Please give me hope, I'm about to give up

[Stressball]

It's been a looong while since I've posted here, but I feel I need to and I would appreciate some advice. Since I was 13, I've feared failure and especially feared the negative judgement of others like many can relate to I'm sure. I've relied on family to get a couple of jobs (always out of pressure from my mom), but I've never gotten a job on my actual own and tasted true independence. I'm 26 now and still live with my parents, shut in my room. The idea of trying to sell myself in an interview terrified me beyond belief due to social anxiety. Back in highschool when we were supposed to do work experience I basically made my aunt give me a job so I didn't have to write a resume and deal with possible rejection.

At 22 I finally pushed myself to go to college. (After deferring for a year out of fear and anxiety after being accepted) I did my hardest with the anxiety for 2 years, but ended up quitting on the spot when I realized I couldn't handle the anxiety, oral presentations and the final project where I would have to talk in front of 300 people. I literally just quit one day and never looked back. The shame I feel over this eats me away still. My mom felt so bad about this she still lies to people that I'm busy in college studying, but in reality I'm a mess and doing nothing besides being in my room on my computer talking to my boyfriend, playing games or failing over and over to stick to doing something productive.

I feel I ultimately sabotaged myself and now at 26 years old I feel so buried deep in a hole with my life I think about dying most days of the week. I am so depressed and on the verge of tears most of the time. My memory is also extremely poor and my situational awareness is very bad; have been made aware of this constantly by my parents and long distance boyfriend. I notice it is getting worse with age. I'll leave things around, forget literally 10 seconds later, I'll break appliances and drop things constantly. I feel like this mentally disabled and stupid little child and my parents make me feel that way on a regular basis.

I first tried getting professional help when I was 20. I went to a psychologist for a year but ultimately it did little for me. I was put on strong medication for that year, which ultimately ruined my short-term memory even further and gave me too many horrible side effects. It at least prevented me from trying to kill myself and made me realize not everything was my fault, but beyond that it wasn't much help. I tried once more again to find help before giving up; the second psychologist was cold and I felt very uncomfortable and judged by her. A couple of years later, last year actually, I tried again to get help with the encouragement of my cousin. She came over because the family was curious why they never saw me for years. I found a new psychologist near me, which was the worst I'd been to. It was really obvious he didn't want me there and literally told me he wanted more money from me "under the table" for his efforts. I left feeling completely crushed and shocked and stopping bothering.

Sorry this is long, but I feel like I'm on a tightrope and can't go on anymore. I feel so stuck and hopeless, I don't know what to do anymore. My rollercoaster depression is additionally affecting my relationship with my long distance boyfriend severely. No job, no life, no ability to concentrate or do anything meaningful. Please give me advice, anything. I have tried other places and nobody ever responds. I rarely make posts like this because I hate wasting people's time, but this time around I can't handle it anymore and would appreciate some advice and support. But even if nobody ends up having no advice for me...I at least hope people don't feel alone and can relate.

 

[Diend]

Do you accept yourself for who you are? I stopped trying and my mind is at peace. Are you afraid of appearing different from other people your age? I have already accepted the fact that I won't be graduating from my college anytime soon. However, I just accept myself for who I am because I know I tried my best.

 

[Witty_Name0_0]

You are definitely not wasting anyone's time... People could be helped just by reading this thread.

Your situation seems similar to mine. I feel so anxious and stressed sometimes, and so insecure. I have bad memory too. I'm just trying to think of advice...

Exercise might help a lot. I find that when i exercise my lows aren't as low and i feel more motivated to do things. Might sound cliche or whatever but it's true for me. I try to go for a jog for 30 minutes non stop at least every two days. I found that the exercise i was doing previously wasn't good enough. I thought that just running a few meters was enough. Proper exercise just makes you feel better.

Reduce gluten and lactose. Gluten seems to make me feel very tired and sluggish. It almost depresses me.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

I think you should put the issue of the future aside for a while and focus on your physical health. You would be amazed to see how much taking care of your body has an impact on all the problems that most people seem to think they need to be fixed by therapy or medication. I guess you don't have a job and you don't go to school, so you have all the time in the world. Make yourself a daily routine of full-time exercice, relevant hobbies (learn stuff) and healthy eating away from the computer and I'm pretty sure you'll feel way, WAY better, less anxious, less clumsy, and less brain-fogged after a couple of weeks.

 

[Stressball]

Do you accept yourself for who you are? I stopped trying and my mind is at peace. Are you afraid of appearing different from other people your age? I have already accepted the fact that I won't be graduating from my college anytime soon. However, I just accept myself for who I am because I know I tried my best.

Ultimately, I don't, and yes I am afraid of being too behind from other people my age. This is something I think I'm keenly aware of, so I have almost stopped using social media so I can't compare myself to anyone I know. It's really hard most of the time to even looking at myself in pictures or in the mirror. I'm on vacation in the U.S right now visiting my long distance boyfriend (I live in Australia and going back in 1 week, my parents paid for it all) and I couldn't look at my vacation photos, weird eh? But I know I've somehow got to accept I'm not on any conventional path for my age... It's really tough to get my head around it and I'm not sure how to. I guess you just block it out and become indifferent or something.

For anyone that might be curious how on earth I can travel internationally with bad social anxiety: I have no idea either. I think I did it because I was really desperate not to be alone anymore and reached a breaking point. The entire process of navigating airports and sitting next to complete strangers practically made me break down, found myself hiding in the plane restrooms so much because of it. I know that's probably weird, but it felt comfortable being shut in and alone so I could take a breather; I couldn't concentrate at all. Now I've got to go back home...maybe I should move here but I'm scared to. Ideally I'd like him to move here...but Australian customs are some of the toughest in the world...and he isn't exactly super qualified with anything and Australian customs tend to be picky with that. I have zero clue what I am doing. I research stuff, reach a block and I'm extra confused about everything, bah.

You are definitely not wasting anyone's time... People could be helped just by reading this thread.

Your situation seems similar to mine. I feel so anxious and stressed sometimes, and so insecure. I have bad memory too. I'm just trying to think of advice...

Exercise might help a lot. I find that when i exercise my lows aren't as low and i feel more motivated to do things. Might sound cliche or whatever but it's true for me. I try to go for a jog for 30 minutes non stop at least every two days. I found that the exercise i was doing previously wasn't good enough. I thought that just running a few meters was enough. Proper exercise just makes you feel better.

Reduce gluten and lactose. Gluten seems to make me feel very tired and sluggish. It almost depresses me.

Thank you, I will keep typing. Still afraid people will judge me badly but trying to block it out. I've managed to get on a pretty regular exercise routine past couple of years and it helps. Sometimes I slack off badly, but I try to be consistent. The harder challenge for me seems to not punishing myself severely if I fail to do it sometimes...my mind is so horrible with criticism and it completely kills motivation. It has certainly helped with keeping calmer. I try not to think about it and just do it.
I also try to eat alot of gluten-free food as well and found it helps, glad it seems to help others with anxiety and deperession too, really worth it.

I think you should put the issue of the future aside for a while and focus on your physical health. You would be amazed to see how much taking care of your body has an impact on all the problems that most people seem to think they need to be fixed by therapy or medication. I guess you don't have a job and you don't go to school, so you have all the time in the world. Make yourself a daily routine of full-time exercice, relevant hobbies (learn stuff) and healthy eating away from the computer and I'm pretty sure you'll feel way, WAY better, less anxious, less clumsy, and less brain-fogged after a couple of weeks.

You are right, but I tend to comfort eat and my impulse control is poor. I've yo-yo dieted for years since a teenager. 3-4 months of eating sensibly and really healthy is typical for me and then it crashes. The times I eat better I do feel better and more calm, but then inevitably I go crazy and eat everything in sight due to depression. I have this obsessive, perfectionist attitude to everything I do which I've come to realize completely sabotages me. For some people perfectionism makes them reach great heights, yet for me it seems to be poison. I know it should be a lifestyle plan, not a diet, but I've struggled so much with it I've practically given up. It's an endless cycle I don't know how to break. Lately I just feel like its not working for me and I need to do something else so I feel more secure with my whole life and everything will fall into place sort of thing. I'm not sure exactly what that is or whether that's what I have to do, regardless till trying to eat healthy as much as I can.

 

[Lavinialuna]

The first and hardest step is accepting your limitations. accepting that your limitations are different than your peers, and that it's not your fault, it's the way you are wired. You didn't choose to be wired like this, it's just the way you are.
I had to deal with it when I got an autoimmune disease and was sick all the time. It took me 10 years to get a grip (hopefully it won't take you that long!) I had to learn my limits, learn how to take care of my body, learn what exercise I could tolerate. Getting to know yourself isn't so bad! Try not to compare yourself to what others are doing or achieving. They are doing it without and albatross around their necks. They have no idea what this is like. We can't expect them to understand either, you just have to look for those people who will accept you for the way you are. Sounds like your parents are supportive, thank God for that! I have heard others say that theirs weren't. You have them in your corner. I guess my advice would be just to live life as stress free as possible, look at your life from the ground level (stop worrying about how the story will end, enjoy life like it's a good book, one day at a time). Do what you can handle, and take baby steps. Treat yourself with kindness. Yoga is amazing for body and soul. Eat healthy. If you have faith, pray for guidance. If you ever need to talk, I am willing to listen

 

[bsammy]

Do you accept yourself for who you are? I stopped trying and my mind is at peace. Are you afraid of appearing different from other people your age? I have already accepted the fact that I won't be graduating from my college anytime soon. However, I just accept myself for who I am because I know I tried my best.

problem is i think its very hard to accept yourself as who you are as thats basically giving up on change...what makes it worse is when your normal self is so deficient in society..today you have to be outgoing, determined, confident to make it todays workplace or else you will have a very hard time..social phobics and the like have a very rough road ahead of them..ive tried mental magic tricks and self-acceptance but at the end of the day when i look at my life overall, it doesnt bring a smile to my face..

 

[Metal_isthe_Answer]

I feel the same was as alot of of what the original post said. Most of my very few friends are married, two of the three have kids. They live on their own and have somewhat successful jobs. I definitely relate to the idea of feeling left behind by people my own age.
But as far as not being able to find a job on your own, sure many people apply for every little thing they find, but a lot of others hear about a job through word of mouth. Its completely normal and perfectly fine to be looking for job and have a parent or a friend tell you about a place they saw that is hiring and you shouldnt feel ashamed because of it.
If you ever feel like it you could give college another try, so far my experience has been that everybody has to do oral presentations, try to think about that when it comes time for you to do one, hell, most people barely pay attention when other students are presenting, they just clap when its over to make it seem like they did. My math presentation was in front of 40 or so people, only about 6 or 7 were listening and the rest were looking at their phones.

 

[theslowesthand]

If serious/major depression is a problem for you, and maybe when all hope is gone, i find the following "deep" technique helps a bit with that. It's sort of a combo of what i've read, & experienced/thought-of myself (it's a meditative-type technique):

Basically, you "embrace" the pain/suffering/misery/etc, instead of constantly "running" from it (to gescape from, &/or to "separate" yourself from the pain). Think "the more pain, the better!", "this is good for me!", "i will learn from this!". Also think "i AM this pain .. the pain is ME". By doing this, it takes the "sting" out of one's suffering/depression/etc, by (i think) eliminating frustration & fear/fleeing, which according to some religions is the primary cause of pain in humans.

Of course it's better to have actual hope in life, but i find there are times when that doesn't seem possible to have any hope, which is when i use thoughts/mediatitve techniques like the above (to "get me through" those bad times).

 

[Section_31]

Your pain screams out through your words. And im so so sorry your experiencing this.

I cant say I have much really to add that hasn't already been said. Just to say ive read your post and wanted to give you a verbal hug. Your not alone, and theres no reason you need to do this kind of heavy lifting by yourself.

Were all here for you and we all care.

 

[ascendedOne]

Stop trying to find meaning in life, there is none to find. People become depressed because they are constantly searching for meaning, and when they can't find it, all of that energy becomes stuck energy. There is nothing that you have to do, no where you have to go, nothing you have to become, no more searching. Once you let go of what you thought you had to be, or do, then you can be content with what ever choices you make, because there are no wrong choices to be made.

 

[S_Spartan]

Stop trying to find meaning in life, there is none to find. People become depressed because they are constantly searching for meaning, and when they can't find it, all of that energy becomes stuck energy. There is nothing that you have to do, no where you have to go, nothing you have to become, no more searching. Once you let go of what you thought you had to be, or do, then you can be content with what ever choices you make, because there are no wrong choices to be made.

It is true that there is no meaning in life or in the whole universe for that matter. However, we are not free to be meaningless and random ourselves because we are still bound to societal law which, for better or worse, was set up to ascribe meaning for us where once there was none.

And society definitely dictates that there are wrong choices to be made!

And in return for our compliance, it grants us little comforts such as assuring us that when we flush the toilet our waste will be carried far away.

So we are all caught in a bribe, an extortion, if you will, to judge our thoughts and actions by the rules that society makes for us.

So I think that this paradox between the meaninglessness of the universe and the stringent laws of the human race causes us much suffering. Especially those of us who are more sensitive.

 

[Lavinialuna]

I disagree, there is a meaning to life and the search for it is a spiritual journey that is distinctively human. It is frustrating and painful (so I see why so many decide not to participate) but if you feel called it explore it, by all means, ponder it deeply until you find peace... just realize it takes a long time and it becomes clearer with age. Don't expect to know it all right away. You will just keep learning as you go.
I respect people who choose not to seek the spiritual but they shouldn't discourage others from seeking purpose.

 

[nodejesque]

Have you ever tried a second psychologist? Maybe a new perspective and possibly new treatment, will help. Also, if you'd like to finish your degree... there are colleges that are accredited for "distance learning classes" which just means online classes. I just helped my neighbor sign up for st.Joseph's college in Maine. But she chose just an online route.

Maybe that will help by making you feel more in control of your future. I know that I often worried about that before I finished school.

 

[Stressball]

Have had a lung virus for the better part of last week, so could not really get online and reply sooner. Thanks for everyone's replies and making me feel like I'm not invisible.

If serious/major depression is a problem for you, and maybe when all hope is gone, i find the following "deep" technique helps a bit with that. It's sort of a combo of what i've read, & experienced/thought-of myself (it's a meditative-type technique):
Basically, you "embrace" the pain/suffering/misery/etc, instead of constantly "running" from it (to gescape from, &/or to "separate" yourself from the pain). Think "the more pain, the better!", "this is good for me!", "i will learn from this!". Also think "i AM this pain .. the pain is ME". By doing this, it takes the "sting" out of one's suffering/depression/etc, by (i think) eliminating frustration & fear/fleeing, which according to some religions is the primary cause of pain in humans.
Of course it's better to have actual hope in life, but i find there are times when that doesn't seem possible to have any hope, which is when i use thoughts/mediatitve techniques like the above (to "get me through" those bad times).

Interesting idea there, was something my boyfriend suggested to me too some time ago. The idea of simply embracing the pain instead of fighting it is kind of appealing, but a deep part of me fears it'll take me down a road of mediocry and just accepting a crummy situation instead of finding something effective to get out of it. I grew up with an asian parent (my mom) who drilled perfectionism and achievement into me as primary values, so its a really battle in my brain to accept. To me I feel utterly worthless unless I have achieved something meaningful/bragworthy/impressive and can't seem to accept liking myself otherwise. I wonder if anyone else here feels the same way with that too. I have no idea if that makes sense, but yeah. Stupid perfectionism. I want to kill it then throw it off Mt. Everest.

Stop trying to find meaning in life, there is none to find. People become depressed because they are constantly searching for meaning, and when they can't find it, all of that energy becomes stuck energy. There is nothing that you have to do, no where you have to go, nothing you have to become, no more searching. Once you let go of what you thought you had to be, or do, then you can be content with what ever choices you make, because there are no wrong choices to be made.

Thanks, but I've tried this for a while and to me its not a good way to see life. I became really apathetic, stayed up to 4am every day and my health deteriorated fast. It made me even more lazy and neglectful of my health and wellbeing. Now I'm paying the consequences for it with pretty bad health problems. Heart inflammation and memory loss being the two main ones. I believe all humans need meaning and purpose in their lives, however they find it and whatever it may be.

Have you ever tried a second psychologist? Maybe a new perspective and possibly new treatment, will help. Also, if you'd like to finish your degree... there are colleges that are accredited for "distance learning classes" which just means online classes. I just helped my neighbor sign up for st.Joseph's college in Maine. But she chose just an online route.
Maybe that will help by making you feel more in control of your future. I know that I often worried about that before I finished school.

I don't trust psychologists anymore...I've just become cynical of them. I guess I'm just going to have to get over it and play whack-a-mole to find a good one, but my morale is about -500 at the moment. I'm not sure how to just get over it and feel hopeful again.
I think that's a good idea to do online studies thanks for the suggestion. Thought of going back to college in person makes me physically ill. =( Now the other half my brain right now is telling me I am shooting myself in the foot again, because I feel I'll never actually get a job without networking with people and making people like me. I'm tired of my brain going around in these circles, I want to punch my brain heh.

 

[BlueWeepingRose]

Wow I read over you're thread and I feel you're pain by just reading it. I'm sorry to hear how you're dealing with all of this. I've never been to college cause I feel like I'll fail horribly at it and I suffer with low self esteem. Can relate to how you just lock yourself in you're room, it's hard to get out there sometimes but don't give up hope. Have you ever tried meditating before? Just tried it two days ago cause I've been suffering with a lot of anxiety. It's just a suggest to you. Sorry if my post hasn't been that much helpful but I've related to you're thread in some ways. Hope things get better for you.

 

[Sea Bass]

I grew up with an asian parent (my mom) who drilled perfectionism and achievement into me as primary values, so its a really battle in my brain to accept. To me I feel utterly worthless unless I have achieved something meaningful/bragworthy/impressive and can't seem to accept liking myself otherwise. I wonder if anyone else here feels the same way with that too. I have no idea if that makes sense, but yeah. Stupid perfectionism. I want to kill it then throw it off Mt. Everest.

I can relate to being a perfectionist and wanting to amount to something. I think that the way to get out of your predicament of being such a perfectionist and wanting to become something that is "brag worthy" is by reframing your state of mind. Try to see that even the smallest insignificant things that some people do make an impact. For example, a janitor at an elementary school may not have the most note worthy job, but he/she still makes a difference by helping maintain cleanliness in an institution that facilitates the education of children who are society's future. Without the janitor, the school children would probably get sick because much of the school would become unsanitary.

In addition to reframing, you can also find something to do that in someway makes an impact (like a job or helping other people out by writing responses on this website). If you find something to do, you will be exerting an influence on society.

 

[R3K]

set some easy goals for yourself. is there anywhere you could imagine yourself working that wasn't a family hookup job? even if it's mcdonalds (or the AUS equivalent,) you should conquer this demon of dependence and just score a job on your own. job interviews at restaurants are easy, the managers literally just stroll up to you from something they're preoccupied with and take you to a random table, probably surrounded by other ppl dining and just ask you to confirm things he's reading off ur resume. probly like five minutes tops.

even if you don't stay there for very long, you should slay that demon so you can mentally move on to the next challenge. I was in a similar situation, i'd worked at taco bell located 20 feet from my highschool for 5 years, then at a drug store that was like 30 feet away from the school. old classmates would come in and be like- oh hi Jason, workin at taco bell huh?... :kickingmyself:

but I finally lept at an opportunity (though it was a partial hookup job) and moved out of the city and got a job as a server in a restaurant. it was hard shit, but I became a decent server and a really good busboy and using my connection at that restaurant landed a job at a better restaurant and i'm a semi shift lead now.

my point is just pick one demon that's torturing ur life and focus on killing that mother****er and **** everyone and everything else then build from that small success.

 

[Sea Bass]

set some easy goals for yourself. is there anywhere you could imagine yourself working that wasn't a family hookup job? even if it's mcdonalds (or the AUS equivalent,) you should conquer this demon of dependence and just score a job on your own. job interviews at restaurants are easy, the managers literally just stroll up to you from something they're preoccupied with and take you to a random table, probably surrounded by other ppl dining and just ask you to confirm things he's reading off ur resume. probly like five minutes tops.

even if you don't stay there for very long, you should slay that demon so you can mentally move on to the next challenge. I was in a similar situation, i'd worked at taco bell located 20 feet from my highschool for 5 years, then at a drug store that was like 30 feet away from the school. old classmates would come in and be like- oh hi Jason, workin at taco bell huh?... :kickingmyself:

but I finally lept at an opportunity (though it was a partial hookup job) and moved out of the city and got a job as a server in a restaurant. it was hard shit, but I became a decent server and a really good busboy and using my connection at that restaurant landed a job at a better restaurant and i'm a semi shift lead now.

my point is just pick one demon that's torturing ur life and focus on killing that mother****er and **** everyone and everything else then build from that small success.

I wish I did what you did. I would feel so much more at ease with myself in knowing that I'm doing something with my life. Dealing with the demon of finding a decent job while having SA is hard sh*t. :applause:

 

[Stressball]

Wow I read over you're thread and I feel you're pain by just reading it. I'm sorry to hear how you're dealing with all of this. I've never been to college cause I feel like I'll fail horribly at it and I suffer with low self esteem. Can relate to how you just lock yourself in you're room, it's hard to get out there sometimes but don't give up hope. Have you ever tried meditating before? Just tried it two days ago cause I've been suffering with a lot of anxiety. It's just a suggest to you. Sorry if my post hasn't been that much helpful but I've related to you're thread in some ways.

Thank you, it means a great deal that people can relate. I hope things get better for you too, I really appreciate your response. I find meditating really tough actually. Maybe I am too impatient, boyfriend tried to sit me down and force me to meditate for a while, just didn't work. I usually just jog on the treadmill, but past few months I find its not enough to keep my mind calm.

I can relate to being a perfectionist and wanting to amount to something. I think that the way to get out of your predicament of being such a perfectionist and wanting to become something that is "brag worthy" is by reframing your state of mind. Try to see that even the smallest insignificant things that some people do make an impact. For example, a janitor at an elementary school may not have the most note worthy job, but he/she still makes a difference by helping maintain cleanliness in an institution that facilitates the education of children who are society's future. Without the janitor, the school children would probably get sick because much of the school would become unsanitary.
In addition to reframing, you can also find something to do that in someway makes an impact (like a job or helping other people out by writing responses on this website). If you find something to do, you will be exerting an influence on society.

Thanks, that is something I think about actually. I guess I have too much pride. I feel a deep sense of shame unless I can be in a respected job, which in-turn makes me feel pretty soulless. One's self-worth shouldn't come *all* from their career, right? Its true every job has its purpose in society, even less glamorous jobs and they are important, but to me I'd rather not exist unless I have a fulfilling job...Deep down I feel like, because I have no ability to form meaningful relationships with others, I need to compensate through my job, by having a great job and hopefully people who admire me for that? Talk about egotistical...feel shameful over it. I've thought about doing volunteer work in Africa...which terrifies the crap out of me =( I'm feeling so hopeless about finding meaningful connections. I don't know if anyone can relate but...I notice I am robotic with social interactions, more so as I get older. I never respond spontaneously, because I just think people are only talking to me because they want something out of me...hard to feel like you can be open when in the past you realize people only pay attention to you when they want something. Then being completely ignored by certain people, it angers me so much. =(

set some easy goals for yourself. is there anywhere you could imagine yourself working that wasn't a family hookup job? even if it's mcdonalds (or the AUS equivalent,) you should conquer this demon of dependence and just score a job on your own. job interviews at restaurants are easy, the managers literally just stroll up to you from something they're preoccupied with and take you to a random table, probably surrounded by other ppl dining and just ask you to confirm things he's reading off ur resume. probly like five minutes tops.
even if you don't stay there for very long, you should slay that demon so you can mentally move on to the next challenge. I was in a similar situation, i'd worked at taco bell located 20 feet from my highschool for 5 years, then at a drug store that was like 30 feet away from the school. old classmates would come in and be like- oh hi Jason, workin at taco bell huh?... :kickingmyself:
but I finally lept at an opportunity (though it was a partial hookup job) and moved out of the city and got a job as a server in a restaurant. it was hard shit, but I became a decent server and a really good busboy and using my connection at that restaurant landed a job at a better restaurant and i'm a semi shift lead now.
my point is just pick one demon that's torturing ur life and focus on killing that mother****er and **** everyone and everything else then build from that small success.

I had this plan when I was 20, to get the heck out there and just expose myself so much to social situations my brain couldn't be afraid anymore. Part of it was nagging from my mom to get a job, but I pushed myself and give myself a reason to go out. I worked at my uncle's warehouse for a year, doing photo-editing. I forced myself every single day to drive through the city and deal with the social anxiety. One day I overheard two co-workers say that they didn't like me. I could not interact and I'm sure I came across as a snob. I wanted to scream at them and make them understand I didn't *know* how to talk to them. After tha, I worked for another 2 years at a family retail job. I figured if I had no choice but to interact with customers, I would no longer feel social anxiety. I felt like I was in a daze the entire time, literally could not interact and relate with the girls there. Making myself smile for customers was a chore every single time. I just felt like an alien and did not belong. I thought my anxiety would improve with constant exposure, but for some reason for me it didn't work. I feel like something key is missing and still not sure why. I think that's what finally crushed me, trying to do this for so many years and not seeing any marked improvement.
Anyway, I could imagine myself as a digital artist, somehow eeking a living online. I went to college to try and do that. Deep down, despite all the *deeeeeeep* fears I have about it, I can't really picture myself in anything other then a creative endeavor, I feel its in my blood. I watch videos quite frequently about it, but social anxiety and fear, fear, fear and lack of concerntration sabtoages me everytime I've tried to get serious about it. Sorry if this sounds like one bitch-fest, but damn I haven't had anywhere ever to really vent. I will try to set tiny less ambitious goals, you are right with that I believe.