30+ Year old Avoidants, what is progress?

[Nanita]

^if only there were more like you getting around...in all my times on dating websites I have never seen an honest profile that read like that. I can only hope that someday I will find someone like yourself. In fact my last 2 girlfriends asked me straight out "so how come you don't have any friends?" ...Awkward! and i'm sure if they didn't care about that they wouldn't ask.

I don´t think I would use a dating website again ( I used to when I was younger) but if I did I would be completely honest about my good and bad sides.
Some boyfriends always said I oughtta spend more time with my friends..or make more friendsmg: Aye aye captain your word is my command.

 

[bsammy]

nanita-yes i have often thought of what i would put on a dating website and if i were being 100% honest it would go something like this "30 something year old looking for a cute, simple woman to whom he can talk to occasionally..doesnt like much contact, and prefers most socializing to be through texting or online chat..occasionally likes to hang out and play games or watch movies but beyond that, dont expect me to be a part of family outings or other social activities, i cant be bothered..doesnt like boring everyday chit-chat either..likes the wilderness"

id like to see what replies i would get from that..lol..you look at most dating profiles and they are all about 'living life to the fullest, meeting people, doing grand things'...ugghh

 

[bsammy]

"They so wished i could fit into their social life(and i wished i could, too).But i couldn't and im glad i stopped trying to fit in"

yes, i believe most of us on here by the time we hit 30 or late 20s realize we simply arent cut out for the social scene..this may mean many friends will go away but so be it..it beats trying to be someone you are not...

 

[Nanita]

..doesnt like boring everyday chit-chat either..likes the wilderness"

Genious. Pretty much describes the essence of me haha.

 

[Gieky]

yes, i believe most of us on here by the time we hit 30 or late 20s realize we simply arent cut out for the social scene..this may mean many friends will go away but so be it..it beats trying to be someone you are not...

This is so true! I think this to myself a lot. It only gets harder the older we get. A part of me wishes that I had tried harder when I was younger and it was a bit easier but oh well...

 

[bsammy]

This is so true! I think this to myself a lot. It only gets harder the older we get. A part of me wishes that I had tried harder when I was younger and it was a bit easier but oh well...

well tbh in my experience, the harder i tried it never made socializing 'easier' or more enjoyable, i would just feel strained and then become confused as to why i wasnt getting a kick out of it like everyone else seemed to..the only 2 things i did seem to get out of socializing is improved social skills and the feeling that i was more 'normal'..i never got to the point where i anticipated socializing and really enjoyed it..

 

[Naesala]

Sadly I can only kinda agree with the last few posts.

When it comes to professional progress, I feel I`m making more ground then ever before. I am almost done with my study including inturnship (I have no doubt I will get my diploma), I have succesfully cemented a place on my workplace, even though there are no possibilities to stay as a paid woker after my inturn period (due to policy).

The only reason I can be succesfull though, is by accepting my social shortcomings. Sort of feeling at peace that it will not lead to fullfill any of my real desires. My real desires are having a social life and relationship. Time after time during my progress on this professional level, that has been shown to me, when I falsly assumed I saw something blooming where there wasn`t remotely anything.

So in short, when I accept my shortcomings, I can definetly get more out of life then I have gotten before. However, on subjects that have always hold my biggest desires, I have to accept that this is out of my reach, if I`m going to be able to enjoy the positive changes in my life.

I have to add though, that this isn`t really because of my avoidant personality alone, it is more so that this is a side effect of a recently diagnosed extra burden, borderline personality disorder. It only came to the surface last few years, because before that I have lived in a cave with pretty much no social interaction.

 

[Earthcircle]

I am 49, and not being in a relationship or having any kind of family makes me feel like quite a failure. It's also very frustrating after all the time and energy I put into therapy years ago. That makes me feel like a double failure.

 

[Earthcircle]

well tbh in my experience, the harder i tried it never made socializing 'easier' or more enjoyable, i would just feel strained and then become confused as to why i wasnt getting a kick out of it like everyone else seemed to..the only 2 things i did seem to get out of socializing is improved social skills and the feeling that i was more 'normal'..i never got to the point where i anticipated socializing and really enjoyed it..

Yeah, I forced myself to socialize many times on the assumption that this was how a person learns to socialize. I don't think it worked. I would often offend people without meaning and, very often, without even knowing why.

 

[Silatuyok]

I'm pretty new to the 30s scene, but I think that my past couple of years have been a good mixture of progress and self-acceptance. I have learned to socialize well enough to get through my day to day life without too much anxiety. I have even learned how to go to the occasional party or social function without having a panic attack. But I have also come to accept that, given the choice, 99 times out of 100 I will choose to stay at home and have a quiet night to myself. I no longer feel obligated to be social, but I recognize the need to do unpleasant things sometimes, and I am able now to do it with a genuine smile on my face.

 

[Opaline]

I'm pretty new to the 30s scene, but I think that my past couple of years have been a good mixture of progress and self-acceptance. I have learned to socialize well enough to get through my day to day life without too much anxiety. I have even learned how to go to the occasional party or social function without having a panic attack. But I have also come to accept that, given the choice, 99 times out of 100 I will choose to stay at home and have a quiet night to myself. I no longer feel obligated to be social, but I recognize the need to do unpleasant things sometimes, and I am able now to do it with a genuine smile on my face.

That's really good. I think that's a good place to be. And within 5 years I think you'll make even more progress and feel even more peaceful about yourself, if you continue in the same way. So by the time you've reached a certain age and you look back on your life's accomplishments, you can probably say, I did well. I fought social anxiety and I overcame most of it and I made peace with myself.

Was that corny? Oh well, I'm serious

 

[Silatuyok]

That's really good. I think that's a good place to be. And within 5 years I think you'll make even more progress and feel even more peaceful about yourself, if you continue in the same way. So by the time you've reached a certain age and you look back on your life's accomplishments, you can probably say, I did well. I fought social anxiety and I overcame most of it and I made peace with myself.

Was that corny? Oh well, I'm serious

Thank you. I do feel like I'm in a good place, though I continue to challenge myself so that I don't get too complacent.

 

[dottie]

@naesala agreed. The acceptance of our shortcomings kind of settles in with time.

Feelings of progress and bouts of avoidance come in waves (sometimes influenced by outside circumstances, even as seemingly insignificant as the weather). We will still experience days of defeat, kicks in the stomach... but the progress is in the perseverance.

 

[Kiwong]

The sun coming up on another day.

 

[nothingmuch]

I've enjoyed reading everybody else's posts. Some things remind me of myself.

I'm in my late 40's. I've never had a romantic relationship, and that no longer bothers me. I have no friends, but that doesn't bother me either. My biggest problem is my job. My brother and I own a small business. Both of us are awkward socially. I'm supposed to manage people, chat with customers, meet with vendors, etc., but I tend to hide-away in a back office and delegate these responsibilities to an employee who has extremely high self-confidence. So this employee becomes the defacto manager and I feel worthless. (I used to be a software engineer, and that was a better match for my personality and aptitude. Unfortunately I became so depressed that I ruined my career.) I no longer have any goals except to get through each week and continue living until my mother and my cat are gone. Then I hope to die from something quick rather than wasting away in a nursing home for years.

So in summary, I feel less pain than when I was younger, but only because I've become numb.

 

[bsammy]

I've enjoyed reading everybody else's posts. Some things remind me of myself.

I'm in my late 40's. I've never had a romantic relationship, and that no longer bothers me. I have no friends, but that doesn't bother me either. My biggest problem is my job. My brother and I own a small business. Both of us are awkward socially. I'm supposed to manage people, chat with customers, meet with vendors, etc., but I tend to hide-away in a back office and delegate these responsibilities to an employee who has extremely high self-confidence. So this employee becomes the defacto manager and I feel worthless. (I used to be a software engineer, and that was a better match for my personality and aptitude. Unfortunately I became so depressed that I ruined my career.) I no longer have any goals except to get through each week and continue living until my mother and my cat are gone. Then I hope to die from something quick rather than wasting away in a nursing home for years.

So in summary, I feel less pain than when I was younger, but only because I've become numb.

i can definitely identify with not having any goals and just living for the sake of living, getting through the week..living up untila pet dies, then calling it a day..this has been my reality the past 5-10 or so years..

i dont know if numb fits me, more like blank, theres just nothing there anymore..

 

[Gieky]

<please delete this post>

 

[MollyBeGood]

I agree with progress being "acceptance" Accepting who you are does get easier with age as there is less peer pressure like there was in school and college. You don't stick out as much it's true, and you're a real adult so you can take credit for who you have become unlike when you lived under your parents rule and their situation/circumstances dictated your every move.
Taking credit for who you are is also scary as hell since you have to face yourself for the first time, and low and behold, you're a recluse like me, for example...Well honestly I was headed that way my whole life, I used to dream about living in the middle of "no where" now I do, so it's no shocker.
I still hate with every fiber having to be social at parties for example, I will avoid it since it's not worth the anxiety-the payoff is nothing usually so I don't force myself to do it anymore. People are social so they can better there financial and societal positions-both of those things I hate, or they want to brag and show off..also not my cup of tea. It's all about using people to get what you want, which is why I stay away from it as much as I can.
Progress too is I do keep trying, since I have become pretty avoidant I can still hop on an airplane and go to another city, I did it last week, but I still would rather stay home in my comfort zone. I am always better for the experience and I can add it to my list of accomplishments. I know I can do it all if I want to. There just has to be the want. I can do mind over matter and come out ok, and that feels good. I still have serious issues with society and being a "social" animal which I am clearly not, and that's ok.
(I tried to indent my paragraphs but it didn't let me for some reason..)

 

[Luckylife]

Progress after 30? I think I have made more progress after than before principally because I recognised the condition! In my 20's I thought 'everyone is like this' ...how familiar... I have to say that whenever I consider relationships what bothers me most is health, by that I mean I don't drink to excess nor do party drugs, I have a healthy diet and keep in good shape, natch this is not to everyones taste. The older I get the more it means to me, and lets face it, its easy to let it all go at a fairly young age. Some years back I decided to work on health, do things like long distance running and eat well. Making friends is tricky plus the values are all adrift, they want to stay out late and party, I'm tucked up in bed by 10:30. Now add all this up and the one thing it makes me is pretty tough and I can be rather cruel when 'assessing' a friend. Usually the AvPD personality doesn't develop in a social scene but if we hang out just because we can and pass that instant judgement of body form as an extension of their personality, then friends are few and far between. But I've been at this for so long it doesn't bother me greatly to be a loner, I accept it is irrational, its just difficult to do much about it. A girlfriend always wants to know your friends but I don't really have close male friends, only small chat aquaintances. I totally keep my distance from other males and if I don't then after a few minutes on come the sensory halucinations of odour, image and sexual innuendo which I abhor. The one thing I will add is it seems to me that an AvPD has a distinct lack of Super-ego (Freud) and just might go some way to explain why they socially avoid, fear of shame etc. Perhaps I'll start a new thread on that.

 

[Richey]

(This is just from my experiences post 30) ...(BTW, you still feel and look mid 20s when you reach 30.)

Its a lot harder starting things at 30+

e.g. (Starting a new job in a department where the 22 year old becomes a manager and you are simply trying your hardest to stay in the high pressure job, so noticing people a lot younger progressing quicker is not easy, this is where strength of personality is way more powerful then age).

You feel too old to seek new connections as many other 30+ year olds have lived fulfilling lives. Many people you could seek friendships with are at the point of owning a house, have had kids, might have divorced or not, are now higher up in their careers so have much higher standards in other people as well, are a bit more superficial...

Yeah they are a bit more relaxed but they've generally progressed and they do not respect people who haven't progressed, a lot of the time, people are gossipy, superficial, competitive, its not something you want to admit to people, though most will probably figure it out by your personal status anyway, a harsh reality to deal with.

So its way harder after 30, although it depends on your mindset.

It doesn't get easier, it gets harder..

My advice to anyone here is to start trying things out between 20 and 30, get as much done as you can.

Regrets are horrible. To me it feels like an ongoing nightmare.