Why do people believe relationships will make you happy?

[bcsr]

I'm really not sure what you think a relationship is supposed to be. If two people are completely indifferent to the relationship, then why are they even together? Relationships aren't just sex contracts between people.

It's supposed to be an equal partnership, not one person being dependent on the other. I'm not sure what point the second and third sentences are trying to make. I don't believe anyone has said anything to that effect. I know I haven't.

There's a difference between obsessively, jealously clinging to someone and realizing they make your world a brighter, happier place.

Yes, there is. One is healthy and one isn't. That is the entire point of this thread.

 

[OceanMist]

I see what you are saying but I think to be in a relationship, you can't always rely on that person to keep you happy as long as you can work on trying to do it yourself. I think quite few of you have misunderstood my thread. I'm not saying you should be happy right away, especially when you are depressed. I'm saying you actually need to build on keeping yourself happy so it's not just always that person trying to take care of you. It's good to have friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, family by your side, but it's better when you have a good therapist or counselor to talk about your issues as well. And you know, Oceanmist, I'm just like you. I have no friends, no relationship with anyone, and I too feel sad sometimes. But that doesn't have to mean that I should just rush into a relationship because it'll cure everything.

I agree with a lot of that. I think i didn't explain in depth what my real opinion is.

Should we rush into a relationship.....no.

What I am saying is without people in our lives, that is where the problem is. I had to go to a mental hospital before and even there I was the "freak" who didn't talk to anyone. They told me the reason I am depressed is because I don't talk to people. I think that isn't explained correctly on their part, the reason I'm depressed is because I often don't connect with other people.

As far as just speaking with a counselor, while that may be a start, that is definitely not something that should be a long-term solution. We need real personal relationships with people who are not family or counselors or we will be depressed.

As far as the intimate relationship stuff goes, I'm convinced we don't need that at all ever. It's all about connecting on a social level, that's where happiness is, I believe.

Of course, that's not necessarily a sure thing, happiness with others, but that's a whole other thread that I won't get into right now.

 

[Odo]

It's supposed to be an equal partnership, not one person being dependent on the other. I'm not sure what point the second and third sentences are trying to make. I don't believe anyone has said anything to that effect. I know I haven't.



Yes, there is. One is healthy and one isn't. That is the entire point of this thread.

People depend on each other all the time. It's nice to have the support. In fact, that's one of the big positives of even being in a relationship. And being in one changes how you think and feel... because you're now caring about someone besides yourself. In a good relationship, you depend on each other... if it isn't one-sided then it's all good.

You seemed to be saying that all relationships are negative dependencies... maybe I missed something?

And the point of this thread is whether or not relationships can make you happy, not whether or not co-dependency can mke you happy.

 

[bcsr]

P
You seemed to be saying that all relationships are negative dependencies... maybe I missed something?

And the point of this thread is whether or not relationships can make you happy, not whether or not co-dependency can mke you happy.

I think you're confused about the nature of this thread. The premise here is that people start relationships expecting it to suddenly make them "better." Expecting their phobias, depression, anxieties, etc. to just vanish because they're dating.

but what makes most people believe they'll be happy if they were in a relationship with a boyfriend/girlfriend. In fact, I'm not sure if it really does make others happy but then to just hide their problems/issues they have going on with them. I've tried talking to a few people a bout it and they said that love can heal a lot. I agree slightly, but I think that's very temporal period of time before one of the spouses will get sick and tired of their boyfriend/girlfriend being always dependent on them.

That original post for this thread. As I'm reading it, it was started about dependent relationships.

 

[Odo]

I think you're confused about the nature of this thread. The premise here is that people start relationships expecting it to suddenly make them "better." Expecting their phobias, depression, anxieties, etc. to just vanish because they're dating.



That original post for this thread. As I'm reading it, it was started about dependent relationships.

Okay then... I read it as being about people who have SA or something but find a relationship that makes them happy. If the other person understands then no, that won't make your issues disappear but it will make you happier for sure, and that will help some of your issues... for example, your loneliness, your sexual frustrations, and apparently you've also gotten over your fear of approaching the opposite sex.

I don't think having SA means you're doomed to co-dependent relationships.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

When someone accept you,the real you,when even you couldn't,wouldn't that make you happy?

I think some of you people are missing the point to this thread it seems. I'm not saying it is a bad thing that someone does accept you for who you are. That's great and all, but I don't find it to be healthy that you are emotionally depending on them all the time because of your depression. It's great that you can have some support from them as well as your family and friends, but you can't always rely on them to make you happy. You have to do the heavy lifting as well. it can't just be one person trying all their best to keep you happy and what happens if you still aren't? At least if you are looking into a relationship, try and think about ways you can improve on your depression. It isn't healthy that always you are emotionally depending on your spouse to make everything better for you. Seek a counselor, take some medication, or do something that will make your depression die down.

 

[bsammy]

i havent read the entire thread but if someone is anxious and depressed and they are depending on someone else to make them happy, then the relationship will not last and is unfair from the start IMO..i have been with a few women who were deeply depressed and depended upon me to lift them up and lets put it this way, the relationship didnt last very long..

i know healthy relationships where people lift each other up, make each other laugh and they genuinely enjoy each others company, then other unhealthy relationships they are basically stuck with each other for their kids and thats it...stuck together for their kids or financial support or some other type of co-dependency problem...

 

[MollyBeGood]

When someone accept you,the real you,when even you couldn't,wouldn't that make you happy?

Good point-depression and all-the real you. I for one have been in several relationships with depressed people and even me in my not so 100% mental state was able to help and benefit both for them and from them. Sometimes it's the dark connections, the ability one has to really feel the sadness that makes the relationship work. If your temporary depressed then it's not the same, like your dog died etc... Of course seek help to feel better but help can come in all forms and oddly enough someone who knows the darkness inside can be the best person to help you see the light and you can help them too. Someone who knows and accepts you for all your faults and still loves you is what love is. Not the "I will love you unless or until". Of course there are exceptions to this-never let anyone hurt you and make excuses for it. Listen to your heart and use your intuition.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

Good point-depression and all-the real you. I for one have been in several relationships with depressed people and even me in my not so 100% mental state was able to help and benefit both for them and from them. Sometimes it's the dark connections, the ability one has to really feel the sadness that makes the relationship work. If your temporary depressed then it's not the same, like your dog died etc... Of course seek help to feel better but help can come in all forms and oddly enough someone who knows the darkness inside can be the best person to help you see the light and you can help them too. Someone who knows and accepts you for all your faults and still loves you is what love is. Not the "I will love you unless or until". Of course there are exceptions to this-never let anyone hurt you and make excuses for it. Listen to your heart and use your intuition.

Like I said in my previous post above bsammy, you can't ALWAYS expect your spouse to make everything better for you. It's nice you have some support from your loved ones but you can't always think that they should be the ones to help fix your problems for you. You are the only person who needs to decide for yourself if you are willing to be able to work on that yourself.

Someone who knows and accepts you for all your faults and still loves you is what love is.

True but there are other ways besides having a boyfriend/girlfriend who will make you feel better. And who knows if they suddenly one day will not be there for you when you need them most. I think people have actually high expectations of how a relationship should be or they believe that if I have a boyfriend girlfriend they would automatically become happier. But that's not true in some cases. I'm not trying to fuse an argument with some of you, but I'm just speaking of this in my perspective. Also:

"If your temporary depressed then it's not the same, like your dog died etc..."

And that's what I'm saying though. If you are generally a depressed person than how would you expect yourself to be happy if you were in a relationship. So many things can go wrong once you enter in another's life and not only that, but they may even feed off some of the depressed feelings you have. It's not healthy to me. I just hate when people think having "just" a relationship will make everything better. Maybe for some lucky people out there, it does work for them better than others. But the ones who are unable of changing their depression have the worst in their relationships. Heck, I've seen it happen on TV plenty of times where one of the couple's spouses was depressed and the other one cheerful and extroverted and then you see within a couple months pass by when one of the spouses wanted to take a break or they can't handle a relationship.

 

[Odo]

Yes, if you are a needy person that has nothing to offer but a lot of draining rants about how awful you feel, how much of a victim you are, or just talking about yourself and then waiting for the other person to stop talking so you can talk about yourself again... things like that... and if all attempts to cheer you up or make you smile or to make you stop casting a dark shadow over other people's lives fails, then it will be difficult to find someone who will want to deal with that all the time.

But once again, having someone should do a lot to dispel that gloom at least some of the time and as long as it's not incessant then someone out there will probably be willing to put up with it or help you through it at least some of the time.

 

[bcsr]

But once again, having someone should do a lot to dispel that gloom at least some of the time and as long as it's not incessant then someone out there will probably be willing to put up with it or help you through it at least some of the time.

You also seem to keep ignoring the possibility of your partner leaving you. Do you then just resign yourself to being even more depressed and gloomy until you find another person to date? When I say people should focus on themselves, it's because that's really the only thing you have complete control over. Enjoy the benefits of dating, but don't rely on them.

Most people don't want to have to "put up" with a partner. I consider myself mostly anxiety free these days, of course I still have some issues. I once dated a woman with social anxiety and depression. Though I understood what was happening completely, and sympathized, in the end, it was too much to deal with. She was dragging me down with the constant negativity, and I had to move on.

 

[Odo]

You also seem to keep ignoring the possibility of your partner leaving you. Do you then just resign yourself to being even more depressed and gloomy until you find another person to date? When I say people should focus on themselves, it's because that's really the only thing you have complete control over.

Yes, they might leave you but avoiding relationships completely because you're afraid of being dumped will make you even more miserable than being dumped will.

 

[bcsr]

Yes, they might leave you but avoiding relationships completely because you're afraid of being dumped will make you even more miserable than being dumped will.

Enjoy the benefits of dating, but don't rely on them.

Again, you're missing the entire point of this thread. It's not about avoiding relationships. It's about not relying on or expecting them to fix your personal issues.

 

[Odo]

Again, you're missing the entire point of this thread. It's not about avoiding relationships. It's about not relying on or expecting them to fix your personal issues.

Well, which specific issues are we talking about?
Because if your issue is loneliness, it will fix that.

I'm confused because you were talking about 'the possibility of your partner leaving you'... why would that even matter? You would be back to where you were.

Sometimes people help each other out... they can help each other become stronger, better people. I've met several people in my life that have done this. If your relationship is good, then some of that influence will rub off on you if you let it, and it can help you, no matter what your issues are. If your issue is being a completely closed off **** who doesn't want to get better, then nothing, including relationships, can help you. And if they leave you, then maybe they're leaving you in a better condition than when they found you... it's completely possible.

If the point of this thread is 'co-dependent relationships are bad', well then yes, that's true... who would say it isn't?

 

[FriendlyShadow]

Yes, if you are a needy person that has nothing to offer but a lot of draining rants about how awful you feel, how much of a victim you are, or just talking about yourself and then waiting for the other person to stop talking so you can talk about yourself again... things like that... and if all attempts to cheer you up or make you smile or to make you stop casting a dark shadow over other people's lives fails, then it will be difficult to find someone who will want to deal with that all the time.

But once again, having someone should do a lot to dispel that gloom at least some of the time and as long as it's not incessant then someone out there will probably be willing to put up with it or help you through it at least some of the time.

I don't think though that a relationship is the key to keeping you happy. Now, I think that having a couple of good friends is a little more understandable than having a relationship with someone you want as a boyfriend/girlfriend. Again, people don't understand it takes a lot of time and the commitment to make that relationship work so it'd be a pretty rocky road if the other one is always depressed and always being dependent or expect too much from their boyfriend and girlfriend's time to make. everything perfect for them. And it gets even more difficult when you're young or practically in your teens. More problems could eventually rise when you start a relationship. It kind of annoys me that people ask on sites "will a boyfriend/girlfriend make me happy?" It's almost as if they haven't thought of any other alternatives besides jumping into being in a relationship so fast. I feel bad they do ask/think that way since they don't know what they are getting themselves into. A relationship shouldn't be the first step to healing your depression. It may help you for a while(or at least being happy), but it won't be a permanent cure for your sadness. And it's due to the fact which some people aren't recognizing they are not being careful who they end up with in the relationship and I know it is difficult to realize you're in love with the wrong person. For me, personally, I'd rather just wait in the next couple of years to try and become happier myself without having to rely on someone to cheer me up.

 

[bcsr]

Well, which specific issues are we talking about?
Because if your issue is loneliness, it will fix that.

Considering this is a social phobia website, let's go with that.

I'm confused because you were talking about 'the possibility of your partner leaving you'... why would that even matter? You would be back to where you were.

If you're relying on someone else to make you happy, it's certainly relevant. People frequently end up worse off than they were before.

If the point of this thread is 'co-dependent relationships are bad', well then yes, that's true... who would say it isn't?

A lot of people. Many feel that as long as they can get a boyfriend/girlfriend, all of their anxiety and phobias will vanish. No one ever said to avoid dating just because you have social anxiety. Which seems to be what you're getting from this discussion.

 

[MollyBeGood]

I think the fact that ILOVELIONS has never been in a relationship before is why she/he hesitates and finds reasons not to. It's kinda like not being physically active when you're out of shape and saying "When I am in shape I will take-up "X" sport", when actually participating in and doing the sport will get you in shape. I have done that with back-country skiing

Just Do it!

Go get hurt, live a little!

Nobody is a perfect mate no matter what they many advertise, far from it. Probably the worst people to hook up with are the ones who claim to be problem free!

 

[FriendlyShadow]

I think the fact that ILOVELIONS has never been in a relationship before is why she/he hesitates and finds reasons not to. It's kinda like not being physically active when you're out of shape and saying "When I am in shape I will take-up "X" sport", when actually participating in and doing the sport will get you in shape. I have done that with back-country skiing

Just Do it!

Go get hurt, live a little!

Nobody is a perfect mate no matter what they many advertise, far from it. Probably the worst people to hook up with are the ones who claim to be problem free!

I don't want to pick a fight with you MollyBeGood. The actual reason I don't want to be in a relationship is that I don't want to be the one always relying on my boyfriend when I'm depressed. I need to get some help for that myself. I've said many times that you can't be expecting your spouse to bring you happiness. Sure, they may be able to give you that but it's not a permanent cure for your depression. Nothing lasts forever.

"Nobody is a perfect mate no matter what they many advertise, far from it. Probably the worst people to hook up with are the ones who claim to be problem free!"

I never said nobody wasn't perfect. I'm saying that a relationship isn't the only thing that will fix you or at least make your life instantly better. I'm glad that some of you had been able to maintain a relationship with SA and I know that's a very difficult thing to. Yes, I know relationships aren't perfect but it's just like when you have low self esteem. People will eventually get fed up that you're asking for reassurance whether you are pretty or not, especially if you're attention seeking. Like I said, I'm not trying to start an argument, I'm saying I would never be in "just" a relationship because it'll help cure my problems. Heck, my problems will still consist if I were in a relationship because of how people have treated me so it wouldn't matter if my spouse would cheer me up.

I think the fact that ILOVELIONS has never been in a relationship before is why she/he hesitates and finds reasons not to.

Yes, you're right. I've never been in a relationship as I told Oceanmist. I hesitate because a relationship isn't just a walk in the picnic kind of thing. It may or may not bring you happiness, unless you just got lucky. I don't think those are bad reasons, when someone especially as young 17 like me, it'd be more difficult to manage a relationship so young, along with that instability and depression, and I'm at least glad I've waited for years not to get into that. Do you think it's fair that your spouse has to put up with your constant dependence and depression on them? You need to want to improve yourself or you won't get anywhere but feeling depressed all the time. That's why I take natural medication and counseling so that I at least learn from something and try to work on it myself. Why do people think they need to find a boyfriend/girlfriend to make them happy anyways, even if they aren't depressed? I don't know if it's just because shows like hallmark and lifetime are always teaching them that their love is going to be a happy, soppy fairytale or if it's because they see people, for example, friends having spouses and they think that they should have a boyfriend/girlfriend because their friends have boyfriends/girlfriends. I'm sorry that some of you are taking my thread the wrong way or are offended that I said some things that may have came across as unprofessional and rude. I'm just trying to figure out why people think that a relationship can solve/fix everything.

It's kinda like not being physically active when you're out of shape and saying "When I am in shape I will take-up "X" sport", when actually participating in and doing the sport will get you in shape. I have done that with back-country skiing


I wouldn't actually compare to that. What about when one of the spouses actually relies on the other to do everything for them (pay dinner all the time, do their laundry, ect.) And how about when a spouse threatens to kill/cut him/herself. I worry for those who have a very unstable person in their relationship. My sister had a boyfriend like that and they ended up breaking up because he was too emotionally unstable.

 

[MollyBeGood]

Never get into a relationship with psychotic people unless your bored.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

Never get into a relationship with psychotic people unless your bored.

Well, actually my sister didn't know at first he was like that until later on in their relationship. I didn't know the reason why they broke up because I wasn't there when they had their arguments. My dad finally told me what happened and that he told me that her boyfriend was an emotionally unstable person and I guess he wanted to enter an army in Afganastan. I never realized he was unstable either because he looked like those kind of positive people who wouldn't have that. So, it's hard to tell in your spouse how their personality can change or how they hide their true selves. Though I agree, I'd think being with someone who cut themselves I'm not sure how I could handle being in a relationship with them, but I'm glad I'm waiting out these years and doing home school to get away from kids who have treated me badly. I feel bad for kids in highschool getting in relationships so fast and having unprotected sex. Such a shame.