Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

That is pretty much the whole thing in a nutshell lol. literally perhaps even lol.

It just goes against my values to push someone away. And there is an underlining codependency there but more on his side. But more and more I just have to break that mindset of caring about him and his own ill-fated mind. He has improved alot since last year and the year before and so have I. He eventually apologised to people last night and removed all his jargon on his page. But it makes me so frustrated everything all the time. But hes a person and he bes quite nice to me, and regards me like friend for life and there is something to say now about his loyalty and sincerity towards me. But its without recognising his illness.

I like to auto write my frustrations because they are consuming esp with my anxiety. He has to learn that Im going to say no more often. He respects me when I do and even asks if i want my own time. But at the same time hs inability to not be able to plan combined with his desperate need to come over to my place so that he insant in his dark mental world at home gets pretty dependent and he needs to keep realising he cannot be dependent on people like that. Use me becaue he is scared to be alone and likes where i live. Well not that he uses me really, but im not his babysitter out of his issues.

I know i need to take responsibilty here and i have been having more time to myself. Which helps. I dont mind having a casual friendship with him, but i dont like getting too close because him and his sister have some of the most immature and dysfunctional values and lifestyles and mindsets .. as you can see it irritates me.

His sister stays at home all day- shes in her 30s. She has the same issues like rugs but a little different. Shes not well atm and cant drive, or finish her driving course because she gets issues of some kind. She talks to me like she is a victim like I have all the answers for her and yet is a very rude and aggressive woman. Shell be in her room all day, put this matte huge amount of makeup on and get rugs to take a photo of her for Instagram. Then her and rugs will be delusional about how great they are and they will both go on (but esp her) about people in the community that are bad and this and that and she will esp go on about some people she had a falling out with over something minor but turned into a psychotic trauma for her, despite being many years ago. She talks like it just happened. And it gets me a bit annoyed because I just want to send her to the CBT ward haha. There is no cognition.
Both of them were spoilt as kids and act the same today. They have no low feelings about themselves despite the situations they are in. And their poor widow mother that has to give in to their child-like illness. They just both cannot concentrate, plan has goals and things like that. Most importantly they lack integrity within themselves. They will both get into buying from opp shops and collecting things and that will be their life really and selfies and makeup or hair- and social media. They wont actually be putting demands on themselve to iprove thier lives . Although they help their mum, they cannot help themselves and that is what is not fair for the mother. I learnt big time that hanging around them for long periods meant I would get depressed about myself because I internally felt guilty for wasting my time. That I wasnt working on any goals because I was meeting thier social demands to just not really do anything but have to be present. And I hated that. But its turned around quite a bit despite being ill myself with fatigue. I feel I have to fight my way back to independence and limit my time with rugs more and more and Ive been doing that. I hardly ever go to his house and when Im present with him, this year its really only been when going for a walk. As going for a walk is being proactive and within my values so I enjoy it. But Im still learning how to phase myself out mentally when he talks crazy and delusional. I need to have other sane people in my life to counteract that and also I need to become my values. Live for what I like and who I think i am. Because hanging out with someone the opposite to who you are can be alot of energy to counteract it.

But you know I was thinking the other day about how I would if rugs weren't around, I wouldn't have that persistent person to get me out of my old ways I can fall trap in. So there is benefits and Ive talked with my therapist about.
Its just that I feel I can really only be around him when my im able to practice living my values and he isnt in the way of that. When he is against my beliefs and gets me frustrated, I need to stop and recognise that and acknowledge its always going to happen sometime or another, and looking at him with patience and compassion and just put myself first and have many days to myself so im not too close, so Im building my independent life away from him- that way Im able to tolerate and even enjoy the times with him.
I just simply cannot throw people away. And perhaps there is some fear in that. But having more time to myself and not seeing him every single day is something Ive been working on.
I guess too, I just like to indulge on here my expression of frustration because i dont do it else where. When maybe I should speak up to him- but that I have done before and its a no win for me and even for him. Trying to argue sense into someone who hasnt much at all gets you no where.
But its just that schizophrenia that strong, it can be deceiving in that the person can seem normal esp if you spend much time with them. You begin to accept things as quirks and just turn blind eyes to. Otherwise its a spidersweb. But then every now and then, they get into a big splash of irrational behaviour that makes no sense, and it can shock you. And that is what happened last night. No matter how many times it happens, it always blows you away because your seeing in written form in front of you, the scope of the illness and mindframe he has. And you feel a bit shocked and almost decieved that all that stuff has been in that person's mind and you didnt really know it was there, youd thought it was gone.
I guess knowing him for quite sometime now, he knows me quite well and yet he is crazy. But its nice to have someone around that is now respectful and close enough tov that they know you well. There is something really humble about that. But he is really like he has 2 personalities sometimes and really its just perception of his normal behaviour vs perception of his crazy stuff. Sometimes its just hidden ( the dramatic stuff).

Im really going to have to make a goal with myself to overcome a feeling of lonliness because Im so used to him being around, in order to push my independence and grow that part of me again. Make my goals, do my dream board and act on what I want in my life. Im lacking so many values from not practicing them.
I find it hard to concentrate on things now and get a little anxious. I feel like I always never have the time to practice things - like i have impatience. And I think its just a throw over from rugs energy and mentality. So limiting time again is what I need to do. Because I want to have patience and diligence in my own goals and I want to achieve things. I want my own intergrity. I want to walk my talk so to speak. I dont want to be a person that didnt personally achieve anything important to her just because the wrong person in her life wouldnt leave her alone so she fell into depression lol. Thats what its felt like. Ive let him walk over me because of his inabilities and desperation of his own illness. I care for him, but Im not him. He needs to find his own responsibility for himself. I look at my life and the things I have gone through and the amount of responsibility I had to forgo in order to find my way out of depression and bad circumstances in the past. You have to listen to yourself and be kind to yourself and then take action. Ive also done the opposite and so I know what its like to live in fear and close your life away too. You need to push yourself somewhere down the line, and there is a whole psychology on why people act on making thier lives better- sometimes you need to be right at the bottom to get the motivation.. things like that.

With rugs, I think he can be fun and nice and loyal and I admire him for those things. But his confusion with his mind and how to be with people is s sensitive and like an autistic child that its not worth my energy to indulge in frustrations from it- but I do cause I get a shock and usually during pms Ill get super frustrated.

My goal is to have 3 days straight to myself each week. That was what I agreed with my therapist. We thought that was a starting point where have that complete stretch of days give me incklings to grow away from rugs stuff and set seeds of growth of my own independence and goals.

And I have started that, but its mainly 2 days a week atm. Mainly because he works those 2 days lol. But Im getting there.

 

[grapevine]

Last week I got my checks from work. I hadn't the courage the week before to ask for one on Friday (and yes my work won't go and give them to you, you have to ask and wait- even tho your entitled to it, your wage) because the week before I had asked and had to wait for over an hour or more. When the whole time - despite asking for it before we sat down, my boss had it on the table the whole over an hour and didnt even tell me. I felt so annoyed because it meant driving home at 5;30 rather than 4;30 for me.
So the week after I just didn't even want to talk to them and decided to miss my check and get it next week.(I'm on a pension also so im not 100 percent desperate as its really a supplement to my pension) Only that week was last Friday and altho i asked for my checks and I did get 2 I was owed (tho im owed 3 really), I was happy it went smoothly till I got to the ATM to slip my checks in and found that I had only $22.20 on one of them instead of my actual wage (which is not that!). And I cannot understand at all where they got that amount from. And there was no mention of this to me either. Like where is the wage Im entitled to for working so hard?
These people I work for are the most negligent in every way. They pose as a charity and yet they let thier shops get empty and loose money and dont care about anything but wanting people to rescue them without moving a finger and they treat people with such neglect and bad pesona. Every person that walks thru thier doors is shocked. And Ive been with them now for 4 years nearly. Since they have moved, its just gotten really bad and every week its intolerable for me. Because the bosses are so frustrating to deal with - as there is no managing at all and they dont care and dont even want to see any effort lol.

Anyways, so now I have to do the thing I am terrible at, and that is be assertive to my boss and say- ' where is my wage and where di you come up with this amount from?' . The lady who does the financing is such an intolerable lady - that even when your working your heart out and they dont care, she looks at you like your doing something wrong. She is the person that they get to talk bad at people - and its always been just a miscommunication thing - because they decide to care sometimes and then impose these rules that illogical and disrespectful to their workers that everyone ends up quitting. Tho, Im one of the last remaning person thats been there for ages.

Its hard in that environment to be assertive. Not even sure how to word it when I am. And then the other thing is that I will have to grab all these clothes they have had in storage - big boxes and put them in my tiny care and drive half an hour to my home town to put them in the shop there. Then strip all thier clothes on the wracks and put good ones on there. Ive been wanting to do this - but its alot of effort physically when you have fatigue and anxiety. This is a tiny shop I havent worked in before and rug's guy friend started working there too - so Im just so nervous of everything to go to work on Thurs and Friday.

Arrgh, pms is the big bad wolf.

 

[grapevine]

Haha, I sent rugs a message and I even talked on the phone and told him my pms was pretty hardwired. On messenger I basically told him how frustrating it is around him - basically was being my true self and not hiding these things to him. Telling him what I thought and how frustrating it is. He says when he reads it he wont take it personally. But anyways, its funny how I read about being authentic and yet don't be conscious enough to recognise that its not what I do when Im around him. Because he is so delusional and sensitive to criticism. I have to shrink and Im sick of it. And then I thought, you know its doing a service to let that person know how you truly feel because then its less hard for them to be deluded with you. I wrote he has delusional of grandiosity, that he has issues planning and being responsible and memory, that he won't take any steps to better his life and trying to get the pension despite me going out my way, I wrote how I have had to personally get over in my own time loads of resentment and frustration of being done wrong by him in the past as to not hurt him. lol I even wrote about how sad it is that he continues to roll out these old photos on his facebook page to feel good about himself and the reactions he suppossively thinks he gets right when he does those things from others on their pages - I said if I did that he wouldnt hesitate to say im crazy etc.. You know what I mean. The amount of energy to have to deal with all this for me is huge. And Ive got an anxiety disorder, so Im the one who has been suffereing pretty badly. Today Ive just chosen to be authentic and I just dont want to shrink anymore.

Thats the thing tho, my anxiety combined with his illness does make it all consuming for me that I fail to even lift a finger of anything else in my life because I get emotionally overwhelmed and I seem to feel lonely and empty and fake. My work has low lifes in them too. One of the hardest things is looking for and keeping up so******ing when you feel low about yourself.
Ive just gone so far as to still of continued to exhaust myself feeling like I need to sleep again for some time.
I know I have developed depression these last few months because a day doesnt go by when I somehow get a big cry on, even when Im laughing at myself thinking its ridiculous. But it usually comes on when I get stressed or when things that I like confront me (and I realise Im not living the way that coincides with my authentic identity to me).
Back in 2015 and some 16 I was living my life in correlation to the way I liked and it changed my identiy about myself into something that was my values that I was living with. I was happy under anything that got to me. Because I had that self power about myself. And I want that back.

Just trying to get the motivation to do so within depression kinda sux. Its that messy bit where all you feel like doing is laying in bed all day and sleeping and conjuring up ideas how to achieve those things that will make you happy.

I feel I have to rest alot due to anxiety and stress and I feel like I just have excess backed up stress in my body and mind from the continuation of stress over these last or so. I know that its frivolous to act on goals when your not fully destressed and relaxed before hand and your mind is not clear and calm and determined. Ive felt so many times in every single week since july 2016 so spun out and like time has moved without me having any control over my life. I really miss having grounding and patience and being able to concentrate and relax and be diligent and consciously aware and have good memory everyday. Those things that allow me to achieve things like I used to have.
I think I just need a good rest all the time and not scare myself with bad future thinking. I just need to rest, calm myself, read my help books lol and pace myself everyday to getting back on my feet.
There are many things missing in my life that I want to feel happy in myself. One of them is a sense of achievement and diligence and I showing myself that I have the patience and able to give conscious effort to something and not forget. To bring things into myself in value and not slide away unattended in my life. Something like that.

 

[grapevine]

Struck down with a flu it feels again. Soar throat and headcache, feel so weak and achy. Its funny how I get these symptoms usually without the soar throat - usually work days and esp after work that it ends up just being a consquence to anxiety and fatigue.
But this feels more like a flu.

 

[grapevine]

How do I make everything alright and okay? Its kinda hard to be in this position all the time and have it drain so much of me to the point where I feel like I have to go and lift my thoughts out of my head and get some relaxation. Because it stresses me out.
When do you love someone but not in love with them right? When there are things about them that you def do not like, lots of things and when you have to deal with the full brunt of a psychotic illness in your face constantly, it gets waaay too much for me.
Im just his friend, but there have been encounters that led the way to me not being assertive enough that now he thinks of me as his gf again. I have to deal with him and his mess of a mind and his life because he cant do it himself.
I just want to be able to have him realise that he uses me and other people because of the fear of him being alone and in his depression and grieving/truama of loosing his father.
I want him to be adult enough to realise that he cant be a bf for me because of many things. But he doesnt even go there. To him I think its not even a thought much. Its more of what he needs and thats that. Im stuck with not saying anything about being his gf because Im not and its left to that. If he thinks there is more, he will have to formally ask me and he knows what I will say, so he just kind of leaves if like that.
I hate this feeling of sick in my stomach and upset that I am undoubtedly hurting a person's feelings because I dont feel the same. I mean sure I like the attention and never really had that before like that, and Im very used to him and he is good to hang out with and everything. Im very close to him and he is a good listener and even very good with making sure he obides by my standards alot now referring to not smoking and deciding to not smoke for up to an hour or more before he comes over - that sort of thing.
I appreciate alot he does and he is like a really close and good friend to me. And its nice even I admit to feel like Im a partner. But Im not though and its hard to bring him down and hurt him and me. But he does know Im not, but doesnt want to go there I guess. I just leave it like that.
When I shouldnt really.
But this is turning out like a little bit of a co-dependency that Ive managed terribly wrong. I dont want to be alone either and I tie my feelings with my past and feel like having someone there is something that helps me acknowledge things are different to when in my 20s I was all alone in agoraphobia world.

Thing is he was so quick to break up with me last year or when ever that was. He came and told me to my face that we could just be friends and so on. And I was happy with that. But then he just kinda carried on like as if I were his partner again. With me not doing that. So its just I feel like Im hurtful and I will get to things where it feels fine and then other times like today when its not.
I need to know what I want and what I dont want and I need to be brave and honest and adult with him and kindly tell him these things.
Its hard to do so tho, because the way his mind works is shadowing his own reflections and deep thoughts.
Theres a part of me that likes being a partner but not really being one, but its so wrong too.
He is not a partner for me, I know this.
Today I got woken up by him ringing me up. Which was a good thing because I need to get up and be proactive in the morning. I told him to ring up in the morning but I didnt realise it would be 8:30 lol. I was able to meet him at a place an we went for a 2 hour bush walk till lunch time and that was good. Its nice to have someone to do that with and its nice to be a positive influence on him and see how much he has mentally grown from our talks and walks.
But Ive got so much stuff I want to do when Im not working. tell him things I want to do today and what im going to do and he asks me if he can come around at 4;00 or something and watch a film. But the thing is I want to say 'no'. But I find it hard to. I explain that Im trying to fit in my things and by the afternoon with my fatigue I end up wanting to rest instead. But he then says about 6:30 instead. Its like he wont take no for an answer.
My dad was annoyed the other day, he said to me that he was so tired of rugs coming over round tea time and that everytime he had had tea and about to eat - rugs would turn up and its like we have no privacy. And its true. Thats basically how I feel all the time and its stressful. He doenst mean to do it but he can only seem to really understand his own needs over questioning if other's boundaries. Ill talk to my mum about alll this and slightly mention the relationship stuff and she will get all anxious at me and tell me like its the end of the world. She of course is partly def and partly dyslexic and cant understand things like certain words /sentences and stuff much and gets into saying the wrong things with emotion without thinking that it will make me feel worse.
I know that he goes back home from his walk and doesnt have anything to really do. Tho he will go on about how he is a busy man with no time for people. What a joke that is. Im the one that is always busy and now burnt out because ive had to make constant time for him everyday and even more because he doesnt stop. Hes so despearate to get out of his shed and go fill his time up like he says. But I want to be so far from that. By being in that mindframe he has - hes using people to fill up his life - rather than being responsible for his own and filling it up with independent achievements instead.
I get angry when he tells me he basically still considers me his gf and tells his friend I am without actually asking me and then I go on youtube and find a weird video of him with just his face with metalica written over it. Like what the hell? He doesnt realise that he is dominating me and my identity by doing so. And it sux and I just feel like I want nothing to do with him.
But I always feel sorry for him in so many ways . Thats the worst part.
He doesnt realise his lifestyle and illness doesnt correspond with me and my values and my own life. Hes not thinking about me in a relationship- hes thinking about himself and his needs.
I dont want to be a gf for him. I mean I do like the perks in it. But I cant risk my health and sanity anymore.
But its a painful thing to go thru.
And I just kinda let it go and say no to things alot and get depressed and just try to work on my own things. I dont mind him, I like his company every now and then. He is a supportive person for me. But he has so many things that are opposite to my values that I feel like I need my time away from him so to not have his illness get onto me.
I just want everything to be okay and not so complex and have me suffereing from what always feels like some sort of nervous meltdown or mental burnout and physical burnout from working myself up so much.

Itts funny how such a simple thing as saying what you feel to someone can turn into a huge thing when you have social phobia. This afternoon I said I wasn t up to having him over and he was fine with it. He respects me and tries his best to. But I just feel all like something is wrong inside when I feel like he is my partner and like Ive lost myself and my independence and what I stand for and all that stuff and its mixed with other stuff. ITs like this horrible surge of emotions. Its like my parents see the illness in him and his ways and wouldnt want me with him etc. Regardless of how nice he can be now and how much he tries. At the end of the day he has this illness that makes it incrediably hard for someone like me to deal with and I feel like Im going backwards and shrinking rather than growing. Just finding where he fits and trying to completely tone down all the stress and anxiety I get from my own illness combined with his stuff is enough for me.
Energy flows where attention goes and I end up having my full attention on him and his holes in life because I care. And I also end up with basic needs of my own wanting to be met and thinking somehow in my subconscious that if I can shock him with some humour - I usually draw funny cartoons of him and things like that ( he has them on his wall) because he is in his own mind and ends up over my place to visit without being able to talk to me, without being able to be interested in anything I say and quickly saying 'yep' before I finish sentences etc.. I have to compensate for those things - its so much energy and yet I feel like I have to be able to snap him out it with crude humor or something.

Then when he does actually talk sometimes its him talking aggressively at me (I dont mean about me, just all about him) and it will go on for hours wihtout hardly a breath or pause and not being able to say one word. Actually the last time he did that he was over my place round tea time and when he finally stopped talking 'at me' , I finially got a word in and he interrupted me to tell me was going to get going lol!

The reality is I cant deal with his illness, he cant see it for how it is and I cant tell him about it.
And I also make huge deals of things too.
If I were friends with a guy who didnt have this illness- Id be the same prob. Maybe not as bad idk.

But I just after all this, I feel like I want to tell him things but then I get all mentally dizzy and dont remember what the issues were exatly and what and how to tell him.
Then I get depressed.
All I know is for me to feel more myself I need to have my own days to myself to calm myself down and destress. And I do that often. But I need to really have a small talk with him and let him know in a tolerable way for him, how to see this relationship and how to see me for how i have my own issues.
And schizophrenic and a drug/cigarette person hanging with a vegan, chemically sensitive with anxiety disorder and social phobia dont mix.
Its funny that when I write on here, the voice that spills out seems so much more dire than in real life. The things you dont notice when your on an anxious rampage. The things you felt where so pressing at the end of an entry seem like youve made a huge deal out of them you know.

 

[grapevine]

Really just want to bury my last entry. I just dont want to go there anymore. No doubt I will still, like always. I want to concentrate on my goals instead and its funny because I feel since yesterday that I can kinda feel a bit of motivation and concentration again. It could be placebo, but I started taking Mucuna Pruriens powder, which is a bean high in L-Dopa- a precursor to dopamine. I feel a bit like when I have a high dose of vitamin D when Ive been low in that. Feel like I need it. Anywho, I weighed myself today because the last few days and perhaps going into a week or more I had been highly stressed like in my previous entrys all about rugs and all that stuff I seem to highlight like its out of my control and its all gooey and yucky and particularly through my pms times. Id been binging on high sugar and things I hadnt really eaten in many,many years- just anything to feel release and comfort and self pain into myself - emotionally eat like that. Anyways I go to weigh myself today and OMG I was so shocked like my head fell to the ground, I cannot believe Ive put on 10kg in just a few weeks from binge eating over my emotions.
Last night at least after I wrote in here that day and re-read my dramas, I had to write in my other journal pin-pointing exactly the hard stuff that was pushing me back into feeling so depressed and anxious like my life was out of control and I had no ability to be able to take my life in my own direction of what I wanted. Because everytime I were to think about the way I wanted to live and the life I want- I would feel knocked back with things telling me in my mind that what was the point because of the people around me not investing importance in it and not being able to really concentrate on doing so because of their needs - that sort of thing. And its funny you know, as much as I read into NLP over the years- things in your subconscious really do find a way of grabbing hold of your whole ship. If your off on one thing, if you think you just can't do something you really want to do because of something else in the way- it kinda blocks everything and can even lead to feelings of depression.
Thats where last night I thought Id do something Ive done times in my life- write a higher self-note to myself. Ive had to assure myself that I make things up in my mind that this will happen - knowing it wont. I guess kinda like my own CBT. Ive had to really make my mind up about rugs and just choose to sweep it under the rug for now and forget about it. Not invest in the anguish of it all for now. Just to go where I want to go in my mind and what will make me happy and do a curb ball out of this out of control mess I feel Ive been in this year and last.

But it does suck when you have a person really like you and you dont exactly have the same feelings for them and their in your life all the time. At the same time your very close and more like good friends but need your distance. I cant believe its gotten this far now. I thought I would have gotten a grip on it and things turn out okay. But they seem to be a little too close.
But I feel like I said I am going to choose to just try and sweep it under the carpet and concentrate on the things that matter to me, what I want in my life and concentrate on those things. Believing that the more I live my truth, the more things will just naturally pan out in that direction for me, what ever way it goes. At least in the worst case- I will be happy within myself.

Im so tired of the Rug sagas. And I understand what everyone says - to state my boundaries or even tell him to leave my life. The boundaries are a bit hard for me - but I still work on it. And what gives me strength is delving into my goals and things. I am the writer of my own life, not him.

 

[grapevine]

Its funny you know. I read the start of when I started this journal and it was in 2015!
I cant believe it was that long ago now. It feels like back then i was alive an like it was yesterday a bit, even tho I find it hard to remember the details. What stands out in reading them was that I was able to put myself first and have an independent and calm voice about my issues, it wasnt scrambled and repressed, and it wasnt rushed. I was dealing with things as they came and was taking my time working through them. I had breathing space and time on my hands to be independent and have compassion enough to care for myself and care deeply of what I thought and my thoughts.

So whats different now? Now i feel so backed up with uncompassionate resentment and self-abuse I guess. Im not in the moment of mindfulness much anymore. My journalling reflects more of waves of anxious tunnel vision over and over. And of course that reflects who Ive been for 2 years. And Im always feeling an emotion that wants to get me back to the independent and sensitive person I was back then.

I went to the yearly state carnival yesterday with rugs and my parents. It was a big day, so today I am deciding to have a day off from work this week or even maybe two. It seems everytime it rolls around to work days, I feel like I haven't been able to do any of my own things like I want to. Usually, because of a mix of fatigue, rugs wanting to go for a walk every day and waiting on him, driving my mum everywhere and trying in bits to get my own things in (which I always fail to do).

So its not like im haivng a day off, i really need a day off.
Prob have a cold anyways.

I really feel like I just desperately want to be everyday present with myself like I used to be. Take things in the rhythm emotionally, patiently and put importance into my feelings and my intuitions and really honouring them into what I feel inside I need to do to make things better. If it means i need space and lots of it, I need to voice that. Rather than what I do-do and that is feel for say rugs that i feel bad saying no to. But doing that all the time means that Ive basically still been self-abusing myself and my feelings. And if I actually think about it further and knowing how the mind works, I prob end up binge eating and subconsciously deciding to put everyone first over myself to let the self-abuse in my mind run its course.

And so i think, if I push to get my way and put myself first now. And have my feelings made important to me. That i feel like im in the driving seat rather than getting angry all the time because I feel like im not. Like my feelings arent important. I just want to slow everything down. I dont want to care about relationships and rugs. He isa dominant person and is relentless in pursuing me and doesnt take into account the natural feelings and waves and all of those things and even decides to be this person in my life when ive said otherwise and wanted otherwise. I just want to make him back away and i usually subconsciously decide to do that by making myself sick all the time. It comes in various forms.
And even when I give in, and am with him- I behave like a friend anyways mostly and I like that - I like being a close friend and with history there. Of course i like the security and everything and I do not want to hurt him. But I need a hell of a lot of space to deal with someone like him and his mentallity. Because it errodes my sense of wellbeing and completely stamps stress onto me so badly. I get severe tunnel vision with anxiety about his insane mentalities and its like kicking me in the guts everytime and like an elephant smashing me into the ground. To think, that the person your close to and the only person, who is quiet often, and you go online and actually see his mentality and realise how so twisted and delusioned and crazy he actually is in his thinking and beliefs and so on. Its a big big stress on me. But it makes it worse because you cant express it to him. So I end up having these huge knots in my stomach and feeling like I need to scream and get away because im embraced by craziness in my face eveyday. Its hard to deal with and because its a person who has good intentions and does care and for the most part keeps it all under control and does his best to keep it all away from me, its still there. It gets very draining and tiring to be around and engrossed by someone like that. I feel like my mind is going to be like his and I want to run for the hills. I need to respect the way I feel and act on it. I feel I need mental space away from him often to ground myself from his crazy. And I dont want to have to feel stuck in thinking i have to be like a partner to him because its how he sees me. Because Im not, Im just a close friend.
I can see that if I take action to take many steps back and get his respect that i can pursue my life how I want it and feel back in control a bit again. Have him in my life without putting a strain on me is a lot better.

 

[lily]

it's a healthy journal you did grapevine, congratulations! You're so open. that's what kicks in the healing process though sometimes i just open up behind the scenes. Yes you need to have balance in a relationship, not all about you and not all about him.

 

[grapevine]

Thanks Lily. : )
I would like to try and get myself out of my world and clear out these intense roundabout issues. I used to be able to not be all consumed with stuff and come on here and be an active member on this forum and would like to get back to that. But I guess what ive been dealing with has been huge for me really. Having someone in your life with acute schizophrenia has stripped me bare of my own identity and Im happy to say now after some long times in my depressed and fatigued state, Im actually just starting to move forward. One day at a time.

So Ive had this week off from work. Its made a difference because Ive been able to rest and been able to actively do the things that Ive been puting aside for myself each week for months and months and actually have made this time- this 2 days specifically to do these things and because im getting a start I feel alot better.

I have had depression this year. Because of all the stress and so on. And I have binge ate too. And Ive gotten quite frustrated and kinda angry at myself and shocked that I just cannot believe that I used to be 55kg for quite a while. Then after the stress with rugs, I was 65kg. And then lately Id gone to 70kg and stayed that for awhile. I must have compassion for myself in this time and realise the issues I was facing and what lead me to seek comfort as it got worse and the burnout I endured and emense fatigue that led me bed ridden for most of this year and last. So obviously weight gain was going to be a thing. But it was shoking to weigh myself recently and actually see I was 80kg. Omg, it feels like the space of 2 weeks of binging on sugary foods that all of a sudden im 80kg. I just cannot believe it. And im kicking myself, the thing that I feared has come true. I feel like all that work and the person I was has surely eroded and Im back to this big person again.
But bear with me here, something is different to what it used to be. Although I cannot put my finger on it. Generally I am a super healthy person that eats alot of main meal salads everyday and im always vegan. But its just been those 4 factors of upping my calories with binging on candies and junkfoods, not moving enough - so not burning those calories (i dont think siting in bed for hours watching netflix Meteor Garden burns many calories, high stress, and lack of nutirients from eating the crappys.
So I know Im guilty. But im not beating myself up because ive had a hard time. My body had been going thru such stand still fatigue and exhaustion everyday and such high stress that I hadnt been well at all.
I started taking this dopamine bean powder this week and it surely did feel like it brought me back to life. Tho, it gave me migrains which were terrible. But I feel like ive hit rock bottom with my weight and depression/anxiety and that number was a big shock to my system and something Id thought I would never ever see again. So its really put me into mindfulness mode and getting on with the job of fixing myself like I used to do. Rugs is giving me space and on his own adventures in his music and so on. So Im just letting all that drama of him and his 'stuff' slide away to the netherlands whilst I am concentrating on my own happiness within myself. Which is where i need to be.

Theres that saying about the past is the past, the future is the future and now is now - somehting about that- relating to mindfulness. I know what I need to do to get back to feeling alove and healthy and good about myself again and its not nice knowing where you are and shocking yourself in low self esteem depression. I learnt ages ago that I felt better about things when I was living in my conscious not my subconcious. That if I was living in the 'now' and doing what I could everyday and night to get to where I wanted to go, that I would get there in no time. That if i lived as tho I was practicing living in the future self of who I wanted to be, then I would become that person. And I know that this works. Its just the discomfort and reality of where you are now that you have to put aside emotionally and just get on with it. It does suck a bit. Actually, it sucks alot to me. Yesterday I looked in the bathroom mirror and couldnt believe my face looked like it used to, when I was a big girl. Tho I was different to then, it was just like a big scare - i felt like I was looking at a person that was a scare from the past and not myself . That the reflection wasnt me at all. I have a past of hiding myself away for over a decade with in part because of the way I looked and feeling inferior to living. And I felt like I was looking back at that.
So i know that I never want that again. And I know that I can act quickly to changing what Ive been mindlessly living like this year into something so much better that it will be sweet. I know that I take control now and I be assertive and that its a must from now on. I know that I will allow myself when the times come with pms to come on here and express my stress from rugs but other than those times- im making a point to put them aside and care for myself instead. the path I want to go is my own and the world around me will adjust to it.

 

[lily]

how does your depression feel like? i know i've recently got a sort of depression about an issue so I'm new at this. Thanks

 

[grapevine]

Hi lily,

I get depressed when I feel like there's no way out of solving any issues in my life and when I feel I cant be fully myself and be in control and have the ability to be able to do the things that I would like to achieve.

Its easy for me to say go out with rugs for a walk for a few hours and then later let the reality flow through the woodworks so to speak because he is in a different reality to me in what the relationship is. And Im just not bothering because of fear and a little co-dependence and everything else.

lol.

Gosh I feel like I jsut cannot be truely the person I want to be when Im around him. But I allow him in my life, but I feel this sadnes because now I am pushing into the things I want to achieve and not giving in so much to giving up and lying in bed exausted. Im actually being mindful and just taking one day at a time in the present and acting on my goals. But a as I do that I know that I drift apart from rugs for lots of reasons.

But I feel I must just trust myself and what happens. I cant control the future but i can control my daily habits and feelings.

And I can be in the authentic me I want to be in.

 

[grapevine]

Im just writing this here in depth for myself. Im gaining indepence alot more from rugs and working on me and saying no more. But I like to just express my pockets of frustrations.

I know its very different for each person regarding schizophrenia and the symptoms and severity of the illness, but rug's can be so challenging. I dont like this part of me that basically is so tired of him, of a person. I feel like that is wrong. My values are to have compassion and to have respect for most people because of that. I mean, I do with rugs, but he is asking so much of me without giving needs back to me in return. Its like a shallow relationship and that expects deepness but doesn't give it.

For instance, being a good friend is a value to me. But being authentic is damn hard with him. I forget the names of the various symptoms but one of them he has is the inability to communicate often. There is complete silence most of the time. Like he is just not there so to speak. And that, of course, counteracts social phobia - because an awkward silence needs to be filled to be comfortable. So I always end up talking and talking in compensation for him. I talk openly to try and get him involved, try to make him laugh and begin talking back. But what happens alot of times is 'yep' 'yep' and quick cut-offs. Like in a hurry. When he is like that and taking up my time because he is lonely or wants to see me but cannot talk to me or even want me to talk back because hes somewhere in a hurry in his brain doing something - I mean that's incredibly frustrating. You just want him to leave and you just want some security somewhere- it makes you upset and feeling angry and a bit hurt - it makes you disrespect that person because your going out your way in not just doing things like that - but in just about everything - and they arent 100 percent in knowledge of how much energy it takes to deal with a person like that and how much drain it takes too. And how its all unfair for him and for me. He jsut cant be a person most of the time, he more like a tag along really. Trying to fill his days with people and their lives and put his own immediate needs first.
you just end up getting drained and drained and drained till that person is just not someone you want to hang around with anymore because there isnt much they can give back and you know your going to have to give everything to them of your energy and more.
That made me depressed and everything else.
I have good communication with him though. Im getting better at telling him his reality of his behaviour. Its wierd because with social phobia our behaviour and how we act in front of another is second nature. Its acute. But with rugs - he is in his mind and not in reality often and when he is upset about something so simple as a warm day or being slightly uncomfortable - he can become like a 5-year-old boy.
He is unable to be responsible for himself full stop. So you have to do that too. And altho he is very nice and loyal to me, hes thinking he able to be a partner to me - but the reality is he is not a security for me or anyone - he cant give to me- he doesnt realise the difference bewteen his needs and my needs.
But anyways. To this day I cant really watch romance films or listen to love songs because I shudder. : /

I feel like Ive been marked as his gf without consultation - like Ive been told who I am is who he is and that my whole being of who I am and what i stand for is all painted over by him and his own. Which is lala land.

 

[grapevine]

Sot the last few days - yesterday I had my therapist session and it was a good talk. I basically always call the shots and just talk like my higher self and she listens and confirms lol - something like that. But it's nice to really release stuff a bit.
Ive been seeing her since about 2004, lol she has a big load of papers on me and ive come so far. Just to even talk about rugs too with her each time - its now getting less about him which is a good thing. Because ruggs isnt a bad person and I absolutely hate all this backlog stuff of stress with him that I have to go on here and there just to release it. But it is actually getting better and less.

You know Ive started to act on my own goals now. And Im in weight loss/nutrition mode finally. Before, for some time, I was just really in the opposite - using junk foods Id never eat and am allergic to - just to fill comfort and because I had no time for myself to even make and sit and eat a proper meal because Id had to take my mum somewhere and then rugs would come over. That sort of thing.

But now, I block out alot of things. Im still trying to get 'me' in my everyday life and not the codependencies (which I can easily come out of for myself - but the compassion part reels me back in). Today for instance, I wanted to clean my room and do a little makeover, but I had slept in a bit and then when I got up as it wasnt a work day - and it was later - my things I do now Im back on track with myself (the self-care things) every morning - like oil pulling and then making my big juice- it takes time. And then just quietly journalling in the morning too for the next few days and my goals for them. And it went to lunchtime and I decide to take mum shopping then - as she wanted to go- I end really hungry byt the time we get back and after unloading her groceries and then going to make my lunch and eat it fast because I get a phonecall that ruggs had finished work and was coming over within 40 minutes. So I rushed to eat my 3:30 lunch. Then dont finish it because he comes around. Then get back in the car regardless that I jsut basically got home from taking mum out and drive with him to the beach and go for a walk like usual. Then drive back home and he goes home and then I can relax. But what ever I had planned to do on the day - like clean my room is completely overtaken by other people's needs instead - so to speak. And the thing is, its like this most days of the week and I would get depressed and just give up on myself before. And then further along I would conjure the energy to fight for my own time and it would wear me out lol. Now Im slowly pushing my agenda. Im not that organised so something like today got in the way. But Im getting there, im making an effort to be more present and not in the past or the future and to give myself things to create more energy.

One thing that happened tonight tho kinda got me. But Ive let go of it despite. So after ruggs left about 5 :30 - I went to sleep. I was so tired. When I woke up I was in a daze and was about to get up to make my tea. Then, as I was lying in bed I heard a car door shut and I knew then that ruggs had come around at like 7:30. WITHOUT LETTING ME KNOW. I couldve been asleep still if it was a little earlier and I wouldve been like 'what the ?'/ . He has a $25 phone that is what it is. Despite me last year gifting him an 2nd hand iphone that was about $400 and he wrecked it and then his aunty giving him her old iphone and he wrecked that too - all in a small amount of time of what most people last with a phone. So when ever I send hi messages via messenger - he just doesnt get any of them, or he doesnt bother to read them or they are extrememly delayed by hours. So I dont ring his mobile because of this phone and I wont ring his home phone - so I cant ever have contact with him anymore - not instigated by me anyways. Only from his end when he contacts me is when we speak and it sux. Because I want to know if I can do my own things and tell him not to come over- ask him if he is and that sort of thing. Anyways, tonight he just shows up at my place despite being here earlier at 7:30 at night- which is the time I like to sit back with my parents and watch a film or something like that. And my parents disrespect him in their minds because he is always over and always interfering with my life and my plans to do things. Like many times this month I had wanted to garden and plant my new plants. Which I need to do. It takes alot of effort - hours to do the soil prep to do that. But when rugs isnt volounteering at his work (the two days a week he does), he rings up expecting to go for a walk and I make that time for him- but he wants half or all the day with me basically and Im ruining myself if I could even fit my gardening in with also spending time with him. So once again things are put off. And then work comes around and I just feel like Ive abandoned my own agendas.
He gets all depressed a bit when he isnt able to be around people to fill in his dead time. And his dead time is like all the time. Theres very little he fills in his life with any goals or things like that much at all or chores really - what I mean is that its not like me- Ive got so many things I pre-occupy myself with and yet he just sits at home waiting to come over and spend every day with me or with friends so he doesnt have to face his illness and his reality. But he doesnt realise he is using people by being dependent on them for his happiness and that makes him very needy and unable for people like me to have some breathing space- tho now its getting better.

I know why he came tonight. He had been going to bed very early like 6:00 most days of the week. And at first when I first go tto know him I was like who even does that. But he gets all uncomfortable each nighttime and bored. And that was the time his dad passed away last yearand he found him and im not there anymore, and he remembers being in that room when he was very ill more, his history. So he just sleeps out of depression and boredom and so on. But hed been waking up at 1:00 and unable to sleep well from too much sleep. Its all weird - but anyway - he decides to turn up at my place at 7:30 without telling me - just come in the house- say high to my parents on the couch and then knock and come in my room - and sit on the chair beside my bed and have his earphones on watching youtube on his phone. It seems so pity and silly - whats the point of coming over to my place at that hour just to sit by my bed and watch stuff on your phone with earphones? He could do that at home. And it goes to show how much uncomfortable he feels being in that same room and by himself and the rest of it. But I just kinda sweep it under the carpet because Im concentrating on myself from now on. But it completely sux that I cant get my own boundaries. I think he tried to ring up and my mum missed the phone idk. I was asleep. But if he had rang up I would ve said no to come over - as it takes about 20 minutes to get to my place and then stay for 40 - hour and then 20 mins back - whats the point?
And the thing is that he is so entrentched in his own scarey and debilitating world that he is unable to see his life properly and do things appropriatly. I mean I get that. I guess I just get embarressed all the time because its in the view of my parents and it feels like Ive got to make up for rugs weird and imposing behaviour all the time - almost feels like the values I hold with my family are compromised and that Im not able to spend quality time with them and relax at home because I never know when ruggs is going to come over still and I cant contact him.

 

[lily]

Im just writing this here in depth for myself. Im gaining indepence alot more from rugs and working on me and saying no more. But I like to just express my pockets of frustrations.

I know its very different for each person regarding schizophrenia and the symptoms and severity of the illness, but rug's can be so challenging. I dont like this part of me that basically is so tired of him, of a person. I feel like that is wrong. My values are to have compassion and to have respect for most people because of that. I mean, I do with rugs, but he is asking so much of me without giving needs back to me in return. Its like a shallow relationship and that expects deepness but doesn't give it.

For instance, being a good friend is a value to me. But being authentic is damn hard with him. I forget the names of the various symptoms but one of them he has is the inability to communicate often. There is complete silence most of the time. Like he is just not there so to speak. And that, of course, counteracts social phobia - because an awkward silence needs to be filled to be comfortable. So I always end up talking and talking in compensation for him. I talk openly to try and get him involved, try to make him laugh and begin talking back. But what happens alot of times is 'yep' 'yep' and quick cut-offs. Like in a hurry. When he is like that and taking up my time because he is lonely or wants to see me but cannot talk to me or even want me to talk back because hes somewhere in a hurry in his brain doing something - I mean that's incredibly frustrating. You just want him to leave and you just want some security somewhere- it makes you upset and feeling angry and a bit hurt - it makes you disrespect that person because your going out your way in not just doing things like that - but in just about everything - and they arent 100 percent in knowledge of how much energy it takes to deal with a person like that and how much drain it takes too. And how its all unfair for him and for me. He jsut cant be a person most of the time, he more like a tag along really. Trying to fill his days with people and their lives and put his own immediate needs first.
you just end up getting drained and drained and drained till that person is just not someone you want to hang around with anymore because there isnt much they can give back and you know your going to have to give everything to them of your energy and more.
That made me depressed and everything else.
I have good communication with him though. Im getting better at telling him his reality of his behaviour. Its wierd because with social phobia our behaviour and how we act in front of another is second nature. Its acute. But with rugs - he is in his mind and not in reality often and when he is upset about something so simple as a warm day or being slightly uncomfortable - he can become like a 5-year-old boy.
He is unable to be responsible for himself full stop. So you have to do that too. And altho he is very nice and loyal to me, hes thinking he able to be a partner to me - but the reality is he is not a security for me or anyone - he cant give to me- he doesnt realise the difference bewteen his needs and my needs.
But anyways. To this day I cant really watch romance films or listen to love songs because I shudder. : /

I feel like Ive been marked as his gf without consultation - like Ive been told who I am is who he is and that my whole being of who I am and what i stand for is all painted over by him and his own. Which is lala land.

you write a lot but that's good for you! i think him saying 'yep, yep' can also be social phobia.

 

[grapevine]

Thanks. It does help.
Nah, hes just doing his 'rounds' in his mind pre-occupation which makes him seem almost catatonic, its a thing with someone with severe schizophrenia.

The other night after work and i saw him in the evening at my place and he was so quiet like that again. Its so awkward I gotta fill in the spaces with talking. Because he just cannot communicate and just sits there wobbling his leg and in his mind. No noise from him. So I go and tell him. I tell him he is not 'present with me' and more preoccupied with things in his mind and on his phone. I tell him because im tired of feeling resentment like my own social phobia and anxiety issues do not matter with him - because of his condition lol. It means there is a huge lack of consideration to me and huge amount to him and its just not fair. Regardless of the illness involved. So its my duty to now just express that to him. Because I have to to make myself feel worthy of my own emotions and make him aware of himself for the most part he is not. Tho he has tried hard and come a long way to being considerate. But I absolutely hate his intolerance issues. If anything is a tiny bit this or that for him its like the world has ended. He will not put up with anything. And yet, here I am putting up with an awful lot from him! If the he was in my shoes he would've been a horror. He has a very low tolerance level for anything he doesnt like etc. And that is because of his up bringing. And i mean, you only have to look at thier dog and see that an adult obese dog they have thinks its okay to poo and wee inside the house all the time because not one of them- not the parents - not him nor his sister have told him off and made the dog aware that he shouldn't do that. They are forever having to clean up after that thing. And everything smells like dog wee. Despite the mother going on cleaning frenzies many times a week. Rugs and his sister have had things given to them when they want and havent had consquences from it. They lack many values and it can jsut annoy me alot too.
But the thing that annoys me most is that rugs has to fill his time gaps with people and thats it. Just dump himself into their laps and not give anything to them, not plan or anything like that- just have absolute nothing really in his life really except sleeping until he can be social with people again and basically thats his life. The only other thing he does have is his riff guitar stuff where the other night as I was going to write about prior- I felt ill because he went from being not able to talk to me- but then to talking at me about how his youtube channel is taking off and he is prob going to get an album going soon with his friend and then an LA producer will find them and hell end up in Hollywood. He goes on to say him and his friend are the best in the entire state at metal guitar and that he plays people like a chess board and is better than everyone because hes not on facebook anymore and he has lots of videos. Making me sick having to need my boundaries well away from this delusional grandiose man - it has literally made me extremely ill over 2 years. Hes in my face everyday and night and I never know when he might just come over like at 8:30 at night or something.. Not only that but boundaries like that but with my own stuff too. It can be way too much. But having someone not have a life and just want to dump themselves on you and you have to find things to entertain them all the time literally and have to give up your own time over and over and over again and then end up with losing yourself because over time you've had to be basically a babysitter for someone that is unable to actually have a life themselves and find one in me instead- its very annoying.
Its like im holding out to garden and do my own thing, have my space and i want to clean my room. Ive got things i want to do and everything. But he is dead set on hanging out with me tommorrow afternoon. I said yes days ago but im not really up for it because I know I cant fit my own things in once again. I have to rush and I just end up giving in to him and forgetting my own stuff. Its hard when someone isnt exactly living and just sleeps if people arent their to entertain him. Hes real desperate and over - looking forward to haning out. It sux. Why cant he be content with filling in his own life with his own hobbies and chores and alone time? Why does he have to have a huge realiance on others to live his life and at the same time be un able to enteratin them - what i mean is he cant plan and take a person out and so on. He really waits for people to do that to him.

 

[grapevine]

Caught between that rock and a hard place once again. Real deep. Ill just slide that under the mat and pretend its not part of my life for now. Shake it off and not go there. Honestly any thing to do with romance and lve and all that makes me cringe and feel sick. I used to be a romantic, now Im inlove with wanting independence and couldnt care less about a partner and men and all of that. I just want out. I want a break and I dont want a looney to claim me and me be restricted and become like him. I jsut want to run for miles. I dont like him like that. I dont look up to him and I cant stand many things about him. Yet im just rolling with the punches. Im being a bad person and Im feeling it in my subconscious as well as conscious. I lay low and be solo even when im not. I be grateful and careful and out all him under the carpet and deal with my own stuff. But I just feel like a sludge pot.

 

[grapevine]

I watched the whole season - of 49 episodes of China's teen soap remake 'Meteor Garden' over the course of a month. It was intense.

 

[grapevine]

I have to journal on here and journal on my mac too. The latter is even more personal and detailed - like it wasn't on here lol. I can't help it, I need to not - overanalyse but more - discover all the stuff going on in my subconscious that is making me feel the way I feel and so on. I feel a sense lately and for a long time that everything is dark and sharp and against me. I feel like im confined and not able to be my full free self and open up and live my values and interests. And I kinda know why but at the same time, I know that the way my mind works is gets carried away, like well away and it all becomes compounded and will change in my subconscious like a stubborn donkey. That I wont be able to recognise why what or who, only that my behaviour and feelings will feel the way they do. If that makes sense. So journaling is kinda my way out. The auto writing. When I first started auto-writing it changed my life and helped every corner like I wouldn't of believed. And yet the story I tell now, the one I tell myself and how I feel my life went spiralling down after a pretty good high, was all from when I chose to put myself last and be nice not to myself but another person over me. And with that, I completely lost myself once again. And yet even tho Im struggling to get back up and Im so much better after a long slog of what I beleive to be my mini nervous breakdown for nearly 2 years because of it all. The adrenal fatigue of burning myself out on so many levels just from that and the depression that followed. And yet after all that and surviving and starting to get things together again and lay my foundations, I have clueless rugs who is trying to have a one seated romantic relationship with me still. Still bombarding me every single day and even night and coming over numerous times a day. Wanting to do things together - walks and so on everyday. I honestly have never had entire days to myself - perhaps under 10 or even 5 in a year. He is persistant. And even tho I try to explain and so on my own space, he still rings up later to see if Ive changed my mind. I literally cannot breathe. Have a space and time to myself, to be me and indulge in my own things. I completely cringe at his tastes in things, the way his mind works, just about everything about him and his life choices etc, and I do feel like I have to shrink myself when im around him and when he is always around me, it means that in the past I decide to just give up on myself. He has no clue of how bombarding he is and no clue of how bombarding someone actually makes a person desperate for their own space. He didnt connect the dots when he recently put on youtube some old footage of me last year or so going for a walk and at a wildlife park. I was in the whole shots. Despite that he has had big blow backs from me from me when he has had any photos of me on his social media. He knows I have bdd and phobia of photos. Unless I am neutral to a photo of me from my own practice- thats different. But back then he learnt it was a huge red flag to not take or put any photos of me online. And yet, despite that being a thing over the years and he knowing not to, he decides to put videos of me on youtube without me knowing? I keep my calm and I write to him telling him he crossed boundaries and how its shocking he didnt connect the dots and how unfair that was to me. Well I didnt go to that gravity but you know- I shouldnt even have to say anything. Women remember things- they are good at tallying up resentments towards people. Its just a thing we do. And since rugs- ive been good at just letting them go for my overall sanity. But in doing so, it has meant that I have had to want to close my boundaries tighter and tighter from him and yet I dont have the ability to seem to do that really. He has a crappy phone that doesnt like messages and so I never get to contact him. My messages fail to get to him and if its a time been made that hell come over, i cant change it if I need to. And also, he decides to just come over at tea time or night time without letting me know. He just turns up - even tho I saw him hours before. I feel embarressed and uncomfortable around my parents as its dysfunctional behaviour and I feel like its all on me. Its like Im standing on a stage of assertiveness ready to be pushed. Needing to say things but forgetting the words.
I cant go a day (when Im not working) to do my own projects without having to schedule something with him because hell be waiting out his whole day to hang out. I dont like him hanging around at tea time because he can forget to eat and Ill have to scrounge to find things at the uncomfortable of my mum's kitchen as she is fanatic about what she has and everything in between. I usually have to pass my tea and wait till he goes home so I can have it because its uncomfortable with him there, or I eat it fast before he comes over, or Ill eat it stressfully when he is there - because I just need my space and dont have it. My life revolves around his movements and when he is coming over. If I want to garden and get my plants in and so on or if I want to declutter my room - those things take whole days and more. I end up having to only be able to do a 1-2 hours of something before he usually comes over and I have to backlog everything for myself and just think of him and his stuff - I have to do that everyday all the time and it sux. I really dont know how to be honest and happy and myself and loving to me and then everyone else without facing this issue because its not working. I just feel like I need to sit down and unscramble everything because its all a mess in my mind and in my life. I dont know how to unscramble and make everything okay for myself and him and everyone else. He needs to know how I feel and its so hard for me to gather the words to being assertive and being my true self and not hte charcter I shrink to around him. Its hard to do when your feeling low about yourself too. All i know is before him I was deep into self care and I had all the time to be independent and work on myself and I felt a self love everyday and that spread to my daily life and the people in it. I want that back, I dont want all this weight and scrambling of my life. He stops me from living really because he is dependent on me for a life he cant seem to make his own.

 

[grapevine]

So haven't been on here in a little while. Some things have changed since I last wrote in here. The day before I was to go to work for the week I went to the post office to get my letters and found one from my work informing me of cutbacks and that I am no longer needed because they cannot afford me. It was a bit of a take-back, after 4 years. It was typed in bold with nothing said personal about the letter at all. I was a bit teary in a little shock and relief in the post office. But I guess I knew it was coming. I just can't get how so rude and neglectful the organization I had been working for was. And I still just cannot put my head around it lol. Not regarding me, but regarding what they are doing in any logical sense because nothing adds up. So I feel like I need to write a bit about what they do and what the organization is and the things that are strikingly irresponsible that really make me and many other people who know what they are like- just take them down notches and confront them. But of course, they are not worth the time. And they are making their hole so to speak.

So the thing is they are a not for profit organisation. They help the homeless, vulnerable, poverty in the community and domestic violence. How they do this is really vague. During my time in the office area, I saw neglect of these things they talk about what they do. Tho they do give people cheap housing. Well, they did till they gave that to another charity because they neglected these people in the maintenance of it all. I overheard the boss talk about telling their residences that things were going to be done when they knew it wouldn't be. And illegal maintenance like throwing volunteers with no experience, no tools and no oversee to maintain their properties. Things in homes that hadn't been done in years - basic things.

Anyways, that wasn't my sector. The thing is this charity has 2 shops. I was a worker in one of them. That was when I started in 2015. And it really helped my social phobia go right down and my confidence go up because I was around all sorts of people with their own issues and walks of life. It was a low key thing and run by volunteers and a few paid like myself. But back in 2017 a family friend of the boss (the boss never worked in the shop as the office is in another town) was brought on to be the manager of the shop. This lady who at first I thought was 'normal' and then realised was slow and a narcissist, bossy and had no logical process in her mind. She took over the shop and got OCD - made grannie style displays where hardly a thing was for sale and no worker was allowed to put any stock out in the front store because of her issues. So it was empty for a whole year, except in the back where we had piles and piles of stock that couldn't be displayed properly because of no room. So of course, our sales went right down and down. And to make it worse, the woman would frighten customers. As we were a shop to support the charity, we were always getting donations. This woman once told off an old man who came to the front of the shop to donate a cd to the shop. It happened to be a double cd with only 2 out of the 4 CDs in the case and what this manager did was snatch it off the old man and looked at it and told him that there was only 2 and to go around the side and throw it in our recycling!! I mean ..??!!! I had to deal with many shocked customers who told me personally who rude this lady was and whenever they drove past the store and saw her sitting out the front smoking near the doorway whenever they saw her present, they wouldn't want to come in. Its funny because she got rugs fired back in the day - he was a good worker there and never had a day off. He was good at charming the customers - back then it was why I liked him before i really knew him - because I wanted to be like that.
But this lady told him off for smoking near the front of the shop outside (event tho she smoked in the doorway), and also for parking in the customer carpark even tho she did.
She complained when there was nothing to complain about.

But despite her, I really liked my job there. But the income went right down each day that lady was the manager. And then they had to pack up shop because the owner of the building wanted it back after 15 years. Whatever the reason, and likely financially. So the main boss and her family who run the charity decided to move that shop to the nearby town the office was in. So they moved to a smaller building that would house a 1/4 of the stock they had. Which meant that financially it was going to be tough. But that is what they are like, they make severely bad decisions that are unbelievably bad and make you wonder if they have parts missing in their brains. This shop could hardly hold the knickknacks and clothing like the other building and yet they emphasised having furniture in there to sell - when there was no room. So I was working in this store and it was always a mess because they lacked staff and they lacked room to store things. They had a makeshift sorting room and it was my area where I really had to deal with a tiny area and alot of stuff. Then they had the bright idea of not having a sorting area and putting that across town in the office instead. So they could make room for furniture. And so I had to go work in the office. And of course I asked alot of questions - like who was going to transport the sorted items back to the store? That sort of thing. So of course what ended up happening is they got donations regardless of not having a sorting room in the shop to put the stuff and just ended up trashing the store by putting bags apon bags in one corner of it. So embarressing. So the thing is they also went thru a few managers for that shop too. Each one very naive and decided to move the whole store around and throw out anything like donation - not bother to actually look through things and put things on the shelves and wracks but to just move entire areas and then get flustered and quit. In the end the main boss of the charity, her granddaughter ends up being the last manager. To which she is just like her family. Completely illogical and neglectful. The last time I went to that shop, there was junk all over the carpet of bags of clothes and donations just swimming around on the floor. The granddaughter hadn't cleaned it up. She also hadnt changed the stock. She hadnt gone through anything or done anything in the shop really. Only just serve and try to sell 2 pieces of furniture online. So to me, i would sack her if I was her boss. It was really bad- like walking into a hoarder's place. Not only that, I would do lucky dips for kids and find toys from the shops etc.. I went out the back of the store and found all these quality donations in the dead of winter had been thrown outside just because they were in the middle of moving some shelf. These were huge carefully packed zip holiday bags full of new packaged items- all sorts of things. The granddaughter had just dumped it all outside and it all got wet. I managed to salvage some things. But it was so reckless. The fact was that there was nothing on the shelves and things all over the floor - be it even wine glasses. It was all a hazard and all trashed. And still is the same. Not only that, but this granddaughter (age 21 & in the middle of her uni degree) decides its a good idea to have a wall shelf in the kid's area with wine glasses, shoes and plates and toys... ?? When I would occasionally go in there to help this autistic lady that worked there on her own and I knew got anxious, so Id go and help her - i was so frustrated with what was on the clothes racks. things that shouldnt be there, no system really etc. Anyways.

Where was I working in all of this? I was stuck in a room at the office, accross town from the shop. Going through the occassional clothing that got donated that managed to make it way from the shop to the new sorting room (did I mention across town?). I was left neglected and just going through all the boxed clothes I and and a few volounteers had been through. Opening them up and culling stuff and re-organising it all. Because there was nothing else to do. I offered a few times to take a box or two (because we had 1000 boxed clothes) to the shop that needed a flush of good managment in the clothes and it was so tiring carrying those heavy boxes into my car and going to the shop, carrying them out and then pulling off clothing off the rack to putting all the boxed items up. Wasnt worth my time because noone in that that organisation cared about the shop. It was and still is neglected. And an embarressment. They would and still would, get people from the dole (volounteers) - and just leave them by themselves in a big shop to manage on thier own all day. With noone to help, no active phone on the premises and customers probing them about donations and all sorts of things that they are uneducated on to try and do on thier own. Then those volounteers would leave because of no respect. But most other people in the past had bad rumors made of them by the organisation. Most people had severe stress and hardships from them because they just didnt care.

I had been contemplating leaving this job anyways because I would drive into another town to get there and have them not even care of anything im doing and have nothing to even do.
But the thing that was getting me down was that even when Id do really hard work, they wouldnt even know. On every level they were neglectful - even when it came to giving me my checks. I had to actuvely ask for them. And even they would be at a function or something and not come up and tell me and give me my check beforehand. Id go a week without it. It really sucked driving all that way to be treated unimportant. They didnt care what i did. I wanted to make progress and be active in being part of a team and getting this shop fixed up and sales up and they chose to just stick me in a room with boxes for 6 months instead. Although Id go to the shop and work- I was intiating my own workload to them, at them when I felt I wanted to care, but over time the care left and motivation dropped because it was all to hard to try and make thier huge hole they dug themselves regarding the shop - okay.

But the thing that I cannot get my head around. And I thought that my time was up anyways. Was that they got a grant from our local government and have moved their office - well have upgraded their office to a huge building that is $1000 a week. And completely neglected using that money for thier shops to be able to support themselves. They dont really need that huge office because they dont really do much. Its the shops and the food area (they get from a food charity) that support the people. And they are just digging a huge fininacial hole for themselves being luxurious when they cant afford to be. I jsut cannot believe it. And they want to try and get more grants. They want to try and get government acredited. Which if they would, would be fraud in my books. There was a speech that one of the members gave the other week about what a day looks like at the charity, and all she had to say was that packaging the donated bread and taking a few phone calls. She doesnt even package the bread! lol. Which made me think what are they actually doing in these offices?
You know they didnt even tell me they were moving. As a paid staff member - basic things like that dont get told to you. I just rocked up, got the key to my area and sat with boxes of clothes lol.
Anyways I feel a relief I am not with them. I was going against the grain of my values. But I hold resentment to them not about me- but just the whole illogical sense they seem to have and the mourning of what the place I worked used to be.

Now im in the situation where I dont have to work because I am on disability. I only worked 2 days a week as it gave me a top up of my wage by $400 a fortnight. I end up loosing around $300 plus per fortnight. So ill feel it, but its not that bad. I worrry tho of going back into my severe social phobia days and I am absolutely terrified of approaching a new work place as Ive only worked at that charity and thats it. My whole life changed after working there. I went from agrophobia and severe social phobia, to confidence and loosing weight and gaining an idependent life. So im worried now i might retreat back. I know rugs isnt perfect, but Im greatful he is in my life at the moment. He is getting much better at understanding me and my values and buttons. He has been encouraging me not to worry and to be there as to note that im far from the person I was in the past with the illness.

I know in myself that i become what I believe. So Ive got to be careful of my insecurities. I feel so numb. Im thinking im having a restfor a bit and working on myself. Im going to push myself in a month or so to volounteer somewhere so that I have something again to get me out and not easily retreat back into social recluse I guess. But rugs is there to pull me out. But I got to push myself and get out more and so******e I know that.

Its weird having to not go to work lol. Ive got time now to do my things. Of course, Im going to, when the time is right and im on my feet again, going to go back to my job networking org and find me something better. Have a better future.

 

[grapevine]

Today has been hard. Been dealing with huge anxiety and intense fear and numbness. I feel like Im going to resort back to being agoraphobic just because Im not working anymore and the thought of going to another place to work or even volounteer is frightening for me. A part of my idenity and acceptance has left too and im not sure whats there.

I used to have enormous barriers to working that the job I had was my first. And now, im not there. I want to be useful and everything. I just feel so anxious and not myself.