Depressed because you're single?

[Minty]

Sorry if I'm going back off topic, but I just want to say that I would have no problem with people making sweeping gender statements if they prefaced their claims with "Some women/men..." or "Many of the women/men I have met..." But to just say all women or all men are this this and this really hurts me. It just does. I have no control over it.

I know that some people are happy that their claims hurt me because they're in pain and they want to be understood, but...I already totally understand your pain without the remarks against my gender. Trust me. I do. I've never held hands with a boy or have had a decent conversation with one. I have never had a male friend, let alone boyfriend. They simply don't look at me no matter how much I go out and it's just...really sad. It's made me cry a lot over the years and I've experienced intense loneliness that just can't be described with words. No one should have to deal with being ignored that way. Ever. So...I do know. And I'm a woman. I don't need to be resented because I'm female on top of the fact that I'm completely ignored by the opposite sex.

I just wanted to say that.

We can all move on.

 

[Mickery]

One should take little stock in the opinions of those who do not recognize others.

On a lighter note, I immensely enjoy hearing from Kinetik and feathers especially. They always have something positive and inciteful to offer.

 

[Pookah]

Sorry if I'm going back off topic, but I just want to say that I would have no problem with people making sweeping gender statements if they prefaced their claims with "Some women/men..." or "Many of the women/men I have met..." But to just say all women or all men are this this and this really hurts me. It just does. I have no control over it.

I know that some people are happy that their claims hurt me because they're in pain and they want to be understood, but...I already totally understand your pain without the remarks against my gender. Trust me. I do. I've never held hands with a boy or have had a decent conversation with one. I have never had a male friend, let alone boyfriend. They simply don't look at me no matter how much I go out and it's just...really sad. It's made me cry a lot over the years and I've experienced intense loneliness that just can't be described with words. No one should have to deal with being ignored that way. Ever. So...I do know. And I'm a woman. I don't need to be resented because I'm female on top of the fact that I'm completely ignored by the opposite sex.

I just wanted to say that.

We can all move on.

I wish we still had rep so I could rep this, its such a good post. Could not have put it better. The pain felt is not restricted to one gender.

 

[userremoved]

I would say you ladies should explain it to them. Well of course you did just now, but in all honesty I didn't know myself until I talked to one that had no luck with men. Then I started to see a lot of things I didn't see before. For the most part, the argument that women don't have to do anything is based solely on the point that its generally not expected for women to actively pursue men. This however doesn't take into account that women still need the confidence to go to places, and act in a way that would attract men. AND then you gotta be able to flirt to keep it moving, something I'm sure some SA females lack. It also doesn't take into account that lots of men hold physical appearance in high regard which would probably discourage a woman that's not confident in how she looks. So yeah, you may not have to walk up hit on men, but when a woman gets herself dolled up and sits in a room full of guys, every man that doesn't talk to her is a silent rejection no one else gets to see. So if you're shy or awkward, man or woman, you're in for a rough time.

 

[Dead]

Yes.
One of the main causes of my depression.
Being single.
I know that there's really no reason considering I don't even have contact with people on the outside world- Seriously, I live out in the country with no way of getting into town.

 

[AGR]

Having a girlfriend/wife does not make you a better person, it's just a status symbol, it's kind of like a thing people use to try to prove that they are better than everyone.

I believe if I find the right girl and she accepts me,it will at least make me want to be a better person.

I think that you shouldn't try to find happiness through getting some woman you met off of the internet (or in a bar/resteraunt/park, or whatever).

Maybe the true key to happiness in within ourselves, not from the outside world.

Why not?
Happiness is not within ourselves,try to put someone in a confined space alone and without anything,if he is sane he will never be happy,people use stuff to be happy, relationships are some of those things.

does suggest that I do have to do something to get into the dating game... I just haven't figured out what that is yet.

I think its putting yourself out there,the rest would be the man's job.



Wow what this thread turned into,anyway as I said earlier women are very much like men,they like sex just as much,cheat just as much,are just as shallow, and etc
Anyway something that bothers me much are the traits that are being rewarded,both from men and women,what will be the future of humanity if this continues?

 

[fitftw]

when a woman gets herself dolled up and sits in a room full of guys, every man that doesn't talk to her is a silent rejection no one else gets to see. So if you're shy or awkward, man or woman, you're in for a rough time.

This makes sense, however why doll yourself up in hopes of getting men to talk to you? That would be like me going to the gym NOT FOR MYSELF, but for WOMEN. Sorry but I get in shape for me. I grow my sexy beard for ME. If a woman dolls herself up and cries when no guy talks to her, she's an idiot. And besides, I guarantee at least one unfit, dumbass guy is going to talk to her regardless. Every day.

 

[simpsons2007]

Yes and no. I was very depressed before I was single. But now being single for 4 months after being in a 12yr relationship where my ex cheated on me has thrown me into an even deeper depression.

 

[userremoved]

This makes sense, however why doll yourself up in hopes of getting men to talk to you? That would be like me going to the gym NOT FOR MYSELF, but for WOMEN. Sorry but I get in shape for me. I grow my sexy beard for ME. If a woman dolls herself up and cries when no guy talks to her, she's an idiot. And besides, I guarantee at least one unfit, dumbass guy is going to talk to her regardless. Every day.

How is that the same? I'm talking about dressing up before you hit the club and bar scene. Those are places they know men are gonna most likely approach them, as opposed to places like Walmart or the Dentist office.

And ok say one man does approach. What if that person is someone she couldn't bear to be with? I'm sure you wouldn't hook up with just any girl just because she asked you out. What if she was 300lbs and cross eyed? But hey she talked to you. Or on the flip side what if shes hot but you know for a fact that she's slept with and ungodly amount of dudes and may have given your wingman chlamydia? Its just that us guys rarely get asked out by women so those kinda situations rarely occur.

I'm not trying to argue or kiss anyones butt. But I do think it would benefit all of us to see things in a less angry and negative light. Besides I dont think we need to depress the females here anymore than they probably already are.

 

[Feathers]

Well said, Pips.

Abertos, I could detect some 'throwing all eggs into one basket' there too... it would be really MUCH easier to talk if you say 'some women' and 'some men' are this and that...

And rewarding what? Shallowness? Wasn't sure what was the point?
Some men get 'dolled up' too hehe... And some just like to make sure they look presentable etc.

Some women do say they want to 'look good for themselves'.. Unfortunately some of the biggest flirts have said that to me, who were deeply miserable if no one was around to ask them to dance or flirt with them, so I think it's only true to some degree...

I think it's both true: you want to look good for yourself and other people... Actually some people said that men are much less picky in regard to 'fashion' and such, and that often women 'dress to impress' other women.. dunno..

And yeah women come in all shapes and sizes.. Often 'the latest fashion' may emphasize just one bodytype as 'correct' and all those other women may be miserable... and may consider themselves unattractive if not in magazines etc. The magazines are not making it better, often.. 'Wear this and this to look better' or all the 'crap' they want to sell you etc. (fashion, cosmetics, potentially health-risky practices etc.)

Women/people can be in relationships and still depressed or having eating disorders etc.

Relationship is not a 'cure-all' that will magically cure all your troubles... Looking at it like that can get you in trouble... Your partner is not a superman rambo-therapist-computer guru-wikipedia-tech guy-car repairman-carpenter-spiderman that can magically make everything well in one person (unless you're really really lucky lol!! and even that may come with flaws!!), and women are probably not a combo of ALL your secret fantasies or what you ever wanted (except maybe some) haha Kinetik said it well, yeah...

It's good to start learning to 'not be depressed' when you're single already, so when you meet someone and you hit a problem, you'll know how to deal with it or have some ways to help them deal with it too.. many people may have depression or such at some point in their life, it's plain good to learn how to deal with it...

many people may also be single at some point in their life, so it's good to learn how to deal with it too...

 

[A friend]

Well said, Pips.

Abertos, I could detect some 'throwing all eggs into one basket' there too... it would be really MUCH easier to talk if you say 'some women' and 'some men' are this and that...

And rewarding what? Shallowness? Wasn't sure what was the point?
Some men get 'dolled up' too hehe... And some just like to make sure they look presentable etc.

Some women do say they want to 'look good for themselves'.. Unfortunately some of the biggest flirts have said that to me, who were deeply miserable if no one was around to ask them to dance or flirt with them, so I think it's only true to some degree...

I think it's both true: you want to look good for yourself and other people... Actually some people said that men are much less picky in regard to 'fashion' and such, and that often women 'dress to impress' other women.. dunno..

And yeah women come in all shapes and sizes.. Often 'the latest fashion' may emphasize just one bodytype as 'correct' and all those other women may be miserable... and may consider themselves unattractive if not in magazines etc. The magazines are not making it better, often.. 'Wear this and this to look better' or all the 'crap' they want to sell you etc. (fashion, cosmetics, potentially health-risky practices etc.)

Women/people can be in relationships and still depressed or having eating disorders etc.

Relationship is not a 'cure-all' that will magically cure all your troubles... Looking at it like that can get you in trouble... Your partner is not a superman rambo-therapist-computer guru-wikipedia-tech guy-car repairman-carpenter-spiderman that can magically make everything well in one person (unless you're really really lucky lol!! and even that may come with flaws!!), and women are probably not a combo of ALL your secret fantasies or what you ever wanted (except maybe some) haha Kinetik said it well, yeah...

It's good to start learning to 'not be depressed' when you're single already, so when you meet someone and you hit a problem, you'll know how to deal with it or have some ways to help them deal with it too.. many people may have depression or such at some point in their life, it's plain good to learn how to deal with it...

many people may also be single at some point in their life, so it's good to learn how to deal with it too...

That sounded kind of funny actually (the parts I put in the bold font).

Well, here's what I have to say:

If I were to ever get a girlfriend/wife, it would have nothing to do with solving my own personal problems.

I don't think adding someone in your life to solve your problems isn't that good of an idea (unless that person is a therapist).

 

[Kiwong]

I made a couple of posts on this thread the other night, but deleted them.

I really don't think a lot of women wait around. They are very active in showing their interest to potential partners. Most of it is in non verbal messages, and they are probably are frustrated that men are so slow to read them.

Trouble is for me, I don't get people at all, can't read non verbal messages, just communicating on a dialy basis is a huge minefield of potential misunderstanding. I don't get people, and it makes me unwell. I am lonely when I am around people, because I am unable to fit in.

The impression I get is that for most of my life women haven't been all that interested in me, and to add to that I haven't been actively out there showing an interest myself.

To be honest, I feel better without all of this to worry about. Much better than when I was out there looking in all the wrong places for love, and getting seriously hurt. My skin never was thick enough to keep trying at it. And there is no doubt that the hurt I felt in the romantic stakes, has contributied to my social anxiety.

The way I feel now is that if anyone showed a possible interest, I would feel very uncomfortable and anxious. Would I get hurt? Would I hurt someone esle? how long would it take them to notice my anxety? I am scared that they would find out my limitations as a person, and I have many, including a mental illness, and a reluctance and inability to openly show love.

And then I look at my life, and I see that I am enjoying the things I love to do so much, that perhaps the grass isn't greener, and that I don't need to fix was isn't broken. My thoughts are more my own when I don't think about romance.

 

[Feathers]

That sounded kind of funny actually (the parts I put in the bold font).

hehe yeah it was supposed to be kinda funny glad you don't expect miracles from girls!!

Well, here's what I have to say:

If I were to ever get a girlfriend/wife, it would have nothing to do with solving my own personal problems.

I don't think adding someone in your life to solve your problems isn't that good of an idea (unless that person is a therapist).

You mean you wouldn't expect your gf/partner/wife to solve all your problems?

Well, that's a good attitude.

If you do have problems in life, it's good to learn working on them too... And ideally she'd learn to work on her problems too, so when the two of you are together, it's not 'honeymoon' and then 'breakup' like many couples do today... Cause a marriage/relationship can bring a whole new set of possible problems or 'challeneges' too..
From aligning priorities and what needs to be done when etc.

It may be easier than in the family of origin in some regards, and in some regards it can be more difficult lol.. especially if the parents were maybe 'spoiling' you or her, or doing too many things...

There are some girls out there who don't know how to cook very simple meals or even make a sandwich?!! So some life skills like that are good for both guys and girls...

 

[Feathers]

I made a couple of posts on this thread the other night.

I really don't think a lot of women wait around. They are very active in showing their interest to potential partners. Most of it is in non verbal messages, and they are probably are frustrated that men are so slow to read them.

Kiwong, hm, some women DO wait around.. Especially maybe girls with sa or low self esteem, or those unable to read or give signals well too...

Some girls also maybe were brought up to be 'non-vain' or to not behave in shallow ways etc. Or they may be embarassed to show interest in guys etc. (It's actually a learnable skill ) And then you must also dare to show interest lol...

Some girls would be very happy to get married or find a good guy to be with, and maybe they just encounter materialistic shallow types or guys not 'right' for what they are looking for etc. Even some girls with really good character, okay-looking and good jobs and careers etc.

Trouble is for me, I don't get people at all, can't read non verbal messages, just communicating on a dialy basis is a huge minefield of potential misunderstanding. I don't get people, and it makes me unwell.

Yeah, that can be troubling.. There are some books and articles etc about non-verbal communication, I found some of them very helpful..
You know there are women out there quite confused about this all too, no?

The impression I get is that for most of my life women haven't been all that interested in me, and to add to that I've actively out there showing an interest myself.

To be honest, I feel better without all of this to worry about. Much better than when I was out there looking in all the wrong places for love, and getting seriously hurt. My skin never was thick enough to keep trying at it. And there is no doubt that the hurt I felt in the romantic stakes, has contributied to my social anxiety.

Well, I'm glad you find a way to be at peace with yourself and your life! You're an inspiration to us all that living single can be living an INTERESTING FUN life too!!

 

[Kiwong]

Yes, true Feathers. This forum has opened my eyes to the fears everyone faces, and that these fears can be very much individual, but there are also some commonalities regardless of gender.

The other night, I did disagree with the arguement that romance is somehow easier for women and all they have to do is wait around. I don't think it is easy for anyone and it is particularly hard for shy and sensitive people.

 

[A friend]

hehe yeah it was supposed to be kinda funny glad you don't expect miracles from girls!!

You mean you wouldn't expect your gf/partner/wife to solve all your problems?

Well, that's a good attitude.

Yes, yes indeed.

Coming late to catch up with the argument about love that was running over here so I'll just address "A friend in need" (wow, I didn't know spaces could be part of nicknames!) who I think was the most enthusiastic here though around the other side of the fence.

I seek positivity where it's easiest to find.

I kind of scanned the thread in a hurry and couldn't read it all,

...

::

but I think I was able to grasp the main point behind the fight against love as an acknowledged value by human beings.

A friend in need: the main problem in such discussions is that people sometimes lack understanding of important concepts of life so that they easily mistake drastically when disputing about them.

I can't prove my opinions to be facts, but I choose to believe in them despite all of this.

You may think of love as something fixed and constant and independent, that makes it difficult and confusing to have a clear judgment about its mysterious incidents in the human life.

Not to sound negative, but love can be a dangerous emotion that blinds people and ruins who they are and corrupts their personality and morality as well.

That's what I've observed in the past.

This is because love, like faith, like many other concepts, is a varying thing (and not fixed or constant or independent.)

In a more concise words: love is something you work on it yourself and build it up.

You're saying it can be controlled and modified at the will of people of experience it?

Naturally you wouldn't sweat on it because it grows by itself through the other part attributes you adore and feel that they make you complete. It could grow up or down though, and it could last long long time or die just away.

This is where you kind of confuse me, you said that it could be worked on and built up, but then you're saying right here that could grow up or down and then die instantly.

The key point here is that love is not the crush you have towards women, though that crush could build up to become a great love if you decided you would work on it.


In more other words, love is not something you find, it is something you create; in the right moment, and with the right person (and deciding who is the right person would be up to you.)

This is good information. If what you say here is true, then that proves that a possible source of depression can be subdued and restrained.

So you cannot argue that there is no true love out in the world; because it is true that there is no "fixed and constant and independent" true love out there!

Thank you for your words of wisdom, but my opinions on this topic will not be changed.

If being single is the key to happiness (for me), then I don't have to share my life with anyone (can't anyways). Sorry if I sound egotistical or self-centered right there.

Just remember that the difference between maturity and immaturity is none other than the ability to grasp what is "real" in life. You don't have to accept Disney's definition of human notions.. they call "real" life the "real life" because there has to be something real in there!

...

Uhh...okay?

BTW, the most concise definition I came across for Love is that: it is when you put someone else' happiness prior to yours.

Although I can place things or people prior to myself, how do I put someone's happiness prior to mine if they reject my input? How can people give something to someone if they push that person (and/or their gifts) away from themselves?

Pointless.

Think it is both elegant and comprehensive.

I don't know if I want to abadon my views on love, but when you see what you see (constant negativity in this subject in my case), and that thing is multiplied outside of your living situation, well...

I saw only one thing in the dating world, negativity. I saw no potential for anything good coming out of there, and I saw no benefits.

The way I saw it, regardless of who was doing the work/giving/etc, it only ended in heartbreak or suicide.

So this is one of many reasons why I choose to promote singularity, and frown upon dating and marriage.

And here's a little bit of facts about me and other people as well:

For those who have stress-built seizures, marriage and dating can result in potential health threats due to the constant arguing, as seizures weaken the body, damage the immune system, and gradually cause brain damage.

So that is one of the reasons why I promoted the elimination of dating and marriage. 70% of marriages end in divorce, and there is a very high chance that they were nothing but constant arguments and things of that nature.

Yep. I have abadoned the idea of trying to get a girlfriend/wife for my own physical safety.

 

[fitftw]

men and women are walking contradictions. Nobody ever knows what (or who) they want.

 

[A friend]

I know that I want to live my life without brain damage.

 

[doubleM]

ugh. after i see others' hate in this thread, including my own, when it boils down to it staying angry about something does you no good. in the end youre only hurting yourself. its like holding a hot coal in your hands intent on throwing at someone. hating all women in general will not help any of us.
im trying to get rid of my bitterness. its just with me i truly feel that my anger is justified. but holding on to it just makes you miserable. that is what makes me all mixed up.

so my question is what do you do with those feelings? are you supposed to ignore the fact that youre alone and people treat you like garbage?

 

[A friend]

Though it isn't good to be angry and hate, I believe venting is a good way to tone down those feelings and eventually rid yourself of them.

And one thing that everyone should remind themselves of is this:

Having a girlfriend/wife (boyfriend/husband for women) will not solve your problems.

I honestly don't know how to eliminate loneliness, but I know that dwelling on not having a "special someone" is not going to make things better.

The key to happiness is within one's self, not someone else.