Escape's Journal.

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

First, great you updated your progress!

Very wise observations. I think introverts CAN gain energy from talking with people, depending on THE people and the person and how long. I know introverts who are very social in their way. Regardless I always hated labeling to two things anyways even by Master Jung =D

You are what you are, it's great talking to ppl esp one guy (love connection? gets recharged. I think MOST energy expended esp SAers is on your OWN thoughts, the real drain is not being relaxed and on edge/anxiety and never BEING and giving into the moment and letting it happen.

This is life changing - great to see your journey.

2. Not everyone will like you - and that isn't personal. We ALL have made snap judgements, projected, etc. Usually it's THAT person that has some issue with themselves. It seems this guy has issues, maybe threatened. Not your fault you're so smart and precise. =)

4. I always liked to say a person who fears nothing, loves nothing. I agree unless you're anti-social/sociopathic, you want ppl. Those who claim not to, and Ive been there, just that fear compounds and you get used to it. Not everyone wants/needs tons of ppl. It's all the fear and defenses talking. SA is a paradoxical disorder indeed.

I can relate to a lot of what you said in this and your journey. Discovering yourself, to accept yourself, to BE yourself - only can happen by gettign our there an experiencing - with OTHERS.

Keep going. Update more =D

 

[Feathers]

WOW!!

Very insighful post!!

I'm so glad it's working out for you, my non-feathery friend!! lol - You do seem to abound from wisdom and I like the positivity!! (Hope you didn't smoke or ingest anything funny and it's organic true having done good work FUN!! hehe) I often felt really good after working at the farm too, even though I was really tired too!!

You're throwing tomato plants away, how come? (Or is it just the excessive/old ones?) Do they have 'roof' above them? And what kind of produce are you picking, strawberries? (PM if it's top secret )

Some of these 'organic farmer' types can be a bit 'new age' or 'old hippies' and may have different preferences - check a book on permaculture or such... I think straight lines are almost forbidden in some permaculture. maybe he just wanted you to lighten up a bit and just didn't have diplomatic skills enough to actually 'make you more at ease'.. it's great you have co-workers who do have these skills!! Bosses may also follow 'teachers' rule' and not smile at first to get more respect (maybe they had some sassy teenagers there before so he may figure 'better to be safe than sorry'??) They don't know how awesome you are yet, so give'em a chance to get to know you, yeah!!

And yup I think you're at least an extrovert/introvert (like I am, I seem to be half/half hehe) or semi-extrovert!! (some actually see that as 'medium' extrovert, more introverted people may see you as 'extrovert', extra e. people may see you as 'i', it may depend on environment and energy levels etc too)
In the environment where you were before (at home) everyone would be stressed and 'introvert'!! I think..

About sunscreen - do report results.. I prefer straw hat and clothing hehe, it depends on your °C/F and other circumstances though I guess... What do other people there use? (Especially older ones like my aunt may wear straw hats where I live.. some like my dad may go 'pirate' and brave it but it's better to be safe I think..)

I like #3. Maybe some people know it, and some don't... It's definitely worth keeping in mind.. And you have a VERY nice way of saying it!!

Well, I really like all your insights!! Worth keeping in mind!

Hope things will continue to go well!!

 

[EscapeArtist]

Well, well, well. I am wondering whether I should can this journal.
I feel obnoxious. And I hate posting.... And hate seeing "Escape's Journal" come up on the recent topics. lkajslkfjdas. Warning, not much amusing content in this post....


Anyways, I am working 3 days a week, and falling into some bad habits. For instance, not going anywhere on the other 4 days of the week.... Feeling lonely, not having a place to go and feel comfortable. Worsening depression and this feeling of 'it's out of my control anyways'. Me giving my power away!

It makes me want to get up and go today, tomorrow, this week at least! To do my travels, to find a variety of people and landscapes and connections. What am I gaining from staying here. Well, the answer to that is money, because I need money to leave... Money, and I wanted to prepare myself, but I find myself unable to pick myself up unless I'm constantly surrounded by support, and the support of an atmosphere is what I'm looking to build by leaving. So maybe the key to 'preparing' myself is to just leave and let the pressures and fears force me to grow.

I guess I should stay until September anyway... 1200 dollars isn't enough to leave for very long. I only just acquired a job, but I find that I'm at another stalement, Life is growing less amusing and nothing is interesting. Is it worth delaying life for a longer experience?? Maybe it would even be a better idea to do this during the summer and come back to school this coming year?

I feel I should stay and rid some of my anxiety and apathy first, otherwise I might not enjoy anything anyways even when I do go. To think I know how, but yet I give up so easily.

 

[Feathers]

Escape, hard work on a farm is well - HARD!!!

No wonder you are tired and 'slipping in a rut' - if it were easy everybody would be doing it and there wouldn't be tractors and pesticides and other poisons to make it easier!!!

So I totally ADMIRE you for even doing it!!!!!

Is there an interesting community or farm that would accept you for free or even pay you the same or more? Would you also work similar (or even more interesting) work there? What about transport costs and living costs? Things to consider...

Is there a day center and support groups where you live? Is it just that you're too tired on the 'off' days or something else?

Gotta go sleep cause going to work on the farm tomorrow... Don't look forward to it, but if we want our soy and other crops to be GMO-free and as toxics-free as possible...??

((hugz)) I know it ain't easy, so rooting for ya, however you decide!!!!

Oh, and this thread is an inspiration to many!! At least save old posts and 'guest posts' hopefully?? (a lot of effort and thought went into some of that... ) I'm too sleepy to save anything right now, so I hope you won't erase anything... There are places that let you create a friends-only blog if you'd be more comfortable with something like that? (Not sure if you can get a friends/selected people-only thread on this forum? you might ask though, if it's possible?)

 

[kihira]

Well, well, well. I am wondering whether I should can this journal.

No way, Jose!

I feel obnoxious. And I hate posting.... And hate seeing "Escape's Journal" come up on the recent topics. lkajslkfjdas. Warning, not much amusing content in this post....

Ob-what-ious?


Anyways, I am working 3 days a week, and falling into some bad habits. For instance, not going anywhere on the other 4 days of the week....

Just remind me what the days are - is it scattered days or a block? random days can make it harder as its nice to have a recovery day followed by other days off. it can take a while to settle into work as well, so give it time for mental/physical adjustment

Feeling lonely, not having a place to go and feel comfortable. Worsening depression and this feeling of 'it's out of my control anyways'. Me giving my power away!

"not having a place to go and feel comfortable" at work or home or both? I can relate to this

It makes me want to get up and go today, tomorrow, this week at least! To do my travels, to find a variety of people and landscapes and connections. What am I gaining from staying here. Well, the answer to that is money, because I need money to leave... Money, and I wanted to prepare myself, but I find myself unable to pick myself up unless I'm constantly surrounded by support, and the support of an atmosphere is what I'm looking to build by leaving. So maybe the key to 'preparing' myself is to just leave and let the pressures and fears force me to grow.

You are also getting skills, experience, self-knowledge, credibility, routine,...other stuff


I guess I should stay until September anyway... 1200 dollars isn't enough to leave for very long. I only just acquired a job, but I find that I'm at another stalement, Life is growing less amusing and nothing is interesting. Is it worth delaying life for a longer experience?? Maybe it would even be a better idea to do this during the summer and come back to school this coming year?

Is the work too easy? boring? not a challenge? will your tasks change over time?

I feel I should stay and rid some of my anxiety and apathy first, otherwise I might not enjoy anything anyways even when I do go. To think I know how, but yet I give up so easily.

You have come a loooong way, look back and see where you have come from to be where you are now. Congratulate yourself, be amazed ( I am). Look forward to see where you are going - you have the map, you know the destination, you are on the way and will be there soon enough. Patience & persistence

...............

 

[EscapeArtist]

My computer is not working, and so I have no computer! I was going to pick one up today from a guy off of craigslist, but I cancelled that plan, thinking hmm.. Maybe this was supposed to happen. It is one of my main addictions, but It also saves me from other obsessions that can be more damaging. We will see where this goes, I hope to get 'clean' from COMPUTER ADDICTION... Becuase computer isolation is most isolating. At the same time, I have no music availablility, and that will surely harm me unless I find a way to access music, which I will do.

So I won't be on here much at all

 

[vj288]

My computer is not working, and so I have no computer! I was going to pick one up today from a guy off of craigslist, but I cancelled that plan, thinking hmm.. Maybe this was supposed to happen. It is one of my main addictions, but It also saves me from other obsessions that can be more damaging. We will see where this goes, I hope to get 'clean' from COMPUTER ADDICTION... Becuase computer isolation is most isolating. At the same time, I have no music availablility, and that will surely harm me unless I find a way to access music, which I will do.

So I won't be on here much at all

Sab I actually think this a great idea, I can see this being a very good thing for you. I mean it sucks for everyone at SPW because you won't be here but really great for you. A lot of your time will be freed up, and if you can find constructive things to do with it you'll be better than fine. Good luck, I hope you the best.

 

[MollyBeGood]

You will be missed. Come back soon. Have a great Summer *Hugs* for you x

 

[EscapeArtist]

Lol that didn't last so long. I bought a laptop!!!
I know the computer isn't a good thing to hold onto, but compared to other things it's actually REALLY helpful for me. When I say other things I mean food! Without the computer I turn to food, I say 'screw all my intolerances' so that I can eat things that are fun to eat and I pay the price for it. As soon as I bought the laptop this went way down if not diminished (boredom eating/comfort eating) I think it has a lot to do with MUSIC! Which is why I originally bought the laptop, I have no access to music without a computer and music keeps me alive!

I'm really not rationalizing

Anyway, so I'm back lol!! Thanks everybody for the warm goodbyes though :3 <3!


I had a really good day today...

I worked from 8-4pm, out in the field, we had 2 new volunteers which I actually looked forward to! One of them was extremeeely shy and 16 years of age. She basically only said yes and no a few times the entire 3 hours, and we tried to get her to talk quite a bit. She seemed very socially anxious, it made me realize how much I had improved because I used to be like that! It was just insane, I suddenly saw all of my progress with confidence and expressive-it--y..? I'm not a great social person or anything yet, but at least I'm able to ask questions and answer with short answers, that's huge.
The other volunteer was a very interesting person and we got along quite well in my opinion. I found myself able to make conversation with him and forgetting to think about what I was going to say, AKA not anxious.

I saw baby bunnies today in a nest in a potato field!
They were adorableeee!
I named them all timbit. 3 Timbits. I think only canadians will understand the name

Also that youth worker that went on vacation 3 months ago is back and I saw her today. I don't know what it is about her that I just admire so much.... ! But it brightens my day to see her. I feel like I wish she was my older sister, for only knowing her so shortly I idolize her a lot. The other youth worker I was with that temporarily replaced her I had no connection to really.


That'ssss it, folks!

 

[Bittersweet]

High school. My, my. What an extraordinary place to meet immaturity.

There were a few good. The rest, minds of an ant. All victims to their distractions. Distractions from unimportance. From parties of last night. Dreadful, there I sat pretending to write, hearing it all. Not wishing one bit to be them.

This is the best description of high school I've ever come across.

 

[BlackPuma]

It's quite heartwarming to see you get along so nicely. I mean, there are SO MANY breakdown- depression- rant- and give-up- stories on here that you'd almost forget that the site is supposed help crawl to a positive resolution. You can take great pride in making such a positive change. Others might have helped, but you've got nobody but yourself to thank for that progress. Good job. :3

Oh, my.. I didn't even notice you were actually away for a while. I thought you were just hard at work. x3 But good for you that you got a laptop. I know you've got double feelings about the whole computer thing, but in the end it's a piece of equipment you can bend to your own will. It's always handy to have around. Not to mention, with a laptop you can give yourself a certain amount of full charges over a period of time (if you ever feel like you're online too much and need to limit yourself).

Anyway, keep at it. I'm totally proud of you.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Pumaaa! :3 Thanks for kind thoughts and words.

You know, bittersweet, now that you mention it, Sial speaks with great simplicity and seems to always be quotable.





I'm in a bitty of a pickle. I took today as a 'sick' day, simply because I didn't get any sleep and I wasn't feeling that well (not sick sick, just not feeling well..) Uhhhhhhh
So I called my boss and said I wasn't coming in today, I'm not feeling well. Just so happened that my voice hoarsed up and made it sound like I was very sick (I had just woken up and my voice sounded very raspy. Persuasive.

I completely forgot that I had planned to go camping from Friday-Sunday with my family. It's such a rare occasion that we do anything together that it's really important to me :/ plus i'm paying for half.

I usually work on Sunday.

DO!

I was planning on having Sunday as my only 'sick' day....

Now i'm "Sick" on Tuesday, I have work on Thursday, and then that's the Sunday.........

Do I take all three off or do I cancel the trip?


Remember that the organization I work for is non-for-profit, they don't pay me the government does. Thus, I completely doubt I'll be fired if I do take 3 days 'sick', as one of the people I work with is sick 1/3 of the time he works and he's worked there since January.

At the same time, will this damage my credibility and reference?? :/ What to do. Calling all individual thinkiners

 

[kihira]

Just ask for the day off, say you will work another day instead, tell them the real reason, that its a family thing blah, blah. If they say no, then have a sickie, but the truth usually wins :] btw being overtired is a valid reason for having the day off anyway, its important not to be a matyr for work, to have a good balance

 

[vj288]

Just ask for the day off, say you will work another day instead, tell them the real reason, that its a family thing blah, blah. If they say no, then have a sickie, but the truth usually wins :] btw being overtired is a valid reason for having the day off anyway, its important not to be a matyr for work, to have a good balance

I recommend doing this. And this way if you have to cancel your trip it's not your fault, it's your mean boss's fault ::

 

[EscapeArtist]

Okay it's decided. Yay. Forgot that I could make-up work hours! Thanks, awesome people.


(feeling really bad about over exaggerating my sickness 3: Honesty. Guilty souls, never lie)

 

[EscapeArtist]

Well it looks like that won't be a problem anyways because I'm not going to have a job either next week or the week after. That contract was never signed. And the employers of mine are a non-for-profit business, the other workers aren't paid by them either.

Lastly, I missed the last meet up of the group. I thought it was the first check-in, but becuase I didn't know that the program was over early, it was the last. I feel bad about that.... I didn't go simply because I felt self conscious. :/ But I really wanted to see everybody... oi

And the lake is all booked up so no lake this weekend... I forgot about the fourth of July.

Blaaaaaaah.

Well it's been a bad day. I'll leave it at that.. I probably brought it upon myself by waking up, calling in 'sick' for work when I was just sleep deprived, and then feeling miserable enough to activate the law of attraction and wish I didn't have a job. So I shouldn't be complaining but ... yeah,

Sorry I want to be positive but I'm not feeling it.

 

[kihira]

^ can anything here be turned into a positive, are there 'gifts' to be found? We cant go to the lake but we can...? :]

If it is the end of your work there, ask for a reference from one or two people who supervised you - usually this is just asking "Can I use you as a reference?" and getting there name, position and phone details if you dont know it already.

 

[EscapeArtist]

I be-LIEEEEEVE!!! Lol.

Here's an odd occurance,
Work was overpowering and I was getting really grumpy. I needed a break badly so that I could do some things. In fact, I didn't even want the job anymore because it was stressing out parts of lifely habits. So I thought of the law of attraction, and really visualized my want and sent out the vibe that I WAS going to get a break somehow, from work. 2-3 days later I hear the contract to the job I'm in is cancelled by the government. After a week of sitting with that I realize I really do need a job, money is tight, it's just that I need about 2-3 weeks off to better prepare healthfully as to have more energy (Exercise diet habits ETC). Today I got a call and it was one of my bosses saying that they could have me back! I'm not sure how they can have me back if the government isn't funding it anymore, but I don't really care. Even better, I start in 9 days. I will have had 2 weeks and 3 days off, and I'm gaining an extra hour a week at work. Lol awesome.

 

[vj288]

Awesome Sab! When you have a good attitude, everything really does seem to fall into place. Keep it up!

 

[BlackPuma]

Oh, that's wonderful. You must've been a good asset for them then. Try to capture this moment in time, so that you can remind yourself of how you felt in the beginning starting the job. I find that it sometimes help take the edge off.

Good for you, and good luck. :3