30+ Year old Avoidants, what is progress?

[dottie]

Nah, haven't done that.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

..do any of you go to group meetings for avoidants or similar people?i wonder how that would work if such groups even exist?

 

[Thomasina]

Where I live there is a self-help group for social phobia but I've not been. On their website it says that they meet once a week, about 6-12 people, then each talks about their current situation or they chat, though no-one is forced to talk and it is OK if no-one talks. There is no therapist or psychologist present, though people are advised to have counselling. They also have guest speakers or films and do activities together.
Can't help thinking it would make a good comedy sketch, though, as a meeting for people who avoid meetings. Like the time management course that was cancelled due to prior engagements.

 

[Kiwong]

The sun coming up on another day is a bonus for a 51 year old.

 

[Thomasina]

The sun coming up on another day is a bonus for a 51 year old.

Because you are glad to be alive / not dead, or because the night is so awful?

 

[Kiwong]

Because you are glad to be alive / not dead, or because the night is so awful?

I guess surprised to be alive when the nights are full of despair. Sometimes even glad to be alive usually on weekends.

 

[Thomasina]

Are your nights always bad or just when something happens? Do you have any strategies for reducing the night-time despair? Maybe I could borrow some ideas. Have been given sleeping tablets but they are addictive so don't dare use them. Also knock you out for 8 hours, so you have to know in advance that you are not going to be able to sleep :thinking:

 

[bsammy]

Where I live there is a self-help group for social phobia but I've not been. On their website it says that they meet once a week, about 6-12 people, then each talks about their current situation or they chat, though no-one is forced to talk and it is OK if no-one talks. There is no therapist or psychologist present, though people are advised to have counselling. They also have guest speakers or films and do activities together.
Can't help thinking it would make a good comedy sketch, though, as a meeting for people who avoid meetings. Like the time management course that was cancelled due to prior engagements.

yeah in my case i suffer more from avoidance/introversion than i do social phobia..i have social anxiety at times but im very avoidant of people i like even..i cannot imagine how a meeting like that would be, like u mentioned, a bunch of people basically avoiding each other..lol..even if you do meet others in the group, you are going to have 2 avoidants, how would that relationship work out?in my experience, an avoidant needs a somewhat extroverted person to pull them to get out and go places..another avoidant i think would just avoid them..i dont know, im confused..can avoidance pd even be treated?it seems like such an engrained mindset..

that is another thing i have noticed, there is a big difference between social phobia and avoidance..you dont have to be socially phobic in order to be avoidant..

i have found after this many years, i dont really suffer much anymore but there is just nothing to my life basically..groundhog day every day, stuck in the grind..

 

[bsammy]

another thing which i have talked about before is that my avoidance has caused me to basically not have much to say to people..this problem gets worse with age i have found..i mean, i dont do much in terms of activities so this leads to a dead-end pretty quickly when it comes to socializing..i have very little to say to friends or family even much less new people i could possibly meet..ive noticed avoidance causes these other problems to start turning which leads to more avoidance..

 

[FountainandFairfax]

another thing which i have talked about before is that my avoidance has caused me to basically not have much to say to people..this problem gets worse with age i have found..i mean, i dont do much in terms of activities so this leads to a dead-end pretty quickly when it comes to socializing..i have very little to say to friends or family even much less new people i could possibly meet..ive noticed avoidance causes these other problems to start turning which leads to more avoidance..

Absolutely. Most of my conversations are completely one-sided and very brief because I simply don't have anything to say that the average person is going to find interesting. When you don't work or get out much, it leaves your conversation quiver pretty thin.

 

[bsammy]

^^i work and have a few hobbies but ive found that generally most people, including myself, doesnt want to hear about what goes on at someone elses work...as for hobbies, i found that i generally burn through that type of talk the first few times i talk to someone..then its i either just ask them questions about themselves which gets very tedious after a short while or we dont talk at all, end of relationship..i just dont get how people can meet up on regular basis and have fun and maintain interesting conversations..doesnt help that im very introverted and have a very short 'social battery'..socializing is draining to me..

i have no idea how to remedy this problem, do you Fairfax??

 

[skins]

^^well good lol..which brings me to ask, the only way for an avoidant to succeed or even blend in without a ton of effort socially is to hang around other social misfits or avoidants..do any of you go to group meetings for avoidants or similar people?i wonder how that would work if such groups even exist?

not necessarily social miss fits, but just quieter people in general. People that you know have probably had some struggles themselves in life.

if I tried hanging out with the real extroverted go getters, I would be that out of my depth I would probably stand out like dogs go nads. and act like a deer in the headlights.

 

[Thomasina]

I can talk better now but am still very aware of "am I talking too little? Too much, even? Talking about the wrong things? Being boring? Overcompensating and sounding manic?!"
After I've talked a lot I usually feel embarrassed rather than feeling pleased that I've been outgoing or anything. The book club is good as you have a set subject, but even then I wonder if I should say anything as maybe someone more interesting wants to talk first. Or I start wondering if people really do actually want to talk about the book or if they would just prefer to chat and the club is just an excuse for that (and I'm spoiling it). I guess a lot of it is about your thoughts, more than a realistic view of what is happening as the people round you see it. (What is real though?)

I once had someone ask me not to visit them any more as the conversation was boring. I guess it was boring precisely because I was afraid it was boring. If I hadn't been occupied thinking about that I might have had something interesting pop into my head.

I also like being with people who are confidant enough to keep up the conversation themselves or persistent enough to keep inviting me out. But in a room of people I'll choose the safe-looking one to talk to.

 

[bsammy]

I once had someone ask me not to visit them any more as the conversation was boring. I guess it was boring precisely because I was afraid it was boring. If I hadn't been occupied thinking about that I might have had something interesting pop into my head.

I also like being with people who are confidant enough to keep up the conversation themselves or persistent enough to keep inviting me out. But in a room of people I'll choose the safe-looking one to talk to.[/QUOTE]

wait, you honestly had someone tell you to not come over again because the conversation was boring?i hope for this persons sake that this happened when you were both teenagers or younger?if an adult said this to you, that person needs a lot of help..

i do have social anxiety still at times but my social skills are pretty good..i know when to talk and carry a conversation, i can read people very well..problem is now as its always been, im very seldom in a mood to socialize..its the introverted part of me i guess?

 

[Kiwong]

Thomasina, the despair is less when I have distractions I look forward to. My running and photography primarily.

 

[Thomasina]

Yes, this was late teenage years, adults would be less honest! I had trouble getting a word out sometimes then.

I go walking rather than running but that does help tire you out. The poor dog has been forced into ten-mile hikes lately. Don't see any parrots round here but sometimes I spot a heron or a weasel or something, and the river looks really lazy: I like a bit of landscape therapy.

 

[Kiwong]

When I run or walk, I like to tune into what I see, hear and smell. And then try to put that into words. It takes me out of my thought stream for a while.

 

[Metal_isthe_Answer]

^^i dont know about hitting a giant 'age wall' but when you reach 30 and above, you will realize when you talk to peers that they have lived and done many things that you SHOULD have already done..there are certain things you should accomplish in late teenage and early 20s that simply cannot be made up for at a later age..once certain milestones are missed, thats it..you can try and make them up but it feels silly and pointless.. if you have lived a very avoidant lifestyle and you talk or hang out with 'normal' people then you will almost feel like an alien being in terms of experiences or lack thereof..

30 isnt old necessarily bits its a much different time comp[ared to teens and 20s..i wish someone could explain this better than i atm lol..

That actually makes perfect sense (sorry for the long delay). I have a few friends/acquaintances that have been married for years and have kids etc..It makes me feel closer to the 20 year olds than them.

 

[Lilly789]

Ive just turned 36.

While Ive become more at ease with certain things with age, maturity and experience, this doesn't mean my APD has "improved", its just being glazed over. Caring less about being a hermit and my symptoms now because Ive become "comfortable" with them probably isn't a good thing.

In fact I think mine has become worse recently.

It was bad in my early 20's... then improved for several years... and has become worse again over the past 2 years.

 

[R3K]

i'm 34. everyone in my peer group (friends/family my age) are married and having kids, are in serious relationships or are dating many ppl frequently. i remain single and can't get a date to save my life.

technically I've "progressed" in my avoidance issues, but this progress is counterbalanced by the twist of logistics operating against my favor: fewer available women my age, and general alienation by my peers.