i feel i'm a lousy communicator and it's bringing me down. i don't say the right things, i don't say enough. blahblahblah. :kickingmyself:
That's pretty much how I am in real life. Though, being told that I don't talk much doesnae give me a incentive to speak more than I feel comfortable doing.
I'm so tired of trying to fight against the depression, the fear, the fatigue, the horror of my rotting flesh, weakness, sickness, wounds that won't heal. I just want to lie down and rest forever. Life is not supposed to be like this. What the hell went wrong?
Cleveland, man. :omg: I'm starting to get really scared now. The world wasn't terrifying enough already? In four years there'll be nothing left but a smoldering, lifeless cinder spinning around in space. That, at least, is something to look forward to. Where does the madness end? Apparently, it doesn't. :kickingmyself:
I've been thinking a lot about trying to go out—it's been seven weeks, and the cupboard is bare—but the more I think on it, the more anxious I become. I think I may—I say may—be approaching the point where I'll be physically able to do this, but the anxiety squeezing my skull and gnawing at my guts tells me maybe I can't. I've done it before, lots of times. Why does it seem so impossible now? :idontknow:
I can hold out for a few more days, probably, but then something's gotta happen. What's it going to be, brain? What's it going to be?
It's heavy tonight—the sense of failure, of wasted life—wrapped around my ankles, my wrists, tied in an ungodly snarl of knots, dragging me ever deeper into the cold, murky waters of despair.
It's heavy tonight—the sense of failure, of wasted life—wrapped around my ankles, my wrists, tied in an ungodly snarl of knots, dragging me ever deeper into the cold, murky waters of despair.
The thing about America is that it could be so great but instead it's all about mediocrity, fear, and the lowest common denominator.
We have allowed the media, educational system, banking system, corporations and the government wear us down to zombies. We don't really have ownership of our individual selves anymore.
I recently took a trip to New York City. Our biggest and most cultural city, and even that seemed bland.
Most people were walkng around looking into their phones with their earbuds in.
The ability to successfully communicate to any new person/people I have just met seems to be deteriorating the older I get.
It has never been good, but at least I used to not stumble over my words or sentences several times - each sentence - of a paragraph of speech, which is happening with more frequency now. :kickingmyself:
Then it just gets worse if I continue to speak because of the cognitive-mess-milkshake that the embarrassment is making of my thought processes.
In the past I have had the ability to think of something to distract my mind in a situation of stumbling over my words and prevent my brain turning into a thought-milkshake, but I can't even manage that anymore. :sad:
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