A Day in the Afterlife of GraybeardGhost

[GraybeardGhost]

Sunday, February 2, 2014​

Hi! It's me, Graybeard, and welcome to my brand-new, self-indulgent, egocentric, journal/diary/weblog/brain-dump/spleen-vent thread.

I'm sure you already know how these things work, but I'm going to tell you anyway, because I can. This is a place for me to explore my thoughts and expose them to scrutiny; to express my desires, goals, and pipe dreams; and to indulge myself with the occasional demented rant, should the need arise. This is a place for me to tell you who I am and what I love and loathe and long for. This is a place for me to tell my story.

I don't really expect this to become a daily exercise, despite what the title may imply, but more of a sporadic outbelching of whatever happens to come rattling around between my ears at any unexpected moment. It may become a weekly thing, or monthly, or this may well be the last post this thread ever sees. I make no predictions. I've wanted to start a thread like this for a long time, but I've never had the nerve. Now I do. Forgive me, if you can.

I'll start with today, since it's right here and handy. It's my birthday!!! :bigsmile: I'm usually not a fan of birthdays, because they show up every year, uninvited, and insist on telling me I'm older than I'm accustomed to being. It's rude, and I don't like it. To make things even worse, I get messages from people telling me to be happy, when that is the very last thing I want to do. "Happy you're-one-year-closer-to-death day," they tell me. My reply, were I to send it, would make a Scottish sailor blush.

However . . .

This year feels different for some reason, and I'm really not sure why. Instead of sitting around moping about the passage of time and lost opportunities and all that, I've been focusing all day on getting stuff done. I didn't complete any monumental tasks, but I did knock off a lot of those little niggling jobs that pile up in every corner of life and laugh at you from the shadows. I won't bother to list them here, as on paper it doesn't seem very much at all, but it took most of the morning and a good part of the afternoon, and that's as close to a full day's work as this shiftless boy has done in quite some time. It felt good. It still feels good. All day long I've been in the best of moods, humming along as I flitted from one little job to the next. Not even a well-aimed squirt in the eye from a renegade grapefruit could get me down.

Happy birthday? Yeah, I can do that. :thumbup:

It has been my custom, in recent years, to mark these occasions with a gluttonous orgy—pizza and ice cream being the usual fare—savored at home, by myself, with the door locked and the curtains drawn. This year, I'm skipping the ice cream, but I have a Chicago-style deep dish pie in the freezer, and a triple chocolate crème cake waiting eagerly on the pantry shelf. The door is locked, and the blinds are down. It's party time!

I can't do much about the "by myself" part, but that's okay for now. One of my goals for the next twelve months or so is to increase my level of social interaction, both online and in person. How I am to accomplish this with the Anxiety Fairy perched on my shoulder, whispering dastardly fibs in my ear, remains to be seen, and that's one of the topics I intend to explore here.

Here are a few more goals I have in mind for the coming year. They're not meant to be resolutions, mind you, as I'm about the most irresolute person you're ever likely to meet, but merely some things I'd like to accomplish.

• Clean/declutter/organize my apartment. At present, it's a dumping ground for unread books, unsorted papers, flea market junk, half-finished projects (some barely begun), and a very eclectic assortment of curious odds and ends, for many of which my love has sorely waned. I have clothes I don't wear, dishes I don't use, and furniture that's just in the way. I'd like to reduce the volume by half. One way I hope to do that is to . . .

• Get involved once more in the flea market trade. I have a building full of stuff to sell, but as long as it's there and I'm not, it's just gathering dust and costing me dough. I have a lot more stuff to take down there (see above), and it can be therapeutic (social exposure), but until I'm ready to face the customers and other vendors—in broad daylight, no less—it ain't gonna happen. So, first I'm going to have to . . .

• Finally do something to address my mental health issues. Individual or group therapy, CBT, medication? I don't know what, but it's high time I did something about this dysfunctional, squishy, gray thing in my head. I'll have to arrange for insurance first, because they're not giving it away for free, but if I can get some kind of treatment going, alongside the aforementioned flea-flogging goal, it may help me to . . .

• Learn to live again. Go out. Make friends. Play music. Dance. Sing. Walk in the woods. I've been missing these and many other activities I used to enjoy before anxiety made me a prisoner of fear. It's time to take back what's mine. It's time to turn this afterlife into a life.
​

So, there you have it. Welcome, once again, to my thread, and thank you for reading—if you have, intrepid soul—this far. I do hope you've enjoyed your visit, and I hope you'll come back soon. Comments, criticisms, and cookies all are welcome.

 

[dottie]

Happy birthday! *hides*

 

[Opaline]

Yay!

But hey, I don't appreciate you calling journal threads egotistical, mister :no:

Nah, it's true to some degree I suppose. A whole thread devoted to your own life and thoughts - the nerve! They seem to work well, though. And people like them. You can get feedback on what you're thinking without posting it in the main threads, will it may become lost amid other posts or where you feel you might annoy others somehow.

Great start to yours, by the way. Creative, fun to read. And good goals, too.

Oh, and whether you like it or not - HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

 

[Silatuyok]

Fantastic! *bakes cookies*
I very much look forward to reading, and I'm glad you had a productive birthday.

 

[jaim38]

Happy b-day!

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Happy Birthday! I like your goals. Getting stuff done and creating goals is liberating. I think if you stick with it (including therapy) things will definitely improve!

*Your city, county or state may offer free or discounted psychological services for those that qualify.

 

[jc972]

Hey happy birthday Graybeard!

 

[Hoppy]

Happy Birthday.

 

[MikeyC]

It has been my custom, in recent years, to mark these occasions with a gluttonous orgy—pizza and ice cream being the usual fare—savored at home, by myself, with the door locked and the curtains drawn. This year, I'm skipping the ice cream, but I have a Chicago-style deep dish pie in the freezer, and a triple chocolate crème cake waiting eagerly on the pantry shelf. The door is locked, and the blinds are down. It's party time!

Triple chocolate creme cake? I don't give a damn if it's your birthday, because you're so sharing that! As a whole, that sounds like a really good way to celebrate a birthday. Pizza and ice cream while watching a good movie or something - oh, yeah.

• Learn to live again. Go out. Make friends. Play music. Dance. Sing. Walk in the woods. I've been missing these and many other activities I used to enjoy before anxiety made me a prisoner of fear. It's time to take back what's mine. It's time to turn this afterlife into a life.
​

Sometimes the goals that are the simplest to achieve can reap the highest reward. Making friends is hard, but walking in the woods isn't. I go bushwalking by myself a lot. It's a lot of fun and you get to breathe nature. It's fantastic. I hope you get to achieve everything you want to.

Happy birthday, mate! :applause:

 

[GraybeardGhost]

Yay!

But hey, I don't appreciate you calling journal threads egotistical, mister :no:

Now, now, Miss Opaline, I never said that all journal threads are egotistical. I merely meant that my thread is self-indulgent and egocentric, which is not the same thing at all. Egotistical? Nah. Of all the journals on this forum, there's really only one I would describe that way. I forget what it's called . . . somebody's "thought dump" or something. :idontknow: Furthermore, ::

Nah, it's true to some degree I suppose. A whole thread devoted to your own life and thoughts - the nerve! They seem to work well, though. And people like them. You can get feedback on what you're thinking without posting it in the main threads, will it may become lost amid other posts or where you feel you might annoy others somehow.

That's one reason I wanted to start this. I often feel like some of my posts could possibly grate on people's nerves, and some of my more facetious comments (like the one above) could easily be taken the wrong way and give offense where none is intended. This way, folks can read me if they like, or they can skip right past me if that's what they prefer.

Great start to yours, by the way. Creative, fun to read. And good goals, too.

Thank you. Your opinion means a lot to me.

Your city, county or state may offer free or discounted psychological services for those that qualify.

That's one of the options I intend to explore. I received services through a state agency years ago, and they may still have my records, but I don't know what their requirements are anymore or if I would qualify. My financial situation is about to go arse over elbows, and I have no way of knowing how that will affect matters. Too much income, and I won't qualify for assistance; too little, and I won't be able to get treatment any other way.

Triple chocolate creme cake? I don't give a damn if it's your birthday, because you're so sharing that!

Of course I'll share, Mikey! But you better hurry and get over here, 'cause it ain't gonna last too long. As a matter of fact, I think I hear it calling me right now!

Thanks for the birthday wishes, everyone. It really was a good one for a change. Now, back to normal.

 

[hidwell]

I hope things work out for you mate.

 

[nodejesque]

Happy birthday! and I want some cake tooooo!

 

[MikeyC]

Of course I'll share, Mikey! But you better hurry and get over here, 'cause it ain't gonna last too long. As a matter of fact, I think I hear it calling me right now!

I'm coming! Let me get my plate and fork ready.

Happy birthday! and I want some cake tooooo!

Stay away from the cake. *hisses at nodejesque* ::

 

[Kiwong]

Happy birthday, do you live near a zoo?

 

[GraybeardGhost]

I hope things work out for you mate.

Thanks, Hidwell. I wish the same for you.

Happy birthday! and I want some cake tooooo!

Thank you, Mari, but you'll have to put on your running shoes if you want cake. There's only one piece left, and you gotta get here before Mikey. The race is on!

Happy birthday, do you live near a zoo?

Thank you, Kiwong. There is a very zoo-like nature center about a mile away, but why do you ask? Does my thread smell like monkeys? :idontknow:

Tuesday, February 4, 2014​

Another productive morning for me: mostly little things again, a lot of everyday-type tasks (or ones that ought to be done every day) that too often get shoved aside due to my chronically low energy level. Dishes, bird food, recycling, etc. I even swept and vacuumed my whole apartment for the first time in who-knows-how-long. The job was nearly finished when the machine started to belch white smoke with the distinctive fragrance of burning rubber. Gonna hafta take a look at that sometime.

While I was bustling about, ticking one item off after another, I found myself thinking about how I might better organize my to-do list. At present, I keep a text file open on my computer desktop, listing tasks for today, this week, this month, and so on. It's very poorly organized, I'm sorry to say. A lot of items are listed in more than one place, there's little or no acknowledgment of priorities, and it's so long that anything listed toward the end gets forgotten completely. I need a better system.

I sniffed around online a bit yesterday, and found a couple of free phone/computer apps that seemed promising, but when I went to download them, I came abruptly face to face with my old nemesis, the incompatibility of my aged operating system with the modern digital world. Researching further, I discovered that I can upgrade my system—at least into the present decade—for only about twenty bucks, so I believe that's what I'll do when I get some more bread in the ol' bank account.

Once I'm less behind the times, I'll take another look at those apps. Meanwhile, I'm thinking paper. While I appreciate the flexibility of digital organization, there's something very satisfying about grabbing a pencil and putting a big black check mark next to the name of a job you've just completed or striking it through entirely. It's like delivering the coup de grâce to a wounded foe. A digital list just doesn't give the same pleasure. Maybe a combination of electronic and paper approaches is the answer. I shall have to muse on the matter some more. :thinking:

Anyone have a suggestion to add?

 

[GraybeardGhost]

Wednesday, February 5, 2014​

You know that old math problem where there's a snail stuck down a well, and he climbs part way up every day, but slides part way back down every night, and you have to figure out how long it takes him to get out?

That's me.

Really, that's a lot of us, but right now, in my mind, it's mostly me. I was almost to the top tonight, but I slipped, and in the span of a single minute or less, I slid all the way back down. That's where I'll stay, I expect, for the foreseeable future—drowning in the dark, mucky water at the bottom of a poisonous well.

I know I'm being vague—and absurdly dramatic—and for that I do apologize, but the specifics of my trouble are too horrible, disgusting, and humiliating to detail. I wish I could talk to someone—anyone—about this, but I can't. Not even my best friend understands the monstrosity I've become, and I can't begin to explain. Even if I could open my mouth to speak, the words would stick in my throat. I could very well choke to death on silence.

At times like this, I get suicidal thoughts whirling around in my head. Always the same idea: a rope, a rafter . . . you get the picture. It seems the only option, but even that escape is denied me. Not here. Not now. Too much to do, too many mountains to move first, too many debts to pay. Another time, another place, another path, perhaps, but not yet.

How long does it take to climb out of a well? It depends on the well (this one looks pretty deep), and it depends on the snail (this one is awfully slow). Does it take a week? Two weeks? A month? I don't know. In all my years of crawling up and sliding down, it's a problem I've never learned how to solve.

 

[Opaline]

I don't think I've ever heard the snail in the well thing as a math problem. It paints a good visual, though. Slimy snail sliding (yay alliteration) down the moisture-covered walls of a well, again and again. Sounds like bug hell.

I'm sorry you're in such a rough spot.

*tries to think of something else to say*

 

[kihira]

You know that old math problem where there's a snail stuck down a well, and he climbs part way up every day, but slides part way back down every night, and you have to figure out how long it takes him to get out?

That's me.

Unfortunately I can very much relate to how you are feeling, I usually think of it as snakes and ladders and always ending up back at square one, which is where I am now. If you're like me you are probably being way harder on yourself than you need to be. Use the sliding down feeling as motivation to change, but don't let it be an anchor that holds you back.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

the specifics of my trouble are too horrible, disgusting, and humiliating to detail. I wish I could talk to someone—anyone—about this, but I can't. Not even my best friend understands the monstrosity I've become, and I can't begin to explain. Even if I could open my mouth to speak, the words would stick in my throat. I could very well choke to death on silence.

:/

At times like this, I get suicidal thoughts whirling around in my head. Always the same idea: a rope, a rafter . . . you get the picture.

Mine always involve a lot of violence and blood. Usually to my head and face. I don't know why. Such thoughts come unbidden. :idontknow:

sliding down the moisture-covered walls of a well, again and again.

 

[Silatuyok]

I've said it before, but I'll say it again: so long as you are fighting against whatever it is that is bothering you, I for one would not judge you for the troubles you are having. I think people who truly care would be more forgiving than you imagine.