Are you ready for a relationship?

[Sinopia]

I'm not and I thought I was after so many years, but still I'm not ready for it. I discovered this this week. I'm 26 now, never been in a relationship. I had only a few dates in the past. The guy who loves me and wanted to be with me told me that I'm emotionally too unstable to be with someone. He told me that for now I just should accept the way how it is for me. I'm meant to be alone. I failed to become a girlfriend, lover and a mother. I'm always attracted to a s s h o l e s, cuz I have a low self-esteem which makes me think that I'm only good enough for an a s s h o l e, cuz I think I don't deserve better. And this way it'll never work for me. The guy who loves me, is afraid that I'll eventually end up with an a s s h o l e, who will beat me for a few years. He does wants me to have a boyfriend and be happy with him, but he also said that it's better to stay alone, just to protect myself. My friend agrees with him, cuz I'm so unexperienced. My social contacts are still growing, but for a relationship you need to have more, besides just social contacts. It just won't work if you're unexperienced. I hate the fact that they're right. A few years ago, I didn't even want to get close to ppl. I was even afraid to make friends, cuz I've been bullied in my secondary school. It was 12 years ago already, but it took me years to trust ppl again and be ready to make friends again. Since a few years ago, I became friends with a girl from the fitness centre and since this year, I have some friends/acquintances from my previous job. I'm happy with this, but I need more. I never experienced real love or puppy love. I don't even know what to expect from a relationship, cuz I've never seen how it should be. I'm just afraid that I will be single forever. I just need someone. I feel lonely in the evening, night and weekends. I need a guy to share stuff with. I might sound desperate, but I just don't wanna end up alone. I don't even wanna think about being an old lonely lady in an old ppl's home without children and grandchildren. Nobody who will visit me. I'm used to it, but it's ****ed up.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Wow, what he said was unnecessary. Even if you aren't ready for a relationship now, that doesn't mean that you'll never be ready, which is what, to me, he seems to be implying. If you don't think you're ready, then step back and work on yourself. When you feel that you're ready, then step back in. The only person who knows you enough to decide whether or not you're ready for a relationship is you.

Seeking company is normal; no one wants to be lonely. But, well, you've got to go out there and find that guy that you can share stuff with. It's kinda embarrassing for me to say this (because I'm really horrible with expressing my emotions and showing kindness:, but I'm usually on here, so, you can speak to me or to anyone else on here. We're all a family here, so no one gets left behind.

 

[Thelema]

You don't have to be perfect to be in a relationship with someone. You're just reinforcing the idea that you aren't good enough.

 

[O'Killian]

Regardless of what he said or its veracity, the only way you'll gain experience is to try. If you think you're prone to allowing an abusive relationship to continue, perhaps you should do as Deadman says - take a while to work out your issues. Continue making friends. If you're lucky, maybe one of them will be a good guy, and at least if you have friends who care about you, they should help you keep a check on whether or not a future relationship is bad for you.

All you can do is keep on trying. Don't let perfect be the enemy of good.

 

[MikeyC]

As has been mentioned, the only way you'll be ready is with practice. Going on more dates will get you ready for more long-term boyfriends in the future - ones that won't "beat you up," which is a thing that should never, ever happen. Good luck.

 

[Srijita52]

I agree with others, the only way to be less unexperienced is to gain experience. I also agree with Deadman, if you feel you're not ready yet, take a while to work on yourself and try again when you feel ready. Good luck.

 

[alak]

You should try online dating sites. You can just chat about whatever and get past the awkward phase until you're ready to meet in person. It's easier to screen people online too (and simply don't talk to or meet the a**holes).

It worked for me at least. My boyfriend still loves me even if I'm super shy and anxious around other people. Surprisingly I opened up to him really quickly when we first met. That's rare for me.

 

[Meggy0001]

To gain experience you must first try. If you feel you are not ready then you aren't, give it time and wait till you feel you are ready for it. Of course you will get hurt in a relationship there is no way of avoiding it, to find the right guy you want to be with then you must go through some heart aches to get to that point.

 

[MrJones]

No, I'm simply not. I am too depressed, and I would be just a burden for a girl.
I'm always feeling suicidal and I don't want to make anyone feel bad in case I die, and I already have my close family, I just shouldn't be part of anyone's life.

 

[MrSunday]

I never want to be in a relationship. It's makes me sick. Hope I did not offend anyone. Just being honest.

 

[Gaucho]

no. i can't imagine a girl would see me as a attractive male.

 

[Graeme1988]

I never want to be in a relationship. It's makes me sick. Hope I did not offend anyone. Just being honest.

no. i can't imagine a girl would see me as a attractive male.

^This, depressingly. Also I think I'm not mature enough for a relationship, too needy. I can't even comprehend a woman finding me f***able. And this is coming from a guy who'd have girls blantantly flirt with me during high school. Sorry to put it so bluntly.

 

[Remus]

Hmmm He's using emotional manipulation Sinopia, have a damn good read of this thread:

http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/emotional-manipulation-38129/

 

[dragonoth]

I think you're asking the wrong question here. In my own experience and in others' that I know, you don't think about it and see what comes your way. If an opportunity presents itself (e.g. you develop feelings for someone or a friend seems to want to take things further) you either go for it or you let it pass. The relationship itself is a huge learning process for both parties. No couple is ever 'ready' in a relationship. That just implies that you have to be a certain way in order to be in one. You don't. I've had so many ups and downs in my relationship with my current boyfriend. We are each other's firsts. Most of our problems are usually started by me but the important thing is that you work together to sort the mess out. Some people can only take so much and they give up, but remember it takes two to tango, i.e. if you're the one with problems you need to help yourself too and you don't rely solely on your other half to fix things. It takes effort and it takes time, but in the end it will be worth it.

 

[Kiwong]

I don't see the need for one. A relationship is not what I need to fix me.

 

[shyness123]

I'm not and I thought I was after so many years, but still I'm not ready for it. I discovered this this week. I'm 26 now, never been in a relationship. I had only a few dates in the past. The guy who loves me and wanted to be with me told me that I'm emotionally too unstable to be with someone. He told me that for now I just should accept the way how it is for me. I'm meant to be alone. I failed to become a girlfriend, lover and a mother. I'm always attracted to a s s h o l e s, cuz I have a low self-esteem which makes me think that I'm only good enough for an a s s h o l e, cuz I think I don't deserve better. And this way it'll never work for me. The guy who loves me, is afraid that I'll eventually end up with an a s s h o l e, who will beat me for a few years. He does wants me to have a boyfriend and be happy with him, but he also said that it's better to stay alone, just to protect myself. My friend agrees with him, cuz I'm so unexperienced. My social contacts are still growing, but for a relationship you need to have more, besides just social contacts. It just won't work if you're unexperienced. I hate the fact that they're right. A few years ago, I didn't even want to get close to ppl. I was even afraid to make friends, cuz I've been bullied in my secondary school. It was 12 years ago already, but it took me years to trust ppl again and be ready to make friends again. Since a few years ago, I became friends with a girl from the fitness centre and since this year, I have some friends/acquintances from my previous job. I'm happy with this, but I need more. I never experienced real love or puppy love. I don't even know what to expect from a relationship, cuz I've never seen how it should be. I'm just afraid that I will be single forever. I just need someone. I feel lonely in the evening, night and weekends. I need a guy to share stuff with. I might sound desperate, but I just don't wanna end up alone. I don't even wanna think about being an old lonely lady in an old ppl's home without children and grandchildren. Nobody who will visit me. I'm used to it, but it's ****ed up.

Do not accept this man's opinion as fact. He is making it sound like you are a failure and never going to find someone and that is NOT TRUE. And don't believe the hype about when the elderly have children that the grandchildren and children come to see them. In some cases, the children and grandchildren come to see the elderly in nursing homes but many don't, most don't want to visit the elderly in a nursing home. I remember when my grandmother was in a nursing home because she was no longer able to live with my mother, father and myself because she needed more care than my mother could provide and she lived with us for over 35 years since I was a child. The only regular visitors that came to the nursing home were my mother, myself and my father for my grandmother and then my grandmother had a roommate, the son would always visit his mother everyday, he was an only child and Italian. Out of the whole nursing home of at least 2000 people, we were the only regulars that came at least 4 times a week. And on the holidays, very people came to visit their loved ones in the nursing home and they didn't stay long. So don't count on children and grandchildren to visit because they are busy with their own lives. If you are concerned about having a relationship, seek treatment with a therapist so you can work on your self esteem and social anxiety. You will have a healthy relationship but I would not listen to your boyfriend and your friend, anything is possible especially if you are committed to doing the work.

 

[MiMi82]

You don't have to be perfect to be in a relationship with someone. You're just reinforcing the idea that you aren't good enough.

I agree. I've seen walking disasters who have been in relationships. There's GOTTA be some hope for me.

 

[MrSunday]

^This, depressingly. Also I think I'm not mature enough for a relationship, too needy. I can't even comprehend a woman finding me f***able. And this is coming from a guy who'd have girls blantantly flirt with me during high school. Sorry to put it so bluntly.

I'm really not into that sentimental crap. >_> Ewww...relationships make me vomit. Seriously, I rather eat rat poison. It just grosses me out. I don't know why.

 

[InvisaLady]

Yes, I feel I am ready foe one but I can't even get my foot in the door with guys.

 

[psych]

I honestly do not know. I strongly suspect half of the success or failure also depends on the other half of the equation.