Stressball
Well-known member
It's been a looong while since I've posted here, but I feel I need to and I would appreciate some advice. Since I was 13, I've feared failure and especially feared the negative judgement of others like many can relate to I'm sure. I've relied on family to get a couple of jobs (always out of pressure from my mom), but I've never gotten a job on my actual own and tasted true independence. I'm 26 now and still live with my parents, shut in my room. The idea of trying to sell myself in an interview terrified me beyond belief due to social anxiety. Back in highschool when we were supposed to do work experience I basically made my aunt give me a job so I didn't have to write a resume and deal with possible rejection.
At 22 I finally pushed myself to go to college. (After deferring for a year out of fear and anxiety after being accepted) I did my hardest with the anxiety for 2 years, but ended up quitting on the spot when I realized I couldn't handle the anxiety, oral presentations and the final project where I would have to talk in front of 300 people. I literally just quit one day and never looked back. The shame I feel over this eats me away still. My mom felt so bad about this she still lies to people that I'm busy in college studying, but in reality I'm a mess and doing nothing besides being in my room on my computer talking to my boyfriend, playing games or failing over and over to stick to doing something productive.
I feel I ultimately sabotaged myself and now at 26 years old I feel so buried deep in a hole with my life I think about dying most days of the week. I am so depressed and on the verge of tears most of the time. My memory is also extremely poor and my situational awareness is very bad; have been made aware of this constantly by my parents and long distance boyfriend. I notice it is getting worse with age. I'll leave things around, forget literally 10 seconds later, I'll break appliances and drop things constantly. I feel like this mentally disabled and stupid little child and my parents make me feel that way on a regular basis.
I first tried getting professional help when I was 20. I went to a psychologist for a year but ultimately it did little for me. I was put on strong medication for that year, which ultimately ruined my short-term memory even further and gave me too many horrible side effects. It at least prevented me from trying to kill myself and made me realize not everything was my fault, but beyond that it wasn't much help. I tried once more again to find help before giving up; the second psychologist was cold and I felt very uncomfortable and judged by her. A couple of years later, last year actually, I tried again to get help with the encouragement of my cousin. She came over because the family was curious why they never saw me for years. I found a new psychologist near me, which was the worst I'd been to. It was really obvious he didn't want me there and literally told me he wanted more money from me "under the table" for his efforts. I left feeling completely crushed and shocked and stopping bothering.
Sorry this is long, but I feel like I'm on a tightrope and can't go on anymore. I feel so stuck and hopeless, I don't know what to do anymore. My rollercoaster depression is additionally affecting my relationship with my long distance boyfriend severely. No job, no life, no ability to concentrate or do anything meaningful. Please give me advice, anything. I have tried other places and nobody ever responds. I rarely make posts like this because I hate wasting people's time, but this time around I can't handle it anymore and would appreciate some advice and support. But even if nobody ends up having no advice for me...I at least hope people don't feel alone and can relate.
At 22 I finally pushed myself to go to college. (After deferring for a year out of fear and anxiety after being accepted) I did my hardest with the anxiety for 2 years, but ended up quitting on the spot when I realized I couldn't handle the anxiety, oral presentations and the final project where I would have to talk in front of 300 people. I literally just quit one day and never looked back. The shame I feel over this eats me away still. My mom felt so bad about this she still lies to people that I'm busy in college studying, but in reality I'm a mess and doing nothing besides being in my room on my computer talking to my boyfriend, playing games or failing over and over to stick to doing something productive.
I feel I ultimately sabotaged myself and now at 26 years old I feel so buried deep in a hole with my life I think about dying most days of the week. I am so depressed and on the verge of tears most of the time. My memory is also extremely poor and my situational awareness is very bad; have been made aware of this constantly by my parents and long distance boyfriend. I notice it is getting worse with age. I'll leave things around, forget literally 10 seconds later, I'll break appliances and drop things constantly. I feel like this mentally disabled and stupid little child and my parents make me feel that way on a regular basis.
I first tried getting professional help when I was 20. I went to a psychologist for a year but ultimately it did little for me. I was put on strong medication for that year, which ultimately ruined my short-term memory even further and gave me too many horrible side effects. It at least prevented me from trying to kill myself and made me realize not everything was my fault, but beyond that it wasn't much help. I tried once more again to find help before giving up; the second psychologist was cold and I felt very uncomfortable and judged by her. A couple of years later, last year actually, I tried again to get help with the encouragement of my cousin. She came over because the family was curious why they never saw me for years. I found a new psychologist near me, which was the worst I'd been to. It was really obvious he didn't want me there and literally told me he wanted more money from me "under the table" for his efforts. I left feeling completely crushed and shocked and stopping bothering.
Sorry this is long, but I feel like I'm on a tightrope and can't go on anymore. I feel so stuck and hopeless, I don't know what to do anymore. My rollercoaster depression is additionally affecting my relationship with my long distance boyfriend severely. No job, no life, no ability to concentrate or do anything meaningful. Please give me advice, anything. I have tried other places and nobody ever responds. I rarely make posts like this because I hate wasting people's time, but this time around I can't handle it anymore and would appreciate some advice and support. But even if nobody ends up having no advice for me...I at least hope people don't feel alone and can relate.
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