30 and never had girlfriend i had enough

[A friend]

I can relate to all written here; in similar situation (near 30), and the word NEVER is the no.1 in the Girlfriend's Charts for all the 29 years of my life. ::

Most people say: don't search love because love will find you... And the result is... here. :: I agree with the last comment, you need first to be active in the activities you are interested in.

I think a good idea would be to work on your internal repairs, making it so you have the physical and mental health to support such a relationship.

And a job, a job that makes a good amount of money.

As far as I am concerned, I feel I am trapped in my mindset, so do you think I need some professional help with it:

1. Low self-esteem. If I decide to maybe ask a girl for a date or for a coffee, I think this will be an insult for her, because I feel ugly, boring, etc.

Probably not, if you keep your feelings for her a secret, she might not be frightened/offended.

2. At the same time I think I deserve only girls which I find unattractive (I don't mean only in physical way).

How are you going to be happy if you end up with a horrible woman in your life?

3. So what right do I have to dream about having a gf, a gf I want to be in love with, if i think deserve only the girls who I would not be interested in?
My wish is to be in love with a gf and that she would be in love with me. But this is impossiblee.

I felt that way too, but....

I think a relationship should be about the other person, not really yourself.

If I had a girlfriend, I wouldn't really ask her for anything, I'd focus on making her happy.

4. I feel I don't have anything to offer, no added value. I think of countries. If they want to make themselves proud, they tend to be more nationalistic, they promote the culture, its history. My social history is not blank, but in comparison to others, my colleagues, it feels so.

That is just your past, why should it have any value now? What does it matter if your social history is blank?

If anyone judges you because of that, then they should be the ones that are slowly being burned away by the damage that your SA is causing you.

5. Although having a job involving people (public admin), my SP problems have not yet gone. Shyness is killing me.

That has the potential to ruin one's life. I hope you get rid of that problem soon.

6. If I have been alone for almost 30 years, what will guarantee me that the next 10 years will be different.


Bye and all the best.

Don't get upset because of this.

Being single shouldn't be ruining your life. Even some people that are considered to be "perfectly normal" live for decades without finding a lover.

You are not a freak or a loser for being single all your life. Being lonely is a horrible thing to go through, but you can't change that now.

Don't obsess on finding a love life, focus on what needs to be done right now, and live your life as it is.

Love can't improve your life if it's already a wreck.

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

Well... I know it sounds really cliche but there is someone out there for everyone. Some people have an easier time finding their soulmate while others take much longer. It could take years and years to decades. I think of it this way though: the longer you go without a significant other, the better that special person will be once you actually run into them.

 

[A friend]

The real issue here isn't really pursuing a soulmate though, it's solving the depression/loneliness problem.

Having a girlfriend/wife seems to be the only cure for most individuals who have that problem.

The other cures seem to be unknown and far too out of reach.

 

[Hastings & Main]

Well... I know it sounds really cliche but there is someone out there for everyone. Some people have an easier time finding their soulmate while others take much longer. It could take years and years to decades. I think of it this way though: the longer you go without a significant other, the better that special person will be once you actually run into them.

And the longer we go mulling over our problems quietly in our rooms without addressing them properly the longer we stay the same and the longer we stay alone...


Personally, I think - with now over 7 billion humans on this planet (with more women than men) - there is more than one 'someone' for each of us.
They're hanging out at a cafe in Montemarte, at school in Munich, down the street in Elbow, watching TV in Altoona, at a club in Peru somewhere, taking their cat in to a vet in Toronto, sleeping in Detroit...

You've most likely passed up one of your soulmates on the street, not even knowing it. That kind of thinking - that I missed my chance (even tho' I know for near certain I missed one chance several years ago) - used to stress me out, but as you get older you realize that there is no 'perfect' someone for you out there.

Meaning, there are LOTS (even if you have standards and likings that can hardly be budged) of men/women wandering around with your name on their lips. Once you meet them and (if) your feelings deepen, they sort of 'round-out' to be your perfect match as you learn more about each other.

A first step to take is flipping the feeling of depression around, from sitting alone 'studying' how alone you are, to thinking forward: "Someday I'm not going to be like this...". So start now, go out and fail and try again.

 

[coyote]

...So start now, go out and fail and try again.

yes - because no matter the outcome, each encounter will build experience

and the next one will be that much easier, and the next, and the next....

in fact - the more you fail, the greater your eventual success will be

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

And the longer we go mulling over our problems quietly in our rooms without addressing them properly the longer we stay the same and the longer we stay alone...

Personally, I think - with now over 7 billion humans on this planet (with more women than men) - there is more than one 'someone' for each of us.
They're hanging out at a cafe in Montemarte, at school in Munich, down the street in Elbow, watching TV in Altoona, at a club in Peru somewhere, taking their cat in to a vet in Toronto, sleeping in Detroit...

You've most likely passed up one of your soulmates on the street, not even knowing it. That kind of thinking - that I missed my chance (even tho' I know for near certain I missed one chance several years ago) - used to stress me out, but as you get older you realize that there is no 'perfect' someone for you out there.

Meaning, there are LOTS (even if you have standards and likings that can hardly be budged) of men/women wandering around with your name on their lips. Once you meet them and (if) your feelings deepen, they sort of 'round-out' to be your perfect match as you learn more about each other.

A first step to take is flipping the feeling of depression around, from sitting alone 'studying' how alone you are, to thinking forward: "Someday I'm not going to be like this...". So start now, go out and fail and try again.

Yes, the whole soul mate thing does make it seem like you could miss your one and only chance at love. Really good suggestions in your post. Sometimes I wonder if the person I am with right now is the person I am supposed to end up with. I find my eye wandering every chance I get.

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

You'd go out with a girl who isn't completely perfect and stunning, wouldn't you? Women are no different on the whole.
Unless you find a completely boring shallow one. In which case, it's no loss,is it?

I always feel like that "boring and shallow one." LOL...but I do, I do. And it is not funny actually, um.

I am quite lax on the whole looks things. I could usually find something I like about a person. As long as I am attracted to the person of course.

 

[userremoved]

Yes, the whole soul mate thing does make it seem like you could miss your one and only chance at love. Really good suggestions in your post. Sometimes I wonder if the person I am with right now is the person I am supposed to end up with. I find my eye wandering every chance I get.

Just be happy you're found someone and you two dont want to kill each other at the end of the day lol. A lot of people dont

 

[Sial Axetder]

It is unfortunate that our minds are far beyond our emotions, wants and desires. Tied down by what is illogical.

Long and hard I have fought to ignore illogical emotion to force mind, logic into control. It cannot be done. Logical and illogical are one.

elm, seems you are trying. Keep trying. Be open and do not narrow you wants and desires. Send your self hate elsewhere. After all you're living a life of misery. Living a life you never asked for. I know of One that I can blame. Send those thoughts to where you think they belong. Then move on.

 

[Silatuyok]

am 30 and never kissed a girl, held hands or done anything like a normal guy would do, i have done everything i could to attract girls, i try to talk to them, but they just seem to ignore me, u could see from their face they make strange face when they see me, i have seen many ugly guys with girls, but i just dont get it, why dont want to know me, yes am bald and wear glasses, i maybe ugly but not that ugly that no girl ever want to know me.i just had enough i dont think there is any girl in this world that is made for me. anyone else here have the same problem, would luv to hear makes me feel better, thats its not only me in this world who is so ugly not to have a girl like me.

I know some people who are very dear to me and who I think are very wonderful people, but for some reason they cannot seem to attract anyone to them. It is a mystery to me. I guess what I am trying to say is, sometimes it doesn't matter what your personality is or what you look like, so not having a girl does not automatically make you ugly or less of a person in any way. I can't explain it, but I can say from personal experience that I know some really wonderful and beautiful people who just seem to be out of luck when it comes to attracting a mate. I don't know if that helps at all but it is my observation.

 

[Sial Axetder]

I know some people who are very dear to me and who I think are very wonderful people, but for some reason they cannot seem to attract anyone to them. It is a mystery to me. I guess what I am trying to say is, sometimes it doesn't matter what your personality is or what you look like, so not having a girl does not automatically make you ugly or less of a person in any way. I can't explain it, but I can say from personal experience that I know some really wonderful and beautiful people who just seem to be out of luck when it comes to attracting a mate. I don't know if that helps at all but it is my observation.

Quite the observation. An observation that is borderline with; useless to even try because some are out of luck. Luck has got nothing to do with it.

It's all about choice. They are wonderful by choice. They hide by choice. They do not pursue by choice.

Marie, I am sorry to, as they say, pick a bone with you or is that the wrong expression? I felt your observation(s) depressive and not at all will one with troubles feel well with knowledge that they are simply unlucky and stuck there. The truth is choice.

 

[JamesSmith]

The advice coyote says makes perfect sense, and I agree with everything he said. It's just, I never can get the courage to even hang out with my friends. I don't like going out. I don't like being around people in most cases, especially where I have to meet new people. I'm uncomfortable around my friends, friends that I've known for years.

I can't deny that there is a biological desire to find a g/f, connect with her, and yes, have sex with her. Every heterosexual male has that, as do I. But that desire isn't strong enough. My life is easy now. There is no social pressure to meet anyone because I don't go out anymore. I've got a job, and I've got stuff to do.

I've done the going out to parties and clubs thing. In fact, there was a 3 year span where I went to over 50 parties. Most of the time I felt very out of place at these parties. It was a constant struggle to just be there. I felt very uncomfortable, anxious and bored the majority of the time. I didn't connect with many people at all. Even when I was talking to people, I struggled to connect with them. Conversations with women usually died after a few seconds.

Change is necessary as someone said before, it's mandatory, in fact, if anyone who is always alone, if they want to find a mate. They must change their life and start being around people. It's a simple solution on paper. Doing it, though, has more to it. Many people on here, especially myself, just plain don't like being around people.

I have two options. Either try to be around people more, which would be a lot harder on me because it makes me feel uncomfortable and bored when I'm around people usually. My other option is doing what I have been doing, hanging out by myself. An easier solution with less boredom and anxiety. More loneliness perhaps, but then again, I've never felt as lonely as I did when I was around people and alone.

As you can see, my problem is actually more complicated than just attaining the courage to go out and meet people. There's a giant issue with me not liking being around people that is standing in my way as well.

It's very depressing. Either route I take, there are problems that make me feel bad. The going out has more extreme bad feelings.

 

[ks7]

Have any of you ever used, or would you ever consider using sex workers (I hate the word prostitute)? I finally gave in and had my first experience in Amsterdam, where it is legal, at the age of 32 or 33. While I have found street hookers to generally be unpleasant experiences, I have had some good experiences at massage parlors. I have also become a sort of veteran of gentlemens clubs. These can get to be expensive hobbies, but they have provided me with some experience and enjoyment. I am now 51, still single, and have had no real relationship. However, I feel that these experiences have lifted my confidence enough, that I have still not given up hope on finding someone. Does anyone find these so morally wrong that they will not participate in them? Dr. Gilmartin seems to suggest this is the case. I find his findings hard to believe, that people would put their high moral standards above doing anything to get some sexual experience.

 

[Mickery]

I'm sure many people would find 51 without a real past relationship equally hard to believe. The world is a big place with a lot of room for variety. I'm not that inclined to consider it myself for a few reasons, among them that I'm sure I would use it as a way to avoid tackling the real issue.