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[Odo]

I was thinking the other day of how I have always pretty much assumed that the Star Trek so******t utopia will always come to pass.

I guess it's an example of how the media can influence your perceptions to the point where you feel confident that the future will be alright. But it probably has a lot to do with the fact that everything in that world is totally plausible, with the exception of aliens that look exactly like humans but with a few ridges on their nose.

At the same time, I feel like the coming decades are going to be truly difficult for the vast majority of people. I've said this before, and I'm always open to the possibility that this global warming thing won't turn out to be so bad, or that a true leader will step up and wage disparity will be reversed... but I feel like it's going to take a lot of suffering before, say, the corporations are absorbed by the government and turn into so******t entities that provide full benefits and rewarding lifestyles for their employees... oh, and space exploration.

The general trend of human history has been towards utopia... there have been collapses along the way, but it's sort of like the markets... they only ever really go up in the long term. We'll probably figure out a way out of all of this... but I don't think it's going to happen in my lifetime.

Still, I know it's possible that we might not get there... that we'll just be too confident or unable to agree, and then before we know it, we've lost it all forever. It won't even turn into something better before it's gone... and even though we had the potential to turn into something better, it will be too late... and then we'll never get that potential back.

That's a pretty horrifying prospect.

 

[Rawz]

That's a pretty horrifying prospect.

It is. And I worry that it's what's going to happen.

It just seems like too many people wait to act, or react, until it is too late. Or best case scenario: they wait so long that there is irreversible damage. I could be very wrong with this though.

Fingers crossed.

 

[Odo]

Thanks for responding Rawz.

I know that nothing lasts forever, but if we never get to the point where we aren't fighting and everyone gets what they need and we live in harmony with each other and the planet and the universe, and if we never evolve into a cloudlike consciousness adrift in space I'll be pretty disappointed. Maybe they can reverse the damage eventually?

In other news, I was wondering exactly why the word filter was filtering out soc!alism and finally realized that it's probably because of the impotence drug. They really aren't taking any chances with that!

 

[Odo]

I have over 6,400 views on my journal... that's quite a few. But when you take into consideration the traffic that this site gets from unregistered members and how a view doesn't necessarily imply engagement, it's probably not such a big deal. I'm sure that more than I've been looked at more than 6,400 times by strangers since I started this journal, and most likely I just registered as 'person'... or 'foreigner' when I was in Korea, and I guess that probably means a little more attention being paid to me than average, but ultimately I was dismissed completely from their minds. And so it probably will be with this journal, and with my memory when both I and everyone who knows me is dead.

I was thinking about counting all of the different thought topics that race through my head on a random day... I think it might be quite a few. Maybe I could rate them on how interesting I considered them to be... and then count the number of 10/10 topics I think about every day. I wonder if it would actually help me to develop a richer internal life... it would force me to pay attention to aspects of myself that I would ordinarily dismiss in favor of a more efficient narrative.

I think that once I get past the basic 'me' voice, a lot of really weird stuff goes on in my head throughout the day... and I don't pay attention to it because it belongs to something that isn't important to the tasks at hand. But now that I'm unemployed, I don't necessarily have any tasks at hand, so I feel like I could actually make contact with the collective unconscious... sort of like how monks do only basic tasks and spend a lot of time meditating or losing themselves in their introspection.

I wonder if I actually bothered to pursue that stuff if it would end up being more interesting than the other stuff that forms the basic character of my most recent hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, annual, etc. narratives. Maybe they would blend together into a state of timelessness and a walk-in spirit would rise up and push me out of my body. And then that spirit would be so relieved that it finally has tangible existence it would completely turn my life around and achieve all of my shallowest, most materialistic dreams.

I wrote a short story once about a police officer who allowed himself to be possessed by the ghosts of criminals so that he could be the perfect undercover agent. But of course they ended up using his body for all kinds of horrible things and he ended up addicted to heroin and dying of multiple STIs. It was part of another story I wanted to write at the time.

Anyways, I've only read about half of Ulysses before abandoning it, but I love the idea that a single day actually has the scope of an epic journey... where every single aspect of your day connects in this intertextual fashion to all of the greatest myths of our time. It probably explains how myths achieve a relationship with ordinary people. We're all living them in our own way.

I remember someone mentioning to me a novel that did the same thing for a single minute or something, but I can't remember who told me or what the book was called or who wrote it. I don't know if it would be as good, though... it seems like you'd have to really stretch to fit enough compelling material into a single minute, and it would be pretty difficult to flesh out your character based on a single minute, unless you cheated by going into memories that were connected to the memories at hand somehow, how the memories at hand were influenced by experiences in the past and attitudes and concerns about the future. But then, I suppose that every moment at hand contains kernels of the moments that spawned it... it's just that we tend to focus on the more novel aspects of each moment and dismiss the rest-- maybe because if we did experience the full impact of each moment as it exists connected to the moments that preceded it, we would go insane... we need to really train ourselves in order to be able to handle that much information. Or maybe we would need to evolve, or become cyborgs, or die.

Sometimes I think that we slowly dissolve into a stream of endless cosmic information when we die.

 

[Odo]

Last night I was wondering if ghosts can travel through time.

I think it was leading to something but I can't remember what... maybe some sort of ironic torture where after you die you finally gain enough perspective on your life to know what went wrong. Probably not... it felt a little more novel than that at the time.

Anyways, I just got back from a glorious snowshoe... I can't say exactly what was so awesome about it because I followed the same tail I always do-- I think because this time I started at sunset and continued through to twilight. And at one point the sky was this really amazing purple and the moon was out and the snow was reflecting that colour everywhere.

I love being outdoors at night. I think I'm pretty nocturnal by nature and actually being out there in the darkness is just awesome. I used to hike up the mountains in Korea in the afternoon so I would get that extra buzz of worrying whether I would make it down before it got too dark to see... and seeing the sunset from the peak was always cool and a little bit scary. I keep trying to get my parent to go snowshoeing through the woods at night with flashlights, but they never want to do anything that doesn't fit into their routine.

And just now they were looking at the videos of our Olympic team and wishing our family was as freespirited... I took it to mean they're not so proud of me. But it's not like they've been huge on grabbing life by the nads either.

 

[Kiwong]

Sometimes I wonder something similar. Like a ghost from present goes into my past and says "Don't give, it's going to be alright." To have a chance to change before it is too late. I know it's impossible but it is comforting.

 

[Odo]

I'm not so big on the idea of being watched, even by my future self.

It reminds me of the people who claim that God is full of compassion and love and God doesn't reject you, you reject it... probably out of fear, or a desire to be alone, I guess.

I feel like I reached a low point yesterday... I think because I haven't been sleeping properly. I got really depressed and angry and frustrated.

I had this messed up dream in the morning about being smothered by cats. I like cats but in this case they were being too affectionate and while at first I really liked the fact that they were there, they went too far and I had to tell them to hold up a bit. It wasn't exactly a 'bad' dream, though.

 

[Odo]

I have decided that Greenberg is the best ever movie made about people with social anxiety.

The reason I like it so much is because the lead character is so unlikable and so defensive and so nasty. He's essentially a perfect douchebag with a mental condition, and you get why people hate him so much, but you also feel sorry for him in this really uncomfortable way. He is constantly, stubbornly at odds with society and most of its conventions (these don't come off so well either) and treats everyone else līke shit... possibly without meaning to, but mostly because he hasn't grown up, hasn't moved on, and can't get over himself. He does a lot of things to avoid facing his mistakes, and places self-preservation above everything else.

He avoids people no matter how awkward it makes the situation. And like so many people with SA (well, a significant number), he gets the expected courtesies right, but like a lot of others when he does or says the right thing there is this sense of being condescended to or of it being insincere or hiding some unpleasant truth, like he's saying it but doesn't mean it... or like he knows it's going to be received poorly but is cornered and needs to give himself an out. Like he's trying desperately at all times to hide how he actually feels about the situations he's in... but it's still perfectly obvious that he's uncomfortable.

He seems manipulative without being good at it. He gravitates toward women with extremely low self esteem, and makes them feel even worse about themselves... mostly due to his own insecurities and anxieties, but also probably to get some kind of control over them. I think the worst of it is that he probably does want to do the right thing, but he doesn't know how, and when he tries, it comes out wrong. Even his honest soul-bearing is wrapped in narcissism.

Watching that movie is like this awkward, painful catharsis that actually forces you to question your own ugliness. I felt like I saw a lot of me in that character... especially when he's explaining himself or when he's doing the exact wrong thing because of anxiety or whatever.

I cannot give this film enough stars.

 

[Kiwong]

Not God, Odo, self compassion is what I referring to.

Getting perspective on life when you die? I reckon you have to get perspective in this life, because there is nothing after death.

 

[Nanita]

Watching that movie is like this awkward, painful catharsis that actually forces you to question your own ugliness. I felt like I saw a lot of me in that character... especially when he's explaining himself or when he's doing the exact wrong thing because of anxiety or whatever.

I cannot give this film enough stars.

Watching movies that make me look at my own issues, difficulties, loneliness, sometimes brings useful realizations. As I watched a movie called One Hour Photo where Robin Williams plays a character who lives a lonely life (and develops a creepy behaviour because of that) I got scared that my loneliness and isolation would become as severe as that. I said to the person I was watching it with; I see my lonely self in his character, as outragous as it might sound. He was disturbed and told me I wasn't like that at all, and I felt that I shouldn't have shared that information. Years later I watched it again with another person and I actually said the same; however this time, the respond was, so do I, I can relate to that loneliness and I fear that I'll end up like that.

It was really nice to realize that someone else could relate to something I felt no one ever could. It made me think that maybe the answer is to connect with people who can relate to the same things and feelings, rather than compare myself to what seems far away and impossible to grip.

 

[Odo]

Thanks Nanna... I would have to agree that it's better to connect with real people but then when I see the worst aspects of myself in real people it just makes me feel worse.

Sometimes I think that I'm like those people and it makes me want to distance myself from them, but then at other times I think 'no, I wouldn't want someone to do that to me' so maybe in some ways I can relate to them better than people who haven't been the 'left out' person. But it's tricky to balance empathy, sympathy and self-preservation.

Overall, I don't think anxiety/being misunderstood is a bad thing, but I do think that it can be dealt with in a bad way, or that if you're not careful it can turn you into a bad person. I also think it's important to be realistic/honest with yourself and admit that there are painful, unfair things about reality as well as hopeful things and that you can have a sense of humor about it or at least face things with some semblance of dignity.

Still, if you meet characters that can turn that sort of thing into a kind of appeal, it makes you feel good about yourself! I would often get that I remind people of D!ck in High Fidelity:

And eventually he finds himself a shy, neurotic girlfriend-- when I saw this in the theater people seemed to really be pulling for him and I heard a girl behind me go 'awwwww' whenever he was onscreen... which made me think there was hope for myself.

Also, when I was a little older I discovered the band of Montreal (back when they were psychedelic pop instead of the Prince thing they eventually turned into) and Daniel Johnston and I realized that being a loser prone to bouts of puppy love can be kind of cool. Daniel Johnston's schizophrenia isn't something I envy so much (that would be horrible, actually), but they really sold the whole sensitive soul thing and I felt at least a little bit redeemed... and oM was so ridiculously childlike, unassumingly cynical and vaguely creepy that I couldn't stop listening... it was like I was gaining this whole new perspective on myself. I could actually think of myself as a cool 26 year old virgin!

Some people actively despise early oM for being too cutesy, but I still listen to The Gay Parade every now and then and a lot of the songs still connect... but I think I'm too old and jaded now to completely climb back into that mindset.

And it all came crashing down when oM turned into this gaudy disco funk thing with songs about ****ting around and post-op transsexuals and albums named after imaginary sex positions and such... they're still really well-written songs but it was almost like the earlier stuff wasn't real. But I guess that's how music image works! I know I'm no longer 'pure' or as innocent as I used to be either, though... it was easier to sell the sweet shy kid when it was more socially acceptable to not be a responsible, confident, enterprising adult.

People will not longer look at me and go 'awwwww'... it's okay to be clueless like that even into your 20s, but when you're in your 30s it's frustrating bordering on creepy. People will just look at you and think 'grow the **** up!' or think you're literally retarded. There's so much pressure to conform to a very very specific set of attributes and you need to shed all of that immature bullshit-- unless of course the people you care about the most actually appreciate your immaturity .

 

[Opaline]

Watching movies that make me look at my own issues, difficulties, loneliness, sometimes brings useful realizations. As I watched a movie called One Hour Photo where Robin Williams plays a character who lives a lonely life (and develops a creepy behaviour because of that) I got scared that my loneliness and isolation would become as severe as that. I said to the person I was watching it with; I see my lonely self in his character, as outragous as it might sound. He was disturbed and told me I wasn't like that at all, and I felt that I shouldn't have shared that information. Years later I watched it again with another person and I actually said the same; however this time, the respond was, so do I, I can relate to that loneliness and I fear that I'll end up like that.

It was really nice to realize that someone else could relate to something I felt no one ever could. It made me think that maybe the answer is to connect with people who can relate to the same things and feelings, rather than compare myself to what seems far away and impossible to grip.

I can relate to this and Odo's response so much. I wanted to say more but I'm really tired. It's just... I read these and thought of how crazy it is to find the exact thoughts and feelings you thought were unique to you, in others.

I mean, of course other people have felt that way; there have been too many humans in existence for anyone to have a truly original thought/experience. It's easy to forget that though.

 

[Odo]

I mean, of course other people have felt that way; there have been too many humans in existence for anyone to have a truly original thought/experience. It's easy to forget that though.

^That's one of the things I tell myself when I think about death. Really, when I die, not so much will be lost-- all of my thoughts and ideas will still be around in other people's heads. But I guess what makes it special is the way it all goes together, how you deal with the information, and how you feel about it all.

So today I took this political spectrum quiz that so many people know about, and I think it's pretty accurate in saying that I am a filthy pinko communist:

I'm also non-authoritarian, so it's not like I'm Stalin. I'm only slightly more libertarian (not in the dumbass American free market idiot way) than Ghandi.

 

[Nanita]

mine..



...seems accurate..

 

[Odo]

mine..

View attachment 3443

...seems accurate..

I guess this means we would get along?



So today I'm going to write about that behavioral sink article I posted in another thread, because it's something I'm really very interested in.

CABINET // The Behavioral Sink

Basically, John Calhoun created a utopian 'universe' for mice where he fed them, cleaned the cages, gave them ideal homes and of course, kept them perfectly safe from predators. There was no scarcity of food and no reason for any of them to fight over resources.

In the beginning life was great and they multiplied-- it was utopia. They reproduced constantly, but what this meant was that without predators, eventually there were simply too many mice. They were constantly bumping into each other, and there weren't enough meaningful social roles for all of them (ie: jobs). Some of them became randomly violent, and for the rest it became too difficult to defend themselves from the attacks, because there were too many. So they started doing the same thing, or simply dropped out of society.

Normal social discourse within the mouse community broke down, and with it the ability of mice to form social bonds. The failures and dropouts congregated in large groups in the middle of the enclosure, their listless withdrawal occasionally interrupted by spasms and waves of pointless violence. The victims of these random attacks became attackers. Left on their own in nests subject to invasion, nursing females attacked their own young. Procreation slumped, infant abandonment and mortality soared. Lone females retreated to isolated nesting boxes on penthouse levels. Other males, a group Calhoun termed “the beautiful ones,” never sought sex and never fought—they just ate, slept, and groomed, wrapped in narcissistic introspection. Elsewhere, cannibalism, pansexualism, and violence became endemic. Mouse society had collapsed.

All of the mice who could reproduce lost their social ability to do so... so even though the population level dwindled back down to a 'manageable' number, they were no longer 'true' mice... so they couldn't prevent themselves from dying out.

In a way, the creatures had ceased to be mice long before their death—a “first death,” as Calhoun put it, ruining their spirit and their society as thoroughly as the later “second death” of the physical body.

I think there are some pretty clear connections to be drawn between all of this and social anxiety. I sometimes feel like I've been so isolated for so long that I'm not exactly a human being anymore... I think that when most people meet me, they can sense this inner chill that I have and they feel a need to distance themselves from me. Not out of disgust, or out of fear, or out of some sense of me being a threat to them... but because their instincts tell them to avoid me. It could be because they know there are better options for friendship out there and they're not currently desperate enough to waste their time on me... my lack of friends means I can't provide them with connections to others, so I make a really bad stepping stone to the people they actually do want to spend time with.

I think I'm probably still part human, but I'm not integrated or socially functional enough to consider myself a 'true' human. I'm like some sort of alien hybrid with weird hangups about the most basic, most natural impulses... and even though I recognize that I'm like this and I even have some understanding of what a human being is and what it's supposed to feel like to be one, it's just not who I am-- you can't force yourself to feel a certain way. Maybe you can participate in things that will make you feel that way and if you practice enough you can convincingly approximate that, but I feel like I've become so picky and so demanding about my social interactions that I've gotten to the point where I can't feel comfortable unless everything is 'just right', as if everything needs to bend to the ever-distorting signal from my alien physiology in order to not piss me off/trigger my anxiety-- and as a result, it puts people off.

I wonder if I've experienced the first death... I think online you run into people who aren't looking for sex or marriage, who are 'wrapped up in narcissistic introspection'-- men and women who are frustrated with each other in general. Obviously, this journal is full of narcissistic introspection-- maybe not to the degree of facebook or twitter or that sort of thing, as I don't try to create an image of myself as the ultimate fun-loving life-appreciating people-magnet, but it's still pretty bad. A lot of it is due to having too much time on my hands and procrastination... I get lost in narcissistic introspection because it's what comes most naturally to me.

But in fact the full span of Calhoun’s research had a more positive slant. The misery of the rodent universes was not uniform—it had contours, and some did better than others. Calhoun consistently found that those animals better able to handle high numbers of social interactions fared comparatively well. “High social velocity” mice were the winners in hell. As for the losers, Calhoun found they sometimes became more creative, exhibiting an un-mouse-like drive to innovate. They were forced to, in order to survive.

"High social velocity" mice were the winners in hell... again, making me think that we are definitely in some stage of that hell right now. "Creative losers"-- yep, sounds about right. I'd like to think of myself as a creative loser, because I know I'm not a winner and probably don't have it in me to ever be one. But at least I'm creative.

You see a lot of people proclaiming that online as well.

 

[Odo]

Among all of the others things I have been thinking about lately, one of the things that has stood out has been this very small story in the news about 'rape culture' on university campuses. Recently a group of guys in the student government at a university were publicly humiliated and threatened with suspension over some comments they made in a facebook conversation-- something about raping the head of the student union or something.

I think a few years ago when I was jaded and overall not very happy, I would have said that it's not worth ruining the reputations over a few comments that probably weren't meant seriously, but today I think they kinda deserve it. I mean why shouldn't people be expected to treat each other with respect when they're not around?

The idea of these ****s being given a pass and then using that kind of talk to bully and intimidate people really pisses me off... and that's what it is, basically-- they're trying to exclude perfectly competent people from positions of power by reducing them to an archaic stereotype. It's tastelessly brutish and the worst part is that I know with some people it's probably highly effective as well. It's not unlike nationalism or racism-- it's dehumanizing someone on the basis of their gender in order to exclude them from your 'club'... which are also just bullying divide-and-conquer tactics.

I definitely think that that kind of thing shouldn't be tolerated and I think we would be a better society in general if it were taken more seriously. If ****s and bullies weren't given free reign or couldn't count on their behavior to be excused or written off as 'boys will be boys' or whatever, the world would be so much better.

 

[Odo]

I was thinking today about self-deception.

One thing about getting older is that not only do you become more independent, you also become more practiced at the art of self deception. There are external forces involved in this, but I think there are also internal ones. The external ones become a lot less prominent when you're no longer institutionalized-- and yes, I mean school -- but the internal ones persist.

It's really difficult to balance your emotions, your ego, your hopes and dreams and the truth. I mean, you can tell yourself 'yes, I already know that', but at the same time that sort of confidence is probably the biggest part of the self-deception. Just because we have heard things and understood the concept doesn't mean we are able to recognize these patterns within ourselves... and in fact a thorough understanding of the concept can actually distort the concept into part of the deception.

This is one of the reasons I think I feel so insecure... because of all those moments where I reach out and feel like there is nothing real to hold onto, or that I can't trust that anything is real. Everything is potentially an illusion... some people choose to believe in some illusions and find strength by refusing to admit that they aren't completely real. You can always hammer your opponents into submission so long as you refuse to be open to the possibility of these things not being real.

I was thinking today about the whole 'I hate society' thing, and part of me will always suspect that one of the reasons I hate society is because I want to, because then I can give up on it and not have to face up to my lack of success within it. Or maybe part of it comes from not understanding it. It could be this mix of ego and fear. BUT on the other hand, even if all of those things are true, it still doesn't mean that there aren't legitimate reasons to hold society in contempt... just that my reasons aren't noble.

But does it matter? Should people only have 'pure' motivations for their actions and attitudes? I think I could probably at any time reduce myself into the most grotesque caricature in my own mind, or build myself up into the most noble... or possibly something in between. But the conflict between these two things is actually a big part of my inaction, my failure to act.

I remember reading something in a W.S. Burroughs anthology about two simultaneous contradictory signals creating a sort of paralysis... I think that's a pretty accurate description of my life recently. A state of paralysis that I'm desperate to break out of, but cannot bring myself to because doing so would feel dishonest. It could also be a question of comfort... and perhaps I'm just reluctant to shift my perspective or the concrete has hardened and it's all set.

But without giving too much away, recently I have encountered something that has amplified and heightened a yearning in my soul... to reach out into something I don't necessarily understand and don't need to, and to remove myself from paralysis and limbo and choose something magical without worrying whether or not it makes sense or is honest or follows whatever horrible oppressive rules I've laid out for myself, or that external forces have laid out for me.

I suppose if you choose something, throw yourself into it, and it is something that makes your life richer and makes you feel more alive... then whether or not you're deceiving yourself becomes irrelevant. As long as you believe, you will be able to make it real... I really do believe that. All you have to do is not give up and not give into your doubts. I suppose you could get chewed up and spit out, but without trying you'll just decompose... and living with pain is probably better than living in fear.

 

[Odo]

Sometimes I think about how I've disappointed my parents.

Right now my mom is having a pathetic consolation session with one of her friends on the phone, and in her own way she is reassuring herself over and over about me not being a success... because apparently that's perfectly okay for her. She probably doesn't realize that I can hear her.

Sometimes I think my biggest problem in life was that my parents weren't involved enough, or didn't push me hard enough to do things I would have wanted to do if I could have gotten over some initial apprehension. It's like this horrible downwards slide where you just keep being okay with shit until finally you're a failure and you don't even care.

I also think that my parents think that failure is some permanent thing and that the window has closed for me. Sometimes I wish they were dead just so that I could focus on being my own person more. I think I've depended on them too much for things... I guess because while everyone else just ****ed off or I pushed them away or whatever, they were the only ones who were always there for me. But maybe I would have been a better person if they weren't. Maybe they made it too easy for me, and in turn I didn't grow strong enough to succeed.

I don't really respect my sister very much either. I mean, she has achieved material success but I don't think she's a good or great person. I'm not saying this out of envy--- the thought has crossed my mind that maybe I just want that for myself, but it's simply not true. She did get into a field that makes money and I guess in some way helps people (she works 'behind the scenes' at a hospital)... but it's not contributing anything important, it's just filling a space that other people have always filled and could fill if they wanted to, going through the motions, etc... ie: not pushing anything forward. Her husband is extremely wealthy but is actually doing something worse than she is... he helps rich people get tax breaks, and openly admits that his entire business is dependent on these rich people and doesn't give a shit about the rest.

My mother was convinced for the longest time that I was 'better' than teaching EFL abroad... in some ways I think that's true, but unlike my sister's job, and unlike her husband's job, teaching is something where you can actually excel and you get to apply and discover qualities of yourself that can improve you as a person and improve the lives of others. I mean, yes, she can look under a microscope and identify samples, etc... but I'm not sure how that would compare to watching a 12 year old boy go from a shy, defensive, lost little kitten to a lion who wins the top prize in a public speaking contest.

Now I'm not doing anything... I'm forcing myself to do websites because it's got potential to make money, but it's boring as **** and every fibre of my being is telling me it's not going to make me happy. Money makes me happy because I feel secure, and that's what I like... but in other ways I think it won't ****ing matter because unless I make at least one wholly original and important contribution to the world, probably something artistic, I'm not going to reach my full potential.

I need to push myself to take more risks... to tune out all of the bullshit online that tries to fit everything into some formulaic how to manual and really reach for it with all the force of my heart and soul.

 

[MikeyC]

I don't really respect my sister very much either. I mean, she has achieved material success but I don't think she's a good or great person. I'm not saying this out of envy--- the thought has crossed my mind that maybe I just want that for myself, but it's simply not true. She did get into a field that makes money and I guess in some way helps people (she works 'behind the scenes' at a hospital)... but it's not contributing anything important, it's just filling a space that other people have always filled and could fill if they wanted to, going through the motions, etc... ie: not pushing anything forward.

You're going to have to explain this to me.

Working in a hospital, no matter what you're doing, contributes to the health of citizens, even if you're not there using the defibrillator. And not everybody wants to be in that pressure situation, or is capable of doing that. I have to disagree about her not contributing, because perhaps in her mind she is, while also making a good chunk of money in the process.

teaching is something where you can actually excel and you get to apply and discover qualities of yourself that can improve you as a person and improve the lives of others. I mean, yes, she can look under a microscope and identify samples, etc... but I'm not sure how that would compare to watching a 12 year old boy go from a shy, defensive, lost little kitten to a lion who wins the top prize in a public speaking contest.

Again, this is your idea of success and personal achievement, which is different to your sister's, which is different to mine, and so on. I agree that teaching can be a very rewarding profession, but it's not for everyone.

 

[Odo]

Maybe this is going to be annoying because it's two entries in the same day, but I have to say last night I was doing this guided meditation thing and I realized that a lot of my go-to symbols for concepts I can't quite understand are basically just things I've seen in movies.

I mean, at one point the woman said 'picture the energy of the universe' and I couldn't just release and allow what I imagined to be the 'reality' of that to come, the concept was oppressively linked to an image from the Stargate sequence from 2001: A Space Odyssey. And when she taked about earth energy, I kept returning to the most insanely boring, typical rapid-capture shot of seedlings breaking through the earth. I guess at some point I tried to imagine this sort of nebulous mother figure in the heart of the earth, transforming the bad energy into good... but it all seemed too cartoonish and basic to feel 'right'... and while of course the unconscious parts of my mind were doing their job, the conscious parts were sort of sitting back going 'come on you can do better than that'... I tried to shut them up but it wasn't working, and every mediocre image just made them more frustrated. I did feel it all happen and I think overall I managed to clear some negativity-- it helps I think if you realize that that conscious voice isn't 'you' but rather just a part of your whole self that is typically dominant, and imagine space between the voices/components of your 'whole'-- but at the same time I was haunted by it and in the end it was still there ranting away from its little room in my head, begging for attention and refusing to STFU.

But yes, conscious voice is negative and critical but still somewhat supportive, which makes me like it because I know it means well... but it can be an annoying little ******* too, and what it says to me most certainly gets to me. I think the images last night remind me of when I see people communicating and immediately recognize the ideas they're putting forward as something I've most certainly read online somewhere... it doesn't always make me angry or disappointed because I know that I do it and that there are no real, truly 'original' ideas that are purely a product of syntheses, and in the end I suppose I 'forgive' people for doing that for whatever reason be it self-interest or selflessness or whatever... but it also makes me feel defeated somehow, because it's almost like there's no reason for people to even talk to each other anymore, because all of the answers they receive from each other or would use each other for are already available online. It's as if the impact/human element of all this information has been dulled, the information itself has lost a lot of its weight, and it's impossible to encounter something that feels truly, powerfully original.

I mean, the eternal truths are there and always have been there, and there is a sensation you get when you touch them briefly, but then the impact fades and it becomes part of you like the noise of a machine buzzing in the background. I hate the idea that you can just receive the information and it's not coming from someone, it's not helping you connect with anyone, it's not special or meaningful, it's all dressed up in a website with ****ing adsense trying to sell you shit in the margins... and when it actually works, that kind of makes me even more depressed.

Maybe it's the hunger for novelty that is responsible and it's not that I'm actually getting sick of hearing what the ****ing solution is or watching people put problems and solutions together like puzzle pieces in order to receive some brief sense of satisfaction for how well they played that matching game. I mean, if it's solving the problem it's probably a good thing... but I still kind of wish all of this didn't exist so the answer could be magical and weird instead of scientific/practical... or even that the answer didn't matter because all that really matters is that you've experienced that connection with the person who is telling it to you, and the connection is the point.

I wish that I could lay back and meditate without feeling like my head is polluted by endless amounts of electronic audiovisual information impairing my ability to tune into the higher planes. This is again why I feel the need to get away and get back to basics and detox... completely sever all ties with the establishment and its images... because as soon as something is articulated, it begins to lose its power-- all of that energy is released and the representation completely swallows the reality like a virus. It feels good when it is released and there's a rush, but that rush is also mostly destructive... I think that these things can be renewed but the whole process just seems so futile.

I think it would be amazing to live my entire life as if it were all some deep, inarticulable secret that no one could ever know, even though they definitely know it's there. Like an amazing tv show that is constantly building and building and building and you want to know what happens in the end, but then it just stops and you'll never actually know... and you beg and beg the creators to give you more, but they won't do it. But I guess that's sort of a cop-out... it's probably best to have like a really satisfying ending with everyone so they want more but at the same time they know it's over. But that is almost impossible to accomplish.