Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

grapevine

Well-known member
Rugs So ALOT has changed in the past 2-3 weeks. This pandemic is very scary for everybody. I am determined to be on here more frequently like years ago and actually participate more. My life had gotten so drained for the past 3 years i just felt like i needed to tune out rather than tune in. It just got too much.

So now things are freaky. Its not my own stuff now, not just stuff with rugs and all the in-betweens. Its a pandemic of all things. A big scary pandemic as if the fires at the end of last year and the start of this year wasn't enough.

I live with my parents - my dad is turning 70 and my mum is 72. They stay home. We are lucky to live on 5 acres of land that is a good distance from respected neighbours. Its frightening going out esp to the shops. I try to go in the evening when nobody is there and have my gloves and keep a good distance. In and out. But later im thinking of click and collect instead.

Where i live is a seaside tourist town with a very high aged population. Its a retirement town. So its very important we stay home to stop any spread. Everything like everyone is experiencing in this pandemic - its just like living in the pandemic movie. Although that one had almost instant death once u got it.

My anxiety over all this has meant normal day to day anxiety has meant bouts of crying out of nowhere and spirals of out of control thoughts. Anxiety attacks here and there, that sort of thing. And thats okay. Im so sorry for the people in the trenches of all this, and the people whove lost their lives and their friends and family dealing with it all. It's heartbreaking. And its scary.
It creates a background anxiety on high alert along with every other issues u normally have.

ive been dealing my anxiety with panic buying - i dont mean in the sense of heaps of toliet paper and stuff but for the past month ive been double and tripple shopping, like everyone else - thinking we may not be able to even do that later or it may be too risky like it is almost now here in Australia and thinking the economy go bust and hard to get food - its been making me in panic mode at home as needing to be on top of that -be able to at least control that side of things. I bough a whole heap of vege seeds online - the last that were remaining and a cut off point by tomorrow cause the shop had been inundated with orders. Im buying a stackable vege tower kit too. I want to be able to have fresh salads and tomatoes and things like that - the fresh stuff and sprouts etc. At least growing these things will save money in the long run and not mean constant trips or deliveries of prob $$ fresh foods. Also bought vege seeds for my parents to grow out in the garden. Heirloom varieties to get the phyto nutrients.

Months ago my problems were rug's stuff, my obesity, turning 40 in a few years and the ultra depressing childless realisation and oldness and financially desperately wanting a new car. All those things left me feeling frustrated and at times hopeless.

Now its about more stuff and those things are set aside.

3 weeks ago Rug's sister was put into a hospital for psychosis. She thought that police were out to get her and that she committed a murder. There were signs of her irrational behaviour from months back. Shes in her early 30s. (rugs is 36 and im 38). Rugs and his sister are very similar in thier mental illnesses and frustrating inabilities to stabolise moods and sustain or make plans and those sort of things. They both can bounce off each other and it can make u feel kinda like ur around the Tiger King (if uve seen that on Netflix lately lol). So she had issues with spending most of the pension by the first week. $900 in a week and the same with rugs. And i never saw rugs shopping except for $1 lollies and milk and things like that. It always made my suspiscions. It would make me angry. Whether i his close friend or what ever i am. The point is i thought that once he got his pension, hed actually have money and be able to save and things like a normal person could do in his financial situaition of living at home. But instead - i mean i would shop more than him and yet always have a good savings in my bank, a healthy dose from when i was working. I never dipped into those savings.

I couldnt understand how those 2 could be absolutely with no money in the situations they were in by the end of thier first week of a fortnightly pension. I knew rugs did drugs on meth and it drove me severely angry and frustrated and absolutely no respect for him. Id get angry and bombard stuff to him but realised to just sit back and let go. Watch with dissapointment and see him as addicted and dumb.
Hed spend $200 on meth and would go to that meth sort of people every fortnight. Hed have no thought that its something he will stop. I mean a person buying cigarettes as well as meth and some rent and i thought where is all the rest of his money go? Everything he seems to touch goes down the drain. I just lack any respect most of the time.

So it turned out after his sister got sick recently in psychosis she told the mother that her and rugs do ice together every week and he was the once who introduced it to her. I always wondered why she was never as angry as me about him being on that stuff and not saying anything to him to get him stop. I thought she just didnt care, cause they r a bit like that. It turned out she was wanted it every week and because they get paid different weeks they would borrow from each other in order to have it every week , so essentially he was paying her back from the week before and she was doing the same - so they made themselves poor (both in healt hand in the pocket). It just makes me so mad where rugs morals lie in it all as well as the initial stupidity.
The thing is he thinks and says he did nothing wrong and his mum has been informed all about it. He has had talks with his mum about what he does with the drug and he seems to think its a recreational smart drug for him and that he doesnt do anything wrong. lol are u kidding me? He caused his sister who had schizoid personality and been put in a mental facility in her own past (just like him) to go into psychosis by asking her to try it ice and then encouraging her to smoke it with her till she herself became addicted and fried her brain more too. He thinks hes not responsible for that. the more i watch and listen to him over the years, the more i know in myself its all not worth it - i def know that but ill keep a social tie like magnet if it means im not alone and have a close friend.


But u feel like u shouldnt be near them and give him the second of day and yet u do because hes the only social contat u really have atm.
and uve intricatly known the person for 4 years everyday. U r forced to overlook not only the schizophrenia and all the things that come with that but also all the stupidity and lack of responsibility and morals lack of foresight in anything and everything he does. u have to dumb yourself down in ur needs and everything else. I have to note that he cannot help it, even for him on drugs, hes inable to help it as everything seems to be impulsive with him, his actions and needs and whatever they maybe. He goes thru rabbit holes in his mind and cant switch out of them like a normal person, having to wait for it to pass till the next day or few hours or so for him to have any sense. Its different to most people. I have to have compassion even if he finds it hard to notice his own actions on others. When all those sort of things are delayed.

So the issue that made me in such a big panic depressive despair the other day was that his mum and sister are planning to move away down the state 400 km away. I know this would sound like a good thing for me. But bare in mind, being completely alone in my adult life till i let him in, its very traumatic for me if he were to go. It would mean me being alone again. It would be very painful.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
Rugs So ALOT has changed in the past 2-3 weeks. This pandemic is very scary for everybody. I am determined to be on here more frequently like years ago and actually participate more. My life had gotten so drained for the past 3 years i just felt like i needed to tune out rather than tune in. It just got too much.

So now things are freaky. Its not my own stuff now, not just stuff with rugs and all the in-betweens. Its a pandemic of all things. A big scary pandemic as if the fires at the end of last year and the start of this year wasn't enough.

I live with my parents - my dad is turning 70 and my mum is 72. They stay home. We are lucky to live on 5 acres of land that is a good distance from respected neighbours. Its frightening going out esp to the shops. I try to go in the evening when nobody is there and have my gloves and keep a good distance. In and out. But later im thinking of click and collect instead.

Where i live is a seaside tourist town with a very high aged population. Its a retirement town. So its very important we stay home to stop any spread. Everything like everyone is experiencing in this pandemic - its just like living in the pandemic movie. Although that one had almost instant death once u got it.

My anxiety over all this has meant normal day to day anxiety has meant bouts of crying out of nowhere and spirals of out of control thoughts. Anxiety attacks here and there, that sort of thing. And thats okay. Im so sorry for the people in the trenches of all this, and the people whove lost their lives and their friends and family dealing with it all. It's heartbreaking. And its scary.
It creates a background anxiety on high alert along with every other issues u normally have.

ive been dealing my anxiety with panic buying - i dont mean in the sense of heaps of toliet paper and stuff but for the past month ive been double and tripple shopping, like everyone else - thinking we may not be able to even do that later or it may be too risky like it is almost now here in Australia and thinking the economy go bust and hard to get food - its been making me in panic mode at home as needing to be on top of that -be able to at least control that side of things. I bough a whole heap of vege seeds online - the last that were remaining and a cut off point by tomorrow cause the shop had been inundated with orders. Im buying a stackable vege tower kit too. I want to be able to have fresh salads and tomatoes and things like that - the fresh stuff and sprouts etc. At least growing these things will save money in the long run and not mean constant trips or deliveries of prob $$ fresh foods. Also bought vege seeds for my parents to grow out in the garden. Heirloom varieties to get the phyto nutrients.

Months ago my problems were rug's stuff, my obesity, turning 40 in a few years and the ultra depressing childless realisation and oldness and financially desperately wanting a new car. All those things left me feeling frustrated and at times hopeless.

Now its about more stuff and those things are set aside.

3 weeks ago Rug's sister was put into a hospital for psychosis. She thought that police were out to get her and that she committed a murder. There were signs of her irrational behaviour from months back. Shes in her early 30s. (rugs is 36 and im 38). Rugs and his sister are very similar in thier mental illnesses and frustrating inabilities to stabolise moods and sustain or make plans and those sort of things. They both can bounce off each other and it can make u feel kinda like ur around the Tiger King (if uve seen that on Netflix lately lol). So she had issues with spending most of the pension by the first week. $900 in a week and the same with rugs. And i never saw rugs shopping except for $1 lollies and milk and things like that. It always made my suspiscions. It would make me angry. Whether i his close friend or what ever i am. The point is i thought that once he got his pension, hed actually have money and be able to save and things like a normal person could do in his financial situaition of living at home. But instead - i mean i would shop more than him and yet always have a good savings in my bank, a healthy dose from when i was working. I never dipped into those savings.

I couldnt understand how those 2 could be absolutely with no money in the situations they were in by the end of thier first week of a fortnightly pension. I knew rugs did drugs on meth and it drove me severely angry and frustrated and absolutely no respect for him. Id get angry and bombard stuff to him but realised to just sit back and let go. Watch with dissapointment and see him as addicted and dumb.
Hed spend $200 on meth and would go to that meth sort of people every fortnight. Hed have no thought that its something he will stop. I mean a person buying cigarettes as well as meth and some rent and i thought where is all the rest of his money go? Everything he seems to touch goes down the drain. I just lack any respect most of the time.

So it turned out after his sister got sick recently in psychosis she told the mother that her and rugs do ice together every week and he was the once who introduced it to her. I always wondered why she was never as angry as me about him being on that stuff and not saying anything to him to get him stop. I thought she just didnt care, cause they r a bit like that. It turned out she was wanted it every week and because they get paid different weeks they would borrow from each other in order to have it every week , so essentially he was paying her back from the week before and she was doing the same - so they made themselves poor (both in healt hand in the pocket). It just makes me so mad where rugs morals lie in it all as well as the initial stupidity.
The thing is he thinks and says he did nothing wrong and his mum has been informed all about it. He has had talks with his mum about what he does with the drug and he seems to think its a recreational smart drug for him and that he doesnt do anything wrong. lol are u kidding me? He caused his sister who had schizoid personality and been put in a mental facility in her own past (just like him) to go into psychosis by asking her to try it ice and then encouraging her to smoke it with her till she herself became addicted and fried her brain more too. He thinks hes not responsible for that. the more i watch and listen to him over the years, the more i know in myself its all not worth it - i def know that but ill keep a social tie like magnet if it means im not alone and have a close friend.


But u feel like u shouldnt be near them and give him the second of day and yet u do because hes the only social contat u really have atm.
and uve intricatly known the person for 4 years everyday. U r forced to overlook not only the schizophrenia and all the things that come with that but also all the stupidity and lack of responsibility and morals lack of foresight in anything and everything he does. u have to dumb yourself down in ur needs and everything else. I have to note that he cannot help it, even for him on drugs, hes inable to help it as everything seems to be impulsive with him, his actions and needs and whatever they maybe. He goes thru rabbit holes in his mind and cant switch out of them like a normal person, having to wait for it to pass till the next day or few hours or so for him to have any sense. Its different to most people. I have to have compassion even if he finds it hard to notice his own actions on others. When all those sort of things are delayed.

So the issue that made me in such a big panic depressive despair the other day was that his mum and sister are planning to move away down the state 400 km away. I know this would sound like a good thing for me. But bare in mind, being completely alone in my adult life till i let him in, its very traumatic for me if he were to go. It would mean me being alone again. It would be very painful.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
So his sister and mum going for a new start. He was saying at first yeah im not going. So i was like in full force anxiety mode. I thought we would talk about his options and the gravity of the situation and how he was going to be able to cope and all the things hed need to do and support and all of that, because they said within 3 months. Him having issues with foresight and all of that didnt seem it was a big deal. Till i kept asking questions because i thought he was going to have a talk with his mum over it all and he never got back to me. I hated that because he said im just talking to mum about things. And then i dont hear from him and then when i do its nothing to do with moving at all. So i have to ask and im angered in frustration and bit of lack of respect towards me that he is unable to recognise his social cues but anyways - i pressed him and wanted answeres within my anxiety - for which of course he had none other than he thinks it would be good to be independent and live on his own and he wouldnt leave here. And then abruptly switches his tune after stress of me asking how and all that. Switching to that he doesnt have to stay here and then to a voice mail saying that because of me not wanting to move out of home (and we never mentioned me ever doing that) that he would just have to go with them because i dont fight for him and hed miss his family and that it was good knowing me but hes going to go find other people now. It went on like that and pushed every fearsome button like a deliberate grief on me - like a severe dumping of a friend or more and it was so horrible. I had a severe wave of anxiety attack and like those really really bad depression states. Crying unable to breathe like the worst of the worst had happened. The doom and gloom of spending all time on my own again and all the wasted time on him. It was s horrible. So i told him that, how i felt and he quickly apologised with telling me it was the stress. But still if i hadnt the pandemic to worry about too.

Thats what he is like. And now i cant even question him on it. He just goes with he can do it and thats it. I say, ull need support from ur mum and sister to help get a place - to set u up and financially maybe ur mother could help a bit - which he stauntly replies no to do. He isnt even able to think or have insight much into the things hed be without a so on and he has a very bad track record with money like ive said. It just wouldnt be viable for him - in money or emotionally for support and theres no way i am going to give him my own money cause i did that when we were first dating and then more. He cant function like a normal person. He cant live on his own. I say to him well u could maybe get a unit and hes like no i want a 3 bedroom house with a view lol. Like he thinks hed be able to afford those things. If u took rent and bills and food and then his habit and his cigarettes- and he wouldnt even have his internet likely - things like that- hes unable to even take the step to think about those things - its just all ill be able to do it- ill have a place and u can come help decorate and do a vege garden in the yard.. see the only possibility of him actually being able to stay here is if his mum does help out. And yet i cant say a thing. And his mum and sister say nothing about helping him or what he wants to do. So i cant really ask rugs. I cant do anything like always and just sit back and brace myself for a blow i guess.

Rugs cant do stress. He acts like its someone hurting him directly and scrumples his face. It becomes a big thing - hes not one to be a poker face. And when he will become close to the time his mum and sister want to move- and he will leave it late unless they do it for him. I mean tho they know he cant be trusted with any responsibilities but he thinks he can. He will go into this mentality where he doesnt care and when he does that - it will be a scenario like he did before and make me feel like im going to a funeral. Compound all the fears i have and make things emotionally distressing and upsetting for me before then coming to his senses and saying then hell say something like he wouldnt be able to stay and hed get lonely from his mum and sister and that he wouldnt be able to afford it. Like why cant he just work it all out know u know.





Anyways if he does go and likely he will considering his lack of in many things. My therapist would prob be happy for me. But id be devasted completely and likely go thru a very dark time.


I mean if he goes - the only contact ive had for years and years now- intense contact and then during this pandemic- its unlikely id be able to meet anyone new except directly online and i dont have the self esteem for that. Ive tried talking to him when we went for our small walk today (keeping distance) and trying to help me feel comforted that everything was going to be okay either way. Proposing to him if he does end up going it was going to be okay and i could visit and wed talk on the pone and that sort of thing. But he is adament and quick to cut me off that he is staying. Thing is if he stays ill be the one watching and be part of his disaster of things unless he gets support and the other if he goes ill fear my social phobia full force.
I got upset today because telling mu mum about him moving maybe breifly and she says right out that if he does and comes here for a visit he cant stay here at all. And this wasnt to do with the pandemic at all it was in meaning of beyond that of assuming normal life. That she wouldnt want him staying because he is dirty and would dirty the bedding in the spare room and might stay for longer. I felt quite hurt by that and cried because here is my only friend that somehow makes me feel independent from mum and dad and thier demands and yet that goes out the window - it was disrepectful emotionaly to me - like she cant even see im devasted by it hiding that inside and yet hes not welcome here. She doesnt know of his drug habit but she knows he used to be a bong head.


But having said that, he always smells a bit and distinctly. And he always wears the same black jeans. And ive worked out now that hes been freeballing (no undies) in those jeans since about September last year and maybe only if ever washed them once. Id hate it when he would come over and want to sit on my bed near my pillows - it ended up stinking like him - a mixture of cigarettes and dirt and things. Like how can he go around in his mind thinking delusional grandeurs at times about people noticing how appareently well groomed he is when he doesnt ever change his pants. Appareently he threw out all his other
jeans he would wear up until Sept last year when he decided hed liked skinny black jeans - up until then hed wear the other jeans everyday.

And i got quite a few for him. And then he just thinks hell go and wont need them even tho all he wears is jeans, and goes and gives them away. And now he needs new jeans. Thats the sort of frustrating things he does. Even if u interviene and remind him or let him know stuff. just crazy. And u have to let it go. u know if ur freeballing and if ur smoking all the time - u need to at least wash ur jeans at some point. Most people would have many pair and wash them.


well something went wrong on cut and paste on here but i had a good session of getting things out my systerm Rugs usually messages me at night. He was supposed to contact me for a friendly chat after tea but i never heard back from him since after the walk this afternoon. i think he just goes to sleep like from 6 to 10 in the morning. Its very frustrating to try and interact with him - his illness and his drug habit make it almost impossible. He cant even do basic things - its more of just going about life blind and not knowing what u can do.
 
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grapevine

Well-known member
Okay so quite a few things have happened. And they havent been nice. I at least was able to talk to my therapist the other day on the phone. But then after that all this drama came my way and ive found it very hard to cope.

This should be a time where being close to your friend/s online at any time for comfort and nice words. For me, my one main best friend has gone into psychosis. And made it very difficult for me to get any needs of that relationship at all.

Theres a reason why i am not as compassionate for that person and u know it rugs for whom i also talk about because he creates drama in everything and i end up within it. Because he has been a longterm meth addict and he has schizophrenia. Huge big red flags and big flags to even be around him for me for 4 years and wrecked my mental health and even physical health dealing with him but nothing is ever black and white. And no i would never ever do drugs or things like that, its against my morals and im pretty much almost chemical sensitive. So i was always battling alot agaisnt my own values with him.

So anyways, go back a month ago - (the toilet paper rush in Australia time), and his sister (whos a few years younger than him) goes into psychosis. Bit of background, they live together with their mother. So she was all over the place thinking shes killed someone and going crazy that the police were after her. The mother had to go drive to the hospital in town where she was placed, over an hour drive after work the mother went everyday for 3 weeks.

The thing is, rugs had introduced her to meth a few years ago and both of them had been taking the stuff every week as they got the disability pension (both have schizophrenia and both in the past have been detained for psychosis). Because the sister got her income on a different week to rugs, they were borrowing from each other apparently and never had any money. I always thought it was strange with both of them to spend 900 a week gone, like have no savings at all. I mean I think they were spending 400 every week on each of their pays and rugs smokes and his sister addicted to Nicorette mouth sprays. Plus they pay a bit of rent.

So they both complete train wrecks. But in the midst of all that, rugs had his moments and what my therapist would say is he is my familiar. Ive known him intensely for 4-5 years now. I mean talking on the phone many times a day, messaging every day and night and he would visit twice a day. At first it was hard for me to deal with all that as i couldn't have my own anything. He wouldn't understand. Then later he became more understanding and even healthy. But always up and down in waves of those things. You would always have this gut feeling that it was a toxic relationship and i was regressing just to be in it and so on. But i wasn't well myself and he was just always there.

If uve had intense social phobia, and agoraphobia in your past ull know just how lonely and intense waves of depression and lack of social identity u can have. I had that for 15 years.
So to have at least someone that I felt at least no threat of judgement to me that could enter my world all the time and share experiences and so, - i couldn't let go of that.

So it kinda became a co-dependency but one i knew i were in. I was conscious of it and had to think of positives because when he couldnt forefill my needs which were constant i was still always in a rock and a hard place.

So anyway, fast forward to now.

The Corona Virus social distancing has taken effect here like the rest of the world. We are allowed to go out for exercise or essentials and asked to keep that 1.5-metre distance.

So with rugs, him always having a thing to come over here every afternoon like his escape thing. It wasn't really for me, it was something he felt he needed to do all the time and take photos of our view as i live on acres. Like a tonic for him to see me and get out I guess. Now tho he cannot.

So in not having that, he needed something else. See i live with my parents and they are in their 70s. So i have to be very careful and careful myself too.

The big news happening with rugs is after his sister went into psychosis and his mother found out about their meth addiction she decided they need a new start and to move away to a town like 400 km or more away.

At the time of that news, rugs didnt seem very distracted by it. He didnt think of the gravity of it at all. But me, i was mourning and my heart dropped. I was at home crying my eyes out feeling like i was going back to how things used to be all alone again. It really felt like a hit to me, esp as the mother and sister werent considering rugs or me in it.

But then rugs was like, he was determined he was going to make it here. He was talking about how excited he was to be independent again and how it would be good for him. And me, knowing that he wouldnt be able to even do any of it, was concerned and asked him questions like was his mother going to support him and that sort of thing, set him up and all that kind of stuff. I mean this is a guy that every week of his pay the only bill he has is $200 rent for 2 weeks for his mother, out of $900 a fortnight. And every week he ends up with 0 money. Every first week. How could a person like that, who spends on drugs and cigarettes and money he owes from drugs , how could that person actually be responsible and fend for themself?

But to him, at the time weeks ago when i posed questions to him like if his mum were to set him up in a flat or something and his response was direct and angered 'no' and that he was going to have a house with a view and 3 bedrooms. I was like okaay then. Clearly unable to grasp reality but id known for 4 years it had taken me to get over the agony of knowing that he is unable to plan and foresee things. He can only do emotional impulsive decisions. He cannot plan and things like that.

He told me that i was making him nervous all the questions id have to him. Because i thought if he were desperate to stay here, maybe his mother would help him and set him up and things like that, so i was asking questions like that. He asked me not to talk about it anymore.

So i was left with not knowing what was going on. See the mother said they wanted to move within the next 3 months.
the pandemic doesn't seem to worry them.

Its not very nice on my end. the 4 year relationship ive had with rugs and the mother and sister arent even being supportive in that. Its just what they want and rugs has to deal with it.

Id been waiting for weeks and weeks for rugs to realize he couldn't do it. I know him well enough that he swings dramatically to he can do something and becomes unrealistic to a low he cant do it and depressed.

There is no middle ground with him.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
So today he has realized that he can't stay here. Hes come to the conclusion his mental health and all of that cant be maintained on his own. (no kidding!)

But the main thing that happened the last few days or more is that him himself have gone into psychosis. Something that hasnt really happened to this degree for 10 years ago.

So what he did is in Australia we got a one-off stimulus money for people on welfare. And he wont tell me how much he spent but he then goes and spends more than ever from what i gather all on meth. As he was going all anxious from the thought of moving and the virus. He even read something about meth being a cure for corona virus lol.

So in his words - he smoked alot on meth in 3 weeks.

So i cant even remember the last few days of him when ive been in contact as ive been busy having to help my father cementing. But everytime i was in contact with him, he was terribly unwell and would say things or act bad towards me and it would hurt and after id end up crying and in emotional pain with anxiety attacks. And the new thing is ive started experiencing scary panic attacks too. I thought i was having a heart attack on and off during the past weeks. They were so scary. But im normal now.

Last night he was scared and acting all weird more than usual and i was messaging him. Comforting him. U know i do that, and he then just leaves and shuts u off and thats that. U dont hear back.

And he has all this stuff to do with online where he has always had delusions of grandeur and paranoia. He talks about how something happened to him now tho. That he was possessed by the devil and that he had an awakening and that he can either be love of death or something and then the other night was messaging me about not going on his youtube page because one account led to death and the other to love and it was dangerous the dead one because it could kill people who watched it.

Now i have genralized anxiety disorder. Its been hard enough this outbreak and dealing without the limited social contact i had that helped get me out of depression. But now to not even be able to rely on him as my only other contact really really hurts.

So this morning i sent him a few photos of the cementing and gardening ive been doing. I thought showing him and explaining the photos so they would trigger some weird thing in his mind (because last night he rang the home phone twice because i sent him a photo of the pink sunset at mine and he had to ring up because he thought it was something to do with stranger things on his youtube account and the upside down world or something idk).
So i send my photos of what ive been doing lately at home and he responds like always with good and my name. Knowing he never really looks or reads anything ive sent him for 4 years anyway. But you know hes really ill atm.

He basically this morning asks me if we want to meet up. So i say okay i have to post a letter today, and meet up the place we had met up for the past few weeks a few times as its secluded and there are seats at 1.5 distance away.

And his response was, 'yeah i dont know'. even tho he asked the question in the first place. And then i answered with are u okay to drive? and his reponse was he needs to get his break pads done still.

But it was after that, that made me feel horrific.

It was just ' hey, goodluck' and 'i gotta do my things' and goodbye' and that was it.
Usually he would put a love heart or something after and he didnt. Just rudely cut off with no explanation.

So i write back that wasnt very nice and express myself.

And for 2 and a half hours endure an intense crying anxiety filled depressive attack that went on and on and on.

When i finally get myself together enough to get get on with my day and decide i needed a hot shower, the phone rings and its him. He apologises to me. And i tell him how it made me feel. But hes not well still and he says about him moving which wasnt what we were even talking about. And how he doesnt want to and stuff and then doesnt want to go for a walk with me and then says hell ring up in the night sometime.

He tells me that on the messenger that he talked this morning that its not him anymore and its a bad account and he wanted me to delete it.


So i say ur new account then, tell me what it is so i can contact u. And he tells me he needs to go off online for a while.

So like most of the time but worse now because hes made himself ill that i cant even contact him, the one contact friend i had.

I realised that this morning when i expressed myself. He hadnt even looked at that at all. There is nothing i can do or say as i have no means to communicate. In this pandemic my close familair has gone.

Its been really hard.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
Its just, sure enough rugs always finds a way to put me last and to ruin any chance of basic needs within a friendship. Sure enough, when the pandemic is on and everyone is lonely and knowing he is my one very close friend, he decides to make himself sick and skip even acknowledging me and my feelings because im the face of what hell miss when he goes away because he finally worked out that he cannot support himself and is ill.

Why couldnt he of stayed off spending all his money on drugs and making himself sick.
Why couldnt he see the obvious from the beginning and deal with it with me aboud leaving in the best way he could instead of making it seem like this horrible dumping of me and almost thats its my fault or something.
Realize he shouldnt be treating me this way and that all his decisions were dumb ones and have lead to everything bad happening.

Argh. I have pms. But its just really not nice the one friendship u have- a person that wouldnt leave u alone for years and always contacting u and wanting to go out or just message - even when u were doing ur own thing and u know u gave that person ur time and things and now the minute u want to really need that person - they make it so they can only contact u and are not interested in ur life.

So uve got nothing left but to mourn a friendship in a time when u cant socialise.


I think i just have to take this a day at a time and not spiral out of control of feeling so distraught and alone. That feeling of breaking up with someone now of all things it has terrible memories. Very hard to cope. Id been not going there for weeks. I wish this pandemic finsihed then i could go volunteering and actually socially attempting to move forward but i cant.

Its like a horrible pit in my stomach. Knowing im loosing someone. The only person ive let in my life besides my parents and family of course. Hes been let in the most. Now hes deleted any trace of him online. I have no way to contact him. And its not because of me or that he doesnt want to its because of all his weird online stuff of delusions and pyschosis that its locked me out of any friendship. Its just really hard. Its like being dumped in a way. But not. Just put last and have absolutely no care for me.


How can i be kind to myself and not let this get me into a depression? I thought if i had him on the phone and messaging still it would be a good thing for me because he leaves to another town and i get to reinvent myself minus him and of course ill have down moments but ill still have him messaging him and stuff.
But i know that he doesnt cope well with what he cant have or if he is a little uncomfortable. The world comes crumbling. So his mental illness is affected by being online and its a spiders web of stuff. So even him moving i may not even be able to talk to him message him and also it seems he cant face me, so basically hes prob going to avoid me to avoid heart break.

In the time of corona virus isolation.

Which means im gonna have to cope not being able to communicate with him. I cant even express myself to him. Everything is denied any needs of mine. He is someone u cannot rely on.

Its like this whoe time because he was i hate to say it but crazy and now more so. That for him to go on social media is was all about strangers and people he didnt know or once knew - it was never about connecting with me as that came last and once again it is not there. I cant communicate only he can to me. When or if he wants.
 
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grapevine

Well-known member
Not been well today. Started the day helping my dad cementing but i was quite ill with the ladies so to speak but still had to the labor.
But ive been really emotionally depressed and dark today. I dont know whats going on with rugs. He was my ticket out of this darkness. Id like to just talk on the phone. He said he would ring last night and never did and now its the next night. I feel like ive just been abandoned when ive done all i couldto help him and nothing in return in terms of attempting to contact me. It really has made my anxiety and loneliness unbearable and depression so bad right now. I havent been able to eat. I mean is he just alseep, has he been admitted to hospital because of psychosis? I have no idea. Im thinking hes just been sleeping for 48 hrs because he didnt sleep for 3 days during his pyschosis. I cant rely on him yet i have no body else. I feel stuck feeling like this kid around my parents where im second and its not independent me anymore , thats all gone and rugs was just the past.

Im stuck wanting to know whts going on with him with his health and with this move him and his family are going to do. I mean in this covid 19 climate really?
Ive been really ill because of rugs all over again, i always have to be put last with him even tho he doesnt realise.

The last few times i was in contact with him was very brief and him not well and being conditional to me. Like i couldnt say anything and he would abbruptly change his minds on things because of something normal id say and then be gone and id not hear from him again.
Make u feel like uve dont something wrong and so u have nobody now kinda thing. Thats what it feels like.

I dont know how to feel better. I dont want to feel conditioned around my parents, i want to be my own person. It really hurts to be abandoned by a friend even if he is not well. Its like tearing ur insides open, its like a blank wall everywhere u go. Nothing is of joy because ur waiting every minute and anything to try to distract seems like a bandage.
Trying to be social feels like a deadend online. I mean who knows with rugs, he may never talk to me again idk.
I feel like im in mourning and its during this pandmic where u cant go out or attempt to socially distract yourself. Its making so ill. Its a waiting game waiting for rugs. Its just so emotionally depressing.

It feels like my history all over again. U know when ur dumped and u never hear from them ever again. That happened to me many years ago. But i was abused then in many of the ways and it made me extremely ill but it all ended abruptly and then this silence and nothing. Absolute white noise and noone else.

How can i start feeling better right now? this is so painful. Cant he just ring me, hopefully if he is asleep he will. But then i fear hell be dramatic and say something like i cant know u anymore because i have to move - or soemthing like that.
He will make it harder emotionally.

All i want is to be able to talk on the phone and meet up and go for walks keeping our distance. And all i want is to be able to work out and talk about when he might might be moving and how we plan to stay in touch and make it everyday. But i know he gets all emotional and will prob turn me away because he cant handle it. Soemthing like that. idk. All i know is he last abruptly was a bit rude to me and really unwell and said he would ring last night and i never got a ring. And hes had to disconnect all his social media because that made his psychosis and he never bothered to read any of my messages to him , every account was just deleted so he left me with no way to contact him but his home phone which im too scared to ring because hs likely asleep or it will feel unwelcomed and i got phone phobia. Hes really made it hard for me. Ive been abandoned and hrt.
 
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grapevine

Well-known member
nSo after a long few days. Rugs actually phoned me. He phoned me and asked wht id been up to and if i were doing anything today. I jumped at the chance to go for a walk with him. Its like my whole spark in me came back. The horror of lonliness and rejection and like hitting my head at a wall with 100 percent anguish anxiety. I really needed that old rugs the one that was just okay - u know with no expectations of course.
The person that i had been in contact with everyday for 4-5 years has suddenly gone ill in the head more than ever and basically is rejecting me.

In the time of the pandemic.

Its really hard.

So because i couldn't message him, he deleted any Facebook, any Instagram, any online of himself - because of his delusions and psychosis.
Even when i was replying to him - it was never read. He just deleted everything. Nothing was thought of on my end and i have to not take it personally - because he is very ill. You cant make sense of someone ill like that. But its very very upsetting and sad.

So last night and for myself i might add, i just had to express myself - i had to get in some contact with him. Its been horrible with an abrupt of him being ill and not knowing anything else.

Its felt terribly cruel. I didnt know if he was in hospital or anything. tho hed been at home. So i drew a get well card and wrote nice things in there and delivered it to his mailbox in the morning. Only thing is the bins were out and i accidentally put it in the wrong letterbox.
When he rang this morning, he seemed like he was his normal self but without emotion much. I mean i have compassion for the horrors of what ever it would be like to be in psychosis. But i cant not say he brought it on himself.

He didnt want to go check the neighbors letterbox or ask about my lettter for him. It had his name on it anyway.Its prob still in the wrong letterbox. I just really wanted him to read it- like if he read it he might flip back like hes done before. Hell return to some sanity and say sorry and all that. That hell realise he has heart in him - or as he says bring him out the dark.

but i dont think hell see it idk.





So today after feeling better from actually hearing from him, and getting ready to meet up and go for a walk. He rang as i was in the bathroom and said that he wouldnt be able to go for a walk or anything like that. And i ask oh why, and his reply was he didnt know. And then hang up on me.
And that was that.

So of course. I broke down , again. Painful inside it feels.
This is a person i could never get rid of, a person who was always over here. A person who would say he adores me and loves me and would never hurt me and would always be there for me. Regardless of his mental problems and all that comes with that. I always had a basis.

But now, to treat me so badly.

I know hes very mentally ill right now - i know that. I just dont know how to process this at moment. I have contacted my therapist for a much earlier session as im desperate.

So this morning when i was on the phone to him which was brief. He basically wont let me say anything and it becomes conditional and he hangs up on me. Its been like that since a few days - or all wek im not sure. But its been really not nice to me.

So when i told him when he rang that i sent him a letter as i didnt know wht was going on. He said why didnt i just ring his home phone.
So today around lunch a few hours after he hang up on me and told me he wasnt going to see me. I actually got the courage to ring his home phone. I was trembling and my biggest fear was that he was going to reject me and hang up on me and thats why i wouldnt ring in the first place.

And so i rang up and i said ' I know u are unwell at the moment, but when uve been hurtful'. And he just says ill talk to u tonight and hangs up on me. Even when i was still talking.

Anyway time i try to talk its like his signal to run away.

For what ever reason - it might be something he hears telling him otherwise in his mond who knows. It might be because hell have to move with his family that he cannot bear to hear from me and cant distinguish why, idk.

But this is very hard for me.
Ive had to console to my mum. She feels terribly sorry for me. She mentions the horrific time i had in my 20s after the abuse of that guy and now this guy is basically killing me indirectly with emotional abuse because he is ill.

Wht can i do about it.

I was desperate for company to have my old friend back. Ive always had to endure things with him and i would most of the time have to sway all my own stuff just for him. When i wanted my space he would always want to be over all the time.

Now its such a weird feeling - to feel unwanted and not have him wanting to see me. I mean i go to think maybe it was just him wanting to get out and come over my place - i meant its a nice 5 acres with views and animals.
And because of the virus and my parents health he cant come over.

I dont know how to feel what to do.
I dont want to hurt myself further waiting on him and feeling more and more hurt and rejected. But it was only like 4 5 6 days ago he got me a present with his sister - just little things. up until now hed been writing cards to me and drawing for me. Drawing comedy.

And then after this grant from the government - this stimulis he must of spent his money on ice as he said hed been having alot of that for 3 weeks. I mean - you know - ive always had my opinions on that anyway. But u cant stop someone.
He must of had so much and then stayed in his room and went on social media looking up people and putting clues and silly things thinking he can control people - he went all overboard because he knew he couldnt get that need of going out and coming to mine from me.
Well thats wht i think. And he didnt sleep for 3 days. And then all of a sudden pyschosis where he thought hed or still thinks hed been possessed.
and that there was an underworld like on the stranger things.

And becaues of all that, he has to treat me - the person he has been closest to for 4-5 years and knows my background of abuse - and treats me like this.

I know i am impatient - its the anxiety. Its just right now i feel like i really really need him back - and how long is this going to go on and how am i going to cope without that person now whilst this pandemic is on. It really hurts when you hear messages everywhere that says its important to connect with the people you love and spread love and all that. To connect online because everyone is in anxiety at the moment. Yet i cant rely on him. I cant have that. He just knocks me at every level. It just is really cruel and i dont care how he is ill right now- like he didnt know after only last month his sister going into psychosis and now he does and they smoked the some drugs. Like they both have schizophrenia what the hell did they think was going to happen. And their poor mum.

I had a horrible nightmare last night where i went into rugs house and he was getting out the shower and his mum told me off and said they are all moving because they wanted me to feel pain like she had after her husband died.

It was horrible.


I know im my heart that i really just have to push throught this and its more important than ever for me to curb my indepenence from my folks at home and find something to make me feel like rugs made me feel but within myself. And to also take it by a bit longer than days. Make it weeks.

I have big fears that theyll leave and move house like they are saying they are going to (the mother and sister and him) and i wont even know. I fear that he will be left like this and ill have to deal with all the dead ends with no explaination and all that. that its going to rip right through me.
I mean right now - he knows he has hurt me - i rang up to tell him. And yet he doesnt care or he is preoccupied in the mind. It just makes me feel like a stranger like a nothing all of a sudden and all i ever did was support him.

So i feel like even though i am begging and waiting for him to ring me and i know he probably wont that if he does i should really hang up on him. I should really show him that im not nothing and that he needs to reapect me. And that hes the one loosing me if he even in his illness and what ever narrative is in his mind, that im not someone to be treated like that. He can be treated like that instead.
You know.

He hurts everytime lately i have been in contact with him. Ive been in tears and that is because he hasnt been himself - its ben short sharp and hanging up on me and conditional and very cruel. No explanations. And im going through that as im going through like everyone else this pandemic.

Ive at least let my pyschologist know i think - hopefully it was the right letterbox i sent her a letter. I feel like i need to do everything about self care. I need to stop thinking and aching for him to ring up and thinking about that 24/7 every minute. Its just when i dont i feel like i used to be, alone and alone and alone and stuck with my parents and feel like nothing. low Self esteem and isolation and things. I mean i have a relationship with my dad that isnt exactly respectable for me. I mean for instance, hes been doing cemementing and ive been helping him - but its not an ask i just have to. Thats what its always like with him. I mean hes old and i help him anyway but he never asks or tells u when u have to drop everything.

I also fear this winter coming on and feeling the reals of a breakup if that is what htis is i dont know. I mean should i take this for a week and how am i supposed to just forget about it.
 
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grapevine

Well-known member
So its the 5th of May 2020.

Rugs had his drug-induced psychosis as well as his sister. That was a really tough few weeks for me because i was used to having hi as my only social connection being an SA. And then, it just stopped suddenly. My attempts to ring him them (which took guts for me on his home phone as i didnt know who would pick up) and when he picked up he hung up on me or interrupted me and said hed talk later and then hung up on me. I had no idea what was going on. I didnt know he was in psychosis and i didnt even know the extent to his drug problem and certainly didnt know his sister was involved too.

So it was me fretting what was going on and feeling completely rejected and I thought it was because his mum and sister were moving sometime soon (well they want to) out of this city and I thought rug's mentallity was that he realised he is unable to support himself and that he just decided to cut me off as it would be easier for him. Well that is what i thought and it was a horrible 2 weeks of no social contact that i was used to. It was really not a nice feeling to be used to talking to someone about anything and then they arent there day after day and hour after hour and in the night and nothing, nothing, nothing, and no explanation. I think i cried every hour and felt so bad. Like a white noise as i had similar issues of rejection in my past a long time ago.

I had no idea he was in pyschosis. Youd think his sister or mum wouldve let me know.

Anyways once he did get contact with me and i saw him the first time in a fortnight, he looked very shakey and unwell. I met up with him a few times for a walk here in there in the park and he was all over the place emotionally and distraught that aliens where around and his mum and sister controlled the space around him and were out to get him. He wanted to move out then and there. He also showed me his electric guitar he took out to the park apparently and hit it on the ground till it was damaged. Later when i met up with him he showed me his guitar and was upset about it, depsite for what ever reason he did it himself.

He was loud and swearing about his mum and sister thought they were ganging up on him and aliens or something. Passers by were walking fast to get away, it was a tough time.
He also walked everywhere which was unusual and even stood in line at the welfare place because he was paranoid about his welfare card, he even walked in the night and in the rain and drove places - and in one incident let go of the wheel driving fast in another country town, then stopped himself. Like where was his mum and sister to stop him in psychosis from driving?

Then after all that, he suddenly returns normal 3-5 days later to his almost old self. Taking another week to ward off the hallucinations and thoughts.

And that was all that drama.
I have learnt to (overtime) depart myself emotionally from him. Some people have red flags, he is all a red flag.
But yet im lonely so i put up with it. And ive known him for over 4 years now and I feel empathy (not respect) but empathy.

For someone almost 37, its just very depressing. He is literally very depressed all the time, but not just that - emotionally all over the place and wierd thoughts like a child trying to show off, he can act immature and think immature and unable to plan or pre-percieve things, unable to concentrate on even a tv show or movie and thinks social media is all about how his page looks and not about people ur friends with. He thinks he gets people suicidal because of his pages. He believes that what people look like in thier faces is what they can do in life - or something like that.

He has an awful lot of cringe-worthy weird crazy stuff he thinks and says and u have to put up this mental wall and it gets lonely still. Its like ur lonely but you're hanging out with a crazy person. Not only that, but he still thinks we are a thing and in a relationship - and thats my fault too, but u cant talk to this guy like an adult. He acts like a child and easily pounces on you. He has shown for years that he cant see things from others perspectives unless he has time like over a day to think about it, even then hes still not entirely able to. So everything with him is all my stuff bottled up and enduring his craziness.

See the schizophrenia of his is a particular genetic one and personalized. His brain is very damaged from drugs too.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
and no real The mindsets we value and goals and dreams and things like that as well as memory and planning and being responsible for our actions and thoughts and patience and being able to hold deep connections with others and engage in an understanding of things- all of the things like that rugs basically is limited from or cannot do.

Because of his schizophrenia and his brain damage.

It gets frustrating where he cannot see his own behavior in others' eyes. Only a glimpse every now and then. I mean he is a very loyal person and honest person. More than anyone ive ever known. But he also lost to his own mind most of the time and in depression too.

His mind is based on impulsive emotions. U cannot rely on him for things because of this. And it gets beyond pathetic.
He does things the way that makes people give up. For instance ull give him a present and he wont open or use it for a year and then give it away because hes forgot then a week later want a thing like he gave away. Things like that that make u just cringe. It gets like that all the time. Things that make u just think he needs a personal assistant so that he knows what he is doing.

This by the way is a rant. And its healthy for me : ) lol

One of the things that gets frustrating is that he cannot do anything to help himself. He needs help for that and my therapist wrote to his treating doctor that he could do with a mental health care team. But nothing has happened.

I see him suffer. And its like I can see what he needs but he cant. His cognitive abilities are very small and he ends up everyday saying hes just cleaning his room _ thats his go to thing to do. He cant watch anything - like netflix he gets from me or anything because he just lacks the concentration, he has no hobbies except for playing the guitar but he basically broke his guitar during his psychosis. So hell just sleep all the time instead. And by sleep i mean hell go to bed round 5 in the afternoon and sleep all night and then all the next day. At first i think it might of been ice the drug he was on but he says he is off that now. So i think its the antipsychotic medication mixed with his schizophrenia and mixed with depression.

thing is he lives with his mum and sister and they cant really do anything.
He just basically cant do anything. He is left to his own demise with his illness when he should have people helping him keep active with hobbies and things and working and stuff like that. He can respond really well socially and basically as much as he denies it, he really only ever does things like watch a tv show or movie unless he has company. Otherwise he just doesnt do anything really but arrange pictures on social media and thins his paranoia and delusions.

And then his sister who has schizophrenia too, those two together will combine their delusions and make them become stronger. Its something u just dont want to be around.

anyways all this i just have to look after me and put him aside. But i do make positive contributions to him. I am his friend despite all his dramas over the years - even tho he thinks we are more than that and that is my fault because i dont say anything but like i said he is unable to even see things from my persepective and unable to have an adult conversation about things as his mind is emotional and impulsive and he gets very depressed and so on anyway. It would break him so i just disturbingly and wrongfully go ahead with it also because im lonely and i dont want to be shut off with noone esp during this covid 19.

So i do take him and we go for an hour walk every morning up a few hills and so on as a routiene and that really does some good for structure and so on.
but all his stuff, im not his carer or mother. I do my best but i need to look after myself. It just gets really hard when he talks about being with me for ever and is inlove with me and wants a child with me. Ive had talks with him many times about not wanting a child with him because of genetics and so on and that he cannot provide at all etc - i said it in the nicest way possible but was frought with abuse on me about how i cant do anything without planning it for years and then not doing it and about how i read too much and never do etc. lol This is a person that never has 2 cents to his name because he had a drug problem and smokes and is unable to do basic things.

Yet those conversations means he just forgets about them and talks in a gesture way about having a child. It makes it so hard for me because he cannot see the disadvantages ive been through with him, he cannot see himself for the severe limitations he holds and he that would severely limit my own life.
Ive told him my dream before and he thinks he could get the money for a place and stuff and yet thats as far as his thought goes lol. He is unable to realise that if he wanted those things he should be saving up lol and working and so on.

Its like dealing with a child.

And meanwhile im dealing with my own midlife crisis of 2 years away from 40 and my body clock ticking and feeling so hurt when ever i see women with kids and a partner now. I feel like because im still at home with my parents and ive only got savings under $7000 - and i dont work atm but im a disability pension for my sp. I feel like its impossible to get a man and have a child in a short amount of time and then theres rugs in the way and feelings i have for him which is hard to decypher but its mostly just a dream of what he could be combined with knowing him and memories - its not what he is and for me - its been such a rocky road that being around him sevrely hurt my health with a stress breakdown that i couldnt hardly move. You know.

I have desires and i feel like him and his own desires on me makes me feel so limited and like im never going to be able to get anywhere.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
Today is rugs bday.

I made him my famous popular vegan german gingerbread in the shape of doughnuts. I also got a cheap bucket and filled with all sorts of sweets. I made a label on it called 'Candy Coma' lol. And some other things i got him.

Hes been so depressing and im always eager for interaction out of my loneliness. He basically never bothers to read a thing i write and thats been going on for years. you know like in messenger, for some reason he just can't be bothered scrolling up and reading like ever. It gets very frustrating it always has. He cant even be bothered or unable to concentrate and write so hell just send a voice message or talk so it types what u say. And always short and sharp just about. You know I he is a sick man and I just can't put any simple expectation on him it becomes very unfair for me.

Thing is with him he just sleeps now. like all the time and im not talking about just one day, im talking about 5 days and nights. Things like that. The amount of sleeping i thought was impossible to do. For example yesterday he went to bed at 3 in the afternoon and wakes up at 10:30-11 in the morning. Then goes back to sleep at 1 in the afternoon. Its ridiculous.

I am always up at 8 in the morning. I messaged him a happy birthday and proceeded to finish his presents - thats what id been doing all morning.
Id also been waiting for a reply like i always wait for that usually is something of a few seconds voice recording about going back to bed or what ever.

I basically write to him all the time but im basically writing to noone cause i know he hasnt the ability to read things or bother or care he just cant concentrate. So i get quite lonely.

Hes gone to back to bed on his birthday, said he was tired. In the morning i asked if his family got anything for him and he replied yes and so I asked what and he said he didnt know and would look later. Obv he hasnt looked and just gone back to bed.

It just makes me so frustrated and deeply disrespecting of him. Because, on my bdays which i plan we always go out to an animal park for the day and he gets me some presents (by presents i mean he rushes with his sister the day before and they go out to 2nd hand shops and buy the stupist things thinking they are so good lol - i mean junk and extremely bad junk- and hell say how good he was with all the great presents he got me - and ill sit there painfully opening them wrapped in newspaper - weird junk like a video game from the 90s i cant use or a vhs of a movie i dont like even tho i havent a vhs, or old kids books that arent special in any way - loads of kids books -) things like that. Its a thing for me to sit there and unwrap those presents and say thanku and say good things and so on even when its beyond questioning his sanity. Esp bad when iv had an audience with me unwrapping his stuff.
Point is can u imagine if i said to him i was going to sleep instead and that was that?
Imagine if i just wasnt interested in the presents and left them. He has done this many times before. Left xmas presents and not unwrapped them or months. Food that was there rottted. That sort of thing.

I thought today wed go do something because it was his bday depsite feeling like i didnt want to. I just hate how he is just this person who has no interests now other then every now and then talking about how he is only interested in himself and doesnt need anyone and then goes into delusions of granduier.

Im just sick of it. Im the one always having to over give without getting anything back. Its still going on. Im sorry he is ill and most probably going through depression and exacuastion from drug withdrawl of taking ice weekly since 2014.

Its very unfair on me. So what i just have to do is to forget about him. I mean i have sympathy for him but its not doing me any good reaching out anymore. I need to just mirror his behaviour somewhat. REspect myself and just do my things get on with my own stuff. Put him way out of my proirities like he does. He doesnt even know what he is doing all the time anyways.

Point is he is not even friend material. you cannot rely on him, that back and forth of favours that is un said about that naturally occurs in friendships doesnt occur with him.

I just need to forget about him. If he cant be bothered caring about others why should i care about him. He just lets everyone down all of the time and its always like he is allowed boundaries but im not.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
Its June 28 2020.

Such a beautiful Sunday today. Sunny day in the height of winter.
Today i went to work at this big opp shop i volunteer at. I basically get all toys and make little packets for kids to buy as well as anything toys that comes in. I enjoy making packets of things and presenting it how i know kids will want and price them ready to be put out on the tables on the shop floor. Its a good zone out and for a good cause.
Ive been volunteering there for over a year now.

Ive been so anxious and depressed tho for the past few months its been the worst that im glad im not in that bad right now. Everything always comes down to my choice of letting schizophrenic Russell (rugs i would call him on here). Gosh i think about what i have endured and how stressful it actually has been over 4 years. Its been so very stressful that it has made me go through adrenal fatigue, put on so much weight that im obese now, go through extreme anxiety all the time that i find it hard to function and depression and now panic attacks.

Even trying to digest food is bad with anxiety.

But im not trying to run away with a script of 'poor me'.

But i will write my heart out again because i need the outlet.


So this last week Russell has been talking in an accent he seems to think is like a us fbi man. So hes not talking in his own voice but a deep fbi man American accent. The voice he does is in a mocking way, an almost negative sarcasm. And hell go on talking to himself and everyone else in that way and also - having conversations with himself and laughing. Muttering in the accent to himself.

He did this the start of the year. And wasnt well. There was alot of stress in his house as his sister was in psychosis then. Both of them have been regular ice or meth users. The sister kept it quiet until she went crazy more and the mother (who lives with them) had to take her to a hospital for a while to get better. Then Russell went and offered her ice again appartently. I was actually shocked that she took drugs too like russell. I always wondered why she didnt tell Russell off and things like that for drug taking. I have but it doesnt matter. I just put up my boundaries and get passive anger and depression of his choices.

He thinks we are still an item but for me even tho i still say i am ( because im too lonely to put my big girl pants on and actually say stuff) but at the same time is crazy and going off taking drugs and acting wierd. Like does he not realise what that would do to a so called partner let alone one with an anxiety disorder?

Im in this zone where im so mentally and physically over-stressed from him that to leave him a bit means im lonely and noone to share anything with and depressed and yet to stay with him means not being my true self and putting up with so much stress that it actually hinders my own health to get up and do life and find new people. It makes me just so exhausted that i dont have the mental energy for anyone and even anything half the time.
And everyday for the past 4 years has been me trying to find that inbetween where i have a friend but i have my boundaries with my self esteem in tact and actually have my life growing for once and again and not feeling trod on by his life.

I mean i cant say things to him i just want to be friends. Ive done that in the past so many times and unless hes said it he forgets it and just treats me like a partner still. I mean its nice for a person to be all nice to you, but u have to have all thier 'stuff' on your shoulders and this is a guy that is the most mentally ill you can almost get.

Hes the essence of insane.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
so havent heard from russell since yesterday when at volounteering he decided to go home and didnt want to do it anymore. he was acting almost psychotic, not scared but just rambling about weird things in different voices. He wasnt all himself. Its scarey like that. He can lash out and be loud and swear at you if say something about how he is. so u let it go. Funny noone really noticed him acting strange and noone did anything. He later in the day came over to say hi (half an hour after he went home had a shower and walked back to the workplace) then procalimed he was going for a walk - which he never does and i say to oh are u going to the beach? His reply, no im just going anywhere and walks out. Talking and laughing to himself. He rambles to himself as if he is upset because he cant do anything without anyone but doesnt realise that its inapropriate to need people for him to do things. Its like he is mad at everyone because he has nothing to do. He thinks he would be famous with his guitar if his friend from town would come over more. Hes in a delusional world.
So anyways, i havent seen or heard from him since yesterday. And usually i hear from him everyday. I told him yesterday that i was blocked in messenger for not being with fbs terms and conditions which likely was an algorythym issue with a photo i had but he wasnt even listening or caring what i was saying i made it clear that if he wanted to contact me do it on the home phone and of course nothing which is rare. This all happened not too long ago about 2 months ago when he had pyschosis obv because he takes drugs. So im sure its either that or on its way to that and you know what, i made a thing to not care last night, i sent messages beforehand from another fb account telling him he could contact me there but didnt get anything. So i decided to not waste my anxiety getting depressed and all just because of him like all the time im so tired of it. Ive given up caring and im trying to get on with my life with my emotional boundaries from him. If he wanted to contact me he would. So for that and not caring about me and how all this would affect me even if he is ill
 
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