERIMENT!
I'm going to go out and buy a blood glucose monitor! Then I'm going to run some tests and put them on here, as well as document how I feel (if i'm feeling something strong, like sudden anxiety) while I test my sugar after eating sugary things, and then avoiding sugary things. I'm really excited, and totally thing it's worth the 50 bucks for a monitor and test strips if this gives me some legitimate linkage, it could fill a lot of gaps

 

[Pyrophosphate]

Hooray for science!

 

[Phoenixx]

That's really interesting, Escape! How'd you manage to do that for a week though? I remember last fall I got really sick with hypoglycemia after going on a full candida diet. That diet, combined with my food allergies, I pretty much eliminated almost everything you had. Big mistake! It was so awful. The first day it started, I had woke up early for school with an awful headache. Pretty much stumbled down the hall and into the living room from being so dizzy, and then blacked out on the couch. I wasn't out long, like 10 mins. but still it was so weird, I didn't even know what was wrong. Then for the rest of that week I was really confused most of the time, couldn't even follow a simple conversation. I was tired all the time, still dizzy every now and then, my head hurt and felt heavy, I would shake constantly, I started to get really depressed, and then it eventually got to the point where I didn't feel anything at all, like I was emotionally dead. I ended up missing a week's worth of school through all that. Ugh. Never again!

 

[EscapeArtist]

Phil, that is AWESOME! Wow, a group of strangers, that definitely says something! Just wow. Good for you! We need to hang out... Sorry I canceled! That was when I started with eating tons of sugar x( I'm so happy to hear about your progress. I agree, people have such a hard time accepting that they and the ones they love will never get better after they are told that their ailments are permanent, that it is too much for some people to take to think that there is, and all along was, a simple solution.
If you do the blood glucose tolerance test, make sure they keep you around for at least 5-6 hours, this is when the blood sugar can drop. Usually they only keep a person for 3ish hours, and they misdiagnose because they don't wait long enough for hypoglycemic symptoms to occur

Phoenix, that sounds horrible! What a "candida" diet, lol. Somebody must have made a mistake calling that a candida diet... That sounds like a really strong reaction. It must have been really eye opening. I had a similar experience just a few months ago when I thought that eating a diet high in fruit would help me with candida. What a mistake! I had periods at work where I would forget where I am, and was almost unable to walk because of rubbery legs. I never fainted but felt so close to it, fruit = not good. Thanks for sharing your experience


Sorry guys, I've decided not to even do the blood glucose tolerance test for hypoglycemia. I bought the meter and all. I ate a big carb meal the night before as to not shock my system and get an accurate reading the next day, but my reaction was (and is today) too much (I'm again not going to school today, I got 0 sleep all night.) I don't want to do the test only to have to live through another day of not sleeping all night and anxiety so I'd rather throw the 50 dollars I used on the meter away and just get on the low GI diet immediately.

Not only this, but I learned that blood glucose isn't the most accurate way to test for hypoglycemia. When your blood sugar drops down low, your adrenal gland secretes coritosol and adrenalin to raise it back up so you don't have a coma, so even if you have what looks like normal blood sugar yet you are anxious, it's because these stress hormones are keeping your blood sugar up away from a coma. Basically the blood glucose test is not very accurate because your adrenal gland interferes. So, the accurate way to test for hypoglycemia is to test one's cortisol and adrenalin levels in reaction to sugar... Woops. Even more so, just going by symptoms and experience says a lot.

Starting diet today and will update you guys on that instead x)

 

[Phoenixx]

Phoenix, that sounds horrible! What a "candida" diet, lol. Somebody must have made a mistake calling that a candida diet... That sounds like a really strong reaction. It must have been really eye opening. I had a similar experience just a few months ago when I thought that eating a diet high in fruit would help me with candida. What a mistake! I had periods at work where I would forget where I am, and was almost unable to walk because of rubbery legs. I never fainted but felt so close to it, fruit = not good. Thanks for sharing your experience

^ Yeah, the candida diet combined with my already limited diet from food allergies was NOT good, and so that's what made me sick (and I'm sure some candida toxins messed with me too). The candida diet itself was fine, and for the first few days starting it, I felt great. And then that one day is when it all went downhill from there, heh. But yeah, since then I have never followed a complete candida diet. When candida starts acting up, I just limit my sugar and fruit intake instead of eliminating it completely. Instead I just eliminate yeast/fungi and vinegars, while taking some probiotics. When doing that I seem to be okay. The candida still dies off mostly, but it's just a much longer process.

 

[kilojoule]

I just noticed something, your journal is exactly one year old today happy birthday journal !!!

 

[Feathers]

Escape, do you read my mind??

I was a wreck yesterday and then I read your post and went 'aargh'!! (I mean in a 'duh, how could I forget'? way)

I've read about these things in the past too, and then kinda 'forgot' about them, or let my family convince me I was 'exaggerating' and that 'you need to eat versatile, a bit of everything' etc...
I've learnt not to drink fruit juice in the morning!! (apple juice, homemade and very good too, yikes.. and it's difficult to drink just a little when you start too!! lol) It may be okay-ish later on during the day, in small amounts, after I've eaten something more 'substantial', ideally some protein, not early on though, apparently.. (plus I haven't eaten much yesterday all day, so that was a factor too..)

There seem to be many different 'candida' diets, on one site quite some people had problems (from too much protein, not enough good carbs apparently)...

I did a glucose test on my aunt's diabetes kit once, it showed nothing special (I was even a bit disappointed, almost lol)

Great to hear you're going to school!!

That pan flute looks like you could produce some real good melodies on it! I just have a few 'tiny' ones that seem more for 'gift/decoration' ideas, one can't play much on them..

Do keep us posted how it all goes!

And happy birthday aka journal-versary, yes!

 

[EscapeArtist]

Journalversity! Lol Wow where does this show?

Just an update on where I'm at and what I'm trying these days

I've started adding amino acid supplemets. L-glutamine, L-tyrosine, and 5-htp. L-tyrosine raises dopamine which helps with memory, attention span, energy levels, motivation, depression and stress. It also helps with cravings for drugs and sugar. Apparently tyrosine is usually low in depressed people. Dopamine is also needed to produce thyroid hormones, so it's good for people with hypothyroid.

5-htp I'm sure we've heard a lot about, it's a common one. It raises serotonin by first converting to tryptophan. Not much explanation needed for that one I don't think

L-glutamine is the most abundant amino acid in your blood. Apparently it is rare to have normal levels of L-glutamine if you have chronic illness or mood and cognitive problems. Glutamine converts partly to GABA, GABA is very beneficial for anxiety sufferers as it's a neurotransmitter that calms you naturally and also stops nerve cells from firing for no reason. Glutamine also stabilizes blood sugar and reduces alcohol cravings. It also helps you heal wounds faster, removes ammonia from your brain, protects brain cells when there is a lack of oxygen, helps you to recover faster from exercise, promotes muscle formation and prevents muscles from being broken down when you're inactive, is needed for the synthesis of B3 (niacin), produces glutathione (an anti-oxidant and detoxificant in the liver)and helps balance your pH.

I started taking the L-glutamine about 4 days ago. Right after I took the first one, I felt immediately better in a way that is difficult to describe. A lot happier and less anxious. I started adding 5-htp also about 2 of those days, I don't know how much effect that has on me. Then today I picked up the L-tyrosine, I took a bit too high of a dose though, but even just taking it once did give me more energy. I feel like I might even have the motivation and energy to start exercising. Lastly, surprisingly enough somehow it allowed me to speak my thoughts without thinking about them.

This last month I have been pretty much housebound, but when I walked out of my house to go hang out with a friend and passed some random dude, I wasn't anxious (when normally I would be after a long "hibernation".) In fact I felt perfectly normal, like I was still in my house. I noted that as different

I hung out with a friend today and in the end we ended up with his family. Normally this would be a nerve wracking experience but instead I just started talking to them with no anxiety. I was saying the jokes on my mind without thinking about it first, they just came out of my mouth (not that I have a ton of jokes in me, but I did get a good few laughs which is really not-me like.) And lastly, I have 0 sugar cravings and 0 urge to overeat, and these last 2 weeks that had become a huge problem that was spiraling into binge eating which I suffered a lot with in the past. So 4 days and such progress? That is wonderful!

I'm excited to see how I improve after taking these for a longer amount of time. I can say that I already highly recommend L-glutamine, because I have taken that for at least 4 days and I ALWAYS get a calming effect and mood boost that is stable. I'll see if I can recommend L-tyrosine as much in a bit!

 

[Phoenixx]

Good to hear, Escape. My cousin was taking 5-htp for a while a few months back. I couldn't believe how much of a difference it made on her. She started sleeping better, had more motivation, wasn't nearly as depressed, didn't overeat as much, it was great, she looked and felt great. For some reason though she stopped taking it, and now she's slowly going back to those habits and feelings.

Anyway, after seeing your results, I'm curious of trying amino acids now too, see if they make any difference on me.

 

[EscapeArtist]

School Relapse.

I'm going through a school-dtiching relapse. I don't understand how it started. Well, it started by not going ONCE when I felt ill. And then I started skipping 1-2 classes a week ( I only have 4) And now I've missed at least 4 classes of each 2 studies. One study is threatening to withdraw me, and that's okay I haven't done any of the work for that one anyways... But this other class, English, I did want to pass it because I wanted to make my mom feel proud for once ;( I feel like such an embarrassment.

It's just a mood i'm in. I'm tired, can't focus, feel like I need to emotionally sort myself out a little bit and "I just don't want to go.. I just don't want to walk out that door". Not to mention, high schoo lis not my focus right now. I could care less whether I pass this term or next term. I'd just like to pass eventually in the next 2-3 years. It's not like I'm going to go to college immdiately after highschool anyways, I was planning on taking at least 5 years off, so I feel like I have time and it's not a big deal if I don't go. My life's mission leads me into my career anyways...

That said, I'm hurting my mom a lot. She thinks I'll be a truck driver if I don't go to school today, and she's offering me money even to go (80 dollars, and I need it, yet I just sit here). That hurts. And that's a reason to go alone, and yet I sit here gripping to the safety of my room. SIGH!

If only there was such a thing as an E-class, where you watch a teacher give a lecture through skype or something and then hand in online assignments. That I could do SO easily. But enough "if only"s. I feel so guilty/ashamed argh

 

[vj288]

School Relapse.

I'm going through a school-dtiching relapse. I don't understand how it started. Well, it started by not going ONCE when I felt ill. And then I started skipping 1-2 classes a week ( I only have 4) And now I've missed at least 4 classes of each 2 studies. One study is threatening to withdraw me, and that's okay I haven't done any of the work for that one anyways... But this other class, English, I did want to pass it because I wanted to make my mom feel proud for once ;( I feel like such an embarrassment.

It's just a mood i'm in. I'm tired, can't focus, feel like I need to emotionally sort myself out a little bit and "I just don't want to go.. I just don't want to walk out that door". Not to mention, high schoo lis not my focus right now. I could care less whether I pass this term or next term. I'd just like to pass eventually in the next 2-3 years. It's not like I'm going to go to college immdiately after highschool anyways, I was planning on taking at least 5 years off, so I feel like I have time and it's not a big deal if I don't go. My life's mission leads me into my career anyways...

That said, I'm hurting my mom a lot. She thinks I'll be a truck driver if I don't go to school today, and she's offering me money even to go (80 dollars, and I need it, yet I just sit here). That hurts. And that's a reason to go alone, and yet I sit here gripping to the safety of my room. SIGH!

If only there was such a thing as an E-class, where you watch a teacher give a lecture through skype or something and then hand in online assignments. That I could do SO easily. But enough "if only"s. I feel so guilty/ashamed argh

Sorry to hear you're going through a hard time now sab, I hope you feel better soon.

The more of these high school classes you get out of the way the better, even though they're not a priority you don't want them to all build up on you, and have to feel pressured in 2-3 years to finish. I think you'd be happier in the end if you at least got a few of them in, if you can't you can't but you can force yourself out the door and do just enough you'll be very glad afterward. You want to do it eventually, putting it off farther won't make it anymore finished.

You're smart though Sab, I know you'll do what you can and what you think is best. Stay in there

 

[Feathers]

GO Escape!!

No one wants to live (or take classes), or go out in November, but once you get yourself out there (and wrap up yourself alright, you're in Northern teritory right?)

Maybe try to eat more protein or avocados/healthy fat to keep you warm?

I have a headache and have to go to sleep but I will kick your butt!!
Honestly what would you DO if you didn't go to class? Saving world's biggest problems? Right. Might just as well go to class? (First.) Then, you can do all the rest!!

I tell myself each time I went out of the house this week, 'Why the hell did I have to say I'd come/arrange this?' but then it went well!!

Wishing it goes well for you too!!!

 

[EscapeArtist]

Vj and feathers <3 thanks

Update on my erratic on and off methods


I ended up dropping English class.... I wasn't doing the work, and then started to do the work last week for both classes, and realized while I could catch up and pass with a good grade in Bio I was too far behind in english to get the grade I desire. So I'm retaking it next term.

Just a matter of getting through that one class now so that I can say I'm making SOME step towards my future.

Also lately I've had a lot of fatigue. Well I've always had a lot of fatigue and if you compare it to me 5 years ago it's improved dramatically, but still all I feel I can do is lie in bed all day. I'm starting to exercise, hoping that will help. Also, I used to take B12 supplements because I developed constant nerve tingling in my hip (really obvious sign of pretty bad B12 deficiency) that went away when I supplemented. But I stopped when the nerve tingling went away. I decided to take a B12 again today and found that I felt like a fog had been lifted immediately, I feel more energetic, happy, and felt like some life was put back into my body somehow. It was a really cool feeling and i'm really excited about that. So I hope to keep doing that and see an improvement.

Still taking the amino acids also, and I feel like they're helping. I feel a lot less hopeless taking them, actually my memory and focus is being helped a lot by them too. I attribute the fact that I finally decided to start working on my classes to the amino acids, they have increased my motivation to do things, not dramatically but enough to actually DO things when I think "I really should..." In general I'm more stable. I now have a choice in my cravings for sugar...


Lastly and most importantly, one thing that i'm relearning lately is how important it is to do the things that make you feel productive and proud. It makes you feel like you have a life, something to do, something to look forward to. When I fill my day with exercise and studying I don't have the urge to isolate myself as much, and I don't feel like I'm wasting life... Keep in mind.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Okay... I have bottled up all of my feelings for last, few months? I have a LOT of gettting out to do. I don't intend for anybody to read this. I'm going to probably write a novel right now.

Post 1.

Still stuck in a rut.
I've pretty much stopped using this site. I started to feel like an outcast here. Maybe because I've sunken pretty low in self-worth, and do not feel good enough to start conversations with others, so I keep to myself on this forum now. Guess I learned something though, feeling like an outcast comes from not involving yourself enough with others.

I'm beginning to wonder whether a lot of my worthlessness, social anxiety and avoidance/houseboundness comes from hating the way I look. Maybe I'm super vain and never admitted it to myself. But If I were pretty, I'd be worth something, that's not something I want to be true, but it is.

There was a time I thought I looked pretty... but I think I've gone and ruined it... this sounds so vain, but I got this stupid lip infection thing years ago that kept up for a good 4 years, and from MY perspective, it has destroyed any hope that my already pretty iffy face had. Not to mention that it feels really uncomfortable now, like my upper lip is falling off of my face.

Anyways... before I had this problem, I thought I was alright, able to pass for attractive if I were 1. skinny and 2. creative with makeup and hairstyle..

The last time I thought I was attractive was about 3 years ago, after I lost 20-30 pounds, and I gathered the courage to hang out with this really attractive older girl who was interested in me. NOT something I do.

That was a horrible experience! I was definitely way more socially anxious than I am now, so I was almost mute, and she was very social and very unlike me. Not to mention, upon getting her number, I went on a starvation diet, eating nothing or 400 calories a day, and started working out like a maniac. That gave me a big boost in appearance...But the point is, seeing myself as attractive is what allows me to GO for things, to get out of the house with ease, anxious or not. And I am realizing that maybe I am very vain, maybe a lot depends on how I look.

The times when I'm able to be out for long amounts of time (holding a job, for instance) are the times I refuse to look in a mirror for months on end. I remember in the skills link program, we had to do a fake interview on tape. I was in a good, social mood that day. Then I saw myself on tape and hit a deep note of depression that I forgot existed, suddenly I wanted to run home, curl into a ball and never show my face again. I was depressed and ashamed for weeks.

A few weeks ago I considered making youtube videos, but I looked at myself back on the camera and suddenly re-realized that DAMN.... I'm ugly, in a way that can't be covered. /depressed for weeks not leaving the house. Went and hid in bed. Well, I was already doing that (not leaving the house), but now I had more incentive to do everything I could to not show my face to anybody, even family

This all surfaced today because a few days ago I watched a movie about a lesbian relationship, and felt really attracted to one of the characters. Yeah, that's all. Suddenly I realized that I want a relationship, really badly, and that I have since 8th grade, but I saw myself as way too inferior to ever have that in my lifetime, so I shut the idea out of my mind and that's pretty easy when you're a lesbian, because there are so few attractive females out there to walk by, have that gravitational pull towards and be reminded of that part of life.

Anyways.... Here I am at whatever time it is, sitting in bed, realizing that maybe a relationship is not something I'll ever have enough of anything to get. Heck, the concept feels alien to me, I really had myself persuaded that I wanted nothing to do with it until I fully 'knew' myself and improved myself, maybe 10 years down the line, I thought... I guess I could achieve something really wonderful in life.. Be some kind of inspirational leader... And maybe feel worthy enough for somebody else's time. That's the only way I see to go about it.

I know this is a vain post, and i'm scared to be judged for it, because I judged vanity so much not knowing it was all defense because I wanted it.

 

[MikeyC]

EscapeArtist, you are just as worthy of a good, solid relationship just like anyone else.

Sorry to hear you're feeling low about your appearance, but starving yourself is certainly not the answer. Healthy eating, mild exercise, and lots of sleep is the best thing you can do for your body and you will honestly have a better outlook on yourself. It won't be an instantaneous transformation, but it will happen gradually and you will feel a lot better.

You ARE worth something and I hope you continue to post on this forum. I am listening.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Mikey, your reply means so much to me. Thank you

 

[MikeyC]

Mikey, your reply means so much to me. Thank you

You're welcome. I hope you can rid yourself of the loneliness you're feeling.

 

[kihira]

Perhaps how we look matters more to ourselves than to anyone else. I wonder if its impossible to look in mirrors and photographs and truly see ourselves as others see us. We see and magnify imperfections that are close to invisible to onlookers, we see a distortion compared to how we see ouselves in our mind's eye.

 

[EasySkanking]

^well said phocas. It's not how attractive you actually are or aren't that makes you feel like ****... it's how attractive you *believe* you are or aren't that makes you feel bad.

As I've told you before Escape, you are quite an attractive girl, and this is fact anyone will tell you the same if you ask. So what you've got to work on is not your appearance so much, but on your beliefs.

Maybe you belief that you have to be a certain weight before you can be attractive? But this might not be true... maybe this is totally wrong and you already are attractive?

See, beliefs are powerful, because we do not question them no matter how wrong they are - so we go on believing them. Change your beliefs!