tough love or coddled ?

[nafadda]

would you rather tough love like hearing things you may not want to hear but need to hear..or be coddled like a child long after you are not one??

just curious.

i have know so many grown people lately that want to be coddled and find it odd that many people are willing to do just that for them thinking it helps them..?? i just don't get it because in almost all those cases i have seen the people just get worse and continue to self destruct because people stood by and enabled them to do just that.

in quite a few of those people they only self destructed in the long run because it was as if NO one would make them actually look at things.

I think part of this is due to because of what we became as a society now we are so afraid to speak up because it is not politically correct and may ruffle someones feathers...well it will also make for a VERY weak society in the long run,because after all if people can only be able to hear what they want to hear and see what they want to see and people afraid to speak up and give some good ol' tough love advice..well good luck,it won't work IMO/..i mean anyone can sit and hear what they want to if thats all people will tell them.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

Well, there's a way to be honest and sincere without being rude.
There is a thin line sometimes, but I'd rather someone put in the effort to come up with something logical and well thought out rather than speaking without thinking and coming off as insensitive.

Tough love is needed sometimes; other times, being coddled is probably the better option.
There are people who prefer one over the other at all times and some who prefer to just be logical and try not to hurt people's feelings- but do it from time to time when it cannot be helped.

 

[Section_31]

I would prefer tough love. Ive always been direct of the truth, good, bad, or ugly.

I think Weirdy said it best.

 

[sullyS25]

I don't like it when people sugar coat things at all. I get mad sometimes when people are very direct but it is usually because it is true and I really do need to hear it.

 

[MrJones]

I dont want to tell always the truth and I want others to do the same for me. Of course that doesn't mean being rude. Sometimes you have to be careful on the words you choose, the way you say it, etc. and I suck at it, but being communicative is what matters, and always the truth.

 

[Flowers-Of-Bloom]

As a child I was coddled by my parents, and now I really wish they hadn't been so easy on me. If they were harder on me and let me be more independent then I think I could've been a stronger person.

 

[hidwell]

Either way I don't it think it changes who you are, some of us are more fragile than others ::

 

[MikeyC]

Weirdy's post has summed it up, and there's no right or wrong answer.

I was coddled growing up, and at the age of 25 I think I'm still coddled. While I think it has made me weak, at the end of the day it's not just your parents that influence how you grow up. Your friends and environment outside the home are just as big, if not bigger.

 

[Azael]

Weirdy's post has summed it up, and there's no right or wrong answer.

I was coddled growing up, and at the age of 25 I think I'm still coddled. While I think it has made me weak, at the end of the day it's not just your parents that influence how you grow up. Your friends and environment outside the home are just as big, if not bigger.

Very true. Enabling a problem is not an option, but neither is destroying person. The middle-ground will suffice. You need a healthy dose of reality, but you also need to be encouraged and built-up.

 

[nafadda]

IMO tough love is not about being rude..it's about being painfully honest when it is needed.

one can go anywhere and find rude people speaking without thinking just look at YOUTUBE .or go out in public and see how rude people are for NO reason.

what I mean by tough love is taking your time to actually call out the person for their repeated bad behaviors that are self destructive.AS In making them see something they do not want to.

I have lots of examples I can give that I have watched in real life,but will pick this one for now.

i knew a woman I befriended for 10 years.Nice woman BUt severe drug and alcohol abuse her entire life.An only child ,2 degrees and 7 DUI's..yep I said 7..of course she could no longer legally drive,but she would(her mom always lent her her car).Her degrees were useless because of the convictions.she couldn't even hold down a simple waitress job because she would show up reaking of alcohol and make excuses saying it was cough syrup,,it wasn't.

well I watched her own mother coddle her and pay her bills and even have a drink waiting for her whenever she showed up just so the woman wouldn't get all mad.this woman was in her 40s and was being coddled and had been her entire life as if she was a 5 year old child.after 10 yrs i had enough of trying to help her.she only called when she was drunk.the times i did attend a play or concert with her she would be so wasted when i picked her up that she was staggering and I finally had had enough of her self destructive ways.well her mom passed away ,left everything to her and within 1 1/2 years the woman was dead..go figure.she was not taught to or made to be responsible for ANY of her own actins her entire life and one her mom was gone she just self destructed..

i think had she been taught some tough love and held responsible for her actions at some point,she would still be alive...but instead she was enabled to continue just the way she wanted just so she didn't get upset.

i don't get it,but if you do ok

 

[Kinetik]

I think we have to be careful when choosing our words with people who need a wake up call because it's not as simple as tough love vs. coddled. We have to bear in mind that certain thought patterns are addictive to the afflicted person. No doubt they have been comforting themselves with thoughts of what they believe to be true and real for a long time, and a rude awakening could have disastrous effects on their psyche.

We can all stand around and cheer as soon as someone lays down the law, but real life is not the Dr. Phil show. There are many factors to bear in mind when it comes to giving tough love and not being a professional, I wouldn't like to be the one to have to do it. Granted, I offer my free-for-all, half-assed advice on this website, but the recipient is more than welcome to throw it in the trash if they so wish.

 

[Azael]

I think we have to be careful when choosing our words with people who need a wake up call because it's not as simple as tough love vs. coddled. We have to bear in mind that certain thought patterns are addictive to the afflicted person. No doubt they have been comforting themselves with thoughts of what they believe to be true and real for a long time, and a rude awakening could have disastrous effects on their psyche.

We can all stand around and cheer as soon as someone lays down the law, but real life is not the Dr. Phil show. There are many factors to bear in mind when it comes to giving tough love and not being a professional, I wouldn't like to be the one to have to do it. Granted, I offer my free-for-all, half-assed advice on this website, but the recipient is more than welcome to throw it in the trash if they so wish.

Best post here. Absolutely one hundred percent bang on the money.

 

[OceanMist]

good, bad, or ugly.

I love that post and the movie. That is so your avatar.

As for me, I'd prefer someone to tell me what to do in a kind way. Just as long as I don't feel like I'm being talked down to or yelled at, I'm okay with it. Unfortunately, my bosses at my job like the hardcore, tough love, dick yelling at me. Not like loud yelling, but kind of an angry "I'm such an idiot" kind of tone.

 

[nafadda]

well there prob isn't a right or wrong answer to the original question.it's all in what someone is expecting or how much some people can deal with when they see coddling just isn't working at all.

as far as bosses go,they don't ususally even count unless they are also your friends..because sometimes bosses can just act like jerks..i guess they feel the need to do that because someone made them a boss,,not sure.

i would and have rather end a friendship then have to walk on egg shells with my every word just because someone can only deal with what they want to be told,because if i have to do that i already know i'd never be of any help to them and would feel it's a big part of the persons problem they already have.in other words,NOT my style.I have actually had people thank me for being the only person who made them look at things they didn't want to see but had to eventualy face if they wanted to move on ,they told me i was the only one that ever cared enough to do just that.I found that quite odd and wondered why no one in their family or any of the friends they had didn't do it.it wasn't as if they were unaware the person was doing something that was not helping them because they sure would talk about it when the person wasn't around.if i brought that point up they would ususally say they just didn't like confrontation ..well who does,BUT doesn't there come a point when someone has to do it or hear it???


well like i said,no right or wrong answer i guess.i just don't confuse tough love with being mean..mean is telling someone the clothes they are wearing when thats all they can afford are ugly or not in style,mean is bullying,mean is NOT telling a 400 pound fat guy to stop eating so much or he will get lots of illness and prob die quicker from them or telling him he is a bit overweight..i no sooner would do that then i would bring over 2 extra large meat lovers pizza's to him and say " enjoy these and don't forget the box of donuts i brought you for dessert'

 

[KiaKaha]

I can understand the sentiment and the point behind the OP's question. I have seen people go down a self destructive path because people are too afraid to speak up and tell them what they needed to hear. Even Michael Jacksons death could have been avoided if he was not surrounded by yes men.

In saying that though I do feel that I am a very different kind of person...probably a bit softer and gentler when dealing with people and their problems. I do have to learn to be a bit more firm, but sensitivity and tact combined with understanding why and how people got into the position that they are in as well as telling them what they need to hear I feel gets more of a positive response than 'tough love'

My opinion.

I think Kinetik is spot on. I also agree with Weirdy.

 

[Aletheia]

sensitivity and tact combined with understanding why and how people got into the position that they are in as well as telling them what they need to hear I feel gets more of a positive response than 'tough love'

This.

I've heard than in AA it's well known that there's no point in people being there if they don't want to be, if they aren't ready for it, even thought their lives might have to completely fall apart before they get to that point.

I think the two best things you can do for a person are to help support them in taking the steps they're ready to take, and to help them to figure out what those are.

 

[9407]

I'm not good at taking criticism, but I would prefer for people to tell the truth instead of sugar coating it.

 

[Remus]

A balance please

 

[nafadda]

is this balanced enough?

Get Over It - Eagles - YouTube

 

[spring]

coddled,definitely.