The Shyest Girl In School

[DeadmanWalking]

My mind becomes a barrier between me and the outside world, rather than a conduit to it. I honestly feel sometimes like I've got my nose pressed up against a window, looking out on something I can never be a part of.



Maybe what we need is a safe space where it's okay if our ideas are laughable, so that they have the chance to grow into something wonderful.

You can become a part of it, you just have to break that puny window before you. You can't avoid people if you wish to live in the outside world. Tell your mind that you want to interact with the outside world and it will let you do so; you control it, not the other way around. I know that you can do it.

You can talk to me through public or private messaging. I've been thinking about creating a chatroom where me and my friends can talk privately, so if you would like for me to create one, just let me know.

 

[Aletheia]

maybmental: wonderful name.

But it's nice once in awhile to write random things and rants where others can see and respond.

I both fear people and need them. Sometimes I wish I didn't, so I could contentedly be a hermit, but I do, I do need contact.

I wish I could write for myself. I've tried several times to keep a diary, but it always feels kinda pointless if nobody else is ever going to see it.

 

[Nothingness]

I am a hermit. Don't wanna be but I just can't make friends? My neighbors have parties all the time. You can imagine how that makes me feel? If it wasn't for the cat I'd go bonkers!::

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

Hello Aletheia! Welcome to the forum

I can relate to so much of what you have said, especially this:

But I've cut myself off from deeper contact with the outside world because I find the inevitable question, “So what do you do?” so agonizing. Which leaves me terribly lonely.

I hate being asked that!!!! It is a question people tend to ask right away too, so it kills my enthusiasm right from the start when meeting someone new or when catching up with old friends. It is no surprise I tend to avoid people these days...mainly to avoid that question and how stupid it makes me feel!

I honestly feel sometimes like I've got my nose pressed up against a window, looking out on something I can never be a part of.

I know what you mean. I get this feeling often too.

I am glad you joined the forum and look forward to reading your posts; you write so well!

 

[OceanMist]

All I remember about school is that it was hell. We had to go there for hours on end around a bunch of peers that I was shy around and didn't know what to say, or was too afraid to say anything.

Everywhere I went, people wouldn't shut up about how shy they thought I was. They acted like I was the shyest person in the world, not just the school. It was just annoying how they kept bringing it up when they talked about me or to me. I hate how it became a label......me=shyest person in the room. That label still sticks with me at the workplace, as I still fail to establish strong enough personal relationships.

 

[Aletheia]

My neighbors have parties all the time. You can imagine how that makes me feel?

Oh, I know I know. New Year is the worst, I feel like the biggest outcast loser. Stupid thing is I don't even like parties all that much.

If it wasn't for the cat I'd go bonkers!

I miss my cat.

 

[Aletheia]

It is a question people tend to ask right away too, so it kills my enthusiasm right from the start when meeting someone new or when catching up with old friends.

It's usually the very first question they ask. I have to make this snap decision whether to risk letting a complete stranger know what a mess I am, or lie (which I hate). Stress!

And yeah, old friends. I've never made many friends, and most of those I had I've let drift away. The very few I have left don't really know what to say to me now. Awkward.

It's hard to know how much of the stigma is out there and how much is in my head, but regardless, it makes me want to curl up in a little ball.

 

[Aletheia]

Everywhere I went, people wouldn't shut up about how shy they thought I was... I hate how it became a label....

My nickname in primary school was "mouse". I certainly didn't choose it.

Society really doesn't accept shy as an okay thing to be. Extroverts are in the majority and tend to see introverts as comment worthy exceptions.

 

[Nl54]

You know what? People are just people, and we all possess a different psyche. We all live in the same reality, yet percieve it in our individual ways. The human mind is indeed a strange place to be....

 

[-lonestar-]

welcome, you seem like a smart girl. I'm sure people would love to be friends with you, we can be your friends. It's a difficult world when you are lonely, specially when you didn't choose such a life spent in seclusion. We aren't prisoners however, we gotta take the opportunity to apreciate what we do have, we are human, it's ok to be different, it's ok to cry and share your thoughts. Most of all it's ok to know your are not alone. We welcome you always, because we are much the same

 

[Falkor]

Actually, I think I read this wrong.

I can (sometimes) view the bipolarity as something I am, whereas it's very difficult not to see the avoidance as something I do, and therefore my fault and a hideous character flaw rather than an illness.

Also, love your avatar, great hat! Is that you?

Interesting, I'm glad you can see something which is you. I really think it's a part of me already too. I mean, there is no cure for Bipolar right? Only to make other things like anxiety go less will help a lot.. and to kick out the depression cycle.
If we work on a good future we will definitely not have mood swings so much.

Thank you! Yup, that's me. Acting very crazy. Dressed up with a strange hat and a wig and glasses, want to prepare myself for a weird youtube show. Don't know what to talk about though... Will think about stuff.

 

[Falkor]

Well not yay that you're bipolar, you have my sympathies. But it's lovely to meet someone who gets it. How long have you been diagnosed?
I have been diagnosed since Summer 2010. I was in a mental hospital, yea sounds really big and scary but it's just an organisation who helps all people with a kind of disorder or dissability even people without confidence.. Just everything all together in one space. It's really hard, but it did me good.

It helps so much, finding other people who know what it's like.
Yes, that is a true help isn't it. We could talk more often, just keep in touch if you like that idea. I mean we're a lot a like. I bet there would be more Bipolaries here, I know SPV has it too.. He's a great guy, believe me.

Oh wow, no, I'm one of the least ambitious people I know, partly because I've never known what I wanted to be. I could do school work because the expectations were clearly spelled out, unlike the real world, worse luck.
Oh it's okay, I'm proud of you for working everything out, have you graduated? I still have a long way to go.... Because of hiding too much, Yeah... But I'm glad some people can still survive it! And I would say it's not worse luck, I would say it's perfect luck, but you yet need to discover what you wanna do with it, the first step is in the pocket. Wonderful.

. I can only be creative when I'm up, and then I have to watch it because it can be overstimulating. Sigh.
Yea I guess that's the brake handle thing, again right? Yep. When I feel creative I can be so overly positive that I get tired of my own hapiness. Still it is like getting so happy like the best feeling, suddenly it breaks you down into another down hill. Hopefully we can keep those happy feelings up for a longer period of time.... In the past I used to be down like 4 hours a day, that was miserable. Now I have it like 1 hour / 30 min.. So that's a huge improvement.

Like you, I hate not having a brake. And I hate not being able to predict how I'm going to be doing, it makes it so difficult to schedule anything, it makes me unreliable. I hate the apathy of depression, it's so difficult to find the energy to do anything. I hate the exhaustion of mania, and I always say and do things that I'm so cringingly embarrassed about afterwards that it makes me not want to do anything at all.
Yea we really have to kick this out, if we ever manage this, our life would be so better and we can handle things better and rescue ourselves out of this it's like a knight fighting to a dragon... But once the dragon is poisoned by too much positive light of the wizard spell... He will burn away. (In fact he's a vampire demon inside, called Sozialé Anxios..)

It's just that avoidance is the reason my life has become so severely shut down, although bipolar stigma no doubt fuels the avoidance. How do you think your avoidance and bipolarity interact?
Good question... Have to think about this..
Well, I know if I'm having a bad day I would have a real urge to avoid every little thing, lol. Still I know later on the day It can change so I just tell this to myself....^^

I've never heard that term before, I'll have to go research it. But I'd guess a big Yes.
^^

Answers below your sentences.

 

[Joh]

Hi, Newbie
First of all Welcome to SP...

 

[Aletheia]

DeadmanWalking: interesting choice of name, and one I can relate to, I think.

I suffer from depression, but I think I developed the depression as a way of coping with anxiety. As a child, I found the anxiety so unbearable that I tried to dial everything down so I wouldn't feel it so acutely. Problem is, that left me the walking dead, numb to everything.

Why did you choose it?

You can talk to me through public or private messaging. I've been thinking about creating a chatroom where me and my friends can talk privately, so if you would like for me to create one, just let me know.

I find chat hard work. Because it's immediate, I have to think on the spot, and feel like I'm caught in the headlights, I freeze up.

But it's good practice, if you can cope with me being awkward, and I'm more or less fine with PMs.

 

[Aletheia]

First of all Welcome to SP...

Hi, Joh, I keep waiting to see what comes after that, but thanks very much for the welcome.