Which is worse?

[Carol]

Which is worse:

Being lonely (or missing out on a friendship) because you're afraid to talk to people,

OR

Getting rejected when you try to talk to people?

There is a risk either way. I tend to see the risk of getting rejected as being much more painful than the risk of missing out on a possible friendship. But maybe in the long run, I lose a lot more by not trying.

 

[simpsons2007]

I would say being rejected is worse because that wont help me get over my problems with social anxiety thinking that every time I try and talk to someone I'm going to get rejected and it just reinforces the reason why I'm the way I am

 

[Phoenixx]

I would also say being rejected. I would much rather suffer with being lonely than to be rejected every time I tried to talk to people.

 

[superfluouslyme]

I personally would rather miss out than be rejected, but they both suck eggs. On the one hand, if you are missing out, then you'll never really know what it's like to have people you love (other than family) in your life. But being rejected hurts so bad that it's hard to put yourself out there. It's really a lose/lose situation.

 

[philly2bits]

I've been through both and the memories of getting rejected are far, far worse than those where I chickened out. The OP is right however, you lose more in the long run by not trying than by facing rejection head on. It may hurt more in the short term getting rejected over and over and over, but the odds are on your side you will find acceptance sometime, somewhere. Avoiding rejection so you can avoid temporary pain will only lead to misery and loneliness. This is something I am only now starting to fully grasp.

 

[Hastings & Main]

Unfortunately, one of the important things about life that they don't teach us in school, is that rejection/failure are going to be about 70% of the pie.

If we were taught that in the outset, and then given every kind of reassurance and reason for struggling forth, how to persevere, what to do in certain situations etc etc, we'd be better off as a society.

I could have used that a hell of a lot more than f'n algebra...

Face the fact that it's dangerous out there, but the rewards in fighting are worth everything...

 

[kihira]

Rethink "rejected" and its associations. Maybe think "didn't connect with that person" or "they weren't the type of person I get on with". Rejected implies something wrong with you

 

[Apotheosis]

I'd rather be rejected (or otherwise turned down, as phocas said) than miss out for lack of trying.

But that's a conscious thought; even when I feel comfortable I rarely approach people, which could be a subconscious fear of rejection.

So basically, there exists sufficient psychological precedent to justify any behavior with any explanation.

Coincidentally, I don't trust psychologists. Which obviously stems from a deep-rooted fear of anteaters, of which I was underexposed as a child.

I have no conclusion to this rant, so I'm just going to stop talking now. -.-

(See first statement if you're looking for thread-relevant content.)

 

[Kiwong]

Rejection is by far the worst of the two for me, it has led to the development of my anxiety. I am too sensitive, and haven't a thick enough skin to deal with rejection. I'm talking romantic rejection, it has let me develop the belief that no one would be interested in me anyway.

I'm trying to learn to learn to trust people all over again, to earn their trust on a totally platonic basis. I'm not rejected by people on a connection basis, I am developing positive connection with loads of people, and that feels great. I need that.

I can't say I suffer from being lonely when I can develop platonic connections. I think that is enough.

 

[Josette]

I think being rejected feels worse because you have an audience for it.

...so you avoid being rejected for so long that one day you wake up and realize you've let 25+ years go by being afraid of rejection and you know you'd rather experience the pain of rejection a 100 times than know that you're always going to be alone. But you're still afraid, so you still don't reach out.

 

[Kiwong]

I've experienced the pain of rejection several times in my life, and I don't want to go through it another single time. I'm comfortable without that horrible feeling in my life, and I'm not alone, and I don't feel lonely.

 

[juan_sa]

being rejected for sure. Its a huge hit to my self esteem.

 

[Tripolar]

Rejection, definately

 

[Bittersweet]

Is it possible to ever get to a point where rejection doesn't sting so much?

I mean, is there a way to learn how to handle rejection without taking it so personally?

If so, I'd like to learn how.

 

[CosmicNeurotica]

Is it possible to ever get to a point where rejection doesn't sting so much?

I mean, is there a way to learn how to handle rejection without taking it so personally?

If so, I'd like to learn how.

Bingo.
It seems it never gets any easier. No matter how many times you go through it, how many friends you may have to help you, the hurt is the same.

 

[Paahi]

Getting rejected.

 

[Feathers]

Which is worse:
Being lonely (or missing out on a friendship) because you're afraid to talk to people,
OR
Getting rejected when you try to talk to people?

Well, rejection sucks, but think about it - is it ever really 'rejection'?

Like Phocas said, maybe you just didn't connect with that person or maybe they were just 'busy', or they were having a bad day (or a bad century) or maybe they have totally different interests/views on the world/priorities/plans in life or that afternoon/insert what you think might be important....?

Chances are they might even be distracted or don't wear glasses and might not have recognized you (happened to me a few times, and people thought I was being 'posh' yikes..) maybe even with glasses haha...

At least you tried, and maybe they were rude or absentminded, so shame on them-??
(You can find better and lovelier people elsewhere!! )

And is it ever just 'either' - 'or'? We like to think it in 'black' or 'white' - either this person will be totally enthusiastic right away and totally love me and accept me, or they will hate me forever - and in real life it's rarely like that...

People can like you just a little, or in a different way, or they may like your hat or your personality or the way you crochet or your interests in gardening and horticulture or Aztec artefacts or neolithic insects... and people have different categories of friends and some may have 'slots' for certain categories filled...

So it may be easier to find friends who are new to town or who share some of your interests.. and to not expect too much at first, just to maybe be friendly acquaintances and maybe more later..

Maybe people need time to get to know you better, or to see you on a repeated basis before they can trust you (maybe they have sa too or are shy, even if it doesn't look like it at all) etc.
Some people may seem really 'sociable' but may later admit they can only be that way with old friends or relatives they've been with from childhood, and have trouble meeting new friends - and may admire you for easily meeting new people!! (happened to me, shock shock) Some people may have so many relatives or a big family and busy life that they may not even have a 'need' for new friends..

People may also have different time slots or life categories 'available' - for example, someone may be busy during the week, but may be happy to see you on weekends or in holidays or when their work/life isn't so busy etc. Or at certain events or workshops or hiking trips etc. Someone said to me, 'I have party friends, and people I go to coffee with or have meaningful conversations with.' (?) Some people can do multiple things, ideally you can enjoy many things with friends, but if someone really hates galleries it's maybe better to not drag them there and find someone who'll go there enthusiastically??

There is a risk either way. I tend to see the risk of getting rejected as being much more painful than the risk of missing out on a possible friendship. But maybe in the long run, I lose a lot more by not trying.

I think many people with sa have a problem with this, and may prefer to stay 'safe' rather than maybe risk a bit and maybe meet interesting new friends!!
And maybe other shy people are just waiting for your first step and have no idea you'd be happy to be their friend or might be interested in the same things too!!

 

[Looking_in105]

'Being lonely (or missing out on a friendship) because you're afraid to talk to people' is the worst.

there'll nearly always be people out there willing to hear you/be your friend, IMO.

 

[Fighter86]

Rejection.

 

[shybutsexy]

I'd rather being rejected because at least i tried, so guilt feelings that my loneliness is all my fault goes away and i can be in peace with myself.

However if i dont even try, then i have no right to complain about my situation since im not even trying to improve it, and i feel a lot worse and depressed since so far my loneliness IS indeed my fault, if i try and fail atleast i can say that my conscience is clear and my loneliness is not my fault, therefore i dont deserve my suffering.