Escape's Journal.

[EscapeArtist]

Deadman yeah there's that side too.. Should always keep an eye on that side of closeness. Otherwise it comes out of nowhere and bites ya and you end up like us. Lol.

Aw Thanks Puma. Although there will be some complaining in here lol. I know what you mean about reading other people's experiences, it's really important, especially when you're in a dark mood, it can cheer a person up so quickly to help somebody.

 

[EscapeArtist]

It's time for one of those complainy posts. Sorry guys need to spew some negativity somewhere.

Things change pretty quickly. I'm feeling a real strong pull to chop off this new friendship because I feel like the person would be way better off without me. Also, it seems that 75% of my family (I won't be any more specific) want to be friends with him, too. Being a person with no friends who is terrified of rejection and does not have much self esteem, and who is shy around just one person let alone 3... It feels like a competition (hate to admit that) and one that I will no doubt be losing /rejected.

I'm not sure which way to turn in this situation (It probably doesn't sound like much of a situation). Just having a good friend feels very unusual, yet awesome, it's definitely put me in a better mood, I feel wayyyy less alone in life, but at the same time I feel like why would they want to hang out with me? Like they're seeing something in me that doesn't exist, and so that 'must mean' that they 1) are making me out to be something I'm not or 2) that they're faking the fact that they enjoy spending time with me. It probably doesn't help that this person for some reason likes me immensely and mentions that often,too.

I've been using kratom a lot because I feel like I have to be not-depresesed enough to be this person that my friend enjoys hanging out around, and I feel like I should hang out with him regularly because I went months on end without seeing him earlier.Also I'm really anxious about school, I haven't gone to my night classes that I signed up to and I will get kicked out if I don't go on Monday.

A lot of you won't know what kratom is, I think I mentioned it in earlier posts. It's an herb (legal, except in Thailand and Australia and some other places) that acts as a slight stimulant and opiate/downer. Nothing really intense, but it gets me out of the house willingly. The only problem that I see it having is that for about 3 days after I use it, I am more depressed and low about myself. This makes me think that it could be releasing a lot of neurotransmitters and leaving me depleted in the longer run. By the way, it has to be used every 3-4 days to work, so addiction is a non-issue.

So having kratom helps with anxiety a lot. It will most likely get me to go to school on Monday and save me from failing again, phew. But I'm starting to feel dependent on substances, like I can't go outside unless I have some mental substance difference to make it more enjoyable. Or maybe this little herb really is making it so my friend doesn't know me for who I really am? I'm not sure. A little piece of me worries about dependency. Then again, I have used kratom on and off for anxiety over the last year, it's the thing that allowed me to get into skills link (I probably wouldn't have otherwise stepped out the door to go to the interview) and I easily dropped it after that without even realizing I had stopped using it. I don't know, scatter brain rambly post time!

 

[MikeyC]

It probably doesn't help that this person for some reason likes me immensely and mentions that often,too.

Well, this is good, right? They want to be your friend. Sounds like you might be sabotaging yourself. ::

 

[EscapeArtist]

Mikey, I definitely feel an urge to, or at least an unavoidable suspicion of the future taking such a form, so it could be that is true.


Well let me start this update of a journal post by mentioning that I have no idea why I demonized kratom originally. It turns out this stuff is really helping me. Enough to make me feel like I have a life again! I mean, I can use it every 2nd or 3rd day and use it to do something I wouldn't do otherwise. For instance tomorrow, I'm going to a meetup group about how to improve your social skills, I will be using kratom to get out the door, and because of that I know i'll end up going, if it weren't for kratom I wouldn't go ever.

Thank god for the legal existence of kratom. The best part is that I feel less anxious and more capable even on the days I don't use kratom. Just because I'm actually out and doing things on an ALMOST every day basis.

There's a lot going on it feels like, but it doesn't seem right to mention on here what specifically. Maybe because it's so public, and also, I had my picture as my avatar, and i'm paranoid people will recognize me, so i'll leave it at that, and let you know how the meetup goes tomorrow.

 

[MikeyC]

Good luck on the meet-up.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Okay.. Blah! I'm stressed, WAY stressed. Stressed enough to put very personal stuff out here, where people may or may not know who I am because I posted my picture a few times, I hope nobody recognizes me...

I feel like I have nobody to talk to for some reason, my older sister has moved out and my younger sister is younger, I don't want to bury her with stress in my life. At times like this, I think back to when I went to visit my Dad in Alabama, and I miss him! A guy I've only seen 10 days out of the last 4 years, and I feel like I would be more comfortable there right now, I really miss him.

This friendship I've had has been amazing, really close. I've always known the guy, i'll call him Paul here, has liked me, but never gave it a chance, told him I'm a lesbian. Maybe I'm not as attracted to him as I would be to a girl who I really liked, I am definitely a lesbian, but I started thinking, maybe I can at least try, maybe I can see what happens, maybe I can learn about myself, and plus you can't know these things without trying. Sometimes lesbians fall in love with guys, at least that's what I've heard...

Anyways, I just decided to give it a go. And right now I don't regret it, despite the fact that there isn't much like.. energetic tension, you know, that butterfly feeling, there isn't much of that, but I still feel a very special bond with him, and a deep emotional connection that makes me want to see where this can go. I have learned this term after posting this difficult situation on another forum, and somebody mentioned the term "biromantic". Basically it's when you have such a deep emotional connection to somebody that you develop the sexual attraction eventually and they become an exception to your sexuality. Normally I would say it's not possible, crazy, but maybe this guy could be an exception, because I want him to be, honestly, at the same time there is a fear on my shoulder of "this is just a very close friendship, and unfortunately you may not be able to break past your truth for this"... But I'm still going to see.

A lot of you sometimes wonder, how do people with SP deal in a relationship? HORRIBLY! Let's just say, it's already causing me TONS of stress. Mainly because I am not comfortable with my body, so I already worry about like... what happens when the relationship deepens? Also then come the questions of sexuality, what will happen with me? Will I decide then, to cut it off, just like that? But wait, let's go back, I am NOT comfortable in my skin, no way am I getting into that stuff... I guess I was purposely not putting 'relationships' as a priority because I am not confident enough to even want to THINK about it! AAaah!! So there's some stress, but also a lot of good... I still have to say though that the sexuality thing causes me the most stress. If I am to realize my feelings (which are totally confused right now) and realize that I perhaps am not as attracted as I want to be to this guy, and I've now led him on so much, and he's so head over heels for me... I would... It would be the worst thing I've ever done, to hurt him. I'm not saying this is what I feel, it's what I fear I might feel, but at least my feelings are growing, I hope that means something.

So take that scenario right there, and then add on to the fact that my mom has a massive crush on this guy... We have been hiding all of this from her, but today she demanded the "truth" about us by trying to break down my door (my counselor told me that It's okay to lock the door if she goes into a "mania" and starts saying nasty things, until she calms down so we can talk, at least.) So I told her where we are, and she became very scary, saying goodbye to us, "have a nice life", and then jumping in the car drunk. She often threatens to kills herself, almost weekly these days, it's gotten a LOT more prevalent.... It was super scary at first because I heard ambulances, but I got a call that she's at his house, and she's fine.

While this feels way personal to post on here, I wish I had somebody to talk to, an adult, who knew what to do in these situations. Sometimes I feel like the parent to my mother, worrying about her as if she's a rebellious teen...

 

[MikeyC]

Normally I would say it's not possible, crazy, but maybe this guy could be an exception, because I want him to be, honestly, at the same time there is a fear on my shoulder of "this is just a very close friendship, and unfortunately you may not be able to break past your truth for this"... But I'm still going to see.

Don't try and force feelings for him out there. Just take it all in your stride and see how it goes. If it doesn't work out, you can at least accept the fact that you tried. I know you don't want to hurt him but sometimes that happens, and if he knows the deal he should be okay.

my mom has a massive crush on this guy... We have been hiding all of this from her, but today she demanded the "truth" about us by trying to break down my door (my counselor told me that It's okay to lock the door if she goes into a "mania" and starts saying nasty things, until she calms down so we can talk, at least.) So I told her where we are, and she became very scary, saying goodbye to us, "have a nice life", and then jumping in the car drunk. She often threatens to kills herself, almost weekly these days, it's gotten a LOT more prevalent....

This must be really awkward. Sounds like you and your mum need to have a chat about it when she's rational. I don't really know what to say here because I've never experienced anything remotely like this. Good luck.

While this feels way personal to post on here, I wish I had somebody to talk to, an adult, who knew what to do in these situations.

I know I might not be much help but you're welcome to chat to me.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Everybody leaves, unless you are "the one", then forever you remain in mind. As long as I'm not "the one", I am abandoned, so says my train of thought, and if I am to be abandoned, I must be the one to do it first.

 

[vj288]

Before you abandon ship, be sure it is truly sinking. Don't let your past experience color your perspective of how this voyage will potentially end.

I think a lot of people spend much of their time searching for "the one" until they feel they have found him or her. Overturning a rock and not finding what you are looking for is good reason to move on, or "abandon" it. Sometimes people may not find what they are looking for, but something else they like, and hold onto it while in search of their main item of interest. People certainly want to find that one, but they are not opposed to picking up complementary things along the way.

 

[MikeyC]

That's not true. I've had many female friends in the past that I've wanted to remain friends with. Is that kind of what you're getting at?

 

[EscapeArtist]

You guys are probably right. But it feels like unless you are that "one" that a person is planning their life out with, there is no way you won't be left behind. The only thing I want in life is family and a place. A place that family always come back to, where you are, and by family I mean friends who have become that. A home, with a big group of family, where even if people plan to leave, there is so much other family around. I hate putting it all on this one guy, without knowing whether he wants that same kind of closeness

I am so confused about this all around situation. That it is messing with my head. So much. It's hard to be away from him, at the same time, it's hard to be with him, at the same time, I don't feel the electricity, so what the heck is it that I'm feeling, I would be jealous... But I feel like I am tearing his life a part somehow, because he has a girlfriend, and now he is confused, too.

I'm meeting up with a lot of old friends in these next 2 weeks. 1 from a while ago, elementary, and 2 from highschool. I am super excited to see the one from elementary especially, because she is an amazzzzzzing person, and she knew me before I had all these problems and was a happy childlike person. She is VERY non judgmental, the kind of person you can come up to after 70 years and be like "oh hey!" she doesn't have social stigmas or whatever they are called, when you don't do certain things because it's 'lame'. So yeah

At the same time, my family life feels like it's falling a part. My mom is going nuts. She is drinking a lot more, she tried crack, she ended up on suicide watch, it was difficult calling the cops on her not knowing what to do, she is not treating me like I exist anymore and I feel like she is losing herself to her demons. I have to find a job and move out, but, I don't want to live alone, I think that would be the worst feeling in the world, to live alone or even to live with a friend. So this brings me back to... commune? I feel more able bodied now, I feel a little more socially capable, I am considering this option a lot more.

My dad also made a very serious offer of whether I would like to come live there because of the way my mom is going, and I wonder, hm. It's on offer.

There is so much change and yet so little, I hate change, and for some reason, it makes me feel like I'm totally losing myself. I have felt fine these last few weeks but there have also been moments where I feel worse than I can remember, and life feels a lot less worth living than I can remember. Because I'm forgetting who I am, I'm forgetting nature, I'm forgetting health, I'm forgetting purpose, beauty, soul, and all of the things I live for, not giving it enough time and space. I blah! No need to reply to this one, peeps

 

[MikeyC]

At the same time, my family life feels like it's falling a part. My mom is going nuts. She is drinking a lot more, she tried crack, she ended up on suicide watch, it was difficult calling the cops on her not knowing what to do, she is not treating me like I exist anymore and I feel like she is losing herself to her demons. I have to find a job and move out, but, I don't want to live alone, I think that would be the worst feeling in the world, to live alone or even to live with a friend. So this brings me back to... commune? I feel more able bodied now, I feel a little more socially capable, I am considering this option a lot more.

My dad also made a very serious offer of whether I would like to come live there because of the way my mom is going, and I wonder, hm. It's on offer.

Whoa! Yeah, definitely consider and possibly take up your dad's offer.

Change can be enduring but if you are making changes for the better you will see its benefits in the long run.

 

[BlackPuma]

I agree with Mikey on that one, even if only temporary, it's best to live with your dad for a while so that you're not exposed to your mother's toxic behavior anymore. Because bad behavior or not, she's still your mom, and to a certain extent you'll value her opinions and behavior no matter how numb you get to it.

You shouldn't be rushed/forced into moving in with various strangers. While a good move socially, I think it would be better in any case to relocate from a peaceful household. Make it a step, rather then a desperate leap.

I think some direct environmental peace and stability would do your planning good too (not that it's bad in any way, respect EA.)

 

[vj288]

I agree with Puma and Mikey in regard to consider the offer you Dad proposed, it sounded like when you went down to visit before it went well and you were comfortable there, and most importantly felt safe. You would have to leave behind what you have now and start over fresh, but in the long run it sounds like it could be a good decision. Pro's and con's of each, but once you work out your confusion about other things the choice may be clearer when you can see what's most important to you right now.

And that's great that you're meeting up with old friends! It's always great to hear about that from you, it's one thing you've worked at since the start and looking over time have improved upon greatly if I'm not being too bold. Hope it all goes well with them

 

[Acegame]

I'm so sorry to hear about your current situation at home. That must be really difficult. But at the same time you seem to do so well at the moment! From what I have read you improved allot. A very close new friend, meeting up with a few old friends... That’s really great. I really admire your hands on aproach. You are taking matters into your own hands. You want to be happy and you fight for it. Not many people are able to do that, including me. And your situation is hell of a lot tougher than mine, i can tell you that.

I've been thinking about the situation with your mom. I’m trying to think what might be the best thing to do. For yourself (and your sister) maybe it’s better to stay with your dad for a while, because it’s a huge burden for you both to be with your mom in this state. And maybe it will do you mother some good too. But because your mother isn’t really stable at the moment I’d be very careful how to handle it. If she feels so depressed and tries to escape by using substances and even considers suicide, she probably feels pretty worthless. When you decide to live with your father for a while, it might be a good idea to talk with your mother about it first and not just leave out of the blue when you’re in a fight or something. Explain how you feel being at home right now, but also show her that you love her even though it’s not going so well at the moment. And if it’s hard to talk to her, then maybe it’s an idea to write her a letter or even email her?

People who are not doing well and need help the most, often are not the most pleasant people to be around. I know from myself when I’m not feeling well that I can act very distant and try to avoid contact and thus keep people at a distance. Even the people I love the most. Not that I want to be like that, but it happens. I don’t think your mother hates you by treating you as if you don’t exist. Also when you’re depressed you want to be appreciated by other people so you feel that you matter. But at the same time you repel other people. So even though she should be the one apologizing to you for her behavior, maybe it’s a good idea to show her you care about her.

If you ever feel the need to rant, talk about something or whatever you're free to message me anytime. I had a difficult mother when i was young (not as much as you though) so maybe i'll be able to help

 

[EscapeArtist]

Thank you everybody so much for your thoughtful posts. In all honesty, I should return the favor more than I do. I'm sorry that this place has become a place for me to rant and not give much support back, sometimes I have more support energy than others

Ace, hi! I haven't seen you on here a lot lately. How are you doing? I bet you handle things better than you think you do. I've always seen you as a hands on person, because you seem very helpful. Thankyou for your rant offer, i'm thinking about all you said


Okay y'all, I will talk to my sisters about moving in with my dad, it's no perfect situation down there though. He works in one state but lives in another, has a family with many disabilities, yadda. So I'm going to take Vj's thingy, and make a pro and con list of which atmosphere seems more preferable. Now that I have friends here it's ..hm.. hard decision. There are great things on both sides.

I am going to try and be there for her and she how she goes, she is doing better these last few days. I am afraid that leaving her would be a very bad idea, at the same time..

My dad today was in a car accident after he had a seizure, no previous history of seizures, but he is okay. The only thing to worry about now is if it could be cancer, which he has had before, or diabetes/blood pressure. Hmm. If only people believed me when I tell them I know the science of how to beat these diseases with dietary changes. What can ya do. He is alright and so I am happy, yay. It could have been so much worse. It really sucks that I can't go see him. edit: okay it's not a brain tumor so everything is A-okay

I don't want to throw this out there too early but I'm pretty sure that I am going to an eco village/commune after all, just for a month, in the end of April. Going to finish my one course that I'm taking this month and leave probably around April 27th. I want to do this while I'm feeling good and not miss my chance, and right now it does not feel scary. At the same time, I feel very clingy for friends and want to make some, so I'm hoping to make more close connections there. Goal: Make close connections. Also, goal: find healing atmosphere

 

[MikeyC]

Thank you everybody so much for your thoughtful posts. In all honesty, I should return the favor more than I do. I'm sorry that this place has become a place for me to rant and not give much support back, sometimes I have more support energy than others

This is your thread, so you can write whatever you want here. Rant away and we will listen.

My dad today was in a car accident after he had a seizure, no previous history of seizures, but he is okay. The only thing to worry about now is if it could be cancer, which he has had before, or diabetes/blood pressure. Hmm. If only people believed me when I tell them I know the science of how to beat these diseases with dietary changes. What can ya do. He is alright and so I am happy, yay. It could have been so much worse. It really sucks that I can't go see him. edit: okay it's not a brain tumor so everything is A-okay

No history of seizures? Wow. I hope that was an isolated case and not a sign of things to come. :/ Glad to hear he's okay and that there's no tumor.

 

[EscapeArtist]

I have to stop using kratom, or lower my usage. Every 2nd day is putting a damper on my neurotransmitter levels, leaving me feeling horrible almost all the time but mostly on my off days. Mostly dopamine I am guessing based on symptoms of both what kratom does and also how I feel on my off days. It is relieved a little bit by L-tyrosine, which is the amino acid that your body converts dopamine into.

Lol I feel embarrassed about how excited I was about this stuff thinking that it had no come down, but after using it every 2nd day for almost a month I see that there is a come down but it is minor and builds up with usage that is close together. I have so much of it too, and it helped me with so much (for some reason took away my urge to overeat, got me some friends, plans to meet up with old ones, going out almost every day so it seems less scary now, been in an every-2nd-day exercise plan, etc) but the downs are beginning to feel the way I felt when I was severely depressed at the age of 13. Hmmm... what happened to HEALTH again? I thought I knew that was the way, Lol.

I would rather be healthy and feel pretty damn good all the time (running and exercise, eating whole food, avoiding allergies, vitamins, st. johns wort... being productive and social) VS. feeling woaaah pretty ****ing great for 6 hours and then feeling woaaah pretty hopeless tired and unmotivated for the next 36, on and off for weeks

But there is a use for this stuff, basically it's just that I have to use it less often and use it to my advantage on top of health. I can use it to start off things that normally I would put off for years out of fear. For instance if I want to go to a new group, it's great to use going for the first time, because as long as it is used sparingly there is only a tiny little after effect or none at all. And of course for people coming off of other things, like meth or heroin or perscription drugs, that's what it's popular for, those people probably won't even notice a come down! I hope the neurotransmitter ups and downs aren't the reason me and my friend bond so well, because he is a drug addict, and I find people with similar neurotransmitter problems bond, of course mine are not as extreme...

So the thing now is how to get off of being reliant on it while keeping everything it has given me? I don't want to lose the urge to exercise, or eat healthier, or to go out and do something and make friends.

I have so much of it too, like, a lot, enough to last probably a year. And this path is a better path than doing nothing at all, that's for sure, but it's not the right path... because it gets worse with time (the overall effectiveness). I will stick with this awareness for now, keep working on the things that ARE progressing, and leave it at that for now, maybe put a few extra days in between, I don't know i just felt like thinking about it in public

Also heard about something called Radical Honesty, by some guy who wrote a book called Radical Honesty, and it sounds very intruiging, the very thing I've been working on, being honest about everything and saying all your thoughts, even the ones you think to yourself as mistakes, yadda,,, yaaaaad

 

[EscapeArtist]

If I go to class right now... I won't feel horibly regretful like I know I will in a few hours!! But still something holds me back. Maybe it's as simple as fearing being trapped in a place with people for 2 hours. That feeling of not being able to leave and needing to be right there. And a combination of feeling sooooooo sleeepy that I could pass out at any minute...zzz...So here I sit knowing I will totally regret this, because I'm pretty sure this could be a class that to miss would get me kicked out...... Ugh!

I will wait off this sleepiness... which should end in at least 30 mins... And see if I can go later. The class goes for 3 hours from now, so even making it in the last 1 hour will make sure i'm not kicked out.

 

[MikeyC]

I hope you went to class despite your fatigue, Escape. Did you end up going?