Really really uncomfortable around people... :(

[just_a_person]

I'm extremely frustrated with myself to the point of crying; I can never feel myself or "natural" around people. It's probably because of all the social pressure I feel when I'm talking to others. When I'm around people I know I should probably talk to, I tense up and get really scared of the impending judgment. By judgment, I mean first and second impressions whether good or bad, since even good impressions put pressure on me to stay socially attractive. I end up saying the stupidest crap just to say something, which can be really embarrassing and which makes it hard to make and keep friends. Since I'm a pretty sensitive person, this hurts me a lot emotionally. My perpetual stiffness even shows when I'm driving, since I don't think straight and speed home when I feel the pressure of other vehicles. I wish so much that I didn't get awkwardly stiff all the time, and I hate myself so much when I fail by doing so, since I feel like I can't control it. Any ideas for not being so stiff and for not crumbling under social pressure?

 

[Froggy246]

Yes tips most welcome on this old chestnut! I'm not even comfortable around my own parents. It's quite mentally draining always feeling aware of yourself and feeling like you need to perform the role of an acceptable person all of the time, even when sitting down and not doing anything, I am thinking about how I am sitting and my facial expressions. I realise that the judgment is ultimately coming from me but I still feel it is very important to get a good verdict. I'm only at ease completely with myself, which is probably why I stay in a lot. It gets confusing too and quite detestable, because the person I am with others is totally different to the person I am alone and in my own head space, and of course my perception of myself varies from person to person as well. Who I am???
I know that things like EFT and mindfulness would help if done regularly, perhaps CBT although I've not tried that, but I have also been cursed with severe laziness so I'm in a tight fix.
Hope you have more success though!

 

[ffeev223234]

do you have friends

 

[just_a_person]

do you have friends

Yes I do, it's just really hard to make new ones and to keep my friendships for very long.

 

[ffeev223234]

you do not realize people have a much harder life than you trust me on that

 

[ffeev223234]

just think of people with autism yikes!

 

[Kiwong]

I know how you feel just a person, when I am around people I despair.

 

[sahxox]

you do not realize people have a much harder life than you trust me on that

I don't think it's fair to downplay op's obvious pain and frustration like that.

I understand what you're going through and face it almost on a daily basis. Come home with aching back and shoulders from this pressure I put on myself, in this World of fear, distanced from reality :S We have to leave this zone somehow... it can be done, but SP is so strong and I think it thrives because it lives on draining hope of ever eradicating it. I don't know what else to write, still working on it myself. Just that I used to spend EVERYDAY like that, now if I rationalise the negative thoughts, I won't feel as hurt/miserable.

 

[Richey]

I am really placid and thoughtful which means at parties or around confident groups I come across as slow and withdrawn. But I think i'm really nice when i'm comfortable. I am just rarely comfortable around super confident people who love the sounds of their voice.

I am also really quiet around smug, egotistical people. Particularly the Gen X & baby boomer aged people who seem to be really smug, not everyone, but a lot of them are very, very arrogant and alpha. I just don't get it. It doesn't register with me.

There always seems to be people who are controlling and narcissistic combined. Which I find really difficult.

Politics and gossipy banter at work? Really hard to deal with, I just don't get it.

I like mild mannered, relaxed, thoughtful, a little humour and sarcasm, but really light on.

I definitely have a sensitivity issue around confident personas. But I come across as slow as well to react because I am too placid.

People who talk loudly and yell-talk. Super intense. I don't get it.

I'm fairly certain that I am going to struggle in life because of this. Just being myself doesn't work, even though i'm nice. It's just not enough.

 

[Richey]

One of the annoying things is when you're around a group and they start talking about some random subject and everyone seems to know what's going on and are adding humour and all this information about it, and i'm thinking "how do they know all this stuff"?, it's many subjects, not just one. Everyone, the girls, the guys. I start thinking there must be some secret meeting these people have where they are fed the same news and info and I wasn't invited to or something. I Fkn hate that. Sorry for the language, but I read and try to educate myself but even still everyone seems to be on this other wavelength. It makes you want to get up and leave after a while. Even though you stay interested, and you are learning new things.

 

[noaalessi]

Hi guys,
Have you ever tried to accept yourselves, and accept the pressure instead of resisting it. You don't have to participate in every conversation, nor in every joke, you can just sit and listen, and try to enjoy the moment instead of feeling forced to participate in it. Participation then comes naturally...

It's normal for people who socialize a lot to have certain types of conversations that you don't understand, but believe me, after you socialize with them for a while, you too will begin to understand those awkward moments.

My point is, you shouldn't feel forced to participate in conversations which you don't understand, and that's probably why you end up feeling the pressure, feeling left out and speaking cr*p (sorry). I've been there, and I know what it's like.
Just relax, observe and listen. Enjoy the group, listen to the laughter and feel priviledged to be there. You'll naturally begin to fit in, understand, and participate Take it easy on yourself.

Good luck!

 

[NightTimeForever]

I can relate to feeling social pressure. It seems the more one tries to change, the more they deepen/worsen their pattern. I know because I've experienced the long spiral down. Paradoxical therapy seems interesting, and according to that the more you let things occur "naturally" the more you might change. Slow, subtle changes are probably the best. The real obstacle is destroying hyper-vigilance, and that part just makes my head hurt.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

I think people have impacted guilt on me if I don't interact in socializing. I really don't understand why being shy is all that bad of a deal. The person isn't harming you, not hurling insults, or anything to you at that matter and yet most people find that that cannot be enough. I'm really not going to change for other's social sakes. They did enough damage to me already, so why should they give me a reason to befriend them. Their ****s.

 

[SmileMore]

I don't really have any advice because i have exactly the same issues. I feel extremely uncomfortable around loud/obnoxious people. Especially the ones who either now you're uncomfortable but seem to target you anyway and try and get you to speak or they're so clueless that they don't even notice that you're uncomfortable.

 

[Quietguy11]

I'm extremely frustrated with myself to the point of crying; I can never feel myself or "natural" around people. It's probably because of all the social pressure I feel when I'm talking to others. When I'm around people I know I should probably talk to, I tense up and get really scared of the impending judgment. By judgment, I mean first and second impressions whether good or bad, since even good impressions put pressure on me to stay socially attractive. I end up saying the stupidest crap just to say something, which can be really embarrassing and which makes it hard to make and keep friends. Since I'm a pretty sensitive person, this hurts me a lot emotionally. My perpetual stiffness even shows when I'm driving, since I don't think straight and speed home when I feel the pressure of other vehicles. I wish so much that I didn't get awkwardly stiff all the time, and I hate myself so much when I fail by doing so, since I feel like I can't control it. Any ideas for not being so stiff and for not crumbling under social pressure?

I get the same way, and although medication has helped me to an extent, I can't say it solved the problem completely. (But that's not to discourage that approach.) I have this thing where I fear what people are going to think of me based on impression as well. Not that I care too much what other people think, but it is important to me that I do come across as a nice guy, because I consider myself as such.

I feel like I can't have a normal conversation with anyone, I'm either feeling too nervous to speak properly or I'm just don't have anything interesting to talk about half the time. I use to consider myself a very uninteresting, boring person, but that was before I got good at drawing. (Not that I'm THAT GOOD, but I'm decent). Drawing relaxes me, and I just feel like I'm doing what I should be doing when I have a pencil in my hand. Maybe you need to find your thing? Something that you are naturally gifted at, and that you could win peoples attention through.

I honestly wonder where people like you are in the world? I know I suffer with these conditions and symptoms, but I don't know one person irl that has these social problems. I would love to meet someone like myself so that I could have a friend that I could relate with. The problem is, most people with social anxiety are experts at hiding their symptoms physically, and unless they talk about them to other people, no one would ever know they were suffering, including myself.

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

I'm the same way. The only thing that helps me is to take walks alone and take as much time alone as possible or I just can't function at all. I just took a 30 min walk and it's like 1 am here lol.

 

[Jessquietgirl]

I think people have impacted guilt on me if I don't interact in socializing. I really don't understand why being shy is all that bad of a deal. The person isn't harming you, not hurling insults, or anything to you at that matter and yet most people find that that cannot be enough. I'm really not going to change for other's social sakes. They did enough damage to me already, so why should they give me a reason to befriend them. Their ****s.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xeo_Ypmba70