online dating

[OceanMist]

Give her some cheap, magazine style excuse, like "I just don't feel that there's any platonic friend chemistry" or "I'm just not ready for a platonic friendship right now".

Better yet, be honest and tell her you're not interested in being her emotional tampon just for the sake of getting a consolidation prize and that friendships that spring from unsuccessful dates aren't possible. She doesn't want you friendship, but at least it will knock her ego down a little bit.

Haha, yeah that would have been kind of funny if I rejected her attempt at the friendship line. It'd be like she rejected me, so I reject her.

I told her we could be friends, though. I wouldn't be surprised if she just never texts me again. It's not like I'm going to initiate a text right now to her.

You are right about the awkwardness of being friends with a woman that rejects the guy. It's like, get out of my life.....let's hang out some time. Haha.

You are right about her having an ego. The way she handled this thing just reaked of elitist. She acted like she didn't do anything wrong and that I'd actually believe that she doesn't have time for me when she's dating another guy right now. Then when I confront on her lie she keeps lying. I interrupted her BS lying routine and had the stones to call her out on it and then she tries to make it look like I don't know what I'm talking about.

 

[sullyS25]

I just had a date with a girl I had met on an online dating site. At first I tried to avoid it like I have done in the past because of my fear of rejection but the opportunity presented itself today and I did it. I was nervous at first because she is Spanish and I am a native English speaker but it went well...She was very nice and after like 2 minutes that familiar feeling of my heart pounding went away. In the past I always would beat myself up for things I said, did or didn't say but today I felt fine.

I have been living out hear in Spain for 5 months now and I am realizing it has been a journey of discovering who I am and confronting my fears...It is nice.

 

[OceanMist]

My conclusion to these last 3 situations (women that I dated) is I'm sorry I'm not an idiot that believes the "i'm busy all the time" line. Forgive me for getting angry when 3 different women in a row throw that line on me to get rid of me after dating me at least once.

I'm sick of hearing it. I am now seeing that this is incredibly common among women to use this, it is a universal way to break up with someone. I guess there is no good way to break up with someone, and maybe it's my god complex that is asking for too much: I believe I should be told the truth, even if it's brutal.

I do realize that what I'm asking is for the woman to tell me what she's really thinking, which in the last case that woman was probably really thinking, "You aren't the alpha male that I want and I found a guy that is better than you at life." Yes, that would be a hurtful thing to say and I see that "I'm always busy" isn't as hurtful, but my problem is one is the truth and one is a lie.

I must be weird because I'd rather be stomped by the truth than fed a cliche lie. I can't expect all women to understand, or even men to understand that. I guess I'm just a weird guy.

 

[Felgen]

Haha, yeah that would have been kind of funny if I rejected her attempt at the friendship line. It'd be like she rejected me, so I reject her.

I told her we could be friends, though. I wouldn't be surprised if she just never texts me again. It's not like I'm going to initiate a text right now to her.

You are right about the awkwardness of being friends with a woman that rejects the guy. It's like, get out of my life.....let's hang out some time. Haha.

You are right about her having an ego. The way she handled this thing just reaked of elitist. She acted like she didn't do anything wrong and that I'd actually believe that she doesn't have time for me when she's dating another guy right now. Then when I confront on her lie she keeps lying. I interrupted her BS lying routine and had the stones to call her out on it and then she tries to make it look like I don't know what I'm talking about.

She knows perfectly well that you're not on a dating site to make friends, so don't bother initiating contact with her again. Also, if she contacts you to bitch about her problems with some pretty-boy hipster or wannabe gangster and how all men just want sex, then just say that the common denominator is her and that this is not the case, as "every other woman" her age is taken. This will also be a kick in the balls (figuratively speaking) to her ego, while not being directly offensive.

 

[Sial Axetder]

huh, tried that okcupid thing. not much happenin there.

 

[Iluv]

huh, tried that okcupid thing. not much happenin there.

I hope your not using your avatar as a dating profile picture, maybe it's scaring people away. It scares me. :: I'm still trying to figure out what it is.

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

My conclusion to these last 3 situations (women that I dated) is I'm sorry I'm not an idiot that believes the "i'm busy all the time" line. Forgive me for getting angry when 3 different women in a row throw that line on me to get rid of me after dating me at least once.

I'm sick of hearing it. I am now seeing that this is incredibly common among women to use this, it is a universal way to break up with someone. I guess there is no good way to break up with someone, and maybe it's my god complex that is asking for too much: I believe I should be told the truth, even if it's brutal.

I do realize that what I'm asking is for the woman to tell me what she's really thinking, which in the last case that woman was probably really thinking, "You aren't the alpha male that I want and I found a guy that is better than you at life." Yes, that would be a hurtful thing to say and I see that "I'm always busy" isn't as hurtful, but my problem is one is the truth and one is a lie.

I must be weird because I'd rather be stomped by the truth than fed a cliche lie. I can't expect all women to understand, or even men to understand that. I guess I'm just a weird guy.

You've every right to be angry that you were given some BS line about being busy rather than a straight and honest answer, but it isn't just women who do this. There are just as many guys who do exactly the same. People do it because it's easier than the confrontation that a more honest response might provoke.

I also don't think you should make assumptions about what this woman was thinking. Your "alpha male" theory might be right, but there could be many other reasons why she didn't want to date you.

 

[Sial Axetder]

I hope your not using your avatar as a dating profile picture, maybe it's scaring people away. It scares me. :: I'm still trying to figure out what it is.

Mouth of Sauron.
Nope. I used real pictures of me. But I just assume I am too intimidating. Disabled the account on that site. Enough wasted time.

 

[AsTimeBurns]

I've tried okcupid about 5 times. Trying eharmony at the moment. Pattern tends to be: send lots of messages. get one or a few replies. Have short conversations until other person stops responding. Give up and mope about dying alone. I can only assume I'm a very dull person, I know I certainly struggle to come up with things to talk about, but .. meh.

 

[sullyS25]

I've tried okcupid about 5 times. Trying eharmony at the moment. Pattern tends to be: send lots of messages. get one or a few replies. Have short conversations until other person stops responding. Give up and mope about dying alone. I can only assume I'm a very dull person, I know I certainly struggle to come up with things to talk about, but .. meh.

I doubt you are dull...That has been my experience as well...I know I am not dull. We may come off that way online because it truly is a pretty awkward situation as it is...at least for me. On top of that it is difficult to start and keep a good conversation....That may make us appear to be dull but I can assure you that it does not mean we are truly boring people.

 

[SM1010]

This other woman wasn't as bad because we only dated once, and she communicated with me at least and told me it is over. I just didn't like that she lied about being busy and was seeing was another guy at the same time. That's not as bad as cheating, but it's similar. She called it a date, too, which was leading me on.

Going on one date with a woman doesn't mean you're "dating" them. And it doesn't mean they're not allowed to go out with anyone else.

You're going to run into the same problem over and over again if you think you're dating someone because you go on a date with them. Attractive women on dating sites are talking multiple guys at once.

In fact every dating article I've ever read advises you to "date around" and not just focus on one person.

I apologize if I came off too harsh. I just seems like you're focusing on the wrong things. You're getting all this great practice and it seems like you refuse to focus on the things you can control and instead you're just getting mad at the things you can't (like the fact that women will almost never straight up tell guys why they're not into them).

 

[OceanMist]

Going on one date with a woman doesn't mean you're "dating" them. And it doesn't mean they're not allowed to go out with anyone else.

You're going to run into the same problem over and over again if you think you're dating someone because you go on a date with them. Attractive women on dating sites are talking multiple guys at once.

In fact every dating article I've ever read advises you to "date around" and not just focus on one person.

I apologize if I came off too harsh. I just seems like you're focusing on the wrong things. You're getting all this great practice and it seems like you refuse to focus on the things you can control and instead you're just getting mad at the things you can't (like the fact that women will almost never straight up tell guys why they're not into them).

Going on one date with a woman and then asking her if she wants to meet again and she agrees,that's my definition of the beginning of dating of someone. It seems I'm in the minority and one of the only people who think that because I was reading online and apparently most people think it's okay to date other people early on when dating someone else. And it looks like that's what I need to accept, is that dating can be unfair at times.

I guess I just don't understand why it's okay to date around while you date someone. I thought monogamy and truthfulness was the way to go....I mean when someone goes on a date with someone they shouldn't have to hide that they are seeing someone else. That seems like cheating to me. As far as numbers go, dating other people at the same time would help chances, but it seems like cheating to me. Also, why would someone want to share someone with someone else sexually? That just doesn't make sense to me that people would be okay with having sex with a partner that is having sex with someone else at the same time they are dating.

It seems I disagree with certain parts of dating etiquette. the solution to that would be stop believing what I believe and adjust to "the game." You are right that i need to be more lenient and give in to dating norms that don't always agree with what I believe. I don't agree with gender roles but I have to be the male gender role in certain situations or I am risking failure. I realize that.

That just seems like a messed up way to try to attempt to start a relationship, to be dating other women behind her back right off the bat. I can't help but think if the woman hears I am dating another woman she would get mad. honestly I'm afraid to date other women at the same time because I wouldn't be comfortable having to hide that.

My anger is largely based on the fact that I am the one getting rejected every single time. It makes me wonder if I will ever be able to maintain a relationship that works. When will I get to reject a woman. If I get rejected by 10 different women in a row, which may happen, that gets to anybody. That's not normal to be rejected that much.

I mean if I'm going to rejected every time, it takes the excitement out of it. It's just frustrating how it always happens and happens so quickly.

I'm just not handling this well because the rejection is always targeted at me in a quick manner. I guess I just expected more success out of this.

Like how you tell me I should just be happy that I'm getting experience, I don't feel that anymore. When I'm constantly getting rejected, I don't care anymore about the experience. If the experience was helping, then I wouldn't be shown the door so quickly. It seems it's more based on who the woman is and whether she's interested in dating me before she even shows up on the date. It seems it's based on luck of the draw, not how experienced I am.

I calmed down after my run today and realized something. I may get rejected every single time. That's something I need to accept. Even if that does happen, that doesn't mean I will fail. If I keep trying, hopefully luck will come my way and I'll get a few women that let the dating last longer.

I wasn't prepared for this fast and abundant rejection. Maybe I have learned something. Rejection is common and can happen quickly. Don't expect so much. Accepting failure is key.

 

[sullyS25]

It seems like nothing will please you OceanMist. Before these dates you complained about not having anyone to go on a date with. Now that you have been on a few dates you are upset with the outcome. The next step is getting a girlfriend and being upset because she doesn't give you enough attention or getting overwhelmed with jealousy.

I have to agree with SM1010, if you are already talking about monogamy after two or three dates then you are going to have a lot of problems in the future. Until you have talked to a girl about being in a relationship and made it official, what she does with her other dating prospects should be none of your business. This is hard to accept, I know. I even have had issues with it but unfortunately that is the way it is. If you continue with this attitude it is almost a sure thing you will continue to be hurt. One thing I have learned in my experience is that jealousy and the need to control someone in the first stages of a relationship are really good ways to get the girls to stop talking to you.

 

[SM1010]

It seems like nothing will please you OceanMist.

Indeed. It just seems like he wants to focus on the negatives no matter what, which in turn will always make him feel sorry for himself.

Online dating has been a huge help to me, and it hasn't even resulted in any relationships or sex. But just going out with a bunch of women has made me much more comfortable/confident around them then I was before.

Sucks for him he'll never feel the way that I do since he's apparently only going to focus on the negatives.

 

[Felgen]

Indeed. It just seems like he wants to focus on the negatives no matter what, which in turn will always make him feel sorry for himself.

Online dating has been a huge help to me, and it hasn't even resulted in any relationships or sex. But just going out with a bunch of women has made me much more comfortable/confident around them then I was before.

Sucks for him he'll never feel the way that I do since he's apparently only going to focus on the negatives.

Back when I was new to online dating, being rejected by even fat and ugly girls after meeting them in real life was a serious blow to my self-esteem.

 

[coyote]

...I wasn't prepared for this fast and abundant rejection. Maybe I have learned something. Rejection is common and can happen quickly. Don't expect so much. Accepting failure is key.

i've used this analogy before, but i feel it bears repeating...

dating/finding a partner is very much like sales in that success depends on the number of attempts

if a salesman has a quota of 10 widgets to sell each day, he can't assume he'll only need to approach 10 people - he has to understand that most people will reject him

30% is a common rule of thumb used in sales - only 30% of the people he approaches will let him give them his sales pitch. of those, only 30% will be interested. of those, only 30% will actually buy a widget. of those, only 30% will become regular widget customers.

so he needs to approach at least 100 people to sell 10 widgets - 300 people to get 10 regular customers

being a successful salesman is not about learning to be the best looking, most clever, smoothest talker with the best spiel - it's simply about approaching the biggest number of potential customers

it's a simple formula really: the more people he approaches, the more widgets he sells

the same holds true in the dating world

the more people you meet, the more people you date, the better chance you have of finding someone that you connect with

rejection is part of the equation - it's not a bad thing - it helps you narrow down the field

the salesman doesn't want to spend all day wasting his time trying to sell widgets to people who aren't going to buy them - he'd rather they slam the door in his face quickly so he can get back to finding customers who WILL buy - after all, he's got alot of people to get to out there

rejection is a good thing - it saves time and helps you focus your energy in the right direction

 

[twiggle]

Related to discussion further back but: nobody is ever too busy. It's a completely translucent excuse. If you really want to do something you'll strive to either find the time, or make the time, and if it's impossible to do that, you'll express genuine remorse that that's the case.
And that's not just applicable to dating, but in general.

 

[Thelema]

Related to discussion further back but: nobody is ever too busy. It's a completely translucent excuse. If you really want to do something you'll strive to either find the time, or make the time, and if it's impossible to do that, you'll express genuine remorse that that's the case.
And that's not just applicable to dating, but in general.

100% true.

Too busy really means you aren't important enough to miss this re-run of Family Guy. If someone uses that excuse, you should make very little (no) time for them.

 

[OceanMist]

i've used this analogy before, but i feel it bears repeating...

dating/finding a partner is very much like sales in that success depends on the number of attempts

if a salesman has a quota of 10 widgets to sell each day, he can't assume he'll only need to approach 10 people - he has to understand that most people will reject him

30% is a common rule of thumb used in sales - only 30% of the people he approaches will let him give them his sales pitch. of those, only 30% will be interested. of those, only 30% will actually buy a widget. of those, only 30% will become regular widget customers.

so he needs to approach at least 100 people to sell 10 widgets - 300 people to get 10 regular customers

being a successful salesman is not about learning to be the best looking, most clever, smoothest talker with the best spiel - it's simply about approaching the biggest number of potential customers

it's a simple formula really: the more people he approaches, the more widgets he sells

the same holds true in the dating world

the more people you meet, the more people you date, the better chance you have of finding someone that you connect with

rejection is part of the equation - it's not a bad thing - it helps you narrow down the field

the salesman doesn't want to spend all day wasting his time trying to sell widgets to people who aren't going to buy them - he'd rather they slam the door in his face quickly so he can get back to finding customers who WILL buy - after all, he's got alot of people to get to out there

rejection is a good thing - it saves time and helps you focus your energy in the right direction

Hmm, I wasn't really thinking about it much in that way. I appreciate this.

You are right, I mean if they aren't interested it's best they establish that and get rid of me ASAP instead of leading me on further and wasting my time with fake interest.

 

[OceanMist]

It seems like nothing will please you OceanMist. Before these dates you complained about not having anyone to go on a date with. Now that you have been on a few dates you are upset with the outcome. The next step is getting a girlfriend and being upset because she doesn't give you enough attention or getting overwhelmed with jealousy.

I have to agree with SM1010, if you are already talking about monogamy after two or three dates then you are going to have a lot of problems in the future. Until you have talked to a girl about being in a relationship and made it official, what she does with her other dating prospects should be none of your business. This is hard to accept, I know. I even have had issues with it but unfortunately that is the way it is. If you continue with this attitude it is almost a sure thing you will continue to be hurt. One thing I have learned in my experience is that jealousy and the need to control someone in the first stages of a relationship are really good ways to get the girls to stop talking to you.

The following are quotes from this thread where I showed that I was in fact pleased with myself:

"I may have some problems but I've got to proud of these two break throughs I've made with dating women and now I've seen at least one friend. Those are the two main parts to a social life and I've put myself in both of those situations."

"Exactly. If it wasn't for online dating, I'd still be a virgin and would have met up with zero women in the last year."

"God bless technology. God bless it." - Crazy, Stupid, Love

"I thought it went okay. We had a lot to talk about because she is so creative with coming up with topics of conversation."

"It was the best moment of my life when we had sex"