Arohanui - Ake Ake KiaKaha's Journal

I do think you need to invest sometime in loving yourself. You probably will notice a vast difference in your judgment and what type of people you allow to enter your life.

Being yourself is important and so is taking care of your well-being. I’m sorry you feel bad, you do have enough positives to drain out those negatives.

People with low self esteem are usually nice people but they have a tendency to settle for what they think they deserve. I think you want a down to earth type person and because yourself worth is a bit on the low side anyone with a bit of confidence may seem arrogant to you. The kind of person who can value themselves is probably the person who can see the value in a nice guy.

KiaKaha said: ↑

Well - I just heard back from the girl I dated the other day (yes I am STILL going on about it) she sent me a nice long email about everything - and it just confirms to me yet again...

that women dont like nice guys - they like bastards.

I see it over and over and over again - its quite remarkable.

Sorry if that offends some of you - but what else am I supposed to think.

I am going to be a lot more harsh and impatient with people from now on. I mean...I will try. I am not sure if I have it in me to do so, and I probably cant afford to be anyway - but its not like I have loads of people wanting to be my friend anyway. Maybe I should become a bastard.... you know, dominate, put down, posses, interrupt, not listen - be blunt to the point of rudeness.

People seem to like that.Dominance - taking charge - in control thats what its all about. None of this ****ing sympathy crap.
Where as that ever gotten anyone? No where thats where.

Be who you want to be for yourself. Don't change to please others or to attract others, change for yourself in the first place, thats the most important. Cause lets face it, you're the only one living your life, so thats make sense. By being yourself people who genuinely like you will approach you. Don't change for others.. lots and lots of stress comes with it.

maybe it's not you at all

maybe you're just attracted to the wrong women

I am not angry at all - I'm just fed up. I am more unhappy than angry. You know I hate too generalize and I am smart enough not to do that. I am just confused and deflated. If you could see things through my eyes, if you had experienced the things that I have - you would understand.

One can only take so many negative experiences before they start to believe there is something wrong with them - isnt that where low self esteem comes from in the first place?

I have come to notice - and this may annoy some of you - that people dont seem to be particularly tolerant of ones short commings. Its like - you are percieved in a certain way and everything is fine.... and then people pick up on a couple of things that put them off - and that negates everything else, its those things that seem to matter.... not all the good stuff - its the undesirable things that make or break the decision. You know everyone wants absolute perfection - like a list of attributes that must be met....and if you dont cut it, then your out. Even job interviews are like that.

I dont have a whole list of criteria for letting people into my life - as long as your friendly and respectful then thats it - and it annoys me that people see that as "settling" - maybe I should have a long list and carry a clip board around and tick off boxes to make sure that people fit into my EXACT specifications of perfection.

I suspect every guy on this forum can relate to at least some of what I am saying.

I am beginning to view life as a CONSTANT battle to convince people... to win them over to your side. Nothing really seems to be about who you are, its more about how you are perceived. I go to job interviews - and I am trying to CONVINCE them to give me work. I go on a date and I am trying CONVINCE them to go out with me again....
Everywhere that there are people - is just a game of trying to win people over....and I keep losing.

anyway - oh well. Back to life.

No my apology. I was talking about the people you seem to go for; if they choose an abusive person over a nice guy they must not think too highly of themselves. They are choosing abusive people over you because of low self-esteem. My recommendation is to go for people that don’t feel so bad about themselves or at least not so bad that they would choose scum you may have better results or if you still want to date after all this get the people who see the good in you to choose for you. It may seem like you have and I can understand your frustration but you definitely haven’t tried everything.

You shouldn't really be trying to convince anyone of anything. You shouldn't be trying to impress the girl enough to get a second date or impress people enough to get them to want to be your friend. You shouldn't be trying to focus on what you can do to convince people to like you.

You just have to be you and if you love who you are and accept who you are, then others will start to take notice. There are people who are going to like you for who you are. When they do, they just will... there will be no convincing them of anything.

Well...if thats the way it is.... I'm pretty much ****ed I think.

If I took that approach - I would come across as indifferent, unanimated and boring. I could totally do the "I dont really give a crap" attitude - but it wont work for me - I cant pull it off... I am not COOL enough to pull it off and I cant afford to do it. I have to be the way that I am - because if I wasnt, then I would get even more overlooked that I already do. I gurantee it. No one is going to be proactive with me so *I* have make the effort - *I* have make the first move. People arent interested in other people.... I mean not really, thyre interested in making things better for themselves and staying comfortable...who gives a crap about some guy they barely know? If you want companionship then you have prove that your worth being someone around.

I have no idea....how to exist. Seriously.... I dont have a clue - nothing I do seems to work in my favour.

if what you're doing now isn't working, then what do you have to lose in trying something different?

Something I've learnt this last few years

The joy of life is in facing seemingly impossible difficulty and complication and winning through on the rare occasion depsite of it.

Life is a battle, then you die. But when you fight and win, even for a moment, it feels so much sweeter.

coyote said: ↑

if what you're doing now isn't working, then what do you have to lose in trying something different?

Yeah... the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results eh? Or so I have heard...

I have to remain true to myself. I dont think one can completely overhaul who they are entirely, the essence of who we are will always remain the same... but one can take a different approach. The way I see it is that I am not cool enough to take this nonchalant I don't give crap what YALL think of me... seriously... if you had met me you would realize how incredibly uncomfortable and awkward I really am. Perhaps if I had some social status, money, talent or power....then maybe I could pull it off.... but I am completely unremarkable.... I am about as low on the social ladder as one can get. I will get left behind and fall through the cracks if I took the approach as suggested.... I just know it, I can see it a mile away.

I have only two options - either remove all my desires - or proactively try (and subsequently be let down) - Everyone here seems to be so certain of their approach toward life - I haven't got a clue - I bumble though it becoming more and more dejected as time goes on.

KiaKaha said: ↑

I have come to notice - and this may annoy some of you - that people dont seem to be particularly tolerant of ones short commings. Its like - you are percieved in a certain way and everything is fine.... and then people pick up on a couple of things that put them off - and that negates everything else, its those things that seem to matter.... not all the good stuff - its the undesirable things that make or break the decision. You know everyone wants absolute perfection - like a list of attributes that must be met....and if you dont cut it, then your out. Even job interviews are like that.

Ahhh, you make a good point!

Many people often like to say "Focus on the things you like about yourself [whether it's your appearance, personality, etc.] and work on or accept the negatives." But it doesn't seem to work that way in real life, does it? Like you said, an employer could be going down a list of attributes at a job interview and see great things, but then realize you are very timid. They can't have that at their job, they need a PEOPLE PERSON, DAMMIT! Tsk tsk. Shame on your for being introverted, that is a grave and unforgivable, shameful sin.

Seriously. Let's get real, folks - the world wants perfection. They want all positives and no negatives. So you have a pretty face but no chest? Nope, pass (totally not slamming women with small breasts by the way, I don't think there's anything wrong with it - plus some guys like small breasts - but this seems to be the way MANY operate). You're super handsome and have a great job - but you're short? Oh no. Or maybe you're tall and rugged but work at McDonald's. Uh oh.

Haha, okay maybe that was a really bad set of analogies. Sorry. But still, there's a point in there somewhere 😛

KiaKaha said: ↑

I have only two options - either remove all my desires - or proactively try (and subsequently be let down) - Everyone here seems to be so certain of their approach toward life - I haven't got a clue - I bumble though it becoming more and more dejected as time goes on.

You sound like me...

And no, I am certainly not certain of my approach to life. I'm still struggling with how to come to terms with certain physical features I have. I don't know what my expectations are supposed to be now, I don't know what I should pursue and what I should give up. I can't want what I wanted before because I see the truth of what I am now and I can't just be like other people. That's how I feel anyway. I realize that's all very cryptic, so I apologize, haha.

Tally_Lyra said: ↑

Many people often like to say "Focus on the things you like about yourself [whether it's your appearance, personality, etc.] and work on or accept the negatives." But it doesn't seem to work that way in real life, does it? Like you said, an employer could be going down a list of attributes at a job interview and see great things, but then realize you are very timid. They can't have that at their job, they need a PEOPLE PERSON, DAMMIT! Tsk tsk. Shame on your for being introverted, that is a grave and unforgivable, shameful sin.

Seriously. Let's get real, folks - the world wants perfection. They want all positives and no negatives. So you have a pretty face but no chest? Nope, pass (totally not slamming women with small breasts by the way, I don't think there's anything wrong with it - plus some guys like small breasts - but this seems to be the way MANY operate). You're super handsome and have a great job - but you're short? Oh no. Or maybe you're tall and rugged but work at McDonald's. Uh oh.

Looking for work is too demanding for me, and I can agree to all of this.

EDIT: Maybe companies aren't that strict, but they're certainly looking for a too-specific person sometimes.

KiaKaha said: ↑

Yeah... the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results eh? Or so I have heard...

I have to remain true to myself. I dont think one can completely overhaul who they are entirely, the essence of who we are will always remain the same... but one can take a different approach. The way I see it is that I am not cool enough to take this nonchalant I don't give crap what YALL think of me... seriously... if you had met me you would realize how incredibly uncomfortable and awkward I really am. Perhaps if I had some social status, money, talent or power....then maybe I could pull it off.... but I am completely unremarkable.... I am about as low on the social ladder as one can get. I will get left behind and fall through the cracks if I took the approach as suggested.... I just know it, I can see it a mile away.

I have only two options - either remove all my desires - or proactively try (and subsequently be let down) - Everyone here seems to be so certain of their approach toward life - I haven't got a clue - I bumble though it becoming more and more dejected as time goes on.

I think people are just trying to remain positive, but are otherwise exactly like you in regard to how their life has gone. At least I feel exactly like you. Maybe at least some of the time I might be more positive then you, but then I can be just as negative. You however have had the opportunity to date unlike me so at least you are not a complete failure.

Tally_Lyra said: ↑

Ahhh, you make a good point!

Many people often like to say "Focus on the things you like about yourself [whether it's your appearance, personality, etc.] and work on or accept the negatives." But it doesn't seem to work that way in real life, does it? Like you said, an employer could be going down a list of attributes at a job interview and see great things, but then realize you are very timid. They can't have that at their job, they need a PEOPLE PERSON, DAMMIT! Tsk tsk. Shame on your for being introverted, that is a grave and unforgivable, shameful sin.

Seriously. Let's get real, folks - the world wants perfection. They want all positives and no negatives. So you have a pretty face but no chest? Nope, pass (totally not slamming women with small breasts by the way, I don't think there's anything wrong with it - plus some guys like small breasts - but this seems to be the way MANY operate). You're super handsome and have a great job - but you're short? Oh no. Or maybe you're tall and rugged but work at McDonald's. Uh oh.

Haha, okay maybe that was a really bad set of analogies. Sorry. But still, there's a point in there somewhere 😛

yes YES YESSSS....!!!

*smokes cigarette*

Thats what I feel too. Its amazing how quickly people will dismiss you if you dont meet their standards - and I see it illustrated when people begin to get to know you.... if you pass the "I dont know you but I am going judge you on your appearance" test - you have a fresh start - a clean slate so to speak....

But then it begins - sure.... you get to know each other, you laugh, you play you banter...you get to KNOW each other...over time.... you think...hey this guys alright....

but then the black cloud looms....

You say something wrong, you crack a joke that isnt funny, you misunderstand something, you forget something - they begin to realize that you lack confidence....

and the clipboard comes out...

"Hmmmm.... maybe you werent the person I first thought you were.... you have all these great qualities but I have my marker out and I am going to cross off the strikes until you are no longer good enough....and now I am going to remain VIGILANT... I am going to watch you like a hawk waiting for you to screw up"

From here its the beginning of the end.... everything you say will just confirm what they already suspect, slowly turning them away...until the end result...is failure.

This could either take a couple of months....or 30 minutes.

See....it doesnt matter who you are, what your intentions are, how capable you are.... the only thing that matters is how you are perceived. The only thing that people notice is not all these wonderful traits that you posses, but what you dont. Its all to with impressions.


You capable at a job but too quiet? Your out. Ruggedly good looking but work as a street sweeper? Game over buddy. Super great guy but lack confidence? Nup... no way jose. 100% perfections...always. Thats what its all about...never falter, never be weak, never get it wrong. You MUST be perfect...there is NO compromise.

Because if you show any of this, you're just not good enough....

Well, to be honest I know plenty of seemingly imperfect people who have lots of friends and are well-liked. I can't figure out what it is, but I honestly think these people possess SOMETHING - perhaps an aura, an energy, a manner - that I do not possess. I know not particularly aggressive or outgoing people who are like this. I know average-looking people or even somewhat unattractive people like this.

But then, perhaps I am just perceiving they are popular, maybe they go home at night miserable and feeling alone. Who knows.

I do know, this, though - I have said time and time again, "There is something these people have - most people, I mean, "normal" people - that I do not possess. Something invisible and mysterious and magical. And I was born without it.

I am probably just being silly, but it sure feels that way.

I no doubt am just trying to rationalize why I perceive why I am not good enough.

But it was sure as hell fun to write out.

Tally_Lyra said: ↑

Seriously. Let's get real, folks - the world wants perfection.

Surely not, the world is a dystopia not a utopia.

The world of people might desire perfection but it always fails

KiaKaha said: ↑

I no doubt am just trying to rationalize why I perceive why I am not good enough.

But it was sure as hell fun to write out.

Yep, sounds just like the stuff I used to write about ten years ago. A runaway train of fearful, worrying, angry thoughts. Well something gave in the end, a nervous breakdown. That gave something else to think and write about.