Escape's Journal.
- Thread starter EscapeArtist
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Pacific_Loner
Pirate from the North Pole
Wow I can relate to that but I never really tried to put that into words. Very well said.
And good luck in Alabama Escape, it DOES sound awkward spending so much time with your dad's girlfriend but you sound like you found some really good solutions
vj288
not actually Fiona Apple
I wanted to reply to this but after trying to type it out a few times I don't think I can find the words. Knowing what defines what you are is a definitely something we need to know if we want a stronger sense of ourselves, without question. Thoughts, feelings, actions, words, how we come off to others, ourselves, our desires, our wants, our hopes and wishes, our mannerisms and idiosyncrasies, character traits and qualities, or other things completely could all be things that define us, I don't know. A level of mindfulness of things like this, and things in general would do a lot of good as well.
Spending time with your dad's girlfriend and her kids does sound nerve racking, good luck! Remember it won't be as bad as you think, it never is.
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
I feel like when I try to be authentic, I tend to show people my insecurities because they're the most personal. But honestly, I feel ashamed being so overly reactive, because I don't feel that's my true self. This journal doesn't feel like an accurate representation of me, it seems over dramatic. Anyways.
Life is going unusually well. I hooked a 1-day-a-week-job, and going to keep applying to another part time job that seems equally promising. The process of applying for this job and being out in a public, judgmental atmosphere inspired me to come back here, because I re-realized that I have social anxiety issues, still. My assistant boss is going to be a real anxiety problem, she is extremely bitchy and angry at every little mistake (leaving a door open, for instance, makes her hate somebody openly). They definitely noticed I was quiet today.
I actually met a person from POF. I'm not sure if she's interested in me, but she seems pretty eager to be my friend, which IMO is the only thing i'm ready for (why am I on POF? xP). We've met up and I think it went alright, despite me acting a little hesitant. Either way, she asked me to hang out again, so I feel like i'm going somewhere, somehow, by networking with people, especially people who are also gay and have similar opinions on the world. So that's real cool... I thought I totally ruined it honestly, but she kept talking to me every day after we met up, so that was touching. Helped my confidence. There are some people out there who really can see the good in others.
Trying to reconnect with old friends, and make new friends. I hung out with a new friend 2 days ago. It went alright, she's a real free spirit despite being pretty different from me / blunt. There's also an old friend from highschool who has contacted me lately, I feel like we could have a really deep friendship, so I'm happy with where I'm going.
Lastly, I'm testing Wellbutrin for some reason. No idea what it will do. We shall see, not jumping to conclusions. It does not make me more anxious, because I don't have intense physical anxiety (or any, really... Just mental) but I don't recommend for those that do!
Life is going unusually well. I hooked a 1-day-a-week-job, and going to keep applying to another part time job that seems equally promising. The process of applying for this job and being out in a public, judgmental atmosphere inspired me to come back here, because I re-realized that I have social anxiety issues, still. My assistant boss is going to be a real anxiety problem, she is extremely bitchy and angry at every little mistake (leaving a door open, for instance, makes her hate somebody openly). They definitely noticed I was quiet today.
I actually met a person from POF. I'm not sure if she's interested in me, but she seems pretty eager to be my friend, which IMO is the only thing i'm ready for (why am I on POF? xP). We've met up and I think it went alright, despite me acting a little hesitant. Either way, she asked me to hang out again, so I feel like i'm going somewhere, somehow, by networking with people, especially people who are also gay and have similar opinions on the world. So that's real cool... I thought I totally ruined it honestly, but she kept talking to me every day after we met up, so that was touching. Helped my confidence. There are some people out there who really can see the good in others.
Trying to reconnect with old friends, and make new friends. I hung out with a new friend 2 days ago. It went alright, she's a real free spirit despite being pretty different from me / blunt. There's also an old friend from highschool who has contacted me lately, I feel like we could have a really deep friendship, so I'm happy with where I'm going.
Lastly, I'm testing Wellbutrin for some reason. No idea what it will do. We shall see, not jumping to conclusions. It does not make me more anxious, because I don't have intense physical anxiety (or any, really... Just mental) but I don't recommend for those that do!
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
Yo, so I forgot this site existed! How odd. I definitely still have social anxiety and am an awkward person, but I almost forgot I consider myself socially anxious sometimes. Lately I've just been dealing with seeing my anxiety as a quirk, that some people will hate vehemently and some people will find dorky and likable (hopefully).
Been working full time at a gas station (i'm there alone to do everything), and it's been really difficult socially. When I'm anxious I become very absent minded, so I've made a lot of money mistakes that the boss has nearly fired me for. I don't expect to be there too long. When I finally thought I got the transaction stuff down, she said the bosses all had a meeting and reviewed the security tapes and decided I'm too shy. I need to practice being more comfortable with the customers. That was a real blow, because whereas all the other things they brought up to work on I knew I could fix immediately, that's one thing that will take more than years to overcome. I mean I'm still surprised I can even function having to talk to 100 strangers a day and be on the spot while there's a line up.
So I'm practicing doing that at work, basically the goal right now is just to say anything to them about their day or the weather or whatever else. Even if it seems dorky or out of place I guess it's better to say something than nothing just to practice being social. Some days what comes out of my mouth doesn't even make sense or I stutter and just cut off my sentence, and let them think that I'm a weird person. Don't really care though, because there are so many customers and I'm used to it now. Just hope I don't get fired.
Also I'm not sure who has this problem, but something socially overwhelming is that a guy who comes into the station regularly asked me out. I am so not good at throwing out the fact that I'm gay, and I'm also not good at remembering that, oh yeah, in straight life asking somebody out to the bar after work = a date. Woops. I saw it as a casual friend like scenario but now am realizing how i'm being misleading, so I went out with him and now am a little socially on edge because that whole being-gay-in-a-straight-world thing is hard to deal with when you're a person scared to throw personal information (or seeming rejection) into strangers lives. Ah well!
That's life right now. I always re-realize how socially anxious I am when I am put into the social world everyday all day. I didn't even realize how quietly, awkwardly I speak, and how I do sometimes stutter or sputter with my words. Hm! But it doesn't bother me too much, so that's all I care about right now..
Been working full time at a gas station (i'm there alone to do everything), and it's been really difficult socially. When I'm anxious I become very absent minded, so I've made a lot of money mistakes that the boss has nearly fired me for. I don't expect to be there too long. When I finally thought I got the transaction stuff down, she said the bosses all had a meeting and reviewed the security tapes and decided I'm too shy. I need to practice being more comfortable with the customers. That was a real blow, because whereas all the other things they brought up to work on I knew I could fix immediately, that's one thing that will take more than years to overcome. I mean I'm still surprised I can even function having to talk to 100 strangers a day and be on the spot while there's a line up.
So I'm practicing doing that at work, basically the goal right now is just to say anything to them about their day or the weather or whatever else. Even if it seems dorky or out of place I guess it's better to say something than nothing just to practice being social. Some days what comes out of my mouth doesn't even make sense or I stutter and just cut off my sentence, and let them think that I'm a weird person. Don't really care though, because there are so many customers and I'm used to it now. Just hope I don't get fired.
Also I'm not sure who has this problem, but something socially overwhelming is that a guy who comes into the station regularly asked me out. I am so not good at throwing out the fact that I'm gay, and I'm also not good at remembering that, oh yeah, in straight life asking somebody out to the bar after work = a date. Woops. I saw it as a casual friend like scenario but now am realizing how i'm being misleading, so I went out with him and now am a little socially on edge because that whole being-gay-in-a-straight-world thing is hard to deal with when you're a person scared to throw personal information (or seeming rejection) into strangers lives. Ah well!
That's life right now. I always re-realize how socially anxious I am when I am put into the social world everyday all day. I didn't even realize how quietly, awkwardly I speak, and how I do sometimes stutter or sputter with my words. Hm! But it doesn't bother me too much, so that's all I care about right now..
kihira
1
:thumbup: ...
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
I'm wondering, what the heck changed me so much that I don't feel anxious around people?
Don't get me wrong, I still don't think I'm attractive, I still want to lose weight so that I can feel confident enough in my body to start dating. But having a job where I interact daily with customers, some of them regulars who know my name and like/appreciate me, has made it so easy to view people as completely simple and not scary. I feel like I could approach and talk to anybody and not care how they react to me, just because I am faced with so many different people daily who may judge my awkwardness, or may find it endearing and provocative towards mild conversation. Either way I am proud that they can see how hard I am trying to make conversation at all...
Yes there is still something on my brain telling me to lose weight so I will have more confidence, but it's not the same neurotic voice that keeps me bound inside of my cozy cage of a room. It's a voice that knows how different life would be out in the world being comfortable in me, nurturing my body with regularity instead of deciding to hide in a comfortable destruction of it, such as binge eating basically, because I have to be out there anyways, and I know i'll make it happen one way or another, but it will increase my general comfort zone, seeing as I have no choice but to be out there day in and day out just to support myself. Anyways... This is where I am, I am comfortable in my job and find pride in it. Also, the other 2 new people that were hired the same time as me are being fired, and I am confident in my position simply because I'm the only one anxious enough to take seriously every responsibility I have working at this... gas station. Lol.
Don't get me wrong, I still don't think I'm attractive, I still want to lose weight so that I can feel confident enough in my body to start dating. But having a job where I interact daily with customers, some of them regulars who know my name and like/appreciate me, has made it so easy to view people as completely simple and not scary. I feel like I could approach and talk to anybody and not care how they react to me, just because I am faced with so many different people daily who may judge my awkwardness, or may find it endearing and provocative towards mild conversation. Either way I am proud that they can see how hard I am trying to make conversation at all...
Yes there is still something on my brain telling me to lose weight so I will have more confidence, but it's not the same neurotic voice that keeps me bound inside of my cozy cage of a room. It's a voice that knows how different life would be out in the world being comfortable in me, nurturing my body with regularity instead of deciding to hide in a comfortable destruction of it, such as binge eating basically, because I have to be out there anyways, and I know i'll make it happen one way or another, but it will increase my general comfort zone, seeing as I have no choice but to be out there day in and day out just to support myself. Anyways... This is where I am, I am comfortable in my job and find pride in it. Also, the other 2 new people that were hired the same time as me are being fired, and I am confident in my position simply because I'm the only one anxious enough to take seriously every responsibility I have working at this... gas station. Lol.
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MikeyC
Well-known member
I've seen your appearance and I beg to differ, but nothing I say will make much difference - you have to believe it.
That's good to hear you're feeling better around people. I hope this journey of confidence continues! :thumbup:
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
Loootss seems to have gone by, I've held a job since September and pretty much been solely absorbed in keeping it and doing well. Around late November, I felt like I couldn't keep the job for very long and I was going to end up very depressed because it took all my energy to keep and I would have to quit, so I started using kratom again. Now I'm in a different hole. I have to use kratom to get through work, because I've used it every day the last 2 months, and I have to use it to sleep the days off before work. When I don't take it, I feel this whole new wave of depression depth and anxiety. I actually had an anxiety attack at work where I cried in front of customers and coworkers, just because it was my first day off of kratom and that was the withdrawal. I tried getting off of it last week and it was miserable, kept getting sent home or having to go home, I had to reorder some to go to work the next day.
So basically now i'm addicted to a methadone/mild stimulant like drug that allows me to get through work, or work longer. When I'm not on it, I feel nearly suicidal simply because it's the withdrawal peering it's head. I also sleept 20-30 hours after a dose, like I just woke up from a 20 hour sleep. Also, this job doesn't really have the capacity for taking more than 3 days off at a time. It's easy enough to get off this stuff, you just need a good 2 weeks of doing nothing.
I was doing well and really happy to be able to hold a job, thought it was all sorted out, now I feel like something really important depends on quitting this job. I really miss being me with lots of emotions and times of feeling truly happy. I want to get off this thing but can't with the social pressures of work, and even though my family has no income except for me, I'm most likely putting in my 2 weeks notice today and going back to how I used to be (when I thought I was miserable, haha). Simply, direly, I want to get off this stuff and feel things again.
Posted here because I can't talk about this anywhere, hi spworld!
So basically now i'm addicted to a methadone/mild stimulant like drug that allows me to get through work, or work longer. When I'm not on it, I feel nearly suicidal simply because it's the withdrawal peering it's head. I also sleept 20-30 hours after a dose, like I just woke up from a 20 hour sleep. Also, this job doesn't really have the capacity for taking more than 3 days off at a time. It's easy enough to get off this stuff, you just need a good 2 weeks of doing nothing.
I was doing well and really happy to be able to hold a job, thought it was all sorted out, now I feel like something really important depends on quitting this job. I really miss being me with lots of emotions and times of feeling truly happy. I want to get off this thing but can't with the social pressures of work, and even though my family has no income except for me, I'm most likely putting in my 2 weeks notice today and going back to how I used to be (when I thought I was miserable, haha). Simply, direly, I want to get off this stuff and feel things again.
Posted here because I can't talk about this anywhere, hi spworld!
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
I had a full time job from Sep 2013 to March 2014, but quit becuase my always angry boss seemed like she was going to fire me one night and I wanted to quit before she did. Apparently, going back and talking to my coworker, she actually didn'nt have as much of a problem with me as other people working there. Anyway..
Working full time at a gas station, alone with customers who were all regulars, made me realize that I don't really have horrible social anxiety once I get accumstomed to a social atmosphere again. The first few months I was shy, and even my boss told me what I had to work on was that "I am too shy and uncomfortable with people". I put a lot of work into saying anything, even so cially awkward things, to almost every customer that came in until I was used to asking them all how they were. I actually became very talkative and got to know almost every regular by name, made a few good connections with people around town. One cool fed ex guy I always talked to elaborately even gave me books to keep when I left (animal farm and 1982 or w/e it is). I was very social and apparently very likeable, one person said there's no point in going to that gas station anymore when I told them I was leaving.
So after quitting I am sitting in my house 24 hours a day again, but I wouldn't say it's social anxiety. I know I can handle situations after a few days being out again. It's simply apathy from depression so not enjoying social contact, but WAY more so, it's computer addiction. Some of you have computer addiction from being socially anxious, and that's how mine began. But somehow I grew out of my social anxiety (also, worked on it extensively through introspection/diet), kept the computer habit, and now I am uncomfortable when not on the computer. I am on the computer literally 14 hours a day.
Can anybody relate to computer addiction?
I'm going to begin a morning routine and start small to do lists again to ease out.
Working full time at a gas station, alone with customers who were all regulars, made me realize that I don't really have horrible social anxiety once I get accumstomed to a social atmosphere again. The first few months I was shy, and even my boss told me what I had to work on was that "I am too shy and uncomfortable with people". I put a lot of work into saying anything, even so cially awkward things, to almost every customer that came in until I was used to asking them all how they were. I actually became very talkative and got to know almost every regular by name, made a few good connections with people around town. One cool fed ex guy I always talked to elaborately even gave me books to keep when I left (animal farm and 1982 or w/e it is). I was very social and apparently very likeable, one person said there's no point in going to that gas station anymore when I told them I was leaving.
So after quitting I am sitting in my house 24 hours a day again, but I wouldn't say it's social anxiety. I know I can handle situations after a few days being out again. It's simply apathy from depression so not enjoying social contact, but WAY more so, it's computer addiction. Some of you have computer addiction from being socially anxious, and that's how mine began. But somehow I grew out of my social anxiety (also, worked on it extensively through introspection/diet), kept the computer habit, and now I am uncomfortable when not on the computer. I am on the computer literally 14 hours a day.
Can anybody relate to computer addiction?
I'm going to begin a morning routine and start small to do lists again to ease out.
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
also i want to add, the more open you are about your problems the more you feel accepted simply from the fact that people can relate. I told my coworker about agorophobia, and she said she had it for 10 years, had to get her husband to get all the groceries within that time. I had a panic attack once and told a single customer while i was having it, and he struggles with panic attacks and is on an ssri for it. What are the chances. This is common stuff
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Aye, eh... :bigsmile: Ah can relate. Though, am hopeless addicted tae ma computer. So much so ah've got mine connect tae ma telly. Big mistake.
Though, ah mainly use it now for the on-demand TV services - since ah don't watch the TV channels much now, since there isn't much on. Plus watchin' stuff online in ma ain time is more convenient for me.
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Aye, ah agree wi' ye fur the most part aboot opening up more. It's just opening up aboot ma depression has proved difficult fur me. Since few folk actually want tae talk aboot it. :sad: Sorry, fur bein' a bit of a downer there. Just sayin'...