this_portrait's Random Thoughts

[this_portrait]

-yawn- I thought I could pull an all-nighter and just not sleep at all today, but I ended up taking about a 3-hour nap once I got home from shopping, and then another 1.5-hour nap. Nearly 5 hours of sleep. Not too bad.

Shopping from past midnight to about 7 AM was rather hectic. The stores are sooo crowded compared to the past 3 years. I think earlier opening times have a lot to do with it. Still, the best Black Friday was probably back in 2008, right after the recession began; no one was around hardly at all that day.

One thing I noticed is that, even though I had to wait in ridiculously long lines and plow through people depending on which stores I went into, I didn't get as irritated as I normally would get when placed in those situations. I was surprisingly calm and patient. It was weird. There were times when I would become more irritable (especially when I started getting very tired), but it wasn't so bad.

But yeah, indulging was rather fun. I try to not go overboard, but sometimes shopping can be a little therapeutic for me. It's just one of those little things that provides a temporary happiness while I'm in the process of getting over all the emotional b/s I've been going through. Shopping, going to the gym, talking to random people, taking long walks if it's not too cold out, and driving on the seemingly rare occasion I get access to a car -- all of these things seem to help me unwind and keep unwanted thoughts/feelings at bay.

Anyway, I still need to go to the art supply store. Once I'm done there, I think I'll come back to my house, try on some of the clothes I bought, and then do some homework before I head back to my apartment in the city tonight. Despite all the annoying people out and about, today is a decent day.

 

[MikeyC]

Sounds like you had another hectic time, portrait. Keeping very busy, which is not exactly a bad thing. Well done.

 

[this_portrait]

Today seems to be one of those days where I find myself wishing that I could push a fast-forward button. I'd go to a time and place where I'm past all this b/s and I no longer give a damn about anything or anyone that has ever gone wrong for me. Sometimes I wish I could just skip my early 20's. At midnight on my 20th birthday, I wish I could've pushed a fast-forward button that would take me at least to the age of 25.

I'm also sick of being told to "live in the present" and to not think about the past or future. The past is one thing, but the future? Come on. If all I did was live in the present and not think one bit about my future, I'd be screwed. To me, a large portion of these people who are all about living in the present clearly don't give a sh*t what happens to them. That being said, why would I want to live in the present when the present sucks for me? At least I had some good memories in the past and I can look forward to more good memories in the future if I just do things right and "fix" myself. There's nothing good about the present for me right now.

In a few weeks, I'm taking a vacation down to Texas. My aunt lives down there, so I will be staying with her. For about a month now, she's been trying to help me out with my issues. She says that she went through very similar things that I'm going through right now (though she was much worse off than I am). My family thinks that getting out of the state for a while will be good for me; I'm guessing because it will be a change of scenery, warmer weather, time away from all the areas and places that serve as reminders, etc. It kinda feels like I'm going to leave everything behind, but I'm not, really. I'm coming back, of course, and besides, even if I wanted to just run away and leave all the bad things behind, I wouldn't be able to, anyway. They would just follow me around.

That's really all I have to say for now. I've had a plethora of other thoughts today, but I'll save them for later.

 

[MikeyC]

To me, a large portion of these people who are all about living in the present clearly don't give a sh*t what happens to them.

True, but people can have more fun this way.

I, however, agree with you. A friend of mine is seemingly going from woman to woman, with no thought of repercussions. He's currently "dating" one now who is so into him it's scary, but he doesn't feel the same way because I think he sees it as more of a fling. She'll get her heart broken and he'll likely avoid repercussions again, but there's only so much until karma takes a chunk out of him.

In a few weeks, I'm taking a vacation down to Texas. My aunt lives down there, so I will be staying with her. For about a month now, she's been trying to help me out with my issues. She says that she went through very similar things that I'm going through right now (though she was much worse off than I am). My family thinks that getting out of the state for a while will be good for me; I'm guessing because it will be a change of scenery, warmer weather, time away from all the areas and places that serve as reminders, etc.

Yeah, it will be the best. A change of scenery temporarily will lift your spirits. I'm sure your aunt will welcome you with open arms and you and her can have a massive talk, while you enjoy the warmer weather and the Texan scenery.

I'll be taking a road trip to Melbourne just after Christmas so I hope for the same result.

 

[this_portrait]

I've been working on writing a letter to myself. It's a type of reassurance; it talks about how there's nothing inherently wrong with me, that I'm really a good person on the inside, but I have this mask I wear that makes people perceive me in a negative light. I myself don't need to change; the mask just needs to be taken off, cut up into tiny pieces, and thrown in the garbage.

This letter is still in progress, but I hope to finish it soon. I think I will switch to handwriting it instead. It's more personal.

I'm starting to believe that about myself, though, slowly but surely. I'm not a horrible person, no matter how much anyone tries to make me think that I am. I'm so sick of letting others' negative perceptions of me drag me down. They don't know me. They don't know jack sh*t about me. I'll "be myself," as the phrase goes, eventually, and even if that still isn't enough to please them, then I pity them.

I know I have flaws. We all have them. I'm selfish, stubborn, tend to have a bad temper, and I can be impatient. I don't believe in perfection, and if anyone expects that of me, they're setting themselves up for disappointment. That's not my problem, though.

I'm not crazy or insane or weird or rude. Anyone who believes that about me, like I said, doesn't know me. The way I see it, they have problems of their own, so they're looking for easy targets to pinpoint their weaknesses. My anxious behavior makes me the perfect candidate, so they try to down me as a way to feel better about themselves. To make it seem like they're "normal" when in reality they're possibly just as messed up in the head as I am, but they're a lot better at hiding it.

In the end, though, I will be the one to come out on top. No one is going to get in my way or try to stop me by making me feel like sh*t about myself with their critical comments. People will want to be around me, employers will see me as a good candidate for a job, guys will want to date me for more than just my looks, and most of all, I will be happy. You could say it's like the ultimate revenge.

Just some more thoughts for the evening.

 

[MikeyC]

Isn't the saying "the best revenge is living well"?

Those are some uplifting thoughts, portrait. Good luck on that letter.

 

[this_portrait]

Today is just... I don't know. Feeling the typical emptiness that I've been feeling for a while now. I shed a few tears earlier because I thought too much about the fact that I'm single.

Yes, I hate being single. I tried to like it, but I can't. I hate every minute of it. That doesn't mean I'm desperate, though, which makes it even harder. If I was desperate, well, I would've put my pickiness and high standards aside and found myself another guy by now. I'm not doing that, though, because I refuse to date outside my type, as I've already stated in my thread about being picky.

Those overrated songs are right when they compare love and relationships to drugs. I even read somewhere that a relationship with another person is much like a cocaine addiction, and if there's a break-up, the heartbreak is much like the withdrawal symptoms of a person coming off coke.

I don't know what a coke addiction is like, but from what I've read, I'd have to agree, especially about the withdrawal symptoms. Right now I feel like I've been locked up in a rehab center, unable to go out and obtain the special "brand" (a.k.a. type of guy) that I want. When I do try to escape, I get caught and then thrown back into rehab. Sometimes I feel like I'm having the cheap brand (better known as dudes I'm not attracted to at all) thrown at me as a way to keep my "addiction" in check. But, I don't want the cheap sh*t. I want the high quality expensive stuff. I only want the best. My preferred type. And only a select few men on this planet fit that type, whoever they are, wherever they are.

Hope ya'll enjoy my little analogy, because Lord knows it's accurate. I look forward to the day when I can get my next batch of the good "brand" again, instead of being surrounded by all this cheap trash.

Anyway, I really just want the week to end already. Let me go to my therapy appointment on Saturday. Maybe I'll go to a bar some time this weekend (though I won't drink, for a few reasons). I hate the thought of going alone, but then it's better than being holed up in my apartment for 2-3 days straight. I'll probably just order some kind of non-alcoholic drink and sit and watch everyone else act like morons. Still beats sitting around here all night, though.

Okay, I'm done now. I need to work on this damn paper.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Well, for right now, yes, get your work done and go enjoy yourself. Go out and put yourself out there for guys to notice you. I can't understand what you're going through right now, but, in keeping with your comparison, coming off of drugs takes time and you have to ease off of it. You weren't really given a choice in the latter, but, now, ease your focus off of boys and set your future up. Like with all people getting off of drugs, it takes time and there will be times when you feel like you just need one for no apparent reason in particular. Yet, you cannot yield; you've got to keep fighting that "addiction" to boys until your craving is over. I want to be in a relationship right now like you do, but, right now, I'm trying to focus on my work. So, if I can do it, then you should be able to do so as well.

 

[this_portrait]

It's so cold in here right now. On days when it's not even really that cold out, they put the heat on full blast, but today is the coldest it's been in a while and the wind is kicking a**, and they DON'T have the heat on. D: I'm trying to get warmed up and comfortable so I can work on this paper more.

Today has been a hermit day for me. I haven't stepped one foot outside because I just did NOT want to walk in that wind. I won't be doing that for the rest of the semester, though, because there's only less than 2 weeks left before finals and I need to take full advantage of class time as much as I can. I just can't wait to be done with it all.

I'm really considering going to a bar on Thursday night. Not sure which one or even what time I should go. I was thinking of going on Friday night, but it will probably be way too hectic, and there are already plenty of people in my age group that go out on Thursday nights, anyway. I won't be dressing up too much, but I'm not going to look TOO casual, either. As for what time I should go, I'm still trying to figure that out. I don't want to go too late, for a few reasons. I also don't know if I want to go to the bar that's right around the corner from my campus or if I should go to one somewhere else. It might be a better idea to go to the one closer to home, since there will be more fellow students there. The only thing that sucks about that place is that half of the people there are underage morons with fake IDs.

But yeah, I'll figure something out, I guess. Hopefully I don't go there and people try to get me to drink. I can't be drinking while on this fluoxetine. Even if I wasn't on it, I wouldn't drink there anyway, because I don't drink socially.

Well, typing this has helped to warm me up, though my nose is still cold. I gotta work on this paper in a bit, so I'll end it here.

 

[this_portrait]

This week seemed to go by so fast. Maybe skipping classes two days in a row is what did it. I have another therapy appointment this Saturday, but it's not in the morning, thank God. It's later in the afternoon. I don't even know what to talk to my therapist about. She'll probably ask me how the fluoxetine is so far. Maybe she'll ask me how my Thanksgiving break was. We'll see how it goes.

I really need to clean my apartment up one day this weekend. It's so cluttered. I have so much sh*t on my couch that you can't even sit on it (not that I have people over, anyway). I just seem to throw things around lately instead of organizing them and putting them away. Part of the reason for this mess is that I've been super busy with school, and then the other reason has more to do with being depressed and unmotivated. I think I'll wake up tomorrow morning and just clean all day. Then I'll celebrate by actually going to a bar. I was planning on going tonight, but after being in classes all day, I just don't feel like it. I'll just go to the one near my campus, hang out, NOT drink, and see what happens. I'll probably end up watching other people act like morons.

I think, for once, I'm actually looking forward to this weekend. I guess that's a good sign, considering I've dreaded weekends for the past month now. I need to get back into my workout routine. I haven't worked out in a week, so perhaps that's why I've been having some angry thoughts off and on lately. I'm going to do sit-ups in a bit, and I'll head to the gym again this weekend.

Yeah... That's about all I have to say. This fluoxetine is making me feel tired right now, for some reason. I think it's that combined with the food I ate a moment ago. Seems like it makes me tired whenever I eat certain foods. -yawn-

 

[this_portrait]

I overslept today. Was supposed to get up at 9:45, but I ended up sleeping in until noon. I think the heat in my apartment made me want to sleep even more.

I have a therapy appointment at 4, so I'll have to get ready for that eventually. Been feeling rather melancholic off and on since yesterday evening. I'm trying to "think positive," but it can be hard sometimes, especially when you're naturally a pessimist, anyway. I also tend to feel down if I have certain kinds of dreams, and I had one of those last night. I wish I could control what I dream about. I don't have these upsetting dreams as often as I used to, but every once in a while, they'll come up. I wish they would stay away from my unconscious permanently.

I feel the need to get out tonight and do something. Either go to the gym or the bar. The gym would probably be more productive because I would be burning stress and calories. I seem to keep putting off going to the bar; maybe I'm secretly nervous about it, which makes sense. Bars can be crazy, and I certainly don't want to be approached by any guys there. You used to be able to meet potential boyfriends/girlfriends in bars, but it seems like all they are now is an easy way to get laid for the night. I won't drink if I do decide to go, but I'm still nervous that someone will try to slip a drug in whatever non-alcoholic beverage I choose to have. That would be dangerous in so many different ways.

But maybe I'm just paranoid because I've never willingly gone into a bar because I actually wanted to go in one. I went into bars on occasion when I was younger as an attempt to drag my father (who was an alcoholic at the time) out of them. My mother would ask me to go in there and make him come out, because he was more likely to get off the barstool and leave if I was yelling at him than if my mother was yelling at him. I sort of grew to hate bars and alcohol with a passion because of putting up with my father. I've become a bit more open-minded since then, but it's still hard for me to not associate bars with sleazy people and, as Van Gogh put it, "a place where one might ruin oneself." I didn't even want to taste one sip of alcohol because I was scared I would become an addict myself. I've proven that theory wrong, though. If I was going to become an addict, I would've become one long ago. Who knows, maybe I would've became one if I wouldn't have gone to therapy for the first time my freshman year of college, because then I wouldn't have been aware of my problems and might have turned to the wrong thing to help myself out with them.

Right now I'm trying to think of things I can talk to my therapist about today. I guess I can just bring up things like my issue with bars, approaching guys, how I feel like some people hold condescending attitudes towards me... Hopefully I can get through all of that in an hour. It might end up being another session where she just primarily listens to me and maybe offers a few tips here and there. At least someone is listening, though.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

It's hard being a natural pessimist, I know. But, there is a way to fight that nature of yours. Just shut yourself up whenever you start having negative thoughts. If you start to say bad things about yourself, then immediately stop that train of thought and try to put your focus on other things. It's going to take a while to learn because I'm still trying to learn how to do it, but I'm getting better at controlling those negative thoughts. Another thing you can do is to counteract every negative thought with a positive thought. I know there are more positive things about you than you think, so let's try to bring those into your line of sight, alright?

You can go to a bar if you want, but you've got to stay safe. Never accept a drink from anyone, always keep an eye on your own drink, and, if you have to go somewhere and leave your drink behind, then dump it out and ask for a new one when you get back. It also helps to have someone there with you to make sure that you're alright and get home safely.

Talk to her about all of those things. I remember when I went to therapy sessions and all I talked about was how much of a waste of space I was and how no girl would ever like me. If something's bothering you, don't be afraid to tell them because they're there to help you and they can't do their job if you aren't doing yours. You could even tell them about those dreams that you're having. Also, more people are listening than you think.

 

[this_portrait]

It's hard being a natural pessimist, I know. But, there is a way to fight that nature of yours. Just shut yourself up whenever you start having negative thoughts. If you start to say bad things about yourself, then immediately stop that train of thought and try to put your focus on other things. It's going to take a while to learn because I'm still trying to learn how to do it, but I'm getting better at controlling those negative thoughts. Another thing you can do is to counteract every negative thought with a positive thought. I know there are more positive things about you than you think, so let's try to bring those into your line of sight, alright?

I'm not necessarily having negative thoughts about myself per se. Things that anger me or make me sad just sorta creep into my mind. I'm trying hard to push them out, but it's difficult. Sometimes they can be so overwhelming, which is probably the best time to work out, because I not only do I burn off stress, but it's such a painless workout. I had one of those the other night when I was feeling particularly stressed and upset.

It also helps to have someone there with you to make sure that you're alright and get home safely.

Unfortunately, I don't have anyone who could go with me. That's probably another reason why I'm a little nervous about going. It's also the main reason why, if I do decide to go, I would rather go to the bar closest to my campus rather than one somewhere else, because it will be more familiar.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

A. Try to find out what the source is. Is there a certain situation that brings these thoughts to life or are they random? Go to your therapist about these things, okay? I can't do much since I don't really have much knowledge about this kind of stuff, but she would most definitely have an answer to this. It's hard, but, now, you've got to learn how to be hard-headed and to keep fighting when the surge becomes strong.

B. Is there anyone that you want to invite out with you or someone you feel you can trust? It also doesn't hurt to have protection, like spray, or self-defense. Does your gym have any self-defense classes?

 

[this_portrait]

A. Try to find out what the source is. Is there a certain situation that brings these thoughts to life or are they random? Go to your therapist about these things, okay? I can't do much since I don't really have much knowledge about this kind of stuff, but she would most definitely have an answer to this. It's hard, but, now, you've got to learn how to be hard-headed and to keep fighting when the surge becomes strong.

They're definitely random. Sometimes they're brought on by something else. They're not as frequent as they used to be, but they still pop up.

B. Is there anyone that you want to invite out with you or someone you feel you can trust? It also doesn't hurt to have protection, like spray, or self-defense. Does your gym have any self-defense classes?

I took Tae-Kwon-Do classes for around 7 years, then quit just before I went off to college. I also have some pepper spray that I can take with me. As for bringing someone along, I have no one. At all.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

Try to place yourself in a happier atmosphere then, okay? That's usually what does it for me. It doesn't completely stop it, but it does lower the chances significantly.

As for the bar thing, if you've got 7 years of Tae Kwon Do and pepper spray, then I don't think you have much to worry about. Most people just street fight, which can be easily defeated by an actual style of martial arts (I think). Just don't put yourself in a dark alley or in any sort of disadvantageous surroundings/situations. An extra style under your belt could help too. But, for some company, I want you to go around school and find someone to take with you. Someone that you feel that you can trust and can protect you if things get rough. Do you think that's possible for you?

 

[MikeyC]

But maybe I'm just paranoid because I've never willingly gone into a bar because I actually wanted to go in one. I went into bars on occasion when I was younger as an attempt to drag my father (who was an alcoholic at the time) out of them.

I can see why this would make you uneasy in bars and clubs. Recalling the alcohol abuse from your dad, then seeing heaps of people doing the same thing around you is not going to be the best place to go.

Never accept a drink from anyone, always keep an eye on your own drink, and, if you have to go somewhere and leave your drink behind, then dump it out and ask for a new one when you get back.

Rules -2, -1, and 0 for bar safety.

 

[this_portrait]

I feel so apathetic today. It's like nothing really matters to me. For the past two days, I've been sleeping in until around noon or 1 PM. I know I need to get up and brush my teeth, wash my face, straighten my hair, and get some food in my system. But, I don't even want to do that. All I want to do is lay in my bed and either daydream or reminisce.

Procrastination is starting to take its toll on me. I should've been working on homework this weekend, but I just didn't feel like it. Not a whole lot of motivation. And no, I'm not sitting around crying or anything. It's just complete apathy that I've been feeling lately. I just don't want to do much of anything. Sometimes I'll manage to re-read more of Prozac Nation, but that's about it. I just don't feel like doing much of anything else.

I need to get motivated. I need to get up, clean myself up, eat, do homework, take some photos for this student art contest that's coming up, and be productive. My stomach is starting to hurt, so perhaps that will be the thing that motivates me to get up. I can go from there.

The semester just needs to end already. Hell, the whole school year needs to end. Get me away from this campus and put me in a different living environment. I'm tired of being here. I'm tired of a lot of things.

 

[MikeyC]

It's just complete apathy that I've been feeling lately.

I can relate because I've been feeling the same way for quite a while. Total apathy about everything and how nothing matters anymore.

Portrait, all I can suggest is start the day with a shower. Take a shower and you'll feel a little more energised for the day, and that could be the catalyst you require to get things done. Eating regularly can do that, too. You're already exercising enough, so that's good.

I know how you feel, my friend. Once you're in the hole it takes a special effort to climb out of it. You've made some great progress already and I can only assure you that you're more than capable of getting out of this hiccup.

 

[this_portrait]

Portrait, all I can suggest is start the day with a shower. Take a shower and you'll feel a little more energised for the day, and that could be the catalyst you require to get things done. Eating regularly can do that, too. You're already exercising enough, so that's good.

I used to take morning showers, but ever since my junior year of college rolled around, I started taking night showers so I would get to sleep more. Both types of showers have their benefits, but at the moment, I'm taking night showers for the sake of sleep.

Over the summer, I was told that a good way to help with depression was to just have any kind of water on my face when I wake up. I wash my face every day, and I find that helps put me in more of a mood to get going, so I guess I'll stick with that.