Arohanui - Ake Ake KiaKaha's Journal

[KiaKaha]

I know right? Where the hell do I get off doing something like this? The nerve of some people...self indulgent nonsense is what this is.

Well you know, I have far too much inside of me to NOT do a Journal - I have far too many thoughts and questions that I need to express, so seeing as I have been here for a while, I thought I would indulge myself. I dont expect anyone to read this, nor do I expect any responses - this is merely a way to make sense of the things that I think about. It also gives other people here an opportunity to ignore me if they are so inclined.

Y'see... My mind is often very clouded....and I dont articulate very well in person - the only time I can truly be myself is through the written word. I hope not to make this a diary about the daily events of my life, thats terribly boring.... more about how I percieve the world - and why things dont make any sense to me.... why I am so unsatisfied with why things are the way that they are....and why I feel I deserve to be cynical about it all. A chance to express the theories and conclusions I come to about the world....whether they are correct or not (and I dont know if they are - this is half my problem)

I imagine there is going to be a lot of complaining... I like to complain... never really been a 'for' kind of guy.... more of an 'against' type. Half glass empty...that sorta thing.

Anyway - for those who dont know - Arohanui is a Maori phrase meaning much love. It is a sentiment of encouragement and strength - it is my message to all of you - to tell you that even if you feel alone, even if you feel no one cares or understands - or that you have been treated unfailry - that there is always going to be somone on your side - and that by the sheer fact of your own humanity - you have worth.

Anyway sorry to put you all through this - browsers back button is on the top left of the screen ;-)

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

haha
You're so silly, Kia. Please, write all you want!
Perhaps you'll feel a bit better after getting things out of your head and onto the screen?

Good luck. Arohanui!

 

[Aletheia]

aka

*starts*

Wow. I use Arohanui as a screen/username over most of the web; this is one of the very few places I don't. I started using it when I was living in California some 15 years ago, partly because I love the concept and partly because a Maori term had a good chance of being unique within unqualified namespaces.

I'm so identified with it by now that I essentially think of it as my name (cultural appropriation notwithstanding) and it weirds me out whenever I see it in other contexts. I'm going to get surprised by it every time I see this journal.

Anyways...

... now back to our scheduled programming...

 

[KiaKaha]

^^ Aw... I didnt mean to steal any thunder. I was going to use Manuhiri or Tautangata (outsider) - as an implication to how I feel most of the time, but I figured - perhaps a positive spin sounds better....especially for a title, and its probably easier to say too. Maori words do have a tendency to not be taken up already as namespaces.

Hmmm - it would seem the northern hemisphere must be asleep...

 

[MikeyC]

My mind is often very clouded....and I dont articulate very well in person - the only time I can truly be myself is through the written word.

Ah, that's unfortunate. We could have a big ol' discussion about everything on your mind. For now, though, I'm glad you've got a journal. Get all your thoughts out on the screen.

 

[this_portrait]

Anyway - for those who dont know - Arohanui is a Maori phrase meaning much love. It is a sentiment of encouragement and strength - it is my message to all of you - to tell you that even if you feel alone, even if you feel no one cares or understands - or that you have been treated unfailry - that there is always going to be somone on your side - and that by the sheer fact of your own humanity - you have worth.

This made me smile.

 

[twiggle]

Nice to see you've started this, Kia.

I look forward to reading in future

 

[Feathers]

Woo!! KiaKaha has own journal!! Glad to see it!!

Beautiful story about the title and the Maori words - I'll be happy to read it!!

 

[KiaKaha]

So I figured I would make a post - seeing as I am hogging an entire thread I may as well use it eh?
I actually have quite a few thoughts swimming around my head at the moment, but I am going to keep this relatively short because I am feeling quite tired and all I want to right now is just snuggle up in bed and read a book. As I mentioned before, I just started a new job installing thermal insulation in homes - this requires getting into small crawl spaces in houses and manual installing fibre glass insulation - its dirty hard work.

The thing that I want to mention though is not the job - its about the 'new guy' syndrome - now I know its all a bit early, but I notice it all the time, and I dont get it at all - why is there this inessant need to make people feel unwelcome in an unknown situation. I mean - why? Dont people realize that they were in the same position once too before? Is it some kind of rite of passage? Because to be honest... if I was in some kind of position to make one feel welcome...then I would. I certainly wouldnt ignore and be disinterested. I would at least try to make some kind of conversation.... why? because its the nice thing to do.

Do people not understand that no one likes the feeling of being left out but are so quick to do so themselves?

I realize no one is obligated to extend a gesture of friendly courtesy toward me (I realized this a long time ago) - no one is obligated to do anything for me. I realize...that it may be about them more than me. I am just never ceased to be amazed at how quickly people can size you up - and why being the 'new guy' is such an exasperating and painful experience.

I never fit in. I never do... I feel it all the time. Where ever I go, no matter who is around me - I can sense the way people feel about me. I can tell that they would rather be associating with someone else because they cant see in me, some part of themselves.

It furstrates me that I am always willing to be friendly and to try and make people feel welcome, but it feels like this behaviour or belief is not something that most people seem to agree with.

I am too gentle. I am not a manly man - I am soft.

 

[KiaKaha]

Interesting - the training institute that has costed my study allowance incentive - and managed to make multiple errors regarding my past entitlement (which I now have to pay back) - are going bust.

I am not surprised. I feel sorry for some of the staff there, but its a bit of a have. Wasted so much of my time these last few years. I should have just gone stratight to university.

Computer training school broke | Stuff.co.nz

 

[MikeyC]

I don't know why the new guy always has to get thrown in the deep end that way, but hopefully it'll pass very, very quickly and you don't have to go through it too much. It's like that in a lot of work places. Thankfully I never went through it.

 

[KiaKaha]

I just dont find the majority of people to be particularly friendly. Maybe I am expecting too much or misinterpreting it. I dont know - I am no doubt wrong about it all probably.

Anyway - cheers for the response Mikey.

 

[MikeyC]

I just dont find the majority of people to be particularly friendly. Maybe I am expecting too much or misinterpreting it. I dont know - I am no doubt wrong about it all probably.

Anyway - cheers for the response Mikey.

It's day 1 and you were all probably busy. Give it time and people will warm up to you.

At my morning shift, we got a new worker. I thought he was rude and arrogant and I really didn't want to talk to him at all. He seriously rubbed me the wrong way. After a little while I got to know more and more of him and I have grown to like him. He's a bit of a character but I misinterpreted him early. Just saying that maybe your co-workers will warm to you over time and vice versa.

 

[KiaKaha]

Yeah I know - I think my shyness is very one sided sometimes. Its hard to convince myself that my suspicions are not necessarily fact. Its really....really hard.

 

[1BlackSheep]

Just doing a quick drive-by to say congrats on the new job! I like your new name and avatar too! That sad Eyore always made me want to cry!!!

 

[MikeyC]

^ Haven't seen you in ages, BlackSheep! Hope you're well.

 

[Feathers]

Hey Kia!

Great to hear you started a new job & that the people who messed up your fees got under scrutiny!!
That article says for students to contact them - maybe you can do that and get your story out & maybe get help?? (I'd probably want to talk anonymously tho- if it's possible?) Others may be in the same or worse position too, so maybe there could be legal help for all of you??

That job seems quite, hmph... Do you wear a mask and have adequate protection??
Some building workers were 'too macho' to wear protection (or the company was too cheap to provide it) and later had big health risks... So I hope you're taking care!!

Other people working there may be a bit 'macho' or may think if you've been a student/more intellectual they may worry you might have yourself for 'something more' (?) or you just might need to prove yourself with work etc? Or like Mikey says... It's normal this can take time...

Some workers even teased newcomers by sending them for unexisting equipment or such... It can be silly but possibly they were so bored by the work or what??

Maybe just focus on doing the job well (and look for better opportunities alongside it, if you can find anything?) and they'll accept you in time!! (If you'll still stay there - some older guys can also be intimidated by younger blokes, afraid you might take over their jobs or become their boss or something??)

 

[KiaKaha]

^^^
Hey 1blacksheep - if you ever see this I hope you are doing well - thoughts are always with my friends - past and present.

Also thanks Feathers for your reply,

Yeah, I do get all the equipment that I need - the money is pretty good, but its not something I intend on doing for a long time, just enough to pay off some bills and save up a little money. I am more focused on studying to where I want to be.

Anyway - I am going to leave SPW for a while. I need time out. I keep trying to get away, but it lures me back, mostly because of my lack of real life socialization, and because it enables me to vent and express myself, which I feel I cannot do in the real world.

I have been feeling quite unimportant, confused and unappreciated lately. I get the feeling, that I am quite bland and uninteresting... I just get the feeling that people see me as a bit of a joke, and I need to avoid feeling like that because I can feel it in myself that I am just going to get more and more wound up as time goes on.

I am lonely. I guess I just want to be noticed - and appreciated for all the work, good things, and the good intentions that I try and do - but because of my lack of charm, status, charisma, mystique, lack of popularity and other similar attributes I dont think anyone really cares.... I think people, just dont really see anything particularly viable within me to bother with... merely undesirable. There is always...always someone better.

I simply dont believe anyone really likes or cares about me....and if they do, its short lived - that is, until they get to know me... then I am just thrown away until something else more inticing comes along. I just wish someone could see in me, how much I really have to offer.

Even right now, as I type - I feel like a total idiot, I imagining that people all over the world who have bothered to read this far is thinking "this guy is total idiot - he has no idea about anything" or "get over yourself"

I mean... I have never been one to look on the bright side, I know this - perhaps that is my problem, too much negativity, but you see I dont see it as a problem, I think I have a reasonably good sense of the world, I just dont delude myself with positivity or living in a bubble because its safe and comfortable. I think sometimes it *is* other peoples fault, and that the repression of sadness or anger is not healthy. No one would ever say that about joy or happiness.

I dont seem to be able to agree with how anything is - and I know that this is my own problem and that there is nothing I can do about it.

So anyway - I just need some distance. I need to be more selfish, more uncaring and to conform - to play the game to fit in, and not cause a fuss. To let the man grab me by the shoulders and give me what for.

I am going to leave for a while, sort my life out. Get some money, get laid - and generally be indifferent about other people - because look how far caring has gotten me so far....

at least for a while.

:'-(

 

[MikeyC]

Again, do what you need to do, mate, but I don't think anyone sees you as a joke.

I'm still coming round to see you, by the way!

 

[KiaKaha]

Again, do what you need to do, mate, but I don't think anyone sees you as a joke.

I'm still coming round to see you, by the way!

Yeah... I can feel it. I can compare it - I see the way people react to me, and how they react to others and its not the same.... its hard to explain. That whole wall of text is just.... the equivalent of white noise.


I got it sorted. Stay in touch and I will hold you up for at least one night.