Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

grapevine

Well-known member
not been well last few days this week last week. Feel like im living a nightmare. Had to deal with my body going crazy in violent fits of anxiety and most nights i cant sleep. Then there is the crying everyday. Its just a thing now. But you know I dust myself off and so on. Ive applied to volunteer at a second had store - a large shed one. I had to go this morning to say hello. Rugs pushed me into it because I told him I needed to to be pushed as i feared going back to intense social phobia and agoraphobia real quick. Because I lost my job (they hadnt the money anymore to pay me). So new things are happening, but i just cannot relax and I'm overweight and feel out of control lately with binges like some ocd or something and last time that put me into a real pit for years. I cant believe I am 80 kg and was 55kg for ages. Nothing fits me and all my self esteem seems eroded. I feel unhealthy and unhappy and feel like i am living in my fears. I feel also like nothing is sustainable in motivation for me atm , like I need a huge rest. I keep having these breakdown everyday lately, bursts of crying and anxiety, hyperventilating because I feel like im in the fear i feared and its shocking and painful and i havent an idea of where i am and mental energy anymore.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
So I havent been on here in a while. Id just felt so drained of even expressing myself lately. And at the moment, I just feel like I need to strip back everything in my life right now and get back to feeling calm and centred and into a sense of control on my health and deplete my stress levels. Im not liking myself at the moment. I stress myself out over it. Rugs is still in my life, but much more understanding than he ever ever was. He's actually grown so much and beckons to anything he thinks may upset me. Hes busy doing all this stuff whilst im just trying to float above groun within my own self right now and not at all into relationships. Yet he is still here and is a real shoulder often for me to be a best friend even though he has his illness, i guess he can say the same for me too. But I cant help want so much more and you know- that all plagues me. I just cant deal with all those feelings of not being in the same place as him emoitionally and just kind of slow everything down. Thats all I can do and its all fine. Just that overtime, within myself I feel like ive turned back into that non-sexual ugly and obese agoraphobic girl I used to be wearing rags and hiding from people. Acting all without much slef love at all and ignoring my feminity. I just feel like, since ive put on all this weight over time from all the intense stress and burnout Id been through, that its completely made me feel stressed about myself and out of control with my own body and its not a nice feeling. Im happy though that Ive been reading up on things to heal myself. I mean I have candida and adreanal fatigue and they both put weight on. I feel like I canttake any form of sugar anymore- my blood sugar is all over the place and my body aches of the slightest exercise and chores, and im always so bloated. Its all a huge challenge. Id been having anxiety attacks even been around rugs a few times because I just feel gross in my own skin. I just cant believe my weight at the moment. And what is weird is that Im the same wieght I was once upon a time, yet I dont look the same - like I dont look 'big; like I did then and that is because its stress and adrenal fatigue weight which goes on the back and the arms and tummy - on my small frame, it hides well- but simple things like wearing just a tshirt for me is challenging because i get stressed out cause everything is so tight now. I jsut cant believe it. I was a xs and now prob a large.
But anyway, I need to tone every amount of stress right down and going to try special breathing exercises, start taking huge green juices every morning and cut out most fructose and any forms of high sugar foods in my diet, get back to eating my natural fats in my diet again - I tried going to fruit as my main source of calories last week in a ditch to try and heal myself but ended up feeling quite unwell. People talk about oil not being good for you, but I eat hempseed cold pressed oil in my salad- only a tspn to a tblspn, or avocado oil- and I avocados, tahini etc.. If I think back, when I felt the very best and in control of my internal health- and was lean and energetic not that long ago, my main source of calories was fat and i think that serves me. Some people can go all fruit on a vegan mainly raw diet, but I guess im the fats version.

I just really want to get well. I want to eat my greens and bounce back. I feel also, lacking in self love. I feel annoyed at my previous boss for being disrespectful to me for so long and having to deal with that every week that i worked there - i felt completely neglected because I was and I would still work my heart out and even when every week they didnt want to know me- just stuck me in a room with nothing to do - because they didnt know what they were doing, and made their business fail because they couldnt be bothered seeing me as someone that was helping - and everyone else. I cant believe they just sent me a letter in the mail telling me they couldnt afford me anymore and let me go and yet move to a huge $$ over sized office they dont need all that space and then also move thier shop to a giant shed (something I got excited about in conversation to them) and with no warning, no discussion, no goodbyes, no thankus in person- they just send me a letter telling me my services were up because of finances etc. They get funding and they spend it all on luxury for themselves in things they dont need and then get funding again for a larger shed for their shop and then rely on trying to find some volounteers to run the whole thing and neglect it all again. They have treated everyone so neglectfully. And then, in the end, I wasnt an acception.

I guess I just have grievences there. But they are setting themselves up to fail anyways. But it was the place before it all changed, was a huge gamechanger for me in terms of really almost curing my social phobia, agora phobia, anxiety, low self esteem, phobia of men, the list goes on. I went from so many years of my whole 20s never working because i was stuck in those phobias so bad. I got pushed out of that and found out that all owrks of life were working and didnt feel threatened. It was a space for me to feel safe and the fact that I felt useful and was getting paid was a huge thing for me. Like a huge thing. I felt a weight had lifted and I always put in 100 or more percent and loved it all. The role and feeling confidence because I actually had a job - something I thought I could never do because of my social phobia. It opened so much for me. Being in a safe place, having structure in my week, being around people, using my creativity, and listening to my needs inside of what I needed to bring myself self love and confidence, i worked so hard on those things and it made everything, my world change into this moment by moment bright daily thing where I had gotten out of the old muddy fat nothing i was before. And into this beutiful life of my own. I was in control and everything just kept getting better. But I guess the moment back then, when I rugs came into it and i gave him my power in my life rather than myself because i didnt know any better and nether did he, thats when things went right down and down and I basically self abused myself but putting myself last and him first and he just went with that. Then finding his schizo illness and freaking out over and over again - getting sick from it all. Like really sick - all that stress so many times I thought I was going to have a brain clot or something as all the pressure - the never ending stress was so bad and then work changed into neglect and different location and was never the same again. The only way to get energy was to push myself when I really couldnt even do that and I ended up just doing that to survive all the time. And now im actually for once able to have that rest and that reflection and calm down and its like a shock to see how bad my health got and all and how bad things like digestion is because of stress. Just so many things. Im not deep in adrenal fatigue so much now - not like I was before where I needed most days a week in bed in recovery from work and even going anywhere.
Now I just feel so anxious still though because im overweight, my health is all over the place and i feel my bdd and low self esteem gone up from it all. Im going to be starting to volounteer where rugs works soon and im nervous of that. Im also nervous about a bit later when Im ready like in jan or feb - going back to a job agency and getting a new job somewhere - since my let go- my income isnt the same and working has so many benefits but im anxious about my health and being able to cope withthe energy levels - and my self esteem and anxiety levels and being overweight and all those things.
Im giving myself leeway to work on it all but its just a bit depressing.
Since ive stopped working - ive not known what day of the week it is and things like that. But in contrast ive had time to do those things at home ive been wanting to do like my garden and cleaning and so on, and having that me time to relax and get back to myself and start a new chapter - first with my health and tso on.
I feel like the the work I had before, they never saw my value and in the end threw me away. And theres an element to that, that after all tha work and all that emotional adjustment from thier unmanagability, all the stress and so on - i just know that they have thier own stuff coming thier own way. They dig holes for themselves anyways.
 
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grapevine

Well-known member
Had an argument with rugs. Well, i thought it was just normal talking with me being assertive and explaining in no way at all threatening or so. It started when I got a bit of a shock when he mentioned he still does ice drugs. And me, all I was doing was in a compassionate and calm way explaining that I was against it in my values and explaining the bad things it does to a person's body - esp reguarly long term. And he took things way over the top and stormed out the car when we parked and drove himself home and swore at me really angrily. There was no warning. And it was just an adult conversation in a different in opinions. Later, after I had a shock from it and an anxiety attack of all things. He rang and I hang up. Then later he ended up talking on the messenger phone. What turned from me explaining myself once again and that I was explaining that he isnt seeing it from my feelings at all and im seeing things compassionate to him. I said if your in a relationship with someone (and we are- even tho i dont really want to be), your world becomes thiers - and if that person is doing hard drugs- and its completely against your values and everything else. I even explained the chemicals and me having a slight chemical sensitivity and my highest value being health and so on. And he takes everything deeply sensitive to him and not one inch from my perspective. He verbally and aggressively attacks me. Insults me full on as tho Ive been doing the same and I hadnt at all. He was rambling like some school yard low self esteem child - talking himself up like (drunk like) and his family and putting me down and my family. It was quite shocking, and its really frustrating. But you know I have a right to call things out and I did - I made him reflect in how he was acting. But being someone with schizophrenia, it was severely disturbing to see him acting so little like that. I mean full verbal attack on me when I was being nice to him. And its one of the first times he has done that. But I always have to be the higher person and it sux. Ive never considered him a bf- but he wants me as a partner because im sure if I werent - he would be quite ill and not cope. And he helps me with my phobias. But having someone belittle me head on, was not nice when all I was doing was calling out drugs on him. Im so tired of having instances in my life of abuse and people thinking less than me. The amount of giving I do for him and disregarding things not putting my own things first (tho im getting better at it). Its very draining. He has no clue. Well - he is starting to and he has had to change. But tonight showed me that he cannot respect me at all just for having a genuine adult concern. And above all hasnt the ability to think beyond his own feelings in things - perhaps maybe after a few days he may. But its just not fair at all on me. Having to put up with things like him not having any money all that all the time and not being able to do things - his smoking and his illness. I have to give and give. He cant take me out. He just hangs around and expects me to do the lead. Eventually what has happened, is I just gave up. I burnt myself out and now im getting better. I just add him to my things. Like i will got to the beach to get some free plants for my garden and hell tag along. That sort of thing. Whats the point of me putting in the effort if he cant. I would do so so mcuh and it was like I was his personal tour guide or something back then. I had so much resentment and learnt the hard way.
But for him to talk like he did to me tonight and knowing his mind is so demented and childlike - gosh its so frustrating but it gets personal when you get verbally abused at your face.
 

lily

Well-known member
Also, I just thought about this..

So when you actually get to a conversation with someone your own age and stuff - and then find that when they ask you about your life- it feels uncomfortable. Like you dont stack up- like youve treated yourself , your life poorly, like your not worthy of that question.
Your not exciting blah, blah..

I think that is the feelings I get.
i think it's more of a getting to know people who are like-minded. Then they won't think you're boring. Sorry that happened to you. i feel like i don't fit in sometimes too bc there are certain things other people are talking about that i don't like to talk about or know what they're talking about but when I'm w/ someone who's like-minded we click. oh i didn't notice i just quoted your past post LOL!
 

lily

Well-known member
My utmost thoughts are that you shouldn't be with rugs anymore. it's abusive and unfair. it just has to happen. but you should explain it nicely. you would realize that when that happens your life lightens up and you made the right decision and hopefully you'll find those in your life out there and there should be plenty of course as long as you're out there, that are non-abusive.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
Thanks : )

Its silly really, but he has all those issues with cognitive problems so entrenched in him that he doesnt know what he is doing most of the time. All he knows is that he has moulded his life onto mine. That was the first time he had ever gotten mad at me before. I just couldnt take it like the whole stress of being in a relationship or a friendship with a person with schizophrenia and thier cognitive issues from doing drugs, it does put me in such a drained and depressed situation. Ive felt like ive lost myself but at the same time I just stay in the situation I am in because its not all bad, its company and when ive said I cant do girlfriend, he respects me. But, he cant let go of that idea. He has to have me as his girlfriend, despite me saying I cant do it and so on. So I just dont have the energy and jsut go with it wihtout having to be the girlfriend much at all. Its depressing to have a very close and probably codependent relationship with a person that cannot be responsibile for himself and cant question his behaviour and does weird things and all that. Its so much stress and I cant say it hasnt made me very ill. But he is a dear friend at the same time but also an idiot and a selfishly blind one because of his illness and drug habit. The thing that makes me depressed is thinking that at my age of now 36, I shouldnt be investing my time with a guy like him that cant see anything wrong with drugs, has no money and is not someone i want a family with. But ive got social phobia, i have no one else and dont have the energy and esteem to go out and get new friends and so on and he helps pull me out of my phobia and make me feel better. I enjoy the company. But there is always a pain to things he does that knocks my sanity and stresses me out. He doesnt know basic things a 10 year old may know often and planning things like food,money etc - he finds hard to do. I mean he does those things but there are always situations everyday where he finds it hard to be responsible. And the lack of ability to concentrate on anything written or even have a conversation - hell ring me up and not be able to start a conversation - so its just me talking and him on the computer. Hell even put me on speaker phone and i had to tell him off because i was talking to him not knowing i was being broadcast with his family present. He is a very lonely guy and puts me on a pedastool in his life as though i am his life and its made me quite depressed. But having conversations after his outburst he realised he had been smouldering me and i couldnt be myself as an independent person. Someone with his condition has to make conscious efforts to try and think of someone else's feelings as it just doesnt come naturally ( i mean his condition). He has ingrained beliefs that most people think like him and about him kind of thing. Even when he tells me these things and says them out loud he can see the ridiculous in them but still feel those beliefs. It's weird. Anyways, he is impulsive - can be impulsive with his thoughts if he feels he is being threatened by some bit of assertiveness. An adult conversation that is in disagreement with something can be him having to defend himself like a schoolboy without me even raising my voice of anything judgemental. Anyways, he has difficulty planning things, difficulty seeing himself and how he behaves to another person from thier point of view. So he doesnt realise that he may think this is a serious relationship - but its not for me, he is a child and wont give up his drugs and thinks his videos of him and his friend -that they can make a recording for $1000 of their heavy metal jams and then fly out from australia to los angeles and get famous. This is his thoughts, im sure his friend just laughs at it and goes with him on it. I had to tell him the other day that he cant just go to my house and film my backyard and then put that on youtube for the world to see without asking me. Hes response was that there were 0 views, my response was that wasnt the point. Everywhere i go with him, he weirdly has to film with his phone- in the car, where we go for walks, conversations in the car (when I dont even realise he is filming) - he will put it all on youtube without any editing - just about everything he puts on there. Even where he volounteers. Hell go up the stairs of a shed warehouse of the opp shop and film the shop from the secret security window without asking and put that on youtube, or film the furniture van backing up to him - its all weird and so frustrating he doesnt ask and just the meaning of doing these things? The world to him makes sense with alot of ego safety behaviour and its just so stressful for me. Im at a stage where I just let it go, because I cannot control. Im just trying to concentrate on myself these days. Im not playing his girlfriend but I am his friend when I need a friend. Ive had a very lonely life in my past so it is a tonic for me. But ive been really amping the assertiveness and boundaries and its quite upsetting the whole situation, but i am just trying to get out of depression and anxiety and try to remember myself as an independent person and really care for myself first before thinking about all the weirdness and pain from his end. Trying to re-find my pwn passions and so on. I will say that he has been like he wants to live my life because he lacks the abilty to live one himself because of his brain issues. Anyways.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
Wake up this morning. I know i write bad routes in my mind on here and like i hate and so on. But its a stress that I get out. I started crying this morning because for weeks rugs has said he will help me and my mum get my two pet sheep ready to be shawn for the shearer. It means we have to coax them out from where they usually sit and try to trap them and its quite hard. My dad wont be around to help so he agreed. Yesterday afternoon we went out to gully to get some celery weeds for them that they love to be able to do so. This shearer comes at 11-12, so its like 9 and I get a message from rugs saying hes going over his friends place and he wants to see the sheep shawn, but if not he just wants to have a good morning and he wont be far away- what ever that means. What im saying is this is classic him, someone you cannot rely on. He was supposed to be here in the morning from 9;30- 10 so he could help me and my mum - but that has just fled his mind and all he thinks about is him watching the shearing for himself (he hasnt seen it done before) and not actually helping us. So once again, i have to be upset and disappointed - a person i give to even wehn i dont want to and when it comes to him to step up, he doesnt even know he is supposed to - even when its clear. I found that out when he yelled at me for the first time the other week, that it was so hard for him to see anything in my view in compassion - as if he just was clinically unable to or something. The amount of hurt it gives me with things as though to say to myself im not worthy. But really its prob worse when he does step up to the plate. Idk, all i know is he puts his own impulses of pleasure in first priority than planned responsibilities and hasnt the ability to not do that. What I need to stop doing is internalising things, hurting myself because of a person that cant be respectful and stop giving my respect to them. Its really hard to feel like youve ben kicked inthe stomach, you feel hollow because you do all this stuff and put up with this stuff and one lift from that person doesnt equate. Theres no balance and it makes me into this dipping of resentment and an apathetic being. Esp to myself.
 
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lily

Well-known member
I'd say video-taping you and him in places you go to or that you don't even know it at times and then posting it on facebook is really a big deal. i think you should outweigh the pros and cons of the relationship. if he's more of a negative person to be around then you should consider breaking it off as tough as that sounds. it must feel bad that you got ditched on the plan. A little tip though, could you paragraph your text so it's easier to read unless you don't care if anyone reads it or not. thanks :)
 

Sacrament

Well-known member
You think it's better to have him around because it's better than being alone, but it's not. All he does is poison your life. But you've always known this, and since that won't change until he's out of your life, my guess is it will never change because you don't want him out of your life.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
Im writing this morning with a massive migraine finally seeing signs of departing. It was 40 C degrees yesterday and a warm night i spent watching the end of Rivendale on Netflix - a modern take on the Archie comics. Its not that great a show but it was something to get into whilst not being able to sleep.

I used to write in here my heart out and I dont do that much often anymore. But I know that I need to. And I need to because I need to grow the parts of myself I neglect and forget. Those parts of me that have turned into a wilted plant, this year I want to nurture and resurface those things.
I feel the last few years everything turned so dark and nasty in my mind and in my life. I was absolutely crippled in so many ways that Im surprised I am still intact and not a total wreck.

So now in 2019, and I started to write in here in 2015! It feels like 2015/2016 was just yesterday as that was such a life-changing time for me that I will never forget and writing on here was such a building exercise for me on my life. I cherish that time so badly that it actually causes me to feel depressed in my life now because I havent those things i had then.

And so in 2019, I havent a job anymore, im overweight and dont feel those confidence and positive self identity I did then (in 15/16), i dont have great health I did then, i dont have a circle of regular people i see every week (collegues) a place i feel safe and happy to build on myself and my confidence. I actually feel a sweep of depression. I feel like i used to feel. When you have a huge history in your life of dead lonliness and such low self esteem that create anchors and memories - and have to really try to fight to not let those things entertain your thoughts. Thinking that your going to end up like you were before etc. Its actually quite frightening.

I have these deep inner nasty beliefs that there are patterns in my life and im riding the downward one again and its all in relation to similar dates in my life such as 1996, 2006, 2016 .. those were best years. In contrast to 1998, 2008, 2018.. I really need to loose this belief as it prevents me acting on positive changes due to not believing in myself.


I like to be dead truthful on here. Its a place I can say im not in a great space right now, but its a place i can conjure up courage and improve on it all.

I keep rugs in my life as ive been more and more assertive and its more a friendship with alot of space now. Nothing is as huge a burden as it once was. I be honest and upfront with him and i did that being in a space where i just didnt care anymore what i said. And, he understands more now. Being it quite a sad friendship, but its a means for me to not be that person all by myself that i once were for over a decade and easily keep myself in. It helps to have someone and for them to understand you. Its a gamechanger at my worst. Esp in this deep fear of social phobia im in at the moment. To have one connection is like having a life or not really at this stage.

I am absolutely terrified of my fears in getting new work and also making a choice to volounteer at charity warehouse opp shop place lol. I thought, this is a place rugs goes to and was my first thought when i was let go from my job (due to funding cuts). I thought, i wouldnt see him because he was doing the truck which was good, and that I could bring that confidence back up like a pickup - being around people and being useful and so on. I thought that was what i needed in order to get back the confidence for a new paying workplace. And rugs was quite helpful in encouraging me as i said i really needed a push. But, what I did was instead of start in early Dec, I left it. I felt unwell and full of anxiety and finding it hard to cope with xmas and everyday things as I was just too nervous and anxious and it was coming out in anxiety attacks constantly that i let it go for the new year instead. And now its the new year and I know i need to push myself. I just dont know if I will feel comfortable and okay there. Its different from my old work place where i had to take my own intiative and was loved being my own boss and hiding out and doing al the work - in this volounteer place its more of everyone has their place and its like everything i had learnt in my old job and the skills of 4 -5 years resembles nothing and to adhere to the old people at this new place instead. Its all old people lol. I guess i have a negative view on it. Its al open too and i feel so uncomfortable in going there. Its such a big deal for something not so much a big deal. And then the highlight of my parents worrying about me and wanting me to go out and work and everything. Its just alot of pressure on myself. I have always totally hated this social phobia - it can become a brickwall so hard if you leave it more and more. I had a history of not taking any risks - never approaching work - i didnt have the help from my parents either - so i live in shame for over a decade in my past. I know what its like to feel like this huge big block of fear that turns into a phobia. That leads to living in fear and shame that you dont even recognise it anymore, its just how you are.

When I was working and enjoying the other side of that, everything started to fall in place - my weight went, my confidence came. I started to realise that I wasnt the only person with these fears. I saw people that would volounteer at my work and not be able to talk and so on. They were worse than me in those respects but at least they went there and they tried it out. I wouldnt do that back in the day. But I know that I just need to not entertain those fears i have and try to see it for all my imagination in a positive way for this year.

Depression can be overcome in stages by giving yourself permission to entertain the idea that you can achieve what ever you put your mind and action to.

So in this journal I want to put my dreams on here for this year. Poke in around what i need in myself. Overcome my fears so i feel so much stable and better and be able to push my parts of my life im not happy with.

So in a 2 or so weeks i will likely be pushing myself to start at this volounteer place- which involves working with second hand stuff and lots of old people. I should be fine. Im just irrationally terrified lol.

Then I need to join this dissability job place that got me my job 4-5 years ago that made all the difference to me. They will get me another paid job and that will be another big scary thing to overcome but with help with rugs and my mum and the people there and myself and on here i hopefully will not back out and take it as it comes and try my best to stick at it.

I know that being my best involves me working on my self care - that is my golden ticket and helps me value myself so i can feel immune to anything going on around me - everything is at a much lesser drama when I take care of my personal needs and confidence.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
So mums subtly making me fear my weight. Sure ive put on weight, went thru a tough time and burnt out and then after that two years of severe stress, sure the depression sunk in along with the burnout and that is what happens because of the insulin raised and the emotional needs of comfort. I went from 55kg to 79kg now. In a short time. I just really dont like my mother digging in little ways like hiding my vegan protein bars in the cupboard because she thinks ill eat them all, besides i bought them myself is beside her point. Or asking me if Id like to go to the gym whilst she does her swimming. She doesnt realise this does horrors to my bdd and self esteem. Its not like my wieght is very noticable. If you knew me before, sure you would notice it- but i still look healthy and normal weight really. And wearing a cardigan in summer makes a lean trick. But the thing is my bdd surfaces when i wonder what I actually look like and not trust the mirror when my mum suggests these things and I can go in a fearsome spiral of wondering in the back of my mind. But I think it is just her worry and her fear that i am going to be that over 80kg and 90kg once again. And sure its a huge shock to me, its like winning the lottery and then loosing it and having to win it again is what it feels. Your whole body image changes, your identity changes and you have to make it a thing to change it back which is alot of energy. The feeling though of not having to go through these safety habits that you do when your a bit overweight. I am shocked to think how much I put on weight, but i have to be kind and honest to myself and realise where it came from and how marvelous my body is in helping itself through the tough times. Its just sucks a bit to not be able to fit in your normal clothes and have had to buy new clothes that are a larger. When I felt i was done with all that as I had no addictions left with food and felt completely free and happy and could eat what i wanted in my own lifestyle and not even think about putting on weight. Until I started with rugs and had to go home to eat back int he day on a limited time and it just carried my good habits away. I ended up eating the processed stuff and always trying to go back to my own stuff but didnt have the energy nor the time half the time. And it all went into this depressive anxious craziness of his craziness and my breakdowns of it all of sucj high stress that I faulted and ended up after some time binging on things i didnt even like in order to punish myself of all the frustration because i couldnt send it back to him. But now its all out in the open and i can finally breath and im not his side kick and im my independent self but with him for company when ever i choose like for a film or a walk. But im not emotionally attatched because he never really is as he is for him first and so i just dont give myself at all anymore, i draw the sand there. And now he is keenly aware of my downpours on him and the selfish crazy person i say he was and still is, in a kind way of course for myself and to him. I now say what I want and when it has slowly led me to not beat myself up and keep in all this toxic emotional pain that i had been doing. It was so unfair and the codependence and fear of loneliness and other fears that led me to be like that, im half way to acknowledge it all. Now im just having to dust myself off and forge my way back to feeling good about myself and its quite hard when everyone around you sees a different you to who you want to be to who you once were. My mum sees fears of the old me and its quite alot of energy to detatch myself from that as well as schizophrenic rugs. Thats the thing even when all that 'stuff' with rugs is done and dusted and he is tip toeing around me on my terms, there are still his immature views of the world from what someone with his illness can gather and its such a lonely world for me to detatch myself from that, and such a cringe worthy thing too as i worry his views will end up making me crazy too with the same beliefs despite my sanity.
 
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