Bitter about being unattractive

[MikeyC]

I think that many men are desperate. Gosh, I know that sounds messed up, but I really think it's true. The way gender roles are set up here in the USA and many other countries, bars and parties are often sausage fests, as is online dating.

Sometimes that is true, but I've gone to bars and nightclubs and there can be a lot of girls out. I remember going to one where the ratio was more girls than guys. That was a good night for me.

It seems anytime there is a question of who has it easier, it's almost always women.

I always tend to disagree.

There is something that is programmed in men that says, sex, sex, sex. Most men listen to that urge.

I suppose, but it's up to the guy to control how strong the urge is. Some men love sex and want it all the time, others not so much. Women like sex, too!

Anytime I hear about a guy being a virgin it's usually because he hasn't even had a chance. When a woman is a virgin, it's because she turned guys down.

I'm a virgin and I've had numerous chances. It's not because I don't want to, it's just because I'm scared.

 

[Sial Axetder]

The trouble is a core psychological one. The mind chooses to see what it wants to see.
Thus if one says 'I am ugly' then one is ugly. No one can say otherwise or will be allowed to sway that view.

What instills this belief? Recluse has mentioned being labeled negatively by others in the past. Usually this is within childhood. Certainly a recent past time frame of continued negative treatment doesn't help.

Recluse there is no real clear answer for you or others. For one I feel much the same about me. Look back in your past and find the core reason why and how you began to view yourself the way you do. After that its up to you. I've been trying to read up on improving self-image and my inferiority complex. CBT may be a route.

 

[Waybuloo]

It's true that men can be judgmental, but I don't think our gender is nearly as judgmental as a whole.

I think that many men are desperate. Gosh, I know that sounds messed up, but I really think it's true. The way gender roles are set up here in the USA and many other countries, bars and parties are often sausage fests, as is online dating.

It seems anytime there is a question of who has it easier, it's almost always women.

There is something that is programmed in men that says, sex, sex, sex. Most men listen to that urge.

Anytime I hear about a guy being a virgin it's usually because he hasn't even had a chance. When a woman is a virgin, it's because she turned guys down.

Hmm, I would say that my looks have been judged slightly more by men than women. Negatively. Similarly I have been complimented more by women than by men by a long shot.

 

[Waybuloo]

It's true that men can be judgmental, but I don't think our gender is nearly as judgmental as a whole.

I think that many men are desperate. Gosh, I know that sounds messed up, but I really think it's true. The way gender roles are set up here in the USA and many other countries, bars and parties are often sausage fests, as is online dating.

It seems anytime there is a question of who has it easier, it's almost always women.

There is something that is programmed in men that says, sex, sex, sex. Most men listen to that urge.

Anytime I hear about a guy being a virgin it's usually because he hasn't even had a chance. When a woman is a virgin, it's because she turned guys down.[/QUOTE]

Without wanting to ignite the age old debate, I want to say my experience, which is that I have never been offered sex. So being a virgin was not my choice.

 

[Waybuloo]

Anorexic girls are very unattractive to me. I feel like just giving them a cheeseburger sometimes. ::

Pity you think that, as a psychological disorder made them that way. I doubt any offering of food is going to fix anything. Same goes for those who compulsively eat/comfort eat.

 

[Azael]

While I'm not disputing this, men can be just as judgmental of people. I think the door swings both ways.

Agreed, it does swing both ways. The most prominent thing to consider is that women are more vocal than men.

 

[Waybuloo]

I'll be honest, it is increasingly rare to see women portrayed accurately in media and advertising. So on the rare occasion you do see a woman with curves, it is very attractive and a pleasant surprise.

There are a lot of women with curves, in real life or on tv/in the media. Curves is having a defintive waist compared to hip, etc. Fat is another story.

 

[Azael]

It's true that men can be judgmental, but I don't think our gender is nearly as judgmental as a whole.

I think that many men are desperate. Gosh, I know that sounds messed up, but I really think it's true. The way gender roles are set up here in the USA and many other countries, bars and parties are often sausage fests, as is online dating.

It seems anytime there is a question of who has it easier, it's almost always women.

There is something that is programmed in men that says, sex, sex, sex. Most men listen to that urge.

Anytime I hear about a guy being a virgin it's usually because he hasn't even had a chance. When a woman is a virgin, it's because she turned guys down.[/QUOTE]

Without wanting to ignite the age old debate, I want to say my experience, which is that I have never been offered sex. So being a virgin was not my choice.

I have to strongly disagree with this being a men thing. Women are highly sexualised in the West in particular. The only difference between men and women regarding sex is that men are wired to respond to visual cues; women on the other hand are not. Women will respond more to a sensual narrative. Both are being massively exploited today and the majority of men and women are highly sexual.

 

[recluse]

Imho the world would be a much much better place if we all focused on our selves inside-heart and mind and soul and gave up the whole need to look and be perfect fantasy. People who obsess about their looks are shallow and looks always fade so you are left with what? Look for people who love you for who you are on the inside. What if you look great now and then you gain 50 lbs because of a health issue and the shallow person who loved you because of your looks leaves you? happens all the time... I really admire people who don't give a f*** about their looks. Though they are very rare. I think a woman who is larger than average for ex is far more beautiful if she is happy and loves herself anyday over one who is Kate Moss thin and all drugged up and anorexic. We as a society really idealize the worst people for the stupidest reasons.

I do realise now. For instance i've never seen the big deal in ''stunning'' women, i see the person as a whole not just based on their looks. I can be attracted to ordinary looking women because they have beautiful souls.

 

[recluse]

You look like a regular 30 year old man in my honest opinion. There's no ugly features about you that stick out.

Thanks, i appreciate it. I guess my depression is making me feel ugly. When i am not depressed i feel attractive.

 

[recluse]

Anorexic girls are very unattractive to me. I feel like just giving them a cheeseburger sometimes. ::

Well having suffered from anorexia myself in the past i can understand what's going through their minds.

 

[recluse]

Do you think it's 'easier' (more socially acceptable?) to be unattractive as a boy or as a girl?

That's a very good question. There's the notion that women are less shallow in regards to looks, but i really think there's shallow men and shallow women.

Everything that get's advertised has attractive people; Cars, perfume, aftershave, spectacles, clothes and this is what makes people insecure. You can't look at a magazine without having some beefcake with rippling muscles sprawled on the page, or a woman who is either super skinny or has curves in the 'right places'.

It's heartbreaking.

 

[recluse]

I would definitely say it's easier being an unattractive woman.

Gender roles are set up so a woman both has the option of letting men approach her or she can do the approaching. For men, we usually have to do the approaching....especially if a guy is unattractive.

I've found that women tend to be way more judgmental of people, too. They are often gossip queens and not many of them want to speak to their friends about the unattractive guy they are dating.

What I mean by that is status is more important to most women. Part of status is social status, and part of high status relates to having a hot b/f whether we like it or not. Men tend to be more after sex than status. Generalizations, yeah, but mostly true.

When i was in college a group of girls were discussing ther boyfriends penis size. Sad but true!

 

[recluse]

It's true that men can be judgmental, but I don't think our gender is nearly as judgmental as a whole.

I think that many men are desperate. Gosh, I know that sounds messed up, but I really think it's true. The way gender roles are set up here in the USA and many other countries, bars and parties are often sausage fests, as is online dating.

It seems anytime there is a question of who has it easier, it's almost always women.

There is something that is programmed in men that says, sex, sex, sex. Most men listen to that urge.

Anytime I hear about a guy being a virgin it's usually because he hasn't even had a chance. When a woman is a virgin, it's because she turned guys down.

Most guys are horn dogs at the end of the day. Unless the woman is totally hideous she is unlikely to go through life without a few sexual advances from men.

 

[recluse]

The trouble is a core psychological one. The mind chooses to see what it wants to see.
Thus if one says 'I am ugly' then one is ugly. No one can say otherwise or will be allowed to sway that view.

What instills this belief? Recluse has mentioned being labeled negatively by others in the past. Usually this is within childhood. Certainly a recent past time frame of continued negative treatment doesn't help.

Recluse there is no real clear answer for you or others. For one I feel much the same about me. Look back in your past and find the core reason why and how you began to view yourself the way you do. After that its up to you. I've been trying to read up on improving self-image and my inferiority complex. CBT may be a route.

I think one reason is a love interest had a picture of a good lookign guy she had been going on about she talks to on the internet as her computer desktp. I had visited her for the third time in New year 2008 and she invited me to her house for the first time. There on her computer screen was the picture of this guy.

I can't help thinking i am a piece of s#it compared to this guy.

I felt ugly before i met her though but this is the final twist of the knife.

 

[hangbi92]

Hey Recluse, I understand about the way you feel about being unattractive. I find myself unattractive too, and I'd get really depressed when I look at all those beautiful people. But as you said, what's more important is the soul, not the appearance. Beautiful people are just luckier than us, but that doesn't always mean they are better than us

 

[Sial Axetder]

I think one reason is a love interest had a picture of a good lookign guy she had been going on about she talks to on the internet as her computer desktp. I had visited her for the third time in New year 2008 and she invited me to her house for the first time. There on her computer screen was the picture of this guy.

I can't help thinking i am a piece of s#it compared to this guy.

I felt ugly before i met her though but this is the final twist of the knife.

Was this a guy she decided to go with?
It's never nice to see a potential become attracted elsewhere.
Perhaps she was not aware of your interest? Had nothing to do with looks? You'll have to think more on it and see if you see anything more or more in the past.

Trouble is you're comparing yourself to others. That's got to go. Find things you'd like to change about yourself and go to it. Compare you to you.

A bit of CBT is taking your negative thoughts and interfering with them. I haven't tried it yet cause it sounds hard and silly to me. Example: I say I look terrible, stand in shame. I am supposed to interrupt that and say I look ... great! And leave it at that. I guess I should practice what I offer for advice, eh. ::

 

[recluse]

^Thanks. What do you do when you sould feels ugly too? I feel i have nothing good about me.

 

[Sial Axetder]

^Thanks. What do you do when you sould feels ugly too? I feel i have nothing good about me.

Thoughts create emotion.
Don't think, no emotion.

Sould is soul? The soul is influenced by and from its host's emotions, so to speak. What you feel you will feel.

Try a bit of meditation. Self control and self awareness you may learn. Try 5min a day, eyes closed, pay attention to your breathing only. Shove away or let any thoughts that come up go away. Don't hide them but pay no attention to them. Concentrate on your breathing. Its hard, you will lose your concentration but keep dragging your attention back to your breathing. Increase time as you wish.

Don't feel you have nothing think about it. What is good about you? Don't give in, you know what you got. What is it you like to do?

 

[twiggle]

When i was in college a group of girls were discussing ther boyfriends penis size. Sad but true!

I recently came across some photos on FB from a 'lads holiday'... paper pinned to the wall with a list of girls they'd slept with and 'scores out of 10' for various factors 'in the sack' 'breasts' etc. They weren't particularly complimentary. I think both examples are just people being shallow.