Why do people believe relationships will make you happy?

[anomicdeer]

For me, I think it's difficult to believe that people want to get into relationships to be happy because no one would even want to talk to me if I wasn't happy. I think it depends on the person sometimes. Some people try to get attention get worshiped but with some others, they get ignored or looked down on for it.

 

[Odo]

Being in love in general makes you happy.
Having someone to hold makes you happy.
Knowing someone cares about you makes you happy.
You have something to do besides make yourself more miserable.
You're not as focused on yourself because you have someone else to think about-- it's a good thing.
Knowing someone likes you makes you feel more likable.
Seeing them knowing you like them makes them feel more likable, which makes you happy.
You have someone you can always talk to about anything.
Sex releases endorphins, which make you happy.
You're more motivated to do things because you actually have to consider what they want to do, and being active makes you happy.
You don't end up sitting at home and driving yourself crazy all the time.
If you do something, you aren't just doing it, you're doing it with someone else.
You can share the housework, split the cost of things, etc... which makes life in general easier.

So yeah, a good relationship definitely can change your life in very positive ways... it's not about being co-dependent or hoping someone will solve all your problems so much as introducing an element into your life that demands you start acting, thinking and feeling differently.

 

[bcsr]

So yeah, a good relationship definitely can change your life in very positive ways... it's not about being co-dependent or hoping someone will solve all your problems so much as introducing an element into your life that demands you start acting, thinking and feeling differently.

If you require another person in your life to start thinking and feeling differently, yes, by definition, you have created a relationship based on dependency. So what happens when it ends? As it most likely will.

 

[planemo]

As with everything there are pros and cons. Relationships I assume are no different.

I have this mentality that finding a girl will solve everything. I know that's not true. It might solve some things, but not everything.

in fact i know for certain if i were to get married tomorrow i'd be opening up a huge amount of potential problems for me. but certain aspects will definitely improve.

Ultimately I do think it depends on who you are, what makes you happy and what you're willing to put up with in a relationship. Sometimes some people are willing to make due in abusive relationships since abuse is just one of the cons, but they are willing to let it slide due to the pros of being attached, whatever they might be.

I don't think relationships are a cure for not loving yourself, but it does have the potential to help you break out of self loathing since there are positives to it. Again, as I said it all really depends on the persons involved.

That's my rather inexpert opinion.

 

[S_Spartan]

Let's also not forget that being in a relationship carries with it a certain amount of social validation because if you can get another human being to tie themselves to you then society may see you as a better person. You have passed a test of sorts.

 

[Kiwong]

Because without any kind of connection the world becomes a cold and fearful place.

I think some sort of connection or relationship is important to survival. It's a live saver for me to come home and know that at least my pet cockatiel will be pleased to see me, and that for once in my life I might think or worry about another living thing other than myself.

The last few weeks have been rough for me, but when I reached out to family and friends there were people who were there for me instantly. And it was bloody good to reach out and connect and talk to them on the phone. And to discover that I have so much in common with some close relatives, including a shared battle with depression and anxiety. That members of family have similar battles- its in the genes.

It was good to reach out and find, not everyone has a problem with me, not everyone is talking about me, not everyone has given up on me. That the sun was going to come up on another day.

If I make the effort there are people who care. I need to reach out and meet them half way.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

Let's also not forget that being in a relationship carries with it a certain amount of social validation because if you can get another human being to tie themselves to you then society may see you as a better person. You have passed a test of sorts.

I don't necessarily think you should rely on how society thinks if you are a good person or not. I have seen many times, though that couples are often paired together but their personalities differ from one another(extrovert/introvert, unstable/stable, ect.) Sure you could be happy in a relationship for a while, but what about when the problems really start to begin? I wouldn't actually say a relationship, but it's the honey moon phase type of thing people get wrapped up in. After a while, the person is going to look at the other's differences and find them annoying or at least they are too much of a burden for the other to handle. I don't think people who go into relationships understand that it takes a lot of work and commitment but they just want to hurry into the relationship and never think that problems will happen to them.

 

[S_Spartan]

I don't necessarily think you should rely on how society thinks if you are a good person or not.

What I meant is that people may treat "attached" people better or even be more likely to give them chances.

People treated me better when I was attached. Especially other attached people. It's almost like a club. They see you differently.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

Being in love in general makes you happy.
Having someone to hold makes you happy.
Knowing someone cares about you makes you happy.
You have something to do besides make yourself more miserable.
You're not as focused on yourself because you have someone else to think about-- it's a good thing.
Knowing someone likes you makes you feel more likable.
Seeing them knowing you like them makes them feel more likable, which makes you happy.
You have someone you can always talk to about anything.
Sex releases endorphins, which make you happy.
You're more motivated to do things because you actually have to consider what they want to do, and being active makes you happy.
You don't end up sitting at home and driving yourself crazy all the time.
If you do something, you aren't just doing it, you're doing it with someone else.
You can share the housework, split the cost of things, etc... which makes life in general easier.

So yeah, a good relationship definitely can change your life in very positive ways... it's not about being co-dependent or hoping someone will solve all your problems so much as introducing an element into your life that demands you start acting, thinking and feeling differently.

I know most people would think like that, but what about when that all stops? What about when that person will get so sick of trying to take care of someone's instability or keep having to always be dependent on that one person because they don't have what that person has? I personally( and this is just my opinion) but I see that as a more honey moon phase relationship, especially in the beginning. Not to mention that later on arguments will start to rise and the person who was once happy with that spouse would lead into an even bigger depression than they had before. I've seen many sites girlfriends/boyfriends/wives/husbands all saying that they were depressed and suicidal that their spouses left them for anything about themselves that might've annoyed their spouses. I'm guessing people aren't actually in love with that person but they just thought they were though.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

What I meant is that people may treat "attached" people better or even be more likely to give them chances.

People treated me better when I was attached. Especially other attached people. It's almost like a club. They see you differently.

Oh, sorry I misunderstood you. Though, I hate when people decide to do that to you. They start acting rude and mean but when you get into relationships they treat you better? It's almost as if since you're in a relationship, I guess that defines you as being cool.

 

[Livemylife]

I don't get it either. I don't get how being in a relationship suddenly cures lonliness if the person has support from friends and family. I'm not trying to knock it, just saying I don't get it. I've never been in a relationship and have little romantic desire. I can't help but look at couples and find them puzzling.
I look forward to reading responses to this thread.

 

[Lorn]

I would chalk it up to validation-seeking rather than love. People in a relationship are receiving validation, whether or not they're in love, and have someone who's obligated to treat them kindly, listen to them, and reassure them. It's like a band-aid.

It's easy to idealize from a distance as the mark of a "socially successful" person, and trying to chat up women (or men) is a lot easier than fighting social anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem.

 

[Mittzu]

i do agree with you, having a relationship doesn't mean nothing to some people, it is very relative, what can make u happy may not do with other person, it is really a variable thing, i rather seek my objectives than being love by another person...

 

[kilojoule]

great post op!!!!! :thumbup:


I totally agree with you. Relationships do not fix people. You have to sort your stuff out before you enter into one because more people = more problems. Another person can not be held responsible for your happiness, that is an unfair burden to place on another person and codependance is unhealthy. Too many people believe someone else can make them happy which may go some way to explaining there are so many dysfunctional relationships out there. Relationships are hard work and if both parties have a whole load of issues going on going into one, it will be a carcrash.

A functional relationship can make people happy...a dysfunctional relationship can only make people unhappy.

You really have to sort out your own stuff before entering into one and hope the other person does likewise.

 

[Luckylife]

I am willing to enter a relationship for several reasons, one is that if I have had close attention from a girlfriend, for the next few days everything seems right and I feel wonderful. Naturally a full blown fling is even better. A relationship is about interaction and I'd love to see the reaction if they find out what its like at my place. When I am with a girlfriend it is like everything is right because they will say lovely things to me, tell me I am the best and give me love and affection. It is selfish and addictive.

 

[OceanMist]

As far as a fix-up thing for depression goes, one could definitely prove that in many cases finding a g/f can be a big cure for that depression and loneliness. Having someone to have deep conversations with on a personal level can work as your own therapist except with benefits of love and affection.

I've been thinking about this more lately. Without others, we are dead inside if it's a continuous thing. I'm in a position right now where I almost have no friends, no g/f and I am depressed. Telling me to be happy alone right now is kind of crazy if you ask me. One can't possibly be happy if they are always alone.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

As far as a fix-up thing for depression goes, one could definitely prove that in many cases finding a g/f can be a big cure for that depression and loneliness. Having someone to have deep conversations with on a personal level can work as your own therapist except with benefits of love and affection.

I've been thinking about this more lately. Without others, we are dead inside if it's a continuous thing. I'm in a position right now where I almost have no friends, no g/f and I am depressed. Telling me to be happy alone right now is kind of crazy if you ask me. One can't possibly be happy if they are always alone.

I see what you are saying but I think to be in a relationship, you can't always rely on that person to keep you happy as long as you can work on trying to do it yourself. I think quite few of you have misunderstood my thread. I'm not saying you should be happy right away, especially when you are depressed. I'm saying you actually need to build on keeping yourself happy so it's not just always that person trying to take care of you. It's good to have friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, family by your side, but it's better when you have a good therapist or counselor to talk about your issues as well. And you know, Oceanmist, I'm just like you. I have no friends, no relationship with anyone, and I too feel sad sometimes. But that doesn't have to mean that I should just rush into a relationship because it'll cure everything.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

I would chalk it up to validation-seeking rather than love. People in a relationship are receiving validation, whether or not they're in love, and have someone who's obligated to treat them kindly, listen to them, and reassure them. It's like a band-aid.

It's easy to idealize from a distance as the mark of a "socially successful" person, and trying to chat up women (or men) is a lot easier than fighting social anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem.

I think that's the only thing that people think about in relationships is that one of their spouses will be the one to magically take away the other's problems but they shouldn't always have to be the ones to fix everything. I know I might offend some of you who may or may not have relationships, but I think it's a little selfish that your spouse has to pick up and take care of all your problems. You shouldn't always turn to your boyfriend/girlfriend for them to fix everything for you.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

Also, what if you're in a relationship with the wrong person who won't treat you right? I think that's so difficult in finding a relationship is to find the person who is right for you. If you are in an even bad relationship, that might escalate your depression to become even worse.

 

[Odo]

If you require another person in your life to start thinking and feeling differently, yes, by definition, you have created a relationship based on dependency. So what happens when it ends? As it most likely will.

I'm really not sure what you think a relationship is supposed to be. If two people are completely indifferent to the relationship, then why are they even together? Relationships aren't just sex contracts between people.

And if I love cooking, it makes me happy, it breaks up the mundane routine of my existence and I'm glad that I discovered it as a hobby, do I have a dependency on that?

There's a difference between obsessively, jealously clinging to someone and realizing they make your world a brighter, happier place.