Post your random thoughts/feelings etc

Phoenixx

Well-known member
I know too many people that have died way too young in the last year. :( It breaks my heart. I've been to several funerals in my life, and not once have I ever cried at one or felt so heavy with grief. (I'm just not that kind of person; doesn't mean it's not sad, I just don't like crying in front of other people) But most of those deaths were of family members I didn't really know or had good relationships with.

It hits different when you're older, and you actually personally know, or knew once upon a time, the people that have passed. One girl used to be a friend of mine growing up, we'd spend the night at each other's houses, spent time in classes together, even carpooled together. She had a horrible spiral with addiction long after we parted ways and she died from overdose. Another was a friend of mine the last year of high school, we worked on several school projects together and he eventually developed feelings for me I didn't reciprocate. He committed suicide shortly after coming out as trans last year. Another was a brother of a former friend that I didn't know that well, but had a couple brief conversations with. Another life stolen from addiction. And now, a woman who was an acquaintance and a motherly figure towards everyone she met, including myself. Always giving, never asking for anything in return. And now she never even got to retire like she wanted to, life completely stolen from a stupid pandemic.

I'm grieving today. It sucks. The world sucks. But it keeps moving, and it's just another reason to be thankful for all the little things in life because life is way too short.
 

FountainandFairfax

in a VAN down by the RIVER
The other day I was speaking to my mother on the phone and overheard my brother having some sort of aggravating piss-fit over something (which I still don't know what the heck it was about; knowing him, if he's in a bad mood he'll just go off about anything) and then proceeded to start an argument with my mother. It was absolutely ridiculous and makes me wish they both would just go get help. I get so tired, and angry, listening to them bitch about their lives and each other.

The men in my immediate family have become so god damn ignorant. My father is still non-existent, always using work as his excuse to ignore what's going on in his actual life -- something he's been doing for the last 15+ years. To the point where a lot of situations regarding my mother (like certain appointments or even surgeries) have been falling to me and her other family members to care for. Meanwhile he insists on controlling ALL of the finances of the household though.

My brother on the other hand is a literal narcissist and a complete asshole who needs help. I find it baffling how I'm even related to him as we are much different people. I never talk to him and when I do it's very brief. He has been back living with my parents for over a year now and not once has managed to help himself or anyone in the house. He has anger issues now and is constantly causing arguments. It makes me angry what kind of person he's turned into and it makes me angry that my parents are mostly to blame. My father quit being a parent when we were teens. My mother raised us both differently and I don't even know why. I got the brunt of a lot of verbal abuse and discipline. It's partly why I have confidence issues, anxiety, and perfectionist tendencies. My brother never got punished much. Always threatened, but never anything followed through. And now, even as an adult, my mother will just argue with him. She'll still buy his groceries and cigarettes.

Meanwhile as this goes on, my mother constantly complains to me every so often. Says she wants to move out, but has no income. Can't work due to her disability. I know there are programs that can help with that (and while American healthcare and disability-care isn't fantastic, it's at least something to pick you up), but she won't bother to look or help herself. Hell, she hasn't even bothered to go back to her doctor to even ask or referred elsewhere to get financial help! She always uses the excuse, "I don't know how to do that." or "It's all on the computer, I don't know how to do any of those things." She also refuses to divorce my father. I have never met a married couple who have acted completely separated for nearly 20 years, but still live together in the same house as roommates. It's weird. It's awkward. Holidays feel like a fake front of happiness when really everyone's miserable. And when they go somewhere together it's also slightly weird because you feel the bond isn't there.

My mother's constant coddling has partly put herself in this position and it makes me mad. If anyone can stand to be a little selfish it's her, because if she were she wouldn't be letting these men walk all over her like they do. Yeah I'm slightly victim blaming, but jesus. It all just makes me so mad, and I'm still trying to stay far away from it as possible. I'm waiting for the day where something major happens. One of my parents dies, my brother getting into serious trouble, something horrible. And I'm going to be the only one they're going to try to use as a crutch to work them out of a stupid mess because at this point I'm the only one level-headed enough and actually has their life together.

Sorry for dumping this here. It's been on my mind all week.
Your family is so much like mine it's stupid.
 

FountainandFairfax

in a VAN down by the RIVER
Hey guys, I've been away for a while but I'm back. (You can all run for the hills now lol) Hope everyone's been good 👌

:LOL:

Welcome back.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Despite hearing cruddy news over the weekend, I still had a good 3 days off. I got a lot of much needed gardening done, caught up on all the errands I needed to do, had two movie nights here since I felt bad about last weekend, and had a good evening yesterday spent with my brother in law's family. 🙂 We haven't seen them much since Christmas and our nephew wanted to come visit, so they all came by and had dinner and we played some Mario Party until it was pretty much time to go to bed. Nephew was pretty content playing with all my old toys, watching Netflix, and tiring the dog out the whole time. Despite my dog's reactivity towards other people, she is absolutely wonderful with kids and loves to play with them. 😊
 
I've spent the last few years going out and attacking life a little bit, putting in the work to better myself and my situation, rather than just sitting by like a spectator as I used to do. I've learned a lot, I've grown up a lot, and I felt for a while like I "made it". I was genuinely excited to see what each new day would bring.

Now I feel like I'm back where I started, and I don't even know what happened. I don't get any human contact most days, which doesn't help me with getting over my ex, my job turned crappy for reasons outside my control, and I don't see any real hope on the horizon anymore. Nothing to look forward to.

But like I say, good times always come back eventually.
 

SoScared

Well-known member
^wouldn't necessarily say that the good times come back quickly but the work that you have put in soon facilitates a getting along OK type of happiness.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Holy allergies. 🤧 Decided to go for a walk yesterday to enjoy the beautiful weather while I still could in between catching up on sleep yesterday. I enjoyed my walk but since then my throat has been so sore and scratchy and my nose won't stop running. Even though I took my allergy medicine. Ugh... this is why I stay inside a lot. 😂 I like the outdoors but the outdoors don't like me.
 

vj288

not actually Fiona Apple
I've spent the last few years going out and attacking life a little bit, putting in the work to better myself and my situation, rather than just sitting by like a spectator as I used to do. I've learned a lot, I've grown up a lot, and I felt for a while like I "made it". I was genuinely excited to see what each new day would bring.

Now I feel like I'm back where I started, and I don't even know what happened. I don't get any human contact most days, which doesn't help me with getting over my ex, my job turned crappy for reasons outside my control, and I don't see any real hope on the horizon anymore. Nothing to look forward to.

But like I say, good times always come back eventually.

I know I'll sometimes get the mentality of striving toward a goal and the idea that once I get there it's like I have a thing, like an item or an amount of money or something, and I'd have to do something to actively lose it, like spend the money or break the item. But I find, and find this to be the case more and more in life, that a lot of things are more about consistent maintenance than working for something and then not having to work anymore. Especially with mental health type things. It's more like my physical health, like if I go on a diet I might lose weight and look great, but if I stop the diet and go back to my old foods I'll revert back.

I think one good thing about having success with something in the past is knowing it works and being able to go back to it. You know by attacking life and putting yourself out there it made a difference, and so you have the tools and experience to get back that point. Finding a way to maintain it would be the new obstacle next time round though.
 

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
so I just random and all lax about it not really knowing anything about it downloaded and app called Reface. I cannot believe my eyes! Anyone tried this here?! 😮
 

F0AM

Well-known member
This forum title "The most friendly social anxiety forum" suits it pretty well for what i've seen so far. It is true that sometimes it's activity is low but tbh i rather talk to/ share my thoughts with friendly ppl over being on a high activity forum filled with jerks, trolls and that kind of ppl that tend to make things worse ex:

- User A: I'm sad becuse i'm having X problems
- User B: Don't complain, i'm even worse

- *User A is going through a very rough depression and even thinks about ending it all*
- *User B far from help, reinforces his/her negative perspective, Probably worsing it*

I understand that we all are in this kind of forums for a reason and we have/had lots of problems/situations that ended in us developing some kind of phobias or disorders. I myself find sometimes difficult to stay positive (and i'd say no human being can be possitive 100% of the time). But when you see someone having a rought time, perhaps making that person feel worse is not the best option, even if you yourself find hard to stay positive.

If you can't help or at least try because your current situation wont allow it, then say nothing. Another story is when you need to vent, obviously we all need that and it's good! But never vent at the expense of others.

This forum (it's users) does a pretty good job at that.
 
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