Why do people believe relationships will make you happy?

[FriendlyShadow]

Everything that you said I already mentioned in my very first post on your thread

No worries, you're fine, Lions. This subject is touchy literally and figuratively!

You know, though that I don't appreciate some of things you said about me being hesitant in wanting a relationship. I wasn't trying to offend anyone on here that I think it's bad for anyone to have relationships. I was merely stating my opinion. Please don't think that I'm trying to step on your toes or provoke you in any way, Molly.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

I think I agree that anyone expecting to have all their problems magically solved by getting a boyfriend or girlfriend will be disappointed. Similar to virgins thinking having sex will make life such a better place.

Yes, I very much agree with you Kiwong. I think there are too many people in this world who would think having a person to cling on to them would help cure their problems. Relationships aren't everything and shouldn't be the main solution in helping your depression. I know most people wish that it could happen like that like in the movies where couples are seem to have perfect lives and they look like they have less problems for them. And you're right, sex doesn't cure any of your problems besides making you feel happy and having your sexual needs being met. There are, personally, other things in life that can help you feel better about yourself than focusing and worrying whether or not you find a relationship for you.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

I find relationships to be too hard these days. Too many problems. People are too flakey.

They expect a lot but only want to give a little or nothing at all.

Just my current perspective.

Yeah, it is hard to maintain a relationship when you have your problems on top of everything else. You can't expect your girlfriend/boyfriend to be a miracle worker and take away every problem you have. In highschool, especially, I think teens rush into relationships because it might be due the fact that their sex hormones get out of control so they'll want someone to have sex or make out with all the time. People never think about having a serious relationship but I think they just want to be in it for fun.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

I get you. I have had plenty of relationships that started on a high note and ended in tears and frustration and its hard . Ive often felt like whats the point
Of all this aggravation and pain. I now TRY to practice a little more detachment to outcomes. And balance my expectations. I havent dated in about 2 years because i basically had my heart ripped out. And im afraid to put myself out there again...i sometimes feel i get no viable options. I try to come into new relationships when im healed of the old ones wounds which is sort of stupid but its just part of what makes me me.
Alot of people dont do this. They jump from one relationship to another and often engage with multiple partners at a time. Which makes me upset because i have to deal with now with others emotional and financial entanglements with prior lovers . And it sucks when other peoples problems are now mine
Now im trying to be a little more cautious and not wear my heart on my sleeve
Im scared but im going to try and be patient. I shouldnt have to work so hard to get and keep relationships. When they get that difficult maybe theyre just not meant to be.
Relationships sure can make life harder but i have to ask
What else is there ? Ive loved ive lost and im getting older and im not as resilient. But i will recover and im glad i had them. Id really like some better options
Im Holding on & just breathing til love comes around and praying to god that it will come and stay and be healthy

I understand what you're saying. I know it's difficult to know the right kind of person you fall in love with and how to try and hold that. I'd never get into a relationship, personally, right now because I'm too young and I can't expect my spouse to always make me happy and take my problems away.

Relationships sure can make life harder but i have to ask What else is there?

Yes, but the fact is is that you don't need to actually think that you must have a relationship to keep you happy. You're right it does make relationships harder, but you shouldn't think that because you haven't found or given up on how to heal your depression, you need a relationship to fix that. But it's great that you're recovering from past relationships and I do hope you will find that relationship with someone someday

 

[Kiwong]

Yes, I very much agree with you Kiwong. I think there are too many people in this world who would think having a person to cling on to them would help cure their problems. Relationships aren't everything and shouldn't be the main solution in helping your depression. I know most people wish that it could happen like that like in the movies where couples are seem to have perfect lives and they look like they have less problems for them. And you're right, sex doesn't cure any of your problems besides making you feel happy and having your sexual needs being met. There are, personally, other things in life that can help you feel better about yourself than focusing and worrying whether or not you find a relationship for you.

I think there is a lot of agreement on this thread, it seems to me that Molly said similar things about relationships earlier in the thread, for example about the happily ever after propaganda, and that relationships being hard.

The only difference is that Molly suggested that you can only truly live by trying, as scary as that can be, even if you get hurt along the way. And I agree with that. If you remain open and try, face your fears as best you can, sometimes life surprises and great things happen and you win. And happiness even if it is fleeting is so worth it. That won't happen if you don't try.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

I think there is a lot of agreement on this thread, it seems to me that Molly said similar things about relationships earlier in the thread, for example about the happily ever after propaganda, and that relationships being hard.
`
The only difference is that Molly suggested that you can only truly live by trying, as scary as that can be, even if you get hurt along the way. And I agree with that. If you remain open and try, face your fears as best you can, sometimes life surprises and great things happen and you win. And happiness even if it is fleeting is so worth it. That won't happen if you don't try.

I agree with the people who were saying family, friends, pets and so on can help people (as long as they treat them good) with some of their problems and depression. A relationship, though, shouldn't be a must have because you just want someone to heal your problems. Expecting a relationship to take away your problems isn't healthy thinking as I keep saying. It may help you for a while, but it's not a forever kind of thing. Being in a relationship needs commitment in order for it to work, not just because you entered one because you felt better you did.

The only difference is that Molly suggested that you can only truly live by trying, as scary as that can be, even if you get hurt along the way. And I agree with that. If you remain open and try, face your fears as best you can, sometimes life surprises and great things happen and you win. And happiness even if it is fleeting is so worth it. That won't happen if you don't try.

I don't agreed with how Molly handled it by talking to me in a hostile way that I was being hesitant when I was really just stating and expressing my feelings and reasons why I don't think relationships should be everything. You can't compare something to and another thing if the two are irrelevant. If you are depressed or not, than why should having a boyfriend/girlfriend matter? I understand they maybe trying to make your life happy, but they aren't the answer to solving everything in your problems. I remember Molly stating in her post that you have to actually hurt yourself more if you aren't trying to do something, like having relationships. So, what I'm getting out of that is that she thinks that people who are unhappy and have depression with themselves should hurt themselves more for being in a relationship they'll probably regret, and who knows if that relationship is with the wrong person you fell in love with. You can't assume that because things that work for some people, that it can work for everyone. It doesn't work like that. You don't need to hurt yourself more to get a guy/girl to like you and end up being more unhappy in the end that you chose that. As I've said, a relationship shouldn't be a must have. It should be a choice. And the fact that Molly still compares physical activity and being in a relationship confuses me. The two aren't the same thing no matter how you try and compare. As for making excuses about not finding love because you are depressed, there are other plenty of better things that can make you feel better than thinking you need to enter a relationship. Depressed people shouldn't be convinced that they need to be in a relationship because they can't find love. Again, I know some people think that love will make them happier, but that's not the only thing you should think about.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

I tend to believe that it would make me feel better. I also tend to believe that it won't happen, since the last serious relationship I had ended in 1998. Actually, it ended in death, a fact which one psychotherapist of mine refused to believe. Is death really that incredible?

I'm sorry that you had to go through that in your relationship Earthcircle. I know, it's tough to lose someone who's close to you. I used to have a dog that I had a close bond with, until she was too old and had to be put down. It's a very sad thing.

 

[Kiwong]

I'm sure Molly wasn't being hostile, just expressing her opinion.

Expecting a relationship to take away your problems isn't healthy thinking. There seems to be agreement on that. I think what is being suggested is that you don't know what might happen if you don't try. Being in a romantic relationship might be good for both of you, it might make you happier, it might not, who knows if you don't try at all.

And life will hurt at some stage, but that is all a part of life and experience. Even some good can come out of the bad.

 

[DSK91]

Sometimes, having some one you care about tied to you can be good incentive to do more, be better. I'm sure you would agree, there are circumstances in which you would face your worst fears because someone you love needs you. That willingness to face everything you fear is what shines a light on what really is. That perspective is important.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

I'm sure Molly wasn't being hostile, just expressing her opinion.

Expecting a relationship to take away your problems isn't healthy thinking. There seems to be agreement on that. I think what is being suggested is that you don't know what might happen if you don't try. Being in a romantic relationship might be good for both of you, it might make you happier, it might not, who knows if you don't try at all.

And life will hurt at some stage, but that is all a part of life and experience. Even some good can come out of the bad.

I'm sure Molly wasn't being hostile, just expressing her opinion.

I would respect that she was expressing her opinion, but the way she said it had came off as harsh and hostile sounding. In a way, maybe Molly doesn't realize it but, but that kind of made me feel bad that just because I'm not in a relationship means I'm hesitant and I have to get hurt so that I proved I faced my fears. I also don't like the fact that she made me look dumb telling me that being a relationship and exercising are obviously two different things. Well yeah, I obviously knew they were two different things. I was trying to clarify my point of why the two don't mix well together. She's coming up with irrelevant statements and false generalizations and sounding a little brusque in the process. I don't appreciate people talking and condescending me like that.

Expecting a relationship to take away your problems isn't healthy thinking. There seems to be agreement on that. I think what is being suggested is that you don't know what might happen if you don't try. Being in a romantic relationship might be good for both of you, it might make you happier, it might not, who knows if you don't try at all.

And life will hurt at some stage, but that is all a part of life and experience. Even some good can come out of the bad.

Yes, I do agree that a relationship shouldn't be the answer to taking away your problems. But the thing is, that's it's not the only thing in the world that cure everything. You shouldn't be forced or pressured to do something if you aren't comfortable in your own skin with doing it. That shouldn't come from anyone else unless you want to do it. If you do force yourself, you might regret your decision later so it might not work for some people. Your life shouldn't be revolved or worrying about whether to find a relationship or not. It's about making yourself happy. I'm talking about the fact that there are some people who are depressed and who probably did have relationships and did end up getting hurt left them off to be more worse off than they already were. I personally don't think a relationship is as similar as you practicing to ride a bike or you being not physically active. Being in a relationships is about a lot of work and commitment to keeping both parties happy. It's not necessarily I would compare that to not exercising or not wanting to ride a bike. And besides, riding a bike and exercising, the difference again is exercising is a requirement and bike riding is not something so important you want/need to do in your life(unless you use that as your daily active phyisical fitness.) People can't make assumptions that relationship or having a spouse will take away everything, but that's just me.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

Sometimes, having some one you care about tied to you can be good incentive to do more, be better. I'm sure you would agree, there are circumstances in which you would face your worst fears because someone you love needs you. That willingness to face everything you fear is what shines a light on what really is. That perspective is important.

Yes, I do believe having spouses may keep you happy for a while, but it's not something that should be a fix/cure kind of thing. You don't need to face your fears by getting into a relationship because you've never been in one. You need to face your fears of trying to cope with your depression somehow. I know most of you think that being in a relationship has positives and can make you into a better person. But you shouldn't fall in love with someone just because you proved you faced your fears of not having one because you have depression. Most people don't think things through and end up making the wrong choice. I don't think relationships should on the top priority of having to cure you depression. Sure, you may be happy that you finally overcame scare of whether or not you find a relationship, but facing your fear is not the only thing that counts. You need to build yourself and get the encouragement and help you deserve from other things.

 

[MollyBeGood]

No ones trying to be hostile to you, Dear.

If there was a cure for depression and it worked I would have found it by now and done it.

I, however am not going to deny myself any experience in life because I have it (deep sadness), and there is no cure. TBH I can't really see how a person with their eyes open to this world could really be happy. This world is really screwed-up!

Go ahead and wait till you feel ready. Get 100% then go find the perfect person who is also 100%. That will be amazing!

 

[FriendlyShadow]

No ones trying to be hostile to you, Dear.

If there was a cure for depression and it worked I would have found it by now and done it.

I, however am not going to deny myself any experience in life because I have it (deep sadness), and there is no cure. TBH I can't really see how a person with their eyes open to this world could really be happy. This world is really screwed-up!

Go ahead and wait till you feel ready. Get 100% then go find the perfect person who is also 100%. That will be amazing!

No ones trying to be hostile to you, Dear.

I was saying about how you talked to me earlier, and you may not have realized when you said I was being hesitant in a relationship and that's the reason I don't have one, you kind of made me feel bad about myself. I know I hadn't had the greatest childhood, but IMO, I wouldn't suddenly rush to have a relationship just to prove something out of it or thinking that they will be a miracle worker and take away all of my problems.

If there was a cure for depression and it worked I would have found it by now and done it.

I, however am not going to deny myself any experience in life because I have it (deep sadness), and there is no cure. TBH I can't really see how a person with their eyes open to this world could really be happy. This world is really screwed-up!

Go ahead and wait till you feel ready. Get 100% then go find the perfect person who is also 100%. That will be amazing!

I agree, though with a lot of what you're saying. There is no cure for depression and thinking that relationships will cure it then I don't think that's healthy. Like I said, I'm not trying to be mean or my opinions sound rude. I was just writing about this topic because I wanted to express why I thought people felt that they think relationships cure all of their depression if they are depressed. Maybe, like I said, for a temporal period of time, but not it can't take away everything. But, I'm glad you understand me Molly.

 

[DSK91]

I agree, a relationship doesn't need to be romantic in nature to change your mind state profoundly. Finding new friends, especially suffering our same ailments, could be more beneficial. You could rely on each other to push your limits comfortably without the fear of complete reliance. And once you out and doing things you enjoy, you will come across the romantic relationship organically.

Again I agree with a prior comment. If you meet some one and it works that's great. There are thousands of people who use this site, and they can all relate to you.

 

[Livemylife]

Yes, I very much agree with you Kiwong. I think there are too many people in this world who would think having a person to cling on to them would help cure their problems. Relationships aren't everything and shouldn't be the main solution in helping your depression. I know most people wish that it could happen like that like in the movies where couples are seem to have perfect lives and they look like they have less problems for them. And you're right, sex doesn't cure any of your problems besides making you feel happy and having your sexual needs being met. There are, personally, other things in life that can help you feel better about yourself than focusing and worrying whether or not you find a relationship for you.

Yeah, I don't think relationships are a cure either. In fact, relationships are not my top priority in life. However, I understand that relationships are very important to people. (Although I do get annoyed by those who talk incessantly about dating and sex.) And yes some people think that relationships will lead to a happier life. They think this for all sorts of reasons. And like you mentioned, movies (and media in general) is one reason because it sells "romance" as the cure to life's problems. I'm not going to knock people for striving for relationships. That would be like me going to a fat person and saying "stop depending on food" or an alcoholic and saying "beer isn't the answer." They wouldn't like me saying that much :idontknow:

 

[Bo592]

because when you don`t care about others. then you don`t care about life.

 

[megalon]

Everyone has issues. Being happy does not require that you be problem free. The trick I think is to be happy in spite of your issues. I don't think a relationship would magically take away my problems, but it might make me better equipped to tackle them myself. Of course it wouldn't be one-sided, I would also want to help out with whatever problems my theoretical girlfriend was facing.

You shouldn't be forced or pressured to do something if you aren't comfortable in your own skin with doing it. That shouldn't come from anyone else unless you want to do it. If you do force yourself, you might regret your decision later so it might not work for some people. Your life shouldn't be revolved or worrying about whether to find a relationship or not. It's about making yourself happy. I'm talking about the fact that there are some people who are depressed and who probably did have relationships and did end up getting hurt left them off to be more worse off than they already were. I personally don't think a relationship is as similar as you practicing to ride a bike or you being not physically active. Being in a relationships is about a lot of work and commitment to keeping both parties happy. It's not necessarily I would compare that to not exercising or not wanting to ride a bike. And besides, riding a bike and exercising, the difference again is exercising is a requirement and bike riding is not something so important you want/need to do in your life(unless you use that as your daily active phyisical fitness.) People can't make assumptions that relationship or having a spouse will take away everything, but that's just me.

I think most people make a choice that they want to be in a relationship. There's not someone or something that's forcing them.
You don't seem to see any need for romantic relationships, and that's fine, but there are also many people that do see the need.

Exercise is a choice, not required. It also requires commitment. There are millions of people who don't exercise ever.

 

[GhastlyCC]

Eh,having somebody who cares about me would be nice I guess.
A relationship isn't something that I feel like I NEED,but I'd be lying if I said that it probably wouldn't make me happier.
Who knows though.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

Everyone has issues. Being happy does not require that you be problem free. The trick I think is to be happy in spite of your issues. I don't think a relationship would magically take away my problems, but it might make me better equipped to tackle them myself. Of course it wouldn't be one-sided, I would also want to help out with whatever problems my theoretical girlfriend was facing.



I think most people make a choice that they want to be in a relationship. There's not someone or something that's forcing them.
You don't seem to see any need for romantic relationships, and that's fine, but there are also many people that do see the need.

Exercise is a choice, not required. It also requires commitment. There are millions of people who don't exercise ever.

Everyone has issues. Being happy does not require that you be problem free. The trick I think is to be happy in spite of your issues. I don't think a relationship would magically take away my problems, but it might make me better equipped to tackle them myself. Of course it wouldn't be one-sided, I would also want to help out with whatever problems my theoretical girlfriend was facing.

I never said that being happy requires you to be problem free. Yes, I understand everyone has got issues, but I'm talking specifically on people who have worse issues and with depression. You shouldn't have to want to be in a relationship because everybody else thinks you need to or because you see others having relationships whether that be on TV or the people around you. Of course you can make each other happy for a while, but there are depressed people like I've been saying who may have broken up with their girlfriend/boyfriends and may have led them to become actually worse than they already were. Their depression may lead them to start doing unhealthy things like binge eating, cutting themselves, making suicidal threats, and so on. It's not something that just automatically heals for some people like riding a bike. The difference between the two is that when you fall off your bike and end up with bruises and scratches, the wounds will start to heal in a couple of days whereas if you end up getting hurt in relationships by someone, that wound you feel will last forever to some people. So, I'm saying to some of the people on here who think that because people don't enter relationships because they are just hesitant and scared, may have not looked deeper into really how difficult managing a relationship really is.

Exercise is a choice, not required. It also requires commitment. There are millions of people who don't exercise ever.

It's actually the other way around. The only reason people don't want to exercise is that they're either lazy or they are letting themselves go for reasons that probably aren't justifiable(unless you have health problem reasons). A relationships is a choice because it's not an important subject or matter that has to revolve around your every day life. Relationships require a lot of commitment and time to actually build your trust and integrity on that one person. No one should be forcing you to have a relationship if they just think because you have to face your fears or you have to get hurt means you proved something. Exercising, though, as many would try to emphasize on keeps you healthy and active. It reduces the chances of having diseases like diabetes, heart failure, high cholesterol, ect. If people who want to suffer with those health problems than I feel really bad for them.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

because when you don`t care about others. then you don`t care about life.

I think that's when most people don't actually care about what they are getting into in relationships. I think, personally, they just want it as fun and not for a serious commitment. Probably most or some people who were happy in relationships will soon end up being unhappy because they didn't make the right choice. That is why I don't like that kids in highschool get into relationships so fast until the real problems start to begin.