this_portrait's Random Thoughts

[this_portrait]

Portrait of a _portrait

I figured I'd start one of these, just for the hell of it, and to see what others think of the things that come to my mind as well.

I'll start by posting a journal entry I wrote earlier.



Lately I’ve been asking myself the question, “What is a real friend?”

I’ve been pondering it quite a bit, and I find that the definition might be a bit subjective. It varies from person to person. What a good friend is to one may be a bad friend to another. My own answer to this question may even be rather subjective, since I’m going by how I would want a friend to treat me.

To me, a real friend is a few things. For one, they are very direct with you; they’re completely honest with you and are constructive in their criticism of you. They don’t hint at anything, expecting you to read their mind, because they know you can’t. NO ONE can read minds.

Second, they are supportive of you. They will not tear you down by making you feel like scum of the earth. They won’t be condescending and make you feel like you’re not good enough to be around them. They won’t impose high standards that you can’t in any way live up to.

Third, they will try to understand you. Even if they CAN’T understand you, no matter how many times they try, they will still stick around. If they don’t, then they evidently don’t care enough about you.

Finally, and this ties in with the third point, a real friend can handle you at your worst. A real friend will not abandon you during hard times. They won’t wait until you’re finally feeling well to start giving a **** about you. They’ll stick it all out with you, and when you’re finally out of your own personal hell, that friend will definitely deserve to experience you when you’re at your best. In a way, they love you unconditionally.

These are the qualities I would want in a friend, and especially a boyfriend. Obviously I would have to be the same way if I was to consider myself someone’s friend or girlfriend, and I know I need to work on some of these things (especially being direct). I’ve just come to realize that this is what I want from people I choose to include in my life. Unfortunately, it took going through quite a few people who were NOT willing to be this way towards me in order to realize this.

Just my thoughts for the day.

 

[Anomaly]

To me, a real friend is a few things. For one, they are very direct with you; they’re completely honest with you and are constructive in their criticism of you.

Second, they are supportive of you. They will not tear you down by making you feel like scum of the earth. They won’t be condescending and make you feel like you’re not good enough to be around them.

I think this combination isn't the easiest line to walk for many people. It takes a bit of courage to tell a friend that something is wrong with them or they're doing something wrong without, and it takes a bit of skill to communicate that without making them defensive. Being able to intuitively predict how one might react to certain words or gestures probably isn't well developed in people who are on this website, especially since there is a great variety of temperaments.

I think taking that courageous step is worth it, even if it might be taken badly.

 

[MikeyC]

Finally, and this ties in with the third point, a real friend can handle you at your worst. A real friend will not abandon you during hard times. They won’t wait until you’re finally feeling well to start giving a **** about you. They’ll stick it all out with you, and when you’re finally out of your own personal hell, that friend will definitely deserve to experience you when you’re at your best. In a way, they love you unconditionally.

This is where I think that my best friend may not actually be around if things start falling to pieces for me. He's a good guy but I can't imagine he'll take the time to help me get on my feet if I'm falling. Once he told me to "stop being depressed", almost like it's activated by the flick of a switch. His life is going great (no, really: apartment, nice car, girls everywhere, money, good friends and family), so I think he expects mine to be the same, despite me telling me of some of the difficulties I've had.

But anyway, enough about me. I reckon you will find people with some of those qualities, but it'll certainly be hard to find people that possess everything you want in them. Some of my friends are good people, but are not everything I'd want in them. It's about give and take.

Good to see you've started a journal thread, portrait. I'll be reading this.

 

[this_portrait]

And another one, this time about today's date.


Some people on my Facebook friends list have been posting about this day, November 11, 2011, and how they’ve been waiting for it to come for years. Usually you can make a wish at 11:11 PM on any night, but since the date aligns with the time, it’s supposed to be the ultimate wish night.

I’ve wished on 11:11 multiple times. A lot of times I’ll plan on wishing on it, but then I forget, and by the time I remember, it’s already 11:12. I can’t recall if any of my wishes have come true; some might have. I think most of the time, though, they don’t. I’ve wished for a plethora of things, from doing well on an exam to overcoming social phobia to my ex wanting to get back together with me or just to have a boyfriend in general… I’ve wished for a lot of things on that time, though lately it doesn’t seem to mean a whole lot for me.

Tonight, though, I want to actually try wishing for something, just for the hell of it. I don’t know if it will come true or not, but it doesn’t hurt to try. I guess the reason I want to wish for something is because I’ve been in a very dark place for months now, and heaven knows I need what I plan on wishing for at this point. Well, I’ve needed it for a while now. I needed it about 4 months ago when I was first abandoned. I needed it when I began college, which was when my social phobia really peaked. I needed it when I felt out of place all those times as an adolescent. I needed it when I was secretly miserable as a child and my peers would seek out anything about me that they could pick on. I definitely need it now.

I just hope it actually comes true and that my prayers are answered, for once.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

I'm sorry about those experiences; I wish there was something that could do or tell you to make you feel better. So, what I'll do is wish that your wish comes true. It's not much I know, but it's all I can think of at the moment, so I hope that you can forgive me. I'm sure that you'll get it, of that I'm positive. Just promise me that you'll be willing to fight tooth and nail for it should it appear before you, okay?

 

[Mickery]

Everybody has their limits, including real friends. Sometimes people will even walk away because it's too painful to see what you're doing to yourself, or because they feel they're being somewhat of an enabler. Or maybe your mood swings are just too hard to deal with. Could be a million things. I wouldn't blame anyone for that and I think it's kinda tough to judge someone on that basis.

 

[this_portrait]

Hmmm...

...

Yeah, I still f*cking hate you.

(not directed to anyone here, btw)

 

[this_portrait]

Sometimes I feel like I've already established myself as a weird, crazy person in my classes and around campus. Because of this, I feel like it's close to impossible to turn things around for any of these people, because I feel like any intelligent thing I try to say around anyone here will be overlooked because people will only be thinking about how weird I am.

I feel like I was more accepted when I was younger. Yes, I was a strange kid who dressed like a freak and had rude comments thrown at me by my peers. However, there were people who saw past my exterior and my behavior. Most of my teachers liked me; they thought I was a decent, unique kid with a lot of intelligent things to say, and they didn't judge me based on my appearance or how I came off. I had a niche of friends who saw past what was on the outside as well because I had grown up with most of them, so they kinda knew me better.

Then everything went to sh*t once I got to this social black hole known as "college." For being so-called "adults," people are awfully judgmental. It's sickening. I just want to strangle them all sometimes and say, "I'M NOT A F*CKING WEIRDO! I'M NOT CRAZY! WHY DON'T YOU BE MATURE AND STOP BEING SO CRITICAL OF SOMEONE OVER LITTLE SH*T?!" It's funny how you can go from being considered a "freak" because of how you dressed, but then you're considered a "freak" because you don't smile and act like you give a sh*t about how other people are doing. Funny how that all works.

It's been so hard to try and change how I interact around. I got criticized for not saying "thank you," and now I say "thank you" when I don't even need to say it! It's not real hard to reciprocate conversations, but initiating can be painful, especially if it's someone I really want to talk to, but I'm afraid they will shun me for whatever reason. Nowadays, I feel like a little kid sometimes, getting all happy and excited when someone makes the conscious effort to talk to me. Eye contact is the worst, though. I've ALWAYS struggled with eye contact. I don't know why I find looking into people's eyes so intimidating. I just do.

But even still, like I already mentioned, because I feel like I've already established myself as a weirdo, I don't know if any changes I make will be good enough for any of these people. I always feel like nothing I say or do is ever good enough for anyone. It's like they expect perfection out of me, and once they see I'm far from perfect, it upsets them to great degrees. Why are the standards set high for me?

EDIT: Sometimes I wish my parents would have taught me how to interact. No, one was not actively involved and the other figured I would learn how to socialize ON MY OWN. That's exactly what I'm stuck doing, too, because they never taught me. Bless their hearts, but that is ignorant to think that I would be able to learn how to socialize on my own. That's bullish*t. ALL parents should teach their kids social skills. Mine don't even really have that great of social skills, though; one couldn't even socialize without being drunk. You can't really learn social skills on your own as a kid, but then you can't learn them from your parents if they have a hard time socializing as it is.

Just my thoughts for the day.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Well, for starters, don't live up to the standards set by everyone else; you'll run yourself into the ground. Live life the way you choose to; don't feel that you have to act a certain way for people to like you, because you don't. Anyone worth your time will see past the "outside you" to the "true you". You don't owe anyone anything and you can't maintain that facade forever; eventually, you're going to break. Remember what Dr. Seuss said, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." I can't say that being alone is my cup of tea because there have been multiple times where I have broken down. For example, I just broke down recently, but I'm back up and ready to try again. As far as social situations, that's all you really can do: try to talk to someone and, if it doesn't lead anywhere, then try again and keep on trying until you get success. Contemplating matters won't change them; it's time for action. And if people think that you're a weirdo on campus, then prove them wrong. It's not that hard to change your reputation on campus, for better or for worse. Just try smiling at people and saying "Hi". That should get you warmed up for the harder part of actually holding a conversation.

P.S. I know how hard it is to look people in the eye; I still can't do it for an extended period. I learned how (somewhat) by just forcing myseld to. I did it once and counted how long I lasted and then, next time, I tried to beat my personal record. Also, I wasn't taught a lot either. Most of the things I learned were learned through experience. Now's not the time to hold your parents accountable for what they did or didn't do; instead, try learning what you need to by trying things out or by asking others how they do it.

 

[this_portrait]

As far as social situations, that's all you really can do: try to talk to someone and, if it doesn't lead anywhere, then try again and keep on trying until you get success.

Everybody tells me this. I get discouraged a lot of the time, though. I hate the thought of having to go through different people, just like I hate the thought of having to date a bunch of guys before I find "the one." I guess I just kinda get attached in a way, and when the other person doesn't want to be any more than acquaintances, I become upset and I feel discouraged.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Everybody tells me this. I get discouraged a lot of the time, though. I hate the thought of having to go through different people, just like I hate the thought of having to date a bunch of guys before I find "the one." I guess I just kinda get attached in a way, and when the other person doesn't want to be any more than acquaintances, I become upset and I feel discouraged.

Hm? Who's talking about dating? For right now, you're just trying to get to know a person; you can work on deciding if they're dating material later. This may sound more than a little obvious, but you can have males that are just friends. They may even become fountains of knowledge should you ever meet a guy that you feel attracted to.
That's the way the dating world works (or at least I think so. Never been on a date or had a girlfriend:. You shouldn't invest everything into one guy. Think of it like stocks: you invest different amounts of money into different companies and when one is doing better than the other, then you begin to invest more in that company. It may sound like a cruel example, but, then again, you're conversing with a cruel individual.

 

[this_portrait]

Hm? Who's talking about dating?

I was really just comparing the two, because they are both kinda similar for me.

 

[coyote]

...You shouldn't invest everything into one guy. Think of it like stocks: you invest different amounts of money into different companies and when one is doing better than the other, then you begin to invest more in that company...

this is actually a very good anology

the key to long-term success in the social marketplace is diversification

 

[this_portrait]

I don't want to be emotionally attached to a bunch of different people, though. That's only setting myself up for hurt and disappointment...

 

[DeadmanWalking]

I was really just comparing the two, because they are both kinda similar for me.

Maybe, but the two have two very distinct endings to them. Well, anyway, just try talking to a guy/girl in your class. Ask him/her to help you with something or you can just walk up to a guy/girl and ask him/her about him/her. You could say that he/she seemed like a guy/girl that you wanted to get to know or you wanted to be friends with him/her. Just anything that will start a conversation with him/her. And make sure you keep in contact with them by continually talking to them and/or by asking them for their contact info.

How are you setting yourself up for disappointment?

 

[this_portrait]

How are you setting yourself up for disappointment?

I kinda get attached to people a little too easily, friend or someone I wouldn't mind dating. I feel like I'm setting myself up for disappointment because I'll get attached to people, but they won't want to give me the time of day.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

I kinda get attached to people a little too easily, friend or someone I wouldn't mind dating. I feel like I'm setting myself up for disappointment because I'll get attached to people, but they won't want to give me the time of day.

Who says they won't? You've got to put some trust in them that they won't reject you. You're worth getting to know; that's why I'm talking to you right now. I want to learn about you and help you however I can.
But, anyway, you can't invest so much into one person; if they do reject you, then you're left with nothing except a broken heart. Don't feel bad about talking to multiple people at once. It's alright to have more than one friend.

 

[this_portrait]

I guess I've been let down so many times by people that I figure everyone is just going to go away in the end.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

I guess I've been let down so many times by people that I figure everyone is just going to go away in the end.

It's hard to, but you've got to believe that they won't leave you, once they get to know you. You are worth getting to know; trust that fact and keep moving forward.

 

[this_portrait]

Gotta let down my wall of anxiety first, and it's made of stone. I guess it needs to be broken.