How are you feeling?

[BlueDays]

I've been lifting weights trying to get in shape and feel paranoid about my muscle growth. My arms look too masculine and now I'm concerned about the amount of testosterone in my body - ****. Both of my parents are former bodybuilders, so maybe my ability to put on muscle like that is genetic? God, I hope so - I really don't want to look like a man

Could you purchase a good push-up-bra? If you accentuate your mammary glands then you can worry less about any muscle growth in your arms causing you to be mistaken for a man. :thumbup:
Wearing clothing with a belt around your waist might help to make your wider female hips to stand out more too.

 

[theslowesthand]

Spent the whole day listening to NWOBM and 80s thrash metal music today, make o' that what ye will. Oh Gawd, I'm becoming just like slowesthand.

Well, i don't listen to too much thrash/metal, as it can get "too much", esp for a whole day - i'd never do that. At present i'm mainly into instrumental stoner/psychedelic rock/metal, with a touch of doom/thrash - that's a genre that seems to fit most of my music needs. :thumbup:

 

[GraybeardGhost]

I cannot breathe for the darkness inside my chest, for the black fist clutching my lungs and crushing all hope from my heart. I cannot breathe for the hand that squeezes my throat, nor see beyond the blackness before my eyes where once all futures lay.

 

[Megaten]

I've been lifting weights trying to get in shape and feel paranoid about my muscle growth. My arms look too masculine and now I'm concerned about the amount of testosterone in my body - ****. Both of my parents are former bodybuilders, so maybe my ability to put on muscle like that is genetic? God, I hope so - I really don't want to look like a man

I wish i had your genes then so i could put fools in their place.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExitLAP6F9U

 

[Sarah_M]

Could you purchase a good push-up-bra? If you accentuate your mammary glands then you can worry less about any muscle growth in your arms causing you to be mistaken for a man. :thumbup:
Wearing clothing with a belt around your waist might help to make your wider female hips to stand out more too.

Thank you for the advice! I actually have large mammary glands lol. Luckily, I have never been mistaken for a man - I just have broad shoulders/kind of muscular arms. I think I was just being paranoid which is what I do best :thumbup:

 

[Sarah_M]

I wish i had your genes then so i could put fools in their place.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExitLAP6F9U

That looks just like me!

 

[defiance]

I cannot breathe for the darkness inside my chest, for the black fist clutching my lungs and crushing all hope from my heart. I cannot breathe for the hand that squeezes my throat, nor see beyond the blackness before my eyes where once all futures lay.

Wow man. You articulated so well what I feel almost on a daily basis. :sad:

 

[Marc7]

Indeed! But I've come to terms with it, somewhat.

That's good.

Well, they seem to think I have it easy in life. They keep saying that they know how difficult life must be for me at times. Yet, are cold and distance whenever I tried to explain just how tough it really is for me. My Mum has told me frequently that my physical disability is no reason for me to be depressed. And that me saying I feel depressed and anxious... Those are just excuses I use so I can be lazy.

I understand I have a family member tell me that I am lazy when I say I have no motivation. Is that the reason you are depressed due to your physical disability? Just curious.

If only I could, but it's not that easy. Mainly because I'm usually scapegoated or manipulated by my family to the point where I feel I have to apologise.

Just try and see what happens.

Oops! typing error, that should've said couldn't, there. h:

Oh I figured that.

The awkward interaction, and long silences on my part. Keep in mind, this was every visit my dad made to the house. So, if he didn't know what mum had told me about him, then I'd be surprised. The past domestic abuse was very much the elephant in the room.

Plus, my mum started going off on these embittered rants a year after my dad came back into my life. Why? Because adolescent me made the stupid mistake of asking her if she thought I'd ever get a girlfriend, someday.

So he knew by your long silences and awkward interaction? i guess he know knows what he did to her.

Was he in the presence while she went on these rants?

Both! To an extend, at least. My dad did bring a couple of step-siblings by on one occasions, but they sat in the car for duration of my dad's visit. Only came in to say a brief hello before my day left. It was quite awkward.

But, no, I've visited my dad's side of the family.

So you met them a couple of times but it was very brief?

Oh.

Okay. :thumbup:

I got your new message.

 

[defiance]

So I have to call about a job in a little. The thought of it sent my anxiety and fear through the roof. Just the thought of it made me light headed and I felt like throwing up and other stomach issues that come along with it, sorry if that's too much detail. My body also went cold and then numb. Then I started feeling suicidal again. Keep in mind I am only talking about the thought of calling someone for a job not actually talking to them:kickingmyself:. This is why I have lost all hope. My last 14 hours have been so intense over a thought of having to talk to someone over the phone for a job. FML MAN JUST FML.:crying::crying:


Update: Called the place and now I am worse than I was before. I can't breathe my body feels like it is shutting down. A simple phone call did this to me. A person like me is supposed to survive in the real world how exactly?:crying:

 

[Hot_Tamale]

Update: Called the place and now I am worse than I was before. I can't breathe my body feels like it is shutting down. A simple phone call did this to me. A person like me is supposed to survive in the real world how exactly?:crying:

Congratulations on stepping out of your comfort zone! If you do it more often then it'll become easier for you. It took me ~6 yrs. to drive by myself on the freeway for the first time after I first got my license. I don't like doing it because it still scares me but not as much anymore.

 

[defiance]

Congratulations on stepping out of your comfort zone! If you do it more often then it'll become easier for you. It took me ~6 yrs. to drive by myself on the freeway for the first time after I first got my license. I don't like doing it because it still scares me but not as much anymore.

The problem with me is that it rarely gets any easier with repetition. If it did then I would agree but these ******* demons of mine won't allow me to make that progress regardless of how many times I try. It frustrates the living hell out of me when you do the right things and yet not even a little progress is made. But I will keep on trying because I don't have a choice really.

 

[Sarah_M]

So I have to call about a job in a little. The thought of it sent my anxiety and fear through the roof. Just the thought of it made me light headed and I felt like throwing up and other stomach issues that come along with it, sorry if that's too much detail. My body also went cold and then numb. Then I started feeling suicidal again. Keep in mind I am only talking about the thought of calling someone for a job not actually talking to them:kickingmyself:. This is why I have lost all hope. My last 14 hours have been so intense over a thought of having to talk to someone over the phone for a job. FML MAN JUST FML.:crying::crying:


Update: Called the place and now I am worse than I was before. I can't breathe my body feels like it is shutting down. A simple phone call did this to me. A person like me is supposed to survive in the real world how exactly?:crying:

I know exactly how you feel and good job on making that phone call! Practice breathing - I know it sounds silly, but it helps me A LOT. Take a deep breath through your nose from your diaphragm (not your chest), hold it and release out your mouth - do this a couple times until you feel more relaxed.

I wrote a note for myself and taped it to my mirror in the bathroom - it's like a mantra and I read it everyday.
It says:
"Remember: everyday is a new day and a chance to start over, but without consistent effort, each day will remain the same.
You are smart
you are brave
you are capable of great things - all you have to do is TRY."
Reading this or reciting it before I do something that scares me gives me the courage to do it because I don't want to be stuck where I am now in 10 years - I want to flourish, but doing so requires both bravery and effort.

 

[defiance]

I know exactly how you feel and good job on making that phone call! Practice breathing - I know it sounds silly, but it helps me A LOT. Take a deep breath through your nose from your diaphragm (not your chest), hold it and release out your mouth - do this a couple times until you feel more relaxed.

I wrote a note for myself and taped it to my mirror in the bathroom - it's like a mantra and I read it everyday.
It says:
"Remember: everyday is a new day and a chance to start over, but without consistent effort, each day will remain the same.
You are smart
you are brave
you are capable of great things - all you have to do is TRY."
Reading this or reciting it before I do something that scares me gives me the courage to do it because I don't want to be stuck where I am now in 10 years - I want to flourish, but doing so requires both bravery and effort.

Thank you Sarah. I might have to borrow your mantra just to see how it affects me. It is very frustrating being the age that I am and still feeling like I am learning what someone who is 13 already knows.

 

[theslowesthand]

When i had my panic attack, i recited a simple mantra 'positive, positive, good, good'. After 20-30 mins i had my symptoms under control. I did also have severe depression at the time, so maybe all that negativity (along with overdosing on meds & alcohol) triggered the attack? The more positive you are, i suppose the less anxiety there is? (& the less likelihood of a panic attack?)

 

[defiance]

It's funny in a way. I looked into the mirror today and I felt like I wasn't looking at myself. I saw in the mirror someone over thirty and yet I couldn't be this person because mentally I feel like I am still 12. It's just weird to me I don't know. It's me but its not. Just more rambling. Aside from that still feeling horrible that I have done nothing with my life thought I will keep trying as best as I can I suppose.:idontknow:

 

[Megaten]

So flipping bored.

Sent from my XT1650 using Tapatalk

 

[awkwardamanda]

Tired.

So flipping bored.

And that.

 

[theslowesthand]

Aside from that still feeling horrible that I have done nothing with my life thought I will keep trying as best as I can I suppose.:idontknow:

I feel the same way. I just "keep trucking on" despite there being almost no hope left of improving my life. I don't know why. I guess there must be still a glimmer of hope left? Or i'm a bit too attached to living & fear of dying?

 

[Graeme1988]

Mixed feeling really. Anxious about going to a concert tomorrow in the wake of what the Manchester tragedy. Not gonnae lie, I'm shitting it - tense as f**k.

But other than that it's the usual frustration that comes with living with a parent who refuses to communicate like everybuddy else, as well as being someone who shows a clear lack of empathy towards those who aren't female. That's as nicely as phrase it.

Oh, and I'm get sick of the fact that my mum thinks it's high-f**kin'-larious to respond with a smart-arsed, blantantly obvious answer whenever I ask her what she's doing, or what she's watching on the telly. So much for small talk? See why I have - to quote my oldest sibling - "anti-social tendencies" ? But no, sarcasm every feckin' time. :kickingmyself:

At least I'll give ye a straight, honest answer - even if ye want to judge me for it. Yet, my mum still refuses to acknowledge the fact that this attitude of hers is very much the reason why I rarely speak to her in the last 12 years.

 

[Hot_Tamale]

I took several counseling courses for my degree these past few semesters and the field talks about there being 2 versions of ourselves, one that obeys societal norms & one that doesn't. It's nice to know the other troublemaking half of my self, if I can call it that, still exists inside of me. I mean that with all of the sarcasm in the world. I feel like a kicked cow pie in summer.