this_portrait's Random Thoughts

[1BlackSheep]

^My parents are same as well, sometimes it really makes me wonder if that somewhat contributed to my lack of social skills. Good to know that therapy helped you portrait, I'm sure it'll get much better over time. And happy new year to you and 1BlackSheep

I missed this post, Srijita52! A belated thanks for the New Year's wishes!

 

[1BlackSheep]

Bellydancing + modelling is excellent! You will feel so good about yourself and I hope it all works out for the best. I'll look for you on billboards.

Yea, that sounds really fun! Bollywood, here you come! ::

 

[this_portrait]

Thanks for the comments, all.

I went to the class tonight (despite the freezing 6-degree weather). It was fun, but certainly not easy! The teacher gave me this card with all the moves we went over in the class, so I'm going to try practicing them before I go again next week.

We're supposed to get a bunch of snow tomorrow, but I highly doubt class will be canceled. In high school, I had a ton of snow days, but in college, I've only had one. They're so stubborn, I swear. -___- I just hope that I don't get up and get ready and go to my class downtown tomorrow morning only to find out it's canceled. I hate when that happens. Maybe I'll get lucky and the entire school will shut down for a day like it did almost a year ago when we had a "snowpocalypse," though I doubt that will happen.

 

[MikeyC]

I couldn't imagine bellydancing would be easy, and it's a new challenge for you. You'll thrive, though.

Snow days are an alien concept here, but I do remember one day not going to school due to heavy rain. Once.

 

[this_portrait]

Ugh...

I know I mentioned before that I was planning on doing a series of photos that depict mental disorders using handmade dolls, but now that I've done my presentation and gotten some feedback, I'm having second thoughts. Well, I've had second thoughts for about a week now (ex. I thought about using myself as a subject instead of the dolls), but now I'm wondering if I should just turn my project around a bit.

See, after I did my presentation tonight, one of my classmates did hers. She's doing her project in a different medium (painting), but what she said kind of shocked me. She gave this summary about how she hasn't been in much contact with her family since she went off to college because her father is an alcoholic (and went to prison) and her mother has some sort of panic disorder. She mentioned that she herself suffers from depression and PTSD, and she wants to depict her experiences of that through paintings, as well as create images of her family throughout her life, before and after things went bad.

While I was shocked that she disclosed that information about herself in front of the whole class, I kind of admire her at the same time for doing it. For one, that's worse than what I've gone through, and here she is sharing it with an entire class of people. It kinda made me feel like I'm not quite being honest in my own project, though, because the main reason I even wanted to do a series on mental disorders is because I've struggled with one myself.

So now I'm wondering if I should have my project be more of a focus on my own experiences with severe social anxiety, using myself as the subject and chronicling those experiences in photographs. It sounds like a good idea, but at the same time, I don't know how I feel about disclosing such personal information about myself to an entire class. I guess I'm afraid. I have a feeling that it would make the photos more powerful, though.

I don't know what to do now. I'm conflicted. I got so conflicted that I e-mailed my adviser (who has been one of my professors in the past) so I can set up a meeting with him. I think I would feel more comfortable talking to him about it one-on-one first before I decide if I want the whole world (I use that term loosely) to know about my problems. We'll see what happens, I guess.

God, what a night...

 

[MikeyC]

Only disclose the information you want to share. She has obviously had a booster shot of confidence to do so, but maybe you didn't get that, so don't reveal things you will regret later.

 

[Srijita52]

It seems like a very good idea portrait and I also admire your friend for sharing this information with the class, it must've been very hard for her. As for you, I think although it might make the project much more powerful if you're not ready to share your personal information yet, then maybe you shouldn't do it cos in the end its going to make you more uncomfortable. But if its just a slight fear that you think you're able to handle, then go for it. I hope your adviser gives you some very helpful suggestion, good luck

 

[this_portrait]

Thanks for the responses.

Right now I'm just really undecided, mostly. In a way, the thought of talking about my experiences with severe SA and my slow downward spiral after high school, as well as revealing some of my family history, kinda scares the hell out of me. It’s like taking any of the things I wrote in notebooks or on here and reading them out loud to the class. I also feel it would completely go against my attempt at coming off as normal. Hell, it goes against my vow to only tell people I know for sure or strongly believe I can trust.

A small part of me also feels like I would be kind of copying my classmate, even though she has completely different experiences from me, for the most part, and her medium isn’t even the same as mine. Maybe I’m just confusing inspiration with stealing.

Hopefully I can come to some kind of conclusion soon.

 

[Srijita52]

Well, like I said before if you're not ready for sharing(which seems like you aren't) don't do it. Good luck with whichever you do

 

[1BlackSheep]

Perhaps you could present the story as that of a "friend" of yours? Or maybe a few people you've known who've struggled with mental health issues?

I agree that it may not be a good idea to share it as your personal story unless it's something that you won't later regret.

Best of luck no matter what you decide! We'll be there in spirit for you!

 

[this_portrait]

Perhaps you could present the story as that of a "friend" of yours? Or maybe a few people you've known who've struggled with mental health issues?

Well, I don't really know anyone personally who struggles with mental illness. At least no one who lives in close proximity to me.

Thanks for the responses, though. I have a few ideas in mind that I'm going to present to my adviser, and hopefully he'll be able to help point me in the right direction.

 

[this_portrait]

Haven't written here in a while. Part of it is because I've been really busy with school, and the other part is because I just don't seem to know what to really write about. I woke up early once again, so I figured I'd jot down my thoughts before I have to start getting ready for class.

I want to talk about an accomplishment I had last night. For my evening class, I had to present 25% of the progress for my senior project to not only my peers, but also to all of the full-time faculty in my department. So I wouldn't stumble over my words, I made notecards. That helped immensely, and I kinda wonder why I never did that for any of my past presentations in my entire college career. One thing I noticed that was different was my tone of voice; I was talking in the same tone that I would talk to my family: clear, a bit loud, kinda casual, and no timidness in it at all. I've NEVER spoken like that to anyone at this school.

The best part is that my hard work paid off. I spent HOURS just shooting these first two pictures that I presented, and the one that took the longest to work on, the faculty seemed to love it. I got a lot of positive feedback, and any "criticism" I got wasn't really criticism, but more or less suggestions on how to make the photos be more effective. I can honestly say this is the best presentation I've done so far.

I feel hopeful about this project and class now, and I can't say I felt that way when the semester started. I was expecting the worst. Now I'm hoping to make this final semester one of the most creative points of my life. Kinda like two years ago, but even better.

I'll probably post some more later on, because I have other thoughts I want to get down, but for the time being, I think I'm going to try and sleep a bit more before I need to get ready for class (even though I got plenty of sleep).

 

[MikeyC]

I'm so glad the presentation was a success! It's always a massive achievement having hard work pay off like that.

From what you've written here, it sounds like you're becoming a more confident and content person all round. With speaking clearly in class to your bellydancing to your active lifestyle in general to making dates with various guys, you really have your life in some kind of structure. Am I accurate in saying that? You've really blossomed into a confident woman and I couldn't be happier about that.

 

[this_portrait]

Yeah, my life seems to be moving in the right direction, both in terms of career, hobbies, and socializing. I have yet to go out on a date, but I've been talking with a few guys from the two dating sites I'm on. I'm just being friendly with pretty much all of them, but there are two who I would just rather connect with on a purely platonic level, and luckily they've made it clear that they're also looking for new friends as well as a possible relationship.

I've come a long way in terms of interacting with guys on these sites. Two years ago, I RARELY ever initiated a conversation with a guy, and if any of them initiated contact with me, I would not only be anxious, but I'd start really thinking that any guy I started talking to was going to be my future boyfriend. Nowadays I have little to no anxiety about initiating a conversation online with a guy who I think seems interesting, and I don't automatically assume that every guy I get into a conversation with is going to be my boyfriend (though if I think they're attractive enough, I might fantasize about it). I've learned that it's best to act no more than just friendly, at least for now. It's possible that I might end up in a relationship with one of them, but I can't determine that just yet.

 

[MikeyC]

That all sounds so good, this_portrait. I'm so happy for you.

 

[this_portrait]

I've been thinking... Wouldn't it be better for me to be more honest about my mental health with potential friends/a potential boyfriend? Wouldn't it make my life easier because it would weed out all of those who are unwilling to accept me, flaws and all?

Some of these guys I've been talking to for a while now. I'm tempted to "test the waters," so to speak, and bring up my SA somehow, just to see what kind of reaction I'll get. Talk about my medication. Talk about the anger and depression, my slight codependency, all the stupid sh*t I did when my first boyfriend broke up with me... Admit all of this before I become too attached to any of them (either platonically or romantically). That way I won't feel so bad if any of them decide I'm too "crazy" to be around.

What's scary about being more honest and open about my social anxiety is that it's possible they ALL might reject me for it, and I'll be alone once more. I don't want to be alone, but then I guess being alone is better than being around people who will only accept me conditionally.

 

[coyote]

^they may have troubles of their own

revealing yourself may actually bring you closer together

 

[Phoenixx]

What's scary about being more honest and open about my social anxiety is that it's possible they ALL might reject me for it, and I'll be alone once more. I don't want to be alone, but then I guess being alone is better than being around people who will only accept me conditionally.

^ I'm also very afraid of being open about my anxiety. None of my friends (except my guy friend) or my family know about it. I find it frustrating that I can't bring myself to open up to them. I've known them for years, so why can't I bring myself to just tell them? Even though one or two of those people were a partial cause to it anyway, I still close myself off from bringing up any of my personal feelings to anyone.

After having a serious chat with a friend last week (about something entirely different, not even about me), I'm thinking of just opening up. We've been friends for 5 years, yet I feel like she only knows half of who I am. She needs to know. Am I afraid of her rejecting me? I don't think she would reject me, but I'm afraid she'll just look at and treat me differently, like I'm some kind of freak. I think I'd rather be rejected than to be treated differently as such.

Anyway, sorry for ranting on your thread. I hope everything works out for you if you do bring it up to them. Like coyote said, it might just bring you all closer together (and I really should follow that advice myself). Good luck!

 

[MikeyC]

I've been thinking... Wouldn't it be better for me to be more honest about my mental health with potential friends/a potential boyfriend? Wouldn't it make my life easier because it would weed out all of those who are unwilling to accept me, flaws and all?

I don't want to be alone, but then I guess being alone is better than being around people who will only accept me conditionally.

I think you just answered your own question. Maybe not tell them all the details, but just a few of them and see how they react. "Test the waters," as you say.

 

[Shyangel]

I'm so glad so much it going your way, Portrait.

That must have been great to create something beautiful everyone else sees the beauty in as well. You a talented, smart person, I'm sure you are going to go so far in life. Keep up the amazing work.