The Shyest Girl In School

Aletheia

Well-known member
My first response to finding this board was: OMG, why didn't I think to look for it earlier? But I know why. It's taken me longer to accept my avoidant diagnosis than my bipolar one because I'm more ashamed of it, and that's saying something.

I've been depressed since primary school, but anxious for as long as I can remember. I've always felt defective and out of my depth. I've never known the right thing to say or the right thing to do. I'm hyper hyper sensitive to criticism and so afraid of making mistakes that I end up doing nothing at all.

The horrors of school did teach me to build a façade of competence, and by my twenties I had what looked from the outside to be a successful life. But I was suffering massive imposter syndrome, paralysed by indecision, suicidal and unable to eat or sleep for fretting. I couldn't hold it together, and eventually it all fell apart, rather dramatically. Try as I might, I've been unable to pick up the pieces, not least because I can't bear to go back there.

I'm not agoraphobic per se. Inane chit-chat with storekeepers I can manage. But I've cut myself off from deeper contact with the outside world because I find the inevitable question, “So what do you do?” so agonizing. Which leaves me terribly lonely.

I had been attending a bipolar support group, but it was filled with people with jobs and families, and in the end only made me feel worse. I told my doctors and therapists that what I really needed was a safe space for people like me and got blank stares all round. I know I'm a loser but am I really such a freak?

Forgive me if it's inappropriate to dump my life story on a bunch of strangers; it's all come pouring out (and I'm usually such a lurker). Please don't throw me out for having dual diagnoses. It really has been the anxiety that I've found most disabling.
 

WeirdyMcGee

Well-known member
Welcome to the forum, Aletheia!

I'm 23, girl - not shy but agoraphobic, panic/anxiety disorder, depression and a number of other things.

It's wonderful to meet you.
haha~ you can feel free to talk about whatever you feel you want to; no judgment.
 

Ms Cloud

Well-known member
You may be avoidant and bipolar, but you sure have good spelling and language skills. Are you a writer of some sort?
 
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DeadmanWalking

Well-known member
My first response to finding this board was: OMG, why didn't I think to look for it earlier? But I know why. It's taken me longer to accept my avoidant diagnosis than my bipolar one because I'm more ashamed of it, and that's saying something.

I've been depressed since primary school, but anxious for as long as I can remember. I've always felt defective and out of my depth. I've never known the right thing to say or the right thing to do. I'm hyper hyper sensitive to criticism and so afraid of making mistakes that I end up doing nothing at all.

The horrors of school did teach me to build a façade of competence, and by my twenties I had what looked from the outside to be a successful life. But I was suffering massive imposter syndrome, paralysed by indecision, suicidal and unable to eat or sleep for fretting. I couldn't hold it together, and eventually it all fell apart, rather dramatically. Try as I might, I've been unable to pick up the pieces, not least because I can't bear to go back there.

I'm not agoraphobic per se. Inane chit-chat with storekeepers I can manage. But I've cut myself off from deeper contact with the outside world because I find the inevitable question, “So what do you do?” so agonizing. Which leaves me terribly lonely.

I had been attending a bipolar support group, but it was filled with people with jobs and families, and in the end only made me feel worse. I told my doctors and therapists that what I really needed was a safe space for people like me and got blank stares all round. I know I'm a loser but am I really such a freak?

Forgive me if it's inappropriate to dump my life story on a bunch of strangers; it's all come pouring out (and I'm usually such a lurker). Please don't throw me out for having dual diagnoses. It really has been the anxiety that I've found most disabling.

Hey, we won't throw you out; instead, we'll welcome you with open arms:)! We're your friends that you can come to for anything and don't worry about ranting! You should see my posts! Nothing but me complaining about how girls don't/never will like me::eek::! I'm sorry about your depression, but I and everyone else are here to tell you that you are not a loser nor a freak; you are a wonderful person with some talents yet untapped. Welcome to SPW and whenever you need someone to talk with/rant to, I'm always available and willing to help:D!
 

Aletheia

Well-known member
Thanks everyone for being so welcoming. It took me a little while to summon up the courage to look at the replies, so it's such a relief. Though I relate so much to some of the things people have said here, it does make me feel like I've come to the right place.

you sure have good spelling and language skills.

That may just be down to a "be perfect" script, although I do admire lucidity.

Are you a writer of some sort?

I wish I was, I'd love a creative outlet. I suspect that I'm not observant enough to be any good at it.

... with some talents yet untapped.

Oh lordy, I find the "So what are you good at?" question almost as difficult as the "So what do you do?" one. I'm pretty much a talent-free zone. The only thing I've ever been any good at is academia and that, in the end, has done me no. bloody. good. at. all.

You should see my posts!

Yay! I look forward to reading everyone's rants.
 

DeadmanWalking

Well-known member
You do have talents; you just have to find them by trying different things. You like writing right? So do I:)! Maybe we can help each other and perfect each other's ideas! I'd like to collaborate with as many people as possible and hear as many opinions and advice as I can:D!
 

brainfog

Well-known member
as deadman's pointed out, we all have some talent that we haven't either tried or are too afraid to commence due to our various disorders. personally i think inside al of us there's a more social/outgoing person just bursting at the seams to get out, yet our mental thoughts dissuade us from becoming what we all are capable of, and i think we'd all be better individuals than most, considering we would know what it's like to be the odd one out/social outcast, and would sympathize with like minded individuals more....

and thats one of my rants, one of many to come, so any and all feel free to share, and welcome Aletheia! you'll find many friendly and understanding individuals on here, i personally got shivers when i first found this site, as how everyone on here had symptoms similar to mine down to the t, thought i was the ony one in the world, but glad it's not the case!

/rant again....
 

Aletheia

Well-known member
I find it so difficult to expose my soul to people, I tend to edit it out of existence. My mind gets in the way.

But I did attend a creative writing group for a while. We fed off one another's ideas, a sort of mental jam session. I miss it.
 

DeadmanWalking

Well-known member
I find it so difficult to expose my soul to people, I tend to edit it out of existence. My mind gets in the way.

But I did attend a creative writing group for a while. We fed off one another's ideas, a sort of mental jam session. I miss it.

Your soul and mind should be working in tandem, not fighting against each other. Try to settle the differences between the two. Don't ever let one get more power over the other.

We can have a creative writing group and you can relive those happy moments. I'm not going to laugh at your ideas, I promise. I just hope that you won't laugh at mine because I think that my stories are pretty laughable::eek::.
 
Hi, a cheer for you. welcome!

Another bipolar girl here. :) I was reading your post and I got totally impressed


You have a wonderful writing traint and you can definitely put things down on paper, you probably have a hard time by saying '' you are good at things '' but it is the start of believin'. Tell yourself '' I'm good !! '' you sure got a creative mind to write things down really wonderful and so truly and honest. I think you ARE a good writer, you could be very succesful at writing, you could help a lot of people out, in this world.... Who are exact like you.

I know this world is like a lonely dark place, if you don't know people who are just like you. SPW has a lot of people who are so similiar to avoidance like you and I. I can see you are dealing with severe anxiety, I'm so sorry to hear that.
You have to be proud though of being so academic, having a lot of ambition is powerful and makes you stronger. Having no job, well... So many people are just sitting as a cashier all day, don't you feel better just avoid this? I mean.. even non-SA people wouldn't mind staying at home rather than giving out groceries all day. Oh and you can always fight for a job in the future, give yourself space, time and relax. :D

Bipolar.... Mood's up and down, rollercoaster lifestyle. I'm so glad you can accept this part a little, for me this is so hard. I feel down and good, like a -red-green light-. I don't know where i'm going, it's always a suprise and it's getting me so tired of myself. I need a brake, if I'm happy I want to do anything I have in mind, and when I'm down I rather lock myself in a dark room and cry in silence....

Feeling so anxious can sure makes us feel pathetic, afraid and especially judged, know that we WON'T judge you. It's so sad that people nowadays are forced to be superior - social, I mean... you haven't asked for this - right?
Never judge yourself<3

Meeting people - what do you think about meeting some people? Meetup.com is a nice place, you might join an SA group. or phobias in general. I know people might still have a job or so, you can learn from them :)
I observe people a lot, i'm a cat in the ally.

You might be a High Sensetive Person? You seem very interesting ! :)

Hope you have a great time on here

Sassy.
 
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MikeyC

Well-known member
Hi Aletheia, and welcome to the forum. I don't really have any advice on how to beat what you have (I am a little tired, too), but you will definitely be welcomed here. :)
 

Aletheia

Well-known member
Your soul and mind should be working in tandem, not fighting against each other. Try to settle the differences between the two. Don't ever let one get more power over the other.

My mind becomes a barrier between me and the outside world, rather than a conduit to it. I honestly feel sometimes like I've got my nose pressed up against a window, looking out on something I can never be a part of.

We can have a creative writing group and you can relive those happy moments. I'm not going to laugh at your ideas, I promise. I just hope that you won't laugh at mine because I think that my stories are pretty laughable::eek::.

Maybe what we need is a safe space where it's okay if our ideas are laughable, so that they have the chance to grow into something wonderful.
 

Aletheia

Well-known member
Another bipolar girl here.

Yay!

Well not yay that you're bipolar, you have my sympathies. But it's lovely to meet someone who gets it. How long have you been diagnosed?

I know this world is like a lonely dark place, if you don't know people who are just like you.

It helps so much, finding other people who know what it's like.

You have to be proud though of being so academic, having a lot of ambition is powerful and makes you stronger.

Oh wow, no, I'm one of the least ambitious people I know, partly because I've never known what I wanted to be. I could do school work because the expectations were clearly spelled out, unlike the real world, worse luck.

bipolar.... Mood's up and down, rollercoaster lifestyle. I'm so glad you can accept this part a little, for me this is so hard.

Oh sorry, I didn't mean to suggest that I don't struggle with my bipolarity. It is a pain. Take writing. When I'm down (and I'm down a lot) I struggle to communicate in any medium (I Have No Voice and I Must Scream). The wellsprings of imagination run dry. I can only be creative when I'm up, and then I have to watch it because it can be overstimulating. Sigh.

Like you, I hate not having a brake. And I hate not being able to predict how I'm going to be doing, it makes it so difficult to schedule anything, it makes me unreliable. I hate the apathy of depression, it's so difficult to find the energy to do anything. I hate the exhaustion of mania, and I always say and do things that I'm so cringingly embarrassed about afterwards that it makes me not want to do anything at all.

It's just that avoidance is the reason my life has become so severely shut down, although bipolar stigma no doubt fuels the avoidance. How do you think your avoidance and bipolarity interact?

Meeting people - what do you think about meeting some people?

Even reading that makes me anxious.

I've had a flyer for a creative writing group sitting on my desk for the past three months and I've yet to bring myself to do anything about it.

I observe people a lot, i'm a cat in the ally.

I like that, "cat in the alley".

I used to think that the one advantage of being passive was that it gave me the space to observe others, but I'm not sure that I do much observing. I always spend so much time thinking about what other people are thinking about me that I have little time to think about them. Which is tragic in all sorts of ways.

You might be a High Sensetive Person?

I've never heard that term before, I'll have to go research it. But I'd guess a big Yes.
 

Aletheia

Well-known member
I don't really have any advice on how to beat what you have.
I'm not here for advice, so much. I've had so much therapy that it's unlikely you could offer me any that I haven't heard before. Theory and practice are two separate things, more's the pity. I'm mostly here for the company.

And thank you for the welcome!

Welcome, nice to meet you. :)

Thanks, Niteowl.
 

maybmental2

Active member
You have no reason to be sorry for as you call it dumping on us we all live here together and we all feel you, Your insanity is ours and mine. I sometimes just sit in front of the computer and start writing and what ever comes out so be it, But it's nice once in awhile to write random things and rants where others can see and respond.
 

Aletheia

Well-known member
I'm so glad you can accept this part a little, for me this is so hard.
Actually, I think I read this wrong.

I can (sometimes) view the bipolarity as something I am, whereas it's very difficult not to see the avoidance as something I do, and therefore my fault and a hideous character flaw rather than an illness.

Also, love your avatar, great hat! Is that you?
 

MikeyC

Well-known member
I'm not here for advice, so much. I've had so much therapy that it's unlikely you could offer me any that I haven't heard before. Theory and practice are two separate things, more's the pity. I'm mostly here for the company.

And thank you for the welcome!
Ah, I understand. Well, you have company here from me and everyone else. Welcome once more. :)
 
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