30+ Year old Avoidants, what is progress?

[bsammy]

i'm 34. everyone in my peer group (friends/family my age) are married and having kids, are in serious relationships or are dating many ppl frequently. i remain single and can't get a date to save my life.

technically I've "progressed" in my avoidance issues, but this progress is counterbalanced by the twist of logistics operating against my favor: fewer available women my age, and general alienation by my peers.

see i can get a relationship/friendship rolling but everything after that is just an uphill battle..

oh and yes, the available women in the mid 30s age group is very slim pickings..so yes, ican very much agree with the odd twist of logistics that has happened..my social skills are actually better than most peoples but at my age and with my avoidance issues, it doesnt do much good..

 

[Earthcircle]

there seems to be many people in their teens or 20s on here talking about talking to girls or doing this or that but ive realized that making progress with avoidance disorder is much different in your 30s and in a different place in your life..im not sure if im getting worse with avoidance or better..i know know who i am much better but that doesnt help much..i can talk to people just fine, women it doesnt matter but still quite avoidant and really do not generall enjoy socializing..

ive realized that one night stands are pointless for me at this stage where they might have mattered much more in my teens..i also find that friendships are easy to start but almost impossible to maintain at this age..i really dont even bother to try to get into serious relationships so..

i dont know, any people around this age, are you still making progress or have you accepted who you are?if you are making progress, what is it?

I am 49 years old, and have never been aware of any progress. I have tried everything, including well over a decade of psychotherapy. Every day, I mull this over and wonder what the hell I am going to do. My prospects, if anything, just keep getting dimmer.

 

[Earthcircle]

I find I'm becoming more accepting as I age.

More accepting means more comfortable with myself.
More comfortable means a bit more confident.
More confidence means more things I am willing to avoid avoiding

I actually find the isolation more acutely embarrassing as I age. It somehow seems less and less normal to me to be alone. When you're young, you can say it is temporary. As you grow older, it really starts to look eccentric. At least, I feel that way about myself.

 

[kilojoule]

I tried to answer this thread already and deleted my post I've gotten so bad at that lately.

But um, what I think. Technically I am in my 30th year.nooooooooooooo. Things definitely don't improve on their own. I mean you might get a little less caring about it all and you might start to feel a bit more comfortable in your own skin. I notice Im a little more patient and a bit more stubborn about following through on things...but for the most part,if nothing changes, nothing changes. Something has to change for progress to be made. And what that is that works, is different for everyone.

For me I overhauled my attitude tried really grabbing the bull by the horn...:rollseyes: you know what I mean. Anyway I did group therapy which was tough but it really helped me.. . took me a few sessions to stay in the room with the rest of the group lol but I got there eventually.

 

[dottie]

I actually find the isolation more acutely embarrassing as I age. It somehow seems less and less normal to me to be alone. When you're young, you can say it is temporary. As you grow older, it really starts to look eccentric. At least, I feel that way about myself.

Yeah, I feel you on that one. :l

 

[Kiwong]

It was always a dream of mine to be an eccentric. To act to the beat of a different drum.

 

[Earthcircle]

It was always a dream of mine to be an eccentric. To act to the beat of a different drum.

I would prefer to be eccentric with someone else. My being gay might lessen the appearance of eccentricity a little, but it's not obvious to people that I am gay. And all the talk of gay marriage makes it look a little strange for a gay to be so isolated too.

 

[bsammy]

im not sure if im embarrassed of my isolation now as i have a better excuse for it whereas when i was younger i didnt have a good excuse for it..besides, i do force myself out socially here and there but again, its not a natural act and i do it more to just say i did it more than anything else..i think thats how hard-wired my avoidance/introversion is..i basically will do social outings just so it doesnt appear that i am a complete recluse..even aside from anxiety, the social outings just leave me underwhelmed..

ill always be very eccentric even aside from avoidance pd, that isnt going to change but it leaves me butting heads with society here and there..

joule-what you said about progress being different to everyone is very true..just with me it doesnt matter how good my social skills become, it always feel like im putting on an act when i socialize with people..it doesnt matter who they are or how long ive known them, its always been a tiring process that i cant wait to get away from..in this area ive actually gotten worse..

 

[S_Spartan]

I really don't see what is so magical about being social. It seems that 90% of it is just small talk anyway. I can be social with strangers but it never leads to things like opportunities or relationships. Just static small talk.

The key seems to be being social AND be able to move the conversation forward to where some connection is formed and you both get something out of it. But that seems very very hard.

 

[kilojoule]

joule-what you said about progress being different to everyone is very true..just with me it doesnt matter how good my social skills become, it always feel like im putting on an act when i socialize with people..it doesnt matter who they are or how long ive known them, its always been a tiring process that i cant wait to get away from..in this area ive actually gotten worse..

Im confused

Im not being a smartass here pls dont misundestand. Im trying to comprehend what you want. You can social.ising but you feel like its an act....I understand that bit ...You cant wait to get away from so.******ing...I understand that bit. You force yourself out here and there mostly for appearances. I understand that bit. You dont generally enjoy so******ing.
I understand that bit. (mods why are you censoring social.ising????)

I have to be careful how I phrase things because I dont want to offend and I often see things in very black and white and it comes out really insensitively when Im just trying to clarify something

I am genuinely missing the point here. In what way do you want to progress? What does it mean to you? If you dont want to strive to actively participate in doing stuff with people, any people...what do you mean by progress? Do you want yo be less sociable? You say youre getting worse...Im so confused.

 

[bsammy]

Im confused

Im not being a smartass here pls dont misundestand. Im trying to comprehend what you want. You can social.ising but you feel like its an act....I understand that bit ...You cant wait to get away from so.******ing...I understand that bit. You force yourself out here and there mostly for appearances. I understand that bit. You dont generally enjoy so******ing.
I understand that bit. (mods why are you censoring social.ising????)

I have to be careful how I phrase things because I dont want to offend and I often see things in very black and white and it comes out really insensitively when Im just trying to clarify something

I am genuinely missing the point here. In what way do you want to progress? What does it mean to you? If you dont want to strive to actively participate in doing stuff with people, any people...what do you mean by progress? Do you want yo be less sociable? You say youre getting worse...Im so confused.

well i have always assumed that it is human nature to pursue other people and to socialize..also that people enjoy socializing with others, forming relationships and whatnot but this isnt true in my case..it always feels like an act and for the most part isnt enjoyable so i cant figure out if this is due to avoidance pd or introversion or something else...so, i guess what i would like to happen is i would like to enjoy socializing with others like normal people..socializing is something that must be done in order to network in this world...im tired of having to force myself to talk to people at work and outside..this is what confuses me about progress, hence the name of the thread..humans strive to be in relationships with others, they get enjoyment out of it but us avoidants dont seem to so should i just completely give up on it or not?i guess its question only i can answer..

in a way i answer my own question as i cannot give up on socializing as at work its a must

 

[strongman]

I over 30 , and I things improved better , I have only one life and will try this life until I die , who will think after 2 million years what happened , so I am pushing my self to go to social events , if no one to talk I stand proudly , and regarding to women , I wasn't the guy who approach women , but now I approach them and I am sorry to years that gone from my youth without having a lot of fun with women .
my slogan is : until I die I ll not give up , I only have less than 100 year on this earth so I want to use it to fullest .

I am also working and studying and I doubled my income for the second time this year .

but dont think life is easy with me , depression attack me almost every day , and some time I loose the desire to every thing and wish I die , but later I get up and I am energetic .

 

[Earthcircle]

I'm not sure what progress is. But, whatever it is, I think it fluctuates. I don't think it's linear.