this_portrait's Random Thoughts

[this_portrait]

Thanks for the responses, everyone. When the opportunity arises, I'll bring it up to one of the guys and see what happens. Maybe I'll be in for a surprise, who knows?

I have therapy tomorrow morning. My "assignment," so to speak, was to try talking to at least one person in 3 out of my 4 classes (I've gained a buddy in one class, but not so much in the others). I succeeded in talking to someone in one of the other classes, but not in the remaining two. However, my the success of my presentation this past Wednesday is enough that I don't care so much about not talking to someone. I still can't help but feel a little guilty that I didn't talk to people much, though.

Really, I just want tomorrow evening to come. I'm planning on taking a train out to near my hometown, where my mother is going to pick me up. We're going to go grocery shopping and then she'll drive me back to my place. I'm in dire need of food, and I can only eat out so much before it depletes all my funds. Eating out here is so damn expensive. Hell, eating out anywhere is expensive, really. I used to eat out all the time when I was in high school, but since I never paid for it, I never realized just how much it cost. Only until I went off to college did I realize just how much eating out costs. It's sooo much cheaper to just buy groceries every 1-2 weeks and only eat out a couple times a week at most.

Anyway, I think I'm done rambling. I'm going to curl up in my bed, read Elle, and then drift off to sleep.

 

[this_portrait]

Went on a date tonight. It's been a while since I've gone on one, and even longer since I've been on one with a guy from a dating site. I was pretty nervous about it, but once I finally met up with the guy, the nervousness seemed to go away bit by bit.

We went to this restaurant/bar type of place (though neither of us drink, so we just each ordered something small to eat and a soda). I actually think he looks better in person than he does in his pictures (which I guess is a good thing). He's pretty friendly and nice and has a decent sense of humor. I tried to be talkative and make a moderate amount of eye contact, though there were a few times when I didn't quite know what to say. He could definitely tell that I'm shy, but he didn't seem at all bothered by it. I didn't bring up my social anxiety.

We talked about work, school, hobbies, and we did touch on our past experiences with dating sites and dating/relationships in general. I mentioned that I'm kind of a "late bloomer" when it comes to dating, that I didn't even really have my first brush with it until I was 19 when a friend tried to set me up, and that I've only ever had one serious, long-term boyfriend.

He wasn't physical at all, which I was fine with. I kind of actually prefer to not be physical on a first date. Before we parted ways, he asked if I would be interested in hanging out again. I said yes, and I also said that I had a good time and thanked him for the meal. He then asked if I would text him when I got home so he would know that I got back all right, which I thought was rather sweet.

Overall, the night was a success.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

I'm glad that the date went well for you, this_portrait! Congratulations!

 

[Shyangel]

That's great news, Portrait!! It sounds like you had a great time and the guy seems sweet. See it wasn't so bad? You should trust yourself more. I hope you'll go out with this guy again and have another great date.

I'm happy for you.
Best wishes.

 

[MsBuzzkillington]

Sounds like it was pretty successful. You will have to keep us updated on things if they continue and you get a second date!

 

[this_portrait]

Thanks, all. If a second date happens (which I hope it does and am pretty sure it will), I will notify ya'll of it!

 

[MikeyC]

Nicely done, portrait! I had a good feeling about the date initially and it looks like my feelings have been correct this time round. He sounds like a lovely guy and hopefully something mad can happen.

 

[Phoenixx]

That's great, portrait! I'm glad everything went well for both of you!

 

[this_portrait]

Thanks, Mikey and Phoenixx!

 

[this_portrait]

I really hate when I overreact.

A few days ago I was all down in the dumps because I thought the guy I went out with didn't want to talk to me or hang out again even though he said he'd call on the first date and seemed interested. Just the other night, he messaged me online apologizing for not getting back to me, saying that he's been really busy and has been having some family problems going on. I felt kinda like an idiot for overreacting.

And now apparently we have a second date planned.

It's certainly not the first time I've overreacted. There have been past instances where I've overreacted to things completely out of my control and then snapped on people in anger. I can't even picture myself doing that anymore, because I look at the times I did and remember how ridiculous I looked and sounded. Nowadays I'm finding it much easier to just let things go instead of harp on them and freak out. It's much less stressful.

Seems like my past freak outs were evidence of my codependency. It's like I wanted to be a control freak over everything around me, but couldn't (as that's impossible). I guess I'm becoming less codependent in that sense, because I don't freak out anywhere near as much now.

I couldn't feel any calmer, though. <3

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Hindsight is 20/20, this_portrait. What seems like such a foolish decision after the fact didn't look like such a thing the time it was happening. Don't beat yourself up too much. I can tell you, I just went through the same thing as you. A girl I had met said she would call me and she never did; it turns out she was busy. I'm supposed to talk to her this weekend if she has time, but I still feel skeptical about it because this wouldn't be the first time she's done this. The only thing we can do in situations like that is to either wait for them or contact them first. It was a misunderstanding, so be happy that he wasn't leading you on! I hope that things work out between you two and sorry for talking about myself on here::!

 

[this_portrait]

I'm not really beating myself up over it -- I just feel a little embarrassed, is all. >>

Oh, don't worry about talking about yourself on here. Sharing experiences helps us all relate to each other.

 

[this_portrait]

Went out on date #2 tonight. We first went and got frozen yogurt, then walked around for a bit, and finally sat down at a small restaurant for a drink. He walked me back to the train station, and I almost thought he was going to either hug or kiss me, but instead he shook my hand.

I'm actually a little surprised that he didn't try to be more physical. Well, shaking my hand was more physical than last time, but compared to other guys I've dated, it's not as physical. Even the guy I dated before who was least physical hugged me on the second date.

Part of me kinda wanted him to at least hug me, but at the same time I'm flattered that he didn't. I can't tell if he didn't because he wants to be a gentleman, he's too shy (which I think is unlikely, because he doesn't strike me as being shy at all), or because he thinks it would make me feel uncomfortable. I think it's either the first or the last one.

Overall, though, I had a great night, and hopefully we'll get to hang out again.

 

[MikeyC]

Sounds like a really nice guy, portrait. I'm glad it's all going well.

 

[this_portrait]

Copied from my private blog:

I didn’t smile much between the (estimated) ages of 9 to 18, especially during my adolescent years. I had plenty of excuses for not smiling at the time: I didn’t want people f**king with me, and I felt that being all smiles and friendly would make me vulnerable. In all my yearbook pictures, my smile was quick and forced, so naturally there would be some kind of physical flaw in them (sunken-in cheeks in one, double-chin from my head being too far back in another). Smiling with my teeth showing particularly annoyed me because I felt that it looked “cheesy.” Finally, smiling for group photos was the worst, because I hated having my picture taken in general, and I wanted everyone to know that pictures aren’t my thing (probably in hopes of friends and their parents not snapping photos of me ever again; my wish was never granted).

After spending years making all those excuses, I eventually came to realize the actual reason why I hated smiling, why I hated people taking pictures of me, why I despised dressing up… I was secretly insecure about how I looked. Very very insecure. Of course, others didn’t seem to think so. I received many compliments on how “pretty” I looked in those days, despite being dressed in baggy t-shirts and cargo pants. Even to this day, I find it hard to believe that people thought I was attractive during that long time period. Not only was I kinda chubby for a while, but I dressed like a boy (and later on I was a mall rat goth kid); my face would always be riddled with acne; and my hair was flat and pin-straight, making my face look longer than it is. It’s amazing what growing up, a makeover, and products can do to your appearance. All those people who would compliment me (who were mostly all adults) must have been looking real hard at my face, because even I fail to see what made me so attractive back then.

One particular instance that sticks out from this time period is when I was around 16 (and maybe it carried over into 17). This was the worst time for my acne, and I wasn’t exactly confident in other parts of my appearance, either. I was walking in the hallway of my high school, and I passed by a teacher (who I never had before). He started nicknaming me “Smiley,” probably because I didn’t smile much. I initially took it as a kind of joke and just sorta played along with it, a smirk playing across my face.

There would be a few more occasions when this teacher would call me “Smiley” upon seeing me around the school. One time he even told me that I should smile more often because I have a nice smile. I look back on that, and now I wonder if the nickname was because I didn’t smile much, or if it was really because my smile was nice on the rare occasion when I did. Certainly this isn’t the first time someone has tried to get me to smile before; there was a time in my 7th grade science class when a boy would sit next to me and constantly say, “Smile! Smile, smile, smile!” and I would try to refrain from doing so. Other teachers have also given me compliments regarding my smile.

Apparently that teacher still remembers me, six years after the fact. He sometimes frequents the place where my mother works, and recently he stopped by while she was working. She mentioned the whole “Smiley” thing to him, referring to me by my full name, and asked if he remembered me. Surprisingly, he said he did. I’m amazed he even knew my name, considering he never taught any of my classes before (though he most likely found it out from other teachers).

But y’know? He and all those other people were kinda right. I do look better when I smile. Sure, I had nasty acne, ratty hair, and a somewhat pudgy chin distracting my peers from seeing that beauty, but some people managed to look past those things and really pay attention to my real facial features that would become an advantage to me later on. Now that I’m a bit older, I can see what I couldn’t when I was growing up. Perhaps if I would’ve smiled more when I was younger, maybe I would have discovered this sooner.

So smile, people, even if you have internal issues like me. It might open a door. <3

 

[MikeyC]

All people look better when they smile. There are times when it's just hard to do.

 

[this_portrait]

Oh my God, I feel so stressed and overwhelmed! At least internally I do. Luckily I'm somehow managing to not really freak out, even though there was a time when I would become hysterical. Nowadays any hysteria I feel is, for the most part, completely internal.

For the past 1.5-2 weeks, I've been applying to jobs left and right, full-time and part-time. Basically if it's in the city and I'm qualified for it, and it doesn't require me to have a car, I'm sending my resume. I know it's probably a bit too soon to expect a response back from any of them, but I can't help but feel impatient. So impatient, that I'm tempted to get the numbers of some of them and make a call asking if they got my application/resume.

Also, I've made the decision that I would rather stay in the apartment I'm in, because it's just too much pressure to apply for jobs and look for a new apartment as well. However, they've recently begun showing apartments to prospective tenants. They asked me if I wanted to renew my lease back in February; at the time I didn't, and quite frankly, I think that's pretty early to ask. I now need to confront my landlord and ask if anyone has decided to apply for my apartment yet. If no one has, I'm going to ask if it's possible to renew my lease.

I'm paranoid that someone has already decided that they want to move into my apartment, though, and that I'll be screwed. Logically, it's probably doubtful, because for one, they just now started showing it, and two, it's on the top floor (no elevator, mind you), and I doubt the top floor apartments will be the first to go. Still, there's a chance that maybe someone decided they wanted it. I'm scared that I'm going to end up with no place to live and that no one will hire me.

 

[MikeyC]

I'm scared that I'm going to end up with no place to live and that no one will hire me.

These are the ultimate worst-case scenarios. I don't know you but I do know what you seem to be like and you're not one to let this happen. I hope you get to renew your lease before anyone else decide to encroach on your apartment.

A top-floor apartment with no elevator probably would turn a lot of people off, I would imagine. For your sake I hope that's the case.

If you're applying for every job you can find, there's a good chance 1 will call you back and hire you.

 

[this_portrait]

It is possible that I'm just overreacting, but I really do hope that everything will turn out for the best. I'm going to call my landlord tomorrow morning and ask if anyone has applied for my apartment yet. If he says no, then I will ask about renewing my lease. It will be one less pressure off of me if I know I'll still have a place to live after I graduate. Originally, I was planning on getting a new camera body, but in case I don't find a job right away, I plan on using the money for the camera towards two months' rent.

 

[MikeyC]

^ Sorry I missed that earlier. I hope it all works out, no matter what you decide to do.