I think we have too much artificial stimulus (stimuli?) In our lives and that raises our happiness thresholds and then it takes more and more to feel content.
It's been getting a lot easier and is helpful for the anxiety. It's a job at a store btw. First job I've ever gotten. Working the register and stocking and pretty much general everything in the store. It's fun and enjoyable and the assistant manager is pretty cute. I wonder to myself if she is single the whole time I am there. I don't know anything about her. Never had a girlfriend and I am too anxious to really ask and be upfront to others about my interest.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. *focuses on the tasks at hand*
I finally beat my old Bop It game after always losing whenever I tried to play it. This is most likely a very petty thing to feel joyful about, but I do anyway 🙂.
The deadline for applications for my master's degree has been announced, but the whole process hasn't started yet. I'm starting to get a bit nervous, I need to get certificates (there's a bunch of them to choose from, I don't know which one they want) and write a motivation letter. I can only achieve 40% of the selection criteria (because I never had a job or did research on the subject), but it should be enough since it never fills all the vacancies and there are a lot of students like me applying for it.
Many have a big bulky build, not really obese, just bulky like a guy, many talk VERY loudly and swear a lot, many are REALLY into sports or at least pretend to be, many walk around with a chip on their shoulder like they are always ready to take someone down.
Most women around here seem to have either all or a combination of the above characteristics.
once you've been labeled "the weird awkward guy" your social life is basically over at that point....I dont think I could make friends regardless of how hard I might try...its like im a complete pariah and nobody gives a fvck....I can get along with people just fine, joke around, have a good time and whatnot..but once they find out that im a loner thats basically all it takes for them to not want me around....its like its just seen as such a weird taboo that people refuse to overlook it.
I really want to continue improving/reinventing myself but only in matters of success and becoming independent...when it comes to making freinds I could care less..its not high on my list of priorities..
once you've been labeled "the weird awkward guy" your social life is basically over at that point....I dont think I could make friends regardless of how hard I might try...its like im a complete pariah and nobody gives a fvck....I can get along with people just fine, joke around, have a good time and whatnot..but once they find out that im a loner thats basically all it takes for them to not want me around....its like its just seen as such a weird taboo that people refuse to overlook it.
I really want to continue improving/reinventing myself but only in matters of success and becoming independent...when it comes to making freinds I could care less..its not high on my list of priorities..
I want to try being sober for a week or two. I shouldn't have to take hand fulls of drugs and alcohol just to quell the constant feelings of panic. I fear I may accidentally end up killing myself. They don't even dissolve this constant overwhelming anxiety and panic, just sort of lesson it to a degree. It's a lingering demon that IS me at this point. I am my panic attacks and I am my social anxiety, and as much as I don't want it to define me, it does.
I seriously need to find a way to cope that allows me to even go outside and hold down a two second conversation without dying inside. I just..... can't do this anymore. I can't function on the most basic levels without taking handfuls of drugs. I'm ruining my already neurotic and unstable mind, as well as surely wreaking havoc on my body. I don't even have memories of a lot of nights any more. I just wish I knew how to function as a basic human in this society, it's ridiculous.
Isn't weird how people on forums are always saying "everyone is different, not everyone is the same" then they give advice like the solutions should work the same for everyone?
My good friend who went to Germany a few years ago and never came back doesn't have internet at her house, so she wrote me a letter a few months ago and I haven't written back because ugh it's so old-fashioned and slow when I could talk to her regularly online! Some people find letter writing fun but if I want to be in contact with someone and have no other way but snail mail, that's just ridiculous in our current day. I don't know if I'm ever actually going to get around to writing her back because I'm irritated and I don't feel like writing a letter. Hah. I'm a great friend 🙂 But really she needs to get wifi, god...
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