Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

So today he has realized that he can't stay here. Hes come to the conclusion his mental health and all of that cant be maintained on his own. (no kidding!)

But the main thing that happened the last few days or more is that him himself have gone into psychosis. Something that hasnt really happened to this degree for 10 years ago.

So what he did is in Australia we got a one-off stimulus money for people on welfare. And he wont tell me how much he spent but he then goes and spends more than ever from what i gather all on meth. As he was going all anxious from the thought of moving and the virus. He even read something about meth being a cure for corona virus lol.

So in his words - he smoked alot on meth in 3 weeks.

So i cant even remember the last few days of him when ive been in contact as ive been busy having to help my father cementing. But everytime i was in contact with him, he was terribly unwell and would say things or act bad towards me and it would hurt and after id end up crying and in emotional pain with anxiety attacks. And the new thing is ive started experiencing scary panic attacks too. I thought i was having a heart attack on and off during the past weeks. They were so scary. But im normal now.

Last night he was scared and acting all weird more than usual and i was messaging him. Comforting him. U know i do that, and he then just leaves and shuts u off and thats that. U dont hear back.

And he has all this stuff to do with online where he has always had delusions of grandeur and paranoia. He talks about how something happened to him now tho. That he was possessed by the devil and that he had an awakening and that he can either be love of death or something and then the other night was messaging me about not going on his youtube page because one account led to death and the other to love and it was dangerous the dead one because it could kill people who watched it.

Now i have genralized anxiety disorder. Its been hard enough this outbreak and dealing without the limited social contact i had that helped get me out of depression. But now to not even be able to rely on him as my only other contact really really hurts.

So this morning i sent him a few photos of the cementing and gardening ive been doing. I thought showing him and explaining the photos so they would trigger some weird thing in his mind (because last night he rang the home phone twice because i sent him a photo of the pink sunset at mine and he had to ring up because he thought it was something to do with stranger things on his youtube account and the upside down world or something idk).
So i send my photos of what ive been doing lately at home and he responds like always with good and my name. Knowing he never really looks or reads anything ive sent him for 4 years anyway. But you know hes really ill atm.

He basically this morning asks me if we want to meet up. So i say okay i have to post a letter today, and meet up the place we had met up for the past few weeks a few times as its secluded and there are seats at 1.5 distance away.

And his response was, 'yeah i dont know'. even tho he asked the question in the first place. And then i answered with are u okay to drive? and his reponse was he needs to get his break pads done still.

But it was after that, that made me feel horrific.

It was just ' hey, goodluck' and 'i gotta do my things' and goodbye' and that was it.
Usually he would put a love heart or something after and he didnt. Just rudely cut off with no explanation.

So i write back that wasnt very nice and express myself.

And for 2 and a half hours endure an intense crying anxiety filled depressive attack that went on and on and on.

When i finally get myself together enough to get get on with my day and decide i needed a hot shower, the phone rings and its him. He apologises to me. And i tell him how it made me feel. But hes not well still and he says about him moving which wasnt what we were even talking about. And how he doesnt want to and stuff and then doesnt want to go for a walk with me and then says hell ring up in the night sometime.

He tells me that on the messenger that he talked this morning that its not him anymore and its a bad account and he wanted me to delete it.


So i say ur new account then, tell me what it is so i can contact u. And he tells me he needs to go off online for a while.

So like most of the time but worse now because hes made himself ill that i cant even contact him, the one contact friend i had.

I realised that this morning when i expressed myself. He hadnt even looked at that at all. There is nothing i can do or say as i have no means to communicate. In this pandemic my close familair has gone.

Its been really hard.

 

[grapevine]

Its just, sure enough rugs always finds a way to put me last and to ruin any chance of basic needs within a friendship. Sure enough, when the pandemic is on and everyone is lonely and knowing he is my one very close friend, he decides to make himself sick and skip even acknowledging me and my feelings because im the face of what hell miss when he goes away because he finally worked out that he cannot support himself and is ill.

Why couldnt he of stayed off spending all his money on drugs and making himself sick.
Why couldnt he see the obvious from the beginning and deal with it with me aboud leaving in the best way he could instead of making it seem like this horrible dumping of me and almost thats its my fault or something.
Realize he shouldnt be treating me this way and that all his decisions were dumb ones and have lead to everything bad happening.

Argh. I have pms. But its just really not nice the one friendship u have- a person that wouldnt leave u alone for years and always contacting u and wanting to go out or just message - even when u were doing ur own thing and u know u gave that person ur time and things and now the minute u want to really need that person - they make it so they can only contact u and are not interested in ur life.

So uve got nothing left but to mourn a friendship in a time when u cant socialise.


I think i just have to take this a day at a time and not spiral out of control of feeling so distraught and alone. That feeling of breaking up with someone now of all things it has terrible memories. Very hard to cope. Id been not going there for weeks. I wish this pandemic finsihed then i could go volunteering and actually socially attempting to move forward but i cant.

Its like a horrible pit in my stomach. Knowing im loosing someone. The only person ive let in my life besides my parents and family of course. Hes been let in the most. Now hes deleted any trace of him online. I have no way to contact him. And its not because of me or that he doesnt want to its because of all his weird online stuff of delusions and pyschosis that its locked me out of any friendship. Its just really hard. Its like being dumped in a way. But not. Just put last and have absolutely no care for me.


How can i be kind to myself and not let this get me into a depression? I thought if i had him on the phone and messaging still it would be a good thing for me because he leaves to another town and i get to reinvent myself minus him and of course ill have down moments but ill still have him messaging him and stuff.
But i know that he doesnt cope well with what he cant have or if he is a little uncomfortable. The world comes crumbling. So his mental illness is affected by being online and its a spiders web of stuff. So even him moving i may not even be able to talk to him message him and also it seems he cant face me, so basically hes prob going to avoid me to avoid heart break.

In the time of corona virus isolation.

Which means im gonna have to cope not being able to communicate with him. I cant even express myself to him. Everything is denied any needs of mine. He is someone u cannot rely on.

Its like this whoe time because he was i hate to say it but crazy and now more so. That for him to go on social media is was all about strangers and people he didnt know or once knew - it was never about connecting with me as that came last and once again it is not there. I cant communicate only he can to me. When or if he wants.

 

[grapevine]

Not been well today. Started the day helping my dad cementing but i was quite ill with the ladies so to speak but still had to the labor.
But ive been really emotionally depressed and dark today. I dont know whats going on with rugs. He was my ticket out of this darkness. Id like to just talk on the phone. He said he would ring last night and never did and now its the next night. I feel like ive just been abandoned when ive done all i couldto help him and nothing in return in terms of attempting to contact me. It really has made my anxiety and loneliness unbearable and depression so bad right now. I havent been able to eat. I mean is he just alseep, has he been admitted to hospital because of psychosis? I have no idea. Im thinking hes just been sleeping for 48 hrs because he didnt sleep for 3 days during his pyschosis. I cant rely on him yet i have no body else. I feel stuck feeling like this kid around my parents where im second and its not independent me anymore , thats all gone and rugs was just the past.

Im stuck wanting to know whts going on with him with his health and with this move him and his family are going to do. I mean in this covid 19 climate really?
Ive been really ill because of rugs all over again, i always have to be put last with him even tho he doesnt realise.

The last few times i was in contact with him was very brief and him not well and being conditional to me. Like i couldnt say anything and he would abbruptly change his minds on things because of something normal id say and then be gone and id not hear from him again.
Make u feel like uve dont something wrong and so u have nobody now kinda thing. Thats what it feels like.

I dont know how to feel better. I dont want to feel conditioned around my parents, i want to be my own person. It really hurts to be abandoned by a friend even if he is not well. Its like tearing ur insides open, its like a blank wall everywhere u go. Nothing is of joy because ur waiting every minute and anything to try to distract seems like a bandage.
Trying to be social feels like a deadend online. I mean who knows with rugs, he may never talk to me again idk.
I feel like im in mourning and its during this pandmic where u cant go out or attempt to socially distract yourself. Its making so ill. Its a waiting game waiting for rugs. Its just so emotionally depressing.

It feels like my history all over again. U know when ur dumped and u never hear from them ever again. That happened to me many years ago. But i was abused then in many of the ways and it made me extremely ill but it all ended abruptly and then this silence and nothing. Absolute white noise and noone else.

How can i start feeling better right now? this is so painful. Cant he just ring me, hopefully if he is asleep he will. But then i fear hell be dramatic and say something like i cant know u anymore because i have to move - or soemthing like that.
He will make it harder emotionally.

All i want is to be able to talk on the phone and meet up and go for walks keeping our distance. And all i want is to be able to work out and talk about when he might might be moving and how we plan to stay in touch and make it everyday. But i know he gets all emotional and will prob turn me away because he cant handle it. Soemthing like that. idk. All i know is he last abruptly was a bit rude to me and really unwell and said he would ring last night and i never got a ring. And hes had to disconnect all his social media because that made his psychosis and he never bothered to read any of my messages to him , every account was just deleted so he left me with no way to contact him but his home phone which im too scared to ring because hs likely asleep or it will feel unwelcomed and i got phone phobia. Hes really made it hard for me. Ive been abandoned and hrt.

 

[grapevine]

nSo after a long few days. Rugs actually phoned me. He phoned me and asked wht id been up to and if i were doing anything today. I jumped at the chance to go for a walk with him. Its like my whole spark in me came back. The horror of lonliness and rejection and like hitting my head at a wall with 100 percent anguish anxiety. I really needed that old rugs the one that was just okay - u know with no expectations of course.
The person that i had been in contact with everyday for 4-5 years has suddenly gone ill in the head more than ever and basically is rejecting me.

In the time of the pandemic.

Its really hard.

So because i couldn't message him, he deleted any Facebook, any Instagram, any online of himself - because of his delusions and psychosis.
Even when i was replying to him - it was never read. He just deleted everything. Nothing was thought of on my end and i have to not take it personally - because he is very ill. You cant make sense of someone ill like that. But its very very upsetting and sad.

So last night and for myself i might add, i just had to express myself - i had to get in some contact with him. Its been horrible with an abrupt of him being ill and not knowing anything else.

Its felt terribly cruel. I didnt know if he was in hospital or anything. tho hed been at home. So i drew a get well card and wrote nice things in there and delivered it to his mailbox in the morning. Only thing is the bins were out and i accidentally put it in the wrong letterbox.
When he rang this morning, he seemed like he was his normal self but without emotion much. I mean i have compassion for the horrors of what ever it would be like to be in psychosis. But i cant not say he brought it on himself.

He didnt want to go check the neighbors letterbox or ask about my lettter for him. It had his name on it anyway.Its prob still in the wrong letterbox. I just really wanted him to read it- like if he read it he might flip back like hes done before. Hell return to some sanity and say sorry and all that. That hell realise he has heart in him - or as he says bring him out the dark.

but i dont think hell see it idk.





So today after feeling better from actually hearing from him, and getting ready to meet up and go for a walk. He rang as i was in the bathroom and said that he wouldnt be able to go for a walk or anything like that. And i ask oh why, and his reply was he didnt know. And then hang up on me.
And that was that.

So of course. I broke down , again. Painful inside it feels.
This is a person i could never get rid of, a person who was always over here. A person who would say he adores me and loves me and would never hurt me and would always be there for me. Regardless of his mental problems and all that comes with that. I always had a basis.

But now, to treat me so badly.

I know hes very mentally ill right now - i know that. I just dont know how to process this at moment. I have contacted my therapist for a much earlier session as im desperate.

So this morning when i was on the phone to him which was brief. He basically wont let me say anything and it becomes conditional and he hangs up on me. Its been like that since a few days - or all wek im not sure. But its been really not nice to me.

So when i told him when he rang that i sent him a letter as i didnt know wht was going on. He said why didnt i just ring his home phone.
So today around lunch a few hours after he hang up on me and told me he wasnt going to see me. I actually got the courage to ring his home phone. I was trembling and my biggest fear was that he was going to reject me and hang up on me and thats why i wouldnt ring in the first place.

And so i rang up and i said ' I know u are unwell at the moment, but when uve been hurtful'. And he just says ill talk to u tonight and hangs up on me. Even when i was still talking.

Anyway time i try to talk its like his signal to run away.

For what ever reason - it might be something he hears telling him otherwise in his mond who knows. It might be because hell have to move with his family that he cannot bear to hear from me and cant distinguish why, idk.

But this is very hard for me.
Ive had to console to my mum. She feels terribly sorry for me. She mentions the horrific time i had in my 20s after the abuse of that guy and now this guy is basically killing me indirectly with emotional abuse because he is ill.

Wht can i do about it.

I was desperate for company to have my old friend back. Ive always had to endure things with him and i would most of the time have to sway all my own stuff just for him. When i wanted my space he would always want to be over all the time.

Now its such a weird feeling - to feel unwanted and not have him wanting to see me. I mean i go to think maybe it was just him wanting to get out and come over my place - i meant its a nice 5 acres with views and animals.
And because of the virus and my parents health he cant come over.

I dont know how to feel what to do.
I dont want to hurt myself further waiting on him and feeling more and more hurt and rejected. But it was only like 4 5 6 days ago he got me a present with his sister - just little things. up until now hed been writing cards to me and drawing for me. Drawing comedy.

And then after this grant from the government - this stimulis he must of spent his money on ice as he said hed been having alot of that for 3 weeks. I mean - you know - ive always had my opinions on that anyway. But u cant stop someone.
He must of had so much and then stayed in his room and went on social media looking up people and putting clues and silly things thinking he can control people - he went all overboard because he knew he couldnt get that need of going out and coming to mine from me.
Well thats wht i think. And he didnt sleep for 3 days. And then all of a sudden pyschosis where he thought hed or still thinks hed been possessed.
and that there was an underworld like on the stranger things.

And becaues of all that, he has to treat me - the person he has been closest to for 4-5 years and knows my background of abuse - and treats me like this.

I know i am impatient - its the anxiety. Its just right now i feel like i really really need him back - and how long is this going to go on and how am i going to cope without that person now whilst this pandemic is on. It really hurts when you hear messages everywhere that says its important to connect with the people you love and spread love and all that. To connect online because everyone is in anxiety at the moment. Yet i cant rely on him. I cant have that. He just knocks me at every level. It just is really cruel and i dont care how he is ill right now- like he didnt know after only last month his sister going into psychosis and now he does and they smoked the some drugs. Like they both have schizophrenia what the hell did they think was going to happen. And their poor mum.

I had a horrible nightmare last night where i went into rugs house and he was getting out the shower and his mum told me off and said they are all moving because they wanted me to feel pain like she had after her husband died.

It was horrible.


I know im my heart that i really just have to push throught this and its more important than ever for me to curb my indepenence from my folks at home and find something to make me feel like rugs made me feel but within myself. And to also take it by a bit longer than days. Make it weeks.

I have big fears that theyll leave and move house like they are saying they are going to (the mother and sister and him) and i wont even know. I fear that he will be left like this and ill have to deal with all the dead ends with no explaination and all that. that its going to rip right through me.
I mean right now - he knows he has hurt me - i rang up to tell him. And yet he doesnt care or he is preoccupied in the mind. It just makes me feel like a stranger like a nothing all of a sudden and all i ever did was support him.

So i feel like even though i am begging and waiting for him to ring me and i know he probably wont that if he does i should really hang up on him. I should really show him that im not nothing and that he needs to reapect me. And that hes the one loosing me if he even in his illness and what ever narrative is in his mind, that im not someone to be treated like that. He can be treated like that instead.
You know.

He hurts everytime lately i have been in contact with him. Ive been in tears and that is because he hasnt been himself - its ben short sharp and hanging up on me and conditional and very cruel. No explanations. And im going through that as im going through like everyone else this pandemic.

Ive at least let my pyschologist know i think - hopefully it was the right letterbox i sent her a letter. I feel like i need to do everything about self care. I need to stop thinking and aching for him to ring up and thinking about that 24/7 every minute. Its just when i dont i feel like i used to be, alone and alone and alone and stuck with my parents and feel like nothing. low Self esteem and isolation and things. I mean i have a relationship with my dad that isnt exactly respectable for me. I mean for instance, hes been doing cemementing and ive been helping him - but its not an ask i just have to. Thats what its always like with him. I mean hes old and i help him anyway but he never asks or tells u when u have to drop everything.

I also fear this winter coming on and feeling the reals of a breakup if that is what htis is i dont know. I mean should i take this for a week and how am i supposed to just forget about it.

 

[grapevine]

So its the 5th of May 2020.

Rugs had his drug-induced psychosis as well as his sister. That was a really tough few weeks for me because i was used to having hi as my only social connection being an SA. And then, it just stopped suddenly. My attempts to ring him them (which took guts for me on his home phone as i didnt know who would pick up) and when he picked up he hung up on me or interrupted me and said hed talk later and then hung up on me. I had no idea what was going on. I didnt know he was in psychosis and i didnt even know the extent to his drug problem and certainly didnt know his sister was involved too.

So it was me fretting what was going on and feeling completely rejected and I thought it was because his mum and sister were moving sometime soon (well they want to) out of this city and I thought rug's mentallity was that he realised he is unable to support himself and that he just decided to cut me off as it would be easier for him. Well that is what i thought and it was a horrible 2 weeks of no social contact that i was used to. It was really not a nice feeling to be used to talking to someone about anything and then they arent there day after day and hour after hour and in the night and nothing, nothing, nothing, and no explanation. I think i cried every hour and felt so bad. Like a white noise as i had similar issues of rejection in my past a long time ago.

I had no idea he was in pyschosis. Youd think his sister or mum wouldve let me know.

Anyways once he did get contact with me and i saw him the first time in a fortnight, he looked very shakey and unwell. I met up with him a few times for a walk here in there in the park and he was all over the place emotionally and distraught that aliens where around and his mum and sister controlled the space around him and were out to get him. He wanted to move out then and there. He also showed me his electric guitar he took out to the park apparently and hit it on the ground till it was damaged. Later when i met up with him he showed me his guitar and was upset about it, depsite for what ever reason he did it himself.

He was loud and swearing about his mum and sister thought they were ganging up on him and aliens or something. Passers by were walking fast to get away, it was a tough time.
He also walked everywhere which was unusual and even stood in line at the welfare place because he was paranoid about his welfare card, he even walked in the night and in the rain and drove places - and in one incident let go of the wheel driving fast in another country town, then stopped himself. Like where was his mum and sister to stop him in psychosis from driving?

Then after all that, he suddenly returns normal 3-5 days later to his almost old self. Taking another week to ward off the hallucinations and thoughts.

And that was all that drama.
I have learnt to (overtime) depart myself emotionally from him. Some people have red flags, he is all a red flag.
But yet im lonely so i put up with it. And ive known him for over 4 years now and I feel empathy (not respect) but empathy.

For someone almost 37, its just very depressing. He is literally very depressed all the time, but not just that - emotionally all over the place and wierd thoughts like a child trying to show off, he can act immature and think immature and unable to plan or pre-percieve things, unable to concentrate on even a tv show or movie and thinks social media is all about how his page looks and not about people ur friends with. He thinks he gets people suicidal because of his pages. He believes that what people look like in thier faces is what they can do in life - or something like that.

He has an awful lot of cringe-worthy weird crazy stuff he thinks and says and u have to put up this mental wall and it gets lonely still. Its like ur lonely but you're hanging out with a crazy person. Not only that, but he still thinks we are a thing and in a relationship - and thats my fault too, but u cant talk to this guy like an adult. He acts like a child and easily pounces on you. He has shown for years that he cant see things from others perspectives unless he has time like over a day to think about it, even then hes still not entirely able to. So everything with him is all my stuff bottled up and enduring his craziness.

See the schizophrenia of his is a particular genetic one and personalized. His brain is very damaged from drugs too.

 

[grapevine]

and no real The mindsets we value and goals and dreams and things like that as well as memory and planning and being responsible for our actions and thoughts and patience and being able to hold deep connections with others and engage in an understanding of things- all of the things like that rugs basically is limited from or cannot do.

Because of his schizophrenia and his brain damage.

It gets frustrating where he cannot see his own behavior in others' eyes. Only a glimpse every now and then. I mean he is a very loyal person and honest person. More than anyone ive ever known. But he also lost to his own mind most of the time and in depression too.

His mind is based on impulsive emotions. U cannot rely on him for things because of this. And it gets beyond pathetic.
He does things the way that makes people give up. For instance ull give him a present and he wont open or use it for a year and then give it away because hes forgot then a week later want a thing like he gave away. Things like that that make u just cringe. It gets like that all the time. Things that make u just think he needs a personal assistant so that he knows what he is doing.

This by the way is a rant. And its healthy for me : ) lol

One of the things that gets frustrating is that he cannot do anything to help himself. He needs help for that and my therapist wrote to his treating doctor that he could do with a mental health care team. But nothing has happened.

I see him suffer. And its like I can see what he needs but he cant. His cognitive abilities are very small and he ends up everyday saying hes just cleaning his room _ thats his go to thing to do. He cant watch anything - like netflix he gets from me or anything because he just lacks the concentration, he has no hobbies except for playing the guitar but he basically broke his guitar during his psychosis. So hell just sleep all the time instead. And by sleep i mean hell go to bed round 5 in the afternoon and sleep all night and then all the next day. At first i think it might of been ice the drug he was on but he says he is off that now. So i think its the antipsychotic medication mixed with his schizophrenia and mixed with depression.

thing is he lives with his mum and sister and they cant really do anything.
He just basically cant do anything. He is left to his own demise with his illness when he should have people helping him keep active with hobbies and things and working and stuff like that. He can respond really well socially and basically as much as he denies it, he really only ever does things like watch a tv show or movie unless he has company. Otherwise he just doesnt do anything really but arrange pictures on social media and thins his paranoia and delusions.

And then his sister who has schizophrenia too, those two together will combine their delusions and make them become stronger. Its something u just dont want to be around.

anyways all this i just have to look after me and put him aside. But i do make positive contributions to him. I am his friend despite all his dramas over the years - even tho he thinks we are more than that and that is my fault because i dont say anything but like i said he is unable to even see things from my persepective and unable to have an adult conversation about things as his mind is emotional and impulsive and he gets very depressed and so on anyway. It would break him so i just disturbingly and wrongfully go ahead with it also because im lonely and i dont want to be shut off with noone esp during this covid 19.

So i do take him and we go for an hour walk every morning up a few hills and so on as a routiene and that really does some good for structure and so on.
but all his stuff, im not his carer or mother. I do my best but i need to look after myself. It just gets really hard when he talks about being with me for ever and is inlove with me and wants a child with me. Ive had talks with him many times about not wanting a child with him because of genetics and so on and that he cannot provide at all etc - i said it in the nicest way possible but was frought with abuse on me about how i cant do anything without planning it for years and then not doing it and about how i read too much and never do etc. lol This is a person that never has 2 cents to his name because he had a drug problem and smokes and is unable to do basic things.

Yet those conversations means he just forgets about them and talks in a gesture way about having a child. It makes it so hard for me because he cannot see the disadvantages ive been through with him, he cannot see himself for the severe limitations he holds and he that would severely limit my own life.
Ive told him my dream before and he thinks he could get the money for a place and stuff and yet thats as far as his thought goes lol. He is unable to realise that if he wanted those things he should be saving up lol and working and so on.

Its like dealing with a child.

And meanwhile im dealing with my own midlife crisis of 2 years away from 40 and my body clock ticking and feeling so hurt when ever i see women with kids and a partner now. I feel like because im still at home with my parents and ive only got savings under $7000 - and i dont work atm but im a disability pension for my sp. I feel like its impossible to get a man and have a child in a short amount of time and then theres rugs in the way and feelings i have for him which is hard to decypher but its mostly just a dream of what he could be combined with knowing him and memories - its not what he is and for me - its been such a rocky road that being around him sevrely hurt my health with a stress breakdown that i couldnt hardly move. You know.

I have desires and i feel like him and his own desires on me makes me feel so limited and like im never going to be able to get anywhere.

 

[grapevine]

Today is rugs bday.

I made him my famous popular vegan german gingerbread in the shape of doughnuts. I also got a cheap bucket and filled with all sorts of sweets. I made a label on it called 'Candy Coma' lol. And some other things i got him.

Hes been so depressing and im always eager for interaction out of my loneliness. He basically never bothers to read a thing i write and thats been going on for years. you know like in messenger, for some reason he just can't be bothered scrolling up and reading like ever. It gets very frustrating it always has. He cant even be bothered or unable to concentrate and write so hell just send a voice message or talk so it types what u say. And always short and sharp just about. You know I he is a sick man and I just can't put any simple expectation on him it becomes very unfair for me.

Thing is with him he just sleeps now. like all the time and im not talking about just one day, im talking about 5 days and nights. Things like that. The amount of sleeping i thought was impossible to do. For example yesterday he went to bed at 3 in the afternoon and wakes up at 10:30-11 in the morning. Then goes back to sleep at 1 in the afternoon. Its ridiculous.

I am always up at 8 in the morning. I messaged him a happy birthday and proceeded to finish his presents - thats what id been doing all morning.
Id also been waiting for a reply like i always wait for that usually is something of a few seconds voice recording about going back to bed or what ever.

I basically write to him all the time but im basically writing to noone cause i know he hasnt the ability to read things or bother or care he just cant concentrate. So i get quite lonely.

Hes gone to back to bed on his birthday, said he was tired. In the morning i asked if his family got anything for him and he replied yes and so I asked what and he said he didnt know and would look later. Obv he hasnt looked and just gone back to bed.

It just makes me so frustrated and deeply disrespecting of him. Because, on my bdays which i plan we always go out to an animal park for the day and he gets me some presents (by presents i mean he rushes with his sister the day before and they go out to 2nd hand shops and buy the stupist things thinking they are so good lol - i mean junk and extremely bad junk- and hell say how good he was with all the great presents he got me - and ill sit there painfully opening them wrapped in newspaper - weird junk like a video game from the 90s i cant use or a vhs of a movie i dont like even tho i havent a vhs, or old kids books that arent special in any way - loads of kids books -) things like that. Its a thing for me to sit there and unwrap those presents and say thanku and say good things and so on even when its beyond questioning his sanity. Esp bad when iv had an audience with me unwrapping his stuff.
Point is can u imagine if i said to him i was going to sleep instead and that was that?
Imagine if i just wasnt interested in the presents and left them. He has done this many times before. Left xmas presents and not unwrapped them or months. Food that was there rottted. That sort of thing.

I thought today wed go do something because it was his bday depsite feeling like i didnt want to. I just hate how he is just this person who has no interests now other then every now and then talking about how he is only interested in himself and doesnt need anyone and then goes into delusions of granduier.

Im just sick of it. Im the one always having to over give without getting anything back. Its still going on. Im sorry he is ill and most probably going through depression and exacuastion from drug withdrawl of taking ice weekly since 2014.

Its very unfair on me. So what i just have to do is to forget about him. I mean i have sympathy for him but its not doing me any good reaching out anymore. I need to just mirror his behaviour somewhat. REspect myself and just do my things get on with my own stuff. Put him way out of my proirities like he does. He doesnt even know what he is doing all the time anyways.

Point is he is not even friend material. you cannot rely on him, that back and forth of favours that is un said about that naturally occurs in friendships doesnt occur with him.

I just need to forget about him. If he cant be bothered caring about others why should i care about him. He just lets everyone down all of the time and its always like he is allowed boundaries but im not.

 

[grapevine]

Its June 28 2020.

Such a beautiful Sunday today. Sunny day in the height of winter.
Today i went to work at this big opp shop i volunteer at. I basically get all toys and make little packets for kids to buy as well as anything toys that comes in. I enjoy making packets of things and presenting it how i know kids will want and price them ready to be put out on the tables on the shop floor. Its a good zone out and for a good cause.
Ive been volunteering there for over a year now.

Ive been so anxious and depressed tho for the past few months its been the worst that im glad im not in that bad right now. Everything always comes down to my choice of letting schizophrenic Russell (rugs i would call him on here). Gosh i think about what i have endured and how stressful it actually has been over 4 years. Its been so very stressful that it has made me go through adrenal fatigue, put on so much weight that im obese now, go through extreme anxiety all the time that i find it hard to function and depression and now panic attacks.

Even trying to digest food is bad with anxiety.

But im not trying to run away with a script of 'poor me'.

But i will write my heart out again because i need the outlet.


So this last week Russell has been talking in an accent he seems to think is like a us fbi man. So hes not talking in his own voice but a deep fbi man American accent. The voice he does is in a mocking way, an almost negative sarcasm. And hell go on talking to himself and everyone else in that way and also - having conversations with himself and laughing. Muttering in the accent to himself.

He did this the start of the year. And wasnt well. There was alot of stress in his house as his sister was in psychosis then. Both of them have been regular ice or meth users. The sister kept it quiet until she went crazy more and the mother (who lives with them) had to take her to a hospital for a while to get better. Then Russell went and offered her ice again appartently. I was actually shocked that she took drugs too like russell. I always wondered why she didnt tell Russell off and things like that for drug taking. I have but it doesnt matter. I just put up my boundaries and get passive anger and depression of his choices.

He thinks we are still an item but for me even tho i still say i am ( because im too lonely to put my big girl pants on and actually say stuff) but at the same time is crazy and going off taking drugs and acting wierd. Like does he not realise what that would do to a so called partner let alone one with an anxiety disorder?

Im in this zone where im so mentally and physically over-stressed from him that to leave him a bit means im lonely and noone to share anything with and depressed and yet to stay with him means not being my true self and putting up with so much stress that it actually hinders my own health to get up and do life and find new people. It makes me just so exhausted that i dont have the mental energy for anyone and even anything half the time.
And everyday for the past 4 years has been me trying to find that inbetween where i have a friend but i have my boundaries with my self esteem in tact and actually have my life growing for once and again and not feeling trod on by his life.

I mean i cant say things to him i just want to be friends. Ive done that in the past so many times and unless hes said it he forgets it and just treats me like a partner still. I mean its nice for a person to be all nice to you, but u have to have all thier 'stuff' on your shoulders and this is a guy that is the most mentally ill you can almost get.

Hes the essence of insane.

 

[grapevine]

so havent heard from russell since yesterday when at volounteering he decided to go home and didnt want to do it anymore. he was acting almost psychotic, not scared but just rambling about weird things in different voices. He wasnt all himself. Its scarey like that. He can lash out and be loud and swear at you if say something about how he is. so u let it go. Funny noone really noticed him acting strange and noone did anything. He later in the day came over to say hi (half an hour after he went home had a shower and walked back to the workplace) then procalimed he was going for a walk - which he never does and i say to oh are u going to the beach? His reply, no im just going anywhere and walks out. Talking and laughing to himself. He rambles to himself as if he is upset because he cant do anything without anyone but doesnt realise that its inapropriate to need people for him to do things. Its like he is mad at everyone because he has nothing to do. He thinks he would be famous with his guitar if his friend from town would come over more. Hes in a delusional world.
So anyways, i havent seen or heard from him since yesterday. And usually i hear from him everyday. I told him yesterday that i was blocked in messenger for not being with fbs terms and conditions which likely was an algorythym issue with a photo i had but he wasnt even listening or caring what i was saying i made it clear that if he wanted to contact me do it on the home phone and of course nothing which is rare. This all happened not too long ago about 2 months ago when he had pyschosis obv because he takes drugs. So im sure its either that or on its way to that and you know what, i made a thing to not care last night, i sent messages beforehand from another fb account telling him he could contact me there but didnt get anything. So i decided to not waste my anxiety getting depressed and all just because of him like all the time im so tired of it. Ive given up caring and im trying to get on with my life with my emotional boundaries from him. If he wanted to contact me he would. So for that and not caring about me and how all this would affect me even if he is ill

 

[grapevine]

Im getting a bit better lately. Taken a long time to really push my boundaries. Boundaries can not just be about you and other people but also about the things you do and have in your life and choosing what to have and do. I worked out over some time now that i feel I ultimately have Avoidance Personality Disorder, it would account to the years and im talking from age 17 to 38 of being anti-social in my life. There wer a huge amount of environmental factors that contributed but also genetics.

But its okay. Im not so sensitve anymore about things, ive let go quite a bit, but its the meeting new people i feel like i have to be my best self and when im not, i just dont or cant approach new people, esp with any sense of a friendship because ive got too much less in me to do so when im low.

Whats made me so low over the years is rugs. Yes hes still in my life but only just tolerating him. Its not his fault what hes like, so im not frustrated at him directly but more on always feeling like im a babysitter for him. It can be so painfully stark from his side of things that he just drains you so much.
Here can be a guy that will ring up and then not say anything on the phone and have just this silence the whole time unless i start talking and of course i do because i cant take awkardness. You know hes a nice man, i dont see him as my partner but he does and hes too ill to really take any dramas right now. Anyone could see if they looked in properly how its very unfair to me to be in that sort of relationship with him. And i realise that for myself. You cant help but come to a point where you just cannot trust the person mentally on anything or to do anything or what ever, like theres nothing there and its like your mean and stuff for thinking that, but hes either like a vegetable with avolition and no motivation to really do a thing or hes also in some world in his head that when he does start to talk about his stuff its all just crazy and delusional. The worst things are that he cannot see this and how it feels on the other end. He recently mentioned how he deletes messenger messages daily and i said why? and he had no real reason other than things can disturb him or something. I told him waste of time but of course you cant argue with a person like that in delusional world. So i cant really send a funny gif or so because he gets disturbed by it but yet over the years and still today he can so what he wants online and wouldnt care if that severely disturbed me at all. So many times like almost daily for years as i was still in my mind considering trying to still be in the relationship because of my issues, just imagine with an anxiety disorder and going onto facebook or instagram and seeing disturbing excessive amounts of the same selfie of himself with a weird serious pupils dilated expression, and when i mean excessive i mean taking sometimes 600 a day and uploading that. And it would have weird commenting from himself under the photos with obscure messages as if to say girls were watching him and he didnt like them or men. It was ultra disturbing. Because hed appear distant but normal, laughing having fun and his normal issues and somewhat like a normal person and then id go on his social media and see that and it would break me down into anxiety attacks like you wouldnt believe because presented in front of you is how crazy this one person is that is beyond sanity and yet is the only person your socialising with. And what would happen is because i eventually would just keep it in because confronting it would just be like opening a panderas box of crazy from him, a delusional world of no explnations of which i used to confront and try to help untangle with him would leave me breathless physically and then over time so emotionally exausted and physucally exausted, eventually what would happen is you would start turning the frustration inward at yourself over and over and it would cause a huge mess of depression and so on. Im not just talking about online here, there were so many similar things that were crazy that i had to tolerate and my feelings on any of it was not able to be thought of even if I mentioned it, it was always about him. And yet now still after all this realising this guy is beyond help and really ill and i have wasted so much of everything on him that im in such a horrid situation with myself and my health and everything else. I decide to emotionally keep away from him. He can be there in my life but i cant tolerate him much at all. YEt he knows nothing of this. And i cant tell him because he is unable to see things from my side and realise what hes put me thru with his illness and beforethat his drug habit. He basically wrecked me. Im so tired of having to talk in a conversation with him because there is none yet he wants to talk on the phone yet he cant talk - do you know how much energy it takes to talk to someone who doesnt talk. To find something to talk about at him. Im so tired of him saying one thing and doing the opposite, unable to plan anything and only being able to act in the moment. Like you have to treat him like a child, you have to remind him to get his jumper on in the middle of winter if we are going for a walk because hell just turn up in tshirt and be like its cold.. and well have to go back, or to remind him to bring food or drink to a day out if need be. He is unableto do those things. To have to think for someone else thats an adult when you have anxiety sux. The things he does like really want to come over to mine in the afternoon to watch a funy show on nf in my bed. I dont want to but hes all depressed and so i have to rush my tea and put off my own things. I have to psych myself up and think positive like it will be fun to watch this together and yet he comes over and just falls asleep within 30 mins. I mean dead sleep in my bed, meaning i cant do anything i wanted and his big fat unhygenic lard is lumped on my bed and i rushed my tea and gave up wanting to clean my room and do my own things just for that. I try to wake him. It ends up with me feeling like the rude one, yet i asked him that day what time he went to bed the night before and his answer was 4:30, so i say i dont think youll be able to make it to mine youll be too tired you should stay home and get some sleep, his response is he feels good now in the moment so in his mind he cannot think that maybe hell crash in a few hours as he can only think on impulse and so on. So obv he falls asleep. And he does this so often. Like whats the point?Its so annoying, hes like this nobody because he cant really concentrate on things and has nothing to do at home, he just sits and cleans his room, all his money is on smoking and a bit on rent. So he actually never has any savings. Then like today he tells me hes in fbi mode , im like what the hell are you on about lol. I question what he means by that and he cant even really answer. But basically hes been doing weird postings on the social media sites once again that is so embarressing and he thinks people are acting werd and kee going to his pages to look at him so hes going to spy or something.
Do you think as a person with anxiety disorder and social anxiety and social avoidance disorder wants to tolerate all this? Im just so tired of it.

 

[Miserum]

Im getting a bit better lately. Taken a long time to really push my boundaries. Boundaries can not just be about you and other people but also about the things you do and have in your life and choosing what to have and do. I worked out over some time now that i feel I ultimately have Avoidance Personality Disorder, it would account to the years and im talking from age 17 to 38 of being anti-social in my life. There wer a huge amount of environmental factors that contributed but also genetics.

But its okay. Im not so sensitve anymore about things, ive let go quite a bit, but its the meeting new people i feel like i have to be my best self and when im not, i just dont or cant approach new people, esp with any sense of a friendship because ive got too much less in me to do so when im low.

Whats made me so low over the years is rugs. Yes hes still in my life but only just tolerating him. Its not his fault what hes like, so im not frustrated at him directly but more on always feeling like im a babysitter for him. It can be so painfully stark from his side of things that he just drains you so much.
Here can be a guy that will ring up and then not say anything on the phone and have just this silence the whole time unless i start talking and of course i do because i cant take awkardness. You know hes a nice man, i dont see him as my partner but he does and hes too ill to really take any dramas right now. Anyone could see if they looked in properly how its very unfair to me to be in that sort of relationship with him. And i realise that for myself. You cant help but come to a point where you just cannot trust the person mentally on anything or to do anything or what ever, like theres nothing there and its like your mean and stuff for thinking that, but hes either like a vegetable with avolition and no motivation to really do a thing or hes also in some world in his head that when he does start to talk about his stuff its all just crazy and delusional. The worst things are that he cannot see this and how it feels on the other end. He recently mentioned how he deletes messenger messages daily and i said why? and he had no real reason other than things can disturb him or something. I told him waste of time but of course you cant argue with a person like that in delusional world. So i cant really send a funny gif or so because he gets disturbed by it but yet over the years and still today he can so what he wants online and wouldnt care if that severely disturbed me at all. So many times like almost daily for years as i was still in my mind considering trying to still be in the relationship because of my issues, just imagine with an anxiety disorder and going onto facebook or instagram and seeing disturbing excessive amounts of the same selfie of himself with a weird serious pupils dilated expression, and when i mean excessive i mean taking sometimes 600 a day and uploading that. And it would have weird commenting from himself under the photos with obscure messages as if to say girls were watching him and he didnt like them or men. It was ultra disturbing. Because hed appear distant but normal, laughing having fun and his normal issues and somewhat like a normal person and then id go on his social media and see that and it would break me down into anxiety attacks like you wouldnt believe because presented in front of you is how crazy this one person is that is beyond sanity and yet is the only person your socialising with. And what would happen is because i eventually would just keep it in because confronting it would just be like opening a panderas box of crazy from him, a delusional world of no explnations of which i used to confront and try to help untangle with him would leave me breathless physically and then over time so emotionally exausted and physucally exausted, eventually what would happen is you would start turning the frustration inward at yourself over and over and it would cause a huge mess of depression and so on. Im not just talking about online here, there were so many similar things that were crazy that i had to tolerate and my feelings on any of it was not able to be thought of even if I mentioned it, it was always about him. And yet now still after all this realising this guy is beyond help and really ill and i have wasted so much of everything on him that im in such a horrid situation with myself and my health and everything else. I decide to emotionally keep away from him. He can be there in my life but i cant tolerate him much at all. YEt he knows nothing of this. And i cant tell him because he is unable to see things from my side and realise what hes put me thru with his illness and beforethat his drug habit. He basically wrecked me. Im so tired of having to talk in a conversation with him because there is none yet he wants to talk on the phone yet he cant talk - do you know how much energy it takes to talk to someone who doesnt talk. To find something to talk about at him. Im so tired of him saying one thing and doing the opposite, unable to plan anything and only being able to act in the moment. Like you have to treat him like a child, you have to remind him to get his jumper on in the middle of winter if we are going for a walk because hell just turn up in tshirt and be like its cold.. and well have to go back, or to remind him to bring food or drink to a day out if need be. He is unableto do those things. To have to think for someone else thats an adult when you have anxiety sux. The things he does like really want to come over to mine in the afternoon to watch a funy show on nf in my bed. I dont want to but hes all depressed and so i have to rush my tea and put off my own things. I have to psych myself up and think positive like it will be fun to watch this together and yet he comes over and just falls asleep within 30 mins. I mean dead sleep in my bed, meaning i cant do anything i wanted and his big fat unhygenic lard is lumped on my bed and i rushed my tea and gave up wanting to clean my room and do my own things just for that. I try to wake him. It ends up with me feeling like the rude one, yet i asked him that day what time he went to bed the night before and his answer was 4:30, so i say i dont think youll be able to make it to mine youll be too tired you should stay home and get some sleep, his response is he feels good now in the moment so in his mind he cannot think that maybe hell crash in a few hours as he can only think on impulse and so on. So obv he falls asleep. And he does this so often. Like whats the point?Its so annoying, hes like this nobody because he cant really concentrate on things and has nothing to do at home, he just sits and cleans his room, all his money is on smoking and a bit on rent. So he actually never has any savings. Then like today he tells me hes in fbi mode , im like what the hell are you on about lol. I question what he means by that and he cant even really answer. But basically hes been doing weird postings on the social media sites once again that is so embarressing and he thinks people are acting werd and kee going to his pages to look at him so hes going to spy or something.
Do you think as a person with anxiety disorder and social anxiety and social avoidance disorder wants to tolerate all this? Im just so tired of it.

If you haven't already (sorry, can't remember) I think both you and him need to attend therapy, separately, to resolve these issues.

I've had painful, toxic people in my own life that I've felt dragging me down, dragging me down, dragging me down... and then I'd look at their faults and circumstances and feel sympathy for them, so I stuck around.

Eventually I just said to fuck with that, because I felt they were holding me back, and I ended those relationships. And I was right. They were holding me back. I'm 100% better off without them.

At some point you need to start living your own life. Everyone has their own tragedies. Is it your responsibility forever to pile someone else's tragedies onto your own?

I think talking these things out with an actual therapist would be helpful, and probably lead to some actionable plans about what to do so Rugs does not feel abandoned, and you feel justified in your leap into independence.

 

[grapevine]

Havent been on in a while.

Thanks Miserum for your generous input. I took that in and emotionally left Rugs to himself, which i had been doing but i decided to close off those little bits in me that still accepted him, mainly because everything in me emotionally had been so tightened anyway. Rugs being still in my life at the time.

Now its end of January 2021. I do see a therapist, one ive seen since prob 2004 haha. Shes good. She has papers of my notes shes taken over the years that look like a new york city phone book lol.

Rugs still in my life till the other day. Before that, hed been someone i just didnt go out with much at all. Someone i would talk to on messenger though and that basically was our relationship at that stage with occasional going out somewhere with him like a walk or to the shops prob a few times a month. I could never get the courage to break it off with him as he still thought of us as bf/gf. I could never reject him and worry of the consequences. I would just wear him out of never really being able to do things with him because my health had declined and he become very frustrated and depressed about it. It sounds cruel but to dump him, him being a person that finds it very hard to regulate his emotions and almost impossible to reflect on himself, it just became a headache and of course people with schizophrenia can have high sucide rates. Add in my own selfish reasons of not wanting to be alone - knowing this person over 5 years personally intimately, even though he generally has displayed mania and insanity along with a drug addiction, there have been millions of pockets inbetween that where its like talking to someone who really knows everything about you and connects with you, kinda like a close cousin or brother or sister or partner. They know everything and you know everything. This is me, coming from a social phobia background of avoiding any friends since year 2000 lol. To have an intimate personal relationship with someone, just to be able to talk was something that brought me out of the social jail id been in all those years. So giving up Rugs was something that was just too hard for me. Instead i just gave up on any intimate relationship with him , i dont mean physical even tho i gave that up years ago from him. I mean emotional.
I mean for him to have these severe delusions of insanity over and over again, have a meth addiction, have really bad psychosis over and over again and also bouts of aggressiveness and constant personality changes over and over again, thats not even the half of it.
But in general, hed be doing all this stuff and yet get back to me like nothing at all happened and expect me to be full blown lovey-dovey with him and to trust him and be deluded wanting me to move and get a place with him.
I came to realize that over the years his illness has gotten far, far worse. It def put me in a bed for years and made me obese. Something im happy to say i am finally working on and getting back to my old self even though its early days yet.

I realize that all that meth he has taken over the years ( and mind you, ive never had anything to do with, im chemically sensitive and cant even walk past someone smoking let alone drugs and its against my values) and all the meth induced psychosis as well as stress induced psychosis, it has seemed like each time he has had them, he has later gotten much, much worse mentally. I understand that it can take years to get over just one pyschosis.
This guy rugs, he would get into a full blown pyschosis from huge amounts of meth and his doctor make a house visit to inject anti psychotic in him ( he already takes that fortnightly, but doctor has to give extra dose on the spot).
Then he recovers and has gone and gone back on the stuff the next week or so and gone back into pyschosis again.

I mean he must have erosion in areas of the brain doing that. I have noticed over the years that his schizophrenic symptoms are so much worse than they were. For instance he just cannot plan at anymore, it doesnt even cross his mind really. He finds it quite hard, even though you wouldnt and he wouldnt know it. Everything is impulsive instead. Impulsivity in him leads his thinking. He has avolition pretty hardcore. Meaning he lacks any motivation to be able to do anything much.
So much so, that he was basically coming to me frustrated and telling me off that he has to sit in his home all day because i dont go out with him much anymore. He was telling me off and not realizing the absurdity of it. Trying to reason with him, he just took as offensive.

So for him and his life, everything he does is the same more than most people. There isnt much outside of the box because he cannot concentrate, he cannot calm down, and he has limited attention on things that dont concern him. His world is deluded, with him being a world wide celebrity in his subconsciousness, where what people say he can take literally, emotionally and link it all to a spec on a carpet to mean something to him. Hes obsessed with his idenity. And he cannot reflecton on himself , or very, very little perhaps.

Having a relationship with him has been loss of needs and so many lacks and having to educate yourself on his condition almost daily in order to insight yourself and remind yourself compassion and understanding and the reality of the relationship. Its a huge effort to do all that, and to have to let him go, in his own fractured world when your with him, even though it may seem so frustrating like when hes telling you off that you dont be more intimate (in the past) and not actually being able to see at all what he is like in the relationship.
Thats what it was for me. A whole lot of understanding from me and gracefully just stepping back emotionally all the time to protect myself and then him getting mad and frustrated or just understanding by me saying im not well, just because he hasnt the ability to reflect and see what he has been like. Even with dramatic things like him meeting me in the park and being in full blown psychosis and agitated and asking me if im a spy or others are spies lol and pacing being unable to calm down. All because of a huge amount of meth. Hed then go home and get the help from his doctor and his mum and sister and then emerge days later uneasy but being okay to then a month or so later and not even an inch being able to realise what something like that would be like on me. Not at all lol. Its crazy. He cant put two and two together. Why would i pull back from him more and more? All the crazy stuff hes done perhaps? lol. See, its all about him and his needs and its not that he is selfish, its just that his brain cannot understand or perhaps communicate to me these things.

 

[grapevine]

Anyways, few days ago i were on messenger and i had said (because my car doesn't work atm) that we could go out for a few hours. We got messaging and i started talking about tom cruise film on the tv at the time, he was quite young and realized he looked different because of his teeth. Anyways, he shut the convo off abruptly and said he was going to go do go out or something. I wrote back and mentioned that was quite a cut-off. And then he records his message back to me (he always records his voice, not writing much) he started verbally abusing me saying the relationship had officially ended and that he was sick of me paying out people (lol meaning tom cruise) and so on and was swearing and said that i was rude because i didnt mention going out for the day with him and instead mentioned tom cruise.
I was in shock a bit because the convo went from a casual morning laugh and talk about 80s films to then him going straight to 100 in anger at me. Id never seen that much anger at me before ever. It was obv drug related. It was absurd. And it was unnatural. I wrote back and told him not to talk to me for a month lol. Because i was so shocked. I then wrote to him, telling him how it takes almost 2 mins to receive his voice recordings and i was just talking about films before i got a chance to hear his messages seeing if he was going to mention what we were going to do that day. He said he apologizes in just 2 words i apologize and that was it. Haven't heard from him in 3 days. Im glad i didnt go with him that day, for him to go so angry like that over nothing, being on drugs and driving too.
In those 3 days tho, he had gone bonkers online on his facebook again and this is entirely in front of his family and friends. And when i say bonkers i mean posting copious amounts of posts with him saying random stories that dont make sense about himself and others, basically like a psychotic philospher against the world thinking everyone is against him or are in love with him and want to take things from him or whatever and posting the same photo of brad pitt and having a convo with him in posts. That sort of thing. So once again, pre psychosis to most likely i can only guess full blown psychosis. But i dont know.

Thing is he seemed to be doing fine. And i think that is where my distrust with just being a casual friend to him was even edgy. For him to being happy and seem normal and almost attentive and actively communicating, it must mean he is high on meth and then that few days later hes either crashed or is on the verge of pyschosis again.

I suspect that he might of been high for most of the week but i dont know. What had happened to me is that id talk to him on the phone and have conversations where it wasnt a conversation because he just couldnt talk at all literally which is all the time, and i cant stand silence and he cant recognise what he is like , so id just talk and talk about things like american pollitics etc lol. It would give me a social release i would need at least , even tho it was never a convo per say. Sometimes it was on rare occasion when he semd well. And you know, he could mask all his symptoms sometimes and esp most times hed fool people intbelievingng hes this charming normal person. He can trick you and seem rational and normal. And you socialise a bit more and then you go back home and go on facebook or instagram or even youtube and be shocked at his craziness that only someone really mentally ill would do. And that would freak me out each time, so i made it a thing to not go on and look him up. I mean tho he has got to win the world trophy for most amount of accounts on social media and most deluded crazy ones out there.
Anyways, thing is he was suffering in a relationship because he lacks any insight at all into what he is like , what he is like to another person. Or more specifically, all his dramas from drugs and delusions and psychosis, even his super - he got it all out and spent $20,000 in 2 months on god know what (him and his sister who is also schizophrenic and loves to spend, they went on a spending joyride) - all those things wouldn't you think would affect the partner? those are big things and yet he lacked that insight into that. He lacked the insight despite me even letting him know how emotionally and physically exhausted i was and how overweight, obese id become - he never thought to think that perhaps being in a relationship with him was the cause of that lol. That i was taking steps way back to him being a casual friend, or even occasional friend because that was all i could do after being so emotionally exausted from him? Instead hed laugh about my weight and joke about it lightheardly but it would annoy me his lack of insight. If he was going to go crazy again, turn up at my house at 3am in pre psychosis again that sort of thing keeps you on edge. When someone you know closely all of a sudden turns into someone you dont know, or starts believing in crazy things talking like a drunk, it brings on the adrenalin, the cortisol, you go up and down in emotions esp with anxiety and start getting panic attacks and anxiety attacks all the time, you start feeling heavy in your body and eating more, you start feling depressed and repressed and start staying in bed more and getting exausted mentally. You know, having sustained stress for 4 years because you choose to stay in a relationship with an insane person really makes you ill lol.
But theres human connection there even if its broken by mental illness. In any case i feel a weigh has been lifted and im on my way to being my best me again.
Hes cancled all his social media now, not contacted me in days too. There are parts of me i feel so free, other part wont stop being worried but well worn out being worried and not knowing, parts of me depressed and hearing white noise feeling so lonely and depressed anticipation of lonely. Then theres feelings of just numbness ive had for some time, of that im not really interested just emotionally worn out to then feeling lost without his social appearance in my life to then dread if he comes back like bricks on my shoulders but also wanting the company of well him back again.

 

[Miserum]

Hi grapevine. Looks like you are making progress. At the very least, you are taking steps toward progress!

 

[grapevine]

Hi grapevine. Looks like you are making progress. At the very least, you are taking steps toward progress!

I know ive vented myself off here lol. But thankyou means alot.

 

[grapevine]

Hi grapevine. Looks like you are making progress. At the very least, you are taking steps toward progress!

Today he actually rang me. After that horrible explosion of him out of the blue on the phone at me out of nothing. It was the first time he was really that angry towards me. He broke up with me , not that we were going out in my mind anyways. It wasnt nice, it was him very ill abusive on a messenger recorded message at me that day, it went from laughing talking about movies to him just changing personality and screaming at me because i dont hangout with him like he wanted anymore. I was left with that and not knowing what was going on with him, obv very unwell and very on the drugs again of course. To have weeks of him being kinda okay and then boom. His personality changes and its all drama again from him.

So he actually rang today and wanted to meet up to see me. My car isnt working so we met at the front gate of my place. I thought of it as an opportunity to see what he was actually like atm. You know, ive known him for 5 years now, very closely. It was weird to see him again like that. He gets out his car, black clothes and black sunglasses, looking weird and aggressive, paranoid. Not himself at all.

How many times have i been through this though, and how many times have i become distressed over it, and depressed and lonely and frustrated. How many times ive had to try and cope on my own and realise the codependency from him, as it was way more from him than me, that each time i would learn to be on my own again and then he would try to reenter my life again and i kept learning the hardway, once id reluctantly trust him, as just a friend i might add, it would be for not long before he would go insane again and act wierd , tho never against me ive always been there for him, even when hes been in full blown psychosis. He has trusted me. But over these years i have never been able to get up on my own feet and take care of my health because he was bricks on my shoulders and poison in my gut. I got so burnt out, bedridden and unable to really walk without being out of breath and this was when i was thin and had iron suppliments. It was full on stress and constant anxiety, it crippled me from him. Even him being well and it was like this dread and being with him being so deluded and uninsightful or unreflective of himself.
Anyways i met him at the front gate of my place and he could hardly talk, was dead serious and weird. Tells me to have a good life and my year of health what id been going on about. Tells me we are just too different, he likes his drugs, smoking and drinking and i like my health lol. I said well you need to have a balance there. He was out of his head, complete personality change, non-emotional. God knows what made him be so detached from me. Its funny what his ideas are of being in a relationship to being in a friendship. Hes gone from relationship even tho it was really just a friendship to being have a nice life sort of thing.
I told him to ring up once a week to see how he is. He agreed to that at least. But really he is a walking time bomb. He wont last very long being on hard meth drugs and driving around and off his head in pre psychosis.
I did nothing directed to him to get yelled at by him and he essentially dump me and verbally abuse me over a recorded message. I had been talking to him almost everyday for a few years now about my health decline that was very real for me. And unfortunately it made it hard for me to go and do the things he wanted me to do with him like go out on joyrides all the time, and me plan outings and things to do, me stay over his and watch films all the time. I was busy trying to get over his dramas and delsusions and anxiety stress from all that, let alone i didnt want to go to his place and his room where he smokes meth, not in front of me but that he would smoke it there when im not there and i didnt want to breathe that in. He had no real understanding what i was going through. And sure, i was terrible to stay in that relationship and let him believe he had a proper chance with me, but to let someone down thats like that, it was too scarey and the consequences meant the codependency would break and id be left alone again in my life for a while and i just couldnt hack that. Now i guess ive grown up a bit, im taking mindfulness a daily habit and just numb myself emotionally to going into the future right now without having to deal with him. I think it should get better.

Whilst he is on a path of destruction, im on my year of health- just like Rebel Wilson. Ive changed my own diet - not like hers haha, but ive cut out oil completely from my diet atm and on a high carb low-fat vegan diet high in raw foods. I used to eat high fat raw vegan but not now. Since rugs id been on vegan junkfood binges and not eating properly for years. I just had so much stress eating in me. But i hit rock bottom weighing just over 100kg the biggest id ever been. I was 55kg when i first met rugs. That was 5 years ago. Im not very tall, so my body mass index screams obesity. Just the constant cortisol overload in me for years was enough to make me a fat machine. I mean i have an anxiety disorder i mostly keep under wraps, but just all the drama took its toll. But im starting to loose the weight already even tho its only been a week, ive lost alot of water weight by eating high starchy fibre meals with lots of vegies and fruit. Thats started to work and omiting any overt fats like oil.
Thats my first habit ive been changing and its been making a difference, i feel so full and havent had terrible heartburn id had for ages. Next thing is to start drinking water reguarly and doing a quick 9 min HIT work out in the morning and a few more walks with the dog, esp up a hill and back.
I think the weight will fall off if i just take it day by day like ive been doing, relax and enjoy caring for myself.
Rugs has a sister younger than me that is just as bad as him, but quite more selfish, mindless tbh. She put on loads of weight and has many addictions - niccotiene spray, ciggarettes, meth and junkfoods. She weighs 80 something kgs but looks more like over 100. Even tho i weigh more than her atm, im not big like she is regarding puffy water weight, she looks terribly unwell. But anyway she had ben going for walks with her mum to loose the weight recently. But still eeating junkfood. Its motivating to me to loose my weight, to see her in say 3 months time and have slimmed down more and more and see her still overweight, that would be good because it would reflect back to her how different our lifestyles are, Same with rugs.
So anyways, not going to let rugs dramatic departure and destructive drug pre psychotic ill mental health affect me : )

 

[grapevine]

Okay BAD DAY.

i was driving along the main road of the town i live in to drop my dad off at his bowls and i see this man walking on the side of the road with no top on. This is a road not meant for people to walk on, where 100 km/hr speed is. I think what a weird guy for walking there with his top off and it ends up being rugs.

I drive past and go to his house to let the mother know but she is out. When i saw him, he just looked so out of his mind ore and most likely in pyschosis.

So i go home and message his mother whom responds with yes he is very unwell but i dont know how to help him..

That kinda was a bit of a response i thought sounded quite irresponsible because hes been in psychosis in and out quite alot esp last year, i thought the mother had a response to that sort of emergency. i guess its quite tricky when hes can be violent and distrust her.
Im not sure how to respond to the mother. I feel so in adrenalin and knowing he is very unwell and could harm himself or others. He needs to be given a sedative and taken to hospital are my thoughts but im not sure how that goes about.
He has many times been in psychosis and driving. I know the mother cannot control him but theres got to be some sort of interviene there where shes not going to be mistrusted by him idk.

Im finding it hard to come down from that this morning it was very distressing. Ive been anti social for many many years and then hes in my life as difficult as its been, he has still been a very very close friend and former partner. To see him like that out of the blue. Its not nice.

I went to the place i usually volunteer at after seeing him because i needed to go in there anyway and telll them about why i hadnt been in for months leading to xmas and this year, as id been overwhelmed with babysitting, xmas and rugs stuff really. Now tho my car has broken down which kind of has been a blessing in disguise as ive been able to have a good rest for once. But i ran into this lady at the volounteer place who always hugs me and asks how is rugs and me being in so much distress and adrenalin needed to vent. This lady has a grandson a bit the same as rugs with schizophrenia and so on. I know i shouldnt of told her but i did and then the boss just happened to come out and i told her too. It frlt very uncomfortable. The boss recommending that i completely cut of all ties with rugs from now on. Everyone i know who knows about him and his illness and the distress it has caused me, all say the same thing - to give him up as a friend and its quite depressing to hear that all the time.

I do have compassion for someone with schizophrenia and I do realize why they would gravitate to meth because its all about dopamine as well as something for them to do, well in rugs case anyways. He has kind of not had any support that he so dearly needs. His mother just isnt on the ball about it and rugs can be in denial of his illness. He gets paranoid and has an ego on and off.

The people around me that i know about rugs illness they dont have compassion for him or for me esp in what its like to have to break ties with someone - the only social contact or very close friend Ive had and the depression and greif that comes with that for me. As well as the lack of being social due to social phobia. I feel so lonely when he isnt in my life because i dont have anyone to talk to about the things that happen in my life , the little things, the funny things - that sort of thing and the things that we enjoyed together like certain films and things like that. When he was well he was okay, even though he lacked judgment and insight and was dysfunctional - which was very frustrating - but at least i had a friend.

 

[grapevine]

How quickly things change but still bad. Well, highly stressed.

So rugs had been hostile many days before, and didnt want to know me anymore. Which was to me, okay well i can restart this grieving process then. Very hard, but i was doing it and i had practice in all the times he had gone on drug-induced psychosis, and even from years of eyebrowing his delusions and mentalities that disturbed me, i was emotionally detached anyways, I had to be. So as hard as being alone felt, i still had my healing to do anyways and freedom. Just thinking about the energy needed to make another clse friend when i still wasn't over all rugs stuff was really getting to me, not being able to get that understanding from him, that closure. Knowing he would likely come back but never hearing from him and just generally being on edge. I thought this time it was, he was really out of my life.

During the lockdowns in the first half of last year, i was really struggling to have any contact with anyone other than my mum and dad. After rugs had gone then into psychosis again from drugs. The thing is he could go from seeming normal to then you go online and see his absolute craziness on there and know hes about to get really sick again, rage, delusions, craziness and then psychosis. He breaks all his stuff, phones, guitars, glassware, computers you name it. Altho im not there thank goodness in those times, I am aware of what he has been like and this past week was no different.

So after seeing him the other day walking on the side of the road without a shirt on looking crazy, that really shocked me. I wrote to his mum, and she responded with she knew he was very sick but didnt know what to do. I was a bit taken back by that. Shes his mother, carer you would think she would have some kind of emergency plans in place, but considering how many times this has happened and she hasnt had the power to stop him driving in psychosis and things like that, its just really at this point gotten too out of hand.

Now altho that day when i saw rugs walking along the road without a shirt on and looking scary, i didn't pick him up, I was too scared because you never know what kind of state he is going to be in. You don't know if he is dangerous.

In the afternoon that day i was finally trying to relax after i had contacted his mum. Even tho she was no help to the situation, i just had to try and let rugs drama go, for my own relaxation. And just as i did that, i was looking outside on our front lawn and saw our pet chickens (lol) heads turn and thought that was funny, thinking im going silly thinking rugs is going to turn up. And HE DID.

Mum and i sitting in the lounge and rugs just opens the door (we dont lock our door because we live on acres out of sight) looking scary, no emotion, eyes rolling in thier sockets, he looked sunburnt and grey in the skin - he looked scary - at first we didnt know if he were hostile and dangerous. It was like he was just there but in a trance like state, obv very unwell. I shot up and directed him to my room (away fro mum, just in case he was dangerous), i offered him a drink and put isotonic powder in his orange juice.

He looked completely dehydrated and we wondered how he was even able to drive like that. He started to talk, whispering over and over he was sorry and that he had taken 10 PARACETAMOLS in one hit, trying to commit suicide.
So i rush to get my activated charcoal and put that in another drink of orange juice for him. Which he was scared to drink but had a bit. He was still whispering and being religious and telling me he loves me and hes sorry and never wants to leave me. He whispers no more drugs and mentions what hes going to do the next day. I just go along with it. He asks me what im doing tomorrorow and tells me we can talk on the phone. It wouldnt matter what he was saying, he was out of it. It took awhile before he told me that he had thrown up alot at home before driving over to mine. He wasnt sure if he would still be sick from overdosing on the pills. Saying if he wakes up at all, he will contact me in the morning.

So after him being at mine in that state, and i was short on time because i had to pick up my dad from his lawn bowls, rugs decided he would go home and it took alot of him saying he was fine to going in his car and driving home. He should not of been driving. Next thing i go to pick up dad because i lost track of time and theres rugs with my dad in the car as he picked him up on the side of the road. we pulled over and dad got in my car (well tech its his because mine has broken down). Im surprised my dad got in that car with him driving.

So fast forward the next day and I message him to ask how he was because that night i had messaged him and his mum as i was concerned about him and those pills as i read that an overdose of that many can slowly kill you by being metabolized through the liver and causing liver damage that can be fatal. So, ob his liver isnt good from all the drugs in the first place, let alone an overdose of paracetamol. Even if he threw most of it up.

 

[grapevine]

So that next morning, i write how are you etc. He sends a message back that he is just going for a drive with his sister. Thats all he writes. Then later in the day, i write again, how are feeling today. He sends a message to me and just says, im just resting. And that is it.
I dont hear from him the rest of that day, or that night. Which is fine, hes unwell. But i was still so anxious and worked up in adrenalin. I found it very hard to wind down. Esp how he was just dismissive of me after all of that. It just felt so damn rude. I just dont want to care anymore because its not like he cares about me. And its esp true :

At some point you need to start living your own life. Everyone has their own tragedies. Is it your responsibility forever to pile someone else's tragedies onto your own?

But when you cant seem to escape that person, when they turn up to your house in a severely mentally and physically ill state and try to commit suicide because they cant stand you not in their life, i mean what am i supposed to do.

So him just the next day basically ignoring and snubbing me for caring, i have no idea if he was just tired and ill still or if theres some sort of agenda against me again out of nowhere. And it has been so unfair. Thats what i get for caring, even though i was trying to just sit with things and let time work it out. I dont want to get involved but when when a trauma comes to your door but then doesnt get resolved, theres no answers, no response to just how do you feel, when rugs was im sure capable of just letting me know politely, instead just cuts me off and continues to cut me off the next day too. My anxiety gets into wondering what state of mind is he in now, is he going to turn up here again etc, that sort of thing, it is hard to switch off. And because i get no answer, no polite consideration on me, it makes me frustrated.

Yesterday i rang my therapist to book an early appointment. I told her about rugs. She asked if I would like her to contact social workers at the local hospital and see what she can do, considering it has been so many times with rugs now in the last 18 months. She said if i could get the mothers mobile number would be good. So i messaged his mum and in amongst a message about this drug therapy place down the road from them, i also asked for her mobile number in case of emergencies again. The mother responded with thankyou and that was it, so clearly she didn't read my message properly or the sister or rugs got it before she did i have no idea. So i just gave my therapist their home number instead. I felt guilty in doing so, but you just cant have rugs on these drug binges in and out of psychosis or rage episodes a danger not only to himself but to the mother and the public esp when driving like that. Something has to be done.

Anyways i wrote to him today to again ask him if he was okay and feeling better and i made it clear that i didnt want to worry about it and just him letting me know would allow me to try to relax and not be in an anxious state worrying hes going to turn up here sick again and things like that. I made it clear that i couldnt shut off anxiety attack and panic attack modes until he let me know.
So he sends a message i am okay. And that is it.

He doesnt realise that hes sent me on this trip of agony. It went from 7 days ago casually messaging and me talking about tom cruise, to him yelling at me on messenger with a recorded voice telling me i pay people out like tom cruise and that hes had enough of me. like on a scale from normal to all of a sudden 100 in anger. To then meeting him at my gate days later, to him quite hostile and paranoid and personality changed to like a non-emotional aggressive person.
Im like okay, im just going to learn to be on my own even more and cope with that and concentrate on getting myself well, which i am doing.

To then seeing him on the side of a busy main road where its not for people to walk, walking without a shirt on looking completely out of it. To then that afternoon him turning up at mine just entering the front door looking half dead literally and telling me he overdosed on 10 panadols but threw up and just wanted to say sorry and so on. To then driving home and a waiting game if he was well the next day. then the next few days, hardly hear from him again, even tho he seems capable of communicating and so on. I have no idea whats going on again because he wont respond to me, he is cut off and rude to me and even his mum.

So i have to learn to reel myself back away again and reframe my thoughts and anxiety, body tension, stress. It takes days to wind down from it all. I just cant do all that anymore. Even when he is well there is still no consideration for me. Everything is timing of him and his needs and thoguhts and feelings and when it comes to mine its just dismissed.

Which is fine but i just dont want to get emotionally reeled in again and again, i want to get on with my own life and its hard when hes sticks a crisis on you then leaves you with no information later.

He wouldnt even know what GAD is.

Anyways, i am trying my best to get on with my life and just sit with emotions and not carry them - perhaps if not for on here tho that is lol. A person can only take so much drama you know.

 

[grapevine]

I felt okay the last few days in myself and my own physical state despite what was going on around me with rugs. As much as i try to get away from it he turns up again. What do you do when a person tries to commit suicide and wants you in their life but ruins your own.

Id been in control with my eating and health and felt so much better than i had done in years. Eating a high carb low fat diet has really helped gain energy i thought was lost for good and i have felt weightloss internally as well as water loss in only two weeks. But most importantly it has made me be more mentally and physically active and stopped a bit of depression.

But then rugs rang up yesterday afternoon and wanted to come over to say hello and play with my puppy dog. So i reluctantly said yes, mainly hoping to get answers like why was he on the side of the road with his shirt off days before and what triggered him to take 10 panadol in the first place. Of course when he came over he had no answers and couldnt even talk, just ignored me and played with the dog like he always does. He just cant talk at all really except for a bit of small talk and dodge everything. Which then leaves my GAD with frustration and neurosis long after he has gone home.

When he was over i asked if he thought he could see any weightloss in me because i could and i could feel it too but he just laughed at me unintentionally. That alone just felt depressing. That was my little spark of hope to health i guess for myself that i shouldnt of shared with him. I shouldnt of let him over because as soon as i did, all his issues came condensed back onto my shoulders and it was so frustrating, to go through all of that the last few days once again with him in a drug-fueled mania psychosis paranoia thing and errupt in verbal abuse on the phone out of nowhere and break all his stuff and things like that. To him then overdosing on pain medication trying to kill himself and then vomitting and turning up at mine that day. All of that and then days later he tries to just be like nothing ever happened and wont talk to me about it, just really be small talk and want more from me than i can give. Completely not understanding GAD and the toll on me.

When he left i found some cookies and binged and it was something i hadnt done in ages. I felt horrible and so depressed just from him coming around like i could not relax and felt very very low. I felt like my boundaries had been crossed. I mean there i was going through the motions again of mourning him and learning to relax without having a social person in my life. I was doing okay and learning to sit with that and go through the stages and then hes back in my life like nothing ever happened and doesnt want to talk about what happened or reflect in any way and just wants to get on with his life. He says his sister is going to help him off the drugs lol. Despite me telling him about things available to him to help he just goes for his sister instead, even tho she actually has a metha addiction too lol. He even said the same things weeks ago that he had a talk to his sister and they arent going to do meth anymore. then they go do it lol. They lack any restraint from impulses both of them severely and they arent even aware they do. Rugs cant plan either. Let alone read and concentrate much anymore.

I want to get back on with my life like i was doing before. Working on healing myself and my diet and grounding myself so my nervous system hasa break and i just cant do that with rugs around. As soon as he is around in any form its like a huge stress and sickness toxic feeling unless he seems really well than its not as bad.

He just came over to give me a vegan book after i told him in practical terms basically similar to the above, that he just cant keep doing this drug and needs outside help not his sister. I know he didnt read it. I mean whats with him, his mum and his sister just being rude and ungenuine and not reading what a person has written to you. I cant stand that.
At least rugs understands to some degree that i need my space from him, i want to get rid of him really at this stage in my life but its not practical considering he nearly killed himself. So its just a time thing again. I dont want to have to deal with all this again and again.

Today i have to rest my body out of the fight or flight again when i didnt want to. I put on all this weight from the stress of him over the few years. He wouldnt even realise that. I was doing fine for weeks until all of this drama and my stress levels shot up again. So today i have to try and get them down again. to feel safe and unstressed, to be able to relax and relax my body and mind. I just feel so stepped on and tired, carving an inner boundary in me where i feel safe away from unplesant things in my life right now.