Bitter about being unattractive

[recluse]

I don't think it matters how you actually look, really.
Some of the most 'attractive' people in Hollywood or even down the street don't think much of themselves no matter how much positive attention they get.
Know why?
Because there is always negative attention-- whether it's actually true or just a jealous person being an ass to make themselves feel better; won't matter how graced you are with looks or how nicely you dress there will always be someone around to say you look ugly.
Those negative comments tend to weigh alot more than any positive ones and people often won't bother with positive comments because they'll assume the person must be confident already; since they perceive them to be beautiful.

I have been called ugly at every stage in my life; constantly.
Ever since starting preschool, I was called ugly and stupid every day by classmates, so I grew up believing it.
Though a different traumatic event later on in life has perhaps caused me to become body dysmorphic, I can't recall any time in my life where I was comfortable or satisfied with my own body.

What you believe in is what powers your self esteem.
If you believe you are hideous; it won't matter how many people tell you otherwise-- you will be stuck in a downward spiral.
If you believe you are awesome; even if every other person around you were to call you unattractive-- chances are, you'd shrug it off and just keep on believing in yourself.

I don't know how to climb out of the self deprecating pit of despair, really... just felt I should point it out.
haha

Also, recluse
Your picture reminds me so much of Andy Serkis who happens to be a man I really admire. Just thought I'd put that out there, too!

So i look like Gollum? Grrrreeeeaatttttttt!

 

[hidwell]

So i look like Gollum? Grrrreeeeaatttttttt!

What's wrong with Gollum.

 

[recluse]

This isn't some fairy tale world where the nerd/loser/whatever gets the girl just because they are nice and kind. That kind of thing rarely happens in real life.

That kind of crap only happens in films, usually after the woman has been dumped by her ''hot'' guy and she goes back to her ''nice guy'' she rejected in the first place. The nice guy is usually kept aside incase something goes wrong.

 

[Azael]

The problem is that too many people here are equating inexperience with unattractiveness. The two are completely unrelated. The fact that you haven't done enough work to find others who validate you and find you attractive says nothing about your actual desirability. Your minds translate "I haven't had any luck with the opposite sex" into "I must be heinous" but again, they have nothing to do with each other. If you spend your days at home on the PC, of course you're not going to get anywhere. The only answer is to get out there and keep trying in the real world. Of course that's easier said than done, but the point is, everyone goes through a number of rejections and failures before they find someone who appreciates them.

A non-anxious person may try to find someone 10 times a year, with maybe 1 success out of the 10. But someone with SA may only have tried 4 or 5 times in their entire life - with a big fat zero to show for it. That's the problem - it's a numbers game, and that is true for everyone. If you don't give yourself more chances, of course you're not going to get anywhere. But understand that it has very little to do with how attractive you actually are.

The thing is that I am not interested in finding that, supposed, "special someone". I would just like to be treated like a human being on the basis of how I treat others. I don't think I'm asking for too much.

 

[Azael]

That kind of crap only happens in films, usually after the woman has been dumped by her ''hot'' guy and she goes back to her ''nice guy'' she rejected in the first place. The nice guy is usually kept aside incase something goes wrong.

It's very sad that a lot of women, and men, repeatedly bash their head against a brick wall before considering a re-think in priority. It does happen in real life. Quite often after wasting their lives on a loser. Very sad.

 

[Mickery]

What if my belief is justified?

Well, what if it is? You see people with dwarfism, or serious burns, or something. You might say a belief in physical defect is justified there, but they don't effectively end their life experiences because of it. Whether you have something real to base your fears on is not important, what matters is that you are grossly over-estimating the consequences of what you believe your problem to be, and, in turn, creating consequences of your own, projecting your own beliefs onto others, lots of stuff that's common to ordinary SA.

What you need to do is work on identifying behaviors that perpetuate this erroneous pattern of thoughts, then prevent yourself from carrying out that behavior. For instance: if you check your appearance in mirrors very frequently, cover mirrors unless absolutely necessary. This is a simple example of behavioural therapy, whereby stopping behavior (however slowly you are comfortable with) that is allowing problems to continue trickles through to thinking itself. It breaks the vicious circle.

 

[Azael]

Well, what if it is? You see people with dwarfism, or serious burns, or something. You might say a belief in physical defect is justified there, but they don't effectively end their life experiences because of it. Whether you have something real to base your fears on is not important, what matters is that you are grossly over-estimating the consequences of what you believe your problem to be, and, in turn, creating consequences of your own, projecting your own beliefs onto others, lots of stuff that's common to ordinary SA.

What you need to do is work on identifying behaviors that perpetuate this erroneous pattern of thoughts, then prevent yourself from carrying out that behavior. For instance: if you check your appearance in mirrors very frequently, cover mirrors unless absolutely necessary. This is a simple example of behavioural therapy, whereby stopping behavior (however slowly you are comfortable with) that is allowing problems to continue trickles through to thinking itself. It breaks the vicious circle.

Not everyone can overcome those circumstances. Some people are more than capable of accepting things and other never will. I for one can never accept a real defect. It's as plain and simple as that. It's something that is there, it's something that has a real impact on my life and is affecting how others are treating me which in turn affects how I feel. To tell someone to put on a big smile and be happy can come across as being insulting. If you have something tangible which is affecting you then virtually all forms of thinking strategies are useless. They then rely exclusively on your ability to lie to yourself and believe that it isn't important when in fact it is. I simply cannot do that.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

So i look like Gollum? Grrrreeeeaatttttttt!

It's not like Andy just had some makeup done or woke up and rolled out of bed and looked like Gollum...
He's a top grade motion capture actor- SO talented.
Gollum is a CG character. Not Andy.

Sorry if I've offended you, but I seriously like Andy Serkis and thought from a single photo that you looked alike.

 

[new account]

I could be wrong since all I see is one picture, but the topic creator seems to look like an ultra stylish person that you would see in a city and if you then went on an island, you would find that guy right there again. I get the feeling that he would be on a mission to find some mysterious buried tomb from ten thousand years ago. I get the feeling that if I saw him in person, I would feel inferior since he would be typing a message on a laptop in a public place and I would think that he is gaining access to government files in order to sell them and make ten million dollars. Not only that, but while typing with one hand, he would be drinking water with the other hand since he doesn't believe that caffeine is healthy. He would be the only person that ordered water. He would be the only person wearing an antique watch.

 

[MollyBeGood]

Imho the world would be a much much better place if we all focused on our selves inside-heart and mind and soul and gave up the whole need to look and be perfect fantasy. People who obsess about their looks are shallow and looks always fade so you are left with what? Look for people who love you for who you are on the inside. What if you look great now and then you gain 50 lbs because of a health issue and the shallow person who loved you because of your looks leaves you? happens all the time... I really admire people who don't give a f*** about their looks. Though they are very rare. I think a woman who is larger than average for ex is far more beautiful if she is happy and loves herself anyday over one who is Kate Moss thin and all drugged up and anorexic. We as a society really idealize the worst people for the stupidest reasons.

 

[Felgen]

Anyone else bitter over being unattractive? I think a huge part of my depression and social anxiety is being totally unhappy with the way i look. I exercise often and i am in pretty reasonable shape, but i can't find anything about me i think people would find attractive.

I pretty much hate everything about my face. I also look pasty and ill, but i'm not going to go under a sun bed because i find sunbed tans horrible.

Before i post my pic on this and other sites i take lots and lots in the vain attempt to look better(as if i'll look like Brad Pitt lol!), different settings on my camera etc but i still end up looking the same.

I've had people say that i have nice eyes and nice lips, but it's not enough for me to feel attractive....It kind of sounds like ''You are ugly but atleast you have nice eyes'' except they don't say the ugly part in my face.

I also get the ''nice guy'' thing a lot but my bitterness is making me a horrible person, so i don't even have that to fall back on. I've lost most of my sense of humour which makes me more unattractive still, humour being an attractive trait.

When i hear women talking about how attractive a certain guy is i feel pain because i know i won't get that kind of attention ever.

So yeah my lack of physicall attractiveness is a probably 90% a factor in my social anxiety, depression, fear of talking to women.

You look like a regular 30 year old man in my honest opinion. There's no ugly features about you that stick out.

 

[MikeyC]

I think a woman who is larger than average for ex is far more beautiful if she is happy and loves herself anyday over one who is Kate Moss thin and all drugged up and anorexic.

Anorexic girls are very unattractive to me. I feel like just giving them a cheeseburger sometimes. ::

 

[Kiwong]

I'll be honest, it is increasingly rare to see women portrayed accurately in media and advertising. So on the rare occasion you do see a woman with curves, it is very attractive and a pleasant surprise.

 

[rebyoo]

Do you think it's 'easier' (more socially acceptable?) to be unattractive as a boy or as a girl?

 

[twiggle]

I'll be honest, it is increasingly rare to see women portrayed accurately in media and advertising. So on the rare occasion you do see a woman with curves, it is very attractive and a pleasant surprise.

Very glad to hear that!

 

[AsTimeBurns]

Much easier for a girl I would have said, they can usually still stick on a load of make up and look alright. Men can't really do that..Well they could, but I don't imagine if they were trying to attract girls it would do them any favours.

 

[OceanMist]

Do you think it's 'easier' (more socially acceptable?) to be unattractive as a boy or as a girl?

I would definitely say it's easier being an unattractive woman.

Gender roles are set up so a woman both has the option of letting men approach her or she can do the approaching. For men, we usually have to do the approaching....especially if a guy is unattractive.

I've found that women tend to be way more judgmental of people, too. They are often gossip queens and not many of them want to speak to their friends about the unattractive guy they are dating.

What I mean by that is status is more important to most women. Part of status is social status, and part of high status relates to having a hot b/f whether we like it or not. Men tend to be more after sex than status. Generalizations, yeah, but mostly true.

 

[MikeyC]

I'll be honest, it is increasingly rare to see women portrayed accurately in media and advertising. So on the rare occasion you do see a woman with curves, it is very attractive and a pleasant surprise.

YES. A little bit of meat on the bones and some nice curves are really sexy. Some women seem to aspire to these stick-figures and it's sad.

Do you think it's 'easier' (more socially acceptable?) to be unattractive as a boy or as a girl?

As a boy, for sure. Women are based on how they look a lot more than men, which is really unfortunate and superficial, but that's how it is in this society. Is the media to blame? Maybe. Either way it sucks.

 

[MikeyC]

I've found that women tend to be way more judgmental of people, too. They are often gossip queens and not many of them want to speak to their friends about the unattractive guy they are dating.

While I'm not disputing this, men can be just as judgmental of people. I think the door swings both ways.

 

[OceanMist]

While I'm not disputing this, men can be just as judgmental of people. I think the door swings both ways.

It's true that men can be judgmental, but I don't think our gender is nearly as judgmental as a whole.

I think that many men are desperate. Gosh, I know that sounds messed up, but I really think it's true. The way gender roles are set up here in the USA and many other countries, bars and parties are often sausage fests, as is online dating.

It seems anytime there is a question of who has it easier, it's almost always women.

There is something that is programmed in men that says, sex, sex, sex. Most men listen to that urge.

Anytime I hear about a guy being a virgin it's usually because he hasn't even had a chance. When a woman is a virgin, it's because she turned guys down.