Escape's Journal.

[EscapeArtist]

Phocas, I'm sure that's true. I wonder if there is a process to see ourselves without exaggeration on our flaws?

okay skanking, i'm changing my beliefs, promise!! It's good to see you on here, hey, i'm going to send you a PM





A little update:
Wow, is being more social EVER so important! I think just sharing my last post on here after having almost 0 social contact touched me in this way that allowed the thoughts to get out instead of circling around in my head. I also talked to a friend on IM about these things, and all of that combined made me re-realize the purpose of friends. I was socially deprived so thank god I decided to post my troubles on such a loving and supportive site.

I just want to do a quick update of where I am standing today. I feel like by having a semi breakdown a few days ago during that post and by sharing it socially i've picked myself up. I'm just trying to stay productive, and I'm going to try and stay socially connected as much as possible.

Also I just want to throw a mention out there for B12 if you are having fatigue and depression. I have been focused on getting lots via supplement and I feel 10x better than I did, almost like I have found what I had more of 2 years ago when I felt so much more grounded and lighthearted (although i'm sure vitamin D had a role in that too, which I've stopped taking). I actually have energy to do things, I don't have the urge to sit in bed ALL day long (which I do many days out of fatigue). Of course this will only happen if you're deficient like I am. But god, is it an ever important nutrient. I was actually having permanent nerve damage in my hip for a good 3 months (an electrical pain that only happens when severely depleted of B12) that disappeared when I started taking it.

I want to also stress the importance of balance. If you are prone to being obsessive, don't just focus on one thing if you're trying to improve. Focus on a holistic approach... Try to better meet your emotional, social, physical, mental needs, try keeping a routine. And most important, NEVER idealize the way out! If you know what you must to do get over the problem, see it as a different path where you will gain different kinds of benefits but have different kinds of negatives, do not see it as some big and mighty mission that you can only achieve if you are perfect. You will have the positive and negatives, but they will illuminate on different parts of your life, maybe more important or less important parts of your life.

 

[EasySkanking]

^I can vouch for the vitamins part. I bought a complete multi-vitamin after reading your post and I'm feeling a lot better - looks like I had a deficiency as well. I also got 5-htp, but don't want to try that yet till I progress a little more with CBT and am standing in more solid ground

 

[MikeyC]

Wow, is being more social EVER so important! I think just sharing my last post on here after having almost 0 social contact touched me in this way that allowed the thoughts to get out instead of circling around in my head. I also talked to a friend on IM about these things, and all of that combined made me re-realize the purpose of friends. I was socially deprived so thank god I decided to post my troubles on such a loving and supportive site.

That's wonderful! It honestly does help to get your feelings out there, even if it's to a whole bunch of random strangers online. I'm glad we could help.

I just want to do a quick update of where I am standing today. I feel like by having a semi breakdown a few days ago during that post and by sharing it socially i've picked myself up. I'm just trying to stay productive, and I'm going to try and stay socially connected as much as possible.

Getting so low that you're close to having a breakdown means that there's no way but up. Glad you're feeling a lot better, though.

 

[EscapeArtist]

^I can vouch for the vitamins part. I bought a complete multi-vitamin after reading your post and I'm feeling a lot better - looks like I had a deficiency as well. I also got 5-htp, but don't want to try that yet till I progress a little more with CBT and am standing in more solid ground

Oh, I'm glad to have an influence I'm glad that you feel better! I tried 5-htp a few different times and found that it is best to start with a really small dose, like 20mg every 2nd day. The first time I tried 200 mg! LOL I felt like a zombie, so be careful it can zombify a person just like an antidepressant. But starting small it helped me

 

[EscapeArtist]

Something that works for me. Anybody with an open mind up for a little exercise? Experiment with me

This is something that works for me, it's a way of self talk where you divide your actions into those of your inner child and your inner parent. It takes a little bit of openmindedness because it can feel awkward at first, talking to yourself. Your inner child is everything innocent, in the moment, hopeful and enlightened. The inner parent is any past/future thoughts, discouragement or encouragement in the back of your mind (including that negative thinking). It's the part of you that talks to yourself basically, judges yourself positively or negatively, whether that's fear-talk or love-talk.

So it's really quite amazing, I was doing the "personal mission statement" on this website:
Personal Mission Statement Examples | Mission Statement Builder | FranklinCovey
And basically what it is is a bunch of questions that dig into your life's purpose, and what works for you for achieving your dreams.
Except I was doing it from the perspective of my inner parent. The personal mission statement asks questions like "What are you usually doing when you're at your best" and "what are you usually doing when you are at your worst". I personally converted it to the perspective of the inner parent, so that it is "What are you usually doing when Sabrina(child) is at her best/worst". The answer to these questions is something like:

"Sabrina is at her best when I show her love, stay positive and take everything lightly so that she does not get anxious" (Once again, speaking from the position of the self-talk voice or inner 'parent'.)

and
"My child is at her worst when I:
discourage by telling her that she is not important and the things she wants in life don't exist
or
choose to shut her up by shoving food in her face instead of hearing her out."



Through this I realized that if you look at the choices you are making from a parent/child role, you will see how horribly abusive they are to yourself! For instance, "I will shove food into my child's mouth instead of hearing her out", that's absolutely insanely cruel! And yet if I were to have instead just said "I eat when I feel sad", I don't seem to recognize the full abusiveness of this act.

2 hours later, I went into the kitchen to get something to eat out of having some underlying emotion. I did finish half of it, but halfway through I remembered what I had just learned, and started to think, right now is this an act of abuse that i'm putting onto a very innocent and vulnerable part of myself? I found I just could not eat anymore, it felt too disgusting.

I realize in an odd sense that when I choose short-term gratification over long-term gratification, it's my inner self-talk parent receiving amusement over something much more important, the happiness and the development of the inner child. It's my inner parent putting herself before my inner child, kind of like saying "I want this so i'm going to do this! Who cares about you, you're not important". For instance, i'll use the comfort eating as an example. It starts when my self talk becomes fearful, negative and hopeless first, which makes my inner child part feel afraid. Then the child part has some intense emotions that I feel like I have to release that come from the fear, but the part of me that has to listen (parent) doesn't want to hear it, says "go and get some food" instead. And the child feels like it has no other outlet, so it listens and does as told. So it's my inner parent being neglectful and selfish that makes negative outlets seem magnetic.

 

[vj288]

Something that works for me. Anybody with an open mind up for a little exercise? Experiment with me

This is something that works for me, it's a way of self talk where you divide your actions into those of your inner child and your inner parent. It takes a little bit of openmindedness because it can feel awkward at first, talking to yourself. Your inner child is everything innocent, in the moment, hopeful and enlightened. The inner parent is any past/future thoughts, discouragement or encouragement in the back of your mind (including that negative thinking). It's the part of you that talks to yourself basically, judges yourself positively or negatively, whether that's fear-talk or love-talk.

So it's really quite amazing, I was doing the "personal mission statement" on this website:
Personal Mission Statement Examples | Mission Statement Builder | FranklinCovey
And basically what it is is a bunch of questions that dig into your life's purpose, and what works for you for achieving your dreams.
Except I was doing it from the perspective of my inner parent. The personal mission statement asks questions like "What are you usually doing when you're at your best" and "what are you usually doing when you are at your worst". I personally converted it to the perspective of the inner parent, so that it is "What are you usually doing when Sabrina(child) is at her best/worst". The answer to these questions is something like:

"Sabrina is at her best when I show her love, stay positive and take everything lightly so that she does not get anxious" (Once again, speaking from the position of the self-talk voice or inner 'parent'.)

and
"My child is at her worst when I:
discourage by telling her that she is not important and the things she wants in life don't exist
or
choose to shut her up by shoving food in her face instead of hearing her out."



Through this I realized that if you look at the choices you are making from a parent/child role, you will see how horribly abusive they are to yourself! For instance, "I will shove food into my child's mouth instead of hearing her out", that's absolutely insanely cruel! And yet if I were to have instead just said "I eat when I feel sad", I don't seem to recognize the full abusiveness of this act.

2 hours later, I went into the kitchen to get something to eat out of having some underlying emotion. I did finish half of it, but halfway through I remembered what I had just learned, and started to think, right now is this an act of abuse that i'm putting onto a very innocent and vulnerable part of myself? I found I just could not eat anymore, it felt too disgusting.

I realize in an odd sense that when I choose short-term gratification over long-term gratification, it's my inner self-talk parent receiving amusement over something much more important, the happiness and the development of the inner child. It's my inner parent putting herself before my inner child, kind of like saying "I want this so i'm going to do this! Who cares about you, you're not important". For instance, i'll use the comfort eating as an example. It starts when my self talk becomes fearful, negative and hopeless first, which makes my inner child part feel afraid. Then the child part has some intense emotions that I feel like I have to release that come from the fear, but the part of me that has to listen (parent) doesn't want to hear it, says "go and get some food" instead. And the child feels like it has no other outlet, so it listens and does as told. So it's my inner parent being neglectful and selfish that makes negative outlets seem magnetic.

I remember learning about this in a Sociology class I took, and there was a book we (were supposed to) read that I think may interest you Sab called Creating LOVE by John Bradshaw. I can't say I've read book but from the bits I did read and from what I picked up during class it sounds a lot like something that could help you out maybe.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Well the title sounds good! I'll check it out, thanks Vj

 

[EscapeArtist]

My 2012 plan.

Screw resolutions, i'm making a plan for 2012.

Recently I've had this really weird plan to restore my motivation by 1: Purposely feeling ****ty anxiety/depression wise by letting go of my exercise, diet, isolation, yadda and then 2: Re exposing myself to my motivations. Anyways I think it worked! Despite now feeling really nauseous from lack of dietary care lol. But BAM! I feel motivated! I remember why now I want to move on with my life. I had to share it


Duddee, now I remember that the reason I want to get better in the first place is so I can go to a community. Not even exactly being in a community, a community just represents a connection to all of the things that I want: Social freedom, feeling a part of a 'family' like group, meeting lots of new people and being comfortable with it, being in nature, working and being passionate about it because it's directly connected to my life, not needing to worry about money, having adventures, and a place of home. I want to live with authentic beings in a natural environment, with many friends who are always coming and going and always together. I have tons of posts in this journal about that, I wonder why I completely forgot how much I want that? How many times have I planned to do this, only persuaded myself that it's not worth it.

Here is my plan.
1. The center of my plan is a candida cleanse diet. I'm 99% sure that this will majorly affect me because I've done one in the past that did. Then doing probiotics and the raw thing thang. Mainly to control my depression, fatigue and anxiey obvioussly. During the first 2 weeks I'm going to be doing a lot of things like getting into yoga, visualization, reading "the power of now", lots of emotional sortings and such. This will probably be the hardest part, initiation.

2. Once I'm past the hard part of that, (probably around day 15-20) I'm going to start exercising and going out socially a lot more. Most likely at this stage I won't have to push myself to do that (prediction). Oh, I'm also going to TOTALLY cram 2 whole units of bio into 8 days. LOL........... I'm not going to have it in me to do that during the early part of the detox. But it's way less important than this.

3. On day 15-20, I'm going to send my introduction/visitor email to the community, hopefully am accepted and hopefully book a time to go! I want to be able to go on Feb 1, but 15 days notification sounds tight, so either that or March 1st. I also may not feel ready, who knows, on Feb 1. If that's the case March 1. Unfortunately if I can't go March 1st for any reason, I doubt I'll have enough funds to go April 1st, as I'm using my Christmas/Birthday/Selling stuff money and using it up on food every day so, something will work out.

4. The days leading up to, I'm going to be putting myself out there and making more connections here to practice. Going to a lot of Meetup.com groups to practice joining in a group and making new friends. Starting new interests that I've wanted to start for awhile, yoga classes? Keeping up on exercise. Saving my money and selling things to make sure I have enough. If I go in March, I also have the option to take 1 more highschool course before I am off, that way my child support won't run out and also i'll have another course under my belt.

5. When I DO go... I'm hoping I'll like it there... I'm hoping maybe that I can be accepted as a member... and if I am, I can stay longer, maybe through to August? But, this will obviously be determined by what the place is like. My ultimate goal is to find a place that feels like home. So that's what I hope happens! If it is that the place doesn't suit me, that's fine too, in the end I'm only dreaming up this place to motivate me through the initiation stage anyway.

And throughout all of this i'm going to keep a pretty tight schedule day-to-day, so that the time flies, and I don't fall victim to negative thinking out of boredom and disconnection from life, because I can't wait to just get to my goal now.

And heck I'm not waiting for the new year i'm startin now

 

[BlackPuma]

All the power to yah, and do let use know how it goes! I'll be stalking your thread right here in the corner.. No, the other one.. the one with the fort made out of pizza boxes in it, yeah that one.. for updates of your progress.

And good for you starting right away, treating it like some honorable romanticized new year's goal always subjects it to how honorable you feel the next day (which is less then glorious most of the time), while general goals tend to stick regardless of such feelings.

Oh, and a happy (belated/on time/early) new year! :3

 

[EscapeArtist]

Well, I was doing really well with my resolution, but it seems something went wrong. I ended up taking a big step back. I think I have to "unplug" to really reconnect to myself so that I can find the essence to go forward in the more important directions. While I was doing well with things that were taming my anxiety/depression, I was still hiding in technology addiction. I still AM. right now. as I speak. I literally am always on technology, and feel lost without it. Can you believe it's come to the point where I am afraid to go to bed because I'm afraid to leave my social illusion/the computer?


It's almost impossible, while one is struggling to make a life change, to feel motivation when one feels like everything is OKAY. I am so desperate for my goals that the computer has extra appeal, it is a fast-acting illusion that I have already acheived my goals of community and social connection.So, say I'm putting in a huge effort to reach a certain goal towards feeling more permanently at peace, but I'm still hiding in computer addiction and feeling fake short-term peace and satiety. What motivation will I have to find permanent satiety in certain areas of life if I am feeling short term satiety right now? I will end up letting down my guard and will break my efforts.

It's the same thing socially. I'm fighting to feel good in social situations, the reason is because I don't have that right now, and it's very important to maintain that I DONT HAVE THAT RIGHT NOW if I want to change. In order to reach these big permanent goals, I have to take away all of the things that are fast-acting and giving me short bursts of these things that I don't actually have. I have to leave the wound open so it can repair itself.

The number one thing I want in life is community, and the ability to connect deeply. Well, unfortunately, the reason I come on the computer is because there is a sense of community in a way that I can socially connect to it. As well as television, or any other technology.....


I remember when I went to the lake, and there was no television, or wifi, or anybody really except my mother, and we were both in a rut. While she chain smoked to gain these short-term benefits, I had nothing to get this from. And while that week was misery because all I could do was sit and realize what I am missing from my life, I felt more secure in my choices because I saw reality. I felt an overwhelming of emotions that were buried, but I also felt like there was no way but forward to go.

Anyways, this is my good bye to the internet, unless I'm doing my studying which unfortunately is online, and the tv. I'm allowing music and SOME movies but only if they help me connect to my reality and emotions instead of distracting me from my reality. Obviously not all movies qualify, and it will be a rare occasion when I need to feel expression by watching art.

Why change if I've got this internet community to keep me partially entertained all day?

Is it possible that I crave sometimes unhealthy extremes because I have barred extreme realities from my life?

A long post for this, because it's a really big deal for me, I've been addicted to the computer and television and on them almost 24/7 since I was about 6 years old.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Well, you're right; it's an "addiction". Like any addiction, it takes a while to get off of it, even longer if you've been on it for as long as you have. Not to mention that the world is becoming more integrated with the Internet. If I'm on the mark about this, what you're doing is equivalent to quitting cold turkey. It's going to be hell on you, but, if you think that you can survive it, then you can go ahead with it. Don't feel so rushed about this; you might end up making it worse. Take things one step at a time; you've got all year to do this! Good luck!

 

[EscapeArtist]

Deadman, I think you're right. If it's an addiction, technically that's cold turkey. Thanks so much for putting it that way, or I think I would have ended up just going back and forth in extremes again.

I'm going to start doing more activities away from the computer first, and take it from there

 

[MikeyC]

I am on the internet a lot myself, and I start to think about going on it when I'm away for a little while. Maybe I think I need a break, too, but I don't have the motivation.

 

[vj288]

It's good to recognize the problem Sab, I think you've known for awhile, and taking action is a good thing. That being said, make sure you've thought everything out and are being realistic. If you take diets for example, the ones that force people to stop eating all their favorite foods work for awhile and help take the weight off, but once they come off the diet they start eating all the foods again and gain all the weight back. The key to losing and keeping weight off is to have a diet that they enjoy and won't be miserable eating. If someones current diet consists of eating a full cake everyday they have a lot of changes that need to be made, but cutting out cake all together would make them hate the changes they're making.

I might be wrong here, but I'm guessing you're sort of thinking by removing yourself completely from technology, or with just some music and the occasional movie, you'll be forced to do other things with your time, you have time you must do something with it. It's like removing all the cake from your house, forces you to eat something else. The thing is, the technology isn't all bad. I don't think it's as black and white as you're making it out to be.

These are just my thoughts, I know we're all different but I've had a problem with technology in the past, and my usage now may still be a more than ideal, but when I tried to remove it all together it always made things worse. I mean, a week break is good, and I'll take days off completely here and there. I actually literally get nightmares about the internet when I don't take a breather. But the idea that I'd never be able to do something that I dare say enjoy, and find some refugee is just depressing and makes me resent the changes I'm trying to make. You know, "Why try to devote so much time to my school work when it means getting rid of something that's important" even if I know deep down it's "for the best."

You know what's best for you, but in my experience big changes never last and are unrealistic for me, it's those small shifts that don't show immediate results that are the most stable and helpful to overall well being.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Long time no post. I think about letting this whole journal thing go a lot when I remember it exists, but it's here to practice openness, it should take effort.

I should probably make it clear that these last few months have been a pretty low moment for some reason. I have just felt such freedom in isolation, like it's all new again ever since I quit my job back in September. The upwards swing feels here luckily.

I am re-trying online courses, I haven't gone to one yet, I have been away on a trip to my dad's who lives in Alabama. It went really well! I feel like I added on a whole 'nother sleeve of family to my previous mind-image of a dwindling non-existent family. That's pretty cool. He is really supportive and nothing like I thought he was (I haven't seen him in years, only spoken to him a few times in the last 4, and being only 19 a lot goes on from 14-19, never really got to know him as an adult with an opinion until now)

Hmm what else. I went to a naturopath, I just wanted to see their approach, what their opinion would be with everything. They gave me some high quality St. John's Wort to try, I honestly can't tell if it's doing something and it's been 3 weeks. Some days I do feel really good for what seems like no reason at all (like today!), and other days I feel pretty crummy normal. It's supposed to take 3 weeks to kick in and in 5ish more days it will be 3 weeks later.... If I start to feel more consistently the way I do as I do on these random good days, I will definitely be giving St. John's Wort a worthwhile rating (and I was so skeptical.)

Also was given B complex (B6, niacin) and D. Taking both, feel better. Of course, it's going to take more than supplements to make some huge life change, but I at least feel less depressed enough to start now doing something else (studying, exercising, maybe reconnecting with the friends that I continually just fall off the face of the earth from (sorry)) She also recommended daily walks outside, for obvious reasons, and to get a desk/chair instead of just sitting on my bed all day, better for getting blood to all parts of the body for fatigue. If anybody is interested in what happens when you go to a naturopath. Haven't done that yet... Lastly she did recommend a certain diet that I'm not touching yet, because I'm going to take a break from being too intense on that part.


Starting to see a new counselor at the hopsital, they're harder to find free now that I'm an official adult. Met her 3 weeks ago and she was really nice, I missed today's appointment but I'm looking forward to it. I do have to call the mental health part of the hospital now though to reschedule... A little scary.

Oh one last thing, I finally hung out with a friend I haven't seen in a few months. We connected really well! I finally am starting to feel comfortable around him (it has been like a year and finally). It's when a friendship goes from acquaintance > friendship, that's a special moment in time.



Uhm.. That's all... I'm going to start exercising again now that I feel a little more energy and hopefully take it step by step like that. That's kind of my plan. Repair my low energy and start adding on hobbies and a LIFE basically, step by step invest more energy into life = get more out of life.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Hey, good to see you back EscapeArtist! I'm glad to see that things are going well for you! Keep it up! I think I could follow in your footsteps a bit, you know!

 

[MikeyC]

Sounds fantastic, Escape. These are all small steps to take but hopefully they'll lead to bigger and better outcomes for you.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Yes exactly Mikey thanks

Good to be back Deadman!



I think I'm crossing a barrier with somebody that I haven't crossed in 6 years, I'm actually getting CLOSE to a friend and feeling comfortable being myself around somebody. It is the weirdest feeling, completely new feeling. The last time this has been able to happen is when I was 13 and had a really good best friend, before I was depressed, anxious, what not. It feels like discovering another level of connection, another 'realm' of people that I didn't even believe in anymore. Somehow acquaintance turned into good friend after we made an agreement to me more open with eachother about all things. Also, hanging out once and then hanging out again in 3 days (instead of waiting 1-3 months like I do, so that I don't get too close to somebody) helps. So I'm just now realizing that I purposely wait 1 month to hang out with somebody again just so that I don't have to get any closer with them. I had so much fear to see this person today because I had just seen them 3 days ago, and that's what the fear was, closeness. But it went away surprisingly quickly...

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Intimacy and closeness can be scary. But, it can be quite docile, you know. It's like some animals, like a whale (I guess). Don't be terrified of it, but do approach it with some hesitation. You're very vulnerable when you open yourself up to closeness. But, I'm not trying to dampen your mood. Congratulations on finding a good friend; they're hard to come by, you know!

 

[BlackPuma]

Your journal entries are always s good motivational read. And not only for the positive bits either. If anything, the contrasts between positive, negative and general themed entries makes it very relatable.

Which is fantastic considering how much chronic-complaining goes on here, seeing the flipside, (as well as the rimside,) of the coin they're so used to is a verbal experience that many need to hear/read to set off their own growth. Heck, even to me. When tunnel vision kicks in it's sometimes easy to forget that there's others that deal with it too, similar yet totally different. Every time I force myself sit down, find some center and read the experience of others (which is important), I am reminded and refreshed.

You probably experience it differently, but I can't help but read it as a adventure of growth, entertaining, inspirational and quite touching.

Thank you for sharing. ;3