Hello All,
Just wanted to say HI and introduce myself a bit. I'm 35 and I've lived in SF for the past 6 years after growing up in upstate NY. I've been shy for as long as I can remember, and I've avoided so much in my life because of a fear of embarrassment. I think it's really starting to add up now and take a toll on me.
Back in grade school I started avoiding social situations, and it's really never stopped since. However, when I was in high school I had a great group of friends and when I was in comfortable situations my personality blossomed, but I really haven't evolved much since then. I hate meeting new people, because I always act like such a dork. Sweaty hands, facial blushing, incomplete thoughts, just general awkwardness gets in my way. I rarely ever try new things and live a pretty boring existence.
My education and now my occupation is a direct result of this problem, and I think it's time for me to seek help before it's too late. I could probably do a lot of things, but because of my lack of confidence, reliance on negative thoughts, general laziness, and drug use(mostly cannabis) I've always had labor jobs like landscaping and carpentry that don't require much in terms of being social. I went to college for landscape contracting, and although I did well and had good grades I quit after 2 years and don't have much to show for it now. I've been a grower for cannabis dispensaries in SF for the past couple of years, and as much as I love it I also don't like the negative aspects associated with it. Unfortunately I must make a change now, and I'm scared not knowing what the heck I'm going to do with myself. It is the reason I'm seeking help with my problem, so I suppose it's a good thing. I was in the Carpenters Union in NY, and I still pay dues, so I'm going to try and transfer out here, but with the economy who knows how that will work out. I could be out of work for months before my name gets called. I feel like I should go back to school though and get a better education and a better life, but I don't think I can deal with it all. Plus I'm friggin' 35! I'm starting to feel like a complete failure because of it, and the depression from it is weighing heavily on me.
I've been with my high school sweetheart, on and off, for 18 years. We've been engaged for 3 years now, but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere, and I feel like I'm holding her back from having a family. She also suffers from social phobias, but she at least tries a lot harder at life than I do. I feel guilty for not being able to improve her life. We're at the age where it's now or never, but I'm currently unemployed and I'd much rather sit back, smoke a joint and play video games.
I am starting to make strides though. I smoked(cigs) a pack a day since my late teens, and I quit a year and eight months ago. I also stopped smoking cannabis earlier this week for the first time in a couple years. Passing a drug test for the Union is my main motivation on that, but I've been itching for a change lately. I think I'm going to join a gym and start working out a bit too. I really want to make a change in my life and conquer my social phobias, but I don't know how and I'm afraid my laziness will get in the way of a long term solution.
Anyways, sorry for rambling, but it just feels good to get this off my chest. I'm so glad I found this site the other night and I've found comfort in reading others stories. Glad to be here and hope you'll welcome me. I'm looking for some motivation and maybe a swift kick in the rear to get me going.
Cheers, and happy holidays, I guess
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