sullyS25
Well-known member
Gotta blame someone, this is very true
What girls want and me
- Thread starter upndwn
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Gotta blame someone, this is very true
Aletheia
Well-known member
Aletheia
Well-known member
Not even compromising: it's simply sheer delight in finding someone who's awesome in all sorts of ways you didn't know to look for.
People with SA tend to believe one of two things:
They think others think bad things about them.
or
They think they think others think bad things about them.
It seems to be a huge debate over whether or not others are actually conditioning us into being socially anxious by judging us, or whether we are irrationally afraid of being judged, causing us to be anxious over nothing.
And I guess each of these things could be true, for different people.
Me? I know it's all in my head, but that doesn't give me a great deal of comfort.
psych
Well-known member
I went out with a guy (met him on a dating site)that has Aspergers and was still a virgin into his middle age... Matter of fact, years later, we are still close friends...
I love/d the fact that he always told/tells me the truth, even if it hurts. I found safety in that.
sigh*
I guess what I'm saying is that in this dysfunctional soup, there really is someone out there for you. Even if it maybe isn't forever.
I wish all us lonely ****ers could hook up.
I love/d the fact that he always told/tells me the truth, even if it hurts. I found safety in that.
sigh*
I guess what I'm saying is that in this dysfunctional soup, there really is someone out there for you. Even if it maybe isn't forever.
I wish all us lonely ****ers could hook up.
KiaKaha
Banned
I would actually really enjoy seeing a thread to expand on this - of course men are picky and shallow.... do you have any idea how much discrimination and expectation there is toward woman to have a perfect body and looks? Men are just as picky as women.... and I have never argued against that.
I'm not having a go at you here Hoppy, but I can't stand that word - "settle." I used to know someone who used it quite a lot and it always made me want to yell at her "It's not 'settling', it's called compromising, and it's what grown ups do when they realise that life isn't going to hand them their perfect wishlist all wrapped up with a pretty little bow on it!"
Compromising - is a key idea. Giving someone a decent go to prove that the good out weighs the bad. I have always found it fascinating that undesirable characteristics seem to hold more weight than the good. Its like you have a mark against you every time someone sees an undesirable trait.
have enough strikes = lost interest and giving up, despite how well you came across initially. Not confident? Too bad for you - how about giving someone the benefit of the doubt? I still hold my opinions - sorry if that upsets anyone - we are all to blame. I just think its a sign of the times - lets dismiss and cast off everyone who doesnt fit into this mould of perfection.... its easier that way. Because actually making an effort with someone who people dont see as equal or identifiable with is just too damn hard.
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MikeyC
Well-known member
This thread really should've ended here. Great post and I agree 100%.
I have no idea.
Do any of us fellas here have any fixed idea?
I've had three long term relationships since being 23. Each one completely different from the last.
MrSunday
Well-known member
And I want a snow cone!
Anyway, I really don't know what girls want. What you said contains an element of truth I suppose.
1BlackSheep
Well-known member
And a pony, dammit!
chibiXphantom
Well-known member
it impossible to fit someones fantasy of a "perfect" partner exactly, or even be close. half of what people say that want in someone is contradictory. and to want to date someone without problems? thats impossible. everyone has problems.
i personally prefer someone who is just themselves, however flawed, troubled, and "imperfect" they are. i dont want someone perfect or a "knight in shining armor". id want someone real and maybe just as weird and messed up as i am haha
i personally prefer someone who is just themselves, however flawed, troubled, and "imperfect" they are. i dont want someone perfect or a "knight in shining armor". id want someone real and maybe just as weird and messed up as i am haha
Waybuloo
Well-known member
I don't understand why you think my point of view could not be argued with and that I refused to see it in a different way? I did say at the beginning that I recognise that your way of doing things has cleared worked for you and the other user. That is great. What I wanted to present to the table is that your way is not always true, that it is not a resolutely absolute statement of fact to be taken as gospel, because from my personal experience, it is not assumptions that are the problem, it is the way people are and the way people react to shy, quiet, awkward behaviour. And when one experiences such behaviour so often one knows what to expect as it seems to be the cultural norm. Once again, I reiterate, it is an educated assessment which is more often than not true. It doesn't mean I don't accept other opinions, including that of yours. My quoting your post in the first place was not a challenge of your status quo, but of my presenting another shade of grey.
I have no problem with direct comments but it's the way your statement - 'and how has this worked out for you' that sounds provokingly sarcastic. Anyway maybe this is the way you speak to people. It didn't hurt my feelings, I am not that easily offended by people I've never met and know nothing of personally, bar insults. Your statement and your explanation thereafter also assume that I am here because of the sole problem of having negative assumptions, when my problems are multifaceted and complex.
sullyS25
Well-known member
You are correct, my truth and my beliefs are not the gospel, I apologize if I presented them that way. I personally have found so much strength in the ideas I have learned that sometimes I push them on people too hard. I don't like it when people do that to me so I shouldn't do it to others, thank you for pointing something I need to work on. I am not perfect and have areas of my life I need to work on. That being said, let me share what has been my truth.
In the past I too used to think it was the way people are and the way they react to shy, quiet, awkward behavior....as you said. I also viewed it as the cultural norm. I ASSUMED that this was how people reacted to shy, quiet, awkward behavior. My perception matched my thinking and my thoughts were confirmed. Thinking back on it, I only focused on the times people ridiculed me for acting shy and timid. Since I have learned to accept that I am shy and be confident in my shyness I have realized not everyone is like this and I have stopped assuming they are.
This may not be your experience and I certainly know it isn't everyones truth but it is mine. I do know that social anxiety does involve distortions of reality and they take many forms. This was one of mine. That is what I wanted to share I appreciate you helping me to learn that the way I share things can come off as acting like a preacher. It helps me to grow.
Opaline
1
Well put!
This applies to many things people struggle with. While I don't deny that there are assuredly people who don't try hard enough and like to just wallow, what about those who have the experience to back up the way they see they are being perceived? It is maddening to constantly be told that it is all just in your head, just your own bias. Some conclusions we arrive at because we have experienced the same thing time and time again.
Speaking from personal experience: I am treated differently because I look very young for my age. It gets to me. I don't just have the look of a two or three year age difference, I look about six years younger than I am (based on the majority of comments I've received), and I've been told by people that they thought I was up to NINE years younger. That's all well and good when you've reached a "mature" age where you are getting older and worrying about it, haha. If you know what I mean. But when you're a young woman and are basically being told you look like a little girl... not flattering. At all. I once had a girl tell me "You look like a baby". Not exactly a compliment. And I have been told by a few people to take it as a compliment. Or I've heard "At least you don't look OLD", well sure, but in my opinion either extreme is just as bad. I can't change it, it's been accepted. But it is still something I have to deal with CONSTANTLY. And I do mean constantly. Any time I go out somewhere for an extended period of time. Never mind going for a drink...
Based on my own experience, people treat me differently because they think I am much younger than I am. And why wouldn't they? I look like a young teen so they treat me accordingly. And when I tell them my age, they gawk in disbelief and don't believe me, and then laugh and keep staring at me like I have two heads. Not making this up, it has happened to me MANY, MANY times, so by now I can pretty much predict people's reactions. I even had a girl in the supermarket accept my ID but then, once she looked up at my face for the first time actually looking at it deliberately, she smirked and said, "Wait, can I see your ID again?" I had never felt so humiliated while buying alcohol, I wanted to run from the store and just forget it.
Sorry that was off-topic, but it is related to the quote. People come to conclusions based on what they've experienced over and over. We're meant to do so.
Tbh, when I'm in a group setting I don't really talk about what holds deep significance for me. It's much easier to say, "Oh, I love brunettes!" and to keep the conversation kind of superficial and fun than to go into the deeper stuff that I value about another person. Like I would probably never tell an entire group of girls that I like sensitivity in a guy, because I would have to go into a loooong explanation and it would be embarrassing. In other words, it's really hard to talk about the things that you like that not everyone would agree with because it puts you on the spot.
But just because I like brunettes, it doesn't mean that it's important for my potential mate to have dark hair. Not at all. In fact, if I were to go out looking for someone special, their hair color wouldn't even enter the equation because it's not important.
But just because I like brunettes, it doesn't mean that it's important for my potential mate to have dark hair. Not at all. In fact, if I were to go out looking for someone special, their hair color wouldn't even enter the equation because it's not important.
is that all they said that they want from a man ???
its just ridiculously funny and most stuff easy to achieve.But for that i want a woman who will cook for me every day,clean the house,pay the bills,does the massage for me when i come back home tired,do the shopping,never bitch around that she has a bad day or doesnt want to do something,also did i mention cleaning bathroom sinks,washing clothes and so on :] if any such woman are there im willing to take the challenge also lets not forget the kids that they gonna have to carry around until they are 18,but i will be a good father,just skip all the going to schools and meetings stuff :] hope someone gets my point.
???its just ridiculously funny and most stuff easy to achieve.But for that i want a woman who will cook for me every day,clean the house,pay the bills,does the massage for me when i come back home tired,do the shopping,never bitch around that she has a bad day or doesnt want to do something,also did i mention cleaning bathroom sinks,washing clothes and so on :] if any such woman are there im willing to take the challenge
also lets not forget the kids that they gonna have to carry around until they are 18,but i will be a good father,just skip all the going to schools and meetings stuff :] hope someone gets my point.
speakerheart
Active member
Good read
Thanks for posting. Not all of what i read is true.Every female on this planet has a list of qualities/ attributes their s/o should possess.I do too.Butt..you know, as you get older real women don't go only for looks and money or dare i say it.. Good in bed lol I wouldn't really read to much into what a bunch of teenagers are saying about what they look for in a man because in time..their list will change.
Richey
Well-known member
I don't think i'll ever find a relationship, maybe out of sheer luck. Everytime i am close to being friends or liking another female i keep thinking there are 1,000,000 other guys out there, probably better in social status, looks, personality. Every single time my mind just dismisses that anything could happen and so it never does. And then i see her again later down the track with a guy and guess what, they (the new boyfriend) are usually better in some way, whether its their job, looks, height, humour. It sort of justifies my decision to not bother. Its really sad but when you are a male and you're sort of nerdy looking, you don't feel like you can bring that physical masculinity that you see from most couples. If you don't have that then you need a strong character and personality, if you lack that then it's really tough to get anywhere in life, especially relationships or dating, its really horrible.