DeadmanWalking
Well-known member
That's why you're going to the therapist, so you can gain the tools to break down that wall. They can't do it; you have to and I know that you have the power to do so.
this_portrait's Random Thoughts
- Thread starter this_portrait
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That's why you're going to the therapist, so you can gain the tools to break down that wall. They can't do it; you have to and I know that you have the power to do so.
this_portrait
Well-known member
Honestly, I don't think CBT by itself is going to work this time around. I've made an appointment with a psychiatrist to get on a trial SSRI. I really hope it makes CBT a lot easier, because right now it's all so hard as hell.
this_portrait
Well-known member
Here are some more thoughts for the day/evening:
I have a few nervous habits. They consist of twirling my hair, chewing the skin off my fingers, and sometimes chewing on the inside of my mouth. The two that are most noticeable to others are the first two, obviously, and for some reason they drive people up the wall.
Twirling my hair is the one I do the most when I'm around others. I used to bite my fingers A LOT as a teenager, every day, in public, and often to the point where they were cracked and bleeding. They looked terrible. I went to a hypnotist for it just a couple months before h/s graduation. It helped, but I eventually started doing it again (probably because I then transitioned into college). I noticed that I didn't do it as severely, though, and since then, it's been a very slow process of stopping completely. I look forward to the day when I no longer do it.
As for twirling my hair... Well, it seems nearly everyone has a problem with it. I have no idea why nervous habits bother other people so much. I can't recall ever noticing or being bothered by another person's little nervous habits. If I do notice them, I'm not going to judge them for it, because I know how it feels to be a nervous wreck all the time.
I've been taking a little stress ball with me everywhere lately, to use as a replacement for any nervous habits I may do in public. I'm at the point where I rarely twirl my hair in class. Usually I do it in the privacy of my own home. I'm doing it right now off and on, actually. I have no idea why, though. There's really nothing to be nervous about (oh, except the photo shoot I have in over an hour).
Sometimes I feel stubborn. I know that changing all these behaviors around will ultimately benefit ME in the long-run, but I feel like the only reason I'm even trying to change myself is because of other people. I think things like, "If others can't accept me for who I am, then f*ck 'em all." On the other hand, I want to be accepted and loved by others, and my behavior keeps that from happening. I sometimes feel pathetic knowing that I'm trying to change myself just to gain acceptance from other people. I try to not think about it that way, but when I really think about it, that IS technically why I want to come off as a more normal person.
I have a few nervous habits. They consist of twirling my hair, chewing the skin off my fingers, and sometimes chewing on the inside of my mouth. The two that are most noticeable to others are the first two, obviously, and for some reason they drive people up the wall.
Twirling my hair is the one I do the most when I'm around others. I used to bite my fingers A LOT as a teenager, every day, in public, and often to the point where they were cracked and bleeding. They looked terrible. I went to a hypnotist for it just a couple months before h/s graduation. It helped, but I eventually started doing it again (probably because I then transitioned into college). I noticed that I didn't do it as severely, though, and since then, it's been a very slow process of stopping completely. I look forward to the day when I no longer do it.
As for twirling my hair... Well, it seems nearly everyone has a problem with it. I have no idea why nervous habits bother other people so much. I can't recall ever noticing or being bothered by another person's little nervous habits. If I do notice them, I'm not going to judge them for it, because I know how it feels to be a nervous wreck all the time.
I've been taking a little stress ball with me everywhere lately, to use as a replacement for any nervous habits I may do in public. I'm at the point where I rarely twirl my hair in class. Usually I do it in the privacy of my own home. I'm doing it right now off and on, actually. I have no idea why, though. There's really nothing to be nervous about (oh, except the photo shoot I have in over an hour).
Sometimes I feel stubborn. I know that changing all these behaviors around will ultimately benefit ME in the long-run, but I feel like the only reason I'm even trying to change myself is because of other people. I think things like, "If others can't accept me for who I am, then f*ck 'em all." On the other hand, I want to be accepted and loved by others, and my behavior keeps that from happening. I sometimes feel pathetic knowing that I'm trying to change myself just to gain acceptance from other people. I try to not think about it that way, but when I really think about it, that IS technically why I want to come off as a more normal person.
this_portrait
Well-known member
Therapy went rather well today, even though all my therapist really did was listen to me talk for much of the time.
I've been doing good in terms of not feeling down this week so far. I'm not exactly "happy," but I'm not sitting around ruminating like I was. I've been doing a pretty good job at not crying, not letting all my anger and resentment take over my mind. There were times when I almost let it take control, but I stopped myself and tried to find some sort of distraction. Working out has been helping, too.
At the moment, like I already mentioned, I'm not really happy, but I'm not completely pissed off and depressed, either. You could say I'm still down and angry and depressed, but I'm just not letting those bitter feelings completely take over. It's like I'm just in a state of slight melancholy where I don't really feel any kind of extreme emotion. I know most would say that they would rather feel pain than nothing at all, but I disagree. Feeling nothing at all is much better than feeling all these negative feelings I've been feeling for over a month now. I guess ideally I'd like to be happy, but it's been a major slow process of trying to reach happiness for a while now, so feeling nothing is probably a sign of progress.
I've started re-reading Elizabeth Wurtzel's Prozac Nation. When I first read that book, I was virtually clueless about depression and mental illness in general. It was quite a while before I had been diagnosed with social phobia. I couldn't really relate to what Wurtzel went through; I just thought the book would be an interesting read, and when I did read it, I remember being glad that I wasn't in the same position as her.
I can relate to her now, though. I still haven't gone through the same things she has gone through, and I don't have clinical depression (though my SA has certainly caused me much depression), but I can relate to the whole process she went through before she was finally put on Prozac. Again, my situation isn't as extreme as hers, but the process is the same: Events in my life have affected me in a bad way, I go to therapy, learn about myself, try to get better, there's a high point in my life, high point becomes a low point, more therapy to cope with things and get better, and I finally give in and decide to try an SSRI. Such a similar process.
Perhaps re-reading this book will allow me to see things in it that I didn't catch before. Maybe I'll discover something new about myself (though I doubt that). Or maybe it'll just be another form of entertainment to pass time by.
I've been doing good in terms of not feeling down this week so far. I'm not exactly "happy," but I'm not sitting around ruminating like I was. I've been doing a pretty good job at not crying, not letting all my anger and resentment take over my mind. There were times when I almost let it take control, but I stopped myself and tried to find some sort of distraction. Working out has been helping, too.
At the moment, like I already mentioned, I'm not really happy, but I'm not completely pissed off and depressed, either. You could say I'm still down and angry and depressed, but I'm just not letting those bitter feelings completely take over. It's like I'm just in a state of slight melancholy where I don't really feel any kind of extreme emotion. I know most would say that they would rather feel pain than nothing at all, but I disagree. Feeling nothing at all is much better than feeling all these negative feelings I've been feeling for over a month now. I guess ideally I'd like to be happy, but it's been a major slow process of trying to reach happiness for a while now, so feeling nothing is probably a sign of progress.
I've started re-reading Elizabeth Wurtzel's Prozac Nation. When I first read that book, I was virtually clueless about depression and mental illness in general. It was quite a while before I had been diagnosed with social phobia. I couldn't really relate to what Wurtzel went through; I just thought the book would be an interesting read, and when I did read it, I remember being glad that I wasn't in the same position as her.
I can relate to her now, though. I still haven't gone through the same things she has gone through, and I don't have clinical depression (though my SA has certainly caused me much depression), but I can relate to the whole process she went through before she was finally put on Prozac. Again, my situation isn't as extreme as hers, but the process is the same: Events in my life have affected me in a bad way, I go to therapy, learn about myself, try to get better, there's a high point in my life, high point becomes a low point, more therapy to cope with things and get better, and I finally give in and decide to try an SSRI. Such a similar process.
Perhaps re-reading this book will allow me to see things in it that I didn't catch before. Maybe I'll discover something new about myself (though I doubt that). Or maybe it'll just be another form of entertainment to pass time by.
MikeyC
Well-known member
This may be a sign that you're getting better at dealing with all the crap you've been through. I would take this as a positive!
this_portrait
Well-known member
This may be a sign that you're getting better at dealing with all the crap you've been through. I would take this as a positive!
I'd say so. I've been talking to my aunt a lot lately, and she thinks I'm doing great so far, especially with tackling my social phobia. She thinks this because she says I'm aware of my problem(s) and what I need to work on.
MikeyC
Well-known member
Exactly. Plus time can lower extreme feelings for people.
You're doing great, portrait! Keep up the good work, and keep us updated on your developments.
this_portrait
Well-known member
Today is yet another one of those days where I just don't really feel much of anything. Not happy, not angry/depressed. Just nothing. I was supposed to get up today and go shoot some portraits in the campus studio, but my partner for my class said she couldn't because she had a bunch of group work to do. She's going to drop the big camera we use off at my place later tonight so I can work on all my still-lifes. I'm going to be spending plenty of hours developing and printing in the darkroom tomorrow. Unfortunately, I still have to do those portraits, and studio access ends on December 1st. Sometimes I wonder if I would've been better off to just do these portraits on my own with no help.
Aside from photo sh*t, I've just been sitting in this overheated apartment re-reading Prozac Nation and highlighting things in it that I feel relate to me. Since I now have more time than I thought I would have, I'm planning on going to the gym again. Gotta continue to keep in shape and relieve stress. I'm trying to work out at least 4 times a week, though this upcoming week I won't be able to go to the gym as much because I only have classes for 2 days, and on Wednesday they close at 6. I will try to go all three of those days, but if I can't make all of them, then I guess I can just run around outside on Thanksgiving when I'm in my hometown. It will practically be a ghost town that day, anyway, so I'll have the streets/sidewalks all to myself.
On Wednesday, I have an appointment with a psychiatrist. This doctor was recommended to me by my therapist, so hopefully she had good judgment. I've been trying to predict which SSRI she'll prescribe me based on reading the info. on all of them on the National Institute of Health's website. Whichever one it is, I hope I don't have a bad reaction to it. Granted, the dose has a lot to do with it, too. I'll probably only need the smallest amount. I just only want to be on this stuff for a few months, just enough time to give me a little push and get me used to socializing, and then be off of it. I don't want to be on meds for the rest of my life. I just want them to help me out of this hell I've been in for much too long now. Get me out of it, before I end up turning into an old reclusive maid.
Aside from photo sh*t, I've just been sitting in this overheated apartment re-reading Prozac Nation and highlighting things in it that I feel relate to me. Since I now have more time than I thought I would have, I'm planning on going to the gym again. Gotta continue to keep in shape and relieve stress. I'm trying to work out at least 4 times a week, though this upcoming week I won't be able to go to the gym as much because I only have classes for 2 days, and on Wednesday they close at 6. I will try to go all three of those days, but if I can't make all of them, then I guess I can just run around outside on Thanksgiving when I'm in my hometown. It will practically be a ghost town that day, anyway, so I'll have the streets/sidewalks all to myself.
On Wednesday, I have an appointment with a psychiatrist. This doctor was recommended to me by my therapist, so hopefully she had good judgment. I've been trying to predict which SSRI she'll prescribe me based on reading the info. on all of them on the National Institute of Health's website. Whichever one it is, I hope I don't have a bad reaction to it. Granted, the dose has a lot to do with it, too. I'll probably only need the smallest amount. I just only want to be on this stuff for a few months, just enough time to give me a little push and get me used to socializing, and then be off of it. I don't want to be on meds for the rest of my life. I just want them to help me out of this hell I've been in for much too long now. Get me out of it, before I end up turning into an old reclusive maid.
MikeyC
Well-known member
No, don't do it! You're too good a person! :
:Yeah, being on medication forever does sound like a terrible thing. As long as there's no side-effects and you don't rely on them, I reckon they'll do you the world of good. And I hope they do. I want to see that smile again.
this_portrait
Well-known member
God... Today was just really stressful. I don't even want to go into the details of why it was so stressful. I just had so much sh*t to do for one of my classes before the break begins on Wednesday. I managed to finish it all on time, but still, it was just so stressful getting it all done. I had to rush with a lot of it. To think that this is all because I got screwed over by one of my classmates. Just goes to show that you can't rely on anyone but yourself when it comes to getting your work done. People can be so incompetent. I used to think I was incompetent compared to everyone else, but I'm slowly becoming more and more convinced that it's most others who are incompetent compared to me.
There's just one thing I regret, and that is freaking out and getting super angry when things were just not going like I had planned. I tend to do that a lot. If I get screwed over, I panic and start getting frustrated and pissed off. I end up throwing a fit to those who will listen to it (such as my mother). I did that today, and I know that I was justified in doing it. Anyone else in my position would probably be feeling the same way. I don't know, though... I feel that I was acting practically hysterical, and I doubt others act that way when they're as frustrated as I was. At the same time, I can't really help it.
On a better note, though, I was given a job opportunity this week. Instead of photographing an event or class, I get to cut these big matte boards into a bunch of 3x5 labels for the fine arts department. Apparently the department chair recommended me to the people who need it done, so I decided I'd take the opportunity. It will take quite a bit of time, but I can do it.
There's just one thing I regret, and that is freaking out and getting super angry when things were just not going like I had planned. I tend to do that a lot. If I get screwed over, I panic and start getting frustrated and pissed off. I end up throwing a fit to those who will listen to it (such as my mother). I did that today, and I know that I was justified in doing it. Anyone else in my position would probably be feeling the same way. I don't know, though... I feel that I was acting practically hysterical, and I doubt others act that way when they're as frustrated as I was. At the same time, I can't really help it.
On a better note, though, I was given a job opportunity this week. Instead of photographing an event or class, I get to cut these big matte boards into a bunch of 3x5 labels for the fine arts department. Apparently the department chair recommended me to the people who need it done, so I decided I'd take the opportunity. It will take quite a bit of time, but I can do it.
Srijita52
Well-known member
I do that a lot to when things don't go as I planned, I even panic over the simplest matters. I'm trying to more at ease these days though I can hardly see any improvment lol.
Ohh that's good, you sure can do it, good luck!
this_portrait
Well-known member
Thanks for the replies, guys.
I figure I'll make another entry before I have to go take an exam this morning. It's about songs and bands/singers. Seems like ever since the time between my senior year of high school and my first year of college, I've been going through this thing where, if I go through a bad situation and certain songs/bands/artists remind me of that bad situation, I can't listen to them, at least for a long while.
The first of these instances was with the band Joy Division. I had a huge crush on a guy in h/s who liked them quite a bit and even said at one point that the songs "Love Will Tear Us Apart" and "Shadowplay" reminded him of me. There was a bit of a fallout with him (we never really dated, though God knows I wanted us to at the time), and up until my sophomore year of college, I couldn't listen to Joy Division. I could listen to covers of "Love Will Tear Us Apart," but not the actual band itself.
I'm going through the same thing now with various songs, bands, etc. For some reason, I cannot listen to Whitesnake's "Is This Love" or Def Leppard's "Love Bites" without wanting to cry. I have no idea why those songs bring up memories of the times spent with my ex, but they just do. And don't even get me started on the genre of progressive rock. That is pretty much my ex's favorite genre of music. He's given me quite a few CDs either to burn or as a gift, and I still have them on my iTunes. I even have a playlist that separates them all, "Prog Rock." If I'm on shuffle, though, and one of them comes up, I skip it. So in this instance, I can't even listen to a whole GENRE of music because of past events. Eventually I know it will all pass, but damn, if it took me about 2 years before I could finally start listening to Joy Division again, it'll probably take me even longer before I can even listen to any of this again.
Funny, though, I have Joy Division songs in my head as I type this. I guess it's better than having that Whitesnake song in my head like I had earlier, making me feel all down in the dumps.
Anyway, I should probably eat a little something before I head out. I don't think I'll be able to concentrate for this exam if my stomach is empty.
I figure I'll make another entry before I have to go take an exam this morning. It's about songs and bands/singers. Seems like ever since the time between my senior year of high school and my first year of college, I've been going through this thing where, if I go through a bad situation and certain songs/bands/artists remind me of that bad situation, I can't listen to them, at least for a long while.
The first of these instances was with the band Joy Division. I had a huge crush on a guy in h/s who liked them quite a bit and even said at one point that the songs "Love Will Tear Us Apart" and "Shadowplay" reminded him of me. There was a bit of a fallout with him (we never really dated, though God knows I wanted us to at the time), and up until my sophomore year of college, I couldn't listen to Joy Division. I could listen to covers of "Love Will Tear Us Apart," but not the actual band itself.
I'm going through the same thing now with various songs, bands, etc. For some reason, I cannot listen to Whitesnake's "Is This Love" or Def Leppard's "Love Bites" without wanting to cry. I have no idea why those songs bring up memories of the times spent with my ex, but they just do. And don't even get me started on the genre of progressive rock. That is pretty much my ex's favorite genre of music. He's given me quite a few CDs either to burn or as a gift, and I still have them on my iTunes. I even have a playlist that separates them all, "Prog Rock." If I'm on shuffle, though, and one of them comes up, I skip it. So in this instance, I can't even listen to a whole GENRE of music because of past events. Eventually I know it will all pass, but damn, if it took me about 2 years before I could finally start listening to Joy Division again, it'll probably take me even longer before I can even listen to any of this again.
Funny, though, I have Joy Division songs in my head as I type this. I guess it's better than having that Whitesnake song in my head like I had earlier, making me feel all down in the dumps.
Anyway, I should probably eat a little something before I head out. I don't think I'll be able to concentrate for this exam if my stomach is empty.
this_portrait
Well-known member
My appointment with a psychiatrist was today. I got a 'script written out for a real low dose (10 mg) of an SSRI. The pharmacy had it when I went to take the prescription to them, so I get to officially start taking them tomorrow morning. I really hope they give me the push that I need.
I was supposed to cut some boards today for a job, but it looks like I'll have to postpone that until Saturday. When I went up to the room to do it, the cabinet with the bevel cutters in it was locked. I went up to the offices and no one was there due to the fact that everyone is gone for the holiday weekend. I'm just going to buy my own cutter at an arts supply store on Friday, and then use that on Saturday.
To be honest, I'm kinda glad that I got out of doing more work for today. I've been up since 7 AM doing laundry, packing, taking out the trash, going to my appointment, etc. My job getting postponed will allow me to have more time to do things like fold my clothes and go to the gym. I haven't been to the gym since Saturday. That doesn't mean I haven't worked out (I've done sit-ups in my apartment), but I feel like I burn more calories and relieve more stress when I run on the treadmill. Plus, I've been having some more angry thoughts popping up within the last couple of days, and running seems to help quiet them.
And I've been wanting to get some working out in before later this evening. I have to take an early shower and then catch a 9:30 train going out to my hometown, which means I'll have to leave my apartment around 7:30 so I'll get to the train station on time. I will probably pass out on my old bed once I get home, if I don't fall asleep on the train first. I'm just glad tomorrow close to nothing will be open, so it will practically be a ghost town. I'll get to run outside and then drive out in the country at night just for the hell of it. Probably gonna get up at 4 AM on Friday to do some shopping (for myself, of course; no one to really get a gift for) and also get that bevel cutter.
So that's pretty much my whole day and what I plan on doing the next couple of days. I've been so busy lately, and next semester is only going to be worse. D:
I was supposed to cut some boards today for a job, but it looks like I'll have to postpone that until Saturday. When I went up to the room to do it, the cabinet with the bevel cutters in it was locked. I went up to the offices and no one was there due to the fact that everyone is gone for the holiday weekend. I'm just going to buy my own cutter at an arts supply store on Friday, and then use that on Saturday.
To be honest, I'm kinda glad that I got out of doing more work for today. I've been up since 7 AM doing laundry, packing, taking out the trash, going to my appointment, etc. My job getting postponed will allow me to have more time to do things like fold my clothes and go to the gym. I haven't been to the gym since Saturday. That doesn't mean I haven't worked out (I've done sit-ups in my apartment), but I feel like I burn more calories and relieve more stress when I run on the treadmill. Plus, I've been having some more angry thoughts popping up within the last couple of days, and running seems to help quiet them.
And I've been wanting to get some working out in before later this evening. I have to take an early shower and then catch a 9:30 train going out to my hometown, which means I'll have to leave my apartment around 7:30 so I'll get to the train station on time. I will probably pass out on my old bed once I get home, if I don't fall asleep on the train first. I'm just glad tomorrow close to nothing will be open, so it will practically be a ghost town. I'll get to run outside and then drive out in the country at night just for the hell of it. Probably gonna get up at 4 AM on Friday to do some shopping (for myself, of course; no one to really get a gift for) and also get that bevel cutter.
So that's pretty much my whole day and what I plan on doing the next couple of days. I've been so busy lately, and next semester is only going to be worse. D:
MikeyC
Well-known member
You really have been busy, haven't you? At least you're keeping your mind active, despite some more of those angry thoughts seeping in.
Well done for maintaining a good workout routine. I have tried to do that but I can't. Sometimes it gets difficult for me, but I'm glad you've found a way around that. I want to be active and healthy but I find it so hard. ::
You'll be a busy girl for the next couple of days. Hopefully you'll get everything done that you want.
Well done for maintaining a good workout routine. I have tried to do that but I can't. Sometimes it gets difficult for me, but I'm glad you've found a way around that. I want to be active and healthy but I find it so hard. :
:You'll be a busy girl for the next couple of days. Hopefully you'll get everything done that you want.
IcedEarth25
Well-known member
For me true friends don't exist at all to the point I'm prepared to live my own standard for the rest of my life as I won't have any one judging me, mocking me or trying to make me join their army of pure so called uniquness. I have a couple of friends that I have at work and out of work, and I've always felt I would stick my neck on the line for some of these people yet they probably wouldn't do the same for me. I feel that there is a 1 in maybe a thousand occurance where you meet someone who treats you and respects you that lives up to your standards that are acceptable. I doubt that I will have any serious true friends again after I decided to ditch 2 old friends who left for another workplace that eventually started showing their true colours and became 'Posers' as I like to call fakes.
But yea the whole point to this is be only who YOU wanna be, don't accept any bulls**t from any one who says otherwise.
But yea the whole point to this is be only who YOU wanna be, don't accept any bulls**t from any one who says otherwise.
this_portrait
Well-known member
Thanks, all.
Usually I only have a hard time working out if I'm already hot and sweaty. I would rather be cold or neutral before working up a sweat than be already hot and sweaty, for some reason. I probably shouldn't have that kind of habit, but yeah.
IcedEarth25: Yeah, you're right. For some reason your post made me think of how hypocritical so-called "friends" can be when it comes to having problems. They don't want to listen to your issues and always say things like, "Don't you have anything positive to say?" or "Why can't you just be happy?" but then when THEY have problems, you're supposed to listen to them drone on and on and on. If you give them advice, they don't take it. If you decide to stop listening to their sh*t, then you're not a good friend. It's like a lose-lose situation.
Then again, I'm guilty of doing the same thing at times. I try to not be, but there are just certain people who I can't put up with. Too bad it takes getting to know them to realize that, and you feel like an a**hat for ditching them because you got so close to them, but at the same time you just can't take them anymore.
Usually I only have a hard time working out if I'm already hot and sweaty. I would rather be cold or neutral before working up a sweat than be already hot and sweaty, for some reason. I probably shouldn't have that kind of habit, but yeah.
IcedEarth25: Yeah, you're right. For some reason your post made me think of how hypocritical so-called "friends" can be when it comes to having problems. They don't want to listen to your issues and always say things like, "Don't you have anything positive to say?" or "Why can't you just be happy?" but then when THEY have problems, you're supposed to listen to them drone on and on and on. If you give them advice, they don't take it. If you decide to stop listening to their sh*t, then you're not a good friend. It's like a lose-lose situation.
Then again, I'm guilty of doing the same thing at times. I try to not be, but there are just certain people who I can't put up with. Too bad it takes getting to know them to realize that, and you feel like an a**hat for ditching them because you got so close to them, but at the same time you just can't take them anymore.
MikeyC
Well-known member
Makes sense. When you're hot and sweaty to begin with, you're already uncomfortable, so going to the gym to increase that discomfort sounds like a terrible idea.
IcedEarth25
Well-known member
@ this portrait I value your comment slot as that Is basically my situation almost everyday at work. I work with some of my real good friends tho some have moved on and more will pretty soon. Unfortunatly I was in a situation where I would show my discomfort of depression along with some of my anger and it would be like "Cant ya just be happy, oh you hate alot of things" as I would say negative comments of things I disapproved, but yea they don't wanna know my problems? I don't give a stuff bout theirs, I have mentioned my communication problem one tome too many now bit nothing seems to make it stick in their heads. I suppose it was my fault at losing friends as I could have been maybe more approachable with less negativity but their bad vibe would bounce ofc mine so it's more or less a vicious circle that keeps going round and round.
this_portrait
Well-known member
Last night, I hopped on a train from the city to a country town just 45 minutes outside my hometown. Today I haven’t gone anywhere except for a short run around my neighborhood. I had my “dinner” early at around 11:00 AM, and I couldn’t even eat all of it, really (though it wasn’t wasted; I just put it back with the rest of the food). Right now I’m procrastinating on writing a paper that’s due exactly one week from now. I’ve got all my sources spread out on my bed and open on my laptop, but I just don’t know how to begin it. I always have a problem with beginning and concluding papers.
Yesterday was my appointment with a psychiatrist. She prescribed me a low dose of an SSRI, and luckily they had it at the pharmacy when I took the ‘script there. I started it this morning not long after I woke up. I’m not expecting any kind of change overnight. It takes 4-6 weeks before I even start to notice anything. The first pill made me feel rather drowsy, but it wasn’t anything I haven’t experienced before when taking an antihistamine. As for other side effects, the only ones the psychiatrist mentioned were dryness in the mouth and stomach problems for the first week. Not really a big deal.
I just hope these little pills give me the push I need within the next few months. I don’t want to be on medication for my social phobia forever. I just want it to help me get through my therapy assignments and help me act more “normal” around my peers.
Anyway, regarding this holiday, I don’t know… For some reason, I feel alone, even though I’m really not. I’ve been around my parents since late last night and have been interacting with them for much of the day. Seems like Thanksgiving and Christmas are primarily days spent with family versus with friends and/or lovers. Sometimes I feel like my family are the only ones (well, a certain amount) who actually give a damn about me and want anything to do with me. If I were to die one day in an accident, I feel like they’re the only ones who would shed a tear. I doubt anyone else I’ve ever met in my life would do that… Maybe they’ll offer sympathy just to not come off as complete d*cks, but secretly they would be thinking, “She was a pain in the a** anyway…” It makes me sad to think about it that way, but I can’t help but feel like it’s true.
-sigh- Holidays are something that I’ve just grown to dislike lately, purely because of their social natures. Last year, I partook in buying gifts for the people I cared about, but I’m not doing it this year. Tomorrow I’m going to be completely selfish and indulge in buying stuff just for myself. While everyone else is going to be out buying things for their family, friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc., I’ll only have myself in mind. I don’t care. Maybe if I have a change of heart before Christmas rolls around, I’ll make cards for people. It’s cheaper, takes more effort, and people seem to like it more. If not, then maybe next year. Or maybe not even for a special occasion. Maybe just to be nice. I don’t know.
Well, I think I’m done now. I need to figure out what the hell to put down for this paper. I at least want to get 1.5 pages typed this afternoon. It’s about Jackson Pollock and Jungian analysis. Fun stuff. Anyway, I need to stop procrastinating now.
Yesterday was my appointment with a psychiatrist. She prescribed me a low dose of an SSRI, and luckily they had it at the pharmacy when I took the ‘script there. I started it this morning not long after I woke up. I’m not expecting any kind of change overnight. It takes 4-6 weeks before I even start to notice anything. The first pill made me feel rather drowsy, but it wasn’t anything I haven’t experienced before when taking an antihistamine. As for other side effects, the only ones the psychiatrist mentioned were dryness in the mouth and stomach problems for the first week. Not really a big deal.
I just hope these little pills give me the push I need within the next few months. I don’t want to be on medication for my social phobia forever. I just want it to help me get through my therapy assignments and help me act more “normal” around my peers.
Anyway, regarding this holiday, I don’t know… For some reason, I feel alone, even though I’m really not. I’ve been around my parents since late last night and have been interacting with them for much of the day. Seems like Thanksgiving and Christmas are primarily days spent with family versus with friends and/or lovers. Sometimes I feel like my family are the only ones (well, a certain amount) who actually give a damn about me and want anything to do with me. If I were to die one day in an accident, I feel like they’re the only ones who would shed a tear. I doubt anyone else I’ve ever met in my life would do that… Maybe they’ll offer sympathy just to not come off as complete d*cks, but secretly they would be thinking, “She was a pain in the a** anyway…” It makes me sad to think about it that way, but I can’t help but feel like it’s true.
-sigh- Holidays are something that I’ve just grown to dislike lately, purely because of their social natures. Last year, I partook in buying gifts for the people I cared about, but I’m not doing it this year. Tomorrow I’m going to be completely selfish and indulge in buying stuff just for myself. While everyone else is going to be out buying things for their family, friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc., I’ll only have myself in mind. I don’t care. Maybe if I have a change of heart before Christmas rolls around, I’ll make cards for people. It’s cheaper, takes more effort, and people seem to like it more. If not, then maybe next year. Or maybe not even for a special occasion. Maybe just to be nice. I don’t know.
Well, I think I’m done now. I need to figure out what the hell to put down for this paper. I at least want to get 1.5 pages typed this afternoon. It’s about Jackson Pollock and Jungian analysis. Fun stuff. Anyway, I need to stop procrastinating now.