Unknown Sample

[Odo]

Today I had my Chinese class, which was really stressful again. I'm at the point where I'm going to quit because I can't bear it any longer.

The alcoholic guy was hitting on the 'teacher' the whole time... pathetically. Every single part of our lesson was disrupted by him... we had to listen to him ask dumb questions about things unrelated to the book, constantly trying to show off, interrupting the real teacher in order to 'teach' us... and whenever anyone tried to call him out on it, he would swear at them. In fact, I can safely say that I didn't learn anything at all and all that I gained from being there was a lot of anger and stress. This is a day where I have no classes at all, and it is without a doubt the most stressful day of my week.

The instructions for each exercise were ignored-- pronunciation exercises inexplicably became vocabulary exercises that went on and on and on, completely missing the point. Every time the 'teacher' would try to do something, the other 'students' (who are supposed to be teachers themselves) would talk about random shit in English. Every time a new word was introduced, it would lead to some anecdote about buddy guy and his kids, or alcoholic would ask some question about something unrelated. There was no focus, no clarity, nothing... it was just going through the book, badly. The only time I ever really learned something was when I ignored what was going on in class and focused on the instructions in the book-- I was the only one who did that.

Today while we were having our 'meeting', which is essentially a bunch of people sitting in a room talking about stupid meaningless shit like how annoying the school is, getting paid and food... the secretary came in and took a video of it all, and it was pretty ridiculous. She posted it on her wechat, which means the dean could see it and then something bad will happen. Things never get better, only worse-- that's the rule.

Another thing that pisses me off about alcoholic-- HE CAN'T ****ING SPELL. His grammar is also bad. And he's teaching English to people whose first language is Chinese, and who can also spell better than he can... simply because he's white. I just read the biography he posted, and not only did he end a sentence with a preposition, but he also misspelled colosseum. Jesus Christ if you know you suck at spelling at least LOOK IT UP before you set a horrible example for students, teachers, your employer and foreigners in general.

In my anger, I actually said to administration that 'I'm coming back unless (alcoholic guy) is also coming back', regarding contract renewal. The person responded by telling me 'OK, he said he'll renew his contract'. I don't know if she actually understood what I was saying, but it wouldn't surprise me. I honestly think that they might like him more than they like me, because he isn't timid about speaking Chinese, and is loud and outgoing. His memory problems also mean he doesn't hold grudges. ****.

I feel like a total loser in an industry for losers. I'm not saying I'm destined for greatness, but holy ****ing shit. Sometimes I really regret not going back to school much sooner. I don't know if my nerves can handle it now, because I get stressed just sitting in a small Chinese class with people I know.

I wasn't in the best mood anyways, but today I ended up ranting for a solid hour to one of the other teachers... almost everything was pissing me off at that point because I was so stressed and angered. I think alcoholic might have been able to overhear what I was saying... he lives next door.

I think my biggest problem is that I hold all of this shit in when I should be saying something, and don't let it out. My dad is the same way... he holds everything in until finally one day he explodes in anger-- it puts everyone on edge. The anger festers and festers until finally I explode.

I honestly don't know what the solution is... I should have left China on my vacation. I don't know if I'm capable of getting another job. Maybe I should just check into a mental institution or something.

 

[Odo]

It's quite a long ways off and dependent on whether or not I renew my contract, but I'm already dreading the prospect of having to do English Corner again.

Since I had my little meltdown and was switched to Wednesdays, it has exploded to the point where the university is forcing 170 plus students to go every Thursday. Do you want to know what they did two weeks ago? They did dancing. They ****ing danced while most of the students sat there taking pictures of it to put on wechat. The school loved it, because of the photo ops.

I will once again have no control over what I do, will have to defer to the most outgoing, and ****ing alcoholic will get to be a superstar simply because he's more of a freakshow than a ****ing teacher to begin with, which is exactly what they want.

I'm currently talking to the vice dean about it... but I don't really think she's in a position where she can do much about it. I think at this point I'm mostly just venting.

The good news is that I know a guy who works at a high school training students for special English programs and he might be able to get me a job there. An endorsement from a guy I know is good for me and for the school as well... and the classes might be smaller, and there's only 11 of them per week.

I've been feeling really depressed lately... I can't say why exactly. Little things annoy me endlessly. I hate myself for being an English teacher... it's not a good job, but the worst part is the other people.

We have this group chat thing and alcoholic guy has been going on and on... and his inability to spell is REALLY getting to me. I know it shouldn't but it's like this constant reminder that this job is bullshit.

Here are two glaring errors made just in the past day or so:

rediculous
of coarse

These aren't uncommon words. Just now a student messaged me and spelled the same word correctly. I knew how to do it in elementary school... and yet, this person is my peer, making the same money, doing the same job, and enjoying everything that I am... and even better, they gave him a ****ing ELECTIVE class where he got to put together his own class. SERIOUSLY. I didn't get an elective class!!! I guess that was probably because I didn't have any classes that hated me, though... so they all came back. But still... they have enough faith in him as a teacher that they give him his own course??? Sorry-- COARSE. Or do they just not give a shit, or feel like they needed to do something for him so that's what they did? Or is it a popularity thing? I have no idea.

As soon as I saw it, I started misspelling words out of passive aggression and frustration, knowing that the other teachers would get it but he probably wouldn't. But then I worried that it was all a little subtle and I kept thinking no one would get it and think I didn't know how to spell either... I even went so far as to say 'mein is okay'... and then another coworker brought up how the autocorrect was being funny. I said 'It's a good thing I'm only an oral English teacher'. He then started using what little German he knew (mein, get it), which was a mistake because it then meant that alcoholic guy was going to show off his German on the ****ing work-related bulletin board, and whenever he gets an opportunity to show off, he JUST DOESN'T STOP. I think he has ADHD. He started speaking German using the audio recording thing, and the other guy kept telling him he didn't speak German... and wouldn't stop. All of this on the board we use for work, so everyone who runs the place saw it. I guess it's not a big deal, but it annoyed me endlessly.

I was imagining in my head this parody of one of those 'against all odds' movies in my head, starring alcoholic guy. It would be like Rudy or Rocky, with a really melodramatic score and a slow motion sequence in the climax. It will be about someone who possesses absolutely no qualities that make a good teacher, no qualifications, very few redeeming qualities, and basically doesn't teach but just stands up and tries not to lose it... and when NOT hungover, is constantly trying to shock people. And yet against all odds, and despite the efforts of the evil experienced teachers who are upset because they want to be recognized as superior, he comes to be the most popular English teacher in China, not through willpower or courage, but due to the one-two punch of his relative youth and the ability to not give a shit about anything at all including how he is received by others.

***

Haha... so my anger has boiled over again and I just told the 'teacher' from our Chinese class that he was hitting on her. She of course had no clue. She didn't know that he was trying to impress her, that everyone else was making fun of him as he did it, that he was swearing at us when we told him to stop, that he was trying to be the alpha male as some sort of pickup artist tactic or something (which I know he is aware of and claims to despise, but insecurity and desperation have a way of making people contradict themselves on that front). Anyways, now she knows... but I have no idea how she feels about it.

I know it's pretty ****ing nasty to do that, but yeah... he ruined the class for me and I can never go back. Anyways, I'm actually considering the possibility that she'll end up dating him or something. I can't imagine it, but it's always possible... after all, it's China. Oh, and I also mentioned that I thought he was drunk that day, and told her to be careful. I can't imagine she would have any interest whatsoever. I've lived in Asia long enough to know that girls here do NOT go for the big loud showoff types who aggressively push everyone else out of the way... especially alcoholics who don't have the best reputations.

 

[Odo]

The good news is that today was a veritable lovefest from some of my students... and even from some students who aren't even in my class, but have been 'hunting' for a teacher who will help them with their English. After I talked to them, they called me their 'big cousin' on their wechat wall-- they did it in Chinese so I'm guessing they thought I wouldn't understand. I don't know if they know about the translation thing... so I posted a comment underneath in Chinese calling them cute/funny. They were so excited that they talked to me... some people would think that it's a hassle but honestly I was super flattered that they chose me. I remembered that they sat in my class one day and I wasn't sure why... I guess now I know.

Some of my students were also really cool.

The other night one of my 'problem' students sent me a message on qq telling me he was taking a rest because of his drinking problem. I had expressed concern for his welfare to the higher up, saying he looked pretty out of sorts... and I was worried about his health. Well apparently she showed him the message, and rather than be upset about it, he was touched... like, he was really really happy that someone cared about him like that. I told him about alcoholic guy as an example of what could happen... and he told me he didn't want to be like that. He isn't a bad guy... he mostly just slept in class a lot and lately hadn't been showing up. He came to the second exam looking FRIED... like he had been smoking crack. He swore at his partner in the exam, and was trembling thoughout... like he was just barely holding it together. So I feel like maybe something was accomplished there, which is awesome.

Also today one of the other professors at the school came to my class. This is a professor who always has 'helpful feedback' for the MA-in-education teacher at our school... and today after he saw my lesson, all he had to say was 'I have nothing to say... you are an excellent teacher', smiled and left. I was really nervous to hear it, but yeah... pretty gratifying. I have to admit, he saw a really good class, which helps. They were laughing and smiling and happy to see me, and I was happy too because the weather has been warming up and I've started exercising again. I was telling jokes, but not going too far... and explaining things, with eliciting and such. Yep... I nailed it. It wasn't perfect, but it was pretty good.

So yeah... some good things, some bad things. I don't necessarily feel so awesome about having so much anger and hatred in my heart right now, though.

Also, I haven't heard from the Chinese girl since.... wow only 4 days? That can't be right. It feels much longer than that. Not because I've been thinking about her, but because I haven't been... she has faded almost completely away. The whole not seeing each other for several months is probably a big part of it too.

And now I've met another girl online... it's helping my Chinese to talk to her. I swear the best way to learn a language is to just start talking with people online. They don't expect immediate replies so you can look up words and take your time piecing your communication together. Some of it doesn't stick but enough of it does for you to really feel like you're improving. I probably couldn't write the characters, but I can recognize quite a few now and type them into my phone.

The problem is that this girl is actually pretty classy... she's a big city girl. It's actually much easier to talk to her because she doesn't bore the **** out of me, but the problem is that I have to translate a lot and it's harder to keep up. She's divorced with a child, which is sort of the social equivalent of having AIDS here... but she's so much nicer than the other one. Not materialistic, smart, sense of humor, etc... I truly believe she only wants to love and be loved in return, which is exactly what I want too. She's 33 while the other one is 28... not a massive difference. It's the experience that makes her more interesting.

Wow, I sound like a total womanizer now I think.
But really, it's not like that.

 

[Odo]

I am so proud of my new avatar.
Like really, glowingly proud.

I made it last night.

This new B vitamin complex is turning me into a genius.

 

[Odo]

So today I talked again to one of the students who 'adopted' me, and she revealed that she does in fact have a foreign teacher.

Guess who it is?

Yep, it's alcoholic guy. Apparently, they didn't want to go to him... I don't know why, they just didn't think he was friendly. At least, that's the reason they gave me. Maybe the spelling problems and such were part of it.

The girl wanted to ask me a question, but she had a really hard time posing it... and she was really careful to try to gauge whether or not I was friends with him first. I don't know if she even came out with it... because she was very hesitant and very careful about it, and when I said something about all of the foreign teachers being friends, it sort of changed the issue. Wow is it ever nervewracking to have a student confront you on a personal level like that. She might have just wanted to know if we were friends... sometimes they ask those kinds of questions, but then I can't see why she would be hesitant to ask a question like that.

It could have been something worse, but she just didn't want to tell. For all I know, he could have done something really awful to them. This is China... they're afraid of confrontation and have no issue lying about things.

On the one hand, I guess I should be happy that the students like me more than him, but then I started to think about it, and I realized that if I help them in a competition (this is a speech competition) and they win, he could end up getting the credit. The LAST thing I want to do is help him win the favor of the administration. I told them that they should let the right people know that he didn't help them and I did, but yeah... it was hard not to sound petty with something like that.

And then I was really angry because now it's like I'm doing his job as well as my own. I don't have any students in the competition, though... so I guess it isn't such a big deal.

I know that's a really shitty attitude to have, and I really do want to help the students... but yeah, I cannot get over my anger and sadness and general stress. I don't even know how I came to despise this guy so much.... I should just try to put it all behind me and think about the students, but yeah, I can't.

I let the student know it too, which is really bad. I'm supposed to be a role model, and I'm letting this petty shit drag me down. I wasn't angry at her, I was angry at him.... like once again I have to clean up his mess, once again he can't do it himself. We're back to him going through alcohol withdrawal or being a **** in class or not giving me enough space on our Beijing trip while also throwing little tantrums or staying out and getting drunk and offending our amazing hosts because he's so ****ing selfish... then there's the other stuff, putting me down, being loud and rude and obnoxious, trying to be the alpha, etc...

I was perfectly happy to help them before I knew this, when I thought they had been left out in the cold with no one to help... but yeah, this really bothered me... and now it's bothering me that these students came to me in need and I ended up losing my cool in front of them.

Later on, him and 2 other teachers were talking about me in the hallway... he had told them about my 'plan' to improve the English corner by asking administration to split the huge group of 170 students into smaller ones, and hold EC every night of the week so 2 teachers could take smaller groups and it would mean less noise, less conflict and most of them wouldn't be terrified of participating.

Of course, this is after he tried to make a suggestion and I told him not to because typically making suggestions here only makes things worse... so he took that logic and applied it to my suggestion, and then used my fear of them cramming 100 students into EVERY night with just 2 teachers as if it was his own idea. I told him I was just talking to someone down the ladder... that I had invited her to our meeting and she could be trusted so it didn't matter... but he apparently went and told the others I was being unreasonable or making decisions without consulting people... or something.

Anyways, minor confrontation with 3 other teachers in which one of them used my own '100 students in a night' idea as if I wasn't even the one who thought of it and needed it to be explained to me... after which I told them that the idea was dead anyways because actually, the person I was talking to said it was possible, and on top of that I was probably leaving anyways. But really, it would be almost impossible for them to give us 100 students each night because the scheduling would be a nightmare. Just because this annoying piece of shit duty that we have produces so much stress and worry in our own lives, it doesn't mean that there aren't other things going on at the school. The reason they can cram 170 students into that room on Thursday night is because they've cleared that time on their schedule... they can't do it every night because it would cut into their other activities, and there are a lot. It's not like Uni in the west... these kids' lives are rigidly structured.

Ahhh well, I can't assert myself, so whatever...

 

[Odo]

Today I didn't go to my Chinese class, and I feel so much better because of it. Instead I went to a nearby village, which was super cool because I had never seen a Chinese village before... and the villages haven't been modernized so they still look a lot like they would have looked in the 70s.

I was really blown away... from the outside it looks like this depressing collection of houses and nothing more, but when you get there it isn't like that. The buildings are really closed in and a lot of the houses don't have running water, but it's actually pretty charming. You get the sense that the people are really a community, and there's a much stronger sense of real agrarian communism. It doesn't have the imposing grandeur of Tiannamen Square, just a sort of folksy vibe that makes me think these people have probably been pulling together and helping each other out for a very long time.

There was something really cozy about the cramped streets that the cars could barely fit on... they were designed with bicycles in mind. And there were a lot of old people just standing around watching things... watching the traffic, watching the people walking around. And everything in the stores was super cheap. I got 10 eggs for under $1.

Last week at this time I was stressed beyond belief... but this week I'm doing really well. I came back and practiced Chinese by myself-- maybe it won't work as well as taking a class, but at least I'm not out of my mind with anger and frustration right now.

 

[Odo]

Today alcoholic guy told me that he surprised his students with a midterm exam worth 20% of their final mark. He did this because he forgot to tell them about it and figured that the only way he could keep track of what he's doing in class is to make sure all of his classes are doing the same thing. He used to just ask his students what he had been doing the previous week and this was a problem because apparently a lot of them couldn't remember-- what a waste of time! Sure, it means some of his classes get to study and others are mortified the day of, but what else was he supposed to do? I think it's a pretty ingenius solution.

Oh wait... I guess it never occurred to him to write this stuff down??? :kickingmyself:

I know I shouldn't care so much about things like this, but yeah... I feel like Frank Grimes from that episode of the Simpsons where Homer is constantly doing stupid things and yet everyone loves him for it. I doubt there will be any repercussions... all he did was find a page from the textbook and tell them to memorize it. I suppose that as long as he goes really easy on them, they will be happy. Then again, I also go easy on my students because I know it doesn't really make a difference. As long as they do their books, do their exams, show up and

Last night I found out that the students actually have to PAY to take a makeup test if they fail a subject, but of course they will pass if they take it. Yep, they have turned poor academic performance into a money grab. I suppose they really like me because I failed 9 students last semester-- the most out of any other foreign teacher. I thought that at least it would be sort of like a swift kick in the *** for them, but apparently I was making money for the university.

It's kind of horrible knowing you're not much more than a token white face a fraud of a college that is only interested in bilking the students and teachers out of as much money as it can get.

AND THIS has really been pissing me off:

It wasn't alcoholic teacher who was refusing to help the students, it was the Chinese teachers. The university has staged a speech contest and they will win cash prizes if their student comes out on top, and they figured that we would be naive enough to do their work and help them win the contest. I've had 7 students so far approach me asking for help. Nobody else seems to understand why I would be getting upset about this.

I think the reason it bothers me so much is because it taps into the years of racism I've experienced in Asia. I always feel like the locals think white people are stupid and lazy, so even though they're passing their work off to us in this sneaky underhanded way, they think they're being clever. They also think that either we're stupid enough to do it for them or we are 'lower' than they are so should be doing it anyways. I keep picturing them sitting together, talking about this, laughing at us and making rude racist comments. And the fact that most of us feel morally obligated to help our students means we get to feel lousy if we reject them. I honestly don't even know if the Chinese teachers would understand this sort of thing.

I feel like announcing to every single class I teach that this is what is happening. Both so they'll stop coming to me with their speeches, and so they will know what kind of people the Chinese teachers are.

 

[Odo]

So I've met yet another girl.

Yeah, I know... it's not good to be meeting new people while still sort of in a relationship, but of course I can't really consider it that, and when someone is suddenly bombarding you with pleasant forms of attention after you've been desperately craving it from someone who SAYS they're your girlfriend, it hits pretty hard.

She's really mature for her age... and very patient, and calm and understanding and dedicated. She's interested in what I'm interested in, and actually wants to know more about my interests. And her English is at a level where I can actually talk to her.

Sometimes she's like a little puppy who is constantly asking me how I feel, what I'm doing, etc. BUT I LOVE THAT. I've always loved it when I can introduce new things to someone... new music, new movies, new perspectives and attitudes towards life, etc... and she seems to really want someone who can do that for her. She's curious about these things.

I guess the issue here is that age difference would mean that eventually she would want to experience things without someone who has already done it all sort of killing the thrill of discovery for her. Gaaah... does this sound creepy? Maybe it is.

I keep talking to this girl, expecting her to do or say something that will make me realize it's not a good idea, but instead she keeps saying things that make me feel attracted to her. I talked to her for five hours last night.

Meanwhile the other Chinese girl is constantly working, constantly ignoring me, constantly apologizing, constantly being jealous, insecure, etc... she apparently has a big plan to buy a house in her home city and it's going to cost SO much money. I have no idea if she's doing this because she thinks we're going to get married or what. If she is, it's going to be a crushing disappointment. It's also messed up because she is constantly rejecting me when I try to see her. About a month ago she said 'in 20 days I will be finished my training and will come to see you'. But of course, after 20 days she started ignoring me again and I knew she wasn't going to. This isn't the first time this has happened, either. I have no idea what it means, because she refuses to tell me that it's anything other than her being busy at work. If I ignore her, she gets upset, and if I talk to her, she barely says anything back. Most normal people would at this point have dropped it, and I really want to, but I'm attached... or maybe just afraid of being alone. It's like each time I try to tell her it's over this flood of memories comes rushing back and I end up pretending I didn't ever think that. It's really pathetic.

I think she sees me as this sort of child or something that needs to be told what to do and how to live... probably because I can't speak Chinese very well, and she can't speak English-- the difference being I know that this is why she appears the way she does to me, but I'm not sure if she understands this about me. She doesn't strike me as a deep thinker. She isn't stupid, just that she tends to be one of those action people who doesn't necessarily like to think things through.

But I keep being left with the impression that she has absolutely no interest in me as a person, and all of her decisions are being made because of her sense of how things need to be. She doesn't react to most of what I say, ignores a lot of it, and seems to mostly see me as a white person who can give her mixed babies... and who she mostly wants to marry simply because everyone else in her family is already married, I seem nice enough, and maybe there is some sort of status associated with marrying a white person.

With the new girl, there isn't some twist or dodgy motive... she wants to learn English, has an interest in other cultures and the world in general, and is just so goddam NICE.

 

[Louco]

And her English is at a level where I can actually talk to her.

Are you getting a russian bride or something?

Just kidding. You seem like a smart and perceptive person by the way, that raises your chances for happiness in this department considerably.

 

[Megaten]

Looks like it might be time to move on.

 

[Odo]

Are you getting a russian bride or something?

Just kidding. You seem like a smart and perceptive person by the way, that raises your chances for happiness in this department considerably.

I'm currently living in China.
:thumbup:

And thanks!

 

[Odo]

Looks like it might be time to move on.

Oh I know... but it's easier said than done when you're not so confident about your prospects.

 

[Megaten]

Oh I know... but it's easier said than done when you're not so confident about your prospects.

Yeah I think I know what you mean. If my current relationship was to end, Im not confident I'd have much luck getting back on the saddle. My social skills still suck and I dont get around much. Hmm i dunno, I would say talk about it but you said she's not willing to chat. That makes no sense to me.

 

[Odo]

Today I once again told her everything I feel, and again she became sad and desperate, which is ****ed because before today we were barely keeping touch.

I actually said I kind of hate her, and she came back with 'I don't want to lose you', which makes no sense! If she doesn't want to lose me, then WHY THE **** HAVE WE JUST GONE 3 MONTHS WITHOUT SEEING EACH OTHER? Why am I spending every single weekend alone? No-- worse than alone, because if I actually did meet someone I would have to tell them I'm in a relationship. A relationship that involves no physical interaction whatsoever for no valid reason at all, and that is unfulfilling in pretty much every other way as well.

I have volunteered countless times to visit her, but no... and I have tried and tried and tried to endure broken promise after broken promise she has given me about doing something together soon. I told her that if she lived in Beijing I would understand, but not when she's just over 1 hour away!!!

I explained to her that the only thing that will change after we break up is we won't send 12 short messages per week over wechat anymore... I have no idea why this is even a big deal. When I saw that she seemed really sad, I gave her an ultimatum (not even the first time) about meeting up soon and if she cancelled we would break up... but then I realized that it was just so ****ing ridiculous to have to emotionally blackmail someone into spending time with me that I told her to forget it. It's not like I'm pressuring her into some weird sex act, or extorting money or even asking her to do anything that shouold be unpleasant for her... she wants to be my girlfriend and she won't spend time with me. It's so ****ed up that this is even real, because I seriously feel like anyone who reads this is just going to think I'm stalking this girl, am unbalanced or something... but no, I swear that's not it. I actually told her that it was so embarrassing to have to tell people that I hadn't seen my 'girlfriend' since January. They must think I'm ****ing delusional. I actually feel like I might just be delusional sometimes.

I told her that I felt like our relationship had died of neglect. I don't want to force her to spend time with me and she doesn't want to do it voluntarily... it's insane... and you know, even if she had actively volunteered to come and see me (or even vice versa) at any point during the conversation I would have said okay, but she didn't even do that!!! Jesus ****ing christ take a hint! We seriously went through an entire conversation about her not seeing me being a massive problem in our relationship, and she didn't even think to volunteer to do so? All she did was beg me not to break up with her-- INSANE.

Even if she only has one day off per week, I'm not being super fussy about doing a lot of exciting things or going on some weeklong getaway here. I'm not demanding massive amounts of time or trying to get her to go to Europe with me or do anything life-altering. How could anyone who is serious about being with someone think that this is actually okay?

****ing hell, even an hour or two of cuddling in a hotel room would suffice... but NOPE, no time for me at all. Stay away, don't come... just keep messaging me like a ****ing idiot every single day and maybe I'll respond. Unless of course you try to break up with me, then I will beg you not to. And then I keep coming back to the absurdity of the idea of wanting to cuddle/do things with someone who is making me feel this way... it's kind of insane to think that I'm craving affection from someone who enrages me.

ALL DAY LONG I tried to drill it into her head that this was ****ing unacceptable... and then at one point she came out with a lot of weird shit about her physical appearance, how she didn't believe I would want to be with her because of how she looked, etc... I have told her over and over I don't care about these things, she looks fine, etc.... but this time I just said 'WHY ARE YOU SAYING THIS???'... and even asked her if she has some sort of psychological problem.

For ****'s sakes I told her exactly what the problem was and she starts complaining about the way she looks? Okay, maybe she is insecure about it and that's why she doesn't want to spend time together... but I can't imagine that 3 months apart (longer if you don't count the 2 very very brief times she visited me in January) can be excused because of that, especially when I constantly insisted that she looks fine, I don't care, it's more about how it all feels, etc. I have endlessly repeated that I am not going to reject her based on her looks, that I'm not cheating on her... in fact, it seems that almost every single conversation we have is about that. She says over and over again that she isn't tall, isn't this, isn't that... and finally I just said 'okay, now you've convinced me that I shouldn't be with you-- well done'.

I guess it makes sense that she's just massively insecure, because she was actually terrified by the prospect of meeting my friends last time... and wanted to leave before anyone saw her. It's probably connected to the fact that she has low self-esteem from when she was younger, as she used to be quite overweight when she was young. She at one point asked to meet my friends, but I didn't believe her because of how often she has promised to meet me and then backed out. She just says these things to placate me... they're meaningless. Plus, I don't even have so many friends to meet... and it's not like anyone is going to want to be corralled into some weird official 'meeting ceremony' just for her. Of course, there was no mention of a specific date so I'm just assuming it was a bullshit offer.

She even sent me a set of pictures of herself at different ages... WHY??? Does any of this do anything except try to change the subject? I get changing the subject if you're confused or not interested or otherwise put off because of some mundane or negative rant or something, but when I'm being completely upfront about a serious problem in our relationship and telling her what the solution is and she's just avoiding it like it doesn't exist, it's infuriating... like beyond infuriating, to the point where I feel hurt and ignored and insulted and enraged all at the same time. I get that this is China and confrontation isn't their thing, but holy ****ing shit does that ever make me angry. As you can probably tell, I'm still livid.

So this continued all day with zero progress. ****ing hell... if she had just said 'YES COME SEE ME THIS WEEKEND' just one week after she promised she was going to (I wouldn't even have cared if it was a week late), then not only would this not have happened, but we would have spent the day doing something infinitely better than exchanging bitter texts for hours before breaking up. That's what is making it so annoying-- the fact that the solution seems so ****ing simple, that there was truly no reason for any of this to happen, and yet nothing was done and now it's the end, and the end is incredibly bitter as well.

Finally, just now we went around and around about this shit AGAIN, until finally I got frustrated and told her again how unhappy I was. She then said 'goodnight', which usually means 'this conversation is over', and she expects me to just get over it. Usually, I will just stop fighting and realize it's pointless, then she will act as though nothing happened the next time we talk and expects the same from me. But this time I told her that I was going to delete her from my contacts and actually said 'goodbye'... then she starts begging me not to do it, and says over and over 'I don't want to lose you'. WHY does she not want to lose me? Because she'll miss ignoring me and not seeing each other? Because she'll miss making me insane with anger and frustration? She'll miss the stupid fights we have over all of my imaginary mistresses? As far as I can tell, the only thing that actually registered with her was that I was upset. She probably doesn't realize that shutting me down with yet another 'goodnight' was the straw that broke the camel's back either... I was prepared to at least entertain the notion of talking to her again, but yeah, that pushed me over the edge.

I've never had a breakup that was almost pure anger before. I haven't had so many relationships, but yeah... this one is really different. It's infuriating to date people who are insecure about these things, because they always make you feel like shit without meaning to, and then afterwards you end up feeling sorry for THEM.

I know I'm not perfect either, but at the very least I'm pretty sure that I know how to make someone feel cared about... and would happily make it a priority to see them.

 

[Odo]

Today I judged a speech contest, which turned out to be in front of a lot of people. I was honestly expecting a small room with just a few people, and the students walking in one by one and then leaving. But nope... it was in front of an auditorium full of students.

At least I thought I could sit down and relax, just judge the thing and not have to stand in front of everyone. They have this annoying habit of dropping you into these things without telling you what they involve... which drives me insane because I have a HUGE need to know exactly what's going to happen before I go into situations like this. I used to be able to hide my nervousness a lot better than I can now... I guess all of the strain of feeling like this all the time has taken a toll.

Anyways, for most of it I just sat at the judges table, and then sometimes spoke into a microphone without having to face everyone, which was fine... but then at the end I had to get up onstage and hand out awards. I was spasming with nerves the whole time... totally humiliating. I honestly don't know how noticeable it was... but it felt VERY noticeable and it was definitely awkward.

There's another contest coming up at the end of May, and in this case I will be expected to receive an award if my students win-- the prospect of which is horrifying to me, because I'm dreading having to go onstage. I could probably do the whole show a lot better than just accepting an award... I HATE having to accept compliments and accolades so much, but what's even worse is I just get so overwhelmed by it all... and I have to force myself to do it, which usually results in me being a nervous wreck who can't function properly.

This contest is an even bigger deal than the one today. I don't know what happened to me, I used to do okay with this stuff, but now I'm really horrified... god it was awful. Like, I seriously looked like I had issues in front of over 200 people. Luckily most of them were extremely bored and were looking at their phones... I THINK.

But seriously-- I'm supposed to be a teacher and 37 year old man... and this is what happens??? I should probably seek out medication... I think it probably puts a lot of people off.

I really didn't think I would be bad today because I did my 4k run last night... but it's not having the same effect that it used to. Neither are my B vitamins or other supplements.

All of these things seem to be short-term remedies at best... and then it just comes back stronger.

 

[nodejesque]

^it may be that you are just overwhelmed with EVERYTHING going on.

The stress from having to deal with your ex/girlfriend, and your teaching schedule, your alcoholic coworker, your new potential girlfriend, and above all that... Being placed in a situation without knowing what the frak is happening... Its completely understandable that you were nervous and full of anxiety.

Its just too much. At least, that's what it sounds like.

Your running and vitamins may not be enough, because of the amount of stress you're currently dealing with.

I think that once you're able to remove some of those stressors, then perhaps it will become more manageable.

I would wait before I began meds. Only because I think that running and vitamins may still suffice as treatment for anxiety... As long as you continue to distance yourself from those whom cause you so much grief.

Ultimately, yes.. Those are short term remedies, but so are prescriptions.

Something that has really helped me is Yoga. I practice as soon as I wake up and before bed. It makes a world of difference.

Anyway, hope that everything works out for you. And don't be so hard on yourself. I think that the fact that you were up there and completed your task without fainting or vomiting is a success. Not many can do that.

 

[Odo]

I am seriously endlessly frustrated by the people around me.

So I'm trying to get this stupid lesson done for tonight and finally said okay to watching a movie, provided we also ask questions about the movie so at least I can feel somewhat like a teacher.

So I spend an hour or so coming up with questions for Raiders of the Lost Ark, which we had both agreed on... and then the person who I was supposed to be working on it with informs me he has ASKED the students what movie they want to watch, and they want to watch a horror movie.

WHAT THE ACTUAL ****??? WHY would someone who is supposed to be a teacher do this? WHY would he do it without telling me???

I raged at him, telling him we're not supposed to be entertaining them, telling him we don't have time to come up with questions for another movie especially since he hasn't seen it and doesn't have it and can't do any work for it... and we won't be able to print out any questions either because the office closes in an hour. I finally asked him if he wants to just sit there and do no work and watch a movie-- no ****ing answer. Now that he's asked them, they're going to be disappointed and probably complain. ****ING HELL. I have no idea what we're even doing now. Usually we just do our own hour... and this is exactly why. Working together means STICKING TO THE ****ING PLAN... but apparently we are incapable of doing that. And every second that goes by without him answering me adds to my frustration... but he's probably not answering because I blew up at him. And the mold in my apartment due to the heat, and this looming contest, and then the fact that someone told me to stop making suggestions about the contest because 'things only get worse' when we complain, so yes, now the foreigners are policing each other... wow, not a good day.

Also my partner is the guy who actually got an interview at the place where I want to work... unlike me. He's also about 15 years older than me... and I have to tell him these things???

I am very very pissed.