Unknown Sample

Odo

Banned
I suppose I'm going to be one of those online blogging people now… not sure how long I'll be keeping it up, however.

I have just over a month left before I'm fully unemployed. This sort of makes me uncomfortable, but on the other hand, it could be worse. I have enough savings to probably get me through the next year and then some, so at least I don't have to worry about that… even though I guess burning through my savings is no way to live.

Anyways, I know that this is probably insane, but I can't stop thinking about this crazy idea I have to not start looking for a typical job and to use the year to make an independent film. I was sort of hoping to have more saved up first, but it looks like that's not going to happen and I'm getting older and this is something I've always wanted to do with my life.

I've also been feeling pretty inspired lately and have basically the whole script in my head-- I've written it so that I only need about 3 different locations, which should make things a lot easier… and there are also only 3 parts in the entire thing, so I won't need to worry about managing a big group of people, which I'm sure would be the hardest part about making an independent film.

The hardest part is going to be figuring out how to actually live while I'm making it. I'm giving serious thought to making it in my hometown… it's the kind of thing where I really wouldn't need to do a lot of moving around, and plus it would be nice to be near my parents… they're retired so they might even be willing to get involved-- ha ha… I could make a movie starring me and my parents. You know… that might actually not be such a bad idea!
 

selon

Well-known member
The movie idea sounds great!!! The financial plan has to be well-thought out but you seem so inspired that you should be able to make it :)
 

neardeath

Well-known member
It sounds like you are ready and have things planned. If we don't follow our dreams, what will we follow? How exciting!
 

neardeath

Well-known member
Anyone who exercises that much and fits your description probably looks pretty darn good! Don't be so hard on yourself!

As far as relationship, the right one will come along someday. That's what I keep telling myself. I don't want to be with ANYONE unless they're the one. Maybe that's what's going to happen for you. Anything less than rocket love isn't worth it.

I can't imagine having enough oomph to work on a movie. Show your stuff and get on it! :)
 

JohnnAY

Well-known member
Ooo your film sounds exciting! Well if you need a story board artist, I wouldn't mind helping. I could use some more pieces in my art portfolio.
 

neardeath

Well-known member
with my best love, there was just an unsurpassed comfort level. I'd be okay if I never found it again. Guess I got lucky? RIP JRG.
 

JohnnAY

Well-known member
Well... I guess I have to take time off from all the yacht parties I go to *le sigh*. Haha jk, it's really no problem at all. I'm actually in the process of developing my portfolio so this could be a fun experience. I personally find the best motivation is when other people are counting on you; in a way, you're helping me as well.

It looks like you're putting a lot of effort into this! I'm genuinely excited for you. Have you ever considered of doing some kind of kick starter event?
 

neardeath

Well-known member
I sometimes wonder if I'm happier than people who actually have the things that everyone is so sure will make them happy.

Sure, I have this anxiety thing, am super isolated, have no one to talk to except online, and for all intents and purposes do not have what most people would consider a very successful existence. I have no children, have never been married and have never even in a long-term relationship. I'm obviously losing my looks. It's harder to stay thin, and I would even say that my brain isn't even half as sharp as it was say 10 years ago. When you're pushing 35, you're supposed to have already gotten the things that will last you your whole life... and right now, except for my savings, I'm basically in the same position I was in after finishing university.

But if I'm completely honest, I'm not even really bothered by it. Well, I am... obviously... but I don't think I'm as bothered by it as other people would imagine themselves being bothered by it. I don't feel like a failure, necessarily... I don't feel like a raging success story or anything, but yeah, I definitely don't feel any real urges to go out and find someone. I kind of like being free... and to be even more honest, I don't even feel like dying alone would be the enormous tragedy that some people think. I just don't want to die slowly and painfully... I don't care if I'm alone or not.

I think I was more bothered by the whole 'girls don't like me' thing when I was younger... as soon as I basically gave up looking, it became easier to content myself with being alone. It's the hope that was making me so depressed, not the solitude.Being isolated like this has helped me to accept that life doesn't actually revolve around such things. I hate feeling out of place in society, and people do go out of their way to make you feel like that-- but that doesn't mean I'm wrong to not cave into the pressures.

And if I can content myself with that fact, who out there has any business telling me that I'm wrong?

Acceptance is a good attitude that we can all learn from. :)
 

neardeath

Well-known member
For the past few weeks, I have been in love with mainstream music from the 80s. I can't really explain it because until recently I've despised that time for music. Maybe it's part of my regression. It makes good workout music... it almost makes me wish I could drive and had a car, because I would totally just be driving around right now blaring Huey Lewis and The News and pretending I was in a Delorean.

My fave 80s band of the moment is Wang Chung... and also early Madonna, but there's no way I would ever cop to that shit in real life. Still, I hate the fact that the big single from Wang Chung is about partying... it always makes me feel like a loser and even vaguely nervous to hear people calling for a celebration... like 'yeah, the people who wrote this song you like would think you're super lame'.

I think people like us are looking for something more meaningful than what are often shallow "celebrations" where everyone shows off. Most of the people at the party are suffering, too. They just pretend not to.
 

neardeath

Well-known member
What a horrifying thought, neardeath.

I'm starting to get really sad about saying goodbye… I guess because I'm starting to realize that a lot of the students who I thought had stopped respecting me completely actually do like me. And I said goodbye to my favorite co-worker today as well… I think I really felt it when I was sitting in my office after all the kids had gone home and it was so quiet. I honestly didn't think I had much of a bond with any of the kids, but I guess I did.

I guess another reason that I'm sad is that I have no idea what I'm going to do when I get home, and I'm absolutely terrified of trying to get another job. I don't have any skills really and I would need to go back to school to get a proper job-- and I realllly don't want to go back to school, because not only is it complete bullshit, I don't even think it would get me a job, because chances are I'll be sitting in an overcrowded classroom full of people I would have to compete against in a field where there won't be any jobs by the time I finish. It's also expensive and anxiety-inducing, and I feel like I might end up dropping out anyways. I've given so much money to universities and I regret pretty much every single moment I've ever spent doing it.

I guess I'll say this too-- I'm also not so sure about this site. I thought it would make me feel better about everything, but in a lot of ways it's actually making me feel worse. I don't know what it is exactly, maybe it's just the fact that all online forums are sort of like that… but yeah, I feel like an outsider. I think it's probably the way I conduct myself in general because I'm not very good at being warm, approachable or funny.

Finally, the film. I've started to seriously reconsider my script and am now going to hopefully tone it down quite a bit and make sure everything happens in just one place. I just remembered the Linklater film 'Tape' which was still pretty expensive ($100k), but I think that was only because of the actors… it was all filmed in one room and the tension between the actors carried the whole film. It was a good example of a story with great characters and something to say…

I struggle with the forum, too, Odo. I go up and down every day with it. I stay because I really don't have another outlet. At the same time, you never know what will happen here. I'm glad you're here. Hang in there. :)
 

neardeath

Well-known member
Well, I have faith in your obvious determination! You have what it takes to think it all through. You have my best wishes.
 

neardeath

Well-known member
Thanks again neardeath!

I am sick right now... I think it's food poisoning. I haven't been sick at all for about 2 years... this is terrible. I haven't worked out since Friday. I looked in the mirror and I felt absolutely disgusting. I think I might have actually looked better before I even started working out... at least then the fat was evenly distributed. I have weak skinny arms and hideously skinny legs and then a fat stomach and my ribs are showing. It's horrible. I'm not feeling very good about anything right now.

Sorry you're sick! Yuck!

Don't even get me started about my body image. :bigsmile:
 

coyote

Well-known member
It's amazing how in a bigger 'Hollywood' context the moral of the story would be that the best thing that could ever happen to nerdy losers would be to find a woman who will force them to change into something more socially acceptable, so that they can turn into terrible people that everyone loves, instead of being good people that everyone just shits on all the time.

perhaps not as dramatic or romantic to consider, but it is totally possible to be a socially acceptable good person that everyone loves
 

Odo

Banned
So yeah, in the past 3 years:

I went to Nepal and did the Annapurna Circuit for 10 days-- it's not the highest I've ever been but I went over 5000m and the scenery was spectacular. Then I was in Pokhara for a while and saw a Tibetan refugee camp, and then went to Chitwan and spent a few days in the jungle, and then to Lumbini where I saw the Buddha's birthplace and all of the temples from all of the nations (the German one was the best).

I think in a way this was the beginning of the end of my wanderlust... I stayed in a really crap hotel and one day I woke up with a tick on my stomach. Ticks in general are nasty, but when you wake up with a tick on your stomach in a third world country where people are wandering around naked, living in straw huts and are just generally living in unsanitary primitive conditions, it totally freaks you out.

On my last day I saw the old city in Kathmandu, which was pretty impressive-- they sacrificed a cow? there. I didn't see the actual sacrifice, just the aftermath and the dancing. I guess that kind of thing would be eye-opening for a lot of people, but I just couldn't shake the notion that even if I was seeing these things, it didn't matter because nobody back home would actually understand, nobody around me thought anything of it, and I had nobody to share it with. I can talk about it, but really I don't know what to make of any of it and I don't know why I was seeing it, or how I really feel about any of this stuff.

That vacation was wayyy too long and I spent too much time in really filthy places... I was there for almost a month because when I booked my flight I had planned on doing the entire Annapurna circuit... but it was too expensive, because I needed to hire a guide because I didn't want to do it alone (that would have been scary and ****ing stupid). The trails were basically deserted and it was seriously like hiking through the old west, and sleeping in what were essentially ghost towns buried in the mountains. There are no roads (they're changing that as we speak, however) so every now and then you would see a donkey train moving supplies from town to town. The second or third day (I can't remember which) was soooo eerie because it was cloudy and gloomy and we were getting higher, walking on these winding paths through the mountains... and we finished in what was basically a stony desert, with a dried up salt lake and then a town in the middle of it. I think we were pretty much the only ones who were staying there... a store was open but I swear I was the only tourist. At night there was no electricity and it was really cold... most nights all that we would do is sit by the firestove to keep warm, drinking tea. Over the ten days, I met a grand total of about 9 other tourists... that's what the down season is like. On the second last day (the summit day-- well, going over the pass day and reaching the highest point, since there is no real summit), I saw a man who will forever be burned into my memory... I can't even really explain it. I saw him only briefly and should have taken a picture, but I was seriously too stunned. He was some sort of spiritual wanderer or something, and he had built this hut out of blankets just outside the temple... and when I saw him he was basically this black shadow-- and the way he moved was just so... I can't explain it, he just moved like something really dark and really terrifying. Like his humanity had slipped away and he had become this sort of creature. I don't know why he made me feel so uneasy, exactly... considering he was supposedly on a spiritual journey. Maybe because I'd imagine you'd probably end up confronting a lot of darkness on such a journey... or maybe it was just my own fear. I didn't really see him up close, though... and on the way back from the temple, he was gone... probably inside of his little hut. Somehow, that made him even scarier. I'm not sure why I'm talking about him right now.

On the last day in Kathmandu, I saw a real-life leper. I guess someone who is from India wouldn't be shocked by any of it, but it was too much for me. I've heard that Nepal actually comes as a relief after India, so I've decided I will probably never go to India.

I don't know maybe I would be willing to go back... it was definitely an experience (but of course these things get better when you remember them whereas when you experience them you're just sort of taking it in and not really feeling much of anything). But I think I'd rather go to Greenland.
 
Last edited:

Odo

Banned
That summer I went to Borneo and got my open water diver certification. It was a pretty awesome place to get certified, even though they don't really teach you much and I think if I was to go diving back home they would be rolling their eyes at the fact that they let someone like me pass the test. I mean that as well... the instructor seriously let me sit in my room alone with the test and the book with all of the answers in it. But to be fair, the course is kind of a rip off because it's only 3 days, it's a LOT of stuff to remember, and they don't give you an opportunity to study in advance.

Anyways, I went down about 29m on one dive and we did a lot of things that novice divers aren't supposed to do... and I swam with thousands and thousands of jackfish-- they all swim together in the same direction so it was seriously like a tornado of fish or something. It was pretty incredible... I think it's where the people who designed the Matrix got their ideas for the robot squid cloud thing because it was pretty much the same... they all swam together and turned at the same time and everything.

I think that was one of my all-time favorite vacations... it was just a week and all I did was dive (and go to a zoo and see some orangutans on my last day), but it was a great time. 6 dives over three days, two travel days and then a day at the zoo... and a comfortable hotel on my last night. I accomplished all of my goals and enjoyed myself without doing anything too demanding. And everything I saw and did was awesome.... I think that's why I decided to go back to Malaysia the following year.
 
Last edited:

Odo

Banned
Then I went home the next winter and then I went to Malaysia again the following summer-- that was a mistake and probably the worst vacation I've ever had. Not just because it wasn't new, but because I didn't really think it out and ended up going to places that really didn't have much to offer me. It was nice to go swimming and such and I guess I spent a day doing some alright snorkeling (I saw a turtle and stuff).

But ultimately, I felt horrible. I felt horrible because I was all alone and everyone else was there with friends or family. I didn't have many moments where I didn't feel anxious or self-conscious. It was just not the kind of place I should have ever gone to. I don't know why I decided to go there... I guess I thought I wanted something restful, but yeah, it was awful... almost punishing. Every time I had to go to a restaurant I felt like I was calling attention to the fact that I was alone. Every time I went swimming I had to watch the couples on the beach, or the people with kids, or the friends talking to their friends. It felt like I was the only person who was alone. And I hated it. I can't remember the name of the place... I think I had a plan to go to a beach first and then get some diving in, but it was a shitty touristy spot where I couldn't really get around or do anything or see anything interesting.

I sort of just kept my head down and wondered why the hell I was there. I think I had a day where I went snorkeling on an island, but it was merely alright. The people weren't friendly and even if they were, I didn't meet anyone that I actually clicked with. I should have gone somewhere else or just stayed home and gone to a local beach, because at least then I could have gone home and saved myself a lot of money.
 
Last edited:

Odo

Banned
So after that disaster, I went over to an island on Thailand for diving and made a huge huge mistake... I will never ever forgive myself for it.

First of all, I got to the beach and it was the down season so they had parked an enormous garbage scow on the almost pristine white sand... and it sat there stinking up the beach for pretty much the entire time. Almost everything was closed and even though I wouldn't have wanted to see a lot of people, it was still pretty shitty. I mean, ultimately it was just a beach island and there wasn't anything really special or interesting about it.

My troubles started when I got a really bad sunburn. When I went to arrange a dive for my birthday present to myself, the woman there recommended that I go to a massage place because they give these sunburn massages that really help. I was kind of reluctant to do so but ultimately I didn't have much else to do and I was scared of having to talk to the people hanging out at my hotel, so I went for it.

Sufficed to say, the woman went a little too far... she told me to come back that night around ten and I said I probably wouldn't, which was true. I wasn't quite sure what to make of it... everyone else seemed to think the massages on the island were legit so I thought that maybe she just liked me.

But my sunburn did feel better so I thought about it. Anyways, the next day I went on my dive and I was the least experienced diver there... so i ended up feeling really out of place. The divemaster was really rude and pushy and I think the fact that it was my birthday made me feel super sensitive. I met a women there who was getting over a divorce and I think she was looking for some 'fun' with someone who seemed safe, so she kind of seemed to like me... I guess because compared to the typical people in Thailand I don't come off as looking for a casual lay so I must be 'clean'. The part about not looking for a casual lay is basically true, but there's something that happens in Thailand... I can't explain it, there's a kind of attitude towards sex that makes you feel like everything is just going to be alright and it's all in good fun and there's no reason to make a big deal out of anything.

Anyways, the diving was really crappy and I couldn't see anything and there were really strong currents that I didn't know how to swim in and they gave me a crap BCD that was leaking and couldn't inflate properly... I came away from the whole thing feeling really angry and annoyed and useless and sad... I can't really explain it, I think it was because everyone seemed competitive and showoffy about their diving skills and I was the big loser who didn't have any experience and who probably didn't 'earn' a real certification.

Later that night there was a party at the big hostel on the island and I ran into someone who told me I should go... but I thought that I might see that girl there and I got scared by the idea of even going to a party. I felt really stupid for getting scared and started beating myself up over it... and the rest of the vacation as well. I just felt lonely and pathetic and old... and then I ended up walking past the massage place... and yeah, I went in. Well, after my massage she was being really aggressive about you-know-what, and somehow I managed to convince myself that she just liked me and there wasn't anything really sketchy about it when I guess any idiot could probably see that there was.

So yeah, we went back to my hotel room and yada yada yada, the next morning she asked me for money. I was legitimately shocked at that point even though I probably shouldn't have been, because it was Thailand and everything. But really, what bothered me wasn't that I had slept with a prostitute (though yes, that does bother me now), but that in the heat of the moment I hadn't actually thought to protect myself. Yeah, pretty horrible.

She took almost all of my money and I barely had enough to pay for my hotel and catch the ferry back to the mainland... it was really a close call because I only had 5 baht left after the hotel bill, which is hardly anything... and there were no ATMs and no one accepted credit cards. But my ferry ticket was already paid for so that was a break.

I spent the whole day looking for a hospital and begging them to put me on PEP (basically, you take AIDS drugs and it prevents the virus from 'taking hold'). They didn't have any of the 'new' variation so I ended up taking the 'old' version, which is poison, for a month... I honestly don't know how people who actually have HIV do it, because I was constantly feeling ill. I would wake up, take the pills, feel absolutely horrible for the whole day, take the pills again at night, and feel horrible. The only thing that settled my stomach was eating... specifically, eating bananas... so I was constantly eating.

Well, in the end I tested negative for absolutely everything... I didn't get tested for HPV but since I'm not involved with anyone I don't think it matters... I could have gotten that a while ago, though. Yes, I know with HIV you need to wait six months but the tests they give here are something like 95% certain after the first one, because they look for both the antigen AND the antibodies, whereas the American test looks for only the antibodies, so you have to wait. Yes, I should probably get tested again to make sure of everything... but I haven't even been sick and that was almost a full year ago. I'm pretty sure I'm alright, considering the PEP was within 24 hours and you're okay within 72... and I got tested for everything a month later, then HIV after that... I wanted to be thorough about it. So it looks like I got away with it, though I feel like that was probably a milestone of some kind.
 
Last edited:
Top