Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

Why is it so hard to show a basis for your argument of sanity to someone insane? Well, I know why, and it's laughable.

Rugs will just not get it, will never get it. He wont leave me alone, is ultra nice to me and in person his excessive online weirdness creeps the hell out of me and stresses me out. I think, well I cant handle that, I need to back right away. And yet he is still there in my life in the front seat. So i feel angry because Im overly stressed, its like I have no control and I get angry at him for not being able to see how insane his and just blanataly not caring and doing all this weird stuff online knowing im going to see it. Even if he doesnt realise, but its an everyday stress for me.
I avoid him like the plague online because i cannot cope with all that. It creeps me out. I mean who takes 60 selfies in a row and uploads them- all looking the same - and does that 3 or more times a day? He even calls himself 'asmodel' i mean come on.. And then like he always does, digs up all these old photos of himself and as he puts it 'engineers his page'. Then he asks me on my private account I just use as a visual journal for myself- like a reference of helpful things I can go back to looking at- where Ive used for him as a friend only as he likes to put photos of things weve done and share them with me. Which I never look at really. But then he asks me if I can be his partner on facebook - but ot in real life. Just because he thinks women are out to get him online and like the way he looks ....
even tho his page is now on private.
I reluctantly agreed to that. Then this morning I go on his page because it was updating in my feed and I get that creeped out sick feeling and upset etc. Just all the selfies, all the old photos of himself, again and again and the excessive self indulgence - its sickening. And then, even knowing my feelings towards sexism and my values (not that he really knows them) he sticks some sexist picture of a anorexic woman in undeies and her singlet half up showing her boobs. I mean come on, you think im going to be a part of that? I dont want to associate with that. So I had to just shut down my page. I cant take it. The stress levels get way too high and everything adds up. I have to go into work this morning and I dont want to go - which is how bad work has gotten. And know im going to go there even more stressed out , which may turn into an anxiety attack or a depressive episode.

I feel opposite to living my values and it sux.
Its made me depressed and living so unhappily at the moment. And Im just now starting to fight my way back. But I cant stand being bombarded by rugs. I dont know how to process him - he can be really nice to me and care but also be contacting me way too much. And then I have to realise that all that time spent has been with a lunatic that has no real values and cant see eye to eye with basic normal perceptions.
I get spun out.

I can say tho, I am learning more and more to be assertive. He rang me this morning and I just told him how gross I thought this woman picture was and how it was sexist lol. Then I confronted him about how excessive his selfies are. That they are just not 1 or so - but 60.. and his response was that is how good technology is and that he will always do them because they make him feel good.
Well, he spends lots of times in his days doing them.

See the thing is, if I dont have a voice in me, to say this isnt right- this is not right to me. Then Im just harbouring subconscious guilt of being less than I am. Which leads to more depression.

I need to stand up for things in my life that I value and dont value. Its my life. And if someone is in it and overstepping boundaries, yet hasn't the same values - well then these things happen.
I always have to be the bigger person. I'm so tired of it. He doesn't recognise the gravity of how his illness can affect others. Of course he doesnt. And even so, he is all innocent in it all. Hes like an autistic person, scrambling to try and see the world in the right way. So even when I have issues with his craziness, he cant see it as that, and it actually harms him more because its another person saying his reality is not reality kind of thing and so he sets himself up with all these riddles online that he thinks will protect him.

I guess its like my tribe is not my tribe. Like , im hanging out with a tribe that is not really my tribe. Doesnt stand up for what I stand up for. And I feel so itching to run off when Im around him and his sister. They make m feel sick because their lifestyle and mind nuts.

There is a part of rugs I do like, thats the one in person where I just cant get too close but enjoy the company. But at the end of the day its all fake really. Its not true to me and its draining, like really draining.

*I want to be true to myself. The only way to do that is work on whats not making me happy. My personal stuff like my work, my weight and also engagning in things that support my values. And then rugs will not be such an issue. *

At the heart of it all is me feeling compassion for him and it sux so much. Its like the pitt of my stomach saddness - grieveing for his loss of sanity and feeling like a horrible person because I reject him and am not the same in feelings towards him like he is to me.

And so Ive always got to try aand have compassion for myself too. I just get so so spun out and stressed.

Im working for people with no real values too so I feel bombarded.

Today I just feel like doing something like eating sugary foods to numb myself. Even tho I have weight prob at the moment and want to loose it within 4 months

 

[grapevine]

Okay so last week I once again tortured myself and went onto rug's facebook. Fair enough I had alot of feeds from him. This is my private facebook really only for me using it like an app called Pocket. I basically express myself to get things out in art and also dig and find things that I like to keep a reference of for myself. It just so happens that after a week of him trying to once again go off all the social media than come back with a vengeance, that I just kept seeing all his posts and even when their fine, it just amplifies how much his inner world is not exactly connected to the realities of the world that is. In other words it amplifies his delusions and ways he pieces parts of his own reality together that cant be shifted. And I know that it just stresses the hell out of me because my need to control everything is a big one and when I cant, I get very anxious and it leads to anxiety. I get to points where I need to go confront these feelings to him. Where I feel like Im not being my true self and everything is uncontrolled because of his un-reality.
It just stresses me out big time. Like being spun out over and over again. And trying to get that mental distance.

So last week I just went on his page and he had this picture of a woman that looked anorexic with half a top on so you could see half her boobs and some torn bottoms. And she looked subservient. So that really got me angry and made me feel disgusted towards him even more. It made me feel quite sick actually. And in the state of that, knowing I was being unreasonable to judge and make such a big deal. But I was on the phone to him and was casually like, whats that gross woman picture on your page? Its sexist, demeaning etc..
And he was freaked out by it. So much so that later that day he came over and told me he was going to say that he didnt want to be friends for 2 months. haha. I could do with that actually cause he is a never ending in your face.

I always have to be the bigger person and it plagues on you and weighs you down. I have to not be honest with him because he cannot take critism lightly, and he cannot put himself in another person's perspective. not that he hasnt compassion, he just has compassion from only his points of view lol.
I couldnt stand him telling me that I was being annoying and that did he have to change things on his page just for me - and blew it all up into a big thing. But at the end of the day it was a really offence picture for women. And I honestly tried to explain to him that I am spending alot of time with him (reluctantly alot I might say- but I didnt say that) and I see something like that - that is totally against my values and what I stand for and it not just a casual thing - most decent guys would never have some picture like that on their page - ( they wouldn't dare). It is offensive. And all I was doing was voicing my opinion. And then at the end of the day I was the one that had to budge and apologise and say I have issues. And it sucked big time. It made me so so angry and stressed and frustrated and stuck. It made me have to at small towards dominant him that cant understand from my view.
I mean I do yes have an anxiety disorder and ive had 2 rapes in my life (crude as it is) and i had a male phobia for years . It wasnt until 2015 that I started work and it started to all go away, the phobia.
But he is just so blatant to what he puts on there. Like when we were going out he even put posts about having a good night in bed so to speak. Without telling me and things like that. He even had this facebook banner of photos all of me that completely freaked me out and I would ask so many times to put it down as my bdd flared so painfully and crippled me as photos are my phobia too. It was a big thing for him to have to put that down. It sucked.
I just get completely worked up from having to be around his mindset with the way he sees the world as its so draining and its I have to shrink down for him to be okay.

So anyways, despite this, he is much more understanding of me and my requirements as a friend now. What I mean is my boundaries more. But its still being worked on. Im getting there. He is still coming over and contacting me every day and night. Sure I like the company, but I need the space and I am starting to get it. Hes not over for hours on end and not pushing me as much anymore to do things with him.
I just hate how he can say whatever he likes often - like be assertive and then with my things - like the online stuff, I have to keep to myself or he goes all silly.

So what I decided after that episode was that I just wont go on there anymore. Facebook is only a few times a week if I like to go on there and absolutely never going onto his page anymore. And its not hard of a decision as I dont find it hard really at all. I used to go on there as a habit that just would enhance my anxities and really feeling sick about hanging out with this person. It made me want to mock him and feel angst towards him, wanting to show him anxiously and angrily what he cannot see. And show him how distasteful he is and delusional etc.

But I just cant be bothered anymore.

Ive over-tred that . and its just not worht it to me.

Ive had such severe anxiety this year and last more than ever. Its worn me out so much that last year I was spending most of it bedbound with a bad case of fatigue. I couldnt do anything just about , it made me cripple. All that stress, every week of feeling so spunout and worked up and anxiety attacks and stress in my subconcious too. It sucked.

this winter Ive started to really get into binge eating. Things Id never really eat. And its not nice. the outcomes of it and also the consequences. My need for numbing myself and forgetting about all the stress and drain from his state of mind and my anxiety lends its hand in the form of junkfood and my waistline and then into social phobic land and a cycle of shock and stress and depression.


But Im happy Im not going to look on the facebook his stuff. Its def somewhere Im just not going anymore. And that feels quite freeing to me. It actually means that I can not connect myself with it, all his stuff that is nothing supportive of my tates, reality, values etc. It means I am more welcome to be apart from all that and live my life independent of his stuff.

And I am also going to bar him from talking about facebook and Instagram too.

From now on, if he wants to spend time with me, its not going to be about his obsession with the delusions about himself on those sites. The way he puts it, like tonight on the phone, he tells me how he is looking up random people and cant believe some people about how they change their profile pictures all the time (i dont even go there..) and how these people- some he has looked up are hilariously lower class and things like that. Basically judging people to feel better about himself /but of course I didn't say that. And then he goes on to tell me about how he likes having his stuff on private now ( an influence from me). Because he does such awesome things uploaded everyday that people get jealous and want to hurt him. Something liek that anyways. My response was that everybody has opinions on things and its a mixed bag and so on. I said that what an idividual sees is thru thier own mindscape and that you cannot truely know what others see. Only what your opinion of yourself is. lol and with that he said he was feeling sick and didnt want to talk anymore.

This stuff about being a 20 year heavy metal guitarist and so on. Well sure he pays well, but he cant read music, and he wont pursue things further. Its just a hobby for him its not a career. Its just him on drugs with his friend of by himself without drugs- doing riffs in his shed (where he lives). Most of his week is spent going onto facebook and instagram and uploading the same selfies and looking random people up for signs they have meaning to his life. There is no real productivity. 2 days a week he volounteers for half a day at a second hand store. There are no real goals except in his mind he thinks he is close to a recording thing with his friend doing riffs. His friend isnt really interested in it all really, he has his own life in the city and comes down once in a while. Rugs isnt even on disabilty when he should be on it and that makes me so frustrated. I can only do so much. He got rejected the first time I helped in apply because it was a rushed job and there was no recent stuff only to say his fortnightly risperdole. His doctore sux and theres noone to really help him get it really - his job case worker I keep telling rugs to tell her to help him but he wont do it. He doesnt even know why he was rejected because he wont go and find out. He cant be active on things. But Id say it was because they put him as not a permanant illness - i mean come on!! lol.
What we gave them in the forms was old psychiatry diagnoses and notes and times in the hospital. The only thing recent was his doctor saying his dad just died and that he has been on risperdole for ages.

Youd think that was enough. But the requirements are permanant, and adding to so many points in their disabilities. Thing is, its hard to let a person be aware of those things without him knowing as he is delusional and not realise half of the things he has. But the reality is that his illness makes it incredably hard for him to function productively in everyday life. I just want him to be on it. But he needs to see his doctor and book a time to just talk about that. Rather than go in the time he gets his jab. Its funny because he was like when I told him he needed to book another time for that- he was like 'my dr doesnt have time for that' I mean like what? That is why your making time for it rather in the 15 minutes of a jab. He needs that time.

I jsut want him to get that because he deserves to be on it as its not fair. And it would make a hell of a difference for his mum financially. Its just hard to get him to budge and comply and to get his problems specifically noticed - like his delsusions and exaustion and lack of being able to plan, concentrate, do simple things etc.. plus the paranoia and anger issues evey now and then. And everything in between.

Anwyays.

About me. Ive downloaded 2 ebooks to read on a road trip rugs wanted to go on . Ive got The power of Habit and The Binging Brain workbook. lol. They are really inspriing books.

This road trip is to a town his family went on holidays near the Victoria border. Ive been there before a few times but ages ago. I didnt really want to go because its a long drive and I just wanted to be doing my own things. But overtime now, its got me looking forward to it a bit. Hes made it so that I will enjoy it, he knows what I will complain about and has tried to make it my worht wild. Plus im not paying for anything, even the cabins. Its something he wanted to do, so he is paying for it all and driving. His sister is coming too, but shes going to stay with the aunty for 2 days whilst we explore places. Im just trying to make sure that he is responsible. Because I just really hate it all falling back on me. He ony just booked the cabins yesterday and we are going in a days time. Even tho it was weeks ago noted of this trip.
Its so hard for him to concentrate and do things. Hes like when you see old people on the computer and all nervous to press the wrong thing- thats what he is like with tasks.

Anyways : )

 

[grapevine]

You cant be your full best self when you keep shrinking for others. Even tho ego is an empty flask, still its a good motivator and a good thing to direct the anger of dominant indifference.

 

[BlueDays]

You cant be your full best self when you keep shrinking for others........

.........said every employee who has had a really bad boss, throughout history. :sad:

 

[grapevine]

Boundaries can be so hard to create and keep. They create backlash or they create guilt. But without them, what happens to me, you feel like a big invasion on everything that is you, all your comfort even, your bedroom etc. All those things are taken away, even your identity, just because you cant say no easy. And just because someone with dire dependence at severe levels has to see you all the time- be desperate about coming over all the time. Despite not being able to actually logically think actions through and be unresponsible on very basic levels and make stupid descisions like coming over despite being really tired and falling asleep making it a hard drive home later or coming over at tea time forgetting he hasnt had tea and having to to feel uncomfortable eating in front of him and having to get my mum un-angered (kitchen nazi) and scramble to find something for him. Then there is the embarressment of him over all the time and ringing all the time and texting. LIke i said i dont mind him , but I need boundaries because there is none much with him and I want to be able to feel grounded and sense of myself and despite not going out with him, it sure feels like I still am and it sux. I need my space and I need to not have to be responsible for him and Im sick of having to compromise all the time and then to have him without a doubt be blatantly extra assertive on things. It sux. And there is so many things with him. And dont get me started on arguments. Like this horrible sexist photo of a woman on his fb page. I just commented casually to him that it was gross and that it was objectifying women and sexist. And he got offended , like really offended and deffended himself. Where as the thing is it was a offensive photo to women. And I just expressed that. I did not make it personal. Yet he had to over compensate this arguemnt to me that he has to be policed by me. But I was just saying my opinion on something I thought was highly offensive and made me question him more. But it sux that he couldnt in most situations - can only see things thru his perspective and his delsuional world and not once see it thru mine. Like this was a glaringly obvious sexist photo. That just means hes one of those guys - etc you know what I mean. And I hate that about guys. I wont stand for that. Ill tell them what I think regardless of what they do. If I have a close friend putting something like that up on thier page I will casually tell them it sux. Just the act of letting them know that is all that matters. But for him, he leaves it there, tells me that his sister (crazy sister) thinks it is a beautiful picture and that I dont know anything because Im jealous of that lady in the photo and that hes not going to change everything because of my policing. And what happens is I end up having to be the one to copromise. Like in everything with him. I have to shrink and let his lack of inibility to see outside of his own delusional perspective override my own stance of logic. He cant compromise only defend when it comes to things like that. Im just so sick of him being so close in my life all the time. Everyday he has to come over and has to act like he is my partner. I have to put all my stuff aside still -things that make me , me because I feel invaded all the time from lack of boundaries with him. I dont want to be in his world I completely disrespect and loath it. I hate his tastes and everything in between. His lifestyle. I dont mind him as a friend, but he is way too close to me and I feel I have to play this sick person who he subconsciously doesnt want to see me achieve something better than I am now because of his lack of self esteem. Its like I have to be the weak girl that got abused and that he is the one taking care of me and overlooking my life for me or something. Like he just doesnt want to acknowledge me as a complete person able to achieve things or something idk. But I just need space - this is getting ridiculous.

He came over this afternoon after his work. He rings up and says that really wants to come over and asks if he could jump into my bed and just watch some videos. Teslls me he really just wants to see me, hangout despite being tired. I ask him if he is okay to drive and should he just stay home and have a good sleep instead. He instead comes over, goes to sleep in 15 mintues of coming over and ends up staying for a few hours sleeping. Then finally gets up after me trying to wake him up asking what he wanted to do (go home or stay). One thing is I dont want him in my bed. Thats a boundary I have not been asserive to. I dont want him in there because I feel invaded enough by him. My room is my sanctuary. I feel like, you know in movies when the girl is angry with the boy or even a friend and they come to the house and they are told they do not want to be seen by them. I feel like I cannot do that with rugs at all. He just comes over regardless. All the time. I get no sanctuary , space to be me and re-asset myself away from him. And him being in my bed, even tho he is gone now- means i have to open my window all the way on a cold winters night because it smells like him real bad. Anyone who smokes as bad as him has bad breath that fills the air when they sleep. Not only that, but all his sweaty toxins from drugs and so on and his smelly socks and undies he prob hasnt changed again and his strong hairspray he uses a million times on his head. No kidding at his place there is hairspray laquer on everything mixed with tobacco and dirt. on his door hadles, computer mouse etc. And his toothbrush looks like it expried 5 years ago. err. I am into clean air and detoxing , and him sleeping in my bed for a few hours means i now have to put up with his air he left behind. It sux.
I feel depressed because Im getting stepped on my independence and boundaries all the time. And then at the same time, I have to be responsible for him at times and then have to deal with all his looneys and then also deal with codependency of lack of anyone else i have in my life as a friend.
And the fact that he is so close to me and knows me , yet at the same time is completely insane and a crazy person.

 

[F0AM]

We have a say here in Spain: "Donde hay confianza hay asco" would be something like "where there is trust, there is disgust" i don't know the english counterpart. Basically used to refer to those people who think they can do whatever they want With you or your belongings because of that trust. They have this ideas of "what's yours is mine" and "since i trust X person, i can go to his/Her House whenever i want and make plans for the two of us whether X person likes It or not"

NO dickhead, even if there is trust between the two of us, my life still belongs to me, how about you ask me first the Next time. Even if you think you already know the answer.

I cant stand this behavior, these people take things for granted and your opinion doesn't Matter.

Sometimes we all do things that don't want to for those we love but please don't abuse our kindness.

Him getting offended when you mention that photo reminds me of "the best defense is a good offense" some people instead of admiting their mistakes, start to attack or try to be the victim. So childish.
Some people don't realize their mistakes and if you don't tell them, they'll keep making them over and over.

"You are jelous of the woman in the pic"

"I don't have to change everything for your policing" man i'm telling you that that picture is sexist and offensive and you should probably take It away (which i shouldnt have to tell you coz u should realize by yourself). If you cant do even the most simple of things for me, why should i do the same for you? Cause this seems like a one way effort.

Rugs have no respect for your privacy. He must understand that you are friends, not his mother. At this rate your ship Will end Up sinking if you don't throw his weight Out if it.

Grape i have been here for three years and i've read lots of your posts (not all since im not always active on the site). You've been through a lot of stuff and i think you're a very strong person that knows What you want, Quite the opposite to Rugs.

Make him understand that you need your own space and privacy. Don't be afraid of hurting his feelings cause there is nothing wrong in seeking your own well being. Is a right, not a favor.

Remember that is better to be alone than poorly accompanied. At least you'll spare yourself the anxiety of him coming by haha.

Good luck Grape, you deserve the best!

 

[BlueDays]

We have a say here in Spain: "Donde hay confianza hay asco" would be something like "where there is trust, there is disgust" i don't know the english counterpart.

^ I think the English language counterpart would be the saying "Give them an inch, and they'll take a mile"

 

[F0AM]

^ I think the English language counterpart would be the saying "Give them an inch, and they'll take a mile"

I think that would be more like "das la mano y te cogen el brazo" which means "give them a hand and they'll take the whole arm" haha.

But i think both expressions refer to people abusing trust.

Thank you Blue, didn't know that expression : )

 

[grapevine]

Thanks Foam, really meant i lot and ive been going back to read your advice a few times this week lol. Actually too just realised what FOAM means in the abbreviation. And thanks BlueDays too.

 

[grapevine]

Everything got me thinking. Esp that picture, the offensive one. Its just so confusing. He is there for me, and upfront and kind. Sometimes too kind now. But at the same time he does things that are part of his own mental picture of things and he just will not back down. Like the offensive picture. And yes, that is a small thing to do- if I had a friend that said they were offended by a picture I had up, I would surely take it down. So that pretty much hurts me a little. Its him saying he doesnt respect my opinion and my feelings. He has to blow it up into a thing where he feels that everything he does online is policed by me to be okay because he has no actual reality himself of what is and isnt offensive. I just hate that.
And its still on there by the way, because I had to back down. It is like my arm is being bit off and my boat sinking. But I have the power to stick my walls up.

And now, you know- hes a really good friend- minus his own delusional reality online. I cant even talk about things online without him having to state his self esteem lines at me (ie- that he is a 20 year playing heavy metal guitarist and that he has achieved alot in his life). Reality doesnt hit him. Never. He told me recently that when he started to get ill years ago, that he had to have an MRI scan. He never heard anything of it. But his schizophrenia is mostly genetic plus he was a stoner for a long while and I think that what they likely found was it ate his brain away. I hate to say.
The part where he cannot tell reality from delusions and has grandiose about himself plus anger issues with people that are not in his life and he doesnt even know, paranoia, plus being unable to plan things and concentrate on things ( life for him and his sister are only on the surface - they cannot go deep on anything as it requires concentration and they are unable to do that and its so annoying). The list goes on.

I feel like way back when I didnt know him but had a crush on him. Because he was so overly nice to me and made me feel secure and have a good laugh- I didnt know he was like he is then, I knew he had schizophrenia and even guessed it before I knew - and that he was a little crazy and in the wrong crowd. I guess me being me and I only realising till now, is that I felt like he could help with my insecurities at the time and I could make an immensely positive impact in his life lol (hows that for grandiose lol).

Im an annalytical person that likes to understand and then help and I guess have control over things.

Its crazy when I see him writing facebook posts about how he has been spending hours and hours looking people up and blocking them because he doesn't like their faces and their lives and how they apparrently change thier pictures all the time. These are majority people that he just randomly looks up and doesnt know. He goes on these things saying how he thinks he is better than them and that they will never be his friend even though they really want to be and that they prob have been looking at him for years because they like his amazing life and the way he looks...

its absolutely crazy and he gets stuck into this so badly. And you know then there is me. Im one of those people that have to stick my foot in and I restrain myself so painfully all the time. I say somethings to him and it will make him go on and on the same sentences to me all the time about himself.

He never questions himself. And I guess if you have been in psychosis, perhaps its too scary to do so. But on the other side, perhaps its just the brain damage. After all, thats what delusions are.
Its just so confronting to be going for a walk or hanging out with this person where you are starting to get your boundaries and he is starting to be much better than he was. And then these things are in your face.
Ive had talks with my therapist and explained to her how its very hard to be friends with a person where you cannot be your full self because you cannot connect with parts of them because of their insanity. And how that correlates with having to deal with having an un-authentic friendship that can be very draining.

Gosh I just really feel the need to do a pscho - analysis on him to him. And I have done so before. I know that sounds terrible, but when a person has the same issue (like me lol) over and over again- without taking responsibility for it. You want to make them claim it and analyse it.

He never questions why he feels the way he does. He thinks its just his tastes and what ever and thats it. But its not. Not all of it.
To me, the reason why he has issues with facebook and being obsessed with people's faces and thier pictures is mostly due to the girl he had a big crush on and put on a pedastool back years ago when he was aworking at a warehouse. This is the person that oneday when I was at work, I made an effort to look nice more than usual to get his attention and yet walked in to him talking about how this girl looked like the world's best looking woman etc.. he went on and on and then about how she was a horrible person. She basically was friendly to him and he thought it was more and she was going out with another guy. Its kinda weird to think that he kinda did similar things to me at work. Yet his thing is somehow this huge thing that happened. He got psychotic and ended up in hospital. That was years ago.

I go on fb and see he write something about a girl with a 7 year old son and something about pictures and realise hes writing about her. So in his mind everything comes down to that time in his life and why he has to sit and waste time online.

And the delusions. He talks about how his youtube page is so modern and people really like it. And how his views are gong up all the time. But the thing is they are his views. Its him looking at himself over and over Im sure of it. He thinks he is going to be able to do recordings and make an album with his guitar music with his friend. But he just makes riffs and records himself on his phone and uploads them and his friend comes to join every so often. His friend isnt really into it like him. Because he knows reality. They may be good at guitar but at the end of the day they are 30 plus guys sitting playing riffs on a badly taped video. There is no writing of music, no real songs etc. Its just make it up as you go and play rally fast heavy metal riffs. He needs to be doing something to make what he wants to happen and its just annoying that he goes on about how he thinks hes going to get a recording going soon. I mean you know, what do I say. I jsut have to ignore whole parts of him all the time and I feel so guilty like Im being a bully and rude you know. Like he is a target for a no hoper to me.

But he cant see reality. He cant plan. He can concentrate on reading anthing other than a few sentences etc...

I talk to him once again about applying for the dissability pension again. I say to him that he would need to book an extra time other than the time he has for his anti-psychotic jab. I tell him that he would need to arrange a pschiatrist with his gp so that she could give him an up to date report which is what is needed. I tell him even tho its not nice to go thru, its short lived and the benefit outweighs the uncomfortableness. Heis respinse is that he is a 20 year heavy metal guitar vetren and that if people need to know him they can go on facebook etc.. lol and every end of sentence is 'mate'. I tell him this isnt about facebook (lol). I tell him this is about you, getting a decent income than what you have, being able to afford basic things and help your widow mum out. This is about the government recognising you have an illness that means you have to take large doses of anti-psychotics that makes it hard to function and work and things etc..
He doesnt like talking about these things.

Anyways thats him.

Then there is work. I work for a basicaly corrupt charity. The people I work for are the worst of the bunch. They wouldnt know when you work, they dont care what you do until they care every so often, their choices of what you do are illogical but they will inforce it. Its become intolerable. Esp since the shops they own are going way down hill and they have obvious ways to stop that and progress instead and yet dont bother. Basically leaving me in a room full of boxes of sorted clothes to last a lifetime and yet the shops have no good clothes. I offer to take those clothes to the shops and so on and they just tell me no we have a shop manager now.. lol. Its just all crazy. They treat their business and the people in it with absoloute disregaud and negligence.

There is no safety, there is nothing. You go do a vry hard day of work and talk to them about it and they dont know what is going on and dont care. You try to get a scope of thier plans and outcomes for the day so you can please them. You dont get anything.

Anyways, its like dragging your body on a tar road most times you go there. The people there are people you dont respect and dont want to be around. They sit and do nothing all day whilst you slave away trying to make a difference and putting your heart into it and they just make silly descisions that dont make sense and make the business worse.

anways.

So all that. And its draining. But I like this journal and the automatic writing.

I keep having health problems lately. All last year I had severe fatigue and breathing issues and heart palpitations. It was scary. I was bed ridden so much and everything was too much. Just basic things like making lunch was a so tiring. And altho Im much better, I still get those things. And they scare me. Im not sure if they are anxiety things but I need to get an overlook on my lungs and heart and all that.

Apart from all this stuff. Ive been trying to rest and dig into the parts of me that i feel are missing.
Ive been reading alot of things to try and help me get back to feeling in control and ways I would like to feel rather than in stress and just existing. Get my mojo back I guess.
One thing in one book I read was that in order to get out of depression and I liked this paragraph:

I once got an email from one of 2knowmyselfís readers asking me for true happiness and how to achieve it. I answered by asking her ìdo you have everything that you want in your life?î She replied saying, ìno, I still want this and that and thatî, so I told her, ìyour happiness is to fight for these things until you get them.î
Make a decision now to stop being indifferent, to bring past wounds to the surface in order to deal with, to stand up for your rights, to fight for your goals, to set ones if you donít have any, to understand yourself more, and to solve your problems. Decide to write a plan that results in making you a happy person with a wonderful life after a short period of time.
Donít blame life, luck, or God for your bad feelings. Everyone in this world faces tons of problems but in the end some are happy and some are sad. The white knight wonít appear, good people wonít be able to help you, and no one in the world will be able to make a dramatic change in your mood expect one person: You.

I liked that.

Ive recently decided to delve into this therapy called 'Internal Family Systems'. this guy I have been watching on youtube for ever that really helped me get into the raw diet and go from 92 kg down to 55 kg at the time, I really like to watch and get inspired. He helped me back then. And now he has a book so Im getting into that- which is 30 days of practicing this therapy. Its all about self care - which is all about what Im about so I feel it may benefit me.
It basically digs into parts of yourself that are needed to be nourished and taken care of. Parts that perhaps because your not doing so, make you depressed. Its about finding those things out and bringing them to the surface so that you can be aware of how to take care of yourself better. Its also about time management and boundaries. So I like that and am a bit warey but focused on emensing myself in the concepts.

I feel like ever since rugs, Ive not been able to get some grounding and stress relief.
I just feel like that girl back then at work before I really knew him. I feel like she got taken for granted and hurt by him and although its all okay now- it still happened and is the basis for my relationship with him and it feels wrong on many levels and I need to explore all that.

Get respect back and boundaries and feel good about myself without his beliefs about me on me. If that makes sense. Im never going to be able to 'fix' him and even tho his is company- he is not on the same tastes, ideals and levels to me. Theres not much eye to eye - more of shrinking and bending over and adjusting. And that is fine. My therapist tells me to think with gratitude with him. So I try that. And to put up my boundaries with the other stuff. Its my cue really to branch out. To get my confidence back and push myself to new places to meet another person that perhaps will be someone i can look up to and encourage me to be better than I am. I need to be with a person or people that have similar lifestyles and passions.

 

[F0AM]

Whoa Grape, i'm very Happy to read that It meant something.

By the way F0AM doesn't mean anything really, It was a joke between a friend and me. Nothing Deep : )

 

[grapevine]

No worries. It indeed helps me.

 

[grapevine]

So im getting more flexible and getting boundaries respected more and more without me feeling guilty. There is one issue that I have been having emense problems with since last year like the start of last year and that is a health one.

I get scared and depressed about it. So last year I put it down to adrenal fatigue. Its plagued me quite bad. Last year I was bedridden often as simple tasks were exhausting. Yet I made time to go for walks with rugs and always stay hydrated and try to eat well ( tho I had times of processed foods).

And I felt like I was starting to get over it a little with that rest and so on. But it just keeps being an everyday thing. If I go for a walk with rugs, I get breathless just walking a short distance. And this shouldnt be the case because Ive been an active person.

I not only get shortness of breath, but a feeling like my chest is in constriction, not painful - just like I cannot take a full breath. And nasuea. And on top of that is the extreme fatigue I feel in my body and weakness. Like if I put my arms up i get dizzy and feel so weak. Like my strength is all gone.

So I put all that to adrenal or even chronic fatigue.

Ive got to remember that I have an anxiety disorder and I did burn myself out with rugs for 2 years with stress and everything in between. But its like when I take a breath Im nauseous and feel like as if I have a cold or flu in my lungs.
It all kind of started when start of last year or even before that, I remember I was on the go constantly and I was never at home. I stayed over rugs place and I over did everything. I couldnt get time for myself back then even when I tried. It was incredibly ridiculous and restricting time for me. I was living for his comfort minus my own of anything it felt. Literally.
But anyways as I was over-doing myself and unable to eat well because I was over his place and going back and forth to make tea and come back I couldnt hack most days I ended up eating processed foods then. This was 2016. Then I remember that year and also start of 2017 I got a flu and I couldnt hardly walk, yet I kept going and tried ignoring it. I overdid myself at work, with rugs etc.. Id be at work and be incrediably physically active with manual labor, then go home, make my tea- grab my tea and go to rugs, then clean his room and make his bed and then be his company etc.. This was a regular thing that I actually never really sat down to rest. To have my own time even. And back then I couldnt even sleep. Id just lie there in adrenaline.
So I never really recovered. My body would be burning with exaustion but I kept going and going. And that left me with all last year bed ridden just about and then of course some weight gain from not being active.

But now its just plaguing me. This week and last week I find myself crying and wondering why I am doing so lol. its like my body is just relieving itself, like trying to tell me something needs to be cared for. It sux so bad that Ill end up back in bed because doing things can be too exhausting. Because there are so many things I like to do - esp when Im not working.

Like today and trying to garden. Im just so tired of having this breathing issue and feeling dizzy and fatigued and nauseous.
I didnt talk to my dr last time about it. But I went in today and had courage to book any doctor - the nearest appointment I could find. Unfortunately I picked a foriegn dr that I feel uncomfortable with a language barrier so I am going to rebook someone else. I really want to get good communication with docotr to meet my concerns and work with me. As Im scared that it could be heart disease or lung problems - I mean who knows. I def been feeling really off since last year and Im so tired of it.

Anyways, I just want to get on top of this. Its been huge underlining of my stress and depression.

 

[BlueDays]

^ Sounds like you could be anaemic. Ask the doctor at your next visit to get a blood test done to get your iron level tested.

 

[grapevine]

Well, so I went and got strong Ferritin tablets which are for correcting anaemia. They helped a bit. My blood tests back in March this year and all last year never came back with low iron levels despite me having those severe symptoms. The tablets have seemed to of helped a bit with the fatigue.

But im putting my health issues Ive been having since last year (which can turn quite chronic over and over again each week ) down to these things IN THE DOTTIES (dot points lol .. yah)

Firstly I want to journal what they are again. Even tho everyone around me thinks I'm just a Hypochondriac and ultra sensitve (which the sensitive part Ive always been).

First off I get lung and breathing issues that feel like I have a virus or a flu- like my lungs actually hurt a little to breathe and cannot take a full breath. Then I get overwhelming fatigue and stress/anxiety and depressive crying spells over nothing in particular like Im laughing when it happens. And then I get with those things, breathlessness and heart palpatations - not to mention bloating and dizzyness.

So heres to the dotties..

• Chemical sensitivities -

So Rugs is always around. And he always smokes alot. Even tho its not anywhere near me- in fact he will walk 50 meters away or more for me. But even with him even airing out, its still on his body, in his clothes, hair, skin, breath..
Not to mention the roling of his tobacco every half hour. Its so strong and on his skin and breath etc.
Then there is his hairspray - which he doesn't do lightly- its viciously strong - he lacquers like its the end of the world and goes back and redoes it over again many times a day sometimes if he isn't busy. No kidding, his comp mouse, door handles, steering wheel .. are all laquered from it being on his skin. A mixture of tobacco and extra strong hairspray.

And then there is even his deodorant too. Im so ultra sensitive to it all. Esp if im close to him and we are joking around. having a laugh- I breath it all in.

In fact, last weekend I went over so we could watch this film I rented from the library. A new release we had been waiting for. And despite now, his room being very clean (due to me encouraging him to minimise and donate 60 percent of his hoards lol), it was still there the environment he lives in - his lifestyle of all his toxic tobacco, hairspray etc.. It comes on to me all of a sudden when Im there- the breathing issue. And esp in his car, where all the tobacco falls out where he rolls his cigarettes. Its so strong that I feel like my lungs are like cement. And it doesnt go until days later.

• Anxiety-

So anxiety can be a huge thing. I used to wet the bed when I was younger because of it and despite all the things they did at the hospital to try to find the cure, because it was like clockwork every night for many many years- it turned out that the moment I talked to my first therapist (and still going after 14 yrs) about my abuse as a teen- it miraculously went away.
So I know how strong a psychosomatic illness can be. Its a wierd thing. And perhaps this tightening of the chest and breathlessness is part of my body and mind saying it cant breath, I need space and time to myself from rugs. I need to be free and breath better.
And the fatigue of me going out of my way over and over again pleasing everyone but myself and then not sleeping well and not getting my own things done and own time. I run around exhausting myself for others whilst not being able to fit in my time to get my own things done plus have my own rest time and own recreation/indpendence time. That can account for the breathlessness.
Anxiety appears in many ways and the tension in the body.

• Iron -

I have been displaying the symptoms of anemia and the strong iron tablets have worked. Like a back up I didnt have. I feel not as weak as i did. I felt so exausted for ages before, trying to keep up with everything, even basic things. But that can be anxiety too.

So these things I gotta take into account. Tho I still need a thorough check up. I cancelled my last appointment. I didnt feel up to it.

Anyways- I have XAVIER RUDD concert coming up on Saturday night. Im looking forawrd to it at the same time depressed and ashamed of myself for my body image lately. Putting on 15 kg sux. And it takes 3 -4 months of hard conscious effort to even get out of that. It sux going to a concert and not fiting in your clothes anymore, and looking bad in new ones.

But Im trying to make myself back into a priority. Just have to realise that I cannot fit in rugs walks and time with everyday, even tho hes admiment on it. I have to realise that taking mum out shopping or what ever takes time and effort, going out with rugs does too, and in between that I need my time and rest and also need to get my own things done. I end up just dancing around skipping over all my own things and just being there for them and forggeting me- putting me in the backseat and I just need to stop doing that.

Its just that the dependency rugs can have on me. He sits in his room bored and doing nothing and desperate to come over to mine- even tho he respects me and my need for my own time. I just dont understand how he cant go and have his own things that are more than he has - activities on his own I mean.
I want to achieve things and be persistant and conscious and so on- but its hard lately because I dont know where Im at with anything because with him, he is unable to plan, unable to see reality properly, unable to concentrate. He lives a life of not scratching the surface and is fine with that. But its like a child.

Im not fine with that. But his desire to always be over hinders my own concentration of trying to achieve things.

But I might just mention, he removed the offensive picture on his page. What I did as send him funny cartoons of the picture - emphasing the reality of the sexist of it. I drew like this lady with her half top on showing her underboobs. I drew him like that and then his sister like that and saying how it looked nice lol...
I dont know if he got it, but it made me change it lol.

 

[grapevine]

I cant believe I will be 37 by the end of this year. I feel so old and time is ticking by. Ive lately been finding 1 silver hair I keep plucking every week. I feel a bit doomed to my circumstances with the female clock ticking etc. Its not fair that men dont expire as much as women when it comes to fertility. They can just go and get a younger woman.

 

[grapevine]

Hee hee, Im on a bit of a role tonight. I need to take my valerian as I had my raw vegan chocolate this afternoon. Which was 60 percent darker than usual. In any case, it means the caffeine i am so sensitive to will lead me to be up all night if I don't take steps to go to bed soon.

I was just thinking about how much I miss feeling proud in my body and fit etc. Movement and relaxation being easy and feeling strong and so on. I miss those things.

 

[grapevine]

haha..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zARjrVtmRvY

 

[grapevine]

So I went to Xavier Rudd concert the other night and it was amazing once again. Im such a huge fan and he gave us all his songs - was blown away. Im just kicking myself tho because i wished i had gone into the fron audience near the stage rather than sit up in the seats. I wanted to go down but rugs who wanted to come two, changed his mind that he didnt want to be with all the people jumping around down there despite saying he would for 3 months. But anyways, I just felt rude to leave him up there so I didnt go down. I wish I did tho. I just wanted to let loose in an environment where everyone there was in the same tastes and values as me in many ways - like 'my tribe' , and it wouldve meant so much more to me to jump around with them with the music. But anyways, still was a good show and he taped it all for me.

arghh. Rugs is at it again. All this facebook stuff. He just lets himself get so worked up about what people look like and what thier banners are and wierd things like that, that he has to write intense angry and weird stuff like an emotional outburst marathon over his wall. At the same time Ive been messaging him about going to the royal show and hes basically ignoring me so he can do his weird mind trip stuff.
What really annoys me is yes I can shut it out now and all that. But the real annoyance is that he is either too mentally handicapped/ in delusion or denial about what is at the heart about whats going on in his mind. There is absolutely no questioning his own behaviour and the roots of it. I mean, every time I have an issue, I dig in my brain to find answers - I can be a bit too analytical but basic cognitive reasoning come on! Where is his. My good its so frustrating. It makes me get upset with frustration just seeing it, so i end up deactivating my private facebook (just for him one/cause my normal one I wont let him on because of this).
I feel like im seconds away to writing sense of him and why he feels the way he does on there in a spiteful way to get the irritation and frustation out. He is crazy and acting crazy over nothing and yet cannot see that.
I feel like doing a phsycho analysis on his page geezuz.
And that wouldnt go down well lol.

He cant recognise his behavour because his brain is damanged. But cant he just recognise in the heat of his outburst that perhaps its all him and his beliefs are crazy lol?!!!

Anyways, whenever he wants to go with me to outtings and I say yes, he ends up everytime acting wierd and awkard and quiet. He cannot plan for an hour or more ahead and I have to be responsible for him. I have to ask him if hes eaten, make him question if he thinks he will perhaps be hungry later on ... like tea time despite not being hungry now ... and plan for that- that kind of thing because he cant do it himself. I have to be the parent. And at the concert, despite me telling him these things and months in advance to bring some change just in case too if your hungry or whatever, and he ends up getting starving half way thru that I have to go out and buy him munchies like im his mum, otherwise he acts all like he is going to die.
But its also he cannot in a crowd and different environment, act normal. He gets all quiet and looks into space and wont talk or anything, hell get all funny and I end up feeling like I have to compensate for him to try and make him feel comfortable - despite me being the one with social phobia ! . He is not aware of any of this. He says yes to things with enthusiasm, then when he is there , because hes not able to be responsible for himself and has these issues, it just dampens everything.
There is so much hard work and disfunctional behaviour with him.
Anyways, its not my problem. I need to practice these boundaries more.
If he has problems there not mine.

 

[Sacrament]

No offense, but you've been saying pretty much the same things about rugs for months and months. The fact that nothing changes is not just because he will not change (he is mentally ill), but because you allow the relationship between the two of you to remain the same. You meet up, he acts strange, you give in to his whims, and you're left disappointed and frustrated that things didn't go your way.

The only way you'll get some peace of mind regarding rugs is the day you disconnect from him entirely, but I don't think you're willing to do that, so things will keep being the way they are.