rejected before a relationship even starts

[Minty]

Yeah fear sucks ::

I find it hard to see women as "people" though, I'm working on that though - I do realize that they're just people but my subconscious still sees them as more - something extremely precious, too good for me

That's really interesting. May I ask if you have any sisters? Were you around women often growing up?

Just curious

 

[Sial Axetder]

That's really interesting. May I ask if you have any sisters? Were you around women often growing up?

Just curious

Now I am curious where this going. Do speak your thoughts.

 

[A friend]

You know what Liam, I sympathize with you. People do need other people for emotional support.

I have a question though: how did you ask those girls out? Did you do it in an off-handed casual way? Or did you put specific effort into the each of the particular girls?

If you asked every girl you know that means you asked girls who were friends with each other. Never a good idea, girls talk and know who is the left over

We also know when guys are grazing... meaning, asking out many girls to see which one agrees.

Girls don't like being an option. We can tell when you want "Us" vs. wanting "Any Old Girlfriend". If you seem the slightest bit desperate/depressed, it will look like you want "Any Old Girlfriend", not them in particular. Which makes them feel bad and not special, again.

I'm sorry it's so complicated. But that's how some guys feel too.

Not to start a controversial arguement, but rejection is much more lethal to certain individuals than most people realize.

I can't really speak for Liam17 or anyone else, but each time I got rejected (and every time I'm reminded of it), I felt like I was killed (without actually dying) and sentenced to hell. I was depressed for a few months, and that's how it went for a long time until I gave up.

And unfortunately, that's pretty much the only way I could get rid of the depression, and the obession as well.

I don't know how it is with Liam17, but it's probably best for him to quit the whole 'dating' concept. Rejection is hell, and sometimes it can screw some people up so badly that it would be like they were soldiers in a horribly violent war.

 

[Minty]

Now I am curious where this going. Do speak your thoughts.

Well, we have a tendency to idealize that which we have no first-hand experience with.

For example, I really love Japan. I want to visit it some day. I know it's not a perfect place but I also get excited when I think of the rich culture, the beautiful landscapes and the life style. I idealize it. The grass is always greener on the other side...type of thing.

 

[EasySkanking]

That's really interesting. May I ask if you have any sisters? Were you around women often growing up?

Just curious

Yeah that's the thing, I didnt have any females in my life except for my mother. It would've been easier for me If I had a sister or even a daughter of a friend of my mother or something... Actually i did have that growing up, but my mother got re-married (in the midst of my SA) and we moved in the middle of nowhere (which really screwed me up). Bah! Its the past...

 

[EasySkanking]

Well, we have a tendency to idealize that which we have no first-hand experience with.

For example, I really love Japan. I want to visit it some day. I know it's not a perfect place but I also get excited when I think of the rich culture, the beautiful landscapes and the life style. I idealize it. The grass is always greener on the other side...type of thing.

Think you got a good point there. And I think that is the problem with me. Thank you!!! You have just handed me a gold coin <3

 

[Sial Axetder]

Well, we have a tendency to idealize that which we have no first-hand experience with.

For example, I really love Japan. I want to visit it some day. I know it's not a perfect place but I also get excited when I think of the rich culture, the beautiful landscapes and the life style. I idealize it. The grass is always greener on the other side...type of thing.

Ah, interesting. Not many. May explain.

 

[kihira]

Not to start a controversial arguement, but rejection is much more lethal to certain individuals than most people realize.

It all depends on the attitude that you bring along. If you are preloaded with expectations and these are not met, then pain will occur. The deeper the expectations, the harder the pain. Attitudes can be changed. It would be a pity for a young person to give up simply because they entered a relationship with precarious expectations.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

It all depends on the attitude that you bring along. If you are preloaded with expectations and these are not met, then pain will occur. The deeper the expectations, the harder the pain. Attitudes can be changed. It would be a pity for a young person to give up simply because they entered a relationship with precarious expectations.

Excellent point.

 

[A friend]

It all depends on the attitude that you bring along. If you are preloaded with expectations and these are not met, then pain will occur. The deeper the expectations, the harder the pain. Attitudes can be changed. It would be a pity for a young person to give up simply because they entered a relationship with precarious expectations.

People who get rejected hundreds of times give up because they didn't get to enter a relationship of any kind in the first place. That's what I meant.

 

[kihira]

Well, we have a tendency to idealize that which we have no first-hand experience with.

For example, I really love Japan. I want to visit it some day. I know it's not a perfect place but I also get excited when I think of the rich culture, the beautiful landscapes and the life style. I idealize it. The grass is always greener on the other side...type of thing.

Me too!...................

 

[EasySkanking]

^This is a friggen good thread tbh. Lot's of good information for guys with SA , who have a hard time with the ladies!

 

[Minty]

Think you got a good point there. And I think that is the problem with me. Thank you!!! You have just handed me a gold coin <3

Glad I could help

And I agree, this thread is really interesting. I'm starting to understand why it's so hard for guys.



phocas- Hope you get to go soon! It's the first thing I'm going to save up for when I get a job. <3

 

[kihira]

People who get rejected hundreds of times give up because they didn't get to enter a relationship of any kind in the first place. That's what I meant.

Thanks, I see what you mean. My thinking is that when you ask someone out, you have entered a relationship. You are not in it, but your foot is tentatively in the door. Best to have shoes on to avoid the pain is my point.

 

[A friend]

No problem. I'm NO stranger to rejection by the way. I've been rejected my whole life (in many different kinds of situations) till the point came that, I felt so low I couldn't feel any lower. Was in a daze for a bit but started up again with the thought that:

"the worst has ALREADY happened so I guess I have nothing left to fear. Now the next worse thing is what? Death? I can live with that. "

Pun intended.

Horrible thing to go through, but it slowly begins a training process (to strengthen someone mentally/emotionally) that's overlooked and unnoticed.

Now that I've expired my nine lives of "rejection death" I feel much better. I'm living a calmer life with less fear of rejection.

What can I say? It's therapeutic in a sad way. Maybe not for Liam though, everyone is different. This only pertains to my life but I hope it helps someone else.

I went from fearing rejecting to despising it entirely. That wasn't any better though...

I'm just being real.

That's what most people who say "There's someone for everyone" fail to do most of the time (that's probably how it went their entire lives).

Unfortunate...

 

[blackgatescross]

I have never asked a girl out for fear of rejection. I used to think that if I had a girlfriend, then everything would be ok. This was back when my depression was really bad.

Fear of rejection is a big thing for me which is why I didn't ask any out, because I didn't feel good about myself. Because I am now 28 years old and have left it so long, that I would not know about how to go about it.

Because I don't feel as bad as I used to, not having a girlfriend or ever being on a date doesn't really bother me that much. I have a few platonic friends at work who are girls.

I worry more about what other people think, like 'that guy doesn't have a girlfriend or go out regularly, there must be something wrong with him'. I also get the third degree from my 80-year grandmother also. 'Any girls', she asks in this patronizing, know-it-all sort of way. I have very close to ripping her head off. She has this warped, Bobby Brady image of me, which is crap.

I hate to say this and I know it is hard, but unfornately if you don't feel good about yourself, you can't expect anyone else to. I realise that now, I didn't know that five years ago.

 

[Kiwong]

Because that's the only way to start a relationship unless you meet a friend of a friend. Think about how difficult it is to walk up to someone you don't know if you have social anxiety. That would take all the pressure off me if I knew that women would just walk up to me and start a conversation. Many guys with SAD don't have the guts to start a conversation with a woman, and with 80-90% of relationships beginning with men making the first move, where does that leave the guys don't have the courage to do make that first move? Most people agree that being approached is much easier than doing the approaching. If they didn't, there wouldn't be such a thing as fear. The more people that approach you takes the pressure off you to approach as often, which makes it easier to meet more people, which gives you more options, which makes dating easier. It gives you more choice.

I think you need to start a relationship with the world first, and people in general and be open to all possibilities. My issue is learning to relate to people without fear on a very basic level. All relationships have an element of risk even platonic ones. Just forming friendships is hard for me. I reach out in words on my blog, and on forums like this. I think I have grown by seeing the perpectives of others on here.

What I am trying to do is pursue my passions with other like-minded people, and to learn to be more trusting of people even on a platonic level. My goal is not to be loved or liked, but just to be able to fit in. Romantic relationships I think are beyond me, at my level of trust with people.

From my own experience, as a male and a sufferer of social anxiety, I am fearful when anyone approaches me. If a woman approached me I would be scared ****less, and feel like running away. When people approach me that is where my anxiety kicks in. I can't talk to people without fear. If people were constantly approaching me I wouldn't know how to handle it.

I've been rejected, in the past and it has hurt like hell, but I am not angry about it, or the people who rejected me, although I still lack trust with people. I think this hurt was the catalyst for be able to learn to live more. If It wasn't for this nightmare I've been through, I wouldn't have been forced to reach out to people and recieve the support I have and to live some of my brilliant days.

 

[MsBuzzkillington]

i agree. I recon if i had a girlfriend i'd be much happier about life. Having someone to talk to, get close to etc.

i'd also be more confident.

for the simple reason that people aren't going to be around forever. People will leave, people will come and people will go. Sometimes you are going to be with someone and they are going to hang out with other people of the opposite sex. They are going to go out and do things too.

If you aren't completely 100% happy with being yourself, and being alone... you are going to NEED that person to validate you. So what happens when they are gone? you are sad. What happens with they are out with their friends? are you worried about what they are doing? if they are hitting on someone? or are you worried the yare going to cheat?

You are going to be clingy. You are going to need compliments to feel good about yourself. And you aren't going to have a healthy relationship. You are going to be completely dependent on the other person. Then what happens when you break up?

 

[AGR]

for the simple reason that people aren't going to be around forever. People will leave, people will come and people will go. Sometimes you are going to be with someone and they are going to hang out with other people of the opposite sex. They are going to go out and do things too.

If you aren't completely 100% happy with being yourself, and being alone... you are going to NEED that person to validate you. So what happens when they are gone? you are sad. What happens with they are out with their friends? are you worried about what they are doing? if they are hitting on someone? or are you worried the yare going to cheat?

You are going to be clingy. You are going to need compliments to feel good about yourself. And you aren't going to have a healthy relationship. You are going to be completely dependent on the other person. Then what happens when you break up?

but this applies to everything,your friends,family, hobby,money,sex,sports,looks,job,they wont be there all the time,I doubt people are happy on their own without doing anything or having anything,they just like to think they are,there is always something that makes us happy,I like to dream,I hope one day to find a girl who is compatible with me,this would make me happy and no one can change that.

 

[Falkor]

the media is a major reason that people do not accept who you are for how you look like and what you do in life, because you're not like what people expect of you. On TV you see all those screaming Paris Hilton's, muscular Brad Pitt, and Look at america's next top model, is that really true? those girls are photoshopped and they wear a lot of makeup. is required to make the world like that way? everyone goes along with that ****, but a style is cool and all, now there is an advantage to be handsome, but can't people just have an own style? and not be compared to that media lifestyle?

Yet I must say that I think some girls are attractive and some not, but I'm not into the Barbie dolls and not the prickly Mohawks lol. Just in between. not excessive. And all the population when it comes to all those media ****, i think people should open their eyes, because comparing yourself to all that, will make you feel only much worse, because it's all too perfect.

and the fact that I have a social phobia, has hurt me a lot in relationships,many girls
(yes you read correctly, I'm attracted To girls) after a time they said, 'you're a problem' that made me break.
But do we really need to have a social life with parties,a lot of friends, and social skilled? Ok.. being social skilled is a great way to communicate, but still people could approach you, just because you seem a nice person. You aren't less such a nice person, if you have trouble with socializing, i think people should take care of that. but sadly, people look down on us, Why?

and if people would have been understanding about the fact that we've got social anxiety, they would have been respectful and try to fight together.
I wish the media could add some social anxiety lifestyle or other disorder's, so people could realise what we go through. or bullying campagne's on tv, like showing what really causes being victim of bullying. this would be a great campagne!

But as a gay woman, i cannot understand why girls aren't into shy guys, what's wrong with that? those guys just do their best to give you extra for their win and they are just as nice as those macho boys, maybe even nicer;-)
because they are shy, they do nothing less right? because they are shy, they are still worth anything!
Okay they might not be able to start a ''perfect'' conversation but I think they are more sensitive than those macho boys for every girl can win.
If I was straight, I would have been dating a shy boy, Probably a guy with SA.