Physical relationships *mature topic*

mismeek

Well-known member
Physical relationships *mature topic* Update

I had a bf for a few months and our sexual relationship was okay (he wasnt very good at it but.. *shrugs*) He was my first partner. Everything was okay for a month or two, but then I started having severe panic attacks during intimate moments. It got so bad to the point where I just broke up with him so i wouldnt have to do it again. I was sexually abused when I was a child (hence the all the anxiety issues) so I can understand why i began to panic, but what i dont understand is why didn't I panic the first time we did it? Is anyone else having anxiety during times of intimacy?


update:
Sooooo I talked to my ex....

I've never been so humiliated in my life.

I met him for lunch and we talked about my issues. I guess I had really hurt his pride/feelings when I rejected him the last time we had sex. After I explained to him what had happened to me and how I wanted us to work through it, he looked at me like I had admitted to him that I was half alien or something. He pretty much said that I was f****ed in the head and wanted no part of it. He went on to further hurt me by saying that I should stick to family members...and that I was obviously a better lay for them (I was hurt by a relative)

my anxiety around men is back at a ridiculous level again. I guess he wasn't the right person to share my secret with.

so yeah I think I'm done with the whole relationship thing. I'm really embarrassed.

anyone want to be my online bf? :/
 
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Danfalc

Banned
Maybe because it was kind of exciting at first,any despite maybe having some anxieties about it..you was able to put them to the back of your mind with it all being new and exciting.I find sex to be that much more intense and passionate when your first dating.After a while the passion can wear off or at least be harder to maintain.

I really don't know and that's just a total guess on my part.Any form of abuse can damage us,I imagine sexual abuse even more so.The slightest thing can trigger old memories off again even if we don't consciously realize it.

I have always had a very bad self image,but I'm comfortable with sex these days and being naked with someone else,something I use to find hard due to a bad experience.But some things can still trigger me and make me feel very insecure.
 

just wanna b normal

Well-known member
just brought back bad memories maybe? you should try to find a way to let go of that discuss it with someone maybe...
 
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mismeek

Well-known member
Hmm you both have a good point. I've been going to therapy for years but I recently stopped because I havent had any problems (other that this) with my anxiety. Do you guys think I should talk to my therapist and maybe try again? I just loath the idea of having sex now, but I know i have to get over it if i want to have a bf.


ugh maybe spinsterhood is more for me :p
 
I did experienced sexual abuse also. Sometimes I block myself of feeling good while having that.. The reason why i'm saying ''that'' is because I've been through that. I can't talk about it because I feel it's something big.
A thing I shoudln't talk about.
But at the same time it's a beautiful thing, but sometimes I see sex as a lust .. Not as real love. So I think like NOWAY. Not gonna do that.
I only want that happening when it's special, because it makes me feel really weird when someone who doesnt love me has sex with me.. I will feel really anxious because I need to feel connected with the other person..
Because I cannot feel that way.. For someone who only wants me for lust..
I hate that.. It makes me feel sick xd
 

Remus

Moderator
Staff member
I too was abused, I get flashbacks when being intimate, it can be upsetting and distracting. Hard to get those thoughts out of your head. I guess you have to be very open with your partner and not make them think that it is rejection.

I'm with Flowergilie on the lust thing too, it made my skin crawl back in the past
 

MsBuzzkillington

Well-known member
I think it would be a good idea to start talking with your therapist again. Having someone to talk to about this, would probably help a lot. It's a tough thing to go through and you don't have to go through it alone. Your therapist can get you back on track with coping skills.
 

Feathers

Well-known member
Have you tried EFT or TAT yet? (free pdf manuals online..)

I found especially TAT very helpful to 'dissolve' old painful things..
Never used it on something like this though.. I had some bad experience but not this kind, and it was helpful..

Hope things get better..
 

Danfalc

Banned
Do you guys think I should talk to my therapist and maybe try again?

Yeah I think that's a great idea.Though make sure you do it in your own time and don't rush it.I think it's important you feel you wan't to get over it or at least move forward with it rather than just feeling you have to.

I also agree with what Remus said about being open with your partner if you get back with him.Not because I think he deserves to know,but I think maybe having some understanding and support could go a long way In helping you.
 

Feathers

Well-known member
They are kinda techniques for psychological relief.. Like 'acupuncture' but with fingers only, you tap on special points (EFT) or hold hands in special position (TAT)..

EFT: emofree.com TAT: tatlife.com

You can use them in combination with journalling and/or CBT too... they can be a bit similar to ACT, in some regards.. challenging or getting rid of any negative thoughts or feelings.. and deciding to love yourself anyway :)

I don't recommend EFT before sleep, it usually made me a bit jazzed (like coffee), TAT may be better, it seems more calm and quiet.. don't fall asleep with hands 'in position' though.. :)
 

Remus

Moderator
Staff member
I also agree with what Remus said about being open with your partner if you get back with him.Not because I think he deserves to know,but I think maybe having some understanding and support could go a long way In helping you.

Easier said that done though, I had a couple of relationships before I 'came out' and I was in my 30's then. A huge amount of shame comes with an being abuse survivor. I went off the rails for about a year after confessing my issues. It should never be done lightly and I think professional guidance is paramount. It would of been wise to deal with it when not in a relationship.
 

Danfalc

Banned
Easier said that done though, I had a couple of relationships before I 'came out' and I was in my 30's then. A huge amount of shame comes with an being abuse survivor. I went off the rails for about a year after confessing my issues. It should never be done lightly and I think professional guidance is paramount. It would of been wise to deal with it when not in a relationship.

That makes a lot of sense actually,about dealing with it out of a relationship.Hope my advice wasn't insensitive,it is very easy to sit here and suggest advice but I have no doubt dealing with it in reality is very different.But yeah it should go without saying about it not being done lightly and under guidance.Even then I guess someone has to feel ready to open up about it and gauge if the other person can handle hearing about it.
 

punklove

Well-known member
I think in order to save your relationship you should have told him what was going on and the reasons for it.
Also it probably didn't happen the first time because you were caught up in the moment but once you were used to it and knew what to expect you probably lost focus on him and started focusing on past events instead.
 

3lefts

Well-known member
I don't know if anything I say will help, but I'll try. I think you are very strong and brave to have begun a sexual relationship. Before focusing too much on your anxiety you should acknowledge that triumph. I get severe anxiety about intimacy as well.. for the same reasons you stated. There's a possibility that the reason you didn't panic at first was because of the way you previously coped. Maybe disassociation with your feelings so that when you made the choices to go through with it, you were rationally thinking without emotional influence? You also said he wasn't that great, after time when he didn't get better maybe it started to relate to your past too much. You weren't enjoying it as much as you were supposed to. It could have triggered some old feelings and whatnot, therefore causing a greater amount of anxiety because your subconscious couldn't differentiate between your feelings then and now? I don't know. I'm just guessing.
 

Asherah

Active member
Sometimes certain smells or sounds or other things can trigger you. I also had bad experiences and it caused alot of trouble in my intimate relationship with my now ex-boyfriend. For me certain smells can bring me back to the time and place when i had those bad experiences. I try to eliminate those smells as much as possible, so when having sex i always need him to shower first or i have to know he just had a shower. Also i dont want to have any alcohol involved etc etc. It helped me alot, i know it isnt a perfect solution, but well it helps.

Try to find out what is triggering you and find a way to eliminate it
 

mismeek

Well-known member
I don't know if anything I say will help, but I'll try. I think you are very strong and brave to have begun a sexual relationship. Before focusing too much on your anxiety you should acknowledge that triumph. I get severe anxiety about intimacy as well.. for the same reasons you stated. There's a possibility that the reason you didn't panic at first was because of the way you previously coped. Maybe disassociation with your feelings so that when you made the choices to go through with it, you were rationally thinking without emotional influence? You also said he wasn't that great, after time when he didn't get better maybe it started to relate to your past too much. You weren't enjoying it as much as you were supposed to. It could have triggered some old feelings and whatnot, therefore causing a greater amount of anxiety because your subconscious couldn't differentiate between your feelings then and now? I don't know. I'm just guessing.

I think You're right about this. I wasn't really emotionally involved with him when we first had sex. I guess i just wanted to know what sex was like when you actually wanted it. Then after a while my mind started to drift and i began to get uncomfortable.. then i started thinking about panic attacks...and it just went down hill from there.

I think I'm going to talk to my therapist then maybe see if my ex wants to try again. I kinda doubt it tho.. :/
 
sex is lust, its never love.

i totally disagree.. of course sex is lust.. but you can have it with love..
Make it feel special and not only going for lust feelings ;)
but Yeah sex is lust, but it is love... for me :)
because im not going to have sex with someone i dont love..
 
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