nodejesque
Well-known member
Kat Dennings is ****ing gorgeous. I love her.
Post your random thoughts/feelings etc
- Thread starter Remus
- Start date
vj288
not actually Fiona Apple
I've been doubting myself a lot lately, and, maybe justifiably so, worried about who I am as a person. I feel like a crappy person, who cares about the wrong things and thinks the wrong things, and that I'm just not a good or worthwhile person. And I know there was a time in my life when I would feel this way and get by because I knew it was irrational, but objectively I feel like I just can't convince myself of that anymore. I think it's because it's true. I hate being so negative, but I just wanted to be really honest with myself. I don't feel like I can be positive, because everything positive coming from my mouth sounds like a load of crap. Only when I'm being bitter, or petty, or small, or a sarcastic shit, do the words feel right. I am lazy, so lazy. I tell myself I want to be better but I don't feel any desire deep down. I just want to be effortlessly happy. It feels great on the surface, but underneath I do really hate looking at who I am. I feel like such an ugly person. I liked it better when I hated myself for irrational reasons and cared a lot about it, than doing so for rational reasons, and not really giving any ****s. I don't even want to type right now I just want to smash the keyboard and throw it and run into a wall or something. I just write this post and think what another mindless piece of crap. Am I writing it just for attention, for more superficial pleasure at the idea of people reading what I said, and caring? The hope someone replies, or thanks it, and makes me feel slightly better about myself, for no real good reason. I'll just go to sleep now, and forgot all these feelings. It doesn't matter.
I'm just so tired of this. Why am I not doing the right thing. Why am I not trying. Why can't I wake up tomorrow and be a totally different person? I know I ****ing can, but I know I won't. How pathetic is that? Don't answer, I already know.
I'm just so tired of this. Why am I not doing the right thing. Why am I not trying. Why can't I wake up tomorrow and be a totally different person? I know I ****ing can, but I know I won't. How pathetic is that? Don't answer, I already know.
Phoenixx
Well-known member
^ Agreed that she is quite pretty. I do like her as an actress, or at least some of her stuff. For some reason though I cannot get into 2 Broke Girls. It just is not funny to me. I think it's the writing....
^ It's one thing to be honest with yourself and recognize what's wrong, but it's also another to over-analyze and condemn yourself for being such a way. To pick apart your flaws until you feel raw only makes you feel even more bitter towards yourself and the rest of society. I think it's good you're recognizing your faults, but I also don't want you to feel so badly about yourself for these things. Trying to get that spark to make a change in the right direction is a hard one, and sometimes you have to use all your energy and force yourself in order to get that spark. I don't know about you, but sometimes I get so fed up with my pathetic self when I hit an obstacle like this that I literally just force myself to do something about it. I find a solution, or attempt to. Even if that means complaining the whole entire time and being a pessimistic whiner just to get it out of my system.
For example, I hit this obstacle similar to yours a couple months ago. I kept telling myself how lazy I was, how pathetic I was, that I didn't have a job and no social life. That I was only going to class 3 times a week, then coming home immediately and doing pretty much nothing. I'm so pathetic that I have no friends at college and no one to hang out with. I wanted a job, Iwanted money, I wanted to meet new people, I wanted a change, yet had no desire to really do anything about it. So I took it upon myself to search for jobs like crazy. To get that spark going. All the while still telling myself how lazy I was. I would go out handing out my resume to businesses, faking a smile and faking a positive attitude, even though I hated being so exposed. I hated how I never got calls back for an entire month. Surely it was my fault because I was so lazy the past few years. But, I still kept doing it. Because it was something to do, it kept my mind focused on something else for a couple hours a day. And if I did obtain something (which I did!), it was a step in the right direction. I hope this helps.
Phoenixx
Well-known member
I've been contemplating on skipping class today. My manager scheduled me to work today when I wasn't supposed to. I told her about it, and instead of giving me the day off like I always have, she just told me to come in earlier. :/ I guess I need the money, but then I'll have to drive 45 mins straight to class as soon as I get out of work. I have no breaks during work to eat beforehand, so I can't eat until I get there. I also can't change out of my work clothes until I get there. I'm not going to walk into class smelling like a deli and bakery. I also won't get home until nearly 8pm tonight, if I do go.
On top of that, this class is a demonstration class where someone from the hospital is coming in to show us brands and products of hospital food and special nutrition products served in hospitals that they're going to have us try. Yummy! I'm not trying anything, as most of those products have milk products in them (among other horrible ingredients) and I'm severely lactose intolerant, among other allergies. Even if I could, I wouldn't because that stuff is nasty.
So yeah. Have a long, busy day and be exposed in class for not trying anything? Or skip class and come home after work to get other stuff done that I've been wanting to do? I have assignments starting to pile up because I've been so busy with work. If I don't go I'll have time to get started on homework.
On top of that, this class is a demonstration class where someone from the hospital is coming in to show us brands and products of hospital food and special nutrition products served in hospitals that they're going to have us try. Yummy! I'm not trying anything, as most of those products have milk products in them (among other horrible ingredients) and I'm severely lactose intolerant, among other allergies. Even if I could, I wouldn't because that stuff is nasty.
So yeah. Have a long, busy day and be exposed in class for not trying anything? Or skip class and come home after work to get other stuff done that I've been wanting to do? I have assignments starting to pile up because I've been so busy with work. If I don't go I'll have time to get started on homework.
anomicdeer
Well-known member
Girls...
I'm trying not to pay attention but it's not avoidable. I'm just annoyed that this one girl doesn't really talk to anyone like she does this one articular married older guy. Like she says a bunch of little chits of crap just to say something to him...
I really wish I could like girls but... Things like this irritate me.
Just like a "friend" I had before stopped texting me because she rather obsessed with some guy I knew way longer than she has...
I'm trying not to pay attention but it's not avoidable. I'm just annoyed that this one girl doesn't really talk to anyone like she does this one articular married older guy. Like she says a bunch of little chits of crap just to say something to him...
I really wish I could like girls but... Things like this irritate me.
Just like a "friend" I had before stopped texting me because she rather obsessed with some guy I knew way longer than she has...
Opaline
1
I live with my sister, and we have continually been getting into arguments. I'm not claiming it's all on her and I'm innocent. But even when I try to approach her calmly and reasonably about issues, I sense a defensiveness and irritation from her. I don't know what to do about it - you'd think it would be simple enough to agree with someone to talk things out when there are issues, but not so simple I guess, especially if there is just plain disagreement about most things.
Feel stressed and anxious today. Well most days, but yes :/
Feel stressed and anxious today. Well most days, but yes :/
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Jeff Lynne wasn't overly talkative with the crowd between songs at tonight's ELO gig in Glasgow. He must be quite shy, introvert fella, which just makes me appreciate his skills as both a guitarist and song writer all the more.
vj288
not actually Fiona Apple
Thanks, it did help. I'm having a hard time, particularly this week. This feeling of being flawed at the core has been at the forefront of my mind and isn't going away. And every time I'm a **** to someone, or act in ways I feel ashamed and embarrassed to have associated with me, it reinforces the idea. And then I feel worse every moment I'm not doing something to change that. Because then every day I see it again, I wish I could just crawl into a hole and stay there until I'm ready to be a decent human being again. But short of a lottery miracle, I know that's out of the question. Until I find the spark I'm going through my days trying not to make things worse than they already are. I just feel like I'm failing every day at this. I really, really don't want to be me, but can't be anyone else.
nodejesque
Well-known member
I have never seen that show, but I like her other work. I had never realized how beautiful she is, until I saw an old movie she starred in.
SilentAndShy
Well-known member
Hit a roadblock for some work I've been assigned to do and now can't be bothered to do any work atm..
Phoenixx
Well-known member
^ Believe me when I say that things will turn around. It may take a while, and you may think I'm just being too positive about this, but it'll happen. As long as you keep trying, even if you hate it.
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Hate going to music concerts nowadays. Aw these f**kin' young c**ts with their f**kin' smartphones recording whole show. And old, they're gettin' off the hook either - the auld biddies.
Ah mean, aye ah'll admit ah did it back in 2007 and 2009 - but never since then. Cuz it's only when ye look back on it and realise how much social media hus really spoils the atmosphere of a gigs now.
Remember when ye got a t-shirt, mibbe a program, a few photos and ye were f**kin' grateful fur the experience. How much mair f**kin' proof d'ye need that ye were at a gig, anyway? Ah take photos, a program and ma memory of witnessing moments ah'll remember fur the rest o' ma days ower some videos of that same show, which are really just a means of narcisstic bragging and giving yer self-absorbed ego a wank. Which is quite an elegant way of putting it.
It's like me going: "Ah went tae see ELO last night", tae use a very recent example. And someone asking me: "How were they? Did ye enjoy it" And me perceeding tae whip oot ma phone, like a right bellend, an goin': "Check it oot fur yersel', ah filmed half the gig. The quality's a bit shite, mind you"
Cuz f**k describing the experience with words and yer memory of that night, eh? Maist folk dinnae even read nowadays, so yer hardly gonnae keep their attention with a story, are ye?
Sorry, that's rant that's been ragin' within me since YouTube and social media become such an all encompassing part of everyday life. :kickingmyself: :veryangry:
Ah mean, aye ah'll admit ah did it back in 2007 and 2009 - but never since then. Cuz it's only when ye look back on it and realise how much social media hus really spoils the atmosphere of a gigs now.
Remember when ye got a t-shirt, mibbe a program, a few photos and ye were f**kin' grateful fur the experience. How much mair f**kin' proof d'ye need that ye were at a gig, anyway? Ah take photos, a program and ma memory of witnessing moments ah'll remember fur the rest o' ma days ower some videos of that same show, which are really just a means of narcisstic bragging and giving yer self-absorbed ego a wank. Which is quite an elegant way of putting it.
It's like me going: "Ah went tae see ELO last night", tae use a very recent example. And someone asking me: "How were they? Did ye enjoy it" And me perceeding tae whip oot ma phone, like a right bellend, an goin': "Check it oot fur yersel', ah filmed half the gig. The quality's a bit shite, mind you"
Cuz f**k describing the experience with words and yer memory of that night, eh? Maist folk dinnae even read nowadays, so yer hardly gonnae keep their attention with a story, are ye?
Sorry, that's rant that's been ragin' within me since YouTube and social media become such an all encompassing part of everyday life. :kickingmyself: :veryangry:
Pacific_Loner
Pirate from the North Pole
^Why? .....
anomicdeer
Well-known member
@Megaten, yeah I always wonder what people say about me and that leads me to imagine them saying things like I creep them out or something...
anomicdeer
Well-known member
Got a replacement phone and I backed up from iCloud (which I believe was the only way to back up the phone) and I lost most of my C25k results. I'm at Week 7 and it only has up to Week 3 Day 2 on it. Disappointing but I'm just starting where I left off. It doesn't matter anymore really. I still log it manually (in a journal, handwritten). I just like to have that record for myself, even electronically since I'm using an app.
I'm more looking forward to finally completing it, feeling proud of myself, and buying something for myself as a reward. Also, I can't wait to get a kayak so I can finally go kayaking. I hope I'll get my money this week. I would go do a rental just to kayak already but if I get my money I won't have to do that... So I'll just wait and see...
I'm more looking forward to finally completing it, feeling proud of myself, and buying something for myself as a reward. Also, I can't wait to get a kayak so I can finally go kayaking. I hope I'll get my money this week. I would go do a rental just to kayak already but if I get my money I won't have to do that... So I'll just wait and see...
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Megaten
Well-known member
Sorry, I went a bit too far there. I was just mad. I try really hard every day to be more social and (with some people) it doesnt matter what I do, if they smell fear, they act weird and will sometimes avoid me. This has been a problem Ive had since I was in middle school. Im 33 now and its getting old. Not everyone does this though, some people dont care if Im nervous. But its like a punch in the stomach when it does happen. Its like why bother trying, you know?
Exactly
Pacific_Loner
Pirate from the North Pole
Oh no need to be sorry, I understand the frustration. I just thought it was ironic to be mad at someone for being uncomfortable, when they are because you are
Can't expect people to be better than you
Megaten
Well-known member
Oh no need to be sorry, I understand the frustration. I just thought it was ironic to be mad at someone for being uncomfortable, when they are because you are
Now that I think about it yeah that is incredibly ironic lol.