30+ Year old Avoidants, what is progress?

bsammy

Well-known member
there seems to be many people in their teens or 20s on here talking about talking to girls or doing this or that but ive realized that making progress with avoidance disorder is much different in your 30s and in a different place in your life..im not sure if im getting worse with avoidance or better..i know know who i am much better but that doesnt help much..i can talk to people just fine, women it doesnt matter but still quite avoidant and really do not generall enjoy socializing..

ive realized that one night stands are pointless for me at this stage where they might have mattered much more in my teens..i also find that friendships are easy to start but almost impossible to maintain at this age..i really dont even bother to try to get into serious relationships so..

i dont know, any people around this age, are you still making progress or have you accepted who you are?if you are making progress, what is it?
 

DepravedFurball

Well-known member
i dont know, any people around this age, are you still making progress or have you accepted who you are?if you are making progress, what is it?

*sighs*

Honestly, I don't know. I've accepted that it's far easier to avoid what puts me into a state of unease, and that I've regressed in any progress to the point where I'd have to start all over again...

And that's lead me to question whether or not it would be worth it. I mean, as an almost-33y/o, I recognize that the majority of my youthful energies are now behind me, and that looking forward, the prospects for the future are enthusing me less and less.

I think I'm probably done with struggling to forge myself into a 'normal' person, complete with all the things that they enjoy doing. I'd prefer just to find a happy equilibrium, and live in that contentedness, even if it meant missing out on a vast amount of experiences...

Yet I've got to remind myself that I'm looking at the future from my present state of mind, and that if I was in a loftier emotive state, then I'd most likely set higher goals. But for now... I harbour no optimistic dreams.
 

A86

Well-known member
I find I'm becoming more accepting as I age.

More accepting means more comfortable with myself.
More comfortable means a bit more confident.
More confidence means more things I am willing to avoid avoiding ;)
 

Kiwong

Well-known member
Things changed for me after 40. Less testosterone coursing around in my system?

I'm nuttier than a Christmas fruit cake, and I'm OK with it.
 

planetweirdo

Well-known member
I'm 32 and I feel that it's a lot harder to make friends now than when I was younger. I've never been I a relationship before, that used the bother me a lot more but the older I get the less it seems the matter. I have accepted that I'm an eccentric loner. but when I comes to my avoidant personality disorder I am still making progress. I have actually progress a lot since my mid 20s. I use to not be able to leave my home with out having panic attacks. and I was almost mute and couldn't talk to anyone out side of my family. Now I don't have as many panic attacks when I leave the house. and I can manage to talk to people a little. The progress is slow but I'm still very happy to be making that progress. No matter how old get I don't think I well ever stop trying to make progress.
 
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bsammy

Well-known member
*sighs*

Honestly, I don't know. I've accepted that it's far easier to avoid what puts me into a state of unease, and that I've regressed in any progress to the point where I'd have to start all over again...

And that's lead me to question whether or not it would be worth it. I mean, as an almost-33y/o, I recognize that the majority of my youthful energies are now behind me, and that looking forward, the prospects for the future are enthusing me less and less.

I think I'm probably done with struggling to forge myself into a 'normal' person, complete with all the things that they enjoy doing. I'd prefer just to find a happy equilibrium, and live in that contentedness, even if it meant missing out on a vast amount of experiences...

Yet I've got to remind myself that I'm looking at the future from my present state of mind, and that if I was in a loftier emotive state, then I'd most likely set higher goals. But for now... I harbour no optimistic dreams.

yes i have found the older i get the less pressure i feel to fit in socially so this has increased my avoidance..in my teens i felt pressure to go out and play the social game whereas now i dont ..i have developed good social skills early on but even then, to this day i still feel that 99% of my social interactions feel like im acting, putting on a role if that makes sense..i dont have the energy of my youth to keep that up to any significant degree..

i will never be normal with my mixture of avoidance and introversion but i have also found that im at a crossroads, i can either try and keep up with social demands from friends(very few) or family or isolate completely..neither sounds like a good option..i have a few friendships that are barely hanging on but i feel i put more effort into them than the tiny bit of reward i get..

i guess each person is different but in my case ive lost my sense of identity..im not sure what optimistic goals i could have..
 

Flanscho

Well-known member
I'm in my early 30s. In general, things improved very well. 10 years ago I was so phobic, I once went to someone with a pub to meet some of her friends, and I didn't say a single word. She told me afterwards that she never wants to take me somewhere again. That hurt.

But, as said, it improved over time. Over the years I carefully acquired a circle of close friends, and sometimes I even join them now on parties.

I'm still not too familiar with clubbing, but it's on my "to do" list. :)
 

Nanita

Well-known member
I´m 32. I have become more isolated in the last couple of years.. I have problems when it comes to friendships/relationships, and I have like zero social skills.
I work at home so to speak. I used to work with other people, with art, modelling and performing in theatre plays and also playing in bands. Social phobia and a general anxiety/nervousness, has made it impossible for me to do all those things. Not having a traditional job with co-workers, obviously means fewer possibilities of meeting people in everyday life.

My few good friends all live in other cities or countries.
I meet new people once in a while. But I find it really hard to build new frendships and maintain them in general. I loose touch and I can´t seem to reach out. I´ve been in several longterm relationships but I´m so damn tired of all the difficulties I usually experience in relationships.

But.....the progress I´m experiencing as I get older is that I feel wiser and I have had some really insightful therapy. I´m seeing a good therapist, finally. We are unravelling a lot of unhealthy patterns I have developed, and unravelling my very traumatic childhood. It´s a slow process but with many insights and better understanding of myself. Most importantly I´m learning how to actually know how I feel / allow myself to feel and express my needs. Better understanding of my specific problems that have caused me to develop this disorder of anxiety and avoidance.
 
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Odo

Banned
I've been getting worse as I've been getting older, but I don't think it's the getting older that's making me worse so much as my lifestyle, society's expectations, and my overall confidence level when it comes to dealing with people, which was never very high but has been plummeting recently. But I'm also a lot more comfortable with being a recluse and being aloof or avoiding people than I used to be, which isn't necessarily good, but it's definitely easier than when I was younger.

I haven't seen a therapist at length... I'm not sure that it would do me much good and I really don't want to spend the money.
 
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bsammy

Well-known member
I'm in my early 30s. In general, things improved very well. 10 years ago I was so phobic, I once went to someone with a pub to meet some of her friends, and I didn't say a single word. She told me afterwards that she never wants to take me somewhere again. That hurt.

But, as said, it improved over time. Over the years I carefully acquired a circle of close friends, and sometimes I even join them now on parties.

I'm still not too familiar with clubbing, but it's on my "to do" list. :)

see the thing is i can do all that stuff, meet people and carry conversations, i can appear to be social and interesting but it feels like a mask..bottom line, it feels like im FORCING myself to be that way to 'fit in'..does this make any sense?

serious relationships have always been much more work and hardships than actual enjoyment..even friendships these days are extremely difficult to maintain as i honestly do not enjoy what most people enjoy, whether its going out to bars, eating out etc etc..i enjoy playing sports but you cant sustain a relationship just by playing sports with someone...i always come back to te realization that i do not enjoy the 'sit around and just socialize' idea..i CAN do it and blend in but its far from enjoyable..thats why at my age(35) im kind of scratching my head as to what to do next..i have very little internal drive to do much of anything tbh..
 
Well i know what ISN'T progress. Have never really progressed with it, right back to childhood. Circumstances (school, sport, family, etc) made me either more or less avoidant to a minor degree, i suppose (as i wasn't avoiding people as much, tho i spose my inate desire to avoid was still fairly high, but maybe not quite as high due to allowing myself to go into those situations more). I just never seem to get around to addressing it; maybe i don't really see it as a "problem"??

So, i can't see myself improving in the foreseeable. I don't see it as a "rock-wall" type of problem, but more a "lost in desert" type. Over the years, i have been wandering further & further away from society (ie becoming more avoidant). So now there are hundreds of miles between where i'm walking & where the edge of society is. Not mission impossible to reach the edge of desert, but can't see it happening any time soon; & i may never reach edge, bar some sort of major inner transformation/work (which may or may not come about)...
 
I'd have to say in my early 30's i have made progress in regards to SA then 10-20 years ago, but this hasn't seemed to translate to much improvement in my life situation.

For instance i'm far less avoidant then i was back then, and have more confidence when conversing with people, and i'm more self assured. All the things i wish i could have been well equipped with back when i was in my 20's...see now i want to make friends, so******e, have a great relationship etc, the stuff i just avoided when i was a teenager/20's. Trouble is now that i have a desire to do that sort of stuff and i have more testosterone floating around my body then ever, it seems even harder to achieve. In your 30's it gets harder to make new friends then when you were teens/20's and going to school, uni, college, sporting clubs. Also harder to find a partner too...at this age they are either in relationships, or there is something wrong with them, and that's why they are single. I find myself trying to hang around people much younger then myself as I try and make up for being a recluse during those younger years, and now its bitting me in the butt.
 

bsammy

Well-known member
^^i know what you mean, its almost like once u pass a certain point, its 'too late' for certain things..maybe not too late but its a much different atmosphere..i have found my social anxiety is much less but my avoidance is worse so the 2 arent linked directly in my case..i just find most relationships as pointless..

"they are either in relationships or something is wrong with them"

generally speaking you are correct, but we arent exactly normal either lol..yes, many single women in their 30s either have a ton of baggage or are just unstable at best..playing the relationship game in your 30s is so much more difficult especially if you dont have a strong established social circle.. trying to establish one in your 30s is very difficult..
 

FountainandFairfax

in a VAN down by the RIVER
The second-half of my thirties seems to be better in the broad-strokes. I have less trouble in public places, but more in one-on-one situations, still I think overall, I’ve progressed... or at least things around me have changed enough so that I’m more comfortable in general.

Strangers who are my age, the people I consider my peers, now have so many big concerns in life that my weirdness rarely even seems to show up on their radar. They’re simply too wrapped-up in their full-lives to notice my anxiety. Being an odd teenager, and then an odd twenty-something, was rough because people my age had less to do, they had fewer commitments, and had more free-time to notice the oddball.

A man or woman in their mid-late thirties, however, doesn't even seem to notice me… say, circling the aisle at Target four times, waiting for them to make a selection and leave, so that I can grab that can of shaving cream they’ve been standing too close to for the last five minutes. So stuff like that is better because there’s not as much shame.

Where my anxiety is worse is in the more personal interactions. My family owns rental property, and I sometimes have to go into the homes and do repair work, so it’s during those times, when I’m one-on-one with people, that things tend to get very awkward, and people seriously start getting the "Dolarhyde vibe." ha ha So that kind of stuff is worse now because it’s a lot less forgivable to be the weird man, as opposed to the weird guy, or weird teenager. When you’re grown, people expect you to have grown out of your shyness, or to at least be able to keep it in-check well enough to make small talk and normal conversation. :/
 
^^i know what you mean, its almost like once u pass a certain point, its 'too late' for certain things..maybe not too late but its a much different atmosphere..i have found my social anxiety is much less but my avoidance is worse so the 2 arent linked directly in my case..i just find most relationships as pointless..

"they are either in relationships or something is wrong with them"

generally speaking you are correct, but we arent exactly normal either lol..yes, many single women in their 30s either have a ton of baggage or are just unstable at best..playing the relationship game in your 30s is so much more difficult especially if you dont have a strong established social circle.. trying to establish one in your 30s is very difficult..

exactly, and when I say "something is wrong with them" I absolutely include myself in that group...certainly having SA isn't an endeering quality to have on your dating resume.

There is of course the rare exception that you find someone in their 30's that has just come out of a relationship, but then I'm likely to think that they will just date back into their circle of friends, or friends of friends so to speak..and not a complete stranger....*sigh* again it comes down to the all important social network, if you have a strong social network and are going to parties every other weekend its going to be a lot easier to find someone.

Its like having a key to one unlocks a key to another door, but there is no shortcuts. If you're a loner in your 30's then you must be some sort of creeper, certainly not dating material. Sorry to get this slightly OT, this thread has been really thought provoking to me.
 

bsammy

Well-known member
^^well yes, if you dont already have a strong social circle by the time you hit your 30s and you have avoidance, anxiety issues, then the odds of developing one is slim imo unless you are completely dedicated to it but i have found my energy lacking big time in this area..your best bet is to find a woman that is also a loner, good luck with that though lol..you just have to put yourself out there regularly and thats difficult..
 

Nanita

Well-known member
The second-half of my thirties seems to be better in the broad-strokes. I have less trouble in public places, but more in one-on-one situations, still I think overall, I’ve progressed... or at least things around me have changed enough so that I’m more comfortable in general.

Strangers who are my age, the people I consider my peers, now have so many big concerns in life that my weirdness rarely even seems to show up on their radar. They’re simply too wrapped-up in their full-lives to notice my anxiety. Being an odd teenager, and then an odd twenty-something, was rough because people my age had less to do, they had fewer commitments, and had more free-time to notice the oddball.

A man or woman in their mid-late thirties, however, doesn't even seem to notice me… say, circling the aisle at Target four times, waiting for them to make a selection and leave, so that I can grab that can of shaving cream they’ve been standing too close to for the last five minutes. So stuff like that is better because there’s not as much shame.

Where my anxiety is worse is in the more personal interactions. My family owns rental property, and I sometimes have to go into the homes and do repair work, so it’s during those times, when I’m one-on-one with people, that things tend to get very awkward, and people seriously start getting the "Dolarhyde vibe." ha ha So that kind of stuff is worse now because it’s a lot less forgivable to be the weird man, as opposed to the weird guy, or weird teenager. When you’re grown, people expect you to have grown out of your shyness, or to at least be able to keep it in-check well enough to make small talk and normal conversation. :/

I also don´t mind so much the being out in public part and things like that. Sure I sometimes get uncomfortable when a person looks at me or walks by me. But my anxiety is definitely happening mostly when I´m with people who expect me to interact, talk, get to know each other. Like if a friend introduces me to their friend and it is sort of expected that I talk to that person and get to know them, and I´m freaking out and feel forced to interact and I just can´t be relaxed...
 

Nanita

Well-known member
"Something wrong with people if they´re not in a relationship in their 30´s". Hhmmmmm, interesting perspective...... I happen to know that there is also plenty wrong with people who ARE in relationships

I hope my next boyfriend is a loner. He should also be kind of a freak or even a weirdo. With lots of baggage? Sure, great! makes everything more exciting (the sex part too) and it makes ME feel like less of a freak.

My last boyfriend was a loner and had lots of baggage, and he was also the best boyfriend I ever had. But we grew apart and now we´re sort of friends.

Other partners I had were not loners, and therefore I always felt so anti-social and messed up, compared to them, and I would constantly feel pressure to hang out with their friends and families. All those boyfriends so wished that I wasn´t an unstable weirdo with baggage. They so wished I could fit into their social life (and I wished I could, too). But I couldn´t and I´m glad I stopped trying to fit in.

Here is my dating advertisment or whatever they´re called, if I had to make one:

Non dating material woman in early 30´s, looking for a person to fall in love with. Has been in several serious and non-serious relationships before, but hey they all ended (apparently, obviously) Is unstable and a total loner nowadays, avoids confrontations and people, partly because of anxiety and partly because most people are boring anyway. Is very good at cooking, painting, playing dress up, and many other things.
 
"Something wrong with people if they´re not in a relationship in their 30´s". Hhmmmmm, interesting perspective...... I happen to know that there is also plenty wrong with people who ARE in relationships

I hope my next boyfriend is a loner. He should also be kind of a freak or even a weirdo. With lots of baggage? Sure, great! makes everything more exciting (the sex part too) and it makes ME feel like less of a freak.

My last boyfriend was a loner and had lots of baggage, and he was also the best boyfriend I ever had. But we grew apart and now we´re sort of friends.

Other partners I had were not loners, and therefore I always felt so anti-social and messed up, compared to them, and I would constantly feel pressure to hang out with their friends and families. All those boyfriends so wished that I wasn´t an unstable weirdo with baggage. They so wished I could fit into their social life (and I wished I could, too). But I couldn´t and I´m glad I stopped trying to fit in.

Here is my dating advertisment or whatever they´re called, if I had to make one:

Non dating material woman in early 30´s, looking for a person to fall in love with. Has been in several serious and non-serious relationships before, but hey they all ended (apparently, obviously) Is unstable and a total loner nowadays, avoids confrontations and people, partly because of anxiety and partly because most people are boring anyway. Is very good at cooking, painting, playing dress up, and many other things.

^if only there were more like you getting around...in all my times on dating websites I have never seen an honest profile that read like that. I can only hope that someday I will find someone like yourself. In fact my last 2 girlfriends asked me straight out "so how come you don't have any friends?" ...Awkward! and i'm sure if they didn't care about that they wouldn't ask.
 
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