Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

grapevine

Well-known member
not been well last few days this week last week. Feel like im living a nightmare. Had to deal with my body going crazy in violent fits of anxiety and most nights i cant sleep. Then there is the crying everyday. Its just a thing now. But you know I dust myself off and so on. Ive applied to volunteer at a second had store - a large shed one. I had to go this morning to say hello. Rugs pushed me into it because I told him I needed to to be pushed as i feared going back to intense social phobia and agoraphobia real quick. Because I lost my job (they hadnt the money anymore to pay me). So new things are happening, but i just cannot relax and I'm overweight and feel out of control lately with binges like some ocd or something and last time that put me into a real pit for years. I cant believe I am 80 kg and was 55kg for ages. Nothing fits me and all my self esteem seems eroded. I feel unhealthy and unhappy and feel like i am living in my fears. I feel also like nothing is sustainable in motivation for me atm , like I need a huge rest. I keep having these breakdown everyday lately, bursts of crying and anxiety, hyperventilating because I feel like im in the fear i feared and its shocking and painful and i havent an idea of where i am and mental energy anymore.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
So I havent been on here in a while. Id just felt so drained of even expressing myself lately. And at the moment, I just feel like I need to strip back everything in my life right now and get back to feeling calm and centred and into a sense of control on my health and deplete my stress levels. Im not liking myself at the moment. I stress myself out over it. Rugs is still in my life, but much more understanding than he ever ever was. He's actually grown so much and beckons to anything he thinks may upset me. Hes busy doing all this stuff whilst im just trying to float above groun within my own self right now and not at all into relationships. Yet he is still here and is a real shoulder often for me to be a best friend even though he has his illness, i guess he can say the same for me too. But I cant help want so much more and you know- that all plagues me. I just cant deal with all those feelings of not being in the same place as him emoitionally and just kind of slow everything down. Thats all I can do and its all fine. Just that overtime, within myself I feel like ive turned back into that non-sexual ugly and obese agoraphobic girl I used to be wearing rags and hiding from people. Acting all without much slef love at all and ignoring my feminity. I just feel like, since ive put on all this weight over time from all the intense stress and burnout Id been through, that its completely made me feel stressed about myself and out of control with my own body and its not a nice feeling. Im happy though that Ive been reading up on things to heal myself. I mean I have candida and adreanal fatigue and they both put weight on. I feel like I canttake any form of sugar anymore- my blood sugar is all over the place and my body aches of the slightest exercise and chores, and im always so bloated. Its all a huge challenge. Id been having anxiety attacks even been around rugs a few times because I just feel gross in my own skin. I just cant believe my weight at the moment. And what is weird is that Im the same wieght I was once upon a time, yet I dont look the same - like I dont look 'big; like I did then and that is because its stress and adrenal fatigue weight which goes on the back and the arms and tummy - on my small frame, it hides well- but simple things like wearing just a tshirt for me is challenging because i get stressed out cause everything is so tight now. I jsut cant believe it. I was a xs and now prob a large.
But anyway, I need to tone every amount of stress right down and going to try special breathing exercises, start taking huge green juices every morning and cut out most fructose and any forms of high sugar foods in my diet, get back to eating my natural fats in my diet again - I tried going to fruit as my main source of calories last week in a ditch to try and heal myself but ended up feeling quite unwell. People talk about oil not being good for you, but I eat hempseed cold pressed oil in my salad- only a tspn to a tblspn, or avocado oil- and I avocados, tahini etc.. If I think back, when I felt the very best and in control of my internal health- and was lean and energetic not that long ago, my main source of calories was fat and i think that serves me. Some people can go all fruit on a vegan mainly raw diet, but I guess im the fats version.

I just really want to get well. I want to eat my greens and bounce back. I feel also, lacking in self love. I feel annoyed at my previous boss for being disrespectful to me for so long and having to deal with that every week that i worked there - i felt completely neglected because I was and I would still work my heart out and even when every week they didnt want to know me- just stuck me in a room with nothing to do - because they didnt know what they were doing, and made their business fail because they couldnt be bothered seeing me as someone that was helping - and everyone else. I cant believe they just sent me a letter in the mail telling me they couldnt afford me anymore and let me go and yet move to a huge $$ over sized office they dont need all that space and then also move thier shop to a giant shed (something I got excited about in conversation to them) and with no warning, no discussion, no goodbyes, no thankus in person- they just send me a letter telling me my services were up because of finances etc. They get funding and they spend it all on luxury for themselves in things they dont need and then get funding again for a larger shed for their shop and then rely on trying to find some volounteers to run the whole thing and neglect it all again. They have treated everyone so neglectfully. And then, in the end, I wasnt an acception.

I guess I just have grievences there. But they are setting themselves up to fail anyways. But it was the place before it all changed, was a huge gamechanger for me in terms of really almost curing my social phobia, agora phobia, anxiety, low self esteem, phobia of men, the list goes on. I went from so many years of my whole 20s never working because i was stuck in those phobias so bad. I got pushed out of that and found out that all owrks of life were working and didnt feel threatened. It was a space for me to feel safe and the fact that I felt useful and was getting paid was a huge thing for me. Like a huge thing. I felt a weight had lifted and I always put in 100 or more percent and loved it all. The role and feeling confidence because I actually had a job - something I thought I could never do because of my social phobia. It opened so much for me. Being in a safe place, having structure in my week, being around people, using my creativity, and listening to my needs inside of what I needed to bring myself self love and confidence, i worked so hard on those things and it made everything, my world change into this moment by moment bright daily thing where I had gotten out of the old muddy fat nothing i was before. And into this beutiful life of my own. I was in control and everything just kept getting better. But I guess the moment back then, when I rugs came into it and i gave him my power in my life rather than myself because i didnt know any better and nether did he, thats when things went right down and down and I basically self abused myself but putting myself last and him first and he just went with that. Then finding his schizo illness and freaking out over and over again - getting sick from it all. Like really sick - all that stress so many times I thought I was going to have a brain clot or something as all the pressure - the never ending stress was so bad and then work changed into neglect and different location and was never the same again. The only way to get energy was to push myself when I really couldnt even do that and I ended up just doing that to survive all the time. And now im actually for once able to have that rest and that reflection and calm down and its like a shock to see how bad my health got and all and how bad things like digestion is because of stress. Just so many things. Im not deep in adrenal fatigue so much now - not like I was before where I needed most days a week in bed in recovery from work and even going anywhere.
Now I just feel so anxious still though because im overweight, my health is all over the place and i feel my bdd and low self esteem gone up from it all. Im going to be starting to volounteer where rugs works soon and im nervous of that. Im also nervous about a bit later when Im ready like in jan or feb - going back to a job agency and getting a new job somewhere - since my let go- my income isnt the same and working has so many benefits but im anxious about my health and being able to cope withthe energy levels - and my self esteem and anxiety levels and being overweight and all those things.
Im giving myself leeway to work on it all but its just a bit depressing.
Since ive stopped working - ive not known what day of the week it is and things like that. But in contrast ive had time to do those things at home ive been wanting to do like my garden and cleaning and so on, and having that me time to relax and get back to myself and start a new chapter - first with my health and tso on.
I feel like the the work I had before, they never saw my value and in the end threw me away. And theres an element to that, that after all tha work and all that emotional adjustment from thier unmanagability, all the stress and so on - i just know that they have thier own stuff coming thier own way. They dig holes for themselves anyways.
 
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grapevine

Well-known member
Had an argument with rugs. Well, i thought it was just normal talking with me being assertive and explaining in no way at all threatening or so. It started when I got a bit of a shock when he mentioned he still does ice drugs. And me, all I was doing was in a compassionate and calm way explaining that I was against it in my values and explaining the bad things it does to a person's body - esp reguarly long term. And he took things way over the top and stormed out the car when we parked and drove himself home and swore at me really angrily. There was no warning. And it was just an adult conversation in a different in opinions. Later, after I had a shock from it and an anxiety attack of all things. He rang and I hang up. Then later he ended up talking on the messenger phone. What turned from me explaining myself once again and that I was explaining that he isnt seeing it from my feelings at all and im seeing things compassionate to him. I said if your in a relationship with someone (and we are- even tho i dont really want to be), your world becomes thiers - and if that person is doing hard drugs- and its completely against your values and everything else. I even explained the chemicals and me having a slight chemical sensitivity and my highest value being health and so on. And he takes everything deeply sensitive to him and not one inch from my perspective. He verbally and aggressively attacks me. Insults me full on as tho Ive been doing the same and I hadnt at all. He was rambling like some school yard low self esteem child - talking himself up like (drunk like) and his family and putting me down and my family. It was quite shocking, and its really frustrating. But you know I have a right to call things out and I did - I made him reflect in how he was acting. But being someone with schizophrenia, it was severely disturbing to see him acting so little like that. I mean full verbal attack on me when I was being nice to him. And its one of the first times he has done that. But I always have to be the higher person and it sux. Ive never considered him a bf- but he wants me as a partner because im sure if I werent - he would be quite ill and not cope. And he helps me with my phobias. But having someone belittle me head on, was not nice when all I was doing was calling out drugs on him. Im so tired of having instances in my life of abuse and people thinking less than me. The amount of giving I do for him and disregarding things not putting my own things first (tho im getting better at it). Its very draining. He has no clue. Well - he is starting to and he has had to change. But tonight showed me that he cannot respect me at all just for having a genuine adult concern. And above all hasnt the ability to think beyond his own feelings in things - perhaps maybe after a few days he may. But its just not fair at all on me. Having to put up with things like him not having any money all that all the time and not being able to do things - his smoking and his illness. I have to give and give. He cant take me out. He just hangs around and expects me to do the lead. Eventually what has happened, is I just gave up. I burnt myself out and now im getting better. I just add him to my things. Like i will got to the beach to get some free plants for my garden and hell tag along. That sort of thing. Whats the point of me putting in the effort if he cant. I would do so so mcuh and it was like I was his personal tour guide or something back then. I had so much resentment and learnt the hard way.
But for him to talk like he did to me tonight and knowing his mind is so demented and childlike - gosh its so frustrating but it gets personal when you get verbally abused at your face.
 

lily

Well-known member
Also, I just thought about this..

So when you actually get to a conversation with someone your own age and stuff - and then find that when they ask you about your life- it feels uncomfortable. Like you dont stack up- like youve treated yourself , your life poorly, like your not worthy of that question.
Your not exciting blah, blah..

I think that is the feelings I get.
i think it's more of a getting to know people who are like-minded. Then they won't think you're boring. Sorry that happened to you. i feel like i don't fit in sometimes too bc there are certain things other people are talking about that i don't like to talk about or know what they're talking about but when I'm w/ someone who's like-minded we click. oh i didn't notice i just quoted your past post LOL!
 

lily

Well-known member
My utmost thoughts are that you shouldn't be with rugs anymore. it's abusive and unfair. it just has to happen. but you should explain it nicely. you would realize that when that happens your life lightens up and you made the right decision and hopefully you'll find those in your life out there and there should be plenty of course as long as you're out there, that are non-abusive.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
Thanks : )

Its silly really, but he has all those issues with cognitive problems so entrenched in him that he doesnt know what he is doing most of the time. All he knows is that he has moulded his life onto mine. That was the first time he had ever gotten mad at me before. I just couldnt take it like the whole stress of being in a relationship or a friendship with a person with schizophrenia and thier cognitive issues from doing drugs, it does put me in such a drained and depressed situation. Ive felt like ive lost myself but at the same time I just stay in the situation I am in because its not all bad, its company and when ive said I cant do girlfriend, he respects me. But, he cant let go of that idea. He has to have me as his girlfriend, despite me saying I cant do it and so on. So I just dont have the energy and jsut go with it wihtout having to be the girlfriend much at all. Its depressing to have a very close and probably codependent relationship with a person that cannot be responsibile for himself and cant question his behaviour and does weird things and all that. Its so much stress and I cant say it hasnt made me very ill. But he is a dear friend at the same time but also an idiot and a selfishly blind one because of his illness and drug habit. The thing that makes me depressed is thinking that at my age of now 36, I shouldnt be investing my time with a guy like him that cant see anything wrong with drugs, has no money and is not someone i want a family with. But ive got social phobia, i have no one else and dont have the energy and esteem to go out and get new friends and so on and he helps pull me out of my phobia and make me feel better. I enjoy the company. But there is always a pain to things he does that knocks my sanity and stresses me out. He doesnt know basic things a 10 year old may know often and planning things like food,money etc - he finds hard to do. I mean he does those things but there are always situations everyday where he finds it hard to be responsible. And the lack of ability to concentrate on anything written or even have a conversation - hell ring me up and not be able to start a conversation - so its just me talking and him on the computer. Hell even put me on speaker phone and i had to tell him off because i was talking to him not knowing i was being broadcast with his family present. He is a very lonely guy and puts me on a pedastool in his life as though i am his life and its made me quite depressed. But having conversations after his outburst he realised he had been smouldering me and i couldnt be myself as an independent person. Someone with his condition has to make conscious efforts to try and think of someone else's feelings as it just doesnt come naturally ( i mean his condition). He has ingrained beliefs that most people think like him and about him kind of thing. Even when he tells me these things and says them out loud he can see the ridiculous in them but still feel those beliefs. It's weird. Anyways, he is impulsive - can be impulsive with his thoughts if he feels he is being threatened by some bit of assertiveness. An adult conversation that is in disagreement with something can be him having to defend himself like a schoolboy without me even raising my voice of anything judgemental. Anyways, he has difficulty planning things, difficulty seeing himself and how he behaves to another person from thier point of view. So he doesnt realise that he may think this is a serious relationship - but its not for me, he is a child and wont give up his drugs and thinks his videos of him and his friend -that they can make a recording for $1000 of their heavy metal jams and then fly out from australia to los angeles and get famous. This is his thoughts, im sure his friend just laughs at it and goes with him on it. I had to tell him the other day that he cant just go to my house and film my backyard and then put that on youtube for the world to see without asking me. Hes response was that there were 0 views, my response was that wasnt the point. Everywhere i go with him, he weirdly has to film with his phone- in the car, where we go for walks, conversations in the car (when I dont even realise he is filming) - he will put it all on youtube without any editing - just about everything he puts on there. Even where he volounteers. Hell go up the stairs of a shed warehouse of the opp shop and film the shop from the secret security window without asking and put that on youtube, or film the furniture van backing up to him - its all weird and so frustrating he doesnt ask and just the meaning of doing these things? The world to him makes sense with alot of ego safety behaviour and its just so stressful for me. Im at a stage where I just let it go, because I cannot control. Im just trying to concentrate on myself these days. Im not playing his girlfriend but I am his friend when I need a friend. Ive had a very lonely life in my past so it is a tonic for me. But ive been really amping the assertiveness and boundaries and its quite upsetting the whole situation, but i am just trying to get out of depression and anxiety and try to remember myself as an independent person and really care for myself first before thinking about all the weirdness and pain from his end. Trying to re-find my pwn passions and so on. I will say that he has been like he wants to live my life because he lacks the abilty to live one himself because of his brain issues. Anyways.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
Wake up this morning. I know i write bad routes in my mind on here and like i hate and so on. But its a stress that I get out. I started crying this morning because for weeks rugs has said he will help me and my mum get my two pet sheep ready to be shawn for the shearer. It means we have to coax them out from where they usually sit and try to trap them and its quite hard. My dad wont be around to help so he agreed. Yesterday afternoon we went out to gully to get some celery weeds for them that they love to be able to do so. This shearer comes at 11-12, so its like 9 and I get a message from rugs saying hes going over his friends place and he wants to see the sheep shawn, but if not he just wants to have a good morning and he wont be far away- what ever that means. What im saying is this is classic him, someone you cannot rely on. He was supposed to be here in the morning from 9;30- 10 so he could help me and my mum - but that has just fled his mind and all he thinks about is him watching the shearing for himself (he hasnt seen it done before) and not actually helping us. So once again, i have to be upset and disappointed - a person i give to even wehn i dont want to and when it comes to him to step up, he doesnt even know he is supposed to - even when its clear. I found that out when he yelled at me for the first time the other week, that it was so hard for him to see anything in my view in compassion - as if he just was clinically unable to or something. The amount of hurt it gives me with things as though to say to myself im not worthy. But really its prob worse when he does step up to the plate. Idk, all i know is he puts his own impulses of pleasure in first priority than planned responsibilities and hasnt the ability to not do that. What I need to stop doing is internalising things, hurting myself because of a person that cant be respectful and stop giving my respect to them. Its really hard to feel like youve ben kicked inthe stomach, you feel hollow because you do all this stuff and put up with this stuff and one lift from that person doesnt equate. Theres no balance and it makes me into this dipping of resentment and an apathetic being. Esp to myself.
 
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lily

Well-known member
I'd say video-taping you and him in places you go to or that you don't even know it at times and then posting it on facebook is really a big deal. i think you should outweigh the pros and cons of the relationship. if he's more of a negative person to be around then you should consider breaking it off as tough as that sounds. it must feel bad that you got ditched on the plan. A little tip though, could you paragraph your text so it's easier to read unless you don't care if anyone reads it or not. thanks :)
 

Sacrament

Well-known member
You think it's better to have him around because it's better than being alone, but it's not. All he does is poison your life. But you've always known this, and since that won't change until he's out of your life, my guess is it will never change because you don't want him out of your life.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
Im writing this morning with a massive migraine finally seeing signs of departing. It was 40 C degrees yesterday and a warm night i spent watching the end of Rivendale on Netflix - a modern take on the Archie comics. Its not that great a show but it was something to get into whilst not being able to sleep.

I used to write in here my heart out and I dont do that much often anymore. But I know that I need to. And I need to because I need to grow the parts of myself I neglect and forget. Those parts of me that have turned into a wilted plant, this year I want to nurture and resurface those things.
I feel the last few years everything turned so dark and nasty in my mind and in my life. I was absolutely crippled in so many ways that Im surprised I am still intact and not a total wreck.

So now in 2019, and I started to write in here in 2015! It feels like 2015/2016 was just yesterday as that was such a life-changing time for me that I will never forget and writing on here was such a building exercise for me on my life. I cherish that time so badly that it actually causes me to feel depressed in my life now because I havent those things i had then.

And so in 2019, I havent a job anymore, im overweight and dont feel those confidence and positive self identity I did then (in 15/16), i dont have great health I did then, i dont have a circle of regular people i see every week (collegues) a place i feel safe and happy to build on myself and my confidence. I actually feel a sweep of depression. I feel like i used to feel. When you have a huge history in your life of dead lonliness and such low self esteem that create anchors and memories - and have to really try to fight to not let those things entertain your thoughts. Thinking that your going to end up like you were before etc. Its actually quite frightening.

I have these deep inner nasty beliefs that there are patterns in my life and im riding the downward one again and its all in relation to similar dates in my life such as 1996, 2006, 2016 .. those were best years. In contrast to 1998, 2008, 2018.. I really need to loose this belief as it prevents me acting on positive changes due to not believing in myself.


I like to be dead truthful on here. Its a place I can say im not in a great space right now, but its a place i can conjure up courage and improve on it all.

I keep rugs in my life as ive been more and more assertive and its more a friendship with alot of space now. Nothing is as huge a burden as it once was. I be honest and upfront with him and i did that being in a space where i just didnt care anymore what i said. And, he understands more now. Being it quite a sad friendship, but its a means for me to not be that person all by myself that i once were for over a decade and easily keep myself in. It helps to have someone and for them to understand you. Its a gamechanger at my worst. Esp in this deep fear of social phobia im in at the moment. To have one connection is like having a life or not really at this stage.

I am absolutely terrified of my fears in getting new work and also making a choice to volounteer at charity warehouse opp shop place lol. I thought, this is a place rugs goes to and was my first thought when i was let go from my job (due to funding cuts). I thought, i wouldnt see him because he was doing the truck which was good, and that I could bring that confidence back up like a pickup - being around people and being useful and so on. I thought that was what i needed in order to get back the confidence for a new paying workplace. And rugs was quite helpful in encouraging me as i said i really needed a push. But, what I did was instead of start in early Dec, I left it. I felt unwell and full of anxiety and finding it hard to cope with xmas and everyday things as I was just too nervous and anxious and it was coming out in anxiety attacks constantly that i let it go for the new year instead. And now its the new year and I know i need to push myself. I just dont know if I will feel comfortable and okay there. Its different from my old work place where i had to take my own intiative and was loved being my own boss and hiding out and doing al the work - in this volounteer place its more of everyone has their place and its like everything i had learnt in my old job and the skills of 4 -5 years resembles nothing and to adhere to the old people at this new place instead. Its all old people lol. I guess i have a negative view on it. Its al open too and i feel so uncomfortable in going there. Its such a big deal for something not so much a big deal. And then the highlight of my parents worrying about me and wanting me to go out and work and everything. Its just alot of pressure on myself. I have always totally hated this social phobia - it can become a brickwall so hard if you leave it more and more. I had a history of not taking any risks - never approaching work - i didnt have the help from my parents either - so i live in shame for over a decade in my past. I know what its like to feel like this huge big block of fear that turns into a phobia. That leads to living in fear and shame that you dont even recognise it anymore, its just how you are.

When I was working and enjoying the other side of that, everything started to fall in place - my weight went, my confidence came. I started to realise that I wasnt the only person with these fears. I saw people that would volounteer at my work and not be able to talk and so on. They were worse than me in those respects but at least they went there and they tried it out. I wouldnt do that back in the day. But I know that I just need to not entertain those fears i have and try to see it for all my imagination in a positive way for this year.

Depression can be overcome in stages by giving yourself permission to entertain the idea that you can achieve what ever you put your mind and action to.

So in this journal I want to put my dreams on here for this year. Poke in around what i need in myself. Overcome my fears so i feel so much stable and better and be able to push my parts of my life im not happy with.

So in a 2 or so weeks i will likely be pushing myself to start at this volounteer place- which involves working with second hand stuff and lots of old people. I should be fine. Im just irrationally terrified lol.

Then I need to join this dissability job place that got me my job 4-5 years ago that made all the difference to me. They will get me another paid job and that will be another big scary thing to overcome but with help with rugs and my mum and the people there and myself and on here i hopefully will not back out and take it as it comes and try my best to stick at it.

I know that being my best involves me working on my self care - that is my golden ticket and helps me value myself so i can feel immune to anything going on around me - everything is at a much lesser drama when I take care of my personal needs and confidence.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
So mums subtly making me fear my weight. Sure ive put on weight, went thru a tough time and burnt out and then after that two years of severe stress, sure the depression sunk in along with the burnout and that is what happens because of the insulin raised and the emotional needs of comfort. I went from 55kg to 79kg now. In a short time. I just really dont like my mother digging in little ways like hiding my vegan protein bars in the cupboard because she thinks ill eat them all, besides i bought them myself is beside her point. Or asking me if Id like to go to the gym whilst she does her swimming. She doesnt realise this does horrors to my bdd and self esteem. Its not like my wieght is very noticable. If you knew me before, sure you would notice it- but i still look healthy and normal weight really. And wearing a cardigan in summer makes a lean trick. But the thing is my bdd surfaces when i wonder what I actually look like and not trust the mirror when my mum suggests these things and I can go in a fearsome spiral of wondering in the back of my mind. But I think it is just her worry and her fear that i am going to be that over 80kg and 90kg once again. And sure its a huge shock to me, its like winning the lottery and then loosing it and having to win it again is what it feels. Your whole body image changes, your identity changes and you have to make it a thing to change it back which is alot of energy. The feeling though of not having to go through these safety habits that you do when your a bit overweight. I am shocked to think how much I put on weight, but i have to be kind and honest to myself and realise where it came from and how marvelous my body is in helping itself through the tough times. Its just sucks a bit to not be able to fit in your normal clothes and have had to buy new clothes that are a larger. When I felt i was done with all that as I had no addictions left with food and felt completely free and happy and could eat what i wanted in my own lifestyle and not even think about putting on weight. Until I started with rugs and had to go home to eat back int he day on a limited time and it just carried my good habits away. I ended up eating the processed stuff and always trying to go back to my own stuff but didnt have the energy nor the time half the time. And it all went into this depressive anxious craziness of his craziness and my breakdowns of it all of sucj high stress that I faulted and ended up after some time binging on things i didnt even like in order to punish myself of all the frustration because i couldnt send it back to him. But now its all out in the open and i can finally breath and im not his side kick and im my independent self but with him for company when ever i choose like for a film or a walk. But im not emotionally attatched because he never really is as he is for him first and so i just dont give myself at all anymore, i draw the sand there. And now he is keenly aware of my downpours on him and the selfish crazy person i say he was and still is, in a kind way of course for myself and to him. I now say what I want and when it has slowly led me to not beat myself up and keep in all this toxic emotional pain that i had been doing. It was so unfair and the codependence and fear of loneliness and other fears that led me to be like that, im half way to acknowledge it all. Now im just having to dust myself off and forge my way back to feeling good about myself and its quite hard when everyone around you sees a different you to who you want to be to who you once were. My mum sees fears of the old me and its quite alot of energy to detatch myself from that as well as schizophrenic rugs. Thats the thing even when all that 'stuff' with rugs is done and dusted and he is tip toeing around me on my terms, there are still his immature views of the world from what someone with his illness can gather and its such a lonely world for me to detatch myself from that, and such a cringe worthy thing too as i worry his views will end up making me crazy too with the same beliefs despite my sanity.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
Haven't been on here in a while. I've been in a life without a mojo for some time. I've been volunteering twice a week at a big secondhand store and thats been going fine. Been there for about 3-4 weeks now and its enjoyable. Altho I could go and find work at the moment, i need no pressure and so on and just thought this was a good stepping stone to getting back and easing into it all. That a volounteering laid back place was my ticket to concentrate on getting back into shape and concentrate on myself rather than anything else. Concentrate on getting my mojo back, my self esteem and identity and self care etc. Because before this month I was binge eating so bad and it got so bad that i hit bottom about it and changed my ways and am happy that its been almost a month soon eating only wholefoods and no processed stuff. It certainly makes a difference in my mentality and how i feel overall. Im a bit more sensitve to processed foods as the way ive eaten over the years and so can easily get into an addicted and physically ill state thats its really a big cycle. So im happy ive stopped that and that im voounteering a few days a week and making my mark. But i havent exactly been concentrating on making my goals priority yet and really been just needing to sleep and have shallow days with rugs and not touch mentally and physically what i need to- draining myself and not actually trying to make a pathway in mind that says - yes thats what i will do and stick to. Its more of, i just need to not think about anything instead lol. And thats okay, after all mindfulness and meditation works for a reason in which ever way you attempt it - even when your body screams for it.

Im just so tired of feeling drained and not living up to my basic expectations and i have to realise, hey I had adrenal fatigue- i burnt myself out the last two years and was in contact with someone with a phyiscally toxic lifestyle and all the stress that came with all that- and the toxic workplace i was in too. I had to work through it all- it burnt me out that i couldnt rely on good old adrenalin much anymore and would feel like a cripple needing a wheelchair and my body falling apart literally. And im so grateful that i just had to be ultra-assertive and just had to put myself to work in my bed - ie rest and more rest and just give up on things for a while. Tho in doing so i put on so much weight and partly due to not moving much, and to adrenalin/cortisol issues and alot to do with the binge eating i did. I went from losing weight in 2015 from 80 so kg to 55-52 kg and feeling great with boundless energy and strength and out of my shell. to now going back from cause and effect of rugs and the swirl around from end of 2017 to now and im over 80 kg and just cant believe it as i was deep into my love of eating what i wanted in fruits and veg and guilty pleasures not so bad back then - nothing was wrong and everything was right. I had freed myself from the woes of modern living and the health issues that come with that and was all in - until rugs and all these shortcuts to not sit and eat my tea and make it and be in a hurry and all that and then later all the emotional robbery it felt at the time having to deal with someone with extreme illness like that. It truely broke my health and i feel so grumpy towards that. Its not fair but ultimately i am responsible. I just kick myself. Now tho, ive had a decent rest for the last 4 months esp since i finished work. Its helped. And pushing my boundaries too. But I still have a dominace of rugs over me. Hes in a rough spot so i just let things be. Talking to my therapist she says to me that he is my familiar and i guess that is true. And its just something i go through. Sometimes we live small and it brings out pockets of anger and resentment but its really that we are too scared to change our situation because the loss is too greater than putting up with stuff. When really its actually an adventure and freedom and living in truth that is much better. But when it involves another person that needs you it really can suck. You know you arent doing them justice and its a huge stress and at the same time your filling thier gap too. Its a hard space to be and ive come to just let go now. I act how i want with rugs. I tell him what i want and i dont care so much about hurting his feelings as i need to be me. And having that pressure off of letting go does help because i dont need to control it. What i am doing is being so much assertive that its become second nature - something i thought id never do lol. And as im doing this, im showing who i am and gaining some respect. And as time goes by over time, the truth may come out. But only when there is a common ground. I really am just trying my hardest to distance myself but it is quite hard. But im not sevrely stressed by it like i was all the last few years. That completely left me a wreck i couldnt even breath properly. My therapist and i agreed that the more i build on myself and start to go out and find other people and friends by joining things (i know this is something a person with SP doesnt do and fears greatly..) that there will be more a balance and ill be able to take on the identity of who i feel i am inside and value myself more in the public eye- it will encourage me more to get out. What im saying is when my really only social contact is rugs at this point and its quite excessive and dominated by him knowing too much about me and his mentality of things - with his values and lifestyle completely different from mine - it makes me scream and need so much space because i cant stand going agaist what i beleive in and having an idendity that isnt what i feel i am inside just because of this. But im working on it : )
 

grapevine

Well-known member
So this is where im at in 2019. I need to vent but i feel so judging of myself and ashamed as i know in the past the relationship issues i vented on here were so obvious of what i needed to do and yet it just didn't happen. Well for a short term anyway.

Im thick in the female pms at the moment and in this time each month everything seems to feel so out of hand. I feel so trapped and stuck in this draining and time wasting part of my life, right at this point.

So the thing is that rugs is still with me. After all that ive been thru I feel utterly sorry for him. I realise and see through him more than the first year i got to know him. Back then he had some backbone a bit, he had a sense of self more and energy and a bit more of a life. But now, he's more a shell of himself. And of course, we all know what that feels like. I feel the same too.

So his schizophrenia symptoms are basically the positive ones. No drive or motivation to do even the smallest of things. He needs prompting for basic things often. But makes efforts to consciously remember if ive spoken up about it in a major way. I mean he does have things he does. But basic standards of hygiene and keeping a place tidy, able to remember things and keep up with stuff - are things he just cant do really. And he doesnt realise it. His sister does his pension forms for him and yet she has schizophrenia too. But he is a bit worse in that he just is unable to deal with that sort of stuff.

So the thing is im still his girlfriend, even though any feelings i ever had that were romantic went flying out the door back in 2016 and 17 and now. Every avenue for me to try and find something to excite or get me happy with him has failed. Its been all my work and me lifting the finger that i just gave up and cant be bothered. Im sure this is part of his depression - unconsciously. But he cant give to me at all. And so many things are repelling and so so draining. For me, this time of the month I am so angry in outburst towards it all. Its all mainly repressed as to not hurt his feelings. Because i can see he is depressed and very lonely and his self esteem not to good and really desperate for company. If i end it - i mean being his girlfriend- it will hurt him and it will also be weird. Because this is an unhealthy codependency. Its on both ends.

Being a person with social phobia i struggle to be social and find people. I just avoid it all really. Esp when im not my best. My therapist called rugs my familair. And that pretty much sums it up. Imagine being alone for most of your life. With social phobia and thinking youd never get a boyfriend and friends and so on because you couldnt even go out because of your low self worth. Imagine that forgood parts of 15 years. Then a guy comes along and is social with you everyday, for 3 years. And i mean every single day. Be it 3 phone calls and texts each day and a visit too. Even when you are down and not getting out of bed. A person who knows just about everything about you now and will listen to you. Thats what rugs is for me. But at the same time he is also someone i dont consider being boyfriend worthy for me. I feel like i deserve so much better. Because he is someone who doesnt intiate anything in his life let alone other people. If you want a present for your bday or him to recognise it, you have to remind him and tell him what you would like - in his less than $5 budget of course. He has no money. He gets a low pension and spends it all on bills and money owed for cigarettes within 2 days. The rest of the time he goes without or borrowing from family. So to go anywhere with him means no money. Or he has to plan for it, be it a basic thing like him taking me for a drive to a nearby town or something.

What im saying is that i have to be the one extending a hand and expecting nothing but his loyalty in return. There isnt much else. He cant initiate things so hell come over and its up to me to find things to do because he cant do that. And he expand his world either. And going over his place means i have to clean it because his room gets so dirty. The dog wees there and i have to clean it up properly because he cant do that - and for me to be over there and tolerate it - i have to be in control of it. His place stinks so bad of stuffy tobacco and dog wees and dog smell. It never goes. And he is so unhygengic in so many ways. Wearing the same clothes over and over and every time he goes to bed leaving his clothes on his dirty floor. And wears sweaty clothes from the days before. His car stinks so bad of tobacco. He would smoke in there unbeknown to me and i used to get sick so bad each time i was in that car - and i didnt know till later he was smoking in it. So for him to take his car and actually take me out for once - means ive got to clean his car because he wouldnt be able to do it in a way that would be propely done so i wouldnt get that sick sitting in it. And even tho he says he doesnt smoke in it anymore- even going near the window is a heated warm smell of very strong stuffy tobacco and hairspray and men's deodorant. It never goes away. Hes one of those people that has so much tobacco leaves spread everywhere. At the same time he reapplys hairspray so many times a day even before he goes to bed because he likes to do his hair that everything he touches has laquer and tobacco in thick residue all over the place - handles and driving wheels and mouses etc. Because of his condition, very basic things like looking after himself in just about most ways are like too much for him. He has limited concentration levels. Is hard to sit through movies and shows most of the time and has 4 or more cigarette breaks in between. He hasnt goals and the ability to even think of the future much. Well until I told him to.

Im always giving to him and not getting much if anything in return, other than someone who listens and loves me and will always hang out with me. I got angry on valentines day as I was trying to make a point the months leading up to it to him. I thought it would be a good thing to show him how little he gives to me and reflect that on a relationship and how unfair. Its a bit immature. I know better. But it took me getting viscious and telling him that he was having a good valentines at his mates place. So he cancelled to see me. And then i let it rip and told him online what i thought. When he saw me that day he pocketed out a vegan chocolate bar and some tiny health food packets. But the point is, this is not someone a girl can rely on. Its someone you have to care for and be the all practical doing everything and expect nothing really in return. Its very draining. Esp when you go instagram or facebook or youtube and see all the pictures of himself he loads on them. Same selfies 30 at a time in the same position everyday going back months and even years. With wierd paranoia text of wanting to troll people. And him telling me how he is famous sometimes and he looks everyone up online and thinks they change thier pictures because of his. He thinks that is most likely than not. You think he has stopped all that and hes all quiet. He never really is able to talk - esp on the phone. Its just silence, so i have to fill in that and just talk to him because i know he cant really talk as its part of the illness. But then later and you see that he has indulged online and bringing out his old pictures again - self indulging in himself - to the max. So many pictures of himself. Thinking in his mind that people want these photos of him. Something like that.

He cant even eat properly. What kind of person goes and deep fries potatoes - making their own chips 5 days a week? For breakfast even. Thats basically what he bothers to cook and then doesnt eat much except processed foods like crisps and lollies. His diet is so bad. He is 34 years old. He smokes and drinks iced coffee many times a day. He looks haggard all the time with very little energy. The anti psychotic is partly to blame but his lifestyle choices are evil to his health. His dad died of a heart attack a year ago. If he is frying chips just about every day and smoking and drinking milk in large amounts - thats all plaque and narrowing of the arteries. He cant take hot or warm days. Sweats like someone with a fever and like he is going to collapse. He volounteers at a warehouse with people in thier 60s and they are fitter than him. And it tells me being around him and the toxic air around him has damaged my health and still does. My lungs always hurt. I cant stand saying something to him about how frying potatoes for most meals of the week is not good for him and suggesting other things. But it just get ignored. Thats what its like with him. I feel like im just company but its just shallow hearing with no talking to me. Anything ive done or said to him to help him has never really helped because he is unable to act on things. Even xmas presents with chocolates and all sorts of things he would like- he shoves it in a room and forgets about it until 4 months later. Talking about xmas. Last one it wasnt until 2 days before the day that he realised he had to get presents and because i had lots for him that id been doing for awhile. He felt embarressed. I deliberatly didnt remind him because it would mean something if he were able to do that himself. And you would think that theres enough xmas advertising to remind a person. So i had to take initiative and tell him to buy me a certain book at kmart for my xmas present. It sucked. No wrapping, no thought - just me holding his hands to do something for me.
 
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grapevine

Well-known member
All of this has been so hard to deal with. When someone is like a bum, you naturally want to help and fix them up. Its exciting to do.But what if they couldnt maintain that and just couldnt really do much for you in return. That for you had to put your stuff aside just to maintain things for them. It really sucks.

He is a nice guy tho. But an ill guy. His illness makes him unable to be responsible for himself. Meaning that the basics - he struggles with. And relys on people in his life to make him happy. Relys too much. This is a person so lonely and desperate that hell want to go grocery shopping with you- just to get out the house. At the same time has this mentality that he thinks he is a pyschopath and important and scary.

Ill always be his friend but its just very draining and very frustrating and agrivating to me that hes basically like a rag doll. Hell turn up and thats it. You gotta do the rest. Its like being a baby sitter. And he cant even see that i have to shrink for him, that he has nothing to offer me etc. Even bdays are something i have to remind him of. He owes me money too. That $100 for a concert a year ago he told me he would pay me back over time and never did. And more times for little things.
Anyways. All this and i still need a familiar.
 
So im feeling like i have no control over things and I get really upset when that happens. Im talking about my own things. So my little car since last year decided to not wind its electric windows anymore. And the quote was $500 for the 2 side windows, which was $1000 on top of my normal service, which i decided wasn't feasible for me and rather me slowly saving for a better car and just putting up with it was the option i chose. Esp since i did have some control as there is a trick i learnt only where you slam the door and press the button and it will go up and down. So there was some control. So I had that. And when it gets to 45 degrees Celsius here in the summer- having your window open is something that means your not baking in a sauna in your car of almost 60 C.
A year ago my dad decided to try and fix my window by lifting the interior of the car passenger door and working out how to fix it and not knowing a thing he was doing. Then he just left it like that and went on his never-ending lawn bowls days and nights. So after a good month or so i decided to try and put my car door interior back on and it was quite hard, but dad wasnt there despite him making the mess and pulling it apart. I put it back but forgot a certain screw that i couldnt jam in. So that window has been left that it just falls open when i drive with a jar of the screw i didnt put in. But at least i had control of the other window. But now today, my dad without asking decided to go and try to fix the good window side. And now i cant use my trick anymore. And it made me so frustrated and resentful and angry and upset. He didnt ask me and now im stuck with what ever he did that has stopped my control of my car window. And this comes as his car (which is idential model to mine as he decided to copy the same car i had years ago), has stopped working and rather than get a tow truck to come and take it to the repair shop, he thinks he can workout whats wrong and pull things out and replace them by taking things out my car motor and trying them on his. And he still hasnt fixed his despite ordering parts.

And rather than work on it still, he decides to work on his ukelele making hobby as his priority and leave his car alone. Which means like the other day, i had to make 6 trips back and forth to compensate for him as well as mum and wasnt compensated myself for the petrol as i had to go fill up after. As mum cant drive and dad decides to put himself first and his bowls and pokies and so on. And leave mum left at home which is 7 km from the township and she is deaf and cant drive. And she gets upset because she never can go out anywhere because dad doesnt take her anywhere and I have to be the one to take her out all the time, not just to the shops and so on but also have to try and encourage her to social things saying i dont mind. But what happens is i end up with alot on my plate and etching to be more independent and in the past it was a co dependency.
Today I was trying to clean the chicken house and needed my wheel barrow which mum got me for my bday years ago. But dad had been using it to make his lawn bowls foundation in the backyard and left it in the rain and over used it that I cant even use it anymore now. The handle is broken so basic things i need to use it for and i cant even use it. Its just so frustrating. But esp with the car window thing. I feel so powerless and like everybody just disrespects and takes from me, like i have no boundaries regarding respect for my things. And dad has a running track record of being disrespectful to me by thinking he knows what hes doing when he has no clue.

I just went in my car before and drove to the shops and then realised in the parking lot that i left my handbag at home that is always usually in my car but because dad borrowed the car this morning it means that i had to take it out. Arrghh im just so frustrated and feel powerless and upset. Frustrated. I feel depressed and like giving up for a while, just going in bed and not going anywhere- that car window was the tipping point. I dont want to go in my car now, knowing that i cant do my trick sends me feeling like so resentful.
 
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