Arohanui - Ake Ake KiaKaha's Journal

[KiaKaha]

Sculpting my life for others acceptance is my primary drive.

This is why I have to know.

I only feel OK if others think I am OK first.

This has a grip on me - and its embarrassing. One that is difficult to let go of.

If I feel rejection - I reject first - to maintain the upper hand.

It's a mere illustration of how weak I really am.

 

[MsBuzzkillington]

I dont know - maybe I am just soft. Maybe I just care about what other people think a little too much. I wish I could turn it off, but I cant.

Yep - I'm full of cants.

Its not necessarily about changing yourself - although sometimes that might be necessary - its about what it is that their problem is. Do you have any idea how often people look at me like I am the biggest loser they have ever seen? Thats right - they can get lost, I know that if someone is going to treat me that way they can get stuffed - but it also makes me feel paranoid and insecure, especially seeing as it happens over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Would that not strike some degree of curiosity as too why? I would like to know from an objective point of view how I come across - maybe I can change something about myself to appear more confident or attractive or whatever, or maybe it would just give me an excuse to tell them where to go.

How do you know FOR SURE that they are looking at you like you are a loser? Do you posses mind reading capabilities? Like is that a legit super power now?

I would imagine that with your extreme low self confidence you are only imagining these things.

 

[KiaKaha]

How do you know FOR SURE that they are looking at you like you are a loser? Do you posses mind reading capabilities? Like is that a legit super power now?

I would imagine that with your extreme low self confidence you are only imagining these things.

No I cant read minds - but like everyone else I have the capability of picking up on body language, behavior, tone of voice and other non verbal clues - likened to mind reading. Surely you must know when someone is showing contempt toward you?

I don't like it when people tell me I imagine this stuff - because I dont. But it is obvious that it has something to do with how I come across to others or how I am perceived - why I place so much importance on it is more of an issue than the fact itseldf Its something that I need to deal with somehow.

But no I dont like it when people look at me like I am the biggest piece of trash that they have ever seen, it happens a little too often - it hurts my feelings and makes me feel like there is something wrong with me.

 

[MsBuzzkillington]

No I cant read minds - but like everyone else I have the capability of picking up on body language, behavior, tone of voice and other non verbal clues - likened to mind reading. Surely you must know when someone is showing contempt toward you?

I don't like it when people tell me I imagine this stuff - because I dont. But it is obvious that it has something to do with how I come across to others or how I am perceived - why I place so much importance on it is more of an issue than the fact itseldf Its something that I need to deal with somehow.

But no I dont like it when people look at me like I am the biggest piece of trash that they have ever seen, it happens a little too often - it hurts my feelings and makes me feel like there is something wrong with me.

Well sorry if you don't like hearing it, but it is most likely what is going on. If you have a negative attitude or having a bad day or you are feeling bad about yourself you will see the negative in EVERYTHING. I know when someone is being a jerk to me, yeah, I know when someone isn't interested in chatting. But to know what someone is thinking when they simply look at me? Not likely. Whatever I think they are thinking when they look at me is in my head. Plain and simple.

Also, Tally you are OBSESSED with that physical trait and you are absolutely 150% convinced that other people think there is something wrong with it, even though absolutely no one thinks there is anything wrong with it. I can guarantee you imagined that tone of voice, you took what she said and warped it to fit your beliefs.

If someone is looking at you like there is something wrong with you. fck them. They don't know you and they don't deserve to know you. And you are better off without knowing them or giving a sht what they think about you. I know that I don't want anything to do with anyone who would simply hate me by looking at me in a public place. Like I said before, if someone does that... THEY have the problem. Not you.

 

[KiaKaha]

MsBuzz - its not that I have a problem with hearing it - I just think you are wrong.

I know what you are saying - you think that I see the world in a specific way, being Mr negative ned that I am, and that I am only seeing what I want to see because it fits and confirms into the way that I feel about myself. No. That's not it at all. I am aware that that can happen - and on a particularly bad day - I may be extra prickly and sensitive - but usually, on a normal day it happens when I am feeling fine.

I know that I cant read minds - I know that - I acknowledge that I cant be 100% sure of the actual dialogue thats going on inside ones mind - but its quite clear through various means, what they are thinking and in particular how they FEEL towards you - everybody picks up on social cues. It happens to me a lot - it bothers me and makes me feel bad about myself.

Its to do with the way I am coming across and how I am being seen through their eyes - do you have any idea how many times people have just seen me for the very first time and rolled their eyes *groan - rolls eyes*

But I will agree with you on one thing - yes it is THEIR problem, and no why would I want to associate with them to begin with - but that despite that reasonable assertion - I still care, it still stings - its still brings me down and I dont know how to NOT care.

 

[MsBuzzkillington]

I didn't want to mention what it was on the forum...

Sorry. Also if you quote me it will keep the text no matter what I change it to.

Even if I am wrong, what good is it doing you to believe that these people hate you? Why not just go with my way of thinking and think I am right? Why believe that they DO hate you?

 

[Shyangel]

I think your a great guy and it would be silly more anyone to hate you, Kia. Just so you know.

 

[KiaKaha]

Sorry. Also if you quote me it will keep the text no matter what I change it to.

Even if I am wrong, what good is it doing you to believe that these people hate you? Why not just go with my way of thinking and think I am right? Why believe that they DO hate you?

Look - I dont expect nor do I want people to tell me what I want to hear - I would prefer to be challenged, but sometimes I think people really miss the big picture.

I would love to think the same way that you do - I would love to let go and not worry about what people think of me, but I do. I cant help it. I dont know why it matters to me so much - it probably comes down low self esteem, lack of confidence and all that jazz... who knows. Obviously there are many people here on the forum who have a lot more resilience than I do.

I am pretty sure that most people here would be mildly offended and upset at the very least - with the sheer amount of contempt that comes my way. Its completely confusing how totally and utterly rude people can be with me sometimes. The looks I have gotten - and yes as trivial as it sounds... it hurts.

Most people have a natural charm and likeability, I have to work for it....and I usually lose. If someone could just be in my shoes for a day.

Anyway blah blah.

 

[KiaKaha]

I think your a great guy and it would be silly more anyone to hate you, Kia. Just so you know.

thanks

 

[MsBuzzkillington]

Look - I dont expect nor do I want people to tell me what I want to hear - I would prefer to be challenged, but sometimes I think people really miss the big picture.

I would love to think the same way that you do - I would love to let go and not worry about what people think of me, but I do. I cant help it. I dont know why it matters to me so much - it probably comes down low self esteem, lack of confidence and all that jazz... who knows. Obviously there are many people here on the forum who have a lot more resilience than I do.

I am pretty sure that most people here would be mildly offended and upset at the very least - with the sheer amount of contempt that comes my way. Its completely confusing how totally and utterly rude people can be with me sometimes. The looks I have gotten - and yes as trivial as it sounds... it hurts.

Most people have a natural charm and likeability, I have to work for it....and I usually lose. If someone could just be in my shoes for a day.

Anyway blah blah.

I never said that I don't care what people think about me.

I am saying that I don't think that the way you are feeling people are looking at you is entirely accurate. And I am not really sure why it would be wrong to decide to make the change in this thinking stance and take my side on it.

 

[How_slow_the_Wind]

Look - I dont expect nor do I want people to tell me what I want to hear - I would prefer to be challenged, but sometimes I think people really miss the big picture.

I would love to think the same way that you do - I would love to let go and not worry about what people think of me, but I do. I cant help it. I dont know why it matters to me so much - it probably comes down low self esteem, lack of confidence and all that jazz... who knows. Obviously there are many people here on the forum who have a lot more resilience than I do.

I am pretty sure that most people here would be mildly offended and upset at the very least - with the sheer amount of contempt that comes my way. Its completely confusing how totally and utterly rude people can be with me sometimes. The looks I have gotten - and yes as trivial as it sounds... it hurts.

Most people have a natural charm and likeability, I have to work for it....and I usually lose. If someone could just be in my shoes for a day.

Anyway blah blah.

I don't think you are being paranoid because I encounter the same thing. Throughout highschool, work and now university, people who are otherwise friendly and talkative to others don't grant me the same courtesy for whatever arbitrary reason. I think if people make a value judgment of you as a loser, they won't be nice because they know they can get away with it.

It's not even along the lines of "woe is me, why won't they be friends with me", I just don't won't to be seen in such a condesecending light.

 

[Srijita52]

I think your a great guy and it would be silly more anyone to hate you, Kia. Just so you know.

I agree

 

[1BlackSheep]

No I cant read minds - but like everyone else I have the capability of picking up on body language, behavior, tone of voice and other non verbal clues - likened to mind reading. Surely you must know when someone is showing contempt toward you?

I don't like it when people tell me I imagine this stuff - because I dont. But it is obvious that it has something to do with how I come across to others or how I am perceived - why I place so much importance on it is more of an issue than the fact itseldf Its something that I need to deal with somehow.

But no I dont like it when people look at me like I am the biggest piece of trash that they have ever seen, it happens a little too often - it hurts my feelings and makes me feel like there is something wrong with me.

I agree that you can tell when someone has a negative opinion about you by their body language, non-verbal cues, etc. If it really was "all in our head", wouldn't we feel this way about everyone we meet? I don't feel that everyone I interact with sees me in a negative light. I can tell the difference when someone has a negative or positive "vibe" towards me. It does hurt to be looked down on for no apparent reason, regardless of whether or not the person is someone I'd want to know. It's human nature!

 

[coyote]

Look - I dont expect nor do I want people to tell me what I want to hear - I would prefer to be challenged, but sometimes I think people really miss the big picture.

I would love to think the same way that you do - I would love to let go and not worry about what people think of me, but I do. I cant help it. I dont know why it matters to me so much - it probably comes down low self esteem, lack of confidence and all that jazz... who knows. Obviously there are many people here on the forum who have a lot more resilience than I do.

I am pretty sure that most people here would be mildly offended and upset at the very least - with the sheer amount of contempt that comes my way. Its completely confusing how totally and utterly rude people can be with me sometimes. The looks I have gotten - and yes as trivial as it sounds... it hurts.

Most people have a natural charm and likeability, I have to work for it....and I usually lose. If someone could just be in my shoes for a day.

Anyway blah blah.

what i think you're missing is the possibility that all the contempt and rudeness you believe you are experiencing is a product of your own mental efforts, and that by attempting to change your way of thinking, your experience might change, thus eliminating your misery in the first place

 

[KiaKaha]

So I have been pursuing a less forgiving forum than this one to observe the ugly nature of humanity. I find dating forums in particular to give quite an accurate peek inside the true nature of people.

I saw this little gem. One guy - was asking about how he could come across better to people. He stated where he was in his life, his interests, personality etc He also said that he was currently unemployed.

All this guy got was a barrage of insults and condemnation because of his lack of employment.

"Get a job loser" - this one was particularly thoughtful.
"Why would anyone date someone who is unemployed?"
"You shouldn't even be on here - you should be looking for work"
"You are a stain on society"

etc etc etc

I cant believe how unkind these people are. I have been doing some research on discrimination toward the unemployed. There is an increasing trend for employers to only employ people who are currently in work. I also overheard a conversation between a case manager and an unemployed man who has a criminal record - he said he has been looking for work but no one wants to take him on because of his criminal history. How is that fair?

I think people seem to have a knee jerk reaction toward people who are out of work. Sure there will always be people out there who game the system, but the majority of them dont - most people want good things for themselves, and to live a life with purpose. I also think employers are FAR TOO PICKY.

But despite all that - are comments like the ones above really necessary? A person isnt their job - its only a part of who they are. I think there is far too much discrimination toward people out of work. There is a stigma attached and I dont think its fair or necessary. Its funny how people will only empathize with those when they are put into a similar position - but once they are no longer in that position they are quick to judge and condemn others. Completely hypocritical.

That woman who called that guy a "loser" for not having a job - may one day find herself in a similar position - we will see how she likes it.

 

[MollyBeGood]

So I have been pursuing a less forgiving forum than this one to observe the ugly nature of humanity. I find dating forums in particular to give quite an accurate peek inside the true nature of people.

I saw this little gem. One guy - was asking about how he could come across better to people. He stated where he was in his life, his interests, personality etc He also said that he was currently unemployed.

All this guy got was a barrage of insults and condemnation because of his lack of employment.

"Get a job loser" - this one was particularly thoughtful.
"Why would anyone date someone who is unemployed?"
"You shouldn't even be on here - you should be looking for work"
"You are a stain on society"

etc etc etc

I cant believe how unkind these people are. I have been doing some research on discrimination toward the unemployed. There is an increasing trend for employers to only employ people who are currently in work. I also overheard a conversation between a case manager and an unemployed man who has a criminal record - he said he has been looking for work but no one wants to take him on because of his criminal history. How is that fair?

I think people seem to have a knee jerk reaction toward people who are out of work. Sure there will always be people out there who game the system, but the majority of them dont - most people want good things for themselves, and to live a life with purpose. I also think employers are FAR TOO PICKY.

But despite all that - are comments like the ones above really necessary? A person isnt their job - its only a part of who they are. I think there is far too much discrimination toward people out of work. There is a stigma attached and I dont think its fair or necessary. Its funny how people will only empathize with those when they are put into a similar position - but once they are no longer in that position they are quick to judge and condemn others. Completely hypocritical.

That woman who called that guy a "loser" for not having a job - may one day find herself in a similar position - we will see how she likes it.

I completely agree w/u.
people are small-minded hypocrites.

 

[MikeyC]

You're absolutely right, Kia. People who are out of work are unfairly treated and are stereotyped as lazy and cheating the system. It's not right.

I also agree that employers are far too picky...but there's a lot of people out of work and a lot of people who want one position, so they can afford to be. It's an unfortunate by-product of high unemployment.

 

[Srijita52]

So I have been pursuing a less forgiving forum than this one to observe the ugly nature of humanity. I find dating forums in particular to give quite an accurate peek inside the true nature of people.

I saw this little gem. One guy - was asking about how he could come across better to people. He stated where he was in his life, his interests, personality etc He also said that he was currently unemployed.

All this guy got was a barrage of insults and condemnation because of his lack of employment.

"Get a job loser" - this one was particularly thoughtful.
"Why would anyone date someone who is unemployed?"
"You shouldn't even be on here - you should be looking for work"
"You are a stain on society"

etc etc etc

I cant believe how unkind these people are. I have been doing some research on discrimination toward the unemployed. There is an increasing trend for employers to only employ people who are currently in work. I also overheard a conversation between a case manager and an unemployed man who has a criminal record - he said he has been looking for work but no one wants to take him on because of his criminal history. How is that fair?

I think people seem to have a knee jerk reaction toward people who are out of work. Sure there will always be people out there who game the system, but the majority of them dont - most people want good things for themselves, and to live a life with purpose. I also think employers are FAR TOO PICKY.

But despite all that - are comments like the ones above really necessary? A person isnt their job - its only a part of who they are. I think there is far too much discrimination toward people out of work. There is a stigma attached and I dont think its fair or necessary. Its funny how people will only empathize with those when they are put into a similar position - but once they are no longer in that position they are quick to judge and condemn others. Completely hypocritical.

That woman who called that guy a "loser" for not having a job - may one day find herself in a similar position - we will see how she likes it.

Wow she was being really cruel and rude.

 

[KiaKaha]

Wow she was being really cruel and rude.

Yes she was.

It's because people have the misguided belief that people who are not doing that well in life do so because they have put themselves there. Not to mention the underlying feeling of resentment that "good hard working people" have to pay taxes for them to "live off the state"

Perhaps in some cases this may be true - but not always. If all we are going to do is judge and have that kind of attitude toward others - how is anyone supposed to get ahead? Not only is it rude, but its simply incorrect.

 

[Srijita52]

Yes she was.

It's because people have the misguided belief that people who are not doing that well in life do so because they have put themselves there. Not to mention the underlying feeling of resentment that "good hard working people" have to pay taxes for them to "live off the state"

Perhaps in some cases this may be true - but not always. If all we are going to do is judge and have that kind of attitude toward others - how is anyone supposed to get ahead? Not only is it rude, but its simply incorrect.

I agree. I guess some people who have everything going on for them find it hard to put themselves in others shoes that are facing the opposite situations sometimes. They seem to think
that they're too lazy or unmotivated to improve.